Sick to the fourth

You want to know the highlight of my evening? I didn't get puked all over.

It's been torturous in our house since last Thursday--mainly because that's when I got sick too. The kids have been having runny nose, coughs, low grade warmness for a few weeks now but oh nelly did it kick up a notch this last week.

Last Thursday I started feeling crummy, achy, sinus-y so stayed home from work, urgent care Sunday.And of course this week was the fullest week at work w a few projects due i.e. HAD to be there kind of things.

My girl went to peds office Monday said to try allergy med first but if in few days no good start antibiotic. Tuesday morning she was NO better so we started her then. My son started to really spike fever Tuesday nite so nanny took him Wednesday when I was at work. Raging ear infection.

He started antibiotics Wednesday. He was so pitiful. His eyes were so red, sunken, all he did was moan. Wednesday he took his RX but by night he was still so hot when I took him to bed. He laid down for an hour or so then started crying out. He was due for his Motrin dose but when I took it to him in his room he clamped shut and most of it went down his face. So took him to the kitchen and he was refusing again.

I should have listened to him--cue mom guilt.

I tried to give whatever I could but as soon as we went back to his room and sat down in his rocking chair...vomit--all over both of us. Clearly he was nauseous.

Whisk straight to the tub. I cleaned him up--this was a bad one i.e. Had to take clothes outside to hose off chunks--so gross on top of me being sick already.

We just get cleaned up... I worry about dehydration so try to see if he'll take some water--extra no--second round of vomit here we go.

Get us both cleaned up again and had the smarts to just rock him. I held him for quite some time then tried putting in crib. Cried out some more--can't blame him--but by this time it had to be like 2am. I just got a blanket, laid next to his crib, and there we were.

Thursday, yesterday, was tough--my girl coughing terribly, my son spiking terrible fever still, my antibiotics did nothing at all. Same thing happened all over again last night--took my son to bed--vomit all.. Over... Us... Again! This time I couldn't move us fast enough and we hit carpet, chair, everything.

After we got everything cleaned up again I was rocking him to sleep and what do I hear? My cats stomach lurching and HE threw up too. 

Guess he wanted to join the party.

This morning I said enough--I had already scheduled an appointment for me at 9-- I had the sense Thursday to get on ball and schedule at a primary care that I can hope to establish and its close to house.

But called peds dr this am at 745 and was able to get both of them in at 940. 

Basically both of their sickness not responsive to antibiotics so we changed to a different one. Started this afternoon and tonight they added a cough rx for my girl since she spent the better part of an hour last nite coughing.

I was given a steroid shot (have had a ton of wheezing and coughing) and a new antibiotic as well.

I walked out of the pharmacy with an entire bag of medication.

No vomit tonight.

I suppose it's typical of any mama but when they get sick I go into what I call hyper cortisol-flowing state. In the back of my head I'm worried about everything---hospital, oh no what if fever doesn't go down, what can I do to fix this--now! And it just makes me so so wound tight.

Basically the complete opposite of go with the flow. I should know they will get sick, have high fevers, and it will be ok.

But in the middle of it, it just feels fight or flight for me and I'm a complete mess.

Part of me wonders if it is a bit of a trigger from all those times over the years my mom got sick and I could do nothing but watch. Of course comfort her and take care of her but I probably couldn't describe adequately what days/weeks/months of fighting with every ounce of fight--to no avail.

My kids sick is one of the hardest things for me as a parent. It's when I wish the most for s second set of hands. I'm still building my local community but last weekend current nanny couldn't help, back up babysitter busy, friend who comes every now and then was sick.

So just picked up my sick bootstraps and did the best i could.

I can only hope we are all on the mend. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

There's a walker in the house!!

At 16 months my son finally decided it was time to walk! It couldn't have been more exciting. Our old nanny was in town and it was February 6 getting close to bath time. The four of us were playing in my room(which has become a second toy room) and literally out of nowhere he just turned away from the bed and started walking. It was funny because he was sort of shuffling sideways but we all just looked at each other and screamed and clapped. I HAD to get it on video so I paused just to go get my phone. Hoping he'd continue to do it, which he did. He even got himself up from the floor and started walking. Just like that.

Now because he crawls freakishly fast he still prefers that way to get around, I would too, but he is practicing more and more. Still quite wobbly. The part I will be so happy about is him not picking up so many germs from crawling on the ground, dr office floors, the sidewalk, basically anywhere you let him.

His personality is starting to shine through and this kid is a ham! He loves to make funny faces when someone is looking at him. He's also doing this lifting one shoulder up to his head and smiling like.. Aww aren't I cute.

Since he's into his nuni now it's hilarious he's mostly quiet with it but if he has something to say he'll take the nuni out, yell, grunt, whatever, and pop it right back in.

He can find his nose now. He's into pointing at everything so we've been practicing eyes....eyes....nose...mouth and he is now starting to point to his own when you ask him where is his nose? He smiles SO proud of himself.

Teething still has him in fits. He has been waking up during the night--like 330, 4, 430, and 5 (last nite) and I find him just chewing away at his hands. 

A moment we had---yesterday we were all sitting in the rocker and he usually faces out so he can see what's going on. But he sat himself up and laid right on my chest w his head snuggled in and his hand underneath his sisters arm. Oh that was peaceful. We just rocked and rocked. The get a 3 and 1 year old to sit still....at the same time. Magic.

Part of it might be due to sickness. 

Again--well continued. My girl has had cough, off/on mild fever, runny nose for ever it seems. My boy too w just crud.

I finally got it this past Thursday and was off work. By yesterday I was feeling so bad that I went to urgent care. Such a debacle--it was highly rated so thought why not try it. I went there around noon and after check in I was still there almost 2 hours later. They did say urgent right?  My babysitter had to leave by 2 so not much other choice but to leave the appointment and drag both kids back. How nice of them to 'keep our place'.

The crazy thing was when I checked in there were only 6 patients ahead of me. 

Turns out I have sinus infection--along w major cough/achy/fever.

It is just plain tough to take care of sick children when you are sick. Of course we got through but I didn't feel bad about watching a gazillion George and Daniel and I didn't cook a thing--ordered them pizza. I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep in I can't even remember. Maybe when I was out of town for work travel!

School

My baby started school January 19, 2016.

Today we are on our 9th day of school (3rd week this week). The short story is she's done really well, but it's not been easy.

Before the first day I tried to hype it up by talking about how much FUN and all of the new friends she will meet. The first morning we all planned to go--nanny, me, and brother.

In my angst of worrying about how she would handle the change I forgot to get one of those cutsie signs where you say first day of school, etc so as we were rushing to get out the door I just had to write on a piece of paper--but couldn't find the black marker so used a little green one. SO bummed you can hardly read the paper and she wasn't into helping to take the amazing adorably cute photo I had planned in my mind.

But We were off and she was excited, smiling.

We get to school and because it was Tuesday they went straight to chapel. They suggested we wait until class comes back before bringing her to classroom so it's not too much for her. While we were waiting we walked around her new room finding her cubby, her chair, until the class came back at 9.

Then we went in the hall and she started dancing!

Once the classes started filing back from chapel a LOT of people were around. She started to get a bit timid and held my hand. Once the teacher was back she came to us in the hall and knelt down and said hi/introduced herself. She then took baby's hand and walked her in the classroom. I asked what I should do and she said best to go now--not follow in classroom. I watched baby girl walk into the room and she turned around briefly because she was unsure where to go and teacher showed her the table where they had her chair and play do. She didn't cry but I could tell she was nervous.

That was it.

I stood there for a minute w nanny just trying to catch more glimpses of her and make sure she wasn't crying.

As soon as we started walking away tears were just streaming down my face. I'm such a sap--just reliving this I am wiping fresh tears. My baby.

I ended up taking 1/2 day vacation in the morning so I could be the one to take her AND pick her up.

I was just a mess worrying about her. I was stressed so went through a drive through for breakfast--then my phone rang. It was school. My stomach dropped as I answered thinking--oh no they only call if they can't handle a tantrum or something. But, It was the admissions lady saying she had checked in on her and she was doing great! She was the weather girl! That made me feel loads better.

When we went to go pick her up we walked toward the classroom and the second I walked up to the door and she saw me from inside of the room she starts running towards me, arms outstretched, yelling MAMAaaaaa....I scooped her up in my arms and we both hugged each other SO tight-her arms and legs wrapped around me and I'm hugging and kissing her. It's a moment I won't forget. I'm seriously crying again just thinking about it.

The teacher said she did so well. She did say she missed mama a few times during class but she was able to follow along and do quite well for not having been in a school environment before.

I was just relieved--but thinking it couldn't be this easy. And it wasn't, actually.

I ended up taking her everyday because I wanted to be sure she was ok.

The next two days were actually harder, and her second day was tough. They go to music on Wednesdays and they take them out of the room to a different one and there is a different teacher. AND she doesn't like loud noise. So poor baby sat to the side and cried during the class the teacher told me. She didn't want to participate.

Third day still not wanting to look up.

The third day was toughest because teacher said baby girl can up to her every 10-15 minutes saying she missed her mama. Cue tears. They try and redirect by saying nanny will be back to pick up in a little while.

I talk to her every night about school, what she learned, asked what she liked the most etc.  last week was a little easier and this week so-so. Still almost every morning she says "but I will miss my mama all day" "I will miss you at school". I tell her it's ok to have those feelings, I miss her too during the day, etc. some mornings she has real tears--I know the difference--and I take more time with her to reassure her that it's ok, she will have fun. Yesterday she got nervous because nanny was taking her instead of me and she legitimately was upset. I came out of my room as I was still getting ready for work and scooped her up and walked with them down to the car to buckle her in. Not sure it helped but nanny said she was ok, no tears at drop off.

And get this--the first school event for us tomorrow? Dads and donuts. Really. I've been just waiting for her to ask where her dad is and I'm sort of nervous for it. But for now she hasn't. We don't have any males close enough that can go tomorrow so I'm going!

What came to me this morning if she asks is to just say all families are different and ours has a mama, baby girl, and baby boy--oh and fatboy our cat.

I do think school is a positive thing for her so we will keep going. I did put our name in the hat during registration at the other less expensive preschool right near current one-well still 385/mo for 4 days am/pm all days--and they told me I ended up 45th on the wait list for that class. What?! For real?

I'm thankful I went to current schools open house for the fall on the 24th because I got to meet the 4 year old teachers--there are 3 of them--and learn an important thing. Even though current students get first day of registration, church second, general public third day, the director told me that current families camp out--they've had to put signs up to discourage people doing that. I couldn't imagine why they would do that since there would for sure be spots. She said they do that so they can be first in line for their TEACHER preference. This is just insane to me. I was dumbfounded and realized again I was behind 8 ball because I was just planning to turn in form sometime that next day. Clearly I needed to change course. I thought about getting up early to go stand in line--I guess there is one teacher they all rave about that does 4 year old class 5 day week. But then decided no, I'm not sending her 5 days week, the other teachers seemed fine, and I wouldn't participate in the madness.

Funny enough when we were waiting to drop off Monday morning the list of people who had come early was still sitting there with names and teacher preferences. One guy walked by and pointed to his wife--see honey, that's me, second on the list. All proud of his accomplishment. Wonder what time he got there for that? Ridiculous.

I've been keeping a log of other things she's said--too cute/funny.

Baby girl: you put me in time out when I'm fussy.

Me: yup

Baby girl: I don't like that

Me: well, what should I do with you?

Baby girl: just give me my bottle with milk. That helps calm me down

The other day I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. Maybe a teacher? She said no, I want to be a mommy just like you.

Awwww.

She'd make statements and finish with--and that's the truth!

She'll call me from her bedroom--oh yooo hoooo. Mommay....

On a regular basis she says "you're my best in the whole wide world"! I tell her that it warms my heart.

The other day she said just her and I should go on a bike ride. I asked her what we should do with baby boy? She said he can stay with fatboy. Fatboy will play with him.

A for effort!!

My son walked 6 steps last week but is back to crawling. He was on an early morning sleep plan getting up as early as 450-500ish am. these last few weeks. Agh!

He's also picked up a new habit that we thought helped w teething but now he just plain likes it.

The big day is almost here

I'm a mess. My girl is starting preschool tomorrow and here I sit with tears in my eyes. I can't believe how much emotion is coming out of me for school!

I'm wondering if our terrible experience trying daycare when she was 18mo old is clouding the situation now. That experience was nothing short of torturous. She would scream after me and my heart was breaking in pieces. I left sobbing myself several days. I have a lot of worry and anxiety about her being overwhelmed, scared, and sad mommys not there. Here I go again fresh tears in my eyes. 

We did go visit on Friday the 8th and got to see her classroom--kids were off since it was a Friday--and meet her teacher. My girl was in a mood that day and everything wasn't fair and she wanted to go to the playground and couldn't. She wasn't listening or following instructions. Cue the cringing inside hoping the director wasn't judging me.

However, they couldn't have been any nicer and the admission lady was sweet as could be--very warm and positive. It reinforced my decision about going there--even though it's expensive.

I did go to the other preschool just to put our name on the list for fall--so we have an option if this one doesn't work. The other is cheaper but I don't have high hopes of getting schedule we'd like. And sometimes the saying is true you get what you pay for.

For now, we chose m-th it goes 845-1145. That is considered the full curriculum. In the fall I will add a few afternoons so she will go until 230.

I'm having a much harder time than she is, I'm sure. When I talk about school some days she says great! Some days she says she doesn't want to go. 

The teacher sent an email Sunday night and it really was nice-she gave me some tips for tomorrow and sent a selfie pic of her and the assistant to show my girl. She also took a pic of the schedule and sent it. She reassured me that it will be fine and my girl will do great.

Was such a nice, personal note.

I felt better after reading.

So, here goes to the start of our school  days!!

Things

It's kind of funny how I'm not a pack rat by any shape stretch or form, but grew up with a mom the complete opposite. She liked her "stuff". Stacks of this, piles of that--but if you wanted to know where anything was she could tell you. I can still hear her yelling out from the other room-it's on the shelf behind the papers on the top of the stack--and by golly it would be there. I wasn't very good at finding things, though, and she'd always sigh and say-use your eyeballs!

The only exception to my clutter-free house (besides toys) is old clothes and a few things. For me, I hang on to them because of the memories. As an example I have a ton of volleyball tshirts throughout the years and whenever I drag one out I remember where I was that year, what was going on. Most of them have years printed on them.

Baby clothes. Can't even consider giving them away, least not yet. All of my girls clothes are washed and folded neatly in a purple bin. Noone's using them, someone less fortunate could really benefit because there is a ton--most of them were presents--so a small fortune in adorable clothes just sits there. My son's haven't even made it in a bin yet. They are stacked in his closet. Just the other day I went in there and just loved seeing the teeny zipped jammies, I held them in front of my face and realized how big my boy is now--brought a warmness and smile to me.

Things tied to my mom.  We have this pillow that has been shuffled around with our toys for ages. It's small, doesn't get played with, but it's remained in our toy box for as long as I can remember. My mom used to use the pillow when in the car back and forth between hospital/Drs visits.  A few months back my girl was holding the pillow and said-is this from grandma? I kind of got chills--my girl just saying grandma out of the blue and how in the world would she know that?  Then I thought back further and I may have told her that awhile ago that it was her grandmas and she just remembered.

Tonight this pillow was in the play area and she said:

Baby girl: is this grandpas?

Me: you mean grandmas?

Baby girl: yes.

Me: it is.

Baby girl: where is she?

Me: you mean grandma? She's in heaven baby.

Baby girl: we should go and see her.

Oh that made my heart ache. Brought tears to my eyes and I'm crying now just typing it out. 

So, some things may be sad, or wildly funny, or just.....whatever emotion comes from seeing it. Songs bring back memories for people but for me it's clothes and a few things.

That is why I keep them.

Confession

I have a confession to make. I think I am terrified of preschool.

My daughter is now 3 years 5 months old. I intentionally didn't even think about preschool for her because of all the changes happening in our lives after she turned 2....we brought a new baby home, we moved states, then moved again to our current home, the change in nannies, the challenging behavior, the sickness, etc.. My plan all along was to put her in preschool when she turned 4 this fall. I figured by then she'd be super verbal, able to express anything bothering her, etc. and perhaps the transition/any separation issues would be ok. I got over the fact that 'everyone' seemed to start their kids at the latest 3.

However, before xmas I had been talking w/ one of my coworkers who has highschool aged kids and she gave me some advice about preschools in the area, where her daughter went many years ago (connected to a church), so I just started investigating.  Am I glad I started when I did!! Little did I know preschool is an industry here. I almost started a spreadsheet comparing location, prices, schedules, afternoon offerings....but that would have been ridiculous, almost.
What I've discovered:
--There are waitlists--long ones. If you want your kid to get in anywhere now.
--It's totally expensive-over 600/mo for some if you want morning/afternoon M-F
--They have this cost thing where there is a flat fee for morning sessions, but if you want afternoon too a "lunch bunch" some of them call it, you add $65/per afternoon day a month.
EXAMPLE: MWF 8:45-11:45 - $205. BUT, if you tack on afternoon that's an additional 65x3 (195/mo) for a grand total of $400/month.
--a lot of them are enormous....example, 6 classes of 15 = 90 3 year olds!
--the registration process for the Fall starts in January! Like now!
--the registration process is like black friday after thanksgiving. Current students get to sign up one day, then the next day members of the church/school, then third day general public. First come first serve, doors open at 7am for most schools. My neighbor said I'm not "camping" to get my kid in school. I said huh? She said doors may open at 7, but people get there in the middle of the night to get in line to make sure they get a spot.

I've been somewhat 'schooled' in how crazy a process is...it's totally overwhelming. My mind gets totally anxious thinking about school for her....Aside from piecing together everything above, how do I make sure I choose the best one? What if the one I want we somehow can't get in? Is a church-based one okay? How am I going to fit in going on all the tours? What if the teachers aren't that great? What if she reacts like she did when we tried daycare-disaster.? What if it's not challenging enough for her i.e. she knows a lot of the basics.

So, before the holidays when I realized registration coming fast, I took a tour of the one my coworker's child went to years ago before and I really liked it. Good vibe, great facility, the tour lady made me feel good that I wasn't damaging my child somehow by not having her in school already. I wanted to tour some others but couldn't get in before holiday closures.  When I was there I talked to the woman about current openings and heard the same story, wait lists wait lists....but, she'd go ahead and put us on for the 3 year old class. I didn't expect to hear a thing.

Today, I happened to call them asking about when they stop taking new students for this school year and lo and behold she said they have a spot open and do we want it?! She was going to call me today.
At first I said awesome, great...we'll take it. She gave us a choice of MWF or M-TH and I need to let her know tomorrow. But, even while we were talking my stomach sank. I don't know why other than I think I've realized maybe now mama's the one not ready. It feels so fast...I just got my mind around thinking about school for the Fall and now, she could go in a week or so.  On the way home tonight I thought about what would happen if she went to school and was upset crying and I wasn't there to comfort her? I actually started crying myself thinking of her being sad w/out me. I'm so much more of a mama bear than I was even aware of i.e. I don't want anyone to be mean to her, tease her, be ugly to her....I know that's not real world, life...but at home I can protect her from all of that. At school....I can not.
I know I've been slow to transition from things: like she still sleeps in her crib (however she just started crawling out on a regular basis so we are going to look for a big girl bed soon), I still let her have a bottle, she didn't potty train until age 3...oh yes, I forgot to say she is fully potty trained!! No more diapers during the day--just overnight, and many mornings she is dry. But to jump from her being home all the time to now going to school....it just feels like....all grown up already.

So, I researched this afternoon what is better, 3 days/week or more or less and mostly it depends on the child.  I've decided I will take her, the nanny, my son, and I over there tomorrow to get the paperwork and just see how she reacts. Maybe they will let her go in a classroom or something. Tonight she told me she wasn't old enough for school (I've been telling her she can go when she's 4)....but then I said guess what, 3 year olds can go too--she said wait, I'm 3! I said YES, that means you can go now if you want to. She said it sounded like fun.
This coming from the child who also said to me tonight when we were doing bedtime talk....wait, I'm not finished with you yet! When I was trying to tell her it was nigh-night time :)

What happened to preschool that's conducted in someone's basement (oh yeah, that's the midwest) and there were like 10 kids total in the class and it cost close to nothing.....??
Think best thing to do is just go see what we think. It's not a permanent decision i.e. if it doesn't work, we don't sign up, or if we do I can always pull her out if it's not working.

I started to put away our holiday stuff and I couldn't resist sharing this picture...we've gone to see Santa every year and this year both kids decided sticking their tongue out was cool.

2016...Hello!

The Sunday we were coming back home my son sounded like a dog/seal when he tried to breathe in. The entire night before we were up all night--my son coughing and me worried sick. Took him to urgent care--croup.

Poor baby.

Upon reflection the least stressful time we had was the drive over. It was a rough few days. My son was crying almost non-stop which makes me very anxious. It was hard to relax when I knew he was feeling so bad and the only thing that worked consistently was feeding him.

Croup, constipated, no sleep, rash, lump, teething. That'll do it.

I'm worried about him now because he's thinning out very quickly--I know he is growing but I think stopping the dairy milk has made him not get enough fat in his diet.

And my girl--try this one on. We are waiting to hear back on a culture for chicken pox!!

Sure enough when we came back from our trip she had these little red bumps all over--I noticed a few on her neck before we left but thought they were just bites. Since many more popped up over several days took her to pediatrician this past Tuesday. They weren't sure so we could either do blood work or go dermatologist. They suggested derm because if not chicken pox they not sure what it is. We've been putting calamin.e lotion on and they look much better these last few days. Derm doesn't think that's what they are but we shall see.

I recently told our nanny we need to stop going to the public play place and the bouncy place they go to for awhile. That has to be where they are picking up all of this crap. It's been constant sickness since October and it's exhausting for all of us. Stomach bugs, nasty virus took us to ER, colds, runny noses, fevers, croup, bumps....

It is hello 2016--2015 was a rough year for me.

Started with looking for new job.

Started said job in April--everyone was sick, I had strep, even the cat was sick.

Relocated family to temporary apartment.

Hired a new nanny--transition w my girl when I went back to work was beyond tough.

Switched to another new nanny.

Bought a house that needed an entire house renovation--no regrets just a lot of work. Did that may-August.

Relocated the family again into our house.

Switched to our third nanny.

My eye/health scare. Drs appts, mri, the waiting and waiting. This is a small sentence but overshadowed a lot of my year. Sept got false frightening news and turns out not correct. Still just diagnosed w benign eye condition.

My sister's surgery that could have gone better--what we did for thanksgiving.

Our first ER visit in October-My children have been sick w something on and off for last 3 months all October-December. 

If I need to wonder why I was so tired this year and not beat myself up over still having boxes in the front living room I'll just read this again.

There were several bright spots--my son took his first steps this past week!! Guess he figured at 14 mo it was time.

My girl has changed from a toddler to a little girl--her thoughts continue to amaze me. We've had true FUN as a family of 3. When we all laugh together....family dinners at the table. Some of my favorite moments this year are being at the park pushing both my babies and hearing their squeals. And I can't forget having one baby snuggled on the left and my other baby snuggled in the right, both in my lap drinking bottles. Okay that will be a goal for 2016.

I'll save my thoughts for this new year  for another post.

Favorite xmas gift-skates!