1 day pa.st tra.nsfer

I am sitting here in my hotel room on bed rest until tomorrow.

What's happened so far:
I drove over here Thursday night--well arrived fri morning 1 am as it takes 5 hours to get here...and checked into my hotel. I was going to stay at my house but at last minute decided it would be better to get hotel thurs night, get all settled-not have to lug a bunch of bags to my room after transfer-, and be here through sunday.  I tried one of my other friends to see if I could stay w/ her but she had company in town this weekend. so, hotel it was.

On fri morning I got up around 10am and decided I needed to get some food for my stay before I went to the Dr.'s office. Stopped at a grocery store and got some fruits/veg/sandwich stuff, etc.  Then, worried I was going to be late, got over to the Dr.'s office at 11:15 for 11:30 appt time.  As usual there was a bit of wait, which was fine, so I could eat some breakfast and relax before getting started.

It's kind of funny but it didn't even bother me that I was there by myself. I drove there, checked in, and the really nice office manager came out--who I talk to almost every time--and we chit chatted about the procedure, how she was doing etc, . It almost felt like I had a friend there anyway.

They have you drink a lot of water because you need a full bladder. Last go round they had you take the valium in the lobby, but this time, she came to get me, had me put on gown/booties, etc and take the valium then. Then I went back to the suite and laid in the same curtained area I did before my last embryo transfer.  As I was laying there I was talking to myself saying, just relax.....breathe.....relax your muscles, etc. Trying to get as comfortable as possible. The valium was kicking in somewhat and I started to get sleepy.  The Dr. came to talk to me and he said that of the 5 embryos they had, they thawed the 2 5-day grade A, both survived, so he would transfer both of them. The odds are 75% for one baby, so that is good.  While I was waiting the Dr. went in to the other curtained area right next to mine (basically you can hear everything) and he was telling them about their report. I guess they only had 3 embryos and 2 were not good, and one had some chance of implanting. I really felt for them as I guess she had a tubal pregnancy before. He wanted to just transfer all, but they got nervous and said to only do the one okay one, and the other not okay. He said said sure, no problem. They were after me, so I got to hear the whole story.

Now it was my turn and I walked back to the procedure room. I laid on the table and on a screen on the wall they put up your name and you can see your embroys.  They ask if it was me, and yes....One of the embryos looked very circular, lots of cells, the other looked pretty funky. I think I even said so in the room.  The Dr. took the ultrasound and pressed pretty firmly on the outside of my uterus...kinda hurt, actually....but he looks for one particular spot to transfer the embryos and marks in on the screen.  Then you see on the wall where he gets a tube? not sure what it is.....and he 'sucks up' the embryos in them. Then he positions it and puts the embryos in his spot. Walah!  The 'procedure' took less than 5 minutes once we got started. This was the easiest part about the last 5 months. I then schooched myself onto another gurney and they roll me back to where I started.  You stay there for 30 minutes, then are released w/ instructions to go home on bedrest, continued medication schedule, etc..

Once I got back to the hotel, it was superfull and no parking close by so I had to walk a little bit back to my room. I was pretty sleepy so ate some lunch and laid down for a really good nap.
Once I woke up I laid really still to see what I was feeling:
I was feeling some pressure in my uterus, definitely some pings and zings in different areas, but mostly on the left side. I thought I noticed my breasts being tender a bit. I feel pretty much normal otherwise.  I just went back to read last go round to see how I felt and it is pretty much the same first day after transfer. But last time I had 3 day fresh versus this time 5 day frozen.

I got this from the new york fer.tility ce.nter webpage (where had good description I looked up before) to see what's happening and it seems if all worked, the blastocyst is beginning to hatch out of its shell.

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Today, I still feel some twinges in my lower left part of uterus and it has a 'fullness' feeling. I still feel pretty normal and good. Yesterday I had some anxiety about gosh what if this works/doesn't work stuff and I kept thinking about my girl.  I really really want to have a sibling for her and I have never seen myself w/ an only child.  Is this going to be hard......heck yes.  But when I get overwhelmed I need to just take it one day at a time. And have backup plans for childcare.

Speaking of my girl, after nap yesterday I called my friend to see how baby did at daycare on Friday. Drop off went better than w/ me. She did cry, but went to go play after about 10 minutes....that part was good. The rest of the report was so-so....apparently she had pulled someone's hair--maybe the helper? because they asked my friend what do I do when she needs consoled. She has hit/scratched/pulled hair, etc. on me before when she is super tired and mad, so suspect that's exactly what she was. Makes me so sad/stressed to hear that she is having such a hard time. I know it will take time but man o man it's hard.  For good measure she threw up on Thursday night right before I left town.

I am going spend the rest of today and tomorrow relaxing, then go pick up my cat! who I have not seen in 10 days at my house, and drive back over to our new home/apartment.  Good news there since the contract I put on a house got outbid, I suspected I will be in apartment for 6 months. SO, got them to update lease to 6 months--saves me 1200. I was very happy to hear they worked w/ me on that.

This has been a bit of a 'report out' and maybe not to interesting to read, but I wanted to keep note of as many details as I could. 

x2

The title of this post means vomit x 2.  That would be me. Yes, this past Sunday night I ended up getting baby's virus and throwing up at 9pm and 11pm (why I remember the times I have no idea), and major stomach/intestinal issues all day Mon into Tues and finally feeling better today. It was simply miserable. So, my much anticipated start date never happened! I had to call my boss Monday morning and let her know I wasn't moving. She was so amazing and supportive I couldn't have asked for more, but geez.
Since I haven't dealt w/ much sickness with baby, I haven't dealt w/ me getting sick and having to take care of a toddler who is still not feeling great and has had back-covering diarrhea for several days.  I have never counted the minutes so much as to when she would take a nap, then go to bed. I was just miserable. I felt bad that all I could do was lay there and when she brought a book read it to her. But she wasn't feeling great either so she had a lot of downtime herself....she sat in my lap a lot and wasn't her usual self. In addition the weather was horrendous so her school was closed tue and wed anyway.
Monday was one of the hardest days I've had as a parent trying to take care of my still sick baby while totally sick myself.  A major blessing was that I am staying at a friend's house since the apartment still isn't move-in ready yet. I've been able to commiserate and share some of the load. Although not on Monday since I wasn't the only one to catch the virus...my friend did too! the same night.....ugh...just nasty.

Suffice it to say the transition here has just plain sucked. I did spend a few days thinking how I could/should just say forget it and go back home. I would burn major bridges at my new/old company and burn some friendships as well....but my house is still there and I am sure I can find a job--in fact several head hunters have called since I moved over here (poor timing!). And, my gut has been screaming at me that it's not settled or at peace. I've done my best to logically calm my inner voice, and got a lot of advice from friends to just stay put, stay calm, and just give it a try.

So.....

I am going to give the transition to daycare a little while longer....I know it won't happen overnight and I appreciated the comments from last post.  I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be on both of us, but I've learned.  I will say though, that over time if we don't get into a groove and she doesn't seem to be happy, nanny it is.

I'm also planning to drive back home because I have my transfer this Friday. I started the proges.terone in oil shots and I forgot how much they hurt :(  Since my house is empty I haven't figured out where I am going to stay...I think I will stay thurs night at my house on air mattress, then after transfer Friday check into hotel for a few days since I have no TV or internet, then drive back over here Sunday afternoon. I'm stressing about which hotel to stay in....why, I'm not sure. I just can't seem to book one and be done w/ it. I thought about staying w/ a couple friends but two of them are out of town this weekend and the others have full houses. I'll figure it out.

On a separate note, her 4 teeth are still coming in......lots and lots of fussies today.

Just a lot going on, for sure......sickness, tears, stress......on the bright side I am excited (and nervous/yes) about the transfer, but it is finally here. It's been a long haul on this one.

New School

New School = tears.....for baby and mama. It has been super hectic since moving out of our house Monday, driving over to new city Monday night, Tuesday doing prep stuff, Wednesday first day of school 1/2 day, Thursday movers bring stuff to apartment and 1/2 day school + nap, and Friday (today) closer to full day of school.

What I haven't mentioned is the transition....for both of us.....has been t-o-u-g-h. Oh Man. I wasn't prepared for how hard this was going to be.  We've had lots of tears. And vomit.

Wednesday I was a nervous wreck taking her to school.....I was so nervous for her i.e. that she would be inconsolable and we'd have to go home.  To my surprise when we got there she went into the playland right away and I thought wow.....this may be easier than I thought.  I went in to talk to the teacher and she walked me through what parent normally do at drop off, etc. and the more she was talking the more I started to get anxious and sad. She looked at me and said 'you look like you are about to cry' and I totally did! I started crying right then and there. I was just soooo worried about her. Leaving her, her crying and me not being there to comfort her.  I was so surprised at my reaction. I hadn't even thought that this would be hard for ME too! But, waterworks.  She took my hands, prayed for me, and it was very nice.  We got there around 8:30, I left at 9:00-ish....then called around 10:30 to check in.  They said she had been crying on and off once they left playland, but at that moment she was better. Okay, we can do this......she actually ate lunch well and I picked her up right before naptime.
She seemed to be just fine...no worries.......I was pleased w/ how it went for the most part.

Yesterday we went for 1/2 day + nap time after lunch--and I prepared to pick her up at 2pm when she woke up from nap.  I wasn't sure what to expect, and they weren't sure she would nap.....but we tried it and I called during naptime and she was asleep--without using a bottle even! So I show up and see the teacher doing her notes outside the room and I went to talk w/ her before picking baby up.  She said baby had napped but that she did cry on/off more than yesterday. I had filled out a questionnaire they gave me the night before and the teacher followed up on a couple things I had asked about/and said. 1) hand washing--when do they do.....2) books--there are no books left out and baby loves books 3) I had put in her questionnaire that our house is pretty quiet and I suspect the music/noise/activity would be a lot for her and to help her if she gets overwhelmed.
They said they agree that it probably is a lot of the noise because they saw she had covered her ears at one point....also, when kids are coming in/out she got overwhelmed and just sat down. (cue breaking heart). Once they saw my note about the noise they agreed and understood it will be a transition for her.  When I went to the room she had just woken up from a nap and was crying (cue breaking heart again).  Once she saw me she reached out and wanted to be held so bad. Then she quieted down.
One thing I noticed is how loud they play the music during naptime. It is not soft background noise....it really is loud. I kept thinking to myself OMG do they play this through their whole nap? And they do.  I personally couldn't sleep at all if there was that much loud music playing. It's the first thing I've noticed that I really don't like.  However, it's not something they will change for one child, I suspect.....so she will have to get used to it--or not.
Once we were driving home to my friend's house (where we are staying until apartment unpacked more), she seemed to be okay and when we got home she was acting normally. So, I thought okay, it was rough, but we survived.

Day 3---not so much.  Oh man today was terrible.  Started this morning....I went in to see her and something smelled funny. I thought it was her bottle until I noticed she had stains all over her jammies and chunks in her bed. Yup, she had vomited during the night and I didn't even know it. Real vomit too, not just spit up. I felt terrible that she had to throw up by herself and then put herself back to sleep. Just terrible.....So I got her up and felt her head....she seemed a little warm, but not too much. I got her dressed to see how she would act and she seemed okay--she took a bottle and drank which was good. I took her temperature and it was slightly up, but not hardly at all. I talked to my friend and we both agreed we should try school and if she starts getting sick they will call.
When I took her over this morning I told them she had been sick and to keep close watch on her. The group was in tubes and tunnels so I dropped her off in there--no tears--and went to classroom to drop off her things.  Unfortunately when I walked past tunnels on my way out she saw me and started wailing....I mean reaching for me, red-faced, crying her eyes out. I just couldn't leave her like that. I went in the room grabbed her up and started crying myself.  I sat down w/ her, hugged her...tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't stop them. It was as if someone had turned on the faucet.  After several minutes and her calming right down I said enough, she will get upset if I am upset, and she needs to stay. So I tried to see if she would go to one of the girls--she did, but when I got up to leave she started crying terribly again. I just left this time and was sooo hopeful she would calm down after I was gone.
She didn't.
I left at 9:00 and I called at 10:00. She was still wailing in the background and I could totally hear her through the phone. It broke my heart....seriously I felt my heart bursting and I wanted to rush over there and grab her up and never leave her again. I couldn't believe how hard it was hearing her cry like that and there was nothing I could do not being there.  I get that there are lessons we have to learn as parents and things will be hard....but she's a baby and she obviously was upset.
The teacher said that they were going on the buggy ride and she likes that....so call after that around 10:30. If she hadn't calmed down then I should go pick her up i.e. she was inconsolable. Called back and she had calmed down so we agreed that she should try nap time.
Here's where I was worried about being 'that parent'. I wanted to call back and see if she had gone down for a nap. But, I hesitated because I had already called to check on her. But, then I told myself you know what? I don't care. I don't care what they think.....if my heart says check on my baby...that's exactly what I will do.
When I talked to the teacher again she said she was just about to go to sleep but she had not eaten any of her lunch. She threw it on the floor.  What that said to me was she was still upset and was still not feeling well at all. She loves lunch normally.

So, we had bad weather here and I got a call school was closing early so I was there to pick her up at 3pm.  They had just gotten back from another buggy ride and she was wailing again. (Cue heartbreak since I saw her wailing). She saw me and reached for me like noone's business.  Once I held her she calmed down but I could just tell she wasn't feeling well at all.

On the ride home we talked and her behavior seemed okay, if not a little lack-luster.  Since only had a bottle for lunch so I gave her another one....then later tried to feed her dinner. She ate some--mac/cheese.  We did our nighttime routine dinner/bath/bottle......she drank almost the whole thing and we were just resting when all of a sudden she started crying terribly. I asked her what was wrong and SPEW! Vomit all over her/and the floor. I held her forward and she vomited again.....her lunch and some other stuff not recognizable---very large amounts.
OMG this poor baby.
We quickly went to bath and my friend cleaned up her vomit. I felt terrible for baby, me, my friend all at the same time. I finally ended up giving her a bottle w/ a little bit of water and putting her down. She actually went right to sleep she was so worn out.

To say this was a tough day is an understatement.  My heart broke multiple times, I cried multiple times, baby cried multiple times and was sick and experienced some serious stomach flu. The first of many sicknesses she will get now that she is exposed to all those freakin germs at school. I've spent time second guessing my decision to put her in school i.e. should I have searched harder for a nanny. I've spent time wondering if she will now have abandonment issues, worried she gets way too overstimulated at school it makes her cry. The transition would have been so much less (I suspect) and she could have saved all this sickness until she's a bit older if perhaps I went nanny route instead.

I'm a wreck. It is past midnight and I should be in bed. We have a long day of unpacking tomorrow, pending how she feels and is acting.  All I can do is worry she will get sick again in the night. Any noise I've gone in there to make sure she is okay. It's really the first time we've dealt w/ this kind of sickness and it is just plain hard.

Let's not forget I start my new job on Monday.

Changes are a'comin'

First off, I can't believe my baby is cutting 4 TEETH at the same time.  The last of the holes in her teeth set (think these are the canines, just looked them up). She already got her molars, so these are the last few to come in.  I can't believe it!! She has done pretty well considering. She has been chewing on her fingers and drooling quite a bit when she chews.....and still puts every darn thing in her mouth, but don't think that's due to teething.

I haven't written in a few weeks because I've been...well, super busy. We went to the new city for a week to find housing and care, and also had to get movers set up for next week.  Result=looked at 4 houses and 4 apartment complexes.  No houses shook out so we are headed to an apartment. Really really not ideal, but I just didn't want to settle for something just okay....especially given the prices.   Even though it's temporary I stressed quite a bit about which complex to choose.....the older, less expensive one, or the new more expensive one.  End of the day I chose the new one because it is also a bit bigger.
The only thing I have to do now is decide whether to do a 3 month lease or 6 months. 3 months is quite optimistic considering how long I've been looking for housing and haven't really found the one yet.  It is also 200/mo more expensive than a 6 month lease.......BUT, I have more flexibility should the right house pop up.  Just not sure what to do here. Will see how it feels.

Finding care update:
Backup to the first day were were there....I had visited a church daycare at their satellite location as the director told me there was no openings at their primary location.  It was a bummer because the other location was brand new as of last year and more centrally located.  So, I went to the satellite location anyway and thought is was just....okay. It was a bit chaotic, lots and lots of kids.....the facility was just so-so, and didn't really feel like she would fit in w/ the age group they wanted to put her with. The kids looked much more "baby", were being fed out of a table w/ 6 holes in it...not a table/chairs where she eats now, some of them had pacifiers, etc..I wanted to keep an open mind but it didn't really feel 'right'. 
The next day I visited another center that is tied to a private school.  I liked this one a lot--the facility was brand new and the class size was nice and small. The setting was quite calm and the teachers seemed to be very involved, on the floor w/ them, etc..  The downside to this one is price and schedule. They were near as much as my nanny AND, they had major breaks because they followed the school calendar.  Between now and May there would be 3 weeks of no care...in addition, the monthly rate did not flex because of these breaks.
On one of the days I also interviewed a nanny. Boy, this was a tough one.  I found her through one of the care websites and I met her at Starbu.cks.  She had been a nanny for a boy who's mother had passed and the father basically employed her to do everything.  Now the boy was older and the father getting remarried.  When I first approached her she seemed nice enough....then we went outside to talk more.  Cut to the chase.....she didn't ask any questions about the baby.....she didn't ask any questions at all. I tried to pull out of her if there was anything she wanted to know...and it made me nervous so I kept rambling about our background, etc..I just assumed she wasn't interested, which was fine. However, I got an email afterwards saying how she was interested and asked question about salary!  My gut was not too keen on her.

So, I was planning to sign her up at the private school because basically we were just running out of time. I had toyed w/ the nanny, but I just was not comfortable w/ her seemingly lack of interest. Yes, the private school was expensive and there was the breaks....but I liked the place and could see her going there.

My one last thought was why don't I just tour the church primary location to see if I wanted to put her in there after the semester was over at the private school.  If there was a wait list I wanted to put her on it anyway.  I called them this past Monday morning--we were leaving Monday night--and they graciously agreed to let us come and tour.
From the moment we went in, I liked the place.  It is a brand new facility tied to the church and there is a great reception area. The assistant came out to get us and she walked us by the indoor playland--it looks like Mc.D.on.alds playland on steroids. It also has a nice wall of windows. Then the director came out and greeted us.  I was expecting the 5 minute tour because I assumed no space anyway, but when I asked her what the wait list looked like she said, well, we may have a spot....Um WHAT?!  The director over both church locations had told me there was no space.......I was wondering if she did that because they have trouble getting folks to go to satellite location? Anyway, I just played along. I assumed they wanted to check us out as much as we checked them out. Inside I was jumping for joy.
What was so great was she took us past all the classrooms---they are in one big circle hallway, they also have an outdoor play land that is really big and age appropriate.  They also have a music/dance room. We even got to go into where her 'class' would be and meet the teacher. It was just the right time when the class was going on a walk so I could hear directly from her how she runs things.

What I liked overall:
Class size/ratio:--they have +1 helper from state ratios. So, for her class size (think 15) they have one main teacher and 2 helpers. 
Classroom: decent sized and did not smell at all! I always am leery of the dirty diaper smells
Great facility--play areas inside/outside, music room, and the classrooms
They have 'lessons'-they pick certain colors/shapes/themes each week
They are open from 7am-6pm
price--it is half of what the private school tuition was
There is diversity in her classroom
'Feel' of the place seemed positive
Teacher mentioned her OCD about cleanliness and I can believe it based on the room.

Concerns:
Lunch not provided
Main teacher was somewhat 'stern', didn't smile a lot....but I'm okay w/ that because the helpers seemed quite the opposite. In fact, when I brought baby in the room, one came over and brushed her head w/ her hand and talked w/ us.
Also, not sure if there was anything I missed....? 

So, after the tour was over I didn't hesitate and said I wanted to sign her up right then and there. I even ordered her backpack (required) and cot blanket for naptime. I don't normally make decisions like that so quickly, but I did have 2 other schools and a nanny to compare to and it just seemed like the right place for us.  I''ll reserve the right to 'see how it goes' and see if any 'issues' come up.
I've learned over time that no place/person is perfect and you have to choose the best you can w/ what is available. What I do know is that she is ready for more interaction/stimulation. I suspect this will be WAY more than she will be prepared for.....so I just hope the transition goes well.
She starts Wed next week. She'll go 1/2 day wed, 1/2 day thurs, then 1/2 or all day Friday. Then all day starting the 27th when I start my new job.

It is such a load off to know where she will be spending her time. I even decided that I would try and see if  couldn't change my morning ad to now say part-time caregiver in am. I would love love if someone could come from 7-9, get her ready, breakfast, get lunch, do dishes, etc... then take her at 8:30 for class at 9am.  Then I would leave for work at 7:30 and get her at 5:30pm.
This solves a lot for me......so much less stress in the am, and less time for her in daycare as well.  It's a perfect job for a college student and 2 have applied already. Will see how that goes.  Plus, given the low tuition, I can afford to add this one too.

Now, for baby update......I've been to Dr. for monitoring Thursday and today. I am scheduled to go back in for another appointment on Monday. The labs are looking good, but may need an additional day or two before transfer. Will know more on Monday.

Oh yeah, my movers are coming on Monday too.

Oh Snap

Man.....Just when I thought we were moving forward in this whole FET process, SNAP. not so much.
So, this past Monday I had gone to the Dr. where they discovered my estrogen was elevated. They do not move forward w/ the es.trace part if this is not normal. So the Dr. figured I would have a cycle and that would be that. They told me to call them thurs/fri to update.
Well.....no cycle.  And mind you, I am taking the dexa.meth.asone and baby aspirin and lu.pron every night...it's been almost 2 weeks now and it makes me tired and bloated and not feeling full hardly at all no matter how much I eat.

Anyway, they asked me to come back in today for updated estrogen test and to do an ultrasound to see what's going on.  Guess what? 2 more cysts! Jeepers creepers, really?

So thus far in this IVF #2--
First round medication okay, but ultimately the trigger shot didn't work = no eggs.
Next month=cysts, benched
Next round medication okay, trigger shot worked = 10 eggs, 5 embryos
Wait until next cycle to get started on FET process
FET process started (a long one at that w/ daily injections and medication) = estrogen elevated, wait a few more days, calendar delayed (had a scratch biopsy in here as well)
after a few more days = more cysts.

I've been working on this since August/Sept of last year.  Who would have thought that I would be here in beginning of january still not complete.

The nurse thought the Dr. could do the cyst aspiration in the office, but after consulting w/ him, he wanted to do it under general anesthesia......again!  So this will be my FOURTH time w/ anesthesia--twice for first retrieval, then once for second retrieval, and now again for these cysts.....really?

I just feel like it has been a long haul compared to the first IVF where I had my baby.  We did the protocol, got eggs, got embryos, fresh transfer, walah!!!

I'm just worried that my body is crapping out on me or something.  This may be more normal and my first go round was great......or, this really is just a harder time around for whatever reason and I just had bad luck that the trigger shot didn't work.  I just wasn't prepared for the ongoing, endless process this FET seems to be.

The Dr. is going to do the aspiration tomorrow and we retest estrogen on Monday. Should know more then.

And let's not forget I start my new job Jan 27th. Oh boy. I will also need to find someone to take care of baby for 2 days of bedrest....clearly my one friend I mentioned before isn't the one I need me around me right now. 

Frankly, just done injecting myself.

Year End 2013

I'm sitting here in my recliner, red fuzzy blanket behind me and leaf fuzzy blanket on my lap. I just kicked the cat off my lap so I could write this post. I'm full from ham and couscous and feeling pretty relaxed.

These last several weeks have been such a mix.....so I'd really like to focus on the up:

My sister came down for Xmas about 5 days before the holiday and stayed until last Friday (about 7 days total).  She has really impressed me with how much she helps out when she is here....and no complaining either.  She just jumped right in and helped cook food, do dishes, spend time w/ the baby. She even took her to the park by herself. That was such a treat. I got to just sit here in the quiet while my sister was having fun with baby. She also did bathtime routine one night....and took her to the store by herself one day.  She is feeling more confident in care-taking and I can tell.

A few days before my sister got here I decided I needed to get a tree. A real one. So, we went off to the store and got one, set it up, and put the colored lights on it. It smelled amazing. I also got 2 poinsettias for the living room, put up window clings, hung a stocking, and put red/green alternating lights in my porch lights (red-green-red-green bulbs). I also cleaned the house from top to bottom so it was fresh, clean, and decorated. It felt really good.  Oh yes, I rembered to buy the sparkling grape juice we always drink every year.

I shopped early so had all my presents way ahead of time. I normally am shopping just the days before Xmas so was proud of myself that I was done. I was really excited about the "big" gift I got my sister...more on that in a minute. I got baby some pit balls and made a cardboard box to put them in, got her some shoes, a paja.na.imal book (she loves that show and it's the only one I found she will sit for 10 minutes for), and fridge magnets. I also got her two blue kid-size chairs for a sesam.e street table I found on the side of the road months ago for free. I was proud about that one. My mom would be proud about that one.

We decided to go to candlelight service at a church we hadn't been to before on Xmas eve. We always used to go w/ my mom, so it was kind of sentimental.  Baby had other plans. She wouldn't sit down more than one minute...wanted to run between the aisles. So, I spent almost the entire time chasing her outside the hall w/ my sister attending service. I was hot/sweaty/and somewhat stressed by the end of it. We ended up going back in during the candle-lighting part which was magical. The candle progression from bottom of church to top (we were on upper level) was warming to watch. I cried.  Stressed and crying.... not what I imagined.

On Xmas day we opened presents.....it was great having my sister here, but honestly w/ just the 3 of us the whole time it felt kind of just...too quiet. Like we were waiting for others to arrive or something. And the big gift I got her...an expensive purse she would never buy herself...she opened it and instead of the "oh wow awesome" she said, no, she couldn't keep it. She didn't want it. Ummmm.ooooof to the gut. I almost started crying right then and there.  I told her I thought she'd be happy about it, but I didn't want to get her something that made her feel bad. I said if she thought the money spent on a mixer was okay, why not money spent on a purse......she finally thought more about it and apologized for her reaction. I think it got to a deeper issue for her about 'deserving' something like that, but I was just happy she felt like she could keep it. We exchanged colors and it ended up working out okay....but it wasn't what I expected.

Something else that I wasn't prepared for was how I would feel starting this FET process. The medication I am taking (lu.pro.n and dex.a.me.thasone steriod and baby aspirin) has really made me exhaus-ted with a capital E (at least I think it's the medication).  I spent a lot of time when my sister was here on the sofa just feeling sooooo tired. I really felt bad because I felt like I had wasted a lot of her trip by being so tired and wanting to rest all the time.  Now, we did get out (had baby sitters on two separate days), but wish I had more energy to do more. Even now that she has left, I have had a lot of trouble 'getting going' during the day....but the minute I put baby down around 7pm, I am up and awake....like could be up until 2 am awake.

It's been a bit tough over the last few days because I went for labs on Monday. Unfortunately my estrogen is super high, so they are going to delay my timeline.  The Dr. thinks it's because a cycle is due and they won't start the rest of the meds until that happens. My only thing w/ that is....they know my body doesn't react normally w cycles....if I was supposed to have one, then I don't know why they didn't just make my body have one to keep the process going. It's making me nervous because let's not forget that I am starting my job at the end of the month....in another state. Still no house yet and still no care lined up.

Here's where it gets tough....today's phone call was not a good one.  I've mentioned in my blog before that I have a friend who is not supportive of me going forward w/ another baby. I've known her going on 11 years now and she is somewhat of a mother-figure age-wise. She may read this blog, not sure, but I can write what I need to.......
Anyway, a few days ago I had asked if I could fly her over here mid Jan so she could be here for my daughter while I was on bedrest for the 2 days required. She said she would check her schedule, but most likely could do it. I then texted her Monday to say it was delayed so no worries.

She called me today to 'talk'.  She basically said in so many words she is not supportive of me moving forward w/ another baby for many reasons......her biggest one is that I had such a complicated/difficult pregnancy last time--haven't I thought about that my daughter needs her mom? I asked her what she meant by that and she thinks it's more important to keep me healthy than risk complications. She also said that unless something miraculous had happened since last time she saw me, that I am not in the shape I need to be to start a pregnancy (this one stung pretty bad). And, have I found a Dr. in my new city to handle my case once I get there? and have I talked to my previous high-risk OB about another pregnancy and does she support it? I told her my reproductive Dr. who I've been seeing for over 5 years is well-aware of my history/case/difficult pregnancy and was supportive of moving forward. But once she realized that the OB was not consulted, she grabbed onto that one pretty firm and said she just doesn't understand why I wouldn't do that. That of course the reproductive Dr.'s goal is pregnancy, but he wasn't there for the entire thing.  So, I agreed I would and called their office today.

Overall very tough conversation.  I haven't had anyone really challenge my decision about family like that and be so open/blunt.  I am not angry at her for bringing up facts that she is concerned about.....but what I told her was most hurtful was that she insinuated that I wasn't thinking about my daughter.  When in fact, that is exactly who I am thinking about in making this decision.
I really need to process it a bit more.

I guess maybe I am in the bloggyland bubble when I read about others who just make it work, difficult pregnancies and all. Maybe I do have on rose-colored glasses. Maybe I am naive to think that I can make it all work and it will all fall into place.
It's kind of interesting to see that when it was the first one, folks were in general pretty positive. Now that it's the secone one, and behind a difficult pregnancy.....tune is different, at least w/ this friend.
The thing that I don't want to have happen is that if it becomes a difficult pregnancy, I get on bed-rest, or what have you.....and I see the 'I told you so' face.  Certainly not going to change my decision because of that, but it makes me feel like I don't really have the physical support because I don't have the emotional support.  Not like my first thought would be, hey, let me call X, I'm not feeling well. you know?

To end on a much needed high note......Watching my baby girl grow into a little toddler over 2013 has been stupendous, amazing, frustrating, and oh so fulfilling.  We started the year w/ an almost 5 month old tiny little baby......and now she is miss personality go-go-go girl. Her communication has flourished, she can tell me what she wants, show me, and walk me there. She still has her dramatic-fling-herself on the floor cry, her whining whining, but she also has unsolicted come to me and given me kisses and hugs that melt my heart.  We are continuously bonding, she is continuously testing boundaries......and she now "reads" me stories. Eats all by herself too. She does this thing where if it's something she really likes she picks it up, chews w/ her mouth closed, squeezes her eyes tight, leans her head back a bit as if to say, Ah, this is so good.

She is blossoming and I can only imagine the changes for 2014. Baby sister or brother and all.
Wishing all of you a Happy New Year.

 



Green Grass

Thanks for the comment on my last post. I do feel better knowing the questions I ask are normal and what we are doing is normal.  W/out other mommy friends around, it's hard to just "know" some of this stuff.

I had such an interesting conversation yesterday w/ my neighbor.  It was sunny and 'somewhat' warm out yesterday so baby and I took a walk down a few houses where the neighbor girls were putting up xmas decorations.  Their mom came out and we sat down in the grass and just caught up while girls played w/ baby. I told her that I had news......we were moving again.  She's a nice lady, only just 5 or so years older than I, but seems much older since she has a 15 and 17 year old. 
The first words out of her mouth were.....I am so envious of you.  Just like that.  I kind of had to think a minute and just simply asked her why she felt that way.
She said because I can just pick up and go wherever and whenever I wanted. I can buy as many houses as I want, I can move to other states.....just go.

The funny thing is.......I envy what she has......she has a husband, his mother lives around the corner, they have a non-moving family home, they have aunts, uncles, cousins galore (they are from here) all around.  What more could you want?  Seems my envy of the deep roots is exactly the opposite of her envy of my utter mobility.

Greener grass, huh?

So, it is getting to be the holidays and I still don't have a house to move to in my new city.  I am just not finding what I am comfortable with....location, price.  I think I've narrowed down where I want to live, but not much inventory. This time of year isn't the best either.  What I have learned, though, is it's possible that to get what I want I will have to build it.  So, moving to another city, build a home, be a single mom, and be pregnant all at the same time.  I think I've lost my mind.
I keep thinking, though, if we are there 5+ years, I better like where I live.

I made one key decision...I decided not to sell my current house. I am going to rent it. I waffled (like I do w/ most big decisions) and made the plunge.  The company will pay me a percentage of the appraisal to keep, so it works out fine.  I've decided if I don't want to keep long term and deal w/ the hassle of renters, I can always sell later.
The idea is that after my assignment, I will move back here. Who knows at that time if I will want to live in this house, but now I have the option.

I also interviewed a nanny when I took my last trip over there....she was 'okay'. I think she knew she didn't want to do what she was doing, but not sure she really wanted to nanny. She needed more money. I didn't get a warm fuzzy from her and had pretty much made up my mind that she was not the person for us. But, I've learned in my years that it's better to let the other person bow out first. So, I sent her an email asking what she thought? Not putting my opinion in there.....and she said she actually prefers a job where she can have some benefits. My intuition was right.
So, the search continues.......
I am almost at the point where daycare may be the option.  It will be an adjust for both of us.....but one thing is that she is very social, and could use some structured learning to her day. It will be much more stimulating, that's for sure.

On baby note, now that I've been home w/ her quite a bit since I am not working and nanny is done, I am finding that I am liking the 'stay at home' idea more. I will certainly go back to work, but I think now that she can communicate more there seems to be less whining and we have a lot of fun. We go to the park, stores, etc. and I just enjoy spending time w/ her.