Boom. My mom can fix anything!

Over the years I’ve gotten pretty creative and able to fix a lot of things….bike chains that have fallen off, broken light bulbs stuck in sockets, toys, something cut that wasn’t supposed to be cut.  I’m pretty proud of myself for just digging in, even if I have no idea what I’m doing.  Because it’s either me, OR I pay someone else to do it.

 This past weekend my son had a friend over, Ata, and they were playing with the marble run (such a great toy that they still play with) and two pieces were stuck together. My son tried his best to break them apart, even getting out a fork and knife to make it work.  I was in my girl’s room folding clothes when he comes in and asks if I can fix it.  How often I hear, “Mom! Can you fix this?!” I was able to take the two pieces and with some strength and fingernail pry them apart. My son happily runs out of the room shouting to his friend, “Boom. My mom can fix anything!” My heart burst with pride.  Having my kids think that of me just makes me feel great. Maybe even deeper than that, they can rely on my for whatever they need, and even deeper than that….they aren’t missing a Dad who maybe would be the one to do those things.

Ha….my girl is home sick today and as I’m typing this message at my laptop at the dining room table, she comes in and says, ‘Mom, can you help me?’….she had somehow gotten her milkshake spilled underneath her ipad screen. So, there I went disassembling the case (which is no small task), we clean up all the liquid, crumbs, dust and just yuck that accumulates….put it back together, good as new! Whenever I am able to do something or fix something for them I say, “Who’s the best mom everrrrr?!” and of course they say , “YOU!”.  I’m learning parenting joys are all about these little things.

And little my kids are not. They are now growing that my girl is 10 and likely 5 ft tall by now and weighs 100 lbs. My son is 8, well over 4ft tall and last we checked weighs 75 or 77 lbs. I just got a text from a long time friend who’s girls I grew up with….I was telling her all about both kids playing basketball and how I remembered when I played sports my mom sat on the bottom bleacher at every game, and I’m going to do the same for my kids. She says, enjoy it, it really goes fast. It does.  I’m going to have a middle schooler/junior high kid this fall. Just NO! Yes….but no!

 We went to the junior high for an orientation a few weeks back. I’m not going to lie, after we first walked in and sat down, I wanted to cry. I was just a bit overwhelmed. We took my girl and her friend Parker. The school is massive, as most schools are here…it was likely bigger than my entire school that I went to growing up where we had K-12 at one school. I had 33 kids in my senior class if that tells you how small of a town and school I grew up in. My town only had 800 people, no stop signs, and no grocery stores. We had to drive 20 minutes to the nearest everything. We had 1 gas station with a convenience store attached.

Of course I’m used to the size here now…my son’s class has 6 2^nd grade classrooms…say 22 each, that’s 130 kids for just second grade. I think our school K-5^th has just over 800 kids and that’s only elementary. And supposedly we are one of the smaller campuses.  I can say I haven’t loved our school….I don’t hate it, but don’t love it. That’s likely another post. I always have envy because we have another elementary just a few miles away from ours that parents rave about whenever I ask them about it.  We just aren’t zoned to it, even though we are close to both. In order to go to the other school we would have had to move, and that just hasn’t seemed reasonable the last several years. I really like our cul de sac and we’ve built up some good relationships with the neighbors and other kids in the neighborhood. Both of my kids have good friend groups. But, I still wonder how different things might have been for us. And now, it’s too late for my girl. She’s finishing up her 5^th grade already.

 Anyway, the orientation itself was good. We got a good idea about class selection, and what I did like was they require a fine arts selection…it must be in theater, art, choir, band, or orchestra. My daughter is sooo excited about theater, she put that as her first selection. She wants to work on backstage designs, etc.. The thing is, she’s always been interested in art, but is adamant that she wants theater. So, I let her make that her first choice.  We’ll find out in August what her schedule will be.  I looked around at the teacher population that was there….it was mixed in age, and the science teacher had purple hair. It seems the principal is brand new this year, so will see how that goes. They also will have a week long ‘camp’ for incoming 6^th graders in August which I think is excellent.  And also, tomorrow they are taking the girls from her 6^th grade school over to do a site visit for a few hours to tour more of the campus. I’m not exactly sure why they are splitting by gender, but there must be a reason. I think the good news is, my girl seems excited. That’s probably the best outcome of all this so far…..she’s excited.

And, other than her sickness just these past few days, she’s actually been “knock on wood” pretty healthy since beginning of December. We’ve had a really good run of her feeling better, sleeping better, and her behavior has gotten SO much better.  We haven’t had nearly the issues like we’ve had in the past. She is hugging and kissing on me a lot more.  Of course there are still challenges in that her and her brother bicker all. The. Time……but I’ll take that any day over the struggles we’ve had in the past. She also still shows some signs of anxiety when we go to stores, public, etc….but those are limited times, and specific to situations.  It wasn’t that long ago we were dealing with issues every single night, so things have really really improved and I can’t be more thankful. I can only hope that continues.

 What goes up must come down, right?  Well, as my daughter’s situation has improved a lot, my son’s on the other hand has completely taken a nose dive.

 I think what kicked his issues off is right at Christmas break my son was fitted with an orthodontic expander. As I mentioned, it is fitted to both sides of his upper mouth and metal goes between both, but not all the way to the roof of his mouth.  He hasn’t ever complained that it hurt, so it didn’t occur to me it could be bothering him. I just noticed his behavior was increasingly irritable.  He became a lot more short-tempered, shouting a bit more, etc.. And the way the expander works is after it was installed for a month, we started putting a little ‘key’ into a hole in the device, and turning it one turn every night for 25 nights. I think we are on night 17 tonight. Those turns essentially make his upper mouth ‘expand’ by pushing it against his teeth. Then, he’ll leave it on expanded for another 7 months, for a total wear time of 9 months.  I’m not in love w/ it in the fact that he’s had a hard time eating with it, has choked a few times, he doesn’t like to swallow so his spit collects and I have to remind him to swallow, and it affects his speech. As a parent, I question myself sometimes in these things….like getting braces for my girl, and doing this expander for my son. In theory it makes sense, but I’m just struggling w/ how rough it has been since we started the process.

 Not only the irritability, but he’s just been soooo sassy. He’s been backtalking a ton, arguing—as an example I’ll say please take out the recycle. He’ll tell me it’s not his turn, ask me what his sister is doing?, trying to see if it’s ‘fair’, etc..and it takes a minute or two to get him to do it.  This is a big change because in the past, he would say ‘ok’, and just do it. He’s mostly been a compliant child and it doesn’t take much to discipline him. I got so frustrated with him the other day that I actually shouted at him. I can’t remember too many times I’ve had to do that. The biggest issue is he hears me, but just doesn’t do what I ask. For example, hey son, please get ready for bed. Next thing I know he’s wandered off, found something to mess with, and is not getting himself ready for bed at all. Then I’ll remind him, and so it goes. I think the thing is, he’s like silently protesting. He knows what he needs to do, he just plain doesn’t want to do it. A friend of mind recently said he’s also likely going through a new ‘stage’ and that hadn’t occurred to me either. And yes, he probably is….he’s 8 now and of course he’ll start going through some things…I just wasn’t ready or aware, I guess.

 The one that I struggle with a lot is that he is also quietly provoking his sister. It’s likely he’s always been this way, I just didn’t notice too much his tactic because the louder one (my girl) usually was my focus.  She’s a screamer, you’ll know what she’s up to. But him…..he’s just quiet about it, with a little smirk to go with it. For example, like getting near to his sister, she says get away, he doesn’t move knowing it will irritate her. And just not moving until it escalates.

He’s also been throwing things, shouting, and frankly just been miserable.  I keep saying he’s been a bear. Not a whole lot of fun to be around these days.

If this is a phase, I sure hope he moves through it quicker. It’s exhausting.

 My girl has picked up on it a lot too in that she says, ‘Sorry mom he’s being mean to you’. She genuinely feels bad for me. I tell her that of course that’s for me to handle and to please not worry. We’ve also had conversations that likely that’s what her brother felt like when she was having her issues. I think she’s understanding more about what it’s like to observe and see your sibling acting out. It’s not fun for anyone. The reality is, he’s not being ‘mean’ per se, he’s just extremely fussy, argumentative, and irritable all wrapped up in one. And lucky us, his allergy shots with his new provider start this week. Oy.

 And, we are likely getting a dog to add to the mix.  I’ve done a ton of research, we’ve talked to and emailed a lady who our neighbor used a few years ago, and likely we will be getting a mini goldendoodle. We need hypoallergenic for both my son and I. We need small (well, I want small) and little to no shedding.  The puppy litter was born on my birthday which is great, and will be ready to come home mid march. We have time to get all of the supplies, etc. and come up w/ a plan to make the transition go well. My original plan was to get the new puppy starting end of may so the kids will be out of school, but this litter has just made the most sense for us. It’s one of the few litters that are very small-likely they will be 10-20lbs full grown and that’s all the bigger I want. I haven’t committed 100% to my girl, but I told her it’s possible. It’s not until we actually go pick up the dog that I will say yes, we are doing this. I don’t want to get her hopes up if something falls through. We will see. I’m a bit nervous about this adventure but I think it’s time.

I’m still spending an hour or two every day helping my sister with her client billing, Im looking around at market for jobs, not sure what I really want to do yet—I always keep me eye out so that is nothing new. I’m working on eating at home more and that’s going really well. I think it was a habit that took some time to break….I don’t crave it like I used to. I’ve been eating a lot of soup and sandwiches and I’m feeling better. I’ve also started walking 30 minutes, not everyday, and certainly not when it’s 40 degrees like it is today…but I really like how I feel when I move my body more. After walking I also do a lot of stretching which also is good. I’m noticing things hurt a bit more like my heel, etc. but stretching is always good for me. I also made a list of a bunch of things I need to do for self care and am starting to go down the list—got my annual eye exam which I haven’t done in years….I had lasik in 2006 so my distance is great, but my up close is starting to get worse….sadly. I’m 48 and just this year I started using a pair of readers for my iphone at night. I am now saying to the kids, ‘c’mere and read this for me’. GAH! I had my annual physical and labwork, I’m getting a derma something facial for the first time. My complexion is in need of a boost. I’m going to get my teeth whitened again, I’m getting my tooth implant done this Thursday, then a few months after that they can put the crown on and I’ll be back to a full smile. This one has gone much more smoothly than the upper one, thankfully. I have found that if I have a list that I check off, I feel much more productive and satisfied that I’ve accomplished some things.  I am working on getting a colonoscopy scheduled. It’s been less than 5 years since my last one, but GI issues is something I always worry about because my mom died from a GI carcinoid cancer that metastasized to her liver at 67. The other ‘fun’ thing I’m looking into is getting my eyebrows microbladed. I’ve researched that too and am fascinated. Even though I have light brown hair now (with blonde highlights), my eyebrows are pure white. There is hair there, but you literally can’t see them. My son inherhited them too! He also inherited my green eyes. He really is my mini me. Anyway,  I pencil my brows in when I go to a job, but otherwise I wear no make up at all everyday. I’m the true soccer mom where my daily outfit consists of a kids soccer team shirt, leggings, and a messy bun w/ no make up. I want to see about it. I was supposed to go to my consultation today, but with my girl home sick I will have to reschedule.

 Fun stuff. I’m staying busy with my and my kids’ things and yes, I’m still taking my morning nap. And yes, I still enjoy it, without the self-judgement.

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year

I’m so happy to say that our last few months have been really really good.  Knock on wood everyone finally is healthy for a few weeks now and we got to just enjoy the holidays. I couldn’t have been more proud of myself—I was finished shopping before Dec 24, AND…..I wrapped everything before Dec 24. That is major folks. Just major. I actually started shopping in October. Normally I’m all stressed, scrambling to get exactly what I’m looking for, feverishly wrapping the night of xmas eve after church service. That’s the normal schedule.

It just felt so smooth this year….I think part of my strategy was to start early and outsource. My daughter loves wrapping so I asked her if she wanted to wrap all of my gifts to my sister. She of course said yes, so she and I did it together. There is no doubt she will be a leader someday. She wanted me to ‘help’, but when I tried to do a few things she got frazzled and she just said, ‘Can you just watch?’. Lol.

 The one thing I struggled with was outfits….my girl is very particular and of course for both not all sizes are created equal. I felt like I purchased (and returned) a ton of things because they just didn’t work. My son has thick legs and so the skinnier jean trend just doesn’t work for him. I wanted the outfits for 3 reasons, 1) In the past I’ve done mini professional photo sessions in October and this was one thing I wasn’t on the ball about. So, last year and this year I used my ‘good’ camera and went to a local park to take our xmas card picture, and then I usually make a few prints and make kitchen magnets as well to give as gifts. 2) Pictures with Santa and 3) Christmas eve church service.

 For pictures with Santa, I was totally on the ball w/ this as well because I scheduled a visit ahead of time and remembered to do it! So we had a reservation and on Dec 17 so it was a quick pop in and a short wait. As usual, my son expressed his displeasure about the experience—I think almost every year before this one he’s been crying and fussing in the line, which to be fair almost every year he’s been sick around xmas time.  The good thing is this Santa is my favorite and he’s been doing it for years and he’s out at our mall. I have to say I was a bit sad because my daughter said she wasn’t too into Santa pictures this year as we were riding over. Actually, the only reason I every did them every year was because she got so excited to do them. I’m not sure why other than she said she doesn’t like getting ‘dressed up’ because I usually make her wear her gorgeous curls down. It gets in her face, so 99.9% of the time she wears her hair in a ponytail.

 Christmas eve service was just ok….there are some new pastors and I can’t say I’m a fan. We go once a year and my hope is to leave feeling a bit uplifted, however this one pastor kept saying how he knows how everyone’s life is a ‘mess’, we all have ‘struggles’…..by far my life is not a mess. I understand his point, but it just rubbed me a kind of way hearing it over and over when honestly I think life is going pretty great.

 Xmas day went well, my sister cooked a prime rib, we made a potato casserole, and some vegs. Of course sparkling grape juice.  The entire trip with my sister went the best I think it has. There were no issues/confrontations/moods/lashing out. It was even and positive, which is all I’ve ever wanted from her. She’s working on building her relationship w/ my son because he’s still a bit wary of her tone, etc. Also, I realized she has a more authoritarian style than I do, which he’s not used to at all…..but they played Yahtzee together and talked a few times so I think it was good.

One of the best hits of presents was the game of LIFE. My girl played it at her friends house and now both my son and my girl play together (gasp) and really enjoy it. I love to see them playing more together and not bicker all. The. Time.

 Oh, right before xmas on December December 16^th and December 19^th my son is now officially in his ortho phase 1.  I decided on a new orthodontist this time—she’s the sister of our pediatric dentist. She recommended an expander for 9 months and after the first 4 months, she’ll put braces on the top 4 teeth, and possibly the bottom 4 teeth. This is done supposedly to widen the palate then let it fuse in place. This will create spacing for all the teeth to be able to drop in. In theory, I understand how it’s supposed to work….in practice, my son has a metal contraption glued to both sides of his upper teeth and runs along the top, but not all the way to the top. He’s had it in about a week and half and let’s just say that hasn’t been so smooth.  On the 16^th they put in these ‘spacers’ on his back teeth to prepare for the install. Then on the 19^th, they installed/glued the expander in. I didn’t immediately connect it, but he has been very….very….very fussy since then.  He’s not complained it hurts, so I didn’t think it was bothering him. But, it clearly has been. They said it should stop ‘bothering’ him after at least 2 weeks, so we will see.  He had to relearn how to swallow, and he’s not swallowing as much so his spit collects and I have to remind him to swallow. In addition, it is affecting his speech which I’m sure his speech therapist at school will love.  I can only hope this was the right thing to do, as I didn’t love for my girl she had a whole set of braces on her pretty straight teeth on the top and the bottom just to make room for a tooth, and she’ll likely need another set of braces when all her teeth come in because they aren’t completely straight anymore. We will see how this approach goes. The next step is after a month, we start to use a key to make quarter turns in it everynight until it gets as wide as it is supposed to. My question is….so how does the bottom widen?

 As for school, we are still having some challenges for my son--ironically, it’s because it’s still not challenging for him. I reached out to his teachers on 2 occasions now including conferences and I’m pretty disappointed--not getting much traction. For example,  I waited two months for a return email about what we can do to help him be more challenged with math IN the classroom and her reponse was that the instructional coach said he could do XYZ at home. So I waited 2 months for her to tell me what we can do more at home. Not helpful at all.  I think I’ll need to escalate to the assistant principal or principal at this point. We had the same issues last year, and nothing seems to be different. The teachers said they can’t teach beyond the current year’s curriculum, which is a shame, but there has to be something they can do. My son says the only day he really likes is when he’s in his GT class on Friday and they are learning about topics and working with logic, etc..  They actually keep all GT kids in one classroom, so 2 others Aarav (his best buddy) and Cora are in his classroom as well. I’ve really gotten to know Aarav’s mom Neha because our boys have been in two soccer seasons together, currently basketball, and have been in the same classroom last year and this.  She’s also having the same struggles with the school. She’s actually been researching private school because she has an older son in 4^th grade who is also GT, and she said it’s not any different. I wasn’t planning on private school, but I’d consider. It just makes me wonder is it our teachers, our school, our district? I’ve not been in love w/ our elementary since the start. When anyone asks I say it’s ‘fine’.  We’ve had I’d say 1 outstanding teacher for both my kids--Mrs. Schau for my daughter’s 3^rd grade, and she’s no longer at the school.

Over the break my son has started hanging out w/ the basketball crew he plays with in league (Aarav, Pedro, Ata, and my son).  The moms have rotated around having the boys over so they can just get their energy out while not in school. It’s been a real treat to keep my son occupied while I spend some time w/ my girl and go do things I need to do. Well, the boys were all in our backyard yesterday for soccer (my son is a bit obsessed w/ soccer these days along w/ playing yahtzee) and basically they busted out multiple things: 1) the light 2) the fence and 3) the garage. Big sigh.  Although honestly I’d rather have them outside playing than on their devices all day, so there’s that. Add the fixing to my list.

 

Hit Number 1

Hit Number 2

Hit Number 3

My girl has hit just a really lovely stage right now where she says I love you many times a day and get this—I even get kisses on the cheek. She asks to lay in my lap in the rocking chair. She’s always been a kid where it’s on her terms….and I think since she’s been feeling better she is just showing affection more and more. Heart burst. I’ve also noticed a step change in her maturity over the last few months…..we’ve been practicing and I’ve been modeling for years when you lose your temper or do something you probably shouldn’t do…..when you calm down, you go back to the person and apologize.  It’s something I’m very proud of doing because no one wants to admit they were wrong, but I feel so strongly that kids need to see it and hear it that parents aren’t always right. Parents make mistakes….and it’s ok. We learn and grow from them. Part of that is to own it. It’s really impressive, actually, because she’s doing at 10 what some grown adults still can’t do.

 So, especially over the last few weeks when my girl has lost her temper at me, she’s taken herself out of the room….then maybe five minutes later she’ll come find me and say mom, I’m sorry. I thank her and say how proud I am of how she’s handling herself.  Another example, our neighbor boy Teddy came over and the kids were playing Yahtzee. I was in the other room and I start hearing there is ‘betting’ going on in the game. Somehow pokemon cards were part of the bargaining and somehow Teddy was ending up with most of them. I basically put a stop to it because I had told both my girl and Teddy before that they are not allowed to ‘trade’ because Teddy’s been known to be a bit slick and end up w/ a bunch of cards—not ok w/ me. So, of course when I told her no, she was extremely upset. She started yelling and saying no, and how unfair it was, and on and on. I held firm so Teddy left and she went to her room.  About 15 minutes later she comes out right up to me and says mom, I’m sorry. I explained to her WHY I said no, and that I thought it was unfair and I didn’t want her to lose her good cards. She said she understood and apologized a few more times.

What I’m so proud to see is that I didn’t ask her to do any of it. She decided on her own to remove herself, take some time to think, calmed down, and came out and apologized.  It really warms my heart to see that even we’ve had some very serious tough times, we both figured out a way to work through things and communicate to a resolution.  She very much wants to talk things through before going to bed if anything is bothering her or she feels is unresolved. So so proud. This is big for her. In the past, she had a really hard time admitting she was at fault for anything.

 Just as a follow up on basketball I did end up sending an email to the head coach. My girl was struggling a bit w/ the assistant coach and at only age 10, there’s no reason a coach should be using a punitive style and be negative. So not necessary. Thankfully, the head coach got the message and the assistant really turned it around, especially for my girl. I was appreciative of his efforts. Hopefully it will stay that way.

 Also, in a few weeks on January 10^th we go to middle school orientation. Oh em gee. Can’t even believe it. We apparently learn about electives, what to choose, how it all works, etc.. Apparently they’ve been talking between the girls at school because my daughter says she wants to choose drama stage crew. I know absolutely nothing about the process, the new school, how it all works so I have a lot to catch up on. I’m not ready.

 One of my very favorite ‘gifts’ this year came from my daughter. She had given me an ‘I love mom’ tumbler/insulated cup that she ordered (with the help of my sister) from amazon…however, it wasn’t just the cup that was so cute and thoughtful…..she included a tiny card with it. When I opened it up I just started crying. It said” thank you for being the only 1 that TRULY understands ME.  P.S. write down a Free thing such as chores here” with an arrow and a few lines. When I opened it I asked her, ‘You really feel that way?’ (I had no idea) and she said yes, she does….and we hugged and hugged. I just wept because I’ve been trying so hard over the years to let her know that while I’ve made mistakes, I’ve tried my absolute best to be there for her, help her, connect with her, support her….and this just said to me that she sees it. I felt so bonded w/ her in that moment. What a gift.

 And then there’s me….I thought I’d feel a bit more melancholy about the end of the year—highs/lows of 2022, thinking about how fast times goes, etc….but I really don’t feel that way. In this moment I feel somewhat content. I’m thankful I’m not working and don’t have that heavy load to bear and I’m thankful my children are doing well. I’m thankful for the time I’m investing in being a stay at home mom, going to their events, making dinner, keeping up the house…it’s a full time job w/out the check. I’m also thankful that helping my sister w/ her business has turned into something I really truly enjoy and look forward to. It’s also strengthened our relationship.

 Some things to work on for the upcoming year, call them New Year’s resolutions if you will: I still have a lot of anxiety I’d like to look deeper at. I worry a lot about the kids when they aren’t here….it’s not just the basic, ‘I hope they are ok’ type thing it’s, hey you can’t go to that event an hour from here (because I’m worried about someone else driving you and I couldn’t bear if something happened kind of thing).  Not going to a new year’s celebration because I’m worried about the ‘what if’s’.  In the past, my anxiety hasn’t really prevented me from doing certain things, so I am noticing it trickle in a bit more with me and I’m projecting it onto the kids.

 There’s always the usual ‘get more healthy’, but this year I’d like to actually make progress w/ this. I’ve decided that I think a lot about this, but fail to really make actual progress. I think I need to make an actual plan and I really need some outside help. Relying on myself and thinking about different programs hasn’t worked for me. I need to figure out what this might/could look like in 2023 and just do it and act instead of just think. I think therapy could be a good tool for this one. Also,  I need to take advantage of the ‘time’ I have not working because soon enough, I’m sure that will change and I’ll head back to work.

 And the other thing is…I need to get a new bed! I haven’t slept consistently in my room/bed for about a year. I sleep in the living room in the recliner or the couch because I’m in a more upright position. I’ve got a bad snoring problem (I’m told) and do have mild sleep apnea…so sleeping more upright is the best way I can get the deepest sleep. Even w/ sleeping this way, I still wake about every 3 hours all night. Funny enough I sleep the best in our crappy old 10+ year old falling apart sofa.  I need to invest in an adjustable bed, it is a must. It will help me get back into my room at night and perhaps contribute to my overall wellbeing with good sleep hygiene. Now that I think about it, why isn’t this at the top of my list? Perhaps it goes to the ‘self-care’ lack thereof I became aware of. I’ve just made do because I haven’t made it a priority…also because making large purchases kicks my anxiety into gear and it’s hard for me to make decisions. I think that’s also why I’ve avoided it.  The thing is, it’s not even about the money. This needs to be a goal I achieve in 2023.

 And that’s all I can think of right now.

On a positive note, I’ve got new tenants in my bungalow rental starting Jan 1 and they wanted to lease for 18 months…hurrah.  I’m really proud of the work I’ve put into updating the property. From after the freeze in 2021, I’ve updated the house interior, the garage apartment interior, new appliances in the house, the exterior of the house and garage, and landscaping.  It’s turned out adorable and I would live there myself. My plan is to keep it long term so it was time to invest in some upgrades. I’ve now been able to increase the rent so 500/mo w/ the house and 200/mo w/ the apartment. Hoorah!  

 

Isn't she cute?

Goodbye 2022, hello 2023!!

Happy New Year!

PS Sunflower I read your post and I empathize with you. It is so hard year after year when your loved one isn't here. I think about my mom daily...and I was hopeful something would fill that void/hole, but nothing has for me. Of course I have the memories, but I just wish I had something more. My thoughts go out to you/your family.

Happy Thanksgiving

 I wanted to at least post before the end of November....I've got 1 day to spare.  Last week for Thanksgiving was a bit of a mixed bag. I wasn't sure what to do this year, although the only plan I did make was I didn't want to fly anywhere. Other than that, I wanted our week to be flexible and open to options.

It's a good thing I did that because sure enough, my son last weekend kept saying his throat was hurting. I assumed it was a regular sore throat so at his 8 year well-visit the Dr. says after looking, "Hey, um...so I think we should test him for strep". And yes, positive. Then, after starting the antibiotics last Monday, on Tuesday morning he wakes up with a rash all over his legs, arms, cheeks, etc. I called the nurse who told us to come back again. Dr. wanted to see if it was possibly viral, but she is thinking he has a penicillin allergy.  Add it to the 70 other things he's allergic to. She was able to switch to another antibiotic and all is well now.

Once he was feeling a bit better we were also able to go to our Embassy suites hotel again this year. We had some hard/sad things happen at the first E hotel we stayed at i.e. my Dad passing, my son knocking out two teeth and fracturing his cheek on the bedside table corner. Bad mojo, so last year we stayed at a new one, and went back to the same this year. The pool was out of commission that night, which was a bummer, because after we spent the night the next day my girl reeeeally didn't want to go, so we decided not to. It was cold as well, so I wasn't too upset.

Our plan after the hotel was to also go to a very small theme park about an hour from here, but we got sooo much rain last week, we had to just make do with hanging out at home until weather got better. In the meantime we were able to go shopping for a new bike for my girl. She just keeps growing so much that her seat can't be extended anymore (she's almost 5 ft tall and she's only 10). This is her 4th new bike, from the itty bitty with training wheels, to the one she learned to ride for real, to a bigger one, to one now I think she should be able to use until she's well into teenager years. The only thing is, it's making a loud noise while spinning so I need to take it back in to see if something needs adjusted.

After the rain rain rain, it finally cleared up enough to where Sunday we were able to make it to the theme park. My girl was super excited about the whole thing and my son was, well, a bit nonchalant. At first he didn't really want to go....but I'm not sure he understood all the different type of rides they had. In addition, neither of them had ever been on a roller coaster before. As for me, it's the first time in my life where I had to check weight limits and also see whether I could actually fit on rides. It actually turned out to be a non-issue as I didn't hit any limit and was able to ride everything the kids did. That's not to say it was super comfortable and roomy. We started off with the high swings, and I've realized heights is not my thing anymore. Then we decided we should go for the roller coaster. I squished myself into the seat and would have done what I had to, as this mama wasn't about to send her kids out on it by themselves. I don't even have the words for how roller coasters and free falling feels at 47. Frightening, painful, it's like my brain was knocked around a bit, wobbly afterwards. I don't recommend it.  I was in the car behind my two and watched as my son's head (who is a few inches taller than 4 ft) kept hitting on the side of the car when we swung around the sharp turns.  I asked them what they thought and neither could decide. I asked if they wanted to go again and they said no way.  We spent the rest of the time going on the carousel (which I absolutely hated because apparently I now have a major fear of heights and there is no seatbelts in those things!) I squeezed my son's hand until it turned red. My daughter felt the same way and both of us said it's the worst ride ever. My son sat there cool as a cucumber. It was sweet he offered his hand to both of us girls as we fretted the entire time.

Our final hurrah was the spinny cups you sit in....and it was so cool because all 3 of us could go in one and my daughter said it best, it wasn't scary, but it was thrilling! We all squealed and laughed and it was the perfect ride to end our time. In fact, we all liked it so much we did it one last time. Then headed home and prepared for this week we are in now.

It's definitely back to the busy schedule as both kids decided to play basketball this season and my son's first practice was last night, and my girls was tonight. My son has practice Mon and Thurs and my girl has practice on Tues and Thurs, and she has a bible group every other Tuesday so today, she went to school, straight from there home w/ her friend, then went to bible study, then I picked her up and we scarfed down dinner, then went to basketball practice. This has got to be the busiest day she's had in her whole life.

I am a bit worried for her as she will likely adjust ok as long as she doesn't get sick. We struggled w/ that during her soccer season in that her sicknesses lingered and it just wasn't possible to finish out the season. I am hoping hoping that she can maintain and hang in there. I was pretty impressed with how much they were teaching the kids about basketball fundamentals and even game play in the first practice.  I always watch really close the coaches to see how they do. The head coach seems good with his tone and instruction, but the assistant coach, well, let's just say he's a bit more short, abrupt, and loud. I'm not sure how my girl will respond to that, but will see. She made me promise when I watched practice that I wouldn't say a word--so other than a brief "Good Job" and I got the eye, I kept quiet.

On the way home my heart burst with pride....I was impressed with how well she just jumped in, even though she was nervous, and even though it was all new. She could tell one of the girls was struggling so I saw her try to show the girl what she needed to do. I also saw how she kept trying to do what assistant coach asked her even though he made her do it 3 times in a row. She didn't give up. I'm such a sap, I told her in the car on the way home how proud I was of her. And it was so sweet, she said she was proud of ME for not yelling out in the gym, even though I wanted to. It was a great bonding moment.

I felt like the whole Thanksgiving week we just bonded a bit more. I specifically leaned into her by trying to find her and just lay with her on the bed, for example. She also struggled falling asleep many of the nights so instead of sending her back to her room, I let her lay on the couch. And when she went back into her room she asked if I would hold her hand. So, off we'd go and I'd sit on the side of her bed and hold her hand. Sometimes she'd ask 3 times and instead of saying no, I just went in and tried to comfort her. Lot of hugs and it really was wonderful.  That's not to say there weren't challenges because there were. She was still somewhat irritable some of the time and sadly, I noticed her anxieties picking up. She gets quite a bit more anxious in new places and in public.  Not sure what to do there other than watch and see.  I'm trying to get us established with a new primary care that is part of a 'system' that is in our network. Well, today I called and to establish as a new patient they said first available is in January. I just don't get it. I really don't. We live too far from the medical center for it to be our primary care office and I can't understand why these things are hard for us. It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

My son also really impressed me at his first basketball practice. He's a lot more sensitive to the coaching style so I was really paying attention to coach Brandon in his practice. My son's the type of kid that has a hard time with constructive coaching because he doesn't want to feel like he made a mistake. I've been working on helping him understand that's what coaches do....they help you get better. They want you to be better. He seemed to get on ok w/ the coach.  He also showed me how the many hours and hours he goes outside and plays basketball in our driveway has helped him become an aggressive, confident player. Very proud indeed.  Both kiddos seem happy with joining so far and I can't wait to see how they progress this season.

I love sports...I always have. I like the competition, getting sweaty, gritty, don't think you can give more and do....it's just something that's stayed with me. I played organized sports starting in junior high...I think back and my kids have been in organized sports since age 3+ starting with soccer, then flag football, and also basketball. I didn't start until I was 13 years old! I played all 4 sports in junior high--volleyball, basketball, track, and softball. We didn't even have soccer or swimming (didn't have a pool in our town). As I got older I found out I was pretty darn good at volleyball and over time, just focused on volleyball. In highschool my senior year I went back to playing basketball mostly because my mom wanted me to. I was a pleaser with my mom for sure. If she really wanted me to do something, I totally would and did it. Then I continued playing volleyball in college for 3 years, then I transferred from the small college in my home state, to a neighboring state college where I had a boyfriend. Go figure. I continued to play volleyball in pick up leagues, and when I went to graduate school I joined the traveling club volleyball team there. That's where I injured my right shoulder with a SLAP injury and took a few years off until I had surgery in 2003 (I think?). After that and rehab, I was able to play again and I joined a gay men's volleyball league. Most of my closest friends at the time were gay men, so there you go, I joined them playing volleyball for several more years. Then, around 2006 my mom came to live w/ me and my playing slowed....then the years afterwards.....then I started on my journey to motherhood and haven't played since.

It's not until this moment that I realized how much a part of my life volleyball/sports in general has been. And how playing them has slowly faded out. I kind of got sad just now thinking about all the teammates, tournaments, competition, traveling on the buses, etc.and miss those days. I honestly couldn't play at this moment because I can't run (my knees aren't great bending). I do go out in the driveway and shoot hoops, etc. with the kids and I kick the soccer ball around, but never did play that sport so don't know what I'm doing there.

That's something one of the counselors along the way was trying to get me to see is that I have lost focus on doing things for me after starting the motherhood journey. When I say I went feet first, all in, I really did. It became my mission to research as much as I could and then start trying to conceive, having the kids, and here we are 11 years later my life has been consumed with motherhood and my children. I don't go out at nights, I don't date, I don't play sports, I'm not in any clubs...I mom. That's exactly what I wanted to do, and why I had kids....but haven't explored the 'me' part of 'me' in such a long time. But let's be real...as a single mom, when do I have time do that?! I think what's got me thinking is that omg....I'm going to have a middle schooler next year. Blink and then I'm going to have a highschooler, then another one....then they will be off in their lives to college or wherever they want to go. Empty nest. I shudder......

Ok, not to get too far ahead of myself. Christmas holiday coming soon my kids will be off school for 2 weeks and my sister will come for one of those. I'm kinda sort of looking around at job market but likely will pick that up the first of the year.  I finally finished my rental renovations i.e. inside of house, outside of house/garage, inside of apartmnet, landscaping, and house appliances. It's been a long haul, but it looks outstanding. I'm so proud and love how it turned out. Now, just need to get house rented and we are good to go! I've also been spending a lot of time, I mean a lot of time working with my sister to help get her business streamlined into this software system. I started with watching the system 101 videos. The silver lining is of me not working now I've been able to dedicate so much time to help her, which just feels good. I am really enjoying it too.

So....I am pretty busy most days and am working a lot it seems....just not getting a paycheck for it :)

Changes 2.0

 And just like that....things have changed again.  I am once again a full time stay at home mom.

I started my job back in May, fully knowing that the headquarters was an hour (50+ miles) from where I live. I had always thought, ok, they work a hybrid schedule so driving that far only 3 days a week was doable. I also told myself that if I worked downtown I'd likely have an hour commute each way also, so what would be the difference? I also knew that it might take a bit of time for me to find a part time nanny, but it was definitely doable. I also knew that my kids get sick a lot, but it's fine, we'd work through it.

What I didn't count on was a) many times it wasn't just an hour commute. It was an hour+ in addition to heavy traffic on that end going and coming b) it took me over a month to find a new nanny. I reached out to every avenue I could think of like next door app, mom friends, sitter city, care, and I even called some nanny agencies, our work EAP, highschoolers, etc...and the biggest problem was noone seemed to want a very part time job, noone wanted a split shift am/pm, even though only 3 days a week and hourly rate was good. I had no clue how hard it would be to find someone. I even considered looking for 2 people, one just for am and one for pm, but noone wanted that either. We ended up hiring a nanny through our neighbor, but she didn't speak english too well. After a short while I realized she barely spoke/understood english and we needed to have her son translate. We could have muddled through but I got worried when she said she understood me, but then I saw she didn't. In addition, my kids didn't feel comfortable talking w/ her because they didn't think she understood. So when they got home from school my text and phone would start ringing (they can reach out directly just to me through their Ipads) asking me what they should have asked the nanny. "Mom, can I have a popsicle?".  Also, my daughter sensed she wasn't firm, so rolled over her quite easily. The language barrier proved to be too much c) because of all of the stress I ended up getting sick on/off for about 6 weeks with flu/throwing my back out, covid, and stomach flu. My kids also had something on/off for the same amount of time. d) there was very little flexibility with the days you were expected to be in the office. They were very conservative in many ways and a lot less progressive than I expected. 

So....I quit. What put me over the edge was on one occasion I found myself leaving my sick daughter home by herself so I could be present in the office. Then a few weeks later I felt pressure to do it again when my son and my daughter were both home sick. Our nanny didn't have the flexibility to stay w/them because she had a grown special needs child she took care of after she came in the morning. So I drove to the office and once I got there I just melted down. There is nothing on this earth more important than my kids. I will never choose a job over my family, ever. So, I simply drove home that day to take care of my sick babies. And after that weekend went by....I resigned. Thank you, but no thank you. And that was that after 4 months. My kids are so much happier w/ me not working and frankly so am I. There was a significant amount of stress which showed up for me in exhaustion and getting sick. I have never been sick that often, so it was my body's way of saying...nope. too much. And I have not been sick since I quit. I'm trying to think if I feel 'bad' in some way for quitting, but I really don't. I told myself that if it didn't work out, I could always just say no. I didn't financially 'need' the job. Although getting a regular paycheck again was pretty nice.I think I'll likely poke around and see what else is out there but I think my must haves are remote and/or west side of the city where we live. My commute can't be longer than 30 minutes max. I'm going to look into contract work and see what kind of a market there is for that as well. It might be good to do something non-traditional i.e. work only some of the time. Will see.

I learned a lot from being a stay at home mom last time for 2 years so now that I'm home again, I'm doing things slightly differently. I am allowing myself to take a nap if I want and not judge or put any feeling on it. It just is. Then I need to be 'productive' the rest of the day with something. So, I decided to make a list of things that I need to do, and I must do something, at least one thing from that list every day. I love to cross off things and it will help me to see that I am accomplishing a lot.

So far I have:

Paid my kols bill, made and went to a hair appointment, organized my son's birthday gift cards, bought printer ink for my printer, scheduled bug guy, logged and filed my rental receipts, finished the interior on my rental apartment, listed and got it rented in 1 day!, cancelled the electricity at the apartment, went to lowes and got light bulbs, spray paint, key chains, and filters, I actually put a bulb back in the pendant light that's been missing for over 6 months, I had a ticket that I needed to check on if they got my paperwork, called att to get a new promotion on my cable/internet--still working this one, spent countless hours working on insurance issue with my son's current allergy office-finally got them to agree to release us from a ridiculous $880 charge and go to a new office, scheduled that new appointment quickly so we could just keep going w/ his treatment, but then insurance issues w/ them and dr. finally said he'd have to start over w/ shots anyway (even though my son has spent the last 4 months once a week getting 4 shots at a time...so mad), so just Friday decided to wait until the new year., spent countless hours trying to decide what dental insurance to start so I can finally get this next tooth removed-then opened an envelope I had sitting there to realize I can keep my current dental insurance and pay the full premium-yay, so signed up to continue that. Signed up for health insurance on healthcare government website after spending countless hours trying to see who was/wasn't in the network, spent countless hours calling new healthcare insurance to try and understand how allergy shots would work and getting premiums set up, etc., worked on getting designing and bids for my rental landscape, and once that's done I'll relist the house for rent, have gone to the grocery store several times, called EAP to set up therapy--researched the list, crossed several out, called to make consultation appts, narrowed down to 2, but decided to wait for new insurance and pick from there, closed out an insurance issue w/ kids dentist and rescheduled and took them to their appointments, scheduled and went to an ortho consult for my son (at 8), went to a follow up w/ my own dentist on the implant that's still bothering me after 2 months, he's saying it's fine. Wanted to start seeing new dentist, so reached out to one referred by oral surgeon, and he will accept me only because I was referral, so scheduled appointment this thursday, got my daughter scheduled to see new children's hospital Dr. before current insurance expires. Many phone calls because she was originally scheduled in December, but I basically begged to get her moved up due to insurance and we'd been waiting since June to get in. Took her to that appointment last week. Prior to that appointment spent several phone calls trying to get her records from Dr. sent over. Followed up again on a credit the city of water owes me from a year ago. Now it's the principal of the thing. Helping my sister for many hours trying to help her start using the software as it's designed so she can bill people from a system. A few things not even on my list were 1) cleaning by hand the 3 light pendants above my stove and 2) trying to see if my whirlpool tub will ever get the gunk out by using a highly rated cleaner (did the process 5 times yesterday and today). Still not there.

I kept thinking I was working hard but now that I've literally listed out all that I've been working on....oh em gee. It has been a lot. I stopped working at the beginning of October so it hasn't even been a month! I've literally got a new full time job making and going to appointments, doing email and phone calls. Too bad they don't pay us to be stay at home moms. I think things will slow down w/ insurance 'stuff' because we will be signed up and ready to go w/ the new ones.

As for the kiddos, things are ok. We are still in the middle of soccer season so my son does practice Mon and Wed from 5-6--I actually can take him again and I really enjoy this a lot. It's just fun for me to see him learn and grow and be pretty darn good. His Coach Blackman is the same one he had the first season last Spring when we started this league. He is SO good.  What I can't believe is how much my son is growing...he weighs like 77 lbs, is 49 inches. He wears boys youth clothes now, and we've already passed the 6's, 7's...he's in 8-10 size. He wears a size 3 shoe. He had a basketball themed birthday and the cake was from a professional bakery--looking like a basketball. This is the first year he cared about it, really. And it was the first year he invited his friends. So Aarav, Pedro, Matias, Caleb, James, Teddy, Hugo, Leah, and Madison all celebrated w/ him. We gave out basketballs as gifts...Amy made a court in our driveway out of black tape. It's still there and the kids love it. Really good day.

Thankfully this school year is going better for him. I made an aha the other day that things last year were hard for him at home and at school--no wonder he was throwing his backpack everyday. I would too. This year he has a better fit for teachers and he's got a few buddies in his class. He also really likes spending fridays at GT, where they do all kinds of 'stuff' like building things, experimenting, etc.. Wish they would allow him to progress further in math, which is totally his thing. I did reach out to his teacher to see what she recommends, so will see. I got their first 9 week grades and he had all A's and his math was 100, A+. Crazy.  I mentioned earlier he had an ortho consult, so here we go again trying to decide if 2 phases of braces make sense. This time, the Dr. suggested an expander, then braces on just 4 teeth on top, and maybe the 4 on bottom too. I just don't know if it's worth it. But, I do know his teeth are wompy already and he has big teeth, very small mouth. It might make sense?

My girl is doing better right now that she's over her last virus...she ended up w/ a raging sore throat and I thought for sure it would be strep....an urgent care and pediatrician stop later we learned she had coxsackievirus...which can be hand/foot for little kids, but for bigger it can show up as ulcers in the throat. This poor kid can not catch a break. I'm waiting for my new insurance to kick in so we can re-establish with a new pediatrician--again. The hospital system one is no longer in our new insurance network and quite frankly, I wasn't impressed. We also couldn't get her in there on Friday or monday when she was sick w/ this latest virus so I just said forget it, let's go back to the old one for now. I think what we need is for us to be part of an entire 'system'....where pediatrician, rheumatology, and now perhaps immunology can work together. Her newest Dr. appointment also confirmed that it is abnormal for her to get these sicknesses that linger for weeks, in addition, how often she gets sick is not normal. I can't agree more. It just makes me so frustrated that we've had such a rough time finding experts and frankly a pediatrician who gives a sh*&t to help us figure out what we need to do to help my child.

I'm excited for her she decided to join this 'club' for 5th grade girls called heart to heart. They meet every other Tuesday at someone's house. It's actually a bible study of sorts and we aren't religious, but her friend Parker asked if she wanted to go w/ her and she decided to join. She said she likes it, even though she doesn't share much about it. Personally, I think she likes being a 'walker' afterschool and gets to go home w/ Parker, then I pick the girls up and take her home, and they give them candy each time. But hey, if it gets her to socialize around a bigger group of her peers, there's learning in there as well. She also decided she wants to sign up for basketball in the winter league with her brother. We haven't done this league before but our school district does basketball, soccer (which my son is in now, and both of them did last spring) and football. Our experience has been great, so I hope that continues. I'm a bit worried about having 2 practices a week and games on Saturday for her, as it might be a bit much, especially if she gets sick....but we'll see how it goes. She's doing pretty well for grades at school except math isn't her strong suit...she got a B in that, and the rest A's. I totally hold both kids responsible for any type of homework they have i.e. I don't nag them or even ask much about it. If they don't do it, they have the consequence of not turning it in and having it impact their grades. It works better that way because even if I try to help my girl, it doesn't usually go well. She doesn't like me telling her what to do....go figure. She also helped our neighbor at our neighborhood Fall festival...she helped with the tattoo stand. I was so proud of her....and she came happier than I had seen her in a long time. She was able to experience a lot of her favorite things at one time-being around people, arts/crafts, and candy. 

They are both super-psyched to go trick or treating tomorrow. My girl will wear her cat costume, my son will wear...who knows, really. He hasn't planned it out and really just cares about getting some chocolate! I think this year they will split up and my girl will go w/ our neighbor w/ the smaller grandkids and my son will go w/ his buddies. I might just stay inside and hide. Well, not true....if the weather's good I'm sure I'll either sit out w/ the neighbors in the circle giving out candy, or walk a lap w/ my girl and the littles, etc..

These times are fast and fleeting. My girl will be going to middle school next year. My son will be in third grade. At some point, it's not cool for mom to watch practices so I'm soaking it all in now. No idea when the next phase of 'growth' is moving to more mature, big kids. But I see signs of it all the time.....the conversations we have are much more rich. My son's vocabulary is much bigger than I thought and I have to say, it's like talking to myself. We have the same sense of humor and I really just enjoy hanging out w/ him. My girl and I were able to have a really deep discussion about how we connect with each other and how we 'hear' each other....I learned a valuable lesson in that for her, it's important that I reiterate what I think she said because it makes her feel heard. If I jump into what I'm thinking without acknowledging what she said, she feels like I'm arguing with her and she will argue back. It took us talking it out for me to go AHA, I get it now. She needs me to repeat things so she feels validated. That little nugget has really helped us. The other thing that's new is.....she may have worn me down about a dog. She's been wanting a dog for literally years. I've had a firm NO for many of those....but if there's any kid who deserves/needs an animal it's my girl. She has a unique connection with animals/dogs especially that is really amazing to watch. We'll be waiting for the bus in the morning and people walking their dogs go by. The dogs walk right by my son and I and a few feet up where my girl is they go right up to her. I tell her all the time she's a 'dog whisperer'....and animals sense things. She's just got that soul animals are drawn too. So, I agreed to at least consider. That's not a hard no, but it's not a yes. We went to a dog shelter this past weekend and it moved her to tears. She just loves dogs so much. For me, it made me so anxious listening to the barking, my throat itch and my chest tight since I'm allergic to most animals, and cover my nose from the stench.  She wasn't bothered by any of it. So, we've been researching hypoallergenic dogs because that may be the only way we can do this. My son of course has allergies too, so I guess we will see. I personally could not have a dog and I'd be fine, but for my girl, it could be life changing. And talking about maturing-my girl only has 2 baby teeth left, wears a size 5 shoe, and XL 14/16 youth. I even purchased adult XS so I could get her pajama pants long enough.

The way I look at things is, there is always time to work.....being home w/ my kids who need me right now is where I need to be. It's where I want to be. Do I love making dinner...no. But, I'm finding so much to fill my days and I really did learn a lot in that I need socialization, I need to have a sense of accomplishment, and I need to be easy on myself.....I'm sure this time will be fleeting too. At some point, something else will change and we'll be on to the next.

It was the Best of Times....It was the Worst of Times

Last time I wrote about what was likely our best day all summer.  I'm now going to tell you about likely our worst time this summer/Fall.

Covid 2.0.

I can't even begin to say how hard life has been for the last few weeks. It all started on Wednesday August 31st. I was at a company meeting all day in a room of 50 people. By the end of the day I was starting to feel fatigued, which is not unusual, but after driving home I was noticing my throat starting to burn/hurt.  Both of my kids have been sick since the 1st-2nd week of school so that fun statistic continues. Anyway, both of them have had coughs, sore throats, runny noses, fatigue, mild fevers, etc....you name it, they had it.  I just assumed it was finally catching up with me. I didn't work Thursday and I got progressively worse over the Labor day holiday weekend...aches, major head congestion, raging headaches which I rarely get, mild fever.  I was just taking dayquil/nyquil/advil in order to get some relief. Then Sunday comes and I picked up a laundry item and couldn't smell the detergent or dryer sheet smell. Funny enough I was picking it up because my son said it was clean and I didn't believe him, so I tried to smell. Then I was eating something, likely a popsicle since we had a ton of them in the house from everyone being sick, and I could taste it was sweet, but was missing some of the flavor.  Crap.  As soon as that happened I took an at home test on Sunday evening and the sample line as screaming RED before the control line even had time to show up. I thought the sample line WAS the control line w/ how quickly it popped up, and dark as could be.

Of course with the holiday on Monday I let work know Tuesday I wasn't coming and spoke to the office nurse. She said since I was having symptoms to just go ahead and stay home the rest of the week. That part was the silver lining in all this because I have had the heavy burden of trying to find adequate part time childcare and have been striking out everywhere.  Our summer babysitter went back to college almost a month ago....I've been managing it through my work from home days and our neighbor.

I'd say this time around was in some ways harder because it was more painful....the headache was something I've never experienced.....just relentless.  And let's not forget I'm a single mom with 2 younger kids.  I did what I could to survive during the worst of it. I had food delivered, I had groceries delivered...I let the kids watch as much Ipad as their eyes would allow...I moved from the couch to the chair.  Chair to the couch. For days........I did call my Dr. and had a virtual visit on last Tuesday. It was a bit worthless because she said since I'm vaccinated, boosted, and past the initial few days of symptom onset, and my breathing was fine...that there wasn't much she could do. Flonase. That was all she suggested. Big sigh.

This time was equally as hard when it came to trying to keep a household running when so sick and by myself.  Amy did not come as she was helping someone in her family, and my sister offered but I just didn't know how I felt about that so I said no. It's hard.  It's lonely.  At the end of the day, I do just rely on me. I've said all along there is not much harder things than being sick and taking care of sick people.  It wretched. Noone feels well, everyone's grouchy and tired. noone sleeps well. you just want to feel better. and I missed my mom more than ever. Tomorrow is the anniversary and she will have been gone 14 years. That's likely a separate post.

Thankfully this go round was not as long...last time was around 17 days before a glimmer of feeling better...this time it was about 7 days when I finally started to feel slightly better where I could sit up and think. Then rested as much as you can when you have no help and children. Today I think I'm at 95% which is so much better than where I was a week and a half ago. 

Suffice it to say, I do have such a gratitude for my health. 

Best Day

 I think we just had our best day all summer.  

We've had such ups and downs with so many different things. As I mentioned before, my girl has had a rough one these last several months.  We've had a lot of issues w/ what we call 'fussies'....varying degrees of irritability throughout days, then things get really tough in the evenings. I mentioned also that we've been working with a few Dr.s and most recently one of them said he's not sure the medicine she's taking is really doing much good. Things have been so inconsistent that they'll go well for awhile, then when she gets any kind of illness, things just fall apart, and it takes so long for her to bounce back, if she even does....and if not, try something else to help. It's been a cycle we've been in for a 3 years now. But what's been helpful is we started seeing a new Dr. since last August, a whole year now. He's now experienced an entire year of trying a variety of medications, some were total disasters, some seem to work for short periods...again, until she gets sick w/ anything that tends to last weeks and weeks. We've been working to get pulled into the children's hospital system, where we are already established with a rheumatologist, but now pediatrician, and hopefully a few other specialties so we can work as a coordinated team. 

That's what's been so challenging thus far is that 1) the "specialists" around here are quite underwhelming and we live in a major city....it took us 4 Dr.'s to finally (by dumb luck) get referred to the one we have now. He's amazing. He's the one that paved the road to help us get in to see the children's hospital Dr. But, he's not in the children's hospital system himself (although he was in the past and that's why he's recommending we get 'under one roof'). 2) Our previous pediatrician has not been helpful AT ALL in helping us navigate any of this. If it's beyond a common cold or a well-visit, she would pull out her sheet of referrals and say, choose one. Never seemed to be interested in helping us dig deeper. I think the final straw was when she looked at me, crying in front of her over how hard things were and asking for additional support, and she said, 'I don't have time for this'. Never apologized to this day....so, my son is still at their office, but just sees a new Dr.. I'm not ready to change practices with my son yet because I need to make sure the new one for my girl works out well first. We've only been there once and I didn't love that Dr. either, so we are trying a new one in the same practice tied to the children's hospital for my girls' well visit coming soon. I hope she's more impressive. The first one said Oh yeah, I know the rheumatologist that referred you to our practice. She's good.  Funny....the rheumatologist is a HE. 3) After 3 years we don't exactly have any definitive on what exactly the issue is.  She doesn't neatly fit into any particular bucket and that's what has been so tricky....in addition, she doesn't react at all to medications in a typical way, which has made this road so challenging. 4) Child therapists here suck. They just do. We've been to 3 different ones--with one of the last ones saying 'look, I cost a lot of money. And, I can't help you', interviewed at least 2 more.....I refuse to believe my expectations are too high. If you can't connect with my child, then you aren't right for us at all.  So many don't even call you back. Most, I'd say 90% of the "recommended" ones also don't accept insurance. It has made me feel like this profession is full of quacks, and I'm exhausted trying to find a good one. And noone wants to talk about if their child sees one because you can't get a friend 'referral' out of anyone. The school counselor suggestions landed us with hey, can't help you. Her current Dr. has recommendations but they are almost 45 minutes away if in person. It may be worth it at this point.

All of this to say, it has been a hard road. So back to the fact that the Dr. has suggested the medicine likely isn't helping, and in fact might be doing more harm than good. Things don't stay consistent and and on top of that, my girl has put on 18 lbs in one year. The typical norm is 5-7lbs. That in and of itself is causing a whole other set of issues w/ body image and self esteem. So, he said we need to just stop everything and get a baseline. We stopped one a few months ago and it seemed to be going ok. We tried to stop the current one in July and it was a sh&t show. Back to my comment about she doesn't have typical reactions to anything.  So, with help from the Dr. we decided to try again and just tough it out. Stop it, and see how it goes....we did that one Wednesday this past week.  It's not been easy. I will say this.....no parent wants their child to suffer. No parent wants to think they've done something to make things worse for their kid, when the only goal was to try and find something to help.  I've had a hard time lately feeling bad and second guessing a lot of things. I think back over the past year and how when things started to escalate last year, I was a fish out of water. I had no idea what was happening, why it was happening, and what to do about it.  I made a lot of mistakes. I recently talked to my girl about this and told her I was so so sorry for how I handled things in the past and could she forgive me. I was so proud of her, because she responded and said 'mom, you did the best you could. We all have feelings'. I hope she firmly believes that. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard things have been. All that to say, after having more time researching, reading as much as I can wherever I can, and dealing with our new 'normal', Ive been able to stay more calm, be more supportive, and let my girl see how no matter what, I've got her back. I'm there for here...I will support her....and I love her. I've learned how to praise her in tough times for the things she can do. I've recently thought more about how hard things must have been for her....and the one person she could rely on was struggling. That's created some guilt for me. But, it's just shifted my focus/heart about when things are currently happening, I can come at it from a place of empathy. What I think has been most healing is we can talk to each other and I've told her everything I'm putting out here.

So, all that back story to say that today was such a wonderful day I am filled with joy. My heart is warm.

It started with us just relaxing together, doing ipads and phone. Then I said hey, let's go get some healthy salads together. We went to our favorite place and the three of us sitting there, talking, no fussing, enjoying our meal--my son has always been into salads, but I finally got my girl to enjoy them too. We had agreed earlier we would do one errand for each kid. My son needed new athletic shorts and of course online was sold out, so I looked up where they were in a store in the area. We set out after lunch and just had so much fun talking in the 30 minute car ride, making jokes with each other...laughing. All of us laughing. We get to the store and no meltdowns from anyone--even my son who can't stand shopping...Found the shorts that are becoming a needle in haystack to find. We then drive home and while we were driving my girl asked to play music from songs I had on my phone. So we have our 'family' songs we all love, which we then all 3 start singing, laughing some more, and just enjoying the trip back to our close to home target--we needed to get school snack items, some basics, and my girl wanted to spend some of her birthday money on a poke mon item. The store was a zoo, but after that we came home and we again relaxed with our ipads/phone. Then, I made the most healthy dinner with simple stuff....eggs (scrambled for my son, boiled for my girl), avocado, strawberries. At 6:30 pm we turn off all electronics and do family time. We started to play yatzee, but neither was too interested so decided while my son was in the bath, my girl and I would check off her school supply list and she'd pack up her bags ready for tomorrow. Then my girl took her bath while my son organized his poke mon cards. We came back together, had some snacks and watched the cartoon Big city green. If you haven't seen it, you should. I literally laugh outloud almost every show....and it takes a lot for me to do that. We made a deal ahead of time because my girl asked to watch both shows of the episode and I said okay, BUT, they need to agree to having a calm bedtime. They went, brushed teeth, a few shenanigans.....but then after kisses they both took themselves into their rooms, turned lights off when I asked at 9:15pm. Then peacefully went to sleep at 9:30pm. (an hour after normal bedtime but hey, this day was so good).

It felt like magic.  We went from having a serious meltdown yesterday unlike one we haven't seen in almost a year (which I'm still mad at the neighbor boy for being such a jerk to my girl)......to having the best day as a family we've had in so long.  Big sigh of relief. And happiness.

School starts in a few days and we are all getting excited....we find out teacher assignments tomorrow morning, meet the teacher tomorrow evening, and first day of school is Wednesday.  I have a 2nd and 5th grader. Wow.  Here's to hoping my girl's last year of elementary is a great one, and here's to my son actually liking school enough to not throw his backpack everyday after school when he gets home. It's the little wins.

Still working on childcare...but one thing at a time, right?

Trip

Sunflower I sincerely appreciate your comments on last post--complete light bulb. Yes, my son was tested for talented and gifted in kinder and was only 1 of 2 kids out of 120+ that tested in at that age. Ironically, I seem to research everything and haven't researched at all about talented and gifted kids even though I have one. I honestly never put two and two together and you are totally right. As you listed out the things your daughter struggles with that align w/ my son, I just never thought about it. And now that I know, I need to start learning more and see how I can better help him at school. The 'challenge' program is what they call it at school, but I'm a bit underwhelmed with it. In kinder he went on Fridays for a few hours. Then last year, it's still only one day a week and supposed to be an all day pull out program, but it only ended up being 4 hours/Friday.  This upcoming year, not sure yet.  It's also ironic that he is me....as a boy. It should have dawned on me because I have a similar personality and had some of the same struggles he does. He looks like me, he's sensitive like me, he loves his mama, he's smart, he's competitive, he's athletic. We do get along really well, it's just natural because we like the same things. My mom had to advocate for me way back when because in rural country in the midwest we didn't even have a talented and gifted program...my mom helped make one! I taught myself how to read at like 4 maybe? Green eggs and ham. I took the book, climbed up on my mom's lap and read it. She told me this story over and over because she thought I had just memorized it. So, she picked out different words and I knew them.  My son learned to read the same way...one day he literally just started reading. All that to say, very helpful in figuring out where next to look for ideas, info, support, etc.. Also, funny you thought lawyer as my Dad told me from a very young age I'd make a very good one:)

The kids were at Amy's in New Orleans from Sunday last week until Saturday yesterday I picked up my son 1/2 way. The kids (well my son started the conversation) about just wanting to take a trip...which I totally understood. They had been mostly together for 2 months. I'd want a change of scenery too. So last weekend I drove both of them 1/2 way, Amy picked them up, and I drove back home to the really quiet house.  In theory, it sounded wonderful. It's been a rough summer, so to not have to cook for anyone, worry about bedtime, brushing teeth, wearing clean clothes, getting snacks, what activity.....all that, I could just put aside and just focus on me.

It wasn't fun. 

At all.

It started with just trying to drive away after meeting up....I was crying so hard and could not stop. Of course the kids were like mama it's ok!, which I know, but I was still just sad to drive away from them. I cried for about 1/2 hour on the way home. Then, my anxiety with them gone was through the roof. I was not relaxed, I didn't sleep well, I worried constantly about something happening to them, the dog over there is still awful and of course scratched my son a few times. One night I literally didn't sleep at all....I finally got tired around 4am, laid on the couch and closed my eyes....then heard some noise, eyes wide open, scaring feelings, etc..so I ended up getting up and starting work at 5am. I just couldn't do it anymore. I have no idea why it was this tough, but it just was.

Thankfully, they had a good week but my son was missing mama after a few days...I was hopeful they would stay a week and maybe even almost a second (even though it was hard for me), and then come back with Amy because she was coming back to visit anyway, so that would cut out a round trip drive, but by the end of this past week, my son was just ready...he'd had enough of being gone, and being with his sister. He wanted a break. Plan was to go and pick just him up and let my girl stay longer so she could have a break too and my son could get some alone time with just mom.

So, yesterday I drove out 1/2 way (about 3 hours) and met up with the kids. As I drove into the parking lot both kids were by the car, standing there waving with these big smiles on their faces....my heart started welling up! I parked and then my son ran over to me, and even my girl we hugged and hugged and hugged. It just felt so good to have them back in my presence, I could touch them....they were ok. We ended up just sitting together, eating lunch....and my girl let me even hug her in public (big deal). She even wanted to sit next to me at lunch since she wasn't coming back with us.

All was fine until we started transferring the stuff from their car to mine and my girl started to get a little sad. I could see it in her face....I asked if she was ok and she said no, she kinda wished she could come home with us. I was really surprised to hear that....all along I thought she really didn't miss home/me that much and could care less about being away. So,  I talked through with her how she was feeling......and her little lip started quivering and she started to get these big crocodile tears. Oh my did my heart melt for her...no mama wants to see their child sad. I told her maybe she just wasn't ready to be away by herself and it's ok, she could come home. She seemed so relieved and then she went and got her few things (they hadn't packed her stuff) and we were all in my car figuring out the plan to get her stuff, etc.. and I asked if it was ok w/ my son. Well, as you can imagine, he had already planned to have his own time w/ mom.  My girl then said she was not wanting to let Amy down, but was torn because she wanted to go, and wanted to stay at the same time. I explained how when we get sad, it's hard to make decisions....and that was ok. Poor kid she just kept saying she didn't know what to do. I told her honey, it's totally ok to go, and it's totally ok to stay, I'm ok either way.....then she started thinking more and decided maybe she would go back for another several days because she wanted to play with the dog, go play with the few little kids around, etc..That's the other thing, I don't usually see her indecisive. Once she makes up her mind, she's done, and usually that's it.  After some time, she finally decided she would go back w/ Amy.  Once she got back in the other car and we were all ready to leave again, there I go crying....just the thought of her driving away...not with me, it's just got me sad. I know it didn't help the situation. I walked over to the car one more time to make sure she was ok and of course as I was crying, she was crying.  I told her mama was going to be ok.  My biggest thing was, because she was so upset, I wanted to make sure she was doing what she really wanted to do, and not what she thought others wanted her to do. And she said more firmly, she was ok and she would go back. I felt better then.

All this time I truly didn't think she missed me, or cared that she wasn't home. She can be so aloof at times, that's hard to really know how she's feeling. So to see how sad she got....to see how much she was conflicted about staying or going....to see how much she missed me, to see how much she cried, and to see her get so emotional, I wasn't prepared for all that.

Turns out, it wasn't just me.....

As my son and I were watching them driving away it got really quiet in the back seat....I asked son, are you ok?....silence.  I just reached back and handed him a tissue.  Turns out, someone else was sad to see his sister go too.

After all those tears and emotions, we were just spent.....so headed back home and once we got here I truly expected things to be easier...one kid, c'mon....the kid who usually listens and behaves. Sounds so easy, right? Surprise....my son has been a complete bear since coming home. He was exhausted last night and oh so grumpy just being here, getting ready for bed, being extra fussy. I thought ok, he's tired, tomorrow will be better. Today, not so much.....we ended up needing go buy him some school clothes and that's one thing he just can't stand, shopping. But with school around the corner and it was just him and I, it made sense. He grumped and grumbled and groaned the entire time. At one point he just laid on the floor at the store and closed his eyes. He was over it. Dude, mama doesn't like shopping either, but you need new clothes for school. I don't want to buy a bunch of things, just to return them when they don't fit. It was like pulling teeth. Even when we got home he's been a bit sarcastic and grouchy. SO not what I expected. I even tried to have him help me stretch, which normally is not an issue and which both kids do from time to time, and he just kept getting frustrated like he thought he wasn't doing it right? Who knows.....

So, early this evening I ended up telling him fine, go get some uno cards and we can play a few games. I happened to be laying on the living room floor at the time. He found the cards and then said, 'Fine. Let's Play. Get up you Big Chubb'.  (apparently that's from some game or something I've heard the kids call each other that before)......and it just struck me funny. I howled laughing, which got him laughing.....and kind of lifted him out of his terrible mood.  Then, after we played a few games I told him about yahtzee and we actually found our game and I showed him how to play for the first time. Math and competition.....two things he loves.  And yes, he loved it.  He begged to play more games, but I held the line.....grumpy needed to get some sleep.

And here I sit...thinking about my hour long commute tomorrow, hoping I get some good sleep, being a bit disappointed in that the lead for Fall babysitter didn't respond, the rental house is sloooowly getting finished and already reached out to contractors on a few things, reached out to another contractor to get moving on the 'make ready' in the apartment, got my son scheduled for Fall soccer, he decided no flag football, I reached out to my son's friends to find him a place to go Tuesday afternoon so babysitter doesn't need to come at all that day since I work from home, talked to the assistant principal about my girl and how we can support her at school this year....agreed we would do some testing to see if she needs any services at the start of the school year, preparing for a consult to have another tooth removed and implant....crazy enough I had the healing screw in the last implant for 6 months so I could start my new insurance, but it's been totally ridiculous to finish it up at my current dentist office....dentist couldn't get the new one in, came back a second time with nitrous oxide (did not like at all) and he got it it, but the finished crown didn't fit, so they had to send that back and put on a temporary....then the temporary wasn't made correctly with a sharp edge that cut my cheek and created a huge ulcer in my mouth....I've literally been to the dentist 4 TIMES and 5 hours to finalize the implant crown....and it's still not done!! ( 1) for mold (1 hour) 2) couldn't get abutment screw in (1 hour) 3) got screw in but then crown was screwed up (2 hours) 4) temporary crown not right (1 hour) 5) eventually new crown put back in.) So frustrating....total tangent, but I've literally spent so much time doing this that I hesitate wanting to do this all over again with another tooth.

If I think about what I do day in and day out, it's no wonder I'm tired!!  There is a lot to juggle with summer, upcoming school, doctors (my son is now doing allergy shots and we are fighting w/ insurance about that too), work, landlord stuff, school shopping, my own stuff.

I'm just going to sign off now, relax, and have some melatonin before bed. It really does help to relax and fall asleep. Not as much to stay asleep, but some improvement better than none.

My daughter's first meal she actually cooked by herself--she learned how to make a fried egg, and cooked her own pancake. I could not be more proud of her. She really has a knack for cooking and baking, and she really enjoys it. Our neighbor loves cooking and has allowed her to help make crepes. I think that built her confidence and how she wants to try more things. So exciting! Another thing our neighbor showed her is making her own ramen noodles...they gave us this fancy counter top water kettle you just plug in, pour water over noodles, and walah, soup. Have you ever read the back of ramen for ingredients? I recommend you don't.