New Beginnings

So.....I'm finally going to do it!! I am leaving (or taking a break) from corporate america!! I've been talking about this for years, it seems.  I've been working towards having the choice to be at home, work part time, or basically whatever I chose to since my daughter was born in 2012.

AND I MADE IT!  I am so so proud of myself that I've made smart financial decisions, taken risks in real estate, and moved multiple times in my career....all which contributed to my goal.

What does this mean, what does it look like? Well, I am working through April 3, 2020. My boss and I talked and I told him I just think this is a good time for me to step away and refocus on myself.  I've talked through all of this w/ my new therapist and she made a statement that is ringing w/ me......that 2020 is the year of me!

What I'm not sure of yet is how to manage with the nanny. I do want her to stay on for a bit so I can transition more easily, so likely she will work through end of April. I'm going to just see on that one i.e. see how I feel/how it goes.

I'm working w/ my therapist on a plan to make this year successful. My biggest focus is my health, the other is just finding 'me' again. I've spent the last 10 years focused on building my family and then taking care of my littles, that I got lost somewhere. I really haven't turned the mirror back at myself for such a long long time.

Im nervous--how will I feel w/ no income coming in? Can I really do this? How do I even begin? .....but, even w/ the anxious thoughts and worry, there is no better time. I'm really just tired of feeling so tired, overweight, and exhausted all of the time. I'm at my highest weight ever--in fact I weigh now what I did when I was 9 months pregnant w/ my son. That's sad.

I keep saying this to myself.....nothing will change unless I change something.  Some examples....

I know this will mean I have to make a lot of changes i.e. stop drinking caffeine, limit eating out, working on a sleep routine (no napping), start exercising regularly, focus on my nutrition.....just to name a few things.

My therapist is helping me structure the next month, then summer, then fall when kids go back to school. I asked her honestly, does she think this is all doable....she said I just need support.

She's totally right. She's a firecracker....she's really smart....and I see her more of a life coach versus a therapist. She's helping me focus forward on what needs to change and steps to make that happen.

One of the things we discussed is I'm always looking forward, what's next. I've done this especially w/ my current home. I've had boxes lined up against my bedroom wall for 4 years now.  Mostly because it wasn't a priority for me , but also.....I never really fully moved in here. I'm not wanting to commit to new furniture or anything because well, what if it won't fit in the new space? A few thoughts she had: the room I spend the most time in is the most disorganized (well, not including the toy room at the moment). And she's totally right. Why is that?? I've worked out of my bedroom for 2 years now and I just don't enjoy the space anymore. Also she says.. why don't you get a desk??  And yes, of course I need a desk. 

So my homework was, look at buying a desk.  Interestingly enough that turned into, I don't really want an office space in my bedroom. I want that space totally clear.  So then I said, why don't I call my designer friend who helped me w/ construction house to come and make my home more of what I want i.e help make the space I have more functional for me and the kids. The reality is, we'll likely be here for the next year to two (I don't want to commit longer than that!), but why not make it a home I love, that I'm proud of the way it looks, etc..

So, I'm going to focus on that and just do it. Not look at magazines for 4 months and not complete it.

I'm kind of excited to already have a project I can focus on.

Overall there are big changes coming, but I am SO so excited......nervous, anxious....but mostly looking forward to getting strong and healthy again. The reason I wrote at the top (maybe taking a break) is that I'm not sure how I'm going to think/feel. So, I'm giving myself a year. I may go back to work after that, I may work part time, etc.. but I want to at least say one year--it seems more palatable to me and less overwhelming to think about.

Speaking of other new beginnings.......we needed to re-set expectations in the house. There started to be a lot of arguing, fighting, etc.. and they both (well, mostly my girl) were really pushing things w/ the nanny. 

SO, we made up new house rules and consequences.  They apply to me too.  I sat them down in the living room and I explained why we needed these rules, and they jumped on board helping to create them AND to come up w/ the consequences.  I feel like it really really has helped give us some structure again. They are behaving much better as well. I was really proud of how quickly they stepped in to share what they were thinking and come up w/ a solution.

Here they are. They are written out and taped up above our fireplace.

Another first in the house: my girl is going on her first sleep over at her friend June's house tonight. I can't believe she's old enough for this!  This little girl was in her class last year, but this year they became much closer and are now BFF's. We went to June's birthday at her house a few months ago, she's come here for a playdate (which was interesting because she's not used to having a little brother following all around, so wasn't too fond of that and went home early). But my girl and June have been hatching a plan to have a sleep over for like two weeks. She's super excited.....however, I've been trying to delicately say she can always come home if she needs to. Her brother is having a fit. He's been walking around all week saying, 'That's not fair!'. Poor guy...when we first learned June's mom said yes, he asked where he was going to sleep? I had to explain that just his sister was going and he's been frustrated ever since. I told him we'll do some fun stuff too and to not worry. Maybe we'll even get donuts.

My girl is always making something, so here's some cute things I've captured......

I love her spelling. "Cat Dance Party"....

Her trap for the tooth fairy. See the tape on the magnets and animals? Her tooth is in the magnet box (she lost it at school) She even made a little Welcome sign.

We just finished flag football for the first time w/ my son. He loved it. Although it's supposed to be 'flag football', he tended to actually tackle a few of the kids. Oh em gee. He does this at home too....constantly tackling his sister. I had to actually put it in the rules....tackling ok ONLY if the other person agrees. It was about two months of Saturdays, and the next sport we are off to is soccer at end of March through May. My girl said she's ready to get back into sports again. She's feeling so much better....we've added vitamin D drops to her daily and it really has seemed to help w/ the fatigue.

One last new beginning....my son learned how to read!! Shortly after his 5th birthday last fall, I noticed that when we watched football he was always saying the right teams. I assumed he just memorized their mascots, etc.. but as the season continued, he'd say hey mom, the ravens are playing the eagles, or something like that. I would always ask him, 'how do you know that'? He'd say, 

I just know".  Then after football was over, we've started watching basketball. And then it became, hey mom, Kansas is playing Wisconsin, the score is 20 to 10.....Kansas is rated, the other team isn't, etc.. He started understanding records, ratings, and scores. Which I LOVE because watching sports is something I've always enjoyed. Anyway, just recently he started reading words out of books and words on things/papers he saw. It was so exciting!!

I think it's hilarious that my son learned to read from watching sports and could read most NFL and basketball teams before even reading in an actual book.

Such a boy.

Results

I had hoped to get the 5 day report over the weekend on Saturday, but something told me I'd probably not hear anything until today.  I ended up calling the Dr.'s office early this afternoon and the IVF Dr. happened to pick up the phone. I spoke to her and she walked me through the lab notes and it appears that of the 7 that fertilized, 4 (or so) were 4 cell at day 2 or 3 (I can't remember), then by day 5 there was only 1 remaining and it wasn't good enough quality to freeze.
What that means? The cycle basically did not work and I do not have any embryos to transfer.

It brought tears to my eyes. So sad and so final, at least that's what was going through my mind. I had said to myself if I even got 1, that would be a good result and that if I got none, then that was it.  The Dr. tried to be kind and said that in a way, it's better if it was not going to work, to not work now. Instead of IF I got a 5 day embryo, hopes were up,  and then the transfer didn't work.  She said that has happened to many of their patients--that they got 5 day, transferred, and none of them have resulted in a pregnancy. I will assume she meant none of them for people my age. And as hard as it is to accept, I agree with her.  I've been through a transfer that by all signs was completely on track and just didn't work--with many years younger eggs. There is a lot of medication, time, commitment, cost, emotions, all tied up into that process as well.

I think at any point, in any of the processes, if it doesn't work.....there is a sense of loss for the what if's? But I think that's the other thing that I rest my head and heart on is that I tried everything at the pace and speed that made sense at the time.  I don't regret waiting to do my transfer until last year with the 3 embryos I had stored when my son was 4 and daughter was 6.  I was deep in little human raising (let's not forget that my son didn't sleep well for 4 years) that I couldn't possibly imagine trying to have another one at the time.  What's interesting is that because I had those 3 embryos frozen for so long, it didn't occur to me that if I tried with them that it wouldn't work. If I had known earlier that the transfer wouldn't work, I could have potentially done an egg retrieval earlier yadda yadda...but of course, I didn't know. From a scientific point of view, mother nature still plays a role, even in IVF. You can have the best 5 days, the best lining, the best estrogen...whatever the case and it still fails.

So, my initial thoughts are that I am SO glad I tried this cycle. I can guarantee that I would have had regrets if I didn't try. AND, I would have rather tried and failed then never tried at all. I gave it my best shot with my own genetics and yeah it sucks it failed.

The Dr. did ask what I wanted to do, if anything, next.....and right now, my answer is that's probably it.  She said if I tried a retrieval again, that I would have a 95% chance of having the same outcome. Originally that was the plan, two retrievals, then see what might come out of that. Well, I did one and we now know the answer. She mentioned that this door may be closed, but there are other doors to consider.  Yes, that's true, but for now, I need to just process.

Procedure and Report

Egg retrieval was today.

I honestly have been so so nervous over the last few days, especially after doing the trig.ger shot on Saturday night. For some reason I kept wondering if I would ovulate early, if there would be any eggs, would moving around too much 'do something' to them, should I just be sitting down and waiting? I was also feeling pretty full and uncomfortable so I was ready to get this movin.

I got to the Dr. office early this morning (for a change)...got there around 7am, for arrival appt at 7:15am. Wouldn't you know we were locked out and noone was there.  This has happened to me a few times over the years at this office. I was okay waiting until 7:15, but then I just started getting frustrated. How do they not have someone open the doors on time?
Finally they opened up and I got checked in and waited. Old nanny was with me, she came in town on Saturday and will stay through tomorrow. It really was nice having a friend there with me to talk a bit, listen to my chatter, and hold my purse. There was only one other couple in there this morning with us.

It really didn't take too long and they called me back to the little surgery area. There was not much to the check in once I was laying on the gurney....just blood pressure, a few questions....then nurse said we were just waiting for the Dr. and anesthesiology.  As I'm laying there I was feeling pretty anxious...like wanting to crawl out of my skin anxious. I had to force myself to focus on mentally relaxing myself and do some deep breathing, laid on my side to get more comfortable, and just focused on the design on the curtain.  Once the Dr. came he came in to talk and said he was very happy with how I responded and was thinking the retrieval would go very well. He had reached over to touch my arm and what I love about this Dr. is he is just so calming, and he has the softest hands on the planet. They are so smooth and comforting.
Dr. was getting a bit impatient because anesthesiology was still not in the building. We waited and waited....and finally, they just had me walk into the surgery room so we could just get totally prepped and then start the minute he arrived. Still more waiting.....then finally. Anesth. showed up.
He had trouble w/ my IV, unfortunately, and ended up starting it in my wrist--which was really uncomfortable. He had to poke me multiple times, which hurt each time, and I was just trying to stay calm. He asked me if he was hurting me....umm yeah, you are. He did finally get it and the Dr. and nurse started turning off lights to get started and he said woah, he still needed a few minutes to get everything set up. My Dr. was ready to go, clearly!
Then I got the lovely medication which I was then waiting to go to sleep.....and I was just lying there eyes open. I finally said, 'um, you know I'm still awake right?'....of course they did but normally it happens very quick, medicine, then out.

Next thing I know Im being wheeled out. I asked whoever was around me how many we got and I thought I heard someone say 3.  My heart just sank. Oh no......no. 
They wheeled me back where I started and I heard the Dr. outside my curtain so I asked him to come in. I asked how many eggs did we get and he said 10.  I said, 10? He said 10.  Just to make sure I heard correctly, I said 'did you say 10?!'.....He smiled and said yes, 10. He was so, so pleased with that number he said he was just so happy w/ that outcome.

Im also so thrilled with the result as I honestly was worried about the what if's that might happen....but to get 10 eggs from 10 follicles (or 11, they kept going back and forth w/ how many I actually had) is great news.  Dr. said next step is to see what fertilizes, then grows to blast over next several days.  I'm still a bit surprised and in disbelief almost. This just exceeded my expectations.

Now, on to thinking about the next steps and here's where the quality comes into play. You can have a lot of eggs, but if none of them are normal, well.....clearly that's not good. BUT, I'm keeping positive thoughts over the next several days and also planning to take it easy w/ recovery i.e. supposed to be bedrest today, then a bit more normal tomorrow.


Sunflower, I can't thank you enough for your supportive comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and offer encouragement.

Another Surprise

I just returned from my IVF monitoring appointment and learned of a great surprise. Over the last two monitoring appointments my right ovary was responding well i.e. 4 follicles, and the left one was so-so i.e. 1 follicle, so total of 5. I was starting to get a bit worried because starting out w/ only 5 follicles, likely not all with eggs, likely quality issues....well, I was the doing the math. When she first started the scan today she actually couldn't find the one on my left ovary. I started thinking during the scan today aw man, I wonder if they will have to cancel?

But guess what?  Because she was having trouble, she had the Dr. come in and right away the Dr. found them....a few seconds later the coordinator starts counting....one, two, three.....seven! There are actually seven measurable follicles on the left for a total of 11 all together. That's close to what I had during the round for my son.  Now, the ones on the left are a bit smaller i.e. 16/17, etc and there are two on the right that are 20 and 21....and they want them all to be pretty consistent in size. 
I have no idea why they were hard to find for the coordinator, but at least the Dr. came in today to take a look herself. It's not my main Dr. in the office, but she runs the IVF group and all of the protocols. Since she was there I asked her how she thought all of this was going and she said I was responding better than she thought I would. Alrighty then. She's the same Dr. that when I started exploring IVF mid last year she started off with, "Tell me what you want to hear".  Can't say I'm connected with her well, but she won't be doing the retrieval anyway.

Next steps:
I need to wait until my labs are in and they look at the whole picture to decide, instructions will be on my portal tonight. It's possible if I trigger tonight then I will have retrieval on Sunday at the earliest. I'm ready for the stimulation to be done, as now that it has been 10 days, my ovaries are feeling quite full and starting to be uncomfortable.  I'm also on a steroid which makes me flush/hot on/off throughout the day...could also be the other medications.
This protocol hasn't been overly difficult and I've handled the medications really really well this time. I've actually felt good throughout, so that has been such a nice surprise. I'm taking men.opur 225 (injection), gon.al 150 (injection), cl.omid 2 pills daily, dexa.methasone steriod 1 pill daily, and since I have a few bigger follicles and trying to get others to catch up I started cet.rodtide .25 (injection).  I'm also on supplements--pre.natal vitamin, Co.Q.10 (600), methyl.folate.
When I type it out, it kind of seems like a lot, doesn't it.

Im still just processing this as.....will take it step by step and see how it goes. I'm not putting too much thought into the what if's because a) that doesn't help and b) the outcome is the outcome.
Again I go back to, I felt so so strongly about doing this that it just wouldn't leave my consciousness. I tried a lot of things to distract me (whole house remodel that I need to still put up the pictures), and I kept coming back to this. So, I am content in following my heart right now.

A few other good things I met w/ my therapist again yesterday and she really is sharp. She is insightful, challenging, can keep up w/ my stream of thoughts, etc.. Our main focus right now is to work on my sleep. Sleep has been a nemesis of mine for many years...at least 10+.  Part of it may be physical i.e. mild ap.nea, however a lot of it has to do w/ my sleep hygiene. I drink caffeine diet soda at lunch, it disrupts my ability to naturally fall asleep, keeps me awake longer, and quality of sleep is affected. Honestly I need to just quit. But that's hard to do /w addictions, isn't it? I've tried several things in past (like drinking only caffeine free) and have always fallen off, but she's helping me frame that as--trying is success, even if the behavior wasn't changed. My thinking it's more like, success only comes if behavior is changed.
The approach now is that I will remain caffeine free for 5 of 7 days in a week.  I wanted a back up 2 days because I didn't want to have a moment and feel like I failed.
I think this is reasonable. Honestly I may get to a place where the decision has to be none at all.....because it is such a slippery slope for me. Having one turns into having one the next day, and so on such that its habit again.

The other thing is sometimes I don't always sleep in my bed. I've been falling asleep in the recliner, sleeping on the couch, etc.. and I just am not sure why? Perhaps because my room became a place to work rather than sleep, I prefer being away from it?
So, I'm supposed to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  This is a hard one. Mostly because my 'me time' is after the kids go to bed. I can just sit out here, decompress, and I find that this is the time I recharge myself. The kids have been sleeping by 830-ish so you would think 3 hours is enough?!
I actually think if I drop the caffeine this one would be much easier because I'll actually be tired!

A lot of my issue is I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff and not actually doing. It's time to change that. More to come.

Surprise

So yeah, this happened. The xray is of MY right foot/ankle and I have a Weber A fibula ankle fracture. I had no idea!  Basically, mid December I was out playing w/ my son in our cul de sac. We were up on the curb and I stepped off of it w/ my right foot and my ankle completely 'rolled' I swear in half.  It was the most painful ankle injury I ever had--even w/ all my years playing sports. It certainly made me fall to the ground and just lie there for a bit.  I ended up able to get up and hobble on it, so I did what I thought I should i.e. RICE Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation.  It seemed to be helping somewhat so I just kept going w/ it, but it still was quite painful. I let it go through the holidays and finally last week I decided since it was still bothering me, I should get it checked out. With all my Dr. go.oogle I was convinced it was just a very bad sprain. I normally always go and get things checked out so I can't even say why I didn't for this.

Turns out I was wrong, it was fractured, and I should have been in a boot for the last month. The Dr. said I could boot it now for a few more weeks, but at this point, it's on it's way to healing. Then I would need to do some PT start of february when the bone heals a bit more. So, I decided no boot, take it easy, and let it just keep healing.

Aside from that, if I rewind over the end of last year to this point, there's been a lot going on (besides fractures).  It started with the stomach flu my girl brought home mid-dec. Then my son picked it up and kept getting everything else most of the holidays (Mid- Dec through the new year) sick.  There were several days where he was just miserable and as you can imagine, miserable 5 year old = miserable house. He was so over it that by our christmas eve candlelight at church he eventually made his way to the back of the church and was writhing around the floor because he didn't want to be there anymore.
I spent some time re-reading some old blog posts and realized just how much I talk about one, both, or all of us being sick or hurt.  There has just been a laundry list of  things over the years and because I dont have a ton of people to ask, I'm just going to assume that while everyone has their fair share, we just have had a lot? At least it just seems like it for me......It truly seems like someone is sick on/off ALL of the time and that makes it's way into a lot of my blog posts.....AND, I would also bet for every holidays we've got sickness running through our house for the last 5 years.

So, overall the holidays were ok, but a bit hard--noone was feeling that great. My sister came and that visit was quite bumpy. I had to call her out a few times for her behavior and she finally apologized and was able to get it together. I always hope it will be better the next time.....and the next time.  She's in a tough spot with adjusting some of her medications and that doesn't help.  This may just be how it is w/ her for awhile. There's more to unpack here, but I wanted to focus on something else.

So.
I'm doing IVF.
At 45.
Yup.

I made the decision in December that even though the statistics are quite low w/ own eggs at my age, I felt in my heart I needed to try.  I initially thought starting over to make embryos was a deal breaker for me, but nothing was helping me to find peace about being 'done'.  I struggled with what to do for months and then finally decided (after doing some additional labwork w/ the Dr. and finding out that insurance still covers the medications) that I'll do this one final attempt and just see.
I started the injectibles last week and so far, things have been progressing well.  The way my Dr. does it w/ my age is that they recommended 2 rounds of  stimulation and retrieval, then transfer a 5 day, tested embryo (s) when we make it that far. I talked to the Dr. and said I wanted to just see how it progresses and if after this first retrieval we get nothing, I may just stop all together.
Right now I have 5 follicles they are watching and measuring. The other day we had 6, so not sure what happened today.  I looked back at my old numbers and for my very first IVF  in 2011 I had 7 follicles, they got 6 eggs, 3 embryos transferred and that made my daughter.  Then I had the IVF in 2013 that we got no eggs at first, then 5 eggs but no viable embryos (fluke is what Dr. said). THEN, I had the next IVF in 2013 where we had 16-ish follicles, 10 eggs, 5 embryos. 2 embryos transferred to make my son, 3 thawed March 2019 and 2 transferred, no success.

So, having only 5 follicles seems quite low considering not all of those follicles may have eggs, they may not be good quality (that's basically what I am majorly up against), and it seems like the numbers usually keep halving i.e. 5 follicles, maybe 1-3 eggs, maybe? ......just won't know until I try.
Of course I've been scouring all the research and statistics and honestly most everything says it's a slim chance. But, I don't care. There's always that one.

Even though I've decided to move forward, I have still thought through what is it, why am I so driven to do this?  Part of it, I wonder, is just....well.....I've always been working towards a goal. When I was in school I was working to graduate, then graduate school, then corporate career for 10 years, then thinking about and building my family for the next 10 years.....and now here I am, blessed to be in such a great place in my life, and really on the cusp of 'what's next'?
I think it's harder then I thought to let go of the family building part of my life, and not really knowing or defining yet the 'what's next' for me and my family.

That's where I'm hoping my new therapist can help support me. She's the one in the same office my daughter's psychologist is in. Thankfully my girl is doing much better now and we are seeing her Dr. weekly still.
Anyway, I just started to see her before the holidays, but she spent the last month getting married and on honeymoon, so will be picking up again soon. She seems really smart, has a lot of energy, and had some good advice for me already....when I told her about possibly moving forward w/ IVF plans I talked about why, etc.. and her response was great...she said, just because it seems illogical to me, doesn't mean it's irresponsible.  I really liked that.

Will see how all this goes!

Happy New Year: Dec 31, 2019

I wanted to at least do one more post to end 2019 and of course the decade. I will not miss 2019. This has been a hard year with my emergency surgery, my daughters challenges, my son being sick a lot, my sister had a terrible year all the way around, and my dad passing away.

So yeah, I welcome 2020 with open arms. I may write a summary post of 2019, the last 10 years, etc which of course is the decade I welcomed my children and life changed!.....but not tonight. Tonight I will focus on the start of a new time in my life. I’m reclaiming my health.

 It started with finding a new therapist that I actually think will challenge me in the way I need challenged. I’m so hopeful. Next step is to leave corporate America for awhile. I’ve now decided at least 6 months. It makes me anxious to say a year or more so let’s just keep it manageable. Then, it will be to start working on my physical health. I’ve got some goals. And right now they are about me. I’ve put my health on the back burner for 7 years. It wasn’t intentional it just happened as I fell to the bottom of the list. As a single parent, I get it. But now it’s time.
It’s as good as any, right?  Next month I will be 45. Here I come.

Welcome 2020. My heart and mind is open to possibilities. It’s the year of health-for me and my children, and for all my loved ones.

Happy New Year to you all!!

Sad News

I just looked to see that it's been a month since I wrote last. I skipped the whole month of November. That hasn't happened very often since the beginning of this blog...but suffice it to say that when I go radio silent, I've got a lot on my plate. Writing in my blog just seemed like another thing to do, and believe me, it wasn't at the top of my priority list.

Where do I even begin.....

It's been a roller coaster this last month.  Unfortunately things have been really tough for my girl and really the whole family. I mentioned last post that she was having some issues and it seemed to be getting somewhat more manageable, until it wasn't. Over the last 3 weeks or so it's been a real challenge. This poor poor baby.  She's been struggling just trying to go to school.
I decided the play therapist was a no go, so I found a psychologist....thank you for the last commenter who shared some thoughts on the play therapist. I agree with a lot of what you said, I think where I was struggling is that I felt pretty strongly that we weren't with the 'right one' for us. Also, I thought that we needed a bit more clinical approach w/ a Dr. in psychology.
So, I reached out to the office one of her teachers recommended, and we were paired up with their child psychologist. And the universe was so kind to me..... I was able to work with my insurance and get an exception for the out of network provider to be considered in network. What does that translate into? Instead of paying the full price of $175/each session, I will pay, but then get reimbursed so that it net costs me $20. Thank you so much universe.
So, we started seeing her about 4 weeks ago. I met her first at the very end of october to go through all that was going on, and then my girl started to see her the following week. Right from the get-go my girl was comfortable with her and went back with her all by herself.  That was such a good start.
I have really been hopeful/encouraged with this psychologist. She is very calm, matter of fact, my daughter likes her, and she not only is doing therapy with my child, but she is working with me on parenting her, AND our relationship together.  Almost half the session I am in there too talking about what is going on, etc. and then my girl stays to talk individually.
Every week she's got some handout or some new exercise for us to try.

The problem through all of this is that while it is helpful, therapy takes a lot of time to see real improvement--like months. And my girl has been having some tough days in the meantime. Sometimes she's so worked up that we can't even do the tools we've been learning i.e. mindfulness, breathing/calming techniques. I was feeling like we were making some progress in the month that we've been going there, mornings were getting 'slightly' better. Then we had Thanksgiving break.....and after the week off, going back to school has been so hard. I feel like we are at the beginning again. Last night she had what I would consider a tantrum from 5:30pm-8:00pm. She was exhausted.  She's not eating well at school either. Her lunches are coming back almost the same way they left the house. The fatigue is one of the hardest things to deal with as well.....this poor kid is exhausted. She does fine after school until closer to bed....but if I get her in too late, it's not good. I moved her bedtime up an hour before the thanksgiving break and that actually was helping some.

I mentioned in my last post, but this is going to be a journey. Some days okay, some days really not. Ive got a lot of feelings about all of this, but my biggest one is sadness right now for her, for me, for my son. Right now, it is just so hard for everyone. My poor son, he sees his sister getting so upset, and all he wants to do is try and help....he tries to comfort her.....and sometimes it works, but sometimes she just lashes back out at him.
One thing I saw that brought me to tears was watching my son be so tender with her during one of her moments. She was crying and he asked her if she wanted to sit by him on the couch. She laid down next to him and put her head in his lap. He then put his arm on her shoulder and said, 'It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay'. Then he says, 'You know what I learned at school today? I learned about the number 7. You are 7. So if you get upset, just think about that'. Be still my heart.
And you know what? She sat with him and calmed down.

I'm still working through all of this and figuring out the best way to manage. We are going to continue seeing the psychologist weekly and hope she can help guide us.

Thanksgiving
We were actually supposed to go to the midwest over the holiday. I had actually purchased tickets back in July when they had a really good sale. However, with all that has been going on, I just didn't feel like we should go. We have all been exhausted. Another universe being kind to me--I expected a battle on trying to get our flight refunded and the airline customer service agent could not have been more kind. He found a way to refund the entire flight. Oh thank you. So, instead of going out of town, we had a staycation and went to the same hotel we went to back on July 4th. Indoor pool, amazing breakfast. Just the 3 of us.

Unfortunately the night of our stay I got a call from my brother to call him right away. When I first saw his name pop up I just assumed they were calling to say hi/whatever since he and my sister were over at my Dad's for a Thanksgiving get together.

When I did actually talk to him it was not good.  They were on the way to the hospital and the ambulance was taking my Dad.

Unfortunately my Dad didn't make it and he died on Thanksgiving.

I was a bit stunned and in shock. My stomach fell to the floor.  He hadn't been in the best of health for years, but this was just unexpected to me. All I could think about was two things....one, he had called me about 3 weeks ago and asked me to call him back to tell him what the kids might like for Christmas and I hadn't called him back yet.....two, it didn't even occur to me to call on Thanksgiving. I had been so wrapped up in what was happening here, that the thought didn't even cross my mind.

All I could think about was that I hadn't called him back and now.......I will never again be able to. I don't know why this particular thing has stuck with me and replayed itself over and over. I think I am worried that maybe he thought I didn't care. I didn't want him leaving this earth thinking I didn't love him. As difficult as our relationship has been over the years, he was still my Dad.
And now I am crying.
It has been a mixmaster of emotions. I've gotten that sadly familiar yearning feeling like after my mom passed....hard to explain unless you've felt it yourself.  I found myself holding it together okay until the next morning when I just started sobbing....really grieving. I remember vividly how that goes....it's like a wave washing over you. All I am trying to do is let whatever I feel come up and just feel it.....and let it out.
It's a lot to process. Things were just complicated with him. There won't be a funeral since he didn't want one, so I am still here and not planning to travel there.

And my sister.....well, she's not doing well. She isn't dealing well at all. She went to the ER the other day because she hadn't been eating/drinking well for a few days and with one kidney, that's not an option. And as much as I don't want to write this, she's been self-medicating.

It's just been a lot.  I've been doing the best I can and I know we'll get through this difficult time. I asked the psychologist who she would refer me to for my own therapy, someone who focuses on adults, and they have one in their office. I'm going to see if I can't get set up with her.

I know we'll get through this. Things are just really hard right now.