Sunday

Well, I've traveled a bit over last few weeks. One for work and one to visit family. Figured I better get these trips in now.

Things have been progressing fine w/ baby. I'm almost 21 weeks and I have my next check up this upcoming Friday. I also think I felt her move. Of course, since I didn't know what to expect, I think I've been feeling it for a little while now. At first I thought it was just muscle twitch, unsettled stomach (NOT gas bubbles as people tend to say). But, I've been noticing them more and finally put two and two together.  It's so slight that it's hard to catch. I notice it more after I eat/drink.  I laid on my bed today totally flat (which is hard to do w/ a bad back) to see if I could see anything on the outside. Not yet.  Interestingly, I stepped on the scale and it seems I've lost some. So, my total weight gain is +6 lbs.  I think the biggest swing in numbers is water weight. I bloat up fairly easily AND I drink so much water a day (probably almost 100 oz)--imagine retaining that much water!?. But, this weekend I haven't eaten a ton and laid around a bit. These two activities get my kidneys working well and flushing out a lot of fluid.  So really? Not sure how much "true" weight I've gained. Still no real bump. I can still wear all regular clothes, although some friends of mine went w/ me to get some more pants. One pair for work just wasn't cutting it. I just bought a bigger size non-maternity. They are working just fine.

I am still looking for a place to live. I've decided buying probably isn't best for me now, so I'll rent. I've decided that due to my budget what I'll probably do is rent a smaller place and leave most of my things in storage where they already are.  The combination of those two is still less than a bigger place where my stuff can be delivered. I honestly don't want to go through all those boxes now and I haven't used/needed anything in them for a year.  The only sentimental thing in there is all of my photo albums.
But where to rent and what?  I've narrowed down my options to staying in this complex in a 2 bedroom instead of one on the first floor (it really is decent living here) OR, rent a smaller house. (which would be less expensive than here believe it or not).  The only thing is they don't have a two bedroom first floor opening until July!! And I'm not sure how I feel about people above me. I've done it before and it can be annoying for sure.  I've been scouring the real estate leasing site and have stumbled upon a few houses. But good catches move quick.
I can't believe I've been in this apartment over a year now. 

It's good that I have friends. They are keeping me on track about the planning "stuff" for baby that I don't do well. One friend called the other day and said have I moved? No. Have I started childbirth classes? No. Have I registered for baby stuff? No. Have I started preparing a nursery? No.  Do I have support lined up after baby? No.  I'm 5 months along and probably a little behind.  Another work friend insisted I put a date in two weeks on our calendars so she can go baby register w/ me. She has 3 kids and knows a lot about what I do/don't need. I have no clue.

My emotional state has had its ups and downs, but I decided to do an experiment and stop taking my Fabb Tabs--folic acid plus a few other things in them.  I noticed when I first started taking them in my first few weeks of pregnancy I got a bit of an emotional reaction and stopped taking them.  Instead, I took over the counter for awhile at 400mcg.  But, when I said that to my Dr. she said not enough, I need at least 1,000 mcg a day.  So, back to the fabb tab about 4 weeks ago.  And as you know I've had some pretty low lows over last several weeks. SO--I stopped them a few days ago and found an over the counter at 1,000mcg and going to try that.  Will see....but initially things seem to be better.  I'm willing to try.

Things just keep moving along....

It's been awhile

I know....it's been awhile since I blogged.  For a few reasons. Mostly because it's been a bit tough and I didn't want this blog to have a 'negative', 'whiny' feel to it. And honestly, I didn't want to hear it from anyone that I need to think differently. I do want to say that there are a lot of good things happening w/ the baby i.e. she is continually growing like she should (sigh!) and things look pretty normal. Last ultrasound showed the bottoms of her little feet. It was really the cutest thing.

Physically: I am now at 19 weeks.  Last check at Dr. I was up 8 lbs. total. Not too bad. Still not showing--just look fatter. I do feel a lot of the "stretching" or ligament pain due to the growth.  My chest has grown and remains sore, mostly at night.  I have a lot of indigestion, acid reflux, heartburn and have been popping tums like no tomorrow. I have had restless leg syndrome several nights which makes sleep pretty tough.  I think the morning sickness might be waning because just this last week I felt a bit better.  I have had some slight swelling in legs/feet if I am on them a lot that goes down after the night. Have had several random headaches (don't normally get them at all).

I think I've figured out that the mental and emotional roller coaster pregnancy can create is not for wusses. This takes some guts and perseverance.

Things I've been thinking about:
1) For some reason it is still hard for me to grasp that I will have a baby at the end of this. I don't know if it's still because I can't feel her yet and/or don't have a big 'ole bump? They tell me she's there but it's hard to relate since I haven't experienced her yet other than seeing her on the monitor. I wonder if other first time moms feel that way?
2) I still worry about whether she is ok, is she going to be fully healthy? Have I done what I can?
3) Where am I going to live? Based on how I feel about #4, I don't want to get tied up in buying something, but finding the 'right' rental has proven to be somewhat difficult as well. And when I am not sure what to do, I do nothing. Hence, I am still in my 1 bedroom apartment in my 5th month of pregnancy.
4) It's been tough to focus on my career and have passion/interest for it. This is not new for me.  I had similar feelings awhile back when my mom passed--my whole perspective changed--and took 10 months off to figure out my life.  Since nothing else screamed to me (besides pursing motherhood which clearly I am) I ended up going back to my profession, back in the city I left, and have done it again for about a year.  At first, new company--very exciting. Being back in my city--felt peaceful.  But lately (last few months) my thoughts have wandered again.  Is this really want I want to do?  I know that baby will change how I think as well.  It truly is tough to be in a space of not being content. I have not questioned once my decision to choose the path of motherhood, but I continuously evaluate what I do for my career.  It's been about 10 years that I've been in it, and it may just a factor of ready to do something different. But, I have to say the salary, benefits, etc. is very lucrative and it would be hard to walk away from that. I live a very good life from it.
Still processing what I think about all of this.
5) I worry if some of my feelings are related to depression creeping in.  I have had several lows that I don't normally have.  Thankfully I have bounced back, but they have confused me and worried me. Medication has always been able to keep things working well. But, obviously I've never been pregnant before.  Maybe this is just another facet of pregnancy that is just more complicated for me given my history.  Just not sure.

I think items 1-5 truly occupy most of my mental space. Most every day.  I am thinking it would be good to get an outside opinion so I am going to schedule an appointment w/ my counselor.  I do want to find a new one, but surprise I don't have the energy for that right now.

Overall, I can say without a doubt that I am glad I am on this path to motherhood.  I can also say without a doubt that I was completely unprepared for the physical and emotional toll it would take. But, even w/ all that said, I wouldn't change my mind. I am moving in the direction that is right for me.

It's A.........????

G-I-R-L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Totally surprised as I fully expected a boy. Don't know why, but that's what I kept thinking.  What ended up happening was on Monday at the Dr. appointment, since they didn't have the CVS test to confirm--Dr. said she thought she knew based on the ultrasound. I asked her to go ahead and tell me and she said it looks girl-ish. So, I wanted to wait until the call on Tuesday w/ CVS test results to confirm it was a GIRL. And yes, it was!! It was so sweet the nurse said I can go ahead and buy pink :)

Also, the CVS test for chromosomal abnormalities is completely normal.  Such a sigh of relief. Now, the only other screen they will do is a blood screen in about 3 weeks to check for neural tube. The Dr. didn't seem to be concerned about that at all.

A girl........not going to lie, it made me a bit anxious.  I had gotten my mind around boy. Then I started thinking about girl issues like self-esteem, body image, boys, etc. and I got nervous. I realize all of this is years away, but it's important to me to try and raise a confident girl.  Also, thinking about how the absence of a father might impact her.  I'll have to really work on exposure to positive male role models. I thought there may be books on the subject I can research.

Next check-up after Easter.

Phooey

Awwww man!  I waited and waited and waited for this appointment. Wouldn't you know..they didn't have my CVS results!!!  It's possible that the results are tucked nicely in the Dr.'s office right down hall from my Dr. (the one who actually did the procedure), but they were gone by the time I was in my appointment (5:30pm). And, they couldn't call the lab where the testing was done because they were closed.

SO, they promised to track down where the results are and call me tomorrow. They said that it is okay we haven't heard from them because if there was a problem they typically call right away. Not much else could be done except wait.

I still had the check up blood pressure (good) and ultrasound (good).  The baby totally looks like a baby  now, it is super cute.

And I'm having a........?  The Dr. told me what she thinks it is, but I'm going to wait for confirmation from the CVS before I say.

You'll have to wait!!

P.S. queasiness came back big and bad today right on schedule around 11:30am. Phooey.

Light?

Could I really be seeing it...?  Is it possible?.... I've hesitated putting this in writing in case things change drastically...but I need to celebrate small successes.

I just may have some energy back. It's been so incremental, hardly noticeable. BUT, I actually went to work at the office all 5 days last week (that was my small goal last week).  It has been such a major effort just to get up, shower, get dressed, do hair/makeup...and get to the office.  That wasn't the real reason, though...it's because after going to office every day, I actually went to the bookstore on Saturday.  And WANTED to....for the first time in about 3 months I wanted to do something other than sit on my sofa and vegetate.

Like I said, small successes.  Also, I have noticed the queasiness has let up some. Is it gone, no. BUT, it is much more tolerable than it has been.  I am able to say in hindsight how bad I really did feel, now that it isn't so intense.

I have my followup OB appointment tomorrow where I should find out the results of the CVS testing. I am actually a bit nervous. I don't have a feeling that something is terribly wrong, but you never know.  I can also find out what the baby is....and I think I will.  I want to know the baby is healthy...then what the baby is. Apparently there is still some more testing that needs to be done because CVS doesn't test for neural tube defects. From the paperwork of the CVS, there is a blood test that should be done soon to check for that.
I am going to ask all those questions tomorrow.

I am still not showing. It just looks like I have a gut....and of course second gut above it has grown...and just add on my chest has grown, so yes, I look bigger....but it just looks like I gained weight.

Wish me luck tomorrow. Hopefully good news all way around. For me and baby.

100

If the math is correct in my blog, this would be my 100th post. Who knew?  It has been a great place for me to express my fears, thoughts, and just what's happened on this crazy journey.

Physically: I've grown another stomach above my stomach. And not because the baby is big enough to do this. Oh no....I've gained weight from all of the crap food I've eaten for comfort over last two months. It really has been just over 8 weeks now that I haven't felt well. My chest has also grown. It's time to get a new bra--the underwire in my current one is digging in and very uncomfortable.  I've also not worked out in 2 months minus one 3 mile walk.  I feel the most unfit I've ever been in my whole life. Just weak and so easily winded.
I will say that were I to ever do this again, I would know how important it is to be in tip top shape/low weight before getting pregnant...knowing many things will decline, especially if suffering from morning sickness.
My pants around mid-section are pretty tight...and my second stomach hangs over my waistband...especially when I sit down. Have not had it this bad before and I'm not a huge fan. I know things will only keep getting bigger, though. I am now doing the rubberband closing on my fat pants. Hey boy.

Zofran helped just somewhat. It has a terrible side effect of constipation--almost worse than dealing w/ the nausea. So, I stopped taking it and will hold on to it for emergencies...

Emotionally: Actually better than I've been. I had a pretty low point a few weeks ago...probably during a radio silence day. Wondering what have I done to myself, feeling soooo sick, emotionally exhausted, and just sick of sick. Forcing myself to make it to work, just to get back home and sack it on the sofa until bedtime.  I am sooo thankful I decided to go back on my medication. I can't imagine how I would have coped w/ this w/ out it.  I don't feel hopeless, in fact hopeful for the day I start to feel better.

Still taking it day by day.  I'm starting to think about this baby making it and being more comfortable about it. I get my results of the CVS testing next Monday at my next OB appointment. Hopeful all goes well.

Light

I've been silent again. Just know that means I'm not feeling well and we'll leave it at that.

I had my CVS (chorionic villus sampling) yesterday. The point of this test is that you can do it much earlier than amnio and it checks for chromosomal abnormalities like Down syndrome. They go into your placenta for a sample and send for analysis. You can also tell the gender, but I haven't figured if I want to be told this way, or to see it on the ultrasound later. Results take about two weeks. Not going to lie I was pretty nervous about the test because there is 1/300 chance it could cause miscarriage.

I went in in the morning, waited awhile, then was called back to the Dr.'s room. There are several Dr.'s in one clinic so they have a big waiting room, then each Dr. has their own waiting room.
Anyway, finally was on the table and the Dr. came in. They first have to check and see where your placenta is, upper or lower. Mine was upper--which means they put the needle through your abdomen. Ouch is right.

He numbed up a little area w/ injection, then there is this big long needle he pushed through several layers of my abdomen. Your skin layer, muscle, into uterus, then placenta. He pushed it in very quick, but there was a lot of pressure/pain where it went in. Once in right spot, then they get the sample, make sure it is enough.....then withdraw the needle...done.  All in all, it took only a few minutes. Then they check the baby w/ ultrasound afterwards. Then bed rest for the rest of the day.

So far, the baby tolerated it.

However, they say if you have severe cramping, fluid leaking, etc.. to call them asap. Wouldn't you know I had a bit of both starting this morning into this afternoon.  I thought I should maybe see if it got better, but by 3 o'clock I was really miserable.  I called them and they basically said come right away.

I drove over there straight from work and they got me right in back on the same table.  HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF that the fluid looked good around the baby. That's the big sign things aren't going well--if fluid around the baby is low. He said we should just keep watching and if my symptoms persist or get worse, I need to go back in.

I am now laying on the sofa again. My stomach very bloated/puffy and still crampy.

It was pretty scary driving over to the Dr.'s office wondering if my baby was not okay. I felt quite panicked and anxious to say the least.

I also am at the end of my rope for the sickness. So, I asked the Dr. if they prescribe zofran. She said she would ask my main ob and if so, they will call it in. Simple as that. I know some women it works, some not. But I'm ready for some help, if possible.

I also told my boss about baby today. He was very very supportive and excited (genuinely I think). What I explained was that I chose to do this on my own, I am what's called SMC--single mother by choice, and it took a few tries w/ the Dr., but it finally worked. I told him that I am a bit emotional about it because it has been very complicated so far w/ the blood clot, etc..  I also said I had been planning this for a few years...and my choice to do this came after losing my mom and realizing what I wanted out of this life.
I was still worried about all of the days I've missed (13 so far this year) due to sickness and he just kept brushing it off and saying that this is an exciting thing.
Interestingly enough, he shared w/ me that he and his wife tried several IVF's but were unsuccessful.  They decided to adopt a few years ago. He said he understood how raw, emotional it can be....but he said he probably felt only 10% of what his wife went through. We commiserated about all the shots--he helped his wife w/ them and learned quick you can't do them slow or they hurt.

I wasn't nervous about telling him, and I'm thankful I was talking to someone who could actually empathize.

Oh, this post is called Light because I just am putting out in the universe I'd like to see my light at end of sickness tunnel. That's all.