28 weeks

I was at a follow up appointment today and got this picture of my baby girl's profile.

So sweet.

I don't really get tired of seeing her on the ultrasound screen.  She also weighs 2lbs 11 oz now.  I hope I'm going to have a little piggy and I can't wait!!!  Her stomach was really big last time...this time other part are catching up....but so neat to see.  She was very active...and has been last few days.

I also had my work baby shower today.  A lot of the people I work with were in town for a meeting, so they had scheduled when the most could be here.  It was short, sweet, and no games!!  We ate lunch, then I opened gifts, then one thing I did do was ask everyone to go around the table and give some advice that stuck w/ them.  The other thing I did was ask the 3 dads in the room what advice they would have, or want to be sure some male role model plays for her. The biggest thing was building male relationships to help build a sense of confidence. Can't agree more.
They were generous...overly so.  They got me some big things like the pack and play and a video monitor for the baby. Also, some clothes/items that couldn't have been cuter....and some breast feeding supplies--I'm changing back to this boss and we've talked about importance of breastfeeding....so she got nursing pads, cover-up, etc..
My message to all of them was how lucky I felt to be in a team that has embraced my path and decision to be SMC (at least outwardly no one has said anything at all negative)....and that I appreciate their support in many ways. Since my mom has passed and my extended family is several states away, I rely on this community as extended family.  I actually have been totally open about how I'm building my family. I am not embarrassed by it at all and don't see the need. I usually just sense how the other person is, and if they ask questions...I answer.  Someone outside my group asked me when I told her about the IVF "did you get to use your own eggs"....I said yes. Initially I thought is was a strange question, but when she revealed that she had struggled w/ fertility, totally got it.

Oh and I almost totally forgot to mention.....I got the house!!!!!!!!  The sticking points were 1) could we get A/C fixed up to be better in master bedroom (yes) and 2) would they agree to money off price of home for repairs needed.  We submitted 13k, they came back w/ 6,500....and we went back w/ 8,500 and they agreed.  This just got finalized last night.
SO----it means baby and I will have a home to go to.  I didn't realize how heavy this was weighing on me until it all came through and I feel much lighter.

I am physically exhausted w/ all that's happened in last few days...lots of deep breaths today to keep it in check.....but a good one.

Sunday Night/Monday Morning

Insomnia.  I've got it.  It's now 12:06am. Officially Monday.  I am not totally surprised and it is somewhat my fault.  I didn't stick to my rule of getting up at 9am yesterday or today.  I slept in both days until around 11-12. Then today I even took a nap.  Really....I do this mostly when I am bored.  It would have been good for me to get out of the apartment today, go to the book store, grocery store...just somewhere. Naw...have been flipping TV all day long...mixed w/ surfing the internet. Back to a schedule tomorrow as I do have to go in the office.....I am thankful for that.

The house--well....realized that we couldn't get all inspections done by Friday close of business. So, we asked for an extension until end of day tomorrow. We even have another A/C guy coming tomorrow morning to see if a few new vents can be put in. Talk about last minute, but in the summer, it can just be that way.  There are a lot of things that would need to be done to the house. Not total re-do, but still.  Part of me is nervous that it will work....or that it won't work.  I have waffled a bit on this because of just having an easy out next year if I decide I want to move.

Although, my apartment living peace has now been disrupted. Unfortunately this week I got some new neighbors across the hall.  Imagine 2 or 3 20-something's....boys.....guess what they like to do?  Surround sound video games, surround sound movies, and surround sound music.  The base might as well be in my living room. At all hours of the day and night--thump thump.....thump...thump thump thump.....you get the picture.  In fact right now, I can hear it and yes, It's midnight.  The first few days they moved in I called the office and they'll put a letter to them. Don't have high hopes for that....but it will be at least another 6 weeks that I live here.  Going to have to do something.

I finally have another preparation checked off my list!!!  My friend who will be w/ me during delivery is driving here from out of town next weekend. I signed us up for the fast track one-day childbirth education class.  It is from 9-5, includes general info, some breathing techniques, tour of hospital and nursery, etc..I'm excited to get to see the rooms and the floors in the hospital to help me get a picture of it all. Gives me some comfort when it is time.

I'm feeling ok.  My upper stomach is still sticking out a bit more, but I was told by several people when I say I am 7 months along...wow, where is she?  I don't mind at all as long as she's staying growing on track. I actually met up w/ some friends yesterday and all 3 of them have younger children. I asked a lot of questions about nannies/day cares, etc.. and it seems 2 of the 3 have really had a tough time finding the right 'fit'. Either the nanny didn't work out, the daycare just doesn't work, or all the above. One of them said her daughter is in her fifth arrangement in 6 years. Part of that included a move, but still.  It got me a bit concerned. Also, they were very quiet when I asked them about motherhood....saying, "I assume it's hard, etc."....strangely quiet. Maybe they were thinking OMG, it's hard enough w/ a husband......who knows.  That's why I go back and read my blogs of people just like me.  Makes me feel better.

It's father's day and I didn't call my Dad.  I just don't have a relationship w/ him enough to want to call.  It's strange how I had such an amazing love with my Mom.....and such an angst and stress w/ my Dad all these years. He was very traditional in that he made the money, but that's where his role stopped.  He wasn't the type to go outside and play catch, or take us places, etc.. He also was very short-tempered and we all never knew what would set him off.  Was it that we were going to a restaurant he didn't like..? Did someone make a noise at the table?  He would fly off the handle regularly....and was socially awkward.....so it was simply stressful being around him. But, that didn't stop my mom from trying to make it all work....being the peace-maker.....bringing us all together because...well...that's what families did.

Although, in a way, my mom was a single parent.  My dad worked nights and slept during the day. My mom pretty much took care of everything.  She was always there....at every sporting event. And guess what? We didn't have extended family around....we didn't have babysitters.....she did it all herself. And now, look who's doing the same thing?  Difference is, she didn't have to have a job financially to make it happen.

It's interesting how growing up that way has shaped my views of what it means to be a great mom, what I wouldn't tolerate in a partner....and that I can do this myself.  Scary as all of this is sometimes.

Better!

I am glad that I can report improvements....! 

In my overall well being--since going on modified bedrest I have slowly felt a bit better w/ the shortness of breath, fast pulse, headaches, etc.. And I know when I do too much/stay too long at work because the symptoms start coming back.  I know that my muscle mass is dwindling away, but that's what after baby is about...building my strength back up. If I can just maintain and keep her where she belongs, that'd be just great w/ me.  Since that really big dip after my hospital stay in physical/mental health....my emotions/mind has seen improvement. I feel much more "normal" than the wreck I was.

Baby--I have just crossed 27 weeks and am looking towards 28 weeks next Tuesday! 7 months, 3rd trimester, close to the finish line (but not too close that she doesn't need to stay put!).  She weighs 2lbs 4 oz and is still growing right on track.  While I was at last ultrasound I got to see her move her hand in front of her face. So cute.  She is moving moving moving.  Mostly after dinner, and then when I lie down to go to sleep. It's almost like she's trying to get comfortable too.

Place to live: Believe it or not, I put in an offer on a house.  We are still in inspection period and have uncovered several things. It is going to depend on how much the seller willing to negotiate when we bring the $$$ amount to them.  We have to finalize a deal by Friday--two days--or contract will not go.  It has been a bit overwhelming over last few days, but what tipped me over the edge on buying was: house came up on great street, my old neighborhood, 1 block from park, 4 blocks from school, and sort of okay price/shape. The other thing was about money.....no surprise.  I was realizing I kept needing to bump my rental budget up because a lot of what I was seeing wasn't big enough, not in really good shape, etc.. It got bumped up so much that it just rivaled going ahead and buying a house for equal payments.  Really a no brainer when you consider interest rates so low, etc..  So, why not. Will see.

My sister came for a visit this past weekend and it really was nice.  She helped out so much w/ the 'physical' stuff like helping to recycle, do my 3 loads of dishes, clean bathroom, laundry, grocery shop, etc.. We've both come to terms w/ the fact that her strong suit is not the emotional, but the physical. So, that's what she came to do.  I also had my last OB appointment w/ her and she got to see the ultrasound for the first time, meet my Dr., etc..  She was amazed--and I never get tired of seeing my baby move around..showing signs of good health.  It was really nice having someone here, to go places w/, to talk to...etc..  Really a good visit.  She may even come back down if the house goes through to help me move in.

I have not had pressure at work to be there or be at home. They kind of take it as I can do it. It's been great. Not to say I still have guilt because of what I know I could do if I was 100%. But, I am not. I've gotta just deal.

I'm slow to update in my blog these days....no real reason.  I've been reading others and really continue to learn/appreciate what others going through too. This is a non-conventional, often tough road.  I know for me it's just begun since baby not here yet.  But, I heard a quote on TV the other day that is sticking w/ me....

"Life begins when you step outside your comfort zone"  unknown author

And boy has it for me!

No Wieners

I know in some old posts I've said pregnancy is not for wieners. Well, I really do mean it this time.  Whew. I have to say this past Wednesday had to have been the worst I felt since the beginning of all this---physically and mentally.

Since coming home from hospital last Friday, I tried to take it easy...relax, but not too much. Well, I think I got too much sleep over last weekend (which is usually the start to a spiral down), and my shortness of breath, indigestion, fast pulse were in overdrive.  The Holiday came, then I was still pretty fatigued and not feeling well Tuesday, so stayed home sick from work.

So Wednesday I said okay, get it together, get to work.  It seemed from the moment I opened my eyes, took a shower, I was short of breath.  I pushed through thinking once I get to work it would be better.  I huffed and puffed my way to my desk space.  Couldn't seem to breathe well all morning.....and headache was back.  Then, I went down in our office building at lunch....and during that walk just wanted to cry. Emotionally I felt so drained and physically I could walk, but it felt like I was 80+ years old and weighed 500 lbs.  I was getting light headed as well.
Finally got something to eat and made it back to my work space.  I was done. I had left a message for the nurse that morning and she called around 1pm.  I told her of my continued issues and she said I should probably come in and have the Dr. re-evaluate me that day.

Headed over to Dr. and when I got there I just said this isn't working...I felt so rotten, and barely able to function. I was worried she was going to hospitalize me again, but at that point I didn't really care.  She checked if I was retaining fluid (no), checked fluid around baby(good), checked my weight gain (9 lbs good), checked my blood pressure (122/80).  Her response was what we had talked about before. She believes that the additional blood and fluid volume is just really hard on my body and its not coping well.  But prior to her saying so she looked very serious, turned to me and said "there's no turning back now".  She said the baby is at a point that if I was in distress, they would have to deliver her. And she's not ready.  I just simply responded w/ "I know". Scared the bejeezees out of me.  My anxiety went to a whole new level worried about my baby and preterm delivery. All the complications, etc. I just could hardly think.

She felt like she wanted to get another set of eyes on me so she did refer me to a pulmonary specialist that I will see on Tuesday.  Just to rule out any other problem (other than what she's identified).  Oh, and when I asked her about work she said it seemed to her I could barely function...yes, true. So, I asked if I should work from home.....she said she'd write me a letter stating that is was necessary.  Her guidance is that I need to keep the least amount of stress on my body and keep my heart rate down.  It's bedrest in a way, but I'd like to think of it as modified.

Because saying BEDREST scares the bejeezees out of me too.....My emotional state being what it is, isolation like that is something I can't fathom right now. 

As you can see, this week has been very tough.  But, I have thought about what I can do during this time.....here's what I've done and will do:
1) went to see counselor twice this week
2) Called my good friend and cried it out.
3) Texted a few friends out of town and asked if they would come stay w/ me in next several weeks....they all said yes
4) Talked to my sister and she is coming in town next weekend for 4 days
5) Upon advice from close friend...I called one of their nurse friends and walked through situation. Wanted to see if doing the right things, missing anything. Nurse friend is totally on board w/ Dr. viewpoint and plan.
6) Made myself a schedule. MUST be up by 9am....work, eat breakfast, work, lunch/shower, work until end of day, go to apt pool and just sit or wade. It makes my body feel good. Go out of apartment from 5:30-around 7pm.  Come home, TV, bed at reasonable hour. It is CRITICAL I don't let myself sleep too much and control the things I can control...like getting out of bed.
7) Blogged.
8) Plan in place to talk to boss about whole issues since last week, and come up w/ a workable schedule.

That's all I can think of for now, but thought a pretty good list.

Yesterday and today I worked from home. Had two full days of work, stuck to the schedule....and have felt better. THANK YOU LORD.  I am going to continue trying to keep my heart rate down, to keep the shortness of breath/headache at bay. 

I still worry that something will happen to me or baby during this time....that nagging thought still there. I suppose reasonable given the scares I've had so far.

Gotta take it day by day.  That's all I can do. (Sometimes minute by minute :)   )

Hospital (again)

Well...had quite the eventful week. Was back in the hospital on Wed to Fri.  I know I've mentioned here my shortness of breath, maybe my persistent headache, tingly in my hands/feet upon exertion etc...and I just kept feeling worse. So, I stayed home from work on Tuesday, called the nurse, and finally spoke to her on Wed afternoon.  I told her my symptoms and she wanted me to come and see the Dr. that day.
So Wed afternoon headed over there and the Dr. did the ultrasound--baby looks great--but mama not so much. She said I need to be admitted. She was worried about blot clot again given my history, current symptoms, and the testing I need couldn't be done in their offices.

The hospital is adjacent to the Dr.'s office so I just walked myself over there and got admitted. For next few days we did a lot of testing to rule out blood clot.  I'll spare you the details of the hospital stay...it was fine. But, I was pretty isolated and it was somewhat lonely. I thought I was going to go home Wed night, but the Dr. decided on more testing. Then thought I'd go home Thurs night....again more testing. I didn't call anyone to come visit, assuming I was heading home both nights. Anyway, was there until late Friday afternoon.

My View

Good news.  No new blood clots.  So why the symptoms?  The Dr. thinks that my body just isn't tolerating the additional volume of fluids as well as it should. My body now has 40% more than before baby, and will gain another 20% before birth.  She wants me to rest for next many days. She says my body needs no additional stress on it.  I was given several breathing treatments to open up my lungs and it seems to have helped some.  Headache still here, but as long as we know not a clot causing it, I can relax and just deal w/ it.

If any of you have been admitted, hospitals are not very restful places. Once I got home yesterday I laid on sofa and fell asleep w/in minutes...then slept all last night. I laid in my bed today until 1:30pm. Rest, yes I can do that.  After awhile it is not much fun, but if it will help me feel better and cope w/ the symptoms, I'll do that.

This certainly has been physically tough on me.  Emotionally too, I suppose.  I thought a lot of my mom during these last several days.  Her support that she would have given. I even imagined her walking through the door of my room, sitting next to me, and putting a comforting hand on mind. Stroking my hair back telling me it was going to be okay. In a way that only my mom could do--because I would believe her.  Really brought me to tears. It is right now, actually.  Of course I was afraid of what they might find, worried it would impact the baby....taking a big sigh of relief when they put the stomach heartbeat monitor on and her heart is beating away.  I have to say my baby has been a trooper. She is continuing to show her presence and kicks away at the monitor (doesn't like it much), and certainly didn't like the loud noises of the MRI--she let me know that by doing many punches/kicks/somersaults during the procedure.

I know I am in good hands w/ my Dr. and the hospital I have chosen. It helps, but doesn't erase the roller coaster ride this has been for me.  Never could I have predicted how difficult this would be.  I keep telling myself that the harder things are to come by, the more you learn and appreciate later on.

Thank God for the people in my life who love me and support me.

What a difference

Last week at this time I was having my most productive day in MONTHS. I went to the gym, went to the grocery store, started my dishes, wiped off surfaces, AND cooked a meal. 
And today......I haven't left the apartment.  Got up around 11:30am.  Then took a nap. So ridiculous. I don't need this much rest. However, I will say my short of breath is starting to get more and more. I shaved my legs and by the time I was done you'd have thought I ran a few miles.

I have made some progress on my "list to do". A coworker and I went to go start my baby registry. It's not quite ready and done, but we made progress.  I must say I got totally overwhelmed in the store. The very first aisle we went down, she started asking a few questions.....and I just started tearing up. I just realized how much I don' tknow about taking care of a baby. So many things you need, so many gadgets and stuff. And sticker shock to boot.  But, I collected myself, got it together and we finished.  There were some things I wanted to research more like carseats. So amazing how they've marketed a product w/ so many choices. To the point you just don't know where to turn.  For example, you can have an infant car seat that can carry up to 22lbs, 30lbs, 32lbs, or 35lbs.  Of course the 35lb-er seat is much heavier than the 22 lb-er seat. BUT, you can carry the baby longer in it.  So, which do you choose? I haven't quite landed that yet. And not only that, once you decide on infant seat, what kind of stroller do you want?  Do you want a travel system...or do you want a snap and go that just holds the infant carrier and the child doesn't "grow into it".  If you go the snap and go it is MUCH lighter and more convenient than a travel system, BUT, once the child doesn't fit in the infant seat, you are done and need another stroller anyway.
Starting to see what I mean?  And for someone who does not like making decisions and gets overwhelmed shopping in general....this is tough.

I really want to say, "back in my day" things weren't fancy and we survived.  Do I really need to get caught up in all of this?

On physical front, feeling not bad.  Still can't see baby, but she is in there moving around a lot. Mostly at night.  The digestion/burping/heartburn, etc. has been terrible.  I went w/ a friend of mine to an Italian restaurant yesterday. Bad move. Oh wow, when Tums doesn't help you know it's bad. I was up 6 times last night.  Staying away from that.  I weighed myself yesterday and still +8.  I know I am losing muscle weight, which isn't great...but I am happy I'm not blowing up.  I think my metabolism is higher than usual because I still eat regularly.  Still have acne, and the shortness of breath is the most troublesome.  I get winded climbing my 3 flights of stairs. I sometimes get winded just taking a shower.  I think because I can't really get a good, deep breath. I know the bigger she gets the more it will be.
Emotionally doing okay. Again, thankful I've stopped the tabbs. I feel much more even.

Next check up in a few weeks.

Gone with the Tabs

Well, I think I might have found the problem....I stopped taking the fabb tabs and I have not had a "low-low" since then.  I have actually felt pretty good (except up until last two days, but that was more physical). I feel like i should have trusted myself earlier because I thought they were a problem the first time I took them. I could have possibly saved me some tough days....Live and learn.

I am now in my 22nd week....wow.  Inching closer to 30, then 38 then baby time!  My stomach is definitely harder in my lower stomach--and it is catching up to my upper stomach stick out.  But, I notice because it's me. I still think if some friends saw me that hadn' t for awhile, they might just think I got fatter in my midsection--still no noticeable OMG there's something in there. I am starting to be grateful (now that I know baby measured perfectly last check up), because I'd rather be this way than the opposite!  I honestly started worrying my baby was too little because I ran into someone who was just two weeks ahead of me--waaay bigger in the belly. But Dr. assured me everyone carries differently.

Still having headache every now and then, digestion issues, fatigue that comes on stronger every now and then, short of breath sometimes, bloating, very thirsty, stretching pains in lower abdomen, acne.....this gig is not a joke.  It is physically tough...at least for me it is.  Can't say I was prepared for it.

What is wonderful? Feeling her move.  It's still not very strong, but I notice it after I eat food, especially something sweet--must be sugar. She punches, turns about...it feels stronger than muscle twitches, but not quite a jab.

The question everyone asks me about is, "Do I have any names picked out?".  I have some circling in my mind, but I think I won't announce until I see her and probably keep it quiet until then. My sister was not too happy about that plan.  In fact, she told me doing that was stupid.  I told her when she has her own kids she can do things how she wants to.  I later told her it really bothered me--her reaction. It seemed like the judgemental sister came back for a brief instant. I told her it would have been much better if she put a filter on and said that it hurt her feelings that I didn't share this w/ her. She did agree and said would be more sensitive in the future. Time will tell. She sometimes has problems w/ the filter.

Work is going okay. I did talk to my boss about my flexible schedule--I wanted to open the door in case he had any issues, had gotten complaints, etc.. He has not and basically went the opposite direction and said if I need more flexibility or whatever, he'd be open to that.  He really has been extremely supportive. In fact, he has intentionally not put a lot of pressure my way to make sure I feel okay.  There is a piece of me that feels guilty, though.....because I know what I am capable of, I know how I've produced in the past.   The truth is I have a hard time pushing myself, as I've always been externally motivated by deadlines.  And it's even harder now to be motivated because I am so absorbed in this baby growing process. 
I just tell myself "do the best I can"....my priority is my health, physical and mental, and the health of the baby.  It will have to just work itself out.

Other things I've been thinking about is still finding a place to live, getting registered for baby, get into a class at the hospital, thinking about new car...I have a two door and it will be ridiculous if I don't upgrade to a four door, especially w/ my back problems...just need energy to focus on that.

I'm just wishing for me to continue feeling better and that baby keeps on growing like she should.