Light

I've been silent again. Just know that means I'm not feeling well and we'll leave it at that.

I had my CVS (chorionic villus sampling) yesterday. The point of this test is that you can do it much earlier than amnio and it checks for chromosomal abnormalities like Down syndrome. They go into your placenta for a sample and send for analysis. You can also tell the gender, but I haven't figured if I want to be told this way, or to see it on the ultrasound later. Results take about two weeks. Not going to lie I was pretty nervous about the test because there is 1/300 chance it could cause miscarriage.

I went in in the morning, waited awhile, then was called back to the Dr.'s room. There are several Dr.'s in one clinic so they have a big waiting room, then each Dr. has their own waiting room.
Anyway, finally was on the table and the Dr. came in. They first have to check and see where your placenta is, upper or lower. Mine was upper--which means they put the needle through your abdomen. Ouch is right.

He numbed up a little area w/ injection, then there is this big long needle he pushed through several layers of my abdomen. Your skin layer, muscle, into uterus, then placenta. He pushed it in very quick, but there was a lot of pressure/pain where it went in. Once in right spot, then they get the sample, make sure it is enough.....then withdraw the needle...done.  All in all, it took only a few minutes. Then they check the baby w/ ultrasound afterwards. Then bed rest for the rest of the day.

So far, the baby tolerated it.

However, they say if you have severe cramping, fluid leaking, etc.. to call them asap. Wouldn't you know I had a bit of both starting this morning into this afternoon.  I thought I should maybe see if it got better, but by 3 o'clock I was really miserable.  I called them and they basically said come right away.

I drove over there straight from work and they got me right in back on the same table.  HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF that the fluid looked good around the baby. That's the big sign things aren't going well--if fluid around the baby is low. He said we should just keep watching and if my symptoms persist or get worse, I need to go back in.

I am now laying on the sofa again. My stomach very bloated/puffy and still crampy.

It was pretty scary driving over to the Dr.'s office wondering if my baby was not okay. I felt quite panicked and anxious to say the least.

I also am at the end of my rope for the sickness. So, I asked the Dr. if they prescribe zofran. She said she would ask my main ob and if so, they will call it in. Simple as that. I know some women it works, some not. But I'm ready for some help, if possible.

I also told my boss about baby today. He was very very supportive and excited (genuinely I think). What I explained was that I chose to do this on my own, I am what's called SMC--single mother by choice, and it took a few tries w/ the Dr., but it finally worked. I told him that I am a bit emotional about it because it has been very complicated so far w/ the blood clot, etc..  I also said I had been planning this for a few years...and my choice to do this came after losing my mom and realizing what I wanted out of this life.
I was still worried about all of the days I've missed (13 so far this year) due to sickness and he just kept brushing it off and saying that this is an exciting thing.
Interestingly enough, he shared w/ me that he and his wife tried several IVF's but were unsuccessful.  They decided to adopt a few years ago. He said he understood how raw, emotional it can be....but he said he probably felt only 10% of what his wife went through. We commiserated about all the shots--he helped his wife w/ them and learned quick you can't do them slow or they hurt.

I wasn't nervous about telling him, and I'm thankful I was talking to someone who could actually empathize.

Oh, this post is called Light because I just am putting out in the universe I'd like to see my light at end of sickness tunnel. That's all.

Sick of Sick

I've had it folks.  I am so sick of being sick.  This is the 7th week of having afternoon to evening baby sickness. Then, on top of that last night I had a bit of a headache...and tossed and turned all night long.  This morning I woke up and it was 10 times worse...w/ a pounding in my head. I rarely have headaches so this took me by surprise.  I was going to force myself to go to work but I just couldn't. I laid on my bed and just felt terrible.
So, I've spent the day at home. Went back to sleep until 11:30 and made my way to the couch. I am still plugged into work w/ my work I-phone and did a few emails, but concentrating is tough.

I made it to my 12 week yesterday and am soooo hopeful that I start to feel better soon. I haven't worked out in two months.  My uterus must also be growing because I am having a lot of cramping type feelings over last few days.

What made me feel a little better was internet searching for sickness/12 weeks.  There are many many women out there during this time in pregnancy at the end of their rope....some w/ desperation...for this baby sickness to ease up. It made me feel a bit more normal that it's okay to be tired of being sick. It's okay that I'm so irritated that I feel like crap! It's okay that I'm SICK OF IT! Other people do too.....ahhhh, that's good to read.

My sister called me to check in. She's going through some stuff w/ changing her medication and it's going to be tough on her. But, she called to say that she knows she hasn't really been there for me and she feels bad about it.  I have mixed emotions about this. On one hand I appreciate she acknowledges and gets the fact that she hasn't...but on the other hand I feel irritation and disappointment because this is no different than any other time....and frankly just what I expected. She's never really been there for me in times of trouble or crisis...I lean on my friends. My question would be, if she feels that way, then just change it. Be there for me then.

Overall this has been a tough time.  And I have a friend who says I need to focus on the positive. I don't disagree.
I will say that this blog is meant to share where I am struggling, so that's what I'm doing.  You'll notice my blogs have been less frequent.  I think it's because I would keep saying the same thing.

I can only just hope it gets better.  Soon.

Singleness

Today I had my first OB appointment.  Let's just say it was a tough day. Not necessarily because of them, just the circumstances.

First, I watched a baby story today on the learning channel. Don't do that.  Everyone has such a supportive husband, parents, in-laws, sisters, people from their childhood....I was ticking it off in my head...husband, nope. In laws-nope. Childhood friend-nope. Grandparents--nope. Now, I do have amazing friends--I am not taking away from that. But, there is something to be said for a network of family/relatives.

Then, I got to my appointment and almost everyone was coupled up. Husbands, mothers, etc..a pregnant woman was not feeling well so her feet were up on her partner's lap.  Hindsight it would have been good to have someone go to this appointment w/ me. I was quite nervous and felt very single.

Once I got back to the Dr.'s area, the nurse took me in and we went over my whole history.  I found out that I am a carrier of the MTHFR gene.  This means I am at a greater risk for miscarriage and having a stillborn. Great. The way it's treated is to take a bunch of folic acid and baby aspirin. Can't do baby aspirin because of the DVT (deep vein thrombosis) and the meds I am on for that, but will take the folic.

So thus far I have suffered from asthma, respiratory infection, fever, DVT (hospitalization), depression, morning sickness (but afternoon to evening for me), unexplained chest pain, and now I have a crazy gene.
I almost started crying today in the nurses office. I KNEW this wasn't going to be easy, but how in the world could I have prepared for all of this? It makes me a little angry.

The other reason the appointment was tough was I think they don't get too many SMC women through there.  When the nurse was first going through my history, she asked me if I had a husband--no. Partner--no. Girlfriend--no. Family around--no. Sound familiar????? Didn't I just go through this this morning??  She seemed a little flustered/taken aback, don't know....then she said "Well, who was going to help me?"  I said I have really great friends.

She must have said something to the Dr., because when the Dr. came in, she introduced herself and the first question she asked was what did my support system look like? Ummm...I have really good friends.  She acknowledged I've had a rough start to this pregnancy and asked if I went on bedrest, who would take care of me?

I don't know. Pow....right to the gut.  I don't...know.

So, all of this to say that this has been a very emotional day. I really felt the effects of being single--full force. And not having my mom here.....or a friend that's going through something similar, or a single parent, or stay at home parent...it felt just.....sad and lonely.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day.  I am close to reaching end of first trimester--measured 11 weeks 1 day today. I did see baby moving and kicking--bouncing off my uterus actually.
Maybe I'll start feeling better soon.

Whew

A few good things to report.

1) My fasting blood sugar was in normal range.  Oh em G. Thank goodness. It was 87 and the normal range was 70 something to 99.  I think someone commented that they were really thirsty during pregnancy and I guess I am too!  I really really didn't want another health issue that could impact this baby. Got enough already.

2) My house is sold and closing tomorrow.  It kind of came down to the wire with timing, and even as of this morning the closing was moving to next week.  So, if I can sign on the dotted line, one less thing to worry about. Yippee Kay Yay....well, except where am I going to live now?  Since I don't know, I have no plans to leave this apartment. There is nothing on the market in the area I want to live, and who knows... maybe I don't want to buy anything right now.  The only thing I struggle w/ is that rent is as much as a mortgage payment, if not more.

3) My new high risk OB office called and they were able to switch me to the Dr. I preferred over the one my IVF assigned me AND were able to squeeze me in 2 weeks earlier than they originally thought. Apparently I am going to a very good clinic because two of the Dr.'s don't even take written referrals from other Dr.'s, only telephone referrals. Okay then.  They are going to do a full work up, then I will most likely get some testing for the baby before 13 weeks. As of this Friday I will be 10 weeks. The OB I am going to still has some mixed reviews online from patients i.e. she is very short, to the point, bedside manor rough....but I will have to see for myself next week. My appointment on Wednesday next week.

4) Got a good review from my new boss (was annual performance time).  I got a good raise, even though I haven't been there an entire year yet.  I was expecting not much, if anything, because they easily could have said I am too new, just got there, etc.. And the boss said he got good feedback from those I work around. I'll take it.  We'll see if his attitude changes when I say Suprise! am going to be out for at least 3 months :)

RunningMan

Since my last several weeks of posts haven't been so positive, thought I would focus on why I am doing this in the first place i.e. to have a healthy baby brought into my life.  And minus all of the sickness, panic, and fear that I have been in......the baby continues to grow.  Amazingly.  I went this past Friday to the IVF Dr. and it was my last appointment w/ him.  They did an ultrasound and believe it or not I could see the baby moving its arm and leg buds. RunningMan style.  That almost brought me to tears.....I said out loud, "Is it moving? Is it really moving?". The Dr. and his assistant both smiled and said, "It sure is". That was a great moment. The Dr. also tried to get a 3-D picture of the baby, but the baby was too close to the side of uterus and they couldn't get a good view.  I was fine, since the big hurdle was crossed i.e. heartbeat strong.

I got another ultrasound picture and it really is starting to look like a baby:

Symptoms:  Still feeling queasy starting around 11:30-12pm until I go to bed. Around lunch time at work it just comes on and I have to power through it until the end of the day w/ a smile on my face.  My chest is still sore, but not as much since I've stopped the progesterone in oil shots. I stopped them a bit early, but w/ the big lumps I had in my backside, and starting up new shots for the blood clot, I said to heck w/ it.  I have had some heartburn, but that was happening prior to this baby.  Sleeping not too bad.  Relative to the shots for blood clot, unfortunately I am getting chest pains, which are not normal.  I've talked to the family Dr. who sent me to get the ultrasound, and I need go back in next week for followup. They will most likely do a chest x-ray, if not an echocardiogram.  Still have been super duper thirsty so I did go to the free glucose screening today and should have results on Monday.

Emotionally: Let's just say this needs work.  They've been mixed and I worry about the depression. I've had a heck of a scary start to this pregnancy--and w/ the sickness I just want to lay on the sofa. I haven't had the desire to do much of anything. My dishes are piled up again, I need to clean and vacuum. I even have to force myself to empty out the cat sand box (w/ gloves) when its stinky.  So is it depression or just a normal response to this stage? Not sure. I have increased my medication back to my original dose. Only for last two days so will see how I respond.

The hardest part right now is I really really don't want to go to work.  It is a challenge to get myself there everyday. I am not interested in what I am doing, I'm not really invested in it right now.  It's important to keep strong w/ work for multiple of reasons 1) income 2) insurance 3) need something to keep me going.  If I didn't have a job right now THAT would be a recipe for depression to kick in overtime....it may be peeking its head in already.

I want to put something out here that keeps popping up for me.....I am still having a hard time believing I will end up w/ a child out of this.  A time ago I thought I wouldn't end up w/ kids (irrational, no data to back it up).  This thought has stuck w/ me....even though this baby continues to grow and appears healthy at 9 weeks along. In reality, it's possible that this baby won't make it to the end of pregnancy, and that is such a dark way to think about this.....but the thoughts are there.....and that's what this blog is about.  I just wonder if other people worry that may the baby won't make it, OR something will happen to them before they can experience this joy? I worry that something will happen to me or the baby before the end of this.......that is my biggest fear.
Is that crazy to think like this? 
Have any others felt this way? 

It's funny because I feel embarrassed by these thoughts. Like there is something wrong w/ me for 'going there' during this time.  I guess because I feel like this should be such a joyful, happy experience, and mine has been far from that so far.  "Should" can really be a derailer to just accepting how I feel at the moment and move on. Perhaps its time to start looking for a counselor again so I can bounce these thoughts off of someone and have them reassure me that I am just fine and normal.  At least that's what I'd like to hear.

Soon

I am hopeful that I start to feel better soon.  The thing is now.....I just don't.  I do think baby sickness has gotten me because it is a queasiness that comes and goes. Thankfully not so much that I feel like I need to vomit, but just enough for me to feel like I have a low grade flu most of the time.

I ended up not finding a place to get my blood sugar checked on Saturday. I take that back, I found a place...but I would have needed to go before I took my cat to the vet in the am. I set my alarm, but when it went off I just didn't feel like doing it. So I didn't. I figured I'll just get it checked when I go to the Dr. this upcoming Friday. Talk about not motivated....even for this.

It's been tough...not going to lie....because I imagine myself feeling like this w/ a child here. Hard to fathom. I can barely take care of myself.  Even just walking around the mall w/ a friend of mine today was tiresome. I didn't feel great, tried some clothes on (nothing fit me well) and was pretty ready to go after that.

Stressful thinking about how I will manage.  Because right now I don't want to do anything. Not really go to work, not cook, not clean.....really just be on the sofa. But, I have to get it together because I have a work trip that I have to fly to this week, overnight, w/ a dinner included. I better get some energy somewhere or people will start asking questions.  I at least booked myself a flight in the afternoon so I can get there, rest, then go for the dinner.

I am in my 9th week now and have been reading a lot of the websites for what baby is doing, what development is happening...it really is pretty cool.

Oh yah, contract on my house fell through this past Thursday, but we got another one on Friday. It is 1500 bucks less, so I said whatever...it's worth it to dump the house and not worry about a whole house renovation.

Crap

I haven't written much this week because it hasn't been such a good one.  I am still recovering from my last few weeks of being sick....physically, emotionally still have a ways to go. 

I am at the stage where I am wondering, 'What am I doing?' and 'What have I done?'.  I've had a couple doozy set backs already and am worried about  more. As an example, I have been so excessively thirsty these past several days that I can't believe it. I was trying to fold laundry the other day and I got this overwhelming 'I'm thirsty' I literally had to stop what I was doing to get some water. I am drinking so much water every day as it is......I know this can be a sign of gestational diabetes. I called the nurse today and she recommended I get my fasting blood sugar taken this weekend if possible. If it's over 120 fasting, we've got a problem. 
Great. Add it to the list.

And, since I haven't been feeling well in general, I certainly haven't been eating salads. I've been eating a lot of carbs and more carbs. That's all that sounds good. And eating out almost all the time because I don't want to cook one thing. Nothing. 

Let me just put this out there: I want to feel healthy and strong again! I'll even take not having loads of energy (my before normal state) to this. Because I have been sick I haven't worked out for almost a month. It makes me feel like a big fat balloon, not to mention I am really bloated most of the time. Add to it, I've gotten the queasies from mid afternoon until early evening.

Emotionally: When I went to visit my psychiatrist we decided to stick w/ the low dose of med and see what other Dr.'s say. Since then, about 3 days ago, I decided to up my medicine myself. I rationalized that since I was feeling so crappy physically, I just didn't want to feel that crappy emotionally. Well, one thing I forgot whenever you adjust meds is that it takes time....and you feel worse before you feel better. I have had mild headaches and really blah all over. My plan--I'll just keep same dose and see how goes in next few days.

Sometimes I say this when I am kidding, but I am not now....I am sick of it!!  I feel like crap in my body and mind, I look like crap because I am gaining weight. My chest hurts, nothing fits, and I don't like much.

How's all this for a happy Friday. 

Just not sure what to do about all of it.  How I am managing now is to barely get myself to work and come home and lay on this sofa.