So sweet

Just what I needed tonight....after a long work week.

My son was quite fussy this evening...I think due to still randomly waking up too early, like 6:00am even though his clock turns yellow and he can get up at 6:40am. It seems that after these last three weeks of allergies and coughing/sick he’s out of sync again. So, when he gets up too early he’s been pretty whiny, crying, and just tired.

Tonight he wanted shower instead of bath, so fine. When he was done he raced out of the bathroom to ‘hide’. One of his favorite things to do.

Then he started getting dressed and as he’s sitting in front of me he just pauses, looks at me, and says:”Mommy you are so beautiful”. I said thank you, gave him a kiss....then he says “just like a rainbow”.  I gave him more hugs and kisses. Then he says, “a hundred rainbows”.

My heart just melted. So darn sweet.

And throughout all that my girl sat quietly watching shows with no fuss herself.

What started out a tough evening simply turned into a great one.
These moments are the best.

Thinking

I’ve had some time to reflect post my transfer not working and it’s been challenging.  On one hand, I feel confident that I did the right thing by giving it a shot, one the other hand, it didn’t work and there’s a lot of thoughts tied up in that. The time, effort, money, hope, resulted in nothing.

And….the hardest part is, I thought I would feel a sense of relief that I was ‘done’…one way or the other.  And that feeling just hasn’t come. I’m just not at peace yet about it all.

 

I did have my follow up with the physician and much as I expected, he didn’t have a reason as to why it didn’t work. He genuinely said he was sorry, sometimes they just don’t work even if everything was lined out right.  We did talk about the fact that we didn’t know whether the embryos were ‘normal’ since they weren’t tested, and he did say he had a bit of trouble with the transfer—but honestly, science and technology can only take you so far.  My biggest question for him was—if I just wanted to explore further with my own eggs, am I too old?  Frankly, I was preparing myself for him to say that yes, my time was up and I was too old—especially after all of the reading I have done. However, surprisingly that’s not what he said. He said it’s possible, and would depend on a few tests, one of those being AMH and the other an ovary ultrasound, I think.

I left that appointment feeling a level of hope, but not really sure about wanting to pursue and ‘start over’.  There are way more hurdles now than 5 years ago, but I told myself it can’t hurt to just do the blood test that day and just see what the data tells us.

 

This is where I get a bit frustrated w/ the Dr.’s office. I had the test Friday April 12. The following Friday, the 19^th I got an email from the IVF coordinator asking about whether I was interested in additional IVF and to let her know. I responded back that the Dr. and I had discussed options but I was waiting for the AMH test he ordered to come back, and the Dr. could advise from there.  Like, do these folks communicate with each other? I know that they have a lot of patients, but after a failed cycle, you would think they would be proactive to make sure they have the most up to date information. It just put me off a bit---not even acknowledging the failed cycle…but asking hey, ready for more? AND, without even checking with the Dr first even after knowing I had a follow up consult with him. It just feels disappointing and very impersonal.

The reality is if I didn’t have such a long history with this office, I’m not sure I would be as forgiving. But, the Dr. is a specialist, he knows my entire medical history, I’ve been seeing him since 2006, and I have confidence in him as a doctor.  It’s not him….it’s his support staff that’s been a journey. For awhile there, the front office people were terrible, now it’s perhaps the coordinators.

 

Aside from all that, I had been logging into the portal daily to see if the lab results were up. The Dr. said that if the amh was less than 1.0 that wouldn’t be great and if it was close to zero, like 0.3 or something, it wouldn’t be good at all.  I had no idea what to expect, but my test came back today at 1.41. The coordinator sent an email saying that the Dr. would move forward w/ that result and would recommend doing 2 rounds of retrieval with embryo testing. The coordinator said I could talk to his other IVF Dr. about what process we would use….if I’m not mistaken, it’s more of a mini ivf of sorts where they try to get fewer, but quality eggs.

 

In a way, this all would have been easier if the Dr. said I was too old.  Some days, I feel old. I’m certainly not in the best shape and without a doubt that would need to change if I wanted to pursue this. It’s kind of a now or…..it’s not ever.  This has been the real struggle for me. While waiting on the test results I’ve continued to think through if I really want to do this, put my mind and body through it, do I have the energy for it, dealing with the hormones, etc.. with of course a possibility of the same outcome I just had. I feel a level of anxiety about it.  It feels like such a bigger decision than even moving forward w/ the embryo transfer I already had. Part of me is leaning towards just getting as much information as I can such as: cost, protocol. Timeline, etc.. then make a decision.

 

Parenting is dang hard at times…..but, it’s in my soul what I want to be doing with my life. I’ve had a great career and it’s what supports our life, but that isn’t my focus and hasn’t been for awhile. I’m certain with my two children we will have lots of great experiences/challenges, and it’s a matter of how far I want to or will go to see if adding to our family is possible.  I don’t have an answer to that just yet.

11 days pa.st Tra.nsfer and.........

Well.....no drum roll this time.....it did not work.  I did the beta at the Dr office this morning.  What I didn't share on here because I wanted to try and stay as neutral as possible and just felt like keeping it to myself was that I did home tests on day 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 past transfer.  All negative.  So, I was prepped for the call this afternoon.  There was a very small piece of me that was holding out for the final confirmation because of all the crazy stories you can read about people getting positives 10+ days after transfer.
I now understand the difference in tests, however. I could never understand why people would torture themselves with the tests that have two lines, kinda, maybe, was it there a little...test. I've always thought in the past it seems much simpler to use the ones that say yes or no, right?
Well, naïve self, that's because during all my fertility treatments I've never had a negative test before. So, after staring down the digital read that said no, I researched and learned quickly that people use the line testers because they are more sensitive and can 'read' hcg at lower levels, thus why I did the same thing myself and bought ones that would show a line, maybe...sooner.


I think I'm still processing all of this. I kinda just thought since my labs were great, lining was great, hormone levels were great, and embryos were good quality and one was even hatching that this would just work.  Honestly I think we gave them the best shot we/I could. This is where sometimes, it's just not in our hands and truly out of anyone's control.
The one thing I did not do was have them tested to see if they were "normal" embryos....my approach was let's see if it works first, then I would test later. I didn't test any embryos throughout my processes.


I'm supposed to have a followup with the Dr. next week to go over everything, which I will for sure go to....I suspect, though, that there won't really be a conclusive answer. They just didn't take.


Thankfully, I'm not feeling devastated because I have truly been blessed....and I now have an even greater appreciation for the fact that other than the one IVF cycle where I didn't get eggs, everything worked out the way it was supposed to.  So many people struggle and I just never had any insight into it. I can't even imagine going through this cycle after cycle and not being successful. Not to mention all the money, crazy medication, the commitment to take said medication for what seems like all day every day.....just the whole process.  Upon reflection it was a lot. I don't feel like an embryo transfer was any 'easier' than going through the whole IVF cycle.


I'm not sure what now....I truly was envisioning a family of four and in my mind it was a boy. Strange how you can get so far ahead, huh? I do have a small confession, though, that when one of the tests was negative I did feel a small hint of relief. I'm sure it was a day when I was tired from major lack of sleeping and not feeling good. While I had been hopeful throughout, I had also been thinking through the all sorts of crazy it would be with three and I would need to dig deep. It's confusing me because where I'm struggling a bit is the "finality" part of all this. I have no more embryos with 38 year old eggs. I'm 44 now.   I suspect what I am working through is maybe normal?  I (maybe naively) thought that if this process didn't work I'd be fine because I had given my remaining embryos a chance at life. That's the most I could do.  I just don't feel as settled as I thought I would.


In closing, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I absolutely do understand how fortunate I am to be a mother of two. I think I worry that someone reading this might think otherwise...especially those who have really struggled.  I think everyone's story/journey is personal and for me, already being a mother didn't negate my hope for this one as well.

6 days pa.st Tra.nsfer

So yesterday and today I’ve had some really bad cramping. I have to say they feel very much like bad AF cramps. I’ve also had some small breakouts on my face, my chest is still sore, however, that ramped up with the additional progesterone. I also feel super bloated. Clearly a lot of symptoms that happen on a monthly basis. I’m trying my best to stay neutral/keep an open mind, etc but it’s been hard. I don’t want to write any hard statements as I just don’t want something black and white in the universe....so I won’t.
I’ve been researching like a fool testing, symptoms, how many Days Pa.st Tran.sfer does everything happen. I’ve had plenty of time to do that because even though I hadn’t had a drop of caffeine since last Friday (until a small bit this afternoon), I have slept terribly. Can’t get to sleep until 1-2 am. Wake up every hour until kids come in around 6:30-6:45am. I’m feeling the effects of that tonight.
I’ve been also researching how early a blood test can be done and since I didn’t have a trigger shot it seems they could maybe test me sooner. I might at least ask if that’s possible.

A nice surprise when I came home late tonight is both kids ran outside even! to greet me. Both of them giving me hugs and saying how much they missed me. Nanny told me my son was counting down the minutes until I got there. If I knew how much love I would get for being really late...might have to do it more often. Ha!
It just felt so nice...so that’s what I will focus on.

3 days pa.st Tra.nsfer

I'm just not sure on this one. I really am not sure.  I've felt some aches/pulling here and there but it has been very infrequent and not very intense or strong. My chest has become pretty tender, however, I've totally upped my progesterone, so I'm not sure on that one either. In the mornings, especially, I feel pretty much nothing. It's hard to not allow yourself to make conclusions too early because as they all say, "you never know", but my mind has been wondering. I'm trying to not focus too much, but c'mon....who doesn't want to know what's going on there, right?!
I've looked back through my old posts from both my daughter and my son to see what I felt and when. For my daughter we did a 3 day fresh transfer and I had symptoms pretty much right away....chest extremely tender that it hurt to change my clothes, regular cramping, noted one really strong twinge 4 days past transfer. I tested for the first time 7 days past the fresh transfer and got a positive. For my son we did a frozen transfer with 5 day. 1 day past transfer I felt some twinges in my lower left part of uterus and it had a 'fullness' feeling. I noted that I felt normal and good. I mentioned I had a lot of twingy crampy zingers the first few days, but after 4 days I didn't feel a whole lot and not much seemed different. My chest wasn't unusually sore although I thought I noticed some blue veining, but wasn't sure. I ended up testing 5 days past the 5 day transfer and got the positive. Apparently the timer took awhile.


So, all that to say.....I just need to wait some more.
Ugh.

1 Day pa.st Tra.nsfer

Well folks, transfer = check!  Overall the day yesterday went about as smoothly as it could have, I think. So after finally sorting out what I was going to do about childcare, I was able to breathe a big sigh of relief. I was certainly worried about trying to make sure all of that was sorted in a way that wouldn't create more stress for me.


The day started with me getting to sleep in (well still woke up at 6:00 something), but didn't have to get up to be anywhere early. I took my time packing my bag, a cooler to take some drinks and healthy foods like cucumber, nuts, fruit, yogurt, almond milk etc., and all of my extras like my whole bag of fertility medication and calendar. I took a shower and was finally ready around 11:00am. Before heading out I left each of my kids a personal note saying that I loved them and I would see them soon. I left my daughter's on her bed and my son's on his chair in his room. ( I found out today that they didn't find my son's boo hoo) . Anyway, I decided that I should stop by my hotel since it was on the way because I wanted to see what I could do with all of my stuff i.e. since we aren't supposed to lift anything over 10lbs after transfer.  I wasn't sure if they would let me check in early or at least leave my bags there, or something.  The girl at check in could not have been nicer, she looked me up in the system and actually offered me an upgraded room so I could check in early. I am at an embass.y sui.tes and it is new and super nice. I told her I was interested in quiet so she put in me in a corner room...well actually rooms, because it's a separate bedroom and living room. For some reason making sure my laptop was locked up was on my mind, so the fact that I could do that made me feel so much better. I brought everything up, set up shop, then headed over to my appointment.


I was a few minutes late after 11:30am, but I didn't worry too much because they are almost always behind. And yesterday was no exception. I sat in the reception area and tried to key into how I was feeling. And the best way I can describe was just....calm. I felt so at peace with what I was doing and where I was at with this process. I was a bit anxious/worried about what would happen when the embryos thawed, etc. but other than that I just felt good. The nurse's name is Alex (she's been there for all of my fertility processes and procedures) and she finally called me back.
She asked about my bladder and I told her I has been drinking quite a bit, so she said to just take the val.ium and stop drinking. As she took me in the changing room she said, "So we are transferring two?"....I said I think so and asked if she knew how the thaw went and what we had. She said we had two really good embryos!! At that moment excitement coursed through me like I haven't felt in a very long time. Like little kid going to a theme park excited. I was thinking that they had thawed two and I still had one they were holding.
Here I am at the changing room....

 

I couldn't help myself but to take some pictures. I put on gown, hairnet, booties, and made my way into the procedure gurney area. There are 3 beds in the there, however I was the only one. I asked Alex why it was so quiet and she said it wasn't like that in the morning and I was the first of the afternoon. She and I talked a bit and I shared with her that my girl was 6 and my son was 4 already. She couldn't believe it since she was around when they came to be! I also shared that I was back again because I just didn't feel like I could leave my embryos behind. Even though I know it will about to be crazy if all works as I am a single choice mom, I just felt like it was the right thing to do. She really identified with what I was saying. She actually shared with me that she's been a single mom since her daughter was 4 and she's 22 now. She also said that she has 4 kids, is a grandma already, and still has 3 of her own embryos frozen.  She said she can't bring her herself to do anything with them....so yeah, she really understood.

Since I had taken the val.ium I was very relaxed and felt fine waiting for everything to get started. Then, the embryologist came in and gave me a print out of the two embryos they will be transferring. She said they were B quality and the third one was less. I said wait a minute, they thawed all three? She said yes, Dr. told them to thaw all three and use the best two.  I guess I had misunderstood the nurse earlier as I didn't realize they had thawed all three.  It hit me that this was it.  This was the end of the journey no matter which way it was going to go. I asked about that third one and she said that the cells were a bit disorganized and leaving it in to transfer would not really help. I asked if they refreeze it? and she said no, it wasn't the right quality.  Basically, it was just the two of the three.  I can say that my heart sank a little bit.  For about 20 minutes I had the idea that if this transfer didn't work I would have one last chance....and then I learned that I don't.  It kind of upped the ante for me on this process.

She gave me the pieces of paper, one was the summary of what they thawed and that I have no remaining embryos in storage and the other was the picture of the two they were going to transfer.

After she left I looked more closely at the pictures and kissed each one of them. And teared up a bit.

In my mind I just said...."let's do this".

Dr. came in and asked how everything was going and how did my stomach issues pan out? I told him I got it checked out but they didn't find anything significant, so that was good. Then he asked if I had gotten the lov.enox blood thinner that I took all of my pregnancy both times due to the blood clot in my first pregnancy...I said yes, I had gotten that too. I didn't actually bring it to my hotel and I was thinking I wasn't going to start it until I got a positive pregnancy, but I will follow instructions and take it tomorrow.

Somewhere in all this another couple was back in the gurney area in the bed next to mine. We are only partitioned by a curtain so can hear a lot. However, they weren't talking much and it really was just nice to relax and wait for them to come get me.

It was finally go time and Alex came to get me and we walked into the other procedure room. I laid on the table, scooched myself down and tried to stay as relaxed as possible. The Dr. was trying to use one of the tools (a speculum maybe?) and he just couldn't get it to do what he wanted so they tried another one...and maybe even a third I'm not sure. Finally they got it. It was uncomfortable, for sure, but not painful.  Then Alex was using an ultrasound on top of my uterus so they could find the exact spot where they wanted to transfer. I was watching the ultrasound screen (not really sure what I was seeing) and she kept pressing in different areas. Pretty hard, I might add....but tolerable. They were trying to put the tube/catheter?in place and he was needing to work at that too. Apparently there was a curve that he was trying to follow around.  I could definitely them weaving around to where it was supposed to go.  In the meantime they put my name and my two embryos up on a big screen on the wall. They asked if that was my name, I said yes. Then I noticed one of the embryos looked a bit wonky and wonders of all wonder they said one of the embryos was hatching out of it's shell!! It was just so exciting to see and they all said that was very good.

Once everything was all in place Dr. said we are good, and I then saw on the screen a needle? suck up the two embryos and then they were handed to the Dr..  He put them in the specific spot they had marked on the ultrasound screen, and that was it.  Alex leaned over to show me a white line...which were my newly implanted embryos. Both of them said this was 'a good transfer'.

All of that took maybe 10 minutes total. That was it.  Once he was done I scooted over to another gurney and they wheeled me back to where I started. Alex told me to go ahead and lay there for about 20-30 minutes.  I was so relaxed I think I maybe feel asleep a time or two. And just like that she came back and said I was done. I said I hope I wasn't snoring!  She laughed and said after a certain age we all snore....and that I could get dressed and head out.  No lifting over 10 lbs, no working out, no caffeine....and blood test in two weeks.

Now that the transfer was done I decided I was hungry and drove to one of my favorite greek places right close the Dr.'s office. I was debating whether I should just go back to the hotel and rest some more like I did after my last transfer with my son OR would it be okay to sit up in there for a bit.  They told me I did not have strict bedrest and to go about my day as usual (following the rules of course), but for some reason my anxiety kicked in and I was like....what if me sitting here affects the implantation? What if because I didn't go straight back to hotel I somehow messed it up?  Your mind can do crazy things during this process and I finally just said relax, go eat.
Then I headed back to the hotel, took a nap,  and watched a lot of march madness basketball in my nice, relaxing hotel room. I ate a lot of the food I brought for dinner and just hung out.
I did check on the kids with nanny and ended up calling her daughter because I had forgotten to tell them to make sure they give my son his zy.rtec. If he doesn't get his dose at night, he ends up sneezing/coughing most of the night. It's been really bad for him this year. He just touches his eye with a bit of pollen and they almost swell shut. I talked to the kids a bit and it was just so great hearing their high-pitched voices over the phone.  I told both of them I loved them and would see them soon. My son was asking when I was coming back and where was I, etc.. The conversation was short, I guess her daughter decided they were done!
When nanny got home I was that paranoid mom and asked her to have her daughter show her what she gave my son for the medicine. I was worried she wouldn't do it right. But, it was fine.  Both kids were sleeping when nanny texted she got home.


In terms of symptoms, how I felt, etc...I would say I felt some twingy-ing, some pulling. Off and on from coming back to the Dr.'s office into the evening.


That was all yesterday and now today....I woke up early again! around 7 something. As I laid here I wanted to tune into how I was physically feeling.  Interestingly enough, I felt absolutely nothing. Like I felt no twingy-ness, no pulling.....everything was just quiet in my body.
Of course the worry set in and I started goo.gling symptoms after f.e.t, no symptoms, etc. and there's just too much mixed info out there. The one thing most things say is don't over analyze. It's one thing to say, another to do. I even looked at what happened last time around and it seemed I did have some feelings the first few days after transfer, but also wasn't sure even then if all was ok. And we know that did turn out. I'm just going to have to relax and hope.


I took a shower early and headed downstairs to the continental breakfast which was probably the best one I've ever been to that was included in the room rate. I actually even booked this hotel with points I earned from all the work travel I had done to Colorado, etc..so it didn't cost me anything except breakfast tip!A full buffet, plus made to order omelets etc. Really pretty good.
Then I came back up to my room by 9:00-ish and thought to myself....what I am I going to do all day?  It's been maybe over a year since I've stayed the night away from the kids and had a whole day to myself.  I seriously wonder what I did with all my time before kids.  Like having all day to do as little or as much as I wanted? I was so mixed about it like, wow, how glorious, and the other piece of me was like what time is it, can I make the soccer game?
It was a good reminder of how all consuming being a parent is.....like you are constantly checking the time to see if it's snack time, lunch time, rest time, play time, etc..and wondering have they gone potty lately, are they arguing again, what should we plan today, etc....when you are in the throws of it, it kind of is just normal everyday, and it isn't until you are removed that it's like wow.....parenting is such a big responsibility and all consuming....especially when you go it on your own.
I did want to go to that soccer game and surprise them.....but I did not. I ended up surfing the net and taking a 3 hour nap!  Then I talked on the phone to a few folks and started watching march madness again.....then ordered some pizza, and here I sit sharing this story.


I'd say I am still a bit nervous about the lack of much symptoms--like oh crap, did this not work?, but I'm trying not to dwell and remain calm and positive.  I do miss my littles even though I've only been gone one day.  Hearing their voices today just made me want to tear up.  What can I say.....I love 'em.

T minus one

As it turns out, I can’t really be upset with my sister. This past Monday she was feeling pretty crummy and slept most of the day. Then on Tuesday morning she went to go pick up her cat at the vet where she passed out and they called an ambulance. The ambulance took her to the hospital where she was admitted and was there until today. She ended up having pancreatitis which also affected her one good kidney. The dr doesn’t know why. Also, she didn’t take her phone with her to the vet, hence did not have it for days. She couldn’t call long distance from her room.
How I found all this out is I got a call late Tuesday night from the hospital (which I didn’t even see until Wednesday morning because I had been getting telemarketing calls all day so didn’t even look). When I got the voicemail I also saw a text from her friend that my sister had called her late Tuesday night also and she was at the hospital.when I finally spoke to her she was on some meds that it was hard to fully understand her.
Crazy. And super stressful. Thank goodness she had her friend help at her house and go get her cat/feed the cats, and finally bring her phone so we could communicate faster.
She ended up calling my dad to take her home today. Which is another story because he was asking her why I don’t call or stay connected. Umm gee...because we don’t really have much of a relationship and I’m not that interested in talking often.

Needless to say when I found out she was in the hospital I obviously needed to go to plan B for coordinating what I was going to do for the transfer. I ended up spilling it all to nanny and basically saying I’m desperate and need help. When I told her I was going in to do a transfer it was really sweet she started crying (happy tears) and said she was so excited. She got a little too excited and was like, you need bunk beds, we need bigger cars! I said woah , slow down, hold up. One step at a time. I tried to explain that it may not work, there are several hurdles, etc. I think unless you go through the process yourself it’s not something you really ‘get’ fully about being so cautiously optimistic.

So, basically she is going to come here and stay through Sunday 1pm and I’m going to a hotel after the transfer tomorrow. I really just wanted to disconnect and try to relax/be calm as much as possible. I did this for my son’s transfer but that was more out of necessity because we didn’t live here when I did that one. However, I just remember liking the peacefulness and no responsibility except positive energy to the process. The only thing I’m a bit worried is that her 16 year old daughter is going to watch the kids from 6-10 on Friday when nanny does her other job. Her daughter has never babysat before believe it or not. I’m sure it will be fine but I know all the trouble her mom has had with her over the last year and it’s been some crazy. I’ll just have to trust that since it’s only a few hours it will be ok.

I’m excited, still a bit homonal. I had my monitoring appointment today and lining still close to 13, estrogen was good, prog a bit low at 20 so I get to put more of that on the list.
I’m going to get my bag and some food ready in the morning and head over there for the transfer, then scoot in over to hotel.
That’s the plan.
Fingers crossed.
I’m not quite sure how the thawing will go, but at this point, they will be thawed tomorrow and we’ll see what we have to work with. I’m feeling pretty good right now, thankfully, mostly since it’s all been in preparation for tomorrow. It’s here and I’m ready.  All the meds, shots, planning, monitoring. Its a commitment, but no regrets.

My poor son, tonight. After shower when we were talking about this weekend and he realized I wasn’t going to be here on Saturday (our special day) and for soccer he burst into tears and  crawled in my lap. I hugged/rocked/kissed him and asked if he was feeling sad and he shook his little head yes. Poor kid. I did my best to distract him with what he wanted for snack and his sister was making funny faces to get him to laugh—she also brought him his stuffy Cutie and even gave him her own stuffy Bear. It was so sweet. And Of course I don’t want to see my children be so upset, but it allowed me to see how deeply he cares for his mama. It touched my heart.

I hope I can get at least some sleep tonight.