- I think the pandemic clearly changed in so many ways possible what a 'normal' change from work to stay at home would have been like. In March of 2020 we were just learning more about the virus and now we are showing 996,916 deaths in the united states. I remember early on when they were predicting 600,000 and I thought they were out of their minds then. So so sad. Layer on that early fear--not wanting to touch anything, imagining breathing in something that could kill you, everything shutting down, me learning out of sheer necessity how to manage a day 24/7 with children....a schedule, cooking, tutoring, etc.. It was a bit mad.
- It can be very lonely. I'm not a social person by nature, so I wasn't clamoring to join any 'clubs' and frankly w/ the pandemic, nothing was available even if I was looking. I'm imagining it may be different if you had a husband come home from work at the end of the day?....but I could be rose-coloring that because many married people say it's like adding another kid.
- After the shut down and kids went back to school in Fall of '21 I literally just exhaled. And slept and slept and slept. I think all of that sleeping was good in a way because I had been running of fumes for a long while....however, I also think it contributed to a depression I didn't realize I had gotten into.
- I do better when I have a 'forced structure' where I have to be somewhere. It was hard for me to put a schedule in place that was arbitrary and stick to it. If I made it, then I could change it. My follow through really lacked over the last few years.
- Which leads me to the fact that I procrastinate far more than I thought I did. It was waaay too easy to say eh....tomorrow.
- Having time doesn't mean you will get all the stuff done you've been saying 'If only I had more time'. I still have the boxes in my room stacked against the wall. Sadly, we've lived here this year going on 7 years.
- I'm not overweight because of work. Another failed thinking....'if only I had time to work out, I'd be so much healthier'. Nope. It's a choice. I've had two years to work on my health and I weigh more now than I ever have. Now, the depression didn't help that, that's for sure. It's hard to know what to attribute things to.....was I not motivated because I was depressed? OR was I depressed because I had no motivation? Maybe a little of both?
- It's hard to make friends when you get older. It's even harder to make friends when you aren't around people by nature of work or school.
- I really love watching sports....when the pandemic happened and everything was cancelled, I remember watching a game for the first time in 6 months and I cried when they played the star spangled banner.
- I put pressure on myself that was unnecessary. Especially about taking naps. I for some reason felt like taking a nap was something I 'shouldn't' do everyday.....and if I did, then it was wasteful. I'm wasting time! If I could rewind I would tell myself to just be.....and remove any self-imposed pressure about what 'should be'.
- I was able to completely release work stress and had NO idea how much I was carrying. I had lunch w/ an old colleague the other day and she was telling me all about some of the drama she was having w/ her coworker. I felt my chest tighten, I felt my shoulders clench, I felt the familiar stirring in my stomach....I was getting worked up by the story she was telling. And that used to be my daily existence. Stress is awful. To feel it physically and mentally. What is great is that now that I have stepped out so long, I very easily recognize the signs of it creeping back in. What I plan to do differently is not let it build and build and build.....and doing that will take more self care. I may need to take some naps. I may need to take a 1/2 day vacation and go get a message.
- Being a single stay at home mom is hard work. Even if your kids are at school. That is only a short time in the whole 24 hours you are mom-ing.
I'm sure there are more tidbits that as I continue to reflect, I will capture somehow. I'm actually excited and admittedly somewhat nervous about going back to work. The new job will be a long commute 3 days a week, then work from home 2 days a week. But it's in an industry I've worked in my whole career and I'm confident. I really liked several of the people I interviewed with and what it boils down to, for me, is to do good work, with good people, and make a difference. Hopefully I can adjust to the pace again quickly.
With summer looming in just a few short weeks, of course childcare was next up on the list. I looked at many different options...camps, babysitter, daycares, etc. and landed on having a full time babysitter who can help take them to a few special camps the kids will choose...my girl wants to take an art camp and my son wants sports. I networked a lot to try and find someone. I'm a bit nervous about having someone new come in and hope the kids do well with, etc.. She's a college student home for the summer and I'm just hoping for the best. We met her last weekend and the kids seemed to like her. My priority is safety and punctuality. Hopefully the rest will fall into place.
It's been a bit bumpy for both kiddos....my son had awful allergies, then unfortunately had pneumonia for awhile as well. I mentioned before that he missed a lot of school....well, he missed a lot more. The registrar lady sent in her email he missed 25 days this year. OMG. I'm hoping I can keep him in school for the next few weeks so we don't have any more calls or letters. We are winding down on the soccer season, today was his last practice and Saturday will be his last game. It was 'a lot' added to our days with both of them playing...Soccer Tue, Wed, Thurs, and 2 games on Saturday. I would say even though his team wasn't the greatest, his coaches sure were and I really really liked it. My son did too and I'm sure we will play again next year. I think this Fall he will sign up for flag football with a buddy in his class in a new league, then basketball in winter, then soccer again next spring. For sure we will try to get w/ this coach again...when my son was on the mend w/ being sick coach asked if he wanted to just come to practice and 'coach'. When we got there he had already laid out the practice plan on a sheet of paper and gave it to my son as an outline...then let him help lead the practice. Kudos to him for how thoughtful that was....in addition he checked in to see how he was doing. Now that was great.
As for school, my son has had it and is ready for it to be over. He really has some knucklehead kids in his class and he's been so frustrated all year by Bailey, Sophia, and Ezra. I was pretty underwhelmed with his teacher as well....so I'm just going to hope next year he's in a better classroom w/ a better fit for a teacher.
Here's a wonderful note my son wrote to me when I told him I had a bad dream...I don't even remember what it was now.
"Hope you have a happyer dream that have a dream that we all went on a picnic together in a sunflower field on a sunny day in a rainbow"......Adorable.
My girl apparently has a green thumb....just like my mom. She found a small aloe vera leaf and wanted to save it. I said sure not thinking or expecting it to survive. Well, it's now the plant on the right. In addition, all on her own she brought home a seed from school, planted it, and now it's the plant on the left. So impressed.
I got this card for her the other day and left it on her pillow with some loving words. She's had a rough go for awhile now and I just wanted her to know how amazing, beautiful, and strong she is....and when she felt down she could pick up this card and reread it. And since she loves loves her sweets....the donut picture was perfect. Because of her current struggles, we decided to end her soccer season early. It was just too much for her. I told her I was proud of her for participating as long as she could and hope she doesn't lose her wanting to play because this season was a bit much. She progressed a lot and even scored a goal during the season.
I had to do a double take the other day. We were watching TV and I saw a show where Oprah was talking. I said that I hadn't seen a show of hers in so long. My girl turns to me and says, 'Who is Oprah?'. WHAT? It completely didn't dawn on me that she would have no idea who she was....of course not because she hasn't grown up w/ Oprah like we all did. But doesn't everyone just know who Oprah is?? LOL
My girl was/maybe still is a little bit obsessed with fidgets and popits. It's all the rage in school here this year. She started her own little collection and every time I turned around she had more than when she started. And I was not buying them for her. Apparently she 'traded' for them. Well, I'd say she doesn't need help in negotiating skills.
As usual things have been up and down. I'm starting to just realize that that's just how it is with parenting.....I guess it's normal to have long stretches of challenges and just when one gets solved, another pops up. My goal is to stay present, keep myself in check, create an environment that is positive, and one where they feel comfortable coming to mom as needed. I grew up in a household where there was a lot of tension w/ my Dad and I just don't want that for my kids. I may overcompensate by trying really hard to very quickly deflate arguments rather than let them work it out, or split them apart physically when I feel something is brewing, and maybe even sometimes intervene more than necessary to keep the peace....but that's ok with me.
Great post and insights. Congrats on your new job!!
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