Changes 2.0

 And just like that....things have changed again.  I am once again a full time stay at home mom.

I started my job back in May, fully knowing that the headquarters was an hour (50+ miles) from where I live. I had always thought, ok, they work a hybrid schedule so driving that far only 3 days a week was doable. I also told myself that if I worked downtown I'd likely have an hour commute each way also, so what would be the difference? I also knew that it might take a bit of time for me to find a part time nanny, but it was definitely doable. I also knew that my kids get sick a lot, but it's fine, we'd work through it.

What I didn't count on was a) many times it wasn't just an hour commute. It was an hour+ in addition to heavy traffic on that end going and coming b) it took me over a month to find a new nanny. I reached out to every avenue I could think of like next door app, mom friends, sitter city, care, and I even called some nanny agencies, our work EAP, highschoolers, etc...and the biggest problem was noone seemed to want a very part time job, noone wanted a split shift am/pm, even though only 3 days a week and hourly rate was good. I had no clue how hard it would be to find someone. I even considered looking for 2 people, one just for am and one for pm, but noone wanted that either. We ended up hiring a nanny through our neighbor, but she didn't speak english too well. After a short while I realized she barely spoke/understood english and we needed to have her son translate. We could have muddled through but I got worried when she said she understood me, but then I saw she didn't. In addition, my kids didn't feel comfortable talking w/ her because they didn't think she understood. So when they got home from school my text and phone would start ringing (they can reach out directly just to me through their Ipads) asking me what they should have asked the nanny. "Mom, can I have a popsicle?".  Also, my daughter sensed she wasn't firm, so rolled over her quite easily. The language barrier proved to be too much c) because of all of the stress I ended up getting sick on/off for about 6 weeks with flu/throwing my back out, covid, and stomach flu. My kids also had something on/off for the same amount of time. d) there was very little flexibility with the days you were expected to be in the office. They were very conservative in many ways and a lot less progressive than I expected. 

So....I quit. What put me over the edge was on one occasion I found myself leaving my sick daughter home by herself so I could be present in the office. Then a few weeks later I felt pressure to do it again when my son and my daughter were both home sick. Our nanny didn't have the flexibility to stay w/them because she had a grown special needs child she took care of after she came in the morning. So I drove to the office and once I got there I just melted down. There is nothing on this earth more important than my kids. I will never choose a job over my family, ever. So, I simply drove home that day to take care of my sick babies. And after that weekend went by....I resigned. Thank you, but no thank you. And that was that after 4 months. My kids are so much happier w/ me not working and frankly so am I. There was a significant amount of stress which showed up for me in exhaustion and getting sick. I have never been sick that often, so it was my body's way of saying...nope. too much. And I have not been sick since I quit. I'm trying to think if I feel 'bad' in some way for quitting, but I really don't. I told myself that if it didn't work out, I could always just say no. I didn't financially 'need' the job. Although getting a regular paycheck again was pretty nice.I think I'll likely poke around and see what else is out there but I think my must haves are remote and/or west side of the city where we live. My commute can't be longer than 30 minutes max. I'm going to look into contract work and see what kind of a market there is for that as well. It might be good to do something non-traditional i.e. work only some of the time. Will see.

I learned a lot from being a stay at home mom last time for 2 years so now that I'm home again, I'm doing things slightly differently. I am allowing myself to take a nap if I want and not judge or put any feeling on it. It just is. Then I need to be 'productive' the rest of the day with something. So, I decided to make a list of things that I need to do, and I must do something, at least one thing from that list every day. I love to cross off things and it will help me to see that I am accomplishing a lot.

So far I have:

Paid my kols bill, made and went to a hair appointment, organized my son's birthday gift cards, bought printer ink for my printer, scheduled bug guy, logged and filed my rental receipts, finished the interior on my rental apartment, listed and got it rented in 1 day!, cancelled the electricity at the apartment, went to lowes and got light bulbs, spray paint, key chains, and filters, I actually put a bulb back in the pendant light that's been missing for over 6 months, I had a ticket that I needed to check on if they got my paperwork, called att to get a new promotion on my cable/internet--still working this one, spent countless hours working on insurance issue with my son's current allergy office-finally got them to agree to release us from a ridiculous $880 charge and go to a new office, scheduled that new appointment quickly so we could just keep going w/ his treatment, but then insurance issues w/ them and dr. finally said he'd have to start over w/ shots anyway (even though my son has spent the last 4 months once a week getting 4 shots at a time...so mad), so just Friday decided to wait until the new year., spent countless hours trying to decide what dental insurance to start so I can finally get this next tooth removed-then opened an envelope I had sitting there to realize I can keep my current dental insurance and pay the full premium-yay, so signed up to continue that. Signed up for health insurance on healthcare government website after spending countless hours trying to see who was/wasn't in the network, spent countless hours calling new healthcare insurance to try and understand how allergy shots would work and getting premiums set up, etc., worked on getting designing and bids for my rental landscape, and once that's done I'll relist the house for rent, have gone to the grocery store several times, called EAP to set up therapy--researched the list, crossed several out, called to make consultation appts, narrowed down to 2, but decided to wait for new insurance and pick from there, closed out an insurance issue w/ kids dentist and rescheduled and took them to their appointments, scheduled and went to an ortho consult for my son (at 8), went to a follow up w/ my own dentist on the implant that's still bothering me after 2 months, he's saying it's fine. Wanted to start seeing new dentist, so reached out to one referred by oral surgeon, and he will accept me only because I was referral, so scheduled appointment this thursday, got my daughter scheduled to see new children's hospital Dr. before current insurance expires. Many phone calls because she was originally scheduled in December, but I basically begged to get her moved up due to insurance and we'd been waiting since June to get in. Took her to that appointment last week. Prior to that appointment spent several phone calls trying to get her records from Dr. sent over. Followed up again on a credit the city of water owes me from a year ago. Now it's the principal of the thing. Helping my sister for many hours trying to help her start using the software as it's designed so she can bill people from a system. A few things not even on my list were 1) cleaning by hand the 3 light pendants above my stove and 2) trying to see if my whirlpool tub will ever get the gunk out by using a highly rated cleaner (did the process 5 times yesterday and today). Still not there.

I kept thinking I was working hard but now that I've literally listed out all that I've been working on....oh em gee. It has been a lot. I stopped working at the beginning of October so it hasn't even been a month! I've literally got a new full time job making and going to appointments, doing email and phone calls. Too bad they don't pay us to be stay at home moms. I think things will slow down w/ insurance 'stuff' because we will be signed up and ready to go w/ the new ones.

As for the kiddos, things are ok. We are still in the middle of soccer season so my son does practice Mon and Wed from 5-6--I actually can take him again and I really enjoy this a lot. It's just fun for me to see him learn and grow and be pretty darn good. His Coach Blackman is the same one he had the first season last Spring when we started this league. He is SO good.  What I can't believe is how much my son is growing...he weighs like 77 lbs, is 49 inches. He wears boys youth clothes now, and we've already passed the 6's, 7's...he's in 8-10 size. He wears a size 3 shoe. He had a basketball themed birthday and the cake was from a professional bakery--looking like a basketball. This is the first year he cared about it, really. And it was the first year he invited his friends. So Aarav, Pedro, Matias, Caleb, James, Teddy, Hugo, Leah, and Madison all celebrated w/ him. We gave out basketballs as gifts...Amy made a court in our driveway out of black tape. It's still there and the kids love it. Really good day.

Thankfully this school year is going better for him. I made an aha the other day that things last year were hard for him at home and at school--no wonder he was throwing his backpack everyday. I would too. This year he has a better fit for teachers and he's got a few buddies in his class. He also really likes spending fridays at GT, where they do all kinds of 'stuff' like building things, experimenting, etc.. Wish they would allow him to progress further in math, which is totally his thing. I did reach out to his teacher to see what she recommends, so will see. I got their first 9 week grades and he had all A's and his math was 100, A+. Crazy.  I mentioned earlier he had an ortho consult, so here we go again trying to decide if 2 phases of braces make sense. This time, the Dr. suggested an expander, then braces on just 4 teeth on top, and maybe the 4 on bottom too. I just don't know if it's worth it. But, I do know his teeth are wompy already and he has big teeth, very small mouth. It might make sense?

My girl is doing better right now that she's over her last virus...she ended up w/ a raging sore throat and I thought for sure it would be strep....an urgent care and pediatrician stop later we learned she had coxsackievirus...which can be hand/foot for little kids, but for bigger it can show up as ulcers in the throat. This poor kid can not catch a break. I'm waiting for my new insurance to kick in so we can re-establish with a new pediatrician--again. The hospital system one is no longer in our new insurance network and quite frankly, I wasn't impressed. We also couldn't get her in there on Friday or monday when she was sick w/ this latest virus so I just said forget it, let's go back to the old one for now. I think what we need is for us to be part of an entire 'system'....where pediatrician, rheumatology, and now perhaps immunology can work together. Her newest Dr. appointment also confirmed that it is abnormal for her to get these sicknesses that linger for weeks, in addition, how often she gets sick is not normal. I can't agree more. It just makes me so frustrated that we've had such a rough time finding experts and frankly a pediatrician who gives a sh*&t to help us figure out what we need to do to help my child.

I'm excited for her she decided to join this 'club' for 5th grade girls called heart to heart. They meet every other Tuesday at someone's house. It's actually a bible study of sorts and we aren't religious, but her friend Parker asked if she wanted to go w/ her and she decided to join. She said she likes it, even though she doesn't share much about it. Personally, I think she likes being a 'walker' afterschool and gets to go home w/ Parker, then I pick the girls up and take her home, and they give them candy each time. But hey, if it gets her to socialize around a bigger group of her peers, there's learning in there as well. She also decided she wants to sign up for basketball in the winter league with her brother. We haven't done this league before but our school district does basketball, soccer (which my son is in now, and both of them did last spring) and football. Our experience has been great, so I hope that continues. I'm a bit worried about having 2 practices a week and games on Saturday for her, as it might be a bit much, especially if she gets sick....but we'll see how it goes. She's doing pretty well for grades at school except math isn't her strong suit...she got a B in that, and the rest A's. I totally hold both kids responsible for any type of homework they have i.e. I don't nag them or even ask much about it. If they don't do it, they have the consequence of not turning it in and having it impact their grades. It works better that way because even if I try to help my girl, it doesn't usually go well. She doesn't like me telling her what to do....go figure. She also helped our neighbor at our neighborhood Fall festival...she helped with the tattoo stand. I was so proud of her....and she came happier than I had seen her in a long time. She was able to experience a lot of her favorite things at one time-being around people, arts/crafts, and candy. 

They are both super-psyched to go trick or treating tomorrow. My girl will wear her cat costume, my son will wear...who knows, really. He hasn't planned it out and really just cares about getting some chocolate! I think this year they will split up and my girl will go w/ our neighbor w/ the smaller grandkids and my son will go w/ his buddies. I might just stay inside and hide. Well, not true....if the weather's good I'm sure I'll either sit out w/ the neighbors in the circle giving out candy, or walk a lap w/ my girl and the littles, etc..

These times are fast and fleeting. My girl will be going to middle school next year. My son will be in third grade. At some point, it's not cool for mom to watch practices so I'm soaking it all in now. No idea when the next phase of 'growth' is moving to more mature, big kids. But I see signs of it all the time.....the conversations we have are much more rich. My son's vocabulary is much bigger than I thought and I have to say, it's like talking to myself. We have the same sense of humor and I really just enjoy hanging out w/ him. My girl and I were able to have a really deep discussion about how we connect with each other and how we 'hear' each other....I learned a valuable lesson in that for her, it's important that I reiterate what I think she said because it makes her feel heard. If I jump into what I'm thinking without acknowledging what she said, she feels like I'm arguing with her and she will argue back. It took us talking it out for me to go AHA, I get it now. She needs me to repeat things so she feels validated. That little nugget has really helped us. The other thing that's new is.....she may have worn me down about a dog. She's been wanting a dog for literally years. I've had a firm NO for many of those....but if there's any kid who deserves/needs an animal it's my girl. She has a unique connection with animals/dogs especially that is really amazing to watch. We'll be waiting for the bus in the morning and people walking their dogs go by. The dogs walk right by my son and I and a few feet up where my girl is they go right up to her. I tell her all the time she's a 'dog whisperer'....and animals sense things. She's just got that soul animals are drawn too. So, I agreed to at least consider. That's not a hard no, but it's not a yes. We went to a dog shelter this past weekend and it moved her to tears. She just loves dogs so much. For me, it made me so anxious listening to the barking, my throat itch and my chest tight since I'm allergic to most animals, and cover my nose from the stench.  She wasn't bothered by any of it. So, we've been researching hypoallergenic dogs because that may be the only way we can do this. My son of course has allergies too, so I guess we will see. I personally could not have a dog and I'd be fine, but for my girl, it could be life changing. And talking about maturing-my girl only has 2 baby teeth left, wears a size 5 shoe, and XL 14/16 youth. I even purchased adult XS so I could get her pajama pants long enough.

The way I look at things is, there is always time to work.....being home w/ my kids who need me right now is where I need to be. It's where I want to be. Do I love making dinner...no. But, I'm finding so much to fill my days and I really did learn a lot in that I need socialization, I need to have a sense of accomplishment, and I need to be easy on myself.....I'm sure this time will be fleeting too. At some point, something else will change and we'll be on to the next.

It was the Best of Times....It was the Worst of Times

Last time I wrote about what was likely our best day all summer.  I'm now going to tell you about likely our worst time this summer/Fall.

Covid 2.0.

I can't even begin to say how hard life has been for the last few weeks. It all started on Wednesday August 31st. I was at a company meeting all day in a room of 50 people. By the end of the day I was starting to feel fatigued, which is not unusual, but after driving home I was noticing my throat starting to burn/hurt.  Both of my kids have been sick since the 1st-2nd week of school so that fun statistic continues. Anyway, both of them have had coughs, sore throats, runny noses, fatigue, mild fevers, etc....you name it, they had it.  I just assumed it was finally catching up with me. I didn't work Thursday and I got progressively worse over the Labor day holiday weekend...aches, major head congestion, raging headaches which I rarely get, mild fever.  I was just taking dayquil/nyquil/advil in order to get some relief. Then Sunday comes and I picked up a laundry item and couldn't smell the detergent or dryer sheet smell. Funny enough I was picking it up because my son said it was clean and I didn't believe him, so I tried to smell. Then I was eating something, likely a popsicle since we had a ton of them in the house from everyone being sick, and I could taste it was sweet, but was missing some of the flavor.  Crap.  As soon as that happened I took an at home test on Sunday evening and the sample line as screaming RED before the control line even had time to show up. I thought the sample line WAS the control line w/ how quickly it popped up, and dark as could be.

Of course with the holiday on Monday I let work know Tuesday I wasn't coming and spoke to the office nurse. She said since I was having symptoms to just go ahead and stay home the rest of the week. That part was the silver lining in all this because I have had the heavy burden of trying to find adequate part time childcare and have been striking out everywhere.  Our summer babysitter went back to college almost a month ago....I've been managing it through my work from home days and our neighbor.

I'd say this time around was in some ways harder because it was more painful....the headache was something I've never experienced.....just relentless.  And let's not forget I'm a single mom with 2 younger kids.  I did what I could to survive during the worst of it. I had food delivered, I had groceries delivered...I let the kids watch as much Ipad as their eyes would allow...I moved from the couch to the chair.  Chair to the couch. For days........I did call my Dr. and had a virtual visit on last Tuesday. It was a bit worthless because she said since I'm vaccinated, boosted, and past the initial few days of symptom onset, and my breathing was fine...that there wasn't much she could do. Flonase. That was all she suggested. Big sigh.

This time was equally as hard when it came to trying to keep a household running when so sick and by myself.  Amy did not come as she was helping someone in her family, and my sister offered but I just didn't know how I felt about that so I said no. It's hard.  It's lonely.  At the end of the day, I do just rely on me. I've said all along there is not much harder things than being sick and taking care of sick people.  It wretched. Noone feels well, everyone's grouchy and tired. noone sleeps well. you just want to feel better. and I missed my mom more than ever. Tomorrow is the anniversary and she will have been gone 14 years. That's likely a separate post.

Thankfully this go round was not as long...last time was around 17 days before a glimmer of feeling better...this time it was about 7 days when I finally started to feel slightly better where I could sit up and think. Then rested as much as you can when you have no help and children. Today I think I'm at 95% which is so much better than where I was a week and a half ago. 

Suffice it to say, I do have such a gratitude for my health. 

Best Day

 I think we just had our best day all summer.  

We've had such ups and downs with so many different things. As I mentioned before, my girl has had a rough one these last several months.  We've had a lot of issues w/ what we call 'fussies'....varying degrees of irritability throughout days, then things get really tough in the evenings. I mentioned also that we've been working with a few Dr.s and most recently one of them said he's not sure the medicine she's taking is really doing much good. Things have been so inconsistent that they'll go well for awhile, then when she gets any kind of illness, things just fall apart, and it takes so long for her to bounce back, if she even does....and if not, try something else to help. It's been a cycle we've been in for a 3 years now. But what's been helpful is we started seeing a new Dr. since last August, a whole year now. He's now experienced an entire year of trying a variety of medications, some were total disasters, some seem to work for short periods...again, until she gets sick w/ anything that tends to last weeks and weeks. We've been working to get pulled into the children's hospital system, where we are already established with a rheumatologist, but now pediatrician, and hopefully a few other specialties so we can work as a coordinated team. 

That's what's been so challenging thus far is that 1) the "specialists" around here are quite underwhelming and we live in a major city....it took us 4 Dr.'s to finally (by dumb luck) get referred to the one we have now. He's amazing. He's the one that paved the road to help us get in to see the children's hospital Dr. But, he's not in the children's hospital system himself (although he was in the past and that's why he's recommending we get 'under one roof'). 2) Our previous pediatrician has not been helpful AT ALL in helping us navigate any of this. If it's beyond a common cold or a well-visit, she would pull out her sheet of referrals and say, choose one. Never seemed to be interested in helping us dig deeper. I think the final straw was when she looked at me, crying in front of her over how hard things were and asking for additional support, and she said, 'I don't have time for this'. Never apologized to this day....so, my son is still at their office, but just sees a new Dr.. I'm not ready to change practices with my son yet because I need to make sure the new one for my girl works out well first. We've only been there once and I didn't love that Dr. either, so we are trying a new one in the same practice tied to the children's hospital for my girls' well visit coming soon. I hope she's more impressive. The first one said Oh yeah, I know the rheumatologist that referred you to our practice. She's good.  Funny....the rheumatologist is a HE. 3) After 3 years we don't exactly have any definitive on what exactly the issue is.  She doesn't neatly fit into any particular bucket and that's what has been so tricky....in addition, she doesn't react at all to medications in a typical way, which has made this road so challenging. 4) Child therapists here suck. They just do. We've been to 3 different ones--with one of the last ones saying 'look, I cost a lot of money. And, I can't help you', interviewed at least 2 more.....I refuse to believe my expectations are too high. If you can't connect with my child, then you aren't right for us at all.  So many don't even call you back. Most, I'd say 90% of the "recommended" ones also don't accept insurance. It has made me feel like this profession is full of quacks, and I'm exhausted trying to find a good one. And noone wants to talk about if their child sees one because you can't get a friend 'referral' out of anyone. The school counselor suggestions landed us with hey, can't help you. Her current Dr. has recommendations but they are almost 45 minutes away if in person. It may be worth it at this point.

All of this to say, it has been a hard road. So back to the fact that the Dr. has suggested the medicine likely isn't helping, and in fact might be doing more harm than good. Things don't stay consistent and and on top of that, my girl has put on 18 lbs in one year. The typical norm is 5-7lbs. That in and of itself is causing a whole other set of issues w/ body image and self esteem. So, he said we need to just stop everything and get a baseline. We stopped one a few months ago and it seemed to be going ok. We tried to stop the current one in July and it was a sh&t show. Back to my comment about she doesn't have typical reactions to anything.  So, with help from the Dr. we decided to try again and just tough it out. Stop it, and see how it goes....we did that one Wednesday this past week.  It's not been easy. I will say this.....no parent wants their child to suffer. No parent wants to think they've done something to make things worse for their kid, when the only goal was to try and find something to help.  I've had a hard time lately feeling bad and second guessing a lot of things. I think back over the past year and how when things started to escalate last year, I was a fish out of water. I had no idea what was happening, why it was happening, and what to do about it.  I made a lot of mistakes. I recently talked to my girl about this and told her I was so so sorry for how I handled things in the past and could she forgive me. I was so proud of her, because she responded and said 'mom, you did the best you could. We all have feelings'. I hope she firmly believes that. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard things have been. All that to say, after having more time researching, reading as much as I can wherever I can, and dealing with our new 'normal', Ive been able to stay more calm, be more supportive, and let my girl see how no matter what, I've got her back. I'm there for here...I will support her....and I love her. I've learned how to praise her in tough times for the things she can do. I've recently thought more about how hard things must have been for her....and the one person she could rely on was struggling. That's created some guilt for me. But, it's just shifted my focus/heart about when things are currently happening, I can come at it from a place of empathy. What I think has been most healing is we can talk to each other and I've told her everything I'm putting out here.

So, all that back story to say that today was such a wonderful day I am filled with joy. My heart is warm.

It started with us just relaxing together, doing ipads and phone. Then I said hey, let's go get some healthy salads together. We went to our favorite place and the three of us sitting there, talking, no fussing, enjoying our meal--my son has always been into salads, but I finally got my girl to enjoy them too. We had agreed earlier we would do one errand for each kid. My son needed new athletic shorts and of course online was sold out, so I looked up where they were in a store in the area. We set out after lunch and just had so much fun talking in the 30 minute car ride, making jokes with each other...laughing. All of us laughing. We get to the store and no meltdowns from anyone--even my son who can't stand shopping...Found the shorts that are becoming a needle in haystack to find. We then drive home and while we were driving my girl asked to play music from songs I had on my phone. So we have our 'family' songs we all love, which we then all 3 start singing, laughing some more, and just enjoying the trip back to our close to home target--we needed to get school snack items, some basics, and my girl wanted to spend some of her birthday money on a poke mon item. The store was a zoo, but after that we came home and we again relaxed with our ipads/phone. Then, I made the most healthy dinner with simple stuff....eggs (scrambled for my son, boiled for my girl), avocado, strawberries. At 6:30 pm we turn off all electronics and do family time. We started to play yatzee, but neither was too interested so decided while my son was in the bath, my girl and I would check off her school supply list and she'd pack up her bags ready for tomorrow. Then my girl took her bath while my son organized his poke mon cards. We came back together, had some snacks and watched the cartoon Big city green. If you haven't seen it, you should. I literally laugh outloud almost every show....and it takes a lot for me to do that. We made a deal ahead of time because my girl asked to watch both shows of the episode and I said okay, BUT, they need to agree to having a calm bedtime. They went, brushed teeth, a few shenanigans.....but then after kisses they both took themselves into their rooms, turned lights off when I asked at 9:15pm. Then peacefully went to sleep at 9:30pm. (an hour after normal bedtime but hey, this day was so good).

It felt like magic.  We went from having a serious meltdown yesterday unlike one we haven't seen in almost a year (which I'm still mad at the neighbor boy for being such a jerk to my girl)......to having the best day as a family we've had in so long.  Big sigh of relief. And happiness.

School starts in a few days and we are all getting excited....we find out teacher assignments tomorrow morning, meet the teacher tomorrow evening, and first day of school is Wednesday.  I have a 2nd and 5th grader. Wow.  Here's to hoping my girl's last year of elementary is a great one, and here's to my son actually liking school enough to not throw his backpack everyday after school when he gets home. It's the little wins.

Still working on childcare...but one thing at a time, right?

Trip

Sunflower I sincerely appreciate your comments on last post--complete light bulb. Yes, my son was tested for talented and gifted in kinder and was only 1 of 2 kids out of 120+ that tested in at that age. Ironically, I seem to research everything and haven't researched at all about talented and gifted kids even though I have one. I honestly never put two and two together and you are totally right. As you listed out the things your daughter struggles with that align w/ my son, I just never thought about it. And now that I know, I need to start learning more and see how I can better help him at school. The 'challenge' program is what they call it at school, but I'm a bit underwhelmed with it. In kinder he went on Fridays for a few hours. Then last year, it's still only one day a week and supposed to be an all day pull out program, but it only ended up being 4 hours/Friday.  This upcoming year, not sure yet.  It's also ironic that he is me....as a boy. It should have dawned on me because I have a similar personality and had some of the same struggles he does. He looks like me, he's sensitive like me, he loves his mama, he's smart, he's competitive, he's athletic. We do get along really well, it's just natural because we like the same things. My mom had to advocate for me way back when because in rural country in the midwest we didn't even have a talented and gifted program...my mom helped make one! I taught myself how to read at like 4 maybe? Green eggs and ham. I took the book, climbed up on my mom's lap and read it. She told me this story over and over because she thought I had just memorized it. So, she picked out different words and I knew them.  My son learned to read the same way...one day he literally just started reading. All that to say, very helpful in figuring out where next to look for ideas, info, support, etc.. Also, funny you thought lawyer as my Dad told me from a very young age I'd make a very good one:)

The kids were at Amy's in New Orleans from Sunday last week until Saturday yesterday I picked up my son 1/2 way. The kids (well my son started the conversation) about just wanting to take a trip...which I totally understood. They had been mostly together for 2 months. I'd want a change of scenery too. So last weekend I drove both of them 1/2 way, Amy picked them up, and I drove back home to the really quiet house.  In theory, it sounded wonderful. It's been a rough summer, so to not have to cook for anyone, worry about bedtime, brushing teeth, wearing clean clothes, getting snacks, what activity.....all that, I could just put aside and just focus on me.

It wasn't fun. 

At all.

It started with just trying to drive away after meeting up....I was crying so hard and could not stop. Of course the kids were like mama it's ok!, which I know, but I was still just sad to drive away from them. I cried for about 1/2 hour on the way home. Then, my anxiety with them gone was through the roof. I was not relaxed, I didn't sleep well, I worried constantly about something happening to them, the dog over there is still awful and of course scratched my son a few times. One night I literally didn't sleep at all....I finally got tired around 4am, laid on the couch and closed my eyes....then heard some noise, eyes wide open, scaring feelings, etc..so I ended up getting up and starting work at 5am. I just couldn't do it anymore. I have no idea why it was this tough, but it just was.

Thankfully, they had a good week but my son was missing mama after a few days...I was hopeful they would stay a week and maybe even almost a second (even though it was hard for me), and then come back with Amy because she was coming back to visit anyway, so that would cut out a round trip drive, but by the end of this past week, my son was just ready...he'd had enough of being gone, and being with his sister. He wanted a break. Plan was to go and pick just him up and let my girl stay longer so she could have a break too and my son could get some alone time with just mom.

So, yesterday I drove out 1/2 way (about 3 hours) and met up with the kids. As I drove into the parking lot both kids were by the car, standing there waving with these big smiles on their faces....my heart started welling up! I parked and then my son ran over to me, and even my girl we hugged and hugged and hugged. It just felt so good to have them back in my presence, I could touch them....they were ok. We ended up just sitting together, eating lunch....and my girl let me even hug her in public (big deal). She even wanted to sit next to me at lunch since she wasn't coming back with us.

All was fine until we started transferring the stuff from their car to mine and my girl started to get a little sad. I could see it in her face....I asked if she was ok and she said no, she kinda wished she could come home with us. I was really surprised to hear that....all along I thought she really didn't miss home/me that much and could care less about being away. So,  I talked through with her how she was feeling......and her little lip started quivering and she started to get these big crocodile tears. Oh my did my heart melt for her...no mama wants to see their child sad. I told her maybe she just wasn't ready to be away by herself and it's ok, she could come home. She seemed so relieved and then she went and got her few things (they hadn't packed her stuff) and we were all in my car figuring out the plan to get her stuff, etc.. and I asked if it was ok w/ my son. Well, as you can imagine, he had already planned to have his own time w/ mom.  My girl then said she was not wanting to let Amy down, but was torn because she wanted to go, and wanted to stay at the same time. I explained how when we get sad, it's hard to make decisions....and that was ok. Poor kid she just kept saying she didn't know what to do. I told her honey, it's totally ok to go, and it's totally ok to stay, I'm ok either way.....then she started thinking more and decided maybe she would go back for another several days because she wanted to play with the dog, go play with the few little kids around, etc..That's the other thing, I don't usually see her indecisive. Once she makes up her mind, she's done, and usually that's it.  After some time, she finally decided she would go back w/ Amy.  Once she got back in the other car and we were all ready to leave again, there I go crying....just the thought of her driving away...not with me, it's just got me sad. I know it didn't help the situation. I walked over to the car one more time to make sure she was ok and of course as I was crying, she was crying.  I told her mama was going to be ok.  My biggest thing was, because she was so upset, I wanted to make sure she was doing what she really wanted to do, and not what she thought others wanted her to do. And she said more firmly, she was ok and she would go back. I felt better then.

All this time I truly didn't think she missed me, or cared that she wasn't home. She can be so aloof at times, that's hard to really know how she's feeling. So to see how sad she got....to see how much she was conflicted about staying or going....to see how much she missed me, to see how much she cried, and to see her get so emotional, I wasn't prepared for all that.

Turns out, it wasn't just me.....

As my son and I were watching them driving away it got really quiet in the back seat....I asked son, are you ok?....silence.  I just reached back and handed him a tissue.  Turns out, someone else was sad to see his sister go too.

After all those tears and emotions, we were just spent.....so headed back home and once we got here I truly expected things to be easier...one kid, c'mon....the kid who usually listens and behaves. Sounds so easy, right? Surprise....my son has been a complete bear since coming home. He was exhausted last night and oh so grumpy just being here, getting ready for bed, being extra fussy. I thought ok, he's tired, tomorrow will be better. Today, not so much.....we ended up needing go buy him some school clothes and that's one thing he just can't stand, shopping. But with school around the corner and it was just him and I, it made sense. He grumped and grumbled and groaned the entire time. At one point he just laid on the floor at the store and closed his eyes. He was over it. Dude, mama doesn't like shopping either, but you need new clothes for school. I don't want to buy a bunch of things, just to return them when they don't fit. It was like pulling teeth. Even when we got home he's been a bit sarcastic and grouchy. SO not what I expected. I even tried to have him help me stretch, which normally is not an issue and which both kids do from time to time, and he just kept getting frustrated like he thought he wasn't doing it right? Who knows.....

So, early this evening I ended up telling him fine, go get some uno cards and we can play a few games. I happened to be laying on the living room floor at the time. He found the cards and then said, 'Fine. Let's Play. Get up you Big Chubb'.  (apparently that's from some game or something I've heard the kids call each other that before)......and it just struck me funny. I howled laughing, which got him laughing.....and kind of lifted him out of his terrible mood.  Then, after we played a few games I told him about yahtzee and we actually found our game and I showed him how to play for the first time. Math and competition.....two things he loves.  And yes, he loved it.  He begged to play more games, but I held the line.....grumpy needed to get some sleep.

And here I sit...thinking about my hour long commute tomorrow, hoping I get some good sleep, being a bit disappointed in that the lead for Fall babysitter didn't respond, the rental house is sloooowly getting finished and already reached out to contractors on a few things, reached out to another contractor to get moving on the 'make ready' in the apartment, got my son scheduled for Fall soccer, he decided no flag football, I reached out to my son's friends to find him a place to go Tuesday afternoon so babysitter doesn't need to come at all that day since I work from home, talked to the assistant principal about my girl and how we can support her at school this year....agreed we would do some testing to see if she needs any services at the start of the school year, preparing for a consult to have another tooth removed and implant....crazy enough I had the healing screw in the last implant for 6 months so I could start my new insurance, but it's been totally ridiculous to finish it up at my current dentist office....dentist couldn't get the new one in, came back a second time with nitrous oxide (did not like at all) and he got it it, but the finished crown didn't fit, so they had to send that back and put on a temporary....then the temporary wasn't made correctly with a sharp edge that cut my cheek and created a huge ulcer in my mouth....I've literally been to the dentist 4 TIMES and 5 hours to finalize the implant crown....and it's still not done!! ( 1) for mold (1 hour) 2) couldn't get abutment screw in (1 hour) 3) got screw in but then crown was screwed up (2 hours) 4) temporary crown not right (1 hour) 5) eventually new crown put back in.) So frustrating....total tangent, but I've literally spent so much time doing this that I hesitate wanting to do this all over again with another tooth.

If I think about what I do day in and day out, it's no wonder I'm tired!!  There is a lot to juggle with summer, upcoming school, doctors (my son is now doing allergy shots and we are fighting w/ insurance about that too), work, landlord stuff, school shopping, my own stuff.

I'm just going to sign off now, relax, and have some melatonin before bed. It really does help to relax and fall asleep. Not as much to stay asleep, but some improvement better than none.

My daughter's first meal she actually cooked by herself--she learned how to make a fried egg, and cooked her own pancake. I could not be more proud of her. She really has a knack for cooking and baking, and she really enjoys it. Our neighbor loves cooking and has allowed her to help make crepes. I think that built her confidence and how she wants to try more things. So exciting! Another thing our neighbor showed her is making her own ramen noodles...they gave us this fancy counter top water kettle you just plug in, pour water over noodles, and walah, soup. Have you ever read the back of ramen for ingredients? I recommend you don't.

Summer 2022

Here we are mid, already starting towards end of summer. The kids go back to school August 17. We also have some birthdays coming right around the corner. This year 8 and 10. Nuts. Once again I planned to write several times now but just didn't do it. Lots of thoughts about things I wanted to say and capture and 2 whole months has gone by.

Some highlights are that we hired a babysitter Jenny who is home from college. It's been working out just fine. She's very dependable and she's keeping them safe. We had a bit of a hiccup in that she forgot to mention she is taking summer school and would need to be on her computer from 10-12 every day, which kind of threw a kink in having a morning and afternoon activity, but we've made it work. Her schedule is to come M, W, TH from 6:45-6:00 to allow me time to get to work, and work, then get home. So the other days we shorten it...TUE, FRI I work from home so she comes at 12:30 after her class. I was hopeful she'd be able to proactively keep the kids occupied, figure out where to take them, etc. but she needed more guidance and direction. If I told her what to do/when it worked out better. She's helpful with errands and some grocery shopping so its fine.  Where we've struggled is my girl hasn't had the best summer. She's had a lot of high irritability, and with that comes some challenging behavior. The babysitter isn't really equipped to handle her "fussies" as we call them, so there have been a few days where she's had to call me to intervene.  My girl also realized quickly that the babysitter wasn't super firm, so she would test her often and see what she could get away with.  I wish I could say things have improved significantly, but no....it's been tough. I am working with her current Dr., a children's hospital dr., and the hope of referrals with the hospital network.  Nothing is fast, there is not a sense of urgency from anyone. Meanwhile, we wait and try adjusting things and I learn more about different ways to manage to see what helps and doesn't.They've still had fun, I think, doing a variety of things like swimming pools, bowling, put put golf, bike riding, chucky cheeses, library, bouncy places, rope climbing places, etc.. About a month left to go.

I already started preparing for the new year the Fall. I actually explored private schools, just online, this summer because this past year for my son was really just bad. He was in a classroom with at least 5 behavioral issues and a teacher who was new to teaching first grade, and won't be doing it again after this year. He just was unhappy most of this year.....he'd come home, slam his bag down, stomp around. A few times he said he hated school. It broke my heart to see how frustrated he was a lot of the time. I did reach out on several occasions whether it be trying to get with the teacher to see how she could help him flex and give him more challenging work....or to find out why so and so was pinching or hitting him, etc.. My son is not a small kid, nor is he not willing to fight back. It's just that he doesn't like conflict so he'll make the peace, then stew about it. He also really struggled w/ kids not following rules. At school he is very much a 'by the book' kind of kid, so when others were acting crazy, he just couldn't understand why. Also, his teacher would hold the whole class from doing x y z until everyone behaved and a) I completely disagree with that model and b) drove my son batty.

So, I wrote a lengthy email to the principal about a month ago sharing some of my concerns about the academics and the class structure. I asked if she'd be open to a conversation and she was.  She seemed very open to hearing the feedback and did acknowledge there were many issues in his last years' classroom. She said that he is assigned to a 'seasoned' teacher this upcoming year and thinks it will be a much better fit. The teacher has experience working with kids who need some extra challenge.  I have to trust what she says.  I also know that I will escalate faster and higher if I see that he's having some of the same issues. I feel like early years of school should be great! He's been not super happy in kinder and first.

We've had a lot of talks as a family lately.  My son is developing in his communication and has been vocal about some things he's been struggling with.....he feels like his sister is taking away from his quality time with mom. He said I spend a lot of time dealing with her "fussies" and while I'm doing that, he's in my room until it's calm again. So, he's right, actually. He said he wants to spend more time with just me, and I am working to make that happen. Last week we had 'special' day. I told him I'd be open to whatever he wanted and he chose mcdonalds for lunch (his favorite), i let him get a soda which I rarely do--and diet coke at that which is like a never because of well...it's just not healthy. Another night after his sister when to sleep I snuck in his room and said hey, c'mere. He was so surprised and so happy that I allowed him to come back out and watch wheel of fortune..late! It really was nice to have calm, rock together, and watch a show I've loved since I was a kid--I'm creating a new generation of love for it. I think I let him stay up until 10pm. He loved it so much he came out of his room the following night and asked for more special time.  After 3 nights of it and having an awfully fussy day on the 4th, I reeled it back in.

It's a challenge I haven't figure out how exactly to manage.....I do feel like my son has had to deal with a lot for a 7 year old, and there are times it doesn't seem fair.  On the otherhand, he has completely shocked me with how tender and loving he can be in tough situations..towards me and his sister. As an example, last night was a rough night and after his sister calmed down she wanted to just be with her brother and lay her head in his lap. He allowed her to come, made a little pillow for her with his blanket, and was gently caressing her hair as he spoke to her. He told her how much he loved her and that he knows it's hard for her....and it's ok, he understands her brain works differently. like....bestill my heart. Such a gentle, old soul he is at only 7.  There's a part of me that feels like it's too much for him to comfort her, but the bigger part of me says that he feels helpful and can actually do something when things are tough. I ask him if he's okay and is he comfortable helping and he shakes his head yes.

He's also very much worried about his mama.....this feels very similar to how I felt when I grew up about my mom. I worried if she was upset with me, worried about something happening to her, etc. I didn't realize at the time that that's what anxiety is. I do see glimpses of that w/ my son. He is very much in tune with my emotions and any different tone or look he'll ask, 'are you mad at me?' 'are you sad'?. He'll say often that he's sorry that I have to deal with so much. I try to explain to him that as a mama, that's what I do. It's ok.....but he's smart enough to see that yes, sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I cry from frustration, sometimes I shout. So he knows it's hard. I am proud of him for how's he's communicating--he told me it really bothers him when I get upset. I thanked him for sharing that with me and tell him I'm trying my best to manage and Mom's not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I think that's what I try to really do with him is allow him space to communicate, share his emotions in safe space. He's built up a lot of anger....one of the ways he works through that now is he'll write on a piece of paper when he's mad.  He'll bring a paper that may have 20 F bombs on it, but I tell him how proud I am that he's letting his feelings out. I do think therapy would help him....all of us really. It's been nothing short of impossible to find a great therapist. It's been such a challenge. Now, he's got his own set of issues, but parenting him is much easier. He only takes one warning and he'll do what he's supposed to. He actually tells on himself when he's done something because I think it eats at him i.e. mom, I took the ipad in my room. Here you go. He has had some bright spots recently....he learned how to fart with his armpit.

I deeply love my son and I can see how sensitive he is. Interestingly enough, he does not care for my sister. And she struggles with him.....she doesn't realize how her tone comes across, and he internalizes it and thinks she's mad at him. That's a whole nother conversation I don't have the energy for this minute.

Speaking of energy, I've been back to work for 2 months now. The commute is at least an hour each way.....longer than I've had probably ever. So that's not fun....I've gotten to know the people I work with and found out that the woman I started with same day is also a single mom by choice. Her son is 3 about to turn 4 and she's in her 40's. What's crazy is she's the first person who's chosen the same path I did that I've gotten to know more than casually. It's been great.  What I'm learning too is I like using my brain again, I like the comradery....I'm not loving that the HR function is a lot further behind than I even expected. It makes me realize that I have worked in some pretty progressive HR functions and have a ton of good experience. Not sure I've even said on this blog what I do for a living! I do also enjoy getting a regular paycheck again. Feels good.

My next step is to start looking for a Fall kidsitter....since I work from home 2 days a week I'll need someone to come in the mornings and afterschool the other 3 days.  Unfortunately with the long commute I won't be able to drop off at school those 3 days...school start time has changed to 8:10 in the fall instead of 7:55am. So, with drop off at say 7:45, I wouldn't get to office until 8:45-9:00, work the day and leave at 6:00pm, not home until 7:00pm....that just doesn't work for me and our family. I'll figure it out....I always do. 

It's been triple digit actual temperatures as well as 'feels like' temperatures here in the South and oh man...it's miserable. Too hot to even be outside unless your swimming....and even then, the pool is like a bathtub. Can't wait for the Fall weather to roll in...maybe September. That's actually ok because I never made it a priority to take down our christmas tree so yup, it's already up ready to be decorated again in a few months. I'm also working on figuring out what sport or activity the kids want to get into, when the sign ups are--right now for many things. I actually have to plan which is not my strong suit. Im also finishing up repainting and updating my rental house with the garage apartment. Sounds simple, but I've been working on it w/ my slow contractor for 2 months. We are in the final stretch, which is good, because garage tenant is moving out and I'll need to relist. Also, the house tenant said he wants out of his lease, which I'm not too upset about because on both rentals I can now raise the rent!

Sunflower I appreciate your comment on my last post. I do read your blog and keep up with your family. Your girl is similar in age to mine and we are going through similar growth 'things' like first bras, etc. I could totally relate to your post.They are really becoming young ladies, aren't they.

Changes

Give things time and they usually change somehow....for me, my period of being a stay at home mom is coming to an end. After 2 years and 1 month, I'll head back into work this upcoming Monday. I've been saying for awhile that I think I'm ready for 'what's next', not exactly sure what that might be.  I had a good long run being at home full time and I learned quite a bit about life and myself. Here are some thoughts I have:

• I think the pandemic clearly changed in so many ways possible what a 'normal' change from work to stay at home would have been like. In March of 2020 we were just learning more about the virus and now we are showing 996,916 deaths in the united states. I remember early on when they were predicting 600,000 and I thought they were out of their minds then.  So so sad. Layer on that early fear--not wanting to touch anything, imagining breathing in something that could kill you, everything shutting down, me learning out of sheer necessity how to manage a day 24/7 with children....a schedule, cooking, tutoring, etc.. It was a bit mad.
• It can be very lonely.  I'm not a social person by nature, so I wasn't clamoring to join any 'clubs' and frankly w/ the pandemic, nothing was available even if I was looking. I'm imagining it may be different if you had a husband come home from work at the end of the day?....but I could be rose-coloring that because many married people say it's like adding another kid.
• After the shut down and kids went back to school in Fall of '21 I literally just exhaled. And slept and slept and slept. I think all of that sleeping was good in a way because I had been running of fumes for a long while....however, I also think it contributed to a depression I didn't realize I had gotten into.
• I do better when I have a 'forced structure' where I have to be somewhere. It was hard for me to put a schedule in place that was arbitrary and stick to it. If I made it, then I could change it. My follow through really lacked over the last few years.
• Which leads me to the fact that I procrastinate far more than I thought I did. It was waaay too easy to say eh....tomorrow.
• Having time doesn't mean you will get all the stuff done you've been saying 'If only I had more time'. I still have the boxes in my room stacked against the wall. Sadly, we've lived here this year going on 7 years.
• I'm not overweight because of work.  Another failed thinking....'if only I had time to work out, I'd be so much healthier'.  Nope. It's a choice. I've had two years to work on my health and I weigh more now than I ever have. Now, the depression didn't help that, that's for sure.  It's hard to know what to attribute things to.....was I not motivated because I was depressed? OR was I depressed because I had no motivation?  Maybe a little of both?  
• It's hard to make friends when you get older. It's even harder to make friends when you aren't around people by nature of work or school.
• I really love watching sports....when the pandemic happened and everything was cancelled, I remember watching a game for the first time in 6 months and I cried when they played the star spangled banner.
• I put pressure on myself that was unnecessary.  Especially about taking naps. I for some reason felt like taking a nap was something I 'shouldn't' do everyday.....and if I did, then it was wasteful. I'm wasting time! If I could rewind I would tell myself to just be.....and remove any self-imposed pressure about what 'should be'.
• I was able to completely release work stress and had NO idea how much I was carrying. I had lunch w/ an old colleague the other day and she was telling me all about some of the drama she was having w/ her coworker. I felt my chest tighten, I felt my shoulders clench, I felt the familiar stirring in my stomach....I was getting worked up by the story she was telling. And that used to be my daily existence.  Stress is awful. To feel it physically and mentally.  What is great is that now that I have stepped out so long, I very easily recognize the signs of it creeping back in. What I plan to do differently is not let it build and build and build.....and doing that will take more self care. I may need to take some naps. I may need to take a 1/2 day vacation and go get a message.
• Being a single stay at home mom is hard work. Even if your kids are at school.  That is only a short time in the whole 24 hours you are mom-ing. 

I'm sure there are more tidbits that as I continue to reflect, I will capture somehow. I'm actually excited and admittedly somewhat nervous about going back to work.  The new job will be a long commute 3 days a week, then work from home 2 days a week. But it's in an industry I've worked in my whole career and I'm confident. I really liked several of the people I interviewed with and what it boils down to, for me, is to do good work, with good people, and make a difference. Hopefully I can adjust to the pace again quickly.

With summer looming in just a few short weeks, of course childcare was next up on the list. I looked at many different options...camps, babysitter, daycares, etc. and landed on having a full time babysitter who can help take them to a few special camps the kids will choose...my girl wants to take an art camp and my son wants sports. I networked a lot to try and find someone. I'm a bit nervous about having someone new come in and hope the kids do well with, etc.. She's a college student home for the summer and I'm just hoping for the best. We met her last weekend and the kids seemed to like her. My priority is safety and punctuality. Hopefully the rest will fall into place. 

It's been a bit bumpy for both kiddos....my son had awful allergies, then unfortunately had pneumonia for awhile as well. I mentioned before that he missed a lot of school....well, he missed a lot more. The registrar lady sent in her email he missed 25 days this year. OMG. I'm hoping I can keep him in school for the next few weeks so we don't have any more calls or letters. We are winding down on the soccer season, today was his last practice and Saturday will be his last game.  It was 'a lot' added to our days with both of them playing...Soccer Tue, Wed, Thurs, and 2 games on Saturday. I would say even though his team wasn't the greatest, his coaches sure were and I really really liked it. My son did too and I'm sure we will play again next year. I think this Fall he will sign up for flag football with a buddy in his class in a new league, then basketball in winter, then soccer again next spring. For sure we will try to get w/ this coach again...when my son was on the mend w/ being sick coach asked if he wanted to just come to practice and 'coach'. When we got there he had already laid out the practice plan on a sheet of paper and gave it to my son as an outline...then let him help lead the practice. Kudos to him for how thoughtful that was....in addition he checked in to see how he was doing.  Now that was great.

As for school, my son has had it and is ready for it to be over. He really has some knucklehead kids in his class and he's been so frustrated all year by Bailey, Sophia, and Ezra. I was pretty underwhelmed with his teacher as well....so I'm just going to hope next year he's in a better classroom w/ a better fit for a teacher.

Here's a wonderful note my son wrote to me when I told him I had a bad dream...I don't even remember what it was now.

"Hope you have a happyer dream that have a dream that we all went on a picnic together in a sunflower field on a sunny day in a rainbow"......Adorable.

My girl apparently has a green thumb....just like my mom. She found a small aloe vera leaf and wanted to save it. I said sure not thinking or expecting it to survive. Well, it's now the plant on the right. In addition, all on her own she brought home a seed from school, planted it, and now it's the plant on the left.  So impressed.

I got this card for her the other day and left it on her pillow with some loving words. She's had a rough go for awhile now and I just wanted her to know how amazing, beautiful, and strong she is....and when she felt down she could pick up this card and reread it. And since she loves loves her sweets....the donut picture was perfect. Because of her current struggles, we decided to end her soccer season early. It was just too much for her. I told her I was proud of her for participating as long as she could and hope she doesn't lose her wanting to play because this season was a bit much. She progressed a lot and even scored a goal during the season.

I had to do a double take the other day. We were watching TV and I saw a show where Oprah was talking. I said that I hadn't seen a show of hers in so long. My girl turns to me and says, 'Who is Oprah?'. WHAT? It completely didn't dawn on me that she would have no idea who she was....of course not because she hasn't grown up w/ Oprah like we all did. But doesn't everyone just know who Oprah is?? LOL

My girl was/maybe still is a little bit obsessed with fidgets and popits. It's all the rage in school here this year. She started her own little collection and every time I turned around she had more than when she started. And I was not buying them for her. Apparently she 'traded' for them. Well, I'd say she doesn't need help in negotiating skills.

As usual things have been up and down. I'm starting to just realize that that's just how it is with parenting.....I guess it's normal to have long stretches of challenges and just when one gets solved, another pops up. My goal is to stay present, keep myself in check, create an environment that is positive, and one where they feel comfortable coming to mom as needed. I grew up in a household where there was a lot of tension w/ my Dad and I just don't want that for my kids. I may overcompensate by trying really hard to very quickly deflate arguments rather than let them work it out, or split them apart physically when I feel something is brewing, and maybe even sometimes intervene more than necessary to keep the peace....but that's ok with me.

I'm a crockpot

It's been an 'interesting' few weeks since Spring Break in our house. One of the big things is unfortunately my daughter hasn't adjusted well at all since the time change. In addition, she started getting sick last Friday and has been a bear since then. She's having more episodes, almost nightly again, so the struggle is real. It's always a challenge when she's not feeling well. She came home early on Friday...insisted she go to school yesterday because her teacher had her first day back from maternity leave, then when I brought her some medicine at noon she looked awful, so I took her home. Then she was home today as well. For some reason, over the last year my kids have picked up SO many viruses, bugs, etc.. For awhile there someone was sick here for 3 months straight. I wish I was joking. So, both my kids missed a lot of school.

ALERT: mother of the year award. I just got two notices in the mail, one for each kid, that they missed more school than is allowed which is 8 days (even if they are excused) and will now be required to have a Dr.'s note for any future misses. In addition, my son missed so many that he is now on a 'plan'...I don't really know what that means, I think the assistant principal has to do something...I don't know, maybe I should read the letter again. With my son I was a bit lenient because really....who cares if he misses things in first grade, which he knows how to do already anyway. 

I will say I was a bit annoyed w/ our pediatrician today....so I had to take my daughter in to her as she legit has been sick...terrible cough, fatigue, congestion, etc.. I told her school is requiring a note and she turns to my daughter and says well, you have to try and stay at school...stay home for just fever, throwing up, and diarrhea. Yes those are good reasons, but viruses/colds are miserable too. Why should I force my kid to go to school when they feel awful? I don't get it. Maybe I'm soft...or it's easy for them to come home or be home because I'm here. Or, she was just annoyed that she had to write notes for a visit that she thought unnecessary. But, I'd rather have them coughing all over me than their classmates, in addition, I know how sickness affects my daughter. I mentioned to the pediatrician we've had a spike in behavior issues also and she didn't even comment. I'm starting to really be unimpressed w/ our Dr., especially given the challenges my girl has had over the years. Over time, she's just seems too busy to really seem to care anymore....or take an interest in helping work through issues that aren't just basic.

To continue w/ the medical stuff...we are currently in allergy season and my son's allergist said last year if we get 'ahead' of the spring i.e. start medication on Feb 1, then we should be good. Well, she was wrong. His allergies got so bad again this year starting a few weeks ago, in addition to a head cold, so she put him on steroids. His eyes would itch so bad, congestion, puffiness...just awful. So, he'll need to start allergy shots since all the medication he is taking just isn't working.

I'm proud of myself....I decided that I really need to start focusing on my health...the exact reason why I took a break from corporate america. So, I signed up w/ a trainer at the local Y. Twice a week we will meet and I just went to my first session on this past Monday.  When I saw my reflection in the full length mirror I had so many thoughts run through my head....but mostly I kept telling myself we need to start low (w/ weight amounts) and go slow (to avoid injury). Low and slow. Low and slow.....then it occurred to me. I'm a crockpot.

I wasn't feeling at all bad about having to 'start over' in a sense as it's been years since I've actively worked with resistance and bands. I was proud of myself for simply showing up. I really didn't care that I could only do the 10lbs kettleball, or the 'green' resistance band. That truly didn't bother me. I suspect she has clients it does bother because she kept saying, 'not to worry, we'll work up to heavier, etc..'.  I kept telling her I'm totally fine going low and slow. I told her I would try hard and do what I physically could. What I was surprised by was how out of shape I am.....not cardio-wise because I can ride bikes and walk w/ kids, etc.. but just my limited body strength. And, how I now have bad knees. They used to bother me just doing certain movements, but when we tried a few moves that I could do in the past..ouchy. They still bother me today so we are really going to have to limit bending at the knee while putting weight on them.

Overall, it felt good to get back in the gym...I liked her a lot, she's one year older than me...I'm 47 now. Oy. But she seems so much older, for some reason. Anyway,  I have a lot of work to do, but I didn't pack on this weight overnight. Not by a long shot. Just getting moving is a positive first step. I'll need to work on my nutrition, adding more activity through my day, etc.. but I'm really working on being proud of what I do. I may have come home from my first session and took a nap, but that's ok. Next appointment is Thursday.