RunningMan

Since my last several weeks of posts haven't been so positive, thought I would focus on why I am doing this in the first place i.e. to have a healthy baby brought into my life.  And minus all of the sickness, panic, and fear that I have been in......the baby continues to grow.  Amazingly.  I went this past Friday to the IVF Dr. and it was my last appointment w/ him.  They did an ultrasound and believe it or not I could see the baby moving its arm and leg buds. RunningMan style.  That almost brought me to tears.....I said out loud, "Is it moving? Is it really moving?". The Dr. and his assistant both smiled and said, "It sure is". That was a great moment. The Dr. also tried to get a 3-D picture of the baby, but the baby was too close to the side of uterus and they couldn't get a good view.  I was fine, since the big hurdle was crossed i.e. heartbeat strong.

I got another ultrasound picture and it really is starting to look like a baby:

Symptoms:  Still feeling queasy starting around 11:30-12pm until I go to bed. Around lunch time at work it just comes on and I have to power through it until the end of the day w/ a smile on my face.  My chest is still sore, but not as much since I've stopped the progesterone in oil shots. I stopped them a bit early, but w/ the big lumps I had in my backside, and starting up new shots for the blood clot, I said to heck w/ it.  I have had some heartburn, but that was happening prior to this baby.  Sleeping not too bad.  Relative to the shots for blood clot, unfortunately I am getting chest pains, which are not normal.  I've talked to the family Dr. who sent me to get the ultrasound, and I need go back in next week for followup. They will most likely do a chest x-ray, if not an echocardiogram.  Still have been super duper thirsty so I did go to the free glucose screening today and should have results on Monday.

Emotionally: Let's just say this needs work.  They've been mixed and I worry about the depression. I've had a heck of a scary start to this pregnancy--and w/ the sickness I just want to lay on the sofa. I haven't had the desire to do much of anything. My dishes are piled up again, I need to clean and vacuum. I even have to force myself to empty out the cat sand box (w/ gloves) when its stinky.  So is it depression or just a normal response to this stage? Not sure. I have increased my medication back to my original dose. Only for last two days so will see how I respond.

The hardest part right now is I really really don't want to go to work.  It is a challenge to get myself there everyday. I am not interested in what I am doing, I'm not really invested in it right now.  It's important to keep strong w/ work for multiple of reasons 1) income 2) insurance 3) need something to keep me going.  If I didn't have a job right now THAT would be a recipe for depression to kick in overtime....it may be peeking its head in already.

I want to put something out here that keeps popping up for me.....I am still having a hard time believing I will end up w/ a child out of this.  A time ago I thought I wouldn't end up w/ kids (irrational, no data to back it up).  This thought has stuck w/ me....even though this baby continues to grow and appears healthy at 9 weeks along. In reality, it's possible that this baby won't make it to the end of pregnancy, and that is such a dark way to think about this.....but the thoughts are there.....and that's what this blog is about.  I just wonder if other people worry that may the baby won't make it, OR something will happen to them before they can experience this joy? I worry that something will happen to me or the baby before the end of this.......that is my biggest fear.
Is that crazy to think like this? 
Have any others felt this way? 

It's funny because I feel embarrassed by these thoughts. Like there is something wrong w/ me for 'going there' during this time.  I guess because I feel like this should be such a joyful, happy experience, and mine has been far from that so far.  "Should" can really be a derailer to just accepting how I feel at the moment and move on. Perhaps its time to start looking for a counselor again so I can bounce these thoughts off of someone and have them reassure me that I am just fine and normal.  At least that's what I'd like to hear.