Dr. Visit

I had a REALLY rough night last night. Fever, aches, pain all over.....I think I ended up taking 5 showers. Slept on and off and sweated through night. I felt not quite as feverish when I got up this morning, but still had a lot of cramping.  I decided to stay home and make a Dr. appointment.  Better to go check things out.

They were able to get me in and ultimately they think I have a virus causing the fever, etc. They will still follow up on urine sample to see if infection, but found no other bleeding internally. Great news.

Here's even better news...they did an ultrasound to check everything out and the baby is doing fantastic. Yup, you heard that right...baby singular!  I saw on the monitor and actually heard the heartbeat. It was 107 beats per minute which she said was very strong.  It was a bit surreal listening to the heartbeat. It was real and alive in my body.  It all happened so quick that the next thing I knew I was being handed some pictures and given a sheet of what medicine I can take, etc..
Now that we did the ultrasound earlier than next Tuesday, I won't go back in for another check up for two weeks.

The tiny little black circle is my baby.

It's interesting because I was really thinking there were two in there. I felt two distinct areas during implantation time. The longer term planner in me was thinking one and done (one pregnancy, two babies, done) but it goes to show you that your body will do only what it is capable of at the time. More babies = more risk. One baby is a lot less risky for baby and mama. I am just thankful that everything appears healthy.

Although, building my family plays into my exit strategy from corporate america.  I do think that I will ultimately want to find a way to move back to where my extended family is, and find a way to work part time w health insurance...may be hard to do. I've got plenty of time to work on that.

I hesitated putting this in here, but I think it goes to show how I struggle w/ my immediate family. I was talking to my sister shortly after the Dr. appointment. She has been having a tough time because she was dating someone and they decided to stop seeing each other. She is in somewhat of a tailspin, at home, crying, etc.. She has these ups and downs...this down I can understand, but not all of them. Anyway, when I told her The Dr. said I probably just have a virus and that there was one baby she said "oh".  I said, "You sound disappointed". She said, "I am, I wanted you to have two".  Maybe it's me being irritable and sick, but I thought that sounded so selfish. Her first thought was what SHE wanted....why wouldn't the response be, thank goodness you're okay and you at least are lucky enough to have one healthy looking baby.  It's comments like those that make me continue to realize that my emotional support is elsewhere. I guess some piece of me keeps hoping.

Oh, my realtor put my house in market today and we got an offer already, but not what we want. Will see. We also have 3 other showings today. May have competing offers which I can only hope for.

And no, have not heard back from contractor who said he was going to get back to me today. Go figure.

Going to rest now.

Woah

I sit here feeling like I got hit by a big ole truck. No kidding.  Let me back up.....

My birthday party was so nice this past weekend...some great friends from out of town and some local friends all had dinner saturday night, food was good, conversation was good....just overall a great time. I felt the support from all of these people and it lifted me up. 

However, before the dinner on Saturday afternoon I was noticing myself wheezing a bit (this happens sometimes when I react to allergens).  Seemed strange but I pulled out my inhaler as that is the only thing normally that works. For some reason it was getting worse and worse and during Saturday night, and by Sunday I couldn't breathe well at all.

So, I hauled myself to an Urgent care.  Since being early pregnant I didn't know what I could and couldn't do for this i.e. did I already mess up by using the inhaler? I also took one zyrtec to get on top of it. They ended up giving me a breathing treatment (never had to do this before) w/ a nebulizer and medicine to clear out my lungs.  Come to find out, my inhaler medicine was GONE, and even if it wasn't, it was expired. Shows you how much I use it.  The Dr. ordered me a new one, my friend went and got it for me, and I've been able to breathe since. Whew.

Issues over?    No.

I laid around most of yesterday, slept on and off, and of course was up last night about 4 hours from 11-3am. I still got up for work this morning and felt just fine, for the most part.  I did some work and around lunch time went to go get a salad (working on the healthy eating).  Everything was fine until around 2 pm.

I noticed I was starting to get cold, a headache.....then my body started aching. I couldn't concentrate on anything.  Then I started shivering and had goosebumps everywhere. What the heck? In addition, I was having major back cramping and uterine cramping most of today. It was getting worse.  Of course I'm thinking the worst and thought about calling my Dr., but I'm so sick of not getting anyone to call me back. I also thought of just driving over there, but I figured I should just go home, take a shower (that's all I could think of....and usually the only thing that soothes me when I am sick). See how I feel after resting.

It is now after resting and 2 long showers later....I still feel sick.  I am still achy, crampy, not hungry, but not nauseous either.  My chest hurts so bad.  Not sure what's wrong.

It could be A) I just picked up the flu or B) This is what 'morning sickness' is.....or C) Other.

All I know is I feel like doo-doo.

This week

It has been a really interesting week.  For a few specific reasons.....

1) I am tapering down my medication and the first day of that wasn't fun. I was really irritated and thought, if this is how it is going to go, I'm not sure I can do this. But yesterday and today was better. I have to go down again in a few days....I am still nervous about this, but I have to give it my best try.
2) I can't get enough tortilla chips/salt. I've eaten mexican 7 times in the last two weeks. Mostly for lunch. I could seriously just sit and eat chips, nothing else. Love them.
3) I feel like my chest is enormous and I feel overall really fat. I feel like everything is just expanding and there's no reason for it yet. My food intake is no different (I swear). In fact, I'm not hungry for sugary stuff so have really cut down on that. What's the deal? My weight is always a concern, but I am getting a bit anxious about it. It's going nowhere but up.
4) I don't feel pregnant. I have no physical symptoms other than #3 above. It's kind of incomprehensible to think that there is something in there, I hope, and it is growing. I almost thought that I should take another home pregnancy test, but then just told myself that would be just ridiculous. I need to wait for the ultrasound in a week and a half. That's what most of this process has been...hurry up and wait. For every little thing, procedure, milestone.
5) I had a very intense cramp the other night. It was in the middle of my uterus. It stayed for maybe up to a minute, then subsided.  I was very nervous wondering, what the heck is going on. I called the Dr. office the next day, and of course couldn't my nurse. They would 'take a message'. To heck w/ it. I have the cell number of the nurse manager and I just called her directly. Why? BECAUSE SHE CALLS ME BACK! My IVF coordinator is a joke. She doesn't respond to emails/calls and always has an excuse as to why she didn't. Anyway, when I talked w/ the manager, she said that it is normal, I am going to have all sorts of things feel different, strange. I should worry if there is heavy bleeding, or intense cramping on one side or the other (could indicate tubal pregnancy). But for me, since Dr. implanted in uterus, don' tknow how it could be tubal.
6) I have lumps in my backside. The progesterone in oil doesn't absorb quickly and when you press on it, you can feel it. It also started to get itchy so I asked the nurse about that too. She said not to worry about that either...unless I see a rash, or something, that's just normal.
7) It's my birthday this weekend (37!)  My good friends are coming from out of town to stay and I am getting together w/ all my local friends on Saturday night. REALLY happy for this.
8) I am selling the house I just bought a few weeks ago. I tried multiple contractors and nothing seems to 'fit'. Either they don't call back w/ a bid, or it's too high, or I can't even get them to get over to the house in the first place. I signed the papers w/ my realtor this week. We will put the sign out this Saturday. I'm not having luck w/ contractors at all because I was trying to get a lawn guy to do the yard and even that one didn't call back. Jeepers. I have one last ditch effort w/ a house contractor that I will meet this Saturday. No reason not to do both because if we can't get what we need in selling it to at least break even, my plans might change.
9) I am extremely unmotivated at work. I can't seem to bring myself to do much other than surf the web (feel very guilty for this as well). It has been like this for two days.  I even went to work w/out make up because I was running late. Now, I am a 'barely there' kind of make up person and I am very pale. So, if I don't even do the basic, I look washed out and sickly.  I at least brought it with me and did it in my office. But c'mon.

BETA #2

Great news....

BETA #2 17dpt: 1615!!

More than double from Friday (358). Well technically the doubling date would have been Sunday because that was the 2 day mark, but who's counting (well, besides me). I've been obsessing over trying to figure out what the Betas 'mean', could it indicate more than one, etc.. The nurse called me today and said that i will have an ultrasound in 2 weeks, around January 24th. That's really the only way to tell what's for sure going on in there.
I got myself to the gym yesterday and feel proud. I worked out and weight lifted. Sore today, but a good sore. Need to keep going to that gym otherwise I am going to get awfully wide. I can tell in my hips.
Same symptoms to report, chest still sore and still having mild cramping. Overall, though, physically I feel pretty well.  I talked to my other Dr. about the lexapro and we are going to try weaning off it over next 8 days. I go down a dosage for next 4 days, lower again for next 4, then off all together. This makes me very nervous, but clearly is in best health interest for a developing baby.

Oh and the other good news today? My known donor responded back.  I had sent an email before Christmas asking him some questions and hadn't heard anything. I was starting to worry that he had changed his mind about open communication.  However, I got the nicest email and he said he is still quite open to remaining in touch. This is all new ground and things can change on his end at any moment. I have to be prepared for that, I get it. But I just feel better knowing his intention is still to be open (at least for now). Mostly for my hopeful future child. This is why I wanted a known donor and chose him--the option of having open communication, whatever that is defined as (goal to be not intruding on his life), and having the option of not waiting until the child is 18 to do so.

What's kinda nice is I don't have to go to the Dr. AT ALL for another two weeks. What a nice change.

BETA

I went in Friday morning to get my blood taken for THE TEST, then went to work. I was waiting and waiting and waiting. I didn't hear from them and was starting to get frustrated.  By 2pm I had to leave work so I could pick up my cat at the hospital. He's been there since Wednesday. I'll say more about that in a minute.

We get home and FINALLY the phone rings. I am nervous even with the 4 home tests that I did. It's a nurse I hadn't talked w/ before and she said she's calling to tell me what I probably already know. Huh? I said what did she mean? She said a 'little birdie' told her that I had done several home tests and they were all positive. I responded w/ "what little birdie, and did it work?" She said yes it did. I asked her if she could just repeat these words "Your test was positive". So she did. I wanted it to be official.

BETA 14 dpt: 358!!

Turns out a good friend of mine was in the office at the exact moment they were calling me about the results. In fact, she's the one that introduced me to the office years ago.  As soon as I got off the phone w/ the nurse my friend sent me a text--then later called to explain she wasn't stalking, she really was just in the right place at exact moment they called.  I thought it was too funny and timing was just perfect.

I only thought maybe 2 seconds about whether I should tell everyone considering it is so early, things can happen, normally people don't say anything until 12 weeks, yadda yadda.  Well I immediately decided that I'd like my friends/family to celebrate w me as soon as I knew something.  This is a journey of highs and lows and celebrate like crazy the highs, and hope lows are few and far between.

So, as soon as I got off the phone w/ the nurse my cousin happened to call to see if I had results...really good talking w/ her because she has 4 kids herself and obviously has some experience. Then I sent an official text out to all of my friends, some family....and talked to my sister, and a few others.  What stood out to me is that there are a lot of people rooting (SP?) for me and that just made me feel loved. Was on the phone on and off most of last night.

Good news is that I still feel pretty good...my chest is still sore, I still have some cramping, but that's about it.
Next step is normally they do a 2 day beta recheck, but since that would be Sunday, I will do on Monday at 8am. Want to see numbers double.

My cat is home and safe. Dr. can't definitively say it IS congenital kidney disease because the kidneys don't present as such in the ultrasound. They still think he has an infectious component, so I am giving him a steroid for the coughing and strong antibiotic for next month. then we recheck labs. In mean time I will start feeding him canned food, better for water content and digestion for him.  He got a few x-rays, ultrasound, IV, blood taken, and catheter (which they had to redo because he pulled it out one night) while he was there. Poor baby.  The ride home he was all frazzled and meowing a sound I haven't heard, then when we got home and he got a bit more settled he could barely keep his eyes open...same w/ today. He is just exhausted. I can totally understand.

No witty post title tonight

I am having a lot of cramping today...it has gotten more so over that last few days. I am worried, of course, because it feels like monthly cramping, and some of them are pretty strong, both sides. I've searched the internet for hours about cramping during 2ww, cramping after what you might think is implantation cramping, and more cramping! How many times can I say that word in one post? I have 5 days until the blood test...c'mon already....

Oh, and long story short I may sell my new house. You will learn this about me....I can do some unpredictable things sometimes, but I don't stress about it. It always works out.

I met the friend of my realtor today who gave me some more subcontractor names, etc..but what overwhelmed me was the number of subcontractors I'd have to manage and the time commitment. I asked him how often he goes to job site as a general contractor and he said 3 x a day. Umm....what?!  I realize that's what general contractors do, and my original plan was to have a general contractor. First one fell through, another company too much $$$, and it just seems unreasonable for me to do it myself. 

So, I have one last ditch effort w/a contact the guy gave me today. The 'new guy' texted me and we will talk some time this week. I need to see if he is willing and capable of doing some general contract work, costs estimates, etc.. etc..

If I am not comfortable I'll just sell. I already talked to my realtor tonight about what that might entail, and if it's possible to break even. It just may be.

Always something in my world.

Thoughts

I feel like maybe I'm losing my mind.  All I can think about is SMC/Babies/Fertility. I search the internet constantly, read blogs like there's no tomorrow, and get this.....even at the park I went to today and walked the whole thing (so proud of myself because I didn't think I could do it) I kept checking out all of the jogging strollers.

My mind at the park: "Oh, there goes a stroller w/ an infant seat...that baby is probably 4 months old at the oldest...too young to be in a really bumpy stroller, right?...I wonder if the baby is cold? Ooooh, I like that red one, and look, it's got storage at the bottom!  Oh my, I bet these guys are identical twins....I wonder if she had IVF to make them? And on and on for the entire walk around the park......

I'm obsessed.

One thing I notice I am doing....oh wait, I must confess...I did another home pregnancy test today. I thought it would be ridiculous to post another picture of the same thing 3 days in a row....but good news, it was the same.  If only that darn blood test would hurry up.
Back to what I am starting to do....I am starting to be super-hyper sensitive to all feelings going on my body. Any little twinge my mind says "Is that the baby un-implanting?" How many are in there, maybe 2, and one is not strong enough? Could it be burrowing deeper?"  I am also sensitive to the fact that even though the stick reads pregnant, I really don't feel any different.  I am thinking I should be thankful right now since some people start getting all kinds of crazy.....but it just makes me worry, like it isn't real and it didn't work.

I'm obsessed.

A friend asked me today if I was super excited and I honestly had to say not yet. I guess my cautious side is keeping me from celebrating. I did get a pang of excitement when I thought about shopping for my own little one.  The other thing I am worried about is weight. The weight I have now, and the weight I will get. One thing I can control is how much I exercise and that is something I commit to doing regularly.

I hope all of this is normal....maybe not the completely obsessive part, that's just part of my personality.