Twister

That's exactly how I feel inside my brain. I have become obsessive compulsive again and it won't turn off. The topic this time is trying to figure out how I can not work and be a stay at home mom. It's amazing the amount of things I have been researching until like 2 am...not good for sleep, but I just can't stop.  So, some of the things are:
1) can't live in my home, too expensive, so looking at real estate here, real estate near extended family.
2) Health insurance.
3) Financial Advisor on whether it is better to rent my current home or sell
4) Realtor on the fees for renting
5) what car I can buy and pay outright so I don't have a car payment
6) excel scenarios of living by myself, living with my sister, not working at all and how little can I live off of
7) my finances overall
8) mortgage girl to check out rates and how much I could possibly borrow for a second home
9) Google mapping homes to see how far they are from important places like the Y, etc

I could keep going but I honestly have been driving myself insane w  all of the research I have been doing. If I am spending all of this time on the internet, when am I working, might you ask? Totally can't get into it. At. All.
I realize it is very soon...I just got back to work and this is only my second full week back....but I don't expect it to get easier.
How sad is this....I purposely don't look at my baby's picture at work because I then miss her and wonder what she is doing and my heart hurts a bit. I am looking at her now and I just love this little kid. She is so cute and squishy and starting to smile back at me....she even LAUGHED at me for the first time...I had to call my sister.

I don't know the right answer.  Although, my view of a stay at home mom might be skewed somewhat because I had the nanny working part time when I was on maternity leave. Dont expect to have that going forward if I didn't work....I just don't want someone else raising my child. I didn't have her so someone else could enjoy her more than me!

Any Sugar Dads out there? Sign me up.
Joking of course.....but the idea of someone else paying all of my bills sounds great to me right about now.

We went back to the hospital today to get a follow up ultrasound. She had her hips checked because she was in breech position. Apparently this is normal.  Well, one of the scans showed some slight issue they wanted to check out again. The Dr. said that normally it corrects itself, so not too worried.  My big girl did such a good job. She didn't cry at all!! She just looked around and probably wondered what that silly wand was doing and why she had to lay on her side, with mom making funny faces at her.

Back to Work

Hey boy....of course the time would come when I would have to go back to work.  Here's how I feel in a nutshell: It's been three months already, and it's only been three months!!

I had a lot of anxiety about it this week.  I know this because i've scarfed several donuts. On several days this week.  So when this happens I hunker down and go into research mode.  This time it was finances.
So, the night before I went back to work I started doing all kinds of calculations.  If I lived as cheaply as possible, could I 1) afford to work part time or  2) afford not to work at all for a few years? The answer to both of these questions is yes.  BUT, there would need to be some things put in place to make that happen. I would obviously be dipping into my savings, I couldn't afford to live in my house and I would have to move again....and we couldn't be w/out insurance so I would need to scope that out.  Well, and probably  most importantly.....if I want to plan for another baby, the current IVF insurance I have is amazing.

The other thing I scoped out is looking on job web boards to really see what kind of jobs there might be near extended family in my field....believe it or not, there just might be a couple.  One company currently has several jobs posted. I thought about just applying to start the conversation w/ them.  But if I moved to a new job, that would entail a relocation and working full time......the benefit is her growing up near her cousins.

In all reality, most likely I'm not going anywhere or doing anything different until April of next year. I have a two year contract due to my relocation that I need to fulfill or repay. Would not be smart to repay. 

But here's the deal....I did the math....I make a good income BUT, after taking off for house, car, nanny, bills, utility, groceries, etc....it almost goes down to nada.  Zilch.  Goose egg.  So why the heck am I working? The answer right now is that we need the insurance.  And to be fair, I had in my mind I would go back to work and not change that initially so I could get used to new baby and being a working mom.

I don't like it.  It is only day two, but I have such strong heart tugs while I am sitting in the office staring at her picture.  Wondering what she is doing w/ the nanny. Wondering if I would do it better--assuming I would do it better because I'm her mama.

All of this is normal. I'm sure.  So what?!  Feelings are real and believe you me, I've had plenty of heartbreak in my life to know what my priorities are.

I'm sure w/in time I'll make some decisions about our future.  For now, I'll keep my head low at work....I'll give myself the space to get back in the groove.

It sure is tough to being solely responsible for making the bacon.

Am I crazy?

Even before baby girl was born I've been thinking about baby number 2.  In my mind, when I was in a place to have children, I didn't picture myself with only one child.  I grew up with 3 other siblings and even though I'm not that close w/ 2 out of 3 of them, we had a lot of fun growing up.  A lot of that had to do w/ my mom and her fun-loving spirit, but having 3 others to play string, boardgames, and chase around the house circle (from living room to kitchen to dining room) was a great way to grow up. 

My baby is not even three months old and already I'm like when can I start?  A bit jokingly of course, because I do have some goals in mind before I try....one is that I give me and baby girl at least a year to be a family....two is that I've given my body enough time to heal....three is that I'd like to lose about 40-50 lbs in the next 9 months....and four is that I experience what it's like to work full time w/ a baby. 

Trying for a second baby hangs in the back of my mind, along w the usual nagging thoughts about moving back to the midwest to be around extended family.  I got a big pang of wanting to move just about 10 minutes ago--my cousin's wife sent a picture of the whole brood going trick or treating.  Her baby is only 4 months older than mine.  They had a whole wagon full of adults and kids out on the trick or treatin path.....I got a big tug inside about wanting my daughter to experience that too.  And yes, I've had plenty of people tell me that I will build my network here. Yes, I will.  But, that doesn't replace having these experiences w/ your cousins (albeit second cousins)/family.


To close out this post.....I'd like to say that I am starting to enjoy putting my baby in new outfits.

Clearly someone disgrees......





WTF

So...I got a package in the mail today for the baby from my 'Dad'.  The first thing I noticed is that it didn't seem like his handwriting.  Considering my Dad has never sent me a package in my entire 37 years, I can only assume it came from his new wife......and he certainly wouldn't pick out a baby outfit w/some cute socks, an ornament that says baby's first Christmas, and a little doll that says baby's first doll.

The thought was there, I'll say that.  However, I am really really bothered by the card that was sent.  The first thing in the card reads...."I was quite happy to get your phone call.  Now the rumor that you had a baby girl is put to rest with fact".

WTF... let me say that again WTF....RUMOR?! Seriously?! I know for a fact my sister called the day my baby was born to say that I had had the baby and was in the hospital.  She told me how the conversation went and that she explained my baby was from donor, etc etc..  How on this earth can that be construed as rumor, and to then send that in a card?! 

I can't explain how I feel about this totally right now.....I am quite tired so perhaps am taking this too harshly, but for my Dad to consider my baby a rumor just because I hadn't said anything is completely ridiculous and downright hurtful.  He KNEW she was born because my sister had called.  And for some reason, that wasn't enough for him to call himself for the last 2 1/2 months of her life and say Congratulations, or even just acknowledge.What kind of immature bullshit game is that to play?  I had a feeling it would come down to, "Well, you didn't say anything....so I wouldn't say anything...".  When I had talked to him on the phone he did call me out about my trip home this past April. He said that I must have been pregnant then, and I said yes.  He said, "And you didn't say anything?". I said no, I didn't...because I wasn't ready to share about it.  He said ok. Well, clearly it was bothering him, otherwise he wouldn't have made such an issue out of it.

I didn't want to be petty on the phone, but I could have brought up the fact that he wasn't forthright to any of us about getting remarried.  My sister just happened to find out when she was having lunch with them last year.  His new wife pulled my sister aside and said...oh by the way we got married. My sister called me hysterical.  It wasn't even HIM that told my sister.

See.....honestly even in the good of a gift I have a hard time accepting.  The bottom line is that it really isn't from him.  And...then throwing it in my face that apparently my baby didn't exist until I said so.
What an asshole.

That is why I am not interested in having a relationship with him.  He creates stress, anger, and anxiety most of the time.  Has for my whole life.  Perhaps this situation could have been avoided if I had shared w/ him back in April that I was expecting a baby, but I didn't share because I didn't need his judgement of my situation, ask me about why I wasn't marrying the donor, or be disappointed that I didn't get the support acknowledgement that I would have wanted, but couldn't expect.  I suppose my behavior before was a defense mechanism to avoid any hurtful situation about anything relating to my baby.  I'm not interested in my baby getting to know him....he's not a typical grandpa even to the grandkids he's got.  He's not an involved and supportive father....so why?

My resentments of my father are a long-standing issue that are well beyond what I wrote in here.  I've decided that I am ok w/ my baby not having a father because even if she did....he could not be healthy for her anyway. 

Enough for tonight...maybe some rest and a fresh perspective tomorrow will make this seem like no big deal. Pretty much chalk it up to....same ole crap.

Updates and Cuteness

So, after my rant about my family in the last post three things have happened:
1) My brother finally did contact me and he IS going to meet us for Thanksgiving. He told me he'd think about coming if he could scrape up the money.  I just told him I would send him a check for gas money.  If that's what it takes that's fine....because I know he has absolutely no money. In fact, I sent him double what I told him just because I know he needs it.  I have not sent him money before....maybe I am getting soft.  I honestly don't mind because whenever my one sister flies down here I pay for half her ticket.  She doesn't make much, and it is much easier for her to come here instead of me flying there.
2) My sister w/the kids let me know just today what holiday they want to meet up at....will be Christmas. Would have been nice to know sooner, but fine. Now I'll try and see what flight I can find under 600 bucks.  Refuse to not fly direct, so will see how it goes.....
3) I talked to my Dad for the first time since April of this year.  He called me because he got my letter and baby picture. He told me since he now had 'official' notification from me he thought he would call.  Whatever...couldn't call for last 10 weeks of her life, but that's to be expected from him.....

These things elicit some feelings in me about 'same ole crap'....but I'll just say that it's the family I am dealt with and that's it.  Gotta deal/work w/ it.

As for baby....oh boy.  She has started to have a 'witching hour' as I call it--starting around 6pm until around 10pm or midnight.  She cries on and off the whole time.  Soothing her is not easy.....I still try because I don't like to hear her crying. Tonight I kept trying to settle her down so I could get my new tv set brought in and set up.....but after several hours of her crying on and off it was really irritating me for the first time.  And I could really tell because my tone was getting testy w/ her i.e. 'baby girl....why are you crying? you don't know? please stop...mama is tired of hearing you cry'.  For real...what a mean mama!!
I think it just has gotten to me because this is about the 3rd day in a row this has happened.  In the past, it was one day.....then the next she slept like normal.....but for some reason no relief.
Perhaps this is what colic is....?  Although she doesn't scream....and it is not constant crying....just episodes where she seems tired and seems to fight it. She will start crying, settle down....look like she is maybe going to sleep.....ahhhhh....nope! It starts all over again w/ her crying---this happens for hours regardless of rocking, cradle, couch, pacifier, bottle, patting, floor time, etc.. etc....

It is not super terrible because eventually she calms down and does fall asleep. It would just be nice not to go through it every night. I am really really hopeful it gets better. I have some visitors coming to town and staying w/ me this weekend/next week.  Crossing my fingers this is a fluke.

Then mixed in w/ all of that is her looking so super cute I could just eat her up!!  A friend's mom sent me the outfit below....who can resist a strawberry hat on a sleeping baby.  Scrumptious.

First Cold and Family stuff

Oh my little cookie has her first cold. My two really good friends came in from out of town this weekend. One of them had a cold and I assumed he got sick only because he was run down. He had been working like a dog. Well, I underestimated that little bug, because both baby and I got it.  Yesterday I had a really scratch throat, stuffy nose, etc.....and I should have known baby wasn't feeling well because she was pretty fussy from 6-12 midnight last night. She didn't want bottle, pacifier, rocked, held, nada. She seems to have these episodes when something is off. Like last time this happened she filled two diapers w/ poopy at the end of that night!  About early 3am she started sneezing greenish stuff and being totally congested.  Nanny came today and while I slept for the 4 hours she was here, she gave my baby some vapo rub.  When I woke up I checked her temp and she had a 'slight' fever at 99 degrees. Gave her some tylenol, held her....and am feeding her whenever she wants. She's only eating an ounce or so....but I'm not pushing it.  I know what it's like to feel like crap.

One thing that's got me bunched up is my family...or so-called family.  I have a Dad, mom passed away 4 years ago, 2 older sisters, and one younger brother.  My sisters are 41, 39, I am 37...brother 32.  The 41 year old is the one I am closest to and talk to about every day. We've had our own bumpy past, but since my mom died we have really grown much closer. The 39 year old is married to an emotional alcoholic abuser and has 3 kids. My nieces are 16, 12, and nephew 14.  My brother is not married.

Basically I am a bit disappointed/irritated at everyone except my 41 year old sister. 

First, my Dad has yet to call and say congratulations about the baby. Yup that's right....she was born 2 months ago.  I assume it's because I didn't call him to tell him I was pregnant during the pregnancy. I just didn't feel the need....we don't have a relationship and honestly I think he has Asperger's.  He's been a major source of stress throughout my life and is not fun to be around....you always had to walk on eggshells. He was physically there, but not emotionally there....not towards my mom either.  Anyway, he's one of those who would say, "Why should I?  She didn't call me!".  It is soooo typical.  Not that there would be a normal grandparent/grandchild relationship since I live here.....but at least acknowledge.  I recently got some pictures for family/friends and my 41 year old sister asked me if I got one for my Dad. Sad to say I hadn't even thought of him when I ordered.  Anyway, she said I should probably send one. Well, I caved and did.  I even put my phone number in the little letter.  He called my siblings to ask my address awhile ago. Why wouldn't he call me and just ask?  So irritating and typical.

Next, I called my sister in the abusive relationship about the holidays last week. I asked her what her plans were and would it be easier to meet up at Thanksgiving or Christmas so they could all meet the baby...I would flex my flight plans depending on what she could do.  I could tell her husband was sitting there when I called because she always has this "tone" in her voice....and she then would ask him what they could do.  Seriously.  Since they are only 2hours from my uncles, I was thinking it would be easier for her to meet us there.  Anyway, during the call last week she said they would talk it over and she would for sure call me and let me know what would work.  I asked to let me know soon because I would need to book my flights.
Do you know I have yet to hear from her?
Of course this is not a shocker.....holidays are always a source of contention.  When their kids were younger, she/her husband "withheld" the kids from our family during holidays as punishment when they would be upset about something. This really upset my mom sooo much....but since her passing my other siblings and I don't play that game. We say if you can make it fine, if not fine.  Up to you.
But this year there is a new baby....my baby....and her cousins (16, 14, and 12) are dying to meet her.  And her stupid ass parents can't get their shit together so their kids can meet their cousin.  So,  I went ahead and booked the Thanksgiving flight based on what worked best for me and baby.  Can't worry about them.

Finally, I am not too close w/ my brother, but I decided to call him a few days ago to check in.  Left a voicemail....heard nothing.  Then I texted yesterday that I would be going to Thanksgiving (which coincidentally is 2 hours from him too), and if he wanted to meet his new niece there he could.  Nothing.  So today, I sent a text saying, "ummm....are you there?".....Nothing.  What the frack?!

I think I am upset because there must have been a small part of me that thought w/ the new baby in the picture, they might behave differently. Might make an effort. Might show they care enough to make an effort to meet their niece.....just a little bit. Well, I should have known.  It's disappointing, but mostly it makes me feel lonely....like my family unit really is dissolved since my mom died and it's just me and my sister.  I have to be thankful for that, but even that relationship is tough sometimes because my sister is somewhat emotionally unstable and has highs and lows.  I am not at a place where I can rely on her to "be there" for me.....

I can't think too much more about it because it will just get me upset.  I just feel bad that my daughter won't have much of a relationship w/ my immediate family, and of course she doesn't have her biological father side of the family.  What does she have for family? What does that leave her?  Yes she has me and my sister.....but that's so little.  She deserves much more.  It just makes me feel somewhat selfish that I brought her in this world---wanting her so much---knowing that her extended family would be limited.  She wouldn't have any grandmas.....she doesn't really have a grandpa.  Her aunt and uncle are ridiculous.  I knew this already.  But, my drive to mother her overrode those shortcomings.....I guess what I am really saying is....will I be enough for her?  Only time will tell if she thinks so. 
The other thing I realized is I miss someone mothering me.  When push comes to shove, I don't have the big hug to turn to from my mom....no spouse....it just is tough.  Sometimes I just want someone to take care of me too, you know?

And to top off my day, my cat threw up all over my formal living room sofa.

Little Doll

I am such a proud mama.  I can't tell you the number of times complete strangers have come up to us in the store and say "She looks just like a little doll".  I have to admit....when she is sleeping she kind of does.  I may be biased, but I think my baby is the cutest thing. Just like most moms...I can hold her and just stare at her little eyelashes, mouth, ears.....

And, I think it's time to share her.  I really enjoy pictures of other moms and babies, so here she is....Baby Girl....this is one of the pics that was taken from the gift my friends gave me. The package I got allowed me to have the digital original image for 5 of the photos...this is one that I chose...

12 Days old

She has changed a lot as well (just turned 8 weeks old)....so here is a picture of her that I took yesterday snapped from Iphone.

8 weeks 1 day old

I really love this little baby so much.  The longer we are together the more my heart grows for her.  Just the other day she smiled a REAL smile.  She's had those half smiles, etc.. but one of the books I am reading says a real smile is when they smile w/ their whole face, not just their mouth. And she DID!  It was soooo cute. She doesn't do it very often, and frankly I was starting to wonder about when she would start interacting more. She still isn't overly interactive, but I think that's to be expected considering her adjusted age is still just 3 weeks old. I have to keep that in mind.

We had a marathon evening tonight where she had major tummy issues.  She just couldn't settle down and fall asleep. Alternate periods of crying, sleeping, eating, pacifier, burping, rocking, soothing, etc and not sleeping soundly....for last 5 hours.  This happens once in a while and then I know she is really uncomfortable. Sure enough at about 10pm I changed her diaper (again) and she had some poops.  It was very formed (again) which means she is still constipated. This started about a week ago when I changed her to soy formula. Once she had the second diaper of formed poops to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I quickly took her off soy and have changed again....long story but we have tried 5 formulas for spit up, gas issues..and none seem to resolve them all.  So, we are back to square one and are on the spitup formula. The Dr. recommends the orange for gas and fussiness so when we go to store will pick that up. We tried that too, but not long enough to know if it would help.  I do hope taking her off soy will help her have better poops!

By the way I took her to the Dr. for her 2 month check up and she is at 8lbs 14oz.  She also grew to 21.5 inches...from 17 inches, that's pretty good!  She got her shots and took them like a champ. She cried at first, but quickly calmed down. I told her how proud I was of her....and explained mama was making sure she stayed healthy.

Ahhh the things we talk about now, huh? bodily functions, sleeping, crying.  And since I am not back to work yet, that is what I am consumed with.  But I do enjoy it. 

I am soooooo glad I have the nanny and decided to have her work part time for the 4 hours during the week. In fact, I just asked her to work tuesdays too....so she now works M, T, W, and Th from 10-2pm.  It give me enough of a break where I can collect myself by resting, running errands, etc. and be ready to handle the other 20 hours of the day.  And honestly, after Fri-Sun I am really ready for her to come again Monday.  It's not that I don't enjoy taking care of baby...I do. It's just any normal person needs a break.

Physically, I have regained my energy level and feel pretty much healed. I still have some soreness at the incision site, but expect that to remain for awhile.  The one thing that hasn't healed is my bladder. For some reason I am still having issues, so my Dr. told me I needed to go see a urologist.  As for my OB, I have been officially released.  It was kind of sad, really....since I have spent so much time there and have gotten to know them. 

I go back to work full time November 1 and not sure how I feel about it.  My mental mind is excited to get back in the problem solving, but being away from her that long every day is what I don't know how that will go.  I did ask my boss if he is okay having me work from home 1 day a week to start with. He agreed and we'll decide whether it is two 4 hour blocks on 2 days, or 1 day.  either would be fine w/ me.

Lots of other projects I have been thinking about and working on....still have some things to remodel in my house and have been talking to contractors. It's amazing how many things I can find to do to occupy myself. One thing I need to do is start working out again...I was thinking back several years ago how active I was...playing sports 2 days a week and working out the other several days.  Right now I don't work out at all. All in due time....sheesh.

Hope those of you who read this blog enjoy the pics of my little baby cookie.