Changes 2.0

 And just like that....things have changed again.  I am once again a full time stay at home mom.

I started my job back in May, fully knowing that the headquarters was an hour (50+ miles) from where I live. I had always thought, ok, they work a hybrid schedule so driving that far only 3 days a week was doable. I also told myself that if I worked downtown I'd likely have an hour commute each way also, so what would be the difference? I also knew that it might take a bit of time for me to find a part time nanny, but it was definitely doable. I also knew that my kids get sick a lot, but it's fine, we'd work through it.

What I didn't count on was a) many times it wasn't just an hour commute. It was an hour+ in addition to heavy traffic on that end going and coming b) it took me over a month to find a new nanny. I reached out to every avenue I could think of like next door app, mom friends, sitter city, care, and I even called some nanny agencies, our work EAP, highschoolers, etc...and the biggest problem was noone seemed to want a very part time job, noone wanted a split shift am/pm, even though only 3 days a week and hourly rate was good. I had no clue how hard it would be to find someone. I even considered looking for 2 people, one just for am and one for pm, but noone wanted that either. We ended up hiring a nanny through our neighbor, but she didn't speak english too well. After a short while I realized she barely spoke/understood english and we needed to have her son translate. We could have muddled through but I got worried when she said she understood me, but then I saw she didn't. In addition, my kids didn't feel comfortable talking w/ her because they didn't think she understood. So when they got home from school my text and phone would start ringing (they can reach out directly just to me through their Ipads) asking me what they should have asked the nanny. "Mom, can I have a popsicle?".  Also, my daughter sensed she wasn't firm, so rolled over her quite easily. The language barrier proved to be too much c) because of all of the stress I ended up getting sick on/off for about 6 weeks with flu/throwing my back out, covid, and stomach flu. My kids also had something on/off for the same amount of time. d) there was very little flexibility with the days you were expected to be in the office. They were very conservative in many ways and a lot less progressive than I expected. 

So....I quit. What put me over the edge was on one occasion I found myself leaving my sick daughter home by herself so I could be present in the office. Then a few weeks later I felt pressure to do it again when my son and my daughter were both home sick. Our nanny didn't have the flexibility to stay w/them because she had a grown special needs child she took care of after she came in the morning. So I drove to the office and once I got there I just melted down. There is nothing on this earth more important than my kids. I will never choose a job over my family, ever. So, I simply drove home that day to take care of my sick babies. And after that weekend went by....I resigned. Thank you, but no thank you. And that was that after 4 months. My kids are so much happier w/ me not working and frankly so am I. There was a significant amount of stress which showed up for me in exhaustion and getting sick. I have never been sick that often, so it was my body's way of saying...nope. too much. And I have not been sick since I quit. I'm trying to think if I feel 'bad' in some way for quitting, but I really don't. I told myself that if it didn't work out, I could always just say no. I didn't financially 'need' the job. Although getting a regular paycheck again was pretty nice.I think I'll likely poke around and see what else is out there but I think my must haves are remote and/or west side of the city where we live. My commute can't be longer than 30 minutes max. I'm going to look into contract work and see what kind of a market there is for that as well. It might be good to do something non-traditional i.e. work only some of the time. Will see.

I learned a lot from being a stay at home mom last time for 2 years so now that I'm home again, I'm doing things slightly differently. I am allowing myself to take a nap if I want and not judge or put any feeling on it. It just is. Then I need to be 'productive' the rest of the day with something. So, I decided to make a list of things that I need to do, and I must do something, at least one thing from that list every day. I love to cross off things and it will help me to see that I am accomplishing a lot.

So far I have:

Paid my kols bill, made and went to a hair appointment, organized my son's birthday gift cards, bought printer ink for my printer, scheduled bug guy, logged and filed my rental receipts, finished the interior on my rental apartment, listed and got it rented in 1 day!, cancelled the electricity at the apartment, went to lowes and got light bulbs, spray paint, key chains, and filters, I actually put a bulb back in the pendant light that's been missing for over 6 months, I had a ticket that I needed to check on if they got my paperwork, called att to get a new promotion on my cable/internet--still working this one, spent countless hours working on insurance issue with my son's current allergy office-finally got them to agree to release us from a ridiculous $880 charge and go to a new office, scheduled that new appointment quickly so we could just keep going w/ his treatment, but then insurance issues w/ them and dr. finally said he'd have to start over w/ shots anyway (even though my son has spent the last 4 months once a week getting 4 shots at a time...so mad), so just Friday decided to wait until the new year., spent countless hours trying to decide what dental insurance to start so I can finally get this next tooth removed-then opened an envelope I had sitting there to realize I can keep my current dental insurance and pay the full premium-yay, so signed up to continue that. Signed up for health insurance on healthcare government website after spending countless hours trying to see who was/wasn't in the network, spent countless hours calling new healthcare insurance to try and understand how allergy shots would work and getting premiums set up, etc., worked on getting designing and bids for my rental landscape, and once that's done I'll relist the house for rent, have gone to the grocery store several times, called EAP to set up therapy--researched the list, crossed several out, called to make consultation appts, narrowed down to 2, but decided to wait for new insurance and pick from there, closed out an insurance issue w/ kids dentist and rescheduled and took them to their appointments, scheduled and went to an ortho consult for my son (at 8), went to a follow up w/ my own dentist on the implant that's still bothering me after 2 months, he's saying it's fine. Wanted to start seeing new dentist, so reached out to one referred by oral surgeon, and he will accept me only because I was referral, so scheduled appointment this thursday, got my daughter scheduled to see new children's hospital Dr. before current insurance expires. Many phone calls because she was originally scheduled in December, but I basically begged to get her moved up due to insurance and we'd been waiting since June to get in. Took her to that appointment last week. Prior to that appointment spent several phone calls trying to get her records from Dr. sent over. Followed up again on a credit the city of water owes me from a year ago. Now it's the principal of the thing. Helping my sister for many hours trying to help her start using the software as it's designed so she can bill people from a system. A few things not even on my list were 1) cleaning by hand the 3 light pendants above my stove and 2) trying to see if my whirlpool tub will ever get the gunk out by using a highly rated cleaner (did the process 5 times yesterday and today). Still not there.

I kept thinking I was working hard but now that I've literally listed out all that I've been working on....oh em gee. It has been a lot. I stopped working at the beginning of October so it hasn't even been a month! I've literally got a new full time job making and going to appointments, doing email and phone calls. Too bad they don't pay us to be stay at home moms. I think things will slow down w/ insurance 'stuff' because we will be signed up and ready to go w/ the new ones.

As for the kiddos, things are ok. We are still in the middle of soccer season so my son does practice Mon and Wed from 5-6--I actually can take him again and I really enjoy this a lot. It's just fun for me to see him learn and grow and be pretty darn good. His Coach Blackman is the same one he had the first season last Spring when we started this league. He is SO good.  What I can't believe is how much my son is growing...he weighs like 77 lbs, is 49 inches. He wears boys youth clothes now, and we've already passed the 6's, 7's...he's in 8-10 size. He wears a size 3 shoe. He had a basketball themed birthday and the cake was from a professional bakery--looking like a basketball. This is the first year he cared about it, really. And it was the first year he invited his friends. So Aarav, Pedro, Matias, Caleb, James, Teddy, Hugo, Leah, and Madison all celebrated w/ him. We gave out basketballs as gifts...Amy made a court in our driveway out of black tape. It's still there and the kids love it. Really good day.

Thankfully this school year is going better for him. I made an aha the other day that things last year were hard for him at home and at school--no wonder he was throwing his backpack everyday. I would too. This year he has a better fit for teachers and he's got a few buddies in his class. He also really likes spending fridays at GT, where they do all kinds of 'stuff' like building things, experimenting, etc.. Wish they would allow him to progress further in math, which is totally his thing. I did reach out to his teacher to see what she recommends, so will see. I got their first 9 week grades and he had all A's and his math was 100, A+. Crazy.  I mentioned earlier he had an ortho consult, so here we go again trying to decide if 2 phases of braces make sense. This time, the Dr. suggested an expander, then braces on just 4 teeth on top, and maybe the 4 on bottom too. I just don't know if it's worth it. But, I do know his teeth are wompy already and he has big teeth, very small mouth. It might make sense?

My girl is doing better right now that she's over her last virus...she ended up w/ a raging sore throat and I thought for sure it would be strep....an urgent care and pediatrician stop later we learned she had coxsackievirus...which can be hand/foot for little kids, but for bigger it can show up as ulcers in the throat. This poor kid can not catch a break. I'm waiting for my new insurance to kick in so we can re-establish with a new pediatrician--again. The hospital system one is no longer in our new insurance network and quite frankly, I wasn't impressed. We also couldn't get her in there on Friday or monday when she was sick w/ this latest virus so I just said forget it, let's go back to the old one for now. I think what we need is for us to be part of an entire 'system'....where pediatrician, rheumatology, and now perhaps immunology can work together. Her newest Dr. appointment also confirmed that it is abnormal for her to get these sicknesses that linger for weeks, in addition, how often she gets sick is not normal. I can't agree more. It just makes me so frustrated that we've had such a rough time finding experts and frankly a pediatrician who gives a sh*&t to help us figure out what we need to do to help my child.

I'm excited for her she decided to join this 'club' for 5th grade girls called heart to heart. They meet every other Tuesday at someone's house. It's actually a bible study of sorts and we aren't religious, but her friend Parker asked if she wanted to go w/ her and she decided to join. She said she likes it, even though she doesn't share much about it. Personally, I think she likes being a 'walker' afterschool and gets to go home w/ Parker, then I pick the girls up and take her home, and they give them candy each time. But hey, if it gets her to socialize around a bigger group of her peers, there's learning in there as well. She also decided she wants to sign up for basketball in the winter league with her brother. We haven't done this league before but our school district does basketball, soccer (which my son is in now, and both of them did last spring) and football. Our experience has been great, so I hope that continues. I'm a bit worried about having 2 practices a week and games on Saturday for her, as it might be a bit much, especially if she gets sick....but we'll see how it goes. She's doing pretty well for grades at school except math isn't her strong suit...she got a B in that, and the rest A's. I totally hold both kids responsible for any type of homework they have i.e. I don't nag them or even ask much about it. If they don't do it, they have the consequence of not turning it in and having it impact their grades. It works better that way because even if I try to help my girl, it doesn't usually go well. She doesn't like me telling her what to do....go figure. She also helped our neighbor at our neighborhood Fall festival...she helped with the tattoo stand. I was so proud of her....and she came happier than I had seen her in a long time. She was able to experience a lot of her favorite things at one time-being around people, arts/crafts, and candy. 

They are both super-psyched to go trick or treating tomorrow. My girl will wear her cat costume, my son will wear...who knows, really. He hasn't planned it out and really just cares about getting some chocolate! I think this year they will split up and my girl will go w/ our neighbor w/ the smaller grandkids and my son will go w/ his buddies. I might just stay inside and hide. Well, not true....if the weather's good I'm sure I'll either sit out w/ the neighbors in the circle giving out candy, or walk a lap w/ my girl and the littles, etc..

These times are fast and fleeting. My girl will be going to middle school next year. My son will be in third grade. At some point, it's not cool for mom to watch practices so I'm soaking it all in now. No idea when the next phase of 'growth' is moving to more mature, big kids. But I see signs of it all the time.....the conversations we have are much more rich. My son's vocabulary is much bigger than I thought and I have to say, it's like talking to myself. We have the same sense of humor and I really just enjoy hanging out w/ him. My girl and I were able to have a really deep discussion about how we connect with each other and how we 'hear' each other....I learned a valuable lesson in that for her, it's important that I reiterate what I think she said because it makes her feel heard. If I jump into what I'm thinking without acknowledging what she said, she feels like I'm arguing with her and she will argue back. It took us talking it out for me to go AHA, I get it now. She needs me to repeat things so she feels validated. That little nugget has really helped us. The other thing that's new is.....she may have worn me down about a dog. She's been wanting a dog for literally years. I've had a firm NO for many of those....but if there's any kid who deserves/needs an animal it's my girl. She has a unique connection with animals/dogs especially that is really amazing to watch. We'll be waiting for the bus in the morning and people walking their dogs go by. The dogs walk right by my son and I and a few feet up where my girl is they go right up to her. I tell her all the time she's a 'dog whisperer'....and animals sense things. She's just got that soul animals are drawn too. So, I agreed to at least consider. That's not a hard no, but it's not a yes. We went to a dog shelter this past weekend and it moved her to tears. She just loves dogs so much. For me, it made me so anxious listening to the barking, my throat itch and my chest tight since I'm allergic to most animals, and cover my nose from the stench.  She wasn't bothered by any of it. So, we've been researching hypoallergenic dogs because that may be the only way we can do this. My son of course has allergies too, so I guess we will see. I personally could not have a dog and I'd be fine, but for my girl, it could be life changing. And talking about maturing-my girl only has 2 baby teeth left, wears a size 5 shoe, and XL 14/16 youth. I even purchased adult XS so I could get her pajama pants long enough.

The way I look at things is, there is always time to work.....being home w/ my kids who need me right now is where I need to be. It's where I want to be. Do I love making dinner...no. But, I'm finding so much to fill my days and I really did learn a lot in that I need socialization, I need to have a sense of accomplishment, and I need to be easy on myself.....I'm sure this time will be fleeting too. At some point, something else will change and we'll be on to the next.