Raining

The old saying hard things come in three's? Well, I think I went beyond that. Once again I haven't written in a month.....with good reason.


Let's start off with construction house because that's sort of the start of the madness at beginning of October. Well, my general contractor Darwin just up and quit. I've known him for 5 years but it was a risk having him run the project from the beginning. The house was a total redo from studs on up, but since we had a mentor-type guy Marc who did this for a living (Darwin used to work for him actually) and had his crews, etc. and would help both of us, I thought it would be worth trying. This was his first project general contracting and I think it got to a point that he decided it was just too big and too stressful. He was trying to manage people who he worked next to before and let's just say the subcontractors cut corners where they could. The other thing is he didn't make my project his priority. He kept trying to work too many other places (ironically he spent most of his time working a job for Marc--I'm not super happy about that, but no matter how much pressure I put on Darwin to be at house, follow up, the phone calls, etc.. it just wasn't working). He knew it and I knew it.


So, once he quit I had a minor meltdown because I couldn't fathom running the project--we were months behind schedule, working full time, and taking care of my kids.  Even though we were pretty far down the road, there are many things left to be done. So, I finally decided I had to bring in someone new, so I reached out to a guy that was a subcontractor 3 years ago for the house I'm living in now--Jacob. He's still working for the same guy who did my house, but does work on the side. I brought him over to show him the house and in a way, it was probably a good thing because that's when things started to unravel.


The biggest issue I noticed over a month ago was the flooring. I noticed the floor sloping noticeably in the hallway to the bedrooms. The house is on slab and I got the foundation fixed first thing, so why would the floor be sloping? I had mentioned it to Darwin a few times and he said nah...it's fine.
Well....Jacob told me pretty quickly the flooring was not installed right. The way the flooring guy tried to level it out was not correct, it was uneven everywhere, and very bad in places.  Since the flooring guy only speaks Spanish we had him come to the house and talk to Jacob. Flooring guy was pointing finger at old contractor Darwin because he said he told Darwin the floor wasn't level but that Darwin said it was fine and to keep going.  Then when Jacob started pressing him on how he tried to level the floor and why he did it that way, he kept talking in circles. No ownership at all for the crap floor he laid down. Interesting fact: he works for a guy in one of mentor Marc's crew.


What came out of that, though, was that Jacob and I decided to get the foundation checked again because regardless of how bad the floor was, the foundation shouldn't have been that far off. When we brought that guy out, he was in the house for five seconds and said "gee I can see the house is off at least two inches down the hallway....there must be a sewer pipe leak". Ummmm.....no there isn't.  Then when Jacob pressed him on why he didn't measure before deciding on where to put pilings, etc. and why there was so much off in the house, the guy started to get frustrated, stomping around a bit, raising his voice, getting somewhat aggressive in how we was responding...basically he knew he couldn't bluff my contractor. The guy left in a huff and said he'd be back with his measuring gear. Well, considering the crap job he did, I had no intention of having him do any more work at the house. Ironically, he did come back that day and after he 'measured' he said the foundation was fine, it was all the floor. C'mon... Interesting fact: he was recommended by Marc.


So, now I learned that not only the flooring guy screwed up the floor, but the foundation wasn't fixed right to begin with. That guy lifted the back of the house where he shouldn't have--now it's 2" higher than the rest and he didn't address the interior hallway where it needed it the most.
A second, very reputable foundation company had given me a bid at the very beginning ( I had actually used them on another house), but they were scheduling two months out. So, rather than wait for them at the time, I didn't think I could wait that long, so I didn't use them....hindsight right.


Also, .....Jacob said the cabinet guy's cabinets were crap. Actually, Darwin had told me the same thing only AFTER I had agreed to use him. However, this could also be a matter of opinion because I have found that no matter what craft it is, if they didn't do it, it's not right and someone else did a crap job.  Interesting fact: cabinet guy is Marc's guy.
And.....the tile guy said he sent me an invoice after I made some changes, said I agreed......which I hadn't. I expected the changes I made to be about 1k....he sent me a bill for 2500. What the crap. We actually got into a pretty heated argument on the phone when I was at work one day because he added things in there we never talked about. He claimed I saw the invoice and agreed. I absolutely had not. And his wife was calling me over and over to pay this bill, which of course I wasn't going to pay the whole thing. Interesting fact: Tile guy is Marc's guy.


So, you see.......things sort of fell apart at construction house. I mentioned that these were all of mentor Marc's people, however in totality, they have all just sucked. Of course I'm like, how could this have gone so wrong if these are the same people he uses too?.....And I think it boils down simply to this--they weren't being managed by an invested general contractor and basically cut corners where they could. I can hear my realtor friend now telling me ' I told you so'......she said from the very beginning this project was too big for Darwin, but based on Marc's guidance and my thought that he could handle it....that's what I went with.


So now what? The biggest thing has been getting all the facts about what we are dealing with now, then trying to decide what to do and how to fix.


Step 1:
I ended up deciding with Jacob that we needed to rip out the wood floor that was just installed--everywhere. I couldn't in good conscience leave it knowing how poorly it was installed and that it would no doubt give me problems/buckle down the road. We had talked about leaving it in the areas we won't need to redo the foundation inside, however I just wasn't okay leaving a craptastic floor in there. Some others might have decided to salvage what they could because the route I took just cost me 19k I won't see again. Yup folks, 10k for the wood and 9k for the labor and other materials. Thank goodness he wasn't paid for it all.


Now that the new floor has been demo'd out a new issue surfaced....there was old orange vinyl flooring and I checked w/ floor lady I've worked with if there was any worry of asbestos...she said no to vinyl, however back in the day they also used asbestos in adhesive. So, because of the blackish color left, she thinks it might be good to test the adhesive. Sigh.


Step 2:
Use reputable company to come and fix foundation. I talked to reputable guy a few times and he was back out to measure after the new floor was taken out. He said he recommend to leave what other guy did alone...and he'll come in and do what he said at beginning which is to come inside and put 9 additional pilings. He said he could do the front part of house also, but knowing what we've gone through thus far he said that can wait and it may not need it.


The foundation issue boiled down to putting trust in the wrong company. The guy who actually did the work had said I shouldn't let anyone talk me into putting interior pilings in, will create further issue, etc etc.....and reputable guy ironically said that a lot of other foundation outfits will say not to do interior work because it's just that--a lot of work and not as easy and quick money as the exterior ones. Reputable guy also pointed out that other guy showed an exterior piling on the graph that was paid for that was never installed. Sigh.


Step 3:
I need help picking out all the interior finishes. It's been stressing me out and I've looked at 4 different granite/quartz places. I've got a referral for a designer, and no, not from Marc....who I talked to last week. He's expensive, but honestly if it helps me to knock this out and only have to paint once because I chose the right color, then hoorah.


Now.....if you made it this far through construction house woes....cool. But that is just part of the story. In addition to dealing with all of that above, the following has also been happening over last several weeks:


1) My AC at my current house stopped working. Just stopped.
2) My 3 year old refrigerator at my current house just stopped cooling. Just stopped.
3) My kids have been sick for about 3 weeks now and just yesterday my son went to the Dr. and was diagnosed w/ pink eye.
4) My son hasn't been sleeping well in months and over the last few sick weeks it's been beyond. Up every hour to two hours all night. I hear him calling out to me and coughing now. Hang on....
5) Two weeks ago my back just gave out. I could hardly move for days until I went to see chiro I haven't seen in over 3 years. He said I was having muscle spasms that was locking up my back.
5) My sister texted me this week to say that she has a growth on her throat and she was at Dr. getting it scanned. What? After that they said she had to also do an ultrasound which they found it had something there they needed to biopsy so will wait for those results next week.
6) I was asked to post on some jobs at work with deadlines now. Probably I'll say thanks but no thanks.


Friends....I have hit a wall. I've been limping along by working from home a few days a week, but this week I didn't work at all tue and wed and worked from home yesterday. I haven't slept well in months and barely at all in the last 2 weeks. Before I had a hard time staying asleep, now it's progressed into having a hard time falling asleep to begin with. I've been just trying to hang in there, but man has it been tough.


I was talking to my co-worker yesterday and she basically shook some sense into me. She's like look, you need to go to the Dr. yourself. Maybe you need a sleep rx, maybe you need a break from work.....you aren't functioning and it's getting worse. And you know what? She was totally right. I've been so focused on just going from thing to thing and trying to manage it all that I haven't stepped back to say hang on, what do I need here.


So, I made an appointment for my Dr. today and he basically said I have sleep deprivation. He doesn't want to adjust anything--I need to get some time with some actual, non-broken sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours w/out waking up from my son, myself, or my cat--I'm just not able to recuperate. I actually thought back today that how I feel now is so much like when my girl started pre-k3 with all her sicknesses and I had a one year old who didn't sleep then either. At the time I went on an intermittent leave at work for a few months...which really wasn't 'leave' because I still went to work, it was just maybe at 9 or 10am instead of 8.
Well this time I said doc, I've never asked this before (I've known him for over 10 years), but I just can't. I just need to have something lifted off and I think I need a break from work...like just a week or something. The thing that is so crazy.....I felt guilty/bad about asking. And why, right? Considering the load I am carrying and trying to do it without sleep, how can I be expected to manage?!  But that little voice just says I should. That was all internal because he basically said he was totally supportive of what made sense. He suggested why not say off for the next two weeks and see him in the middle, and plan to return to work after that.
I agreed.


So, that's what I am going to do. And you know, as soon as we made that decision I could literally feel the weight easing off of my chest.....I could breathe deeper, I felt somewhat lighter.
It was SO the right call and I am so thankful for that conversation with my coworker.  I was already in the process of getting old nanny here this weekend, but while that would help, that was only for a few days.  I can't just take a nap and fix all this.
After writing this I'm going to send a note to my boss and let her know I'll get the paperwork to the right person here in the U.S. and I won't be logging in. Well, I have email on my phone so I'm sure I'll still be checking it, but to be mostly unplugged.......yes.


I didn't want to write this tough note and also talk about my son turning 4 last month so I will save that for another post.
Here's to things getting better over next few weeks.....

Took longer than I thought

The kids have been back to school now for over a month for my girl and just under for my son. The thing that makes me cringe the most is all of those germs.  They are just surrounded by them from all of the snotty-nosed, sent back to school too early sick kids. And I was just waiting for it. I figured it would happen w/in a few days of the crazy.....but it did take longer than I thought.
It has now started. This past Sunday night my poor girl was vomiting half the night while my son woke up multiple times probably just due to the noise, fun times.


I have a feeling she picked it up from a museum we went to on Saturday. I happened to watch the news Friday night which I hardly do on tv and they mentioned it was the Smithsonian free Saturday for 2 people day. So I looked to see which museum of ours participated and we chose the Health and Science museum.  It's probably the first time in awhile where I felt like, hey, we can do this.....now that the kids are getting older, can listen better, etc. it is less stressful and exhausting going to something like this. We asked my only other mom friend who has the son the same age as my son...and we all went in my suv. First time we had a full car and can I just say, it was so much fun!  We drove downtown, found amazing free parking, and got there early enough so there weren't any crowds at all. It was only one floor of this building, but it had a massive heart, a big colon replica you could crawl through (although I initially thought it was just an artery!), skeletons, nervous system things, body parts, etc...it really was cool. My girl was in heaven. She calls herself a 'science girl'. Many many things to touch and discover. Hence, germ-city.  I really tried hard not to think about it, but I honestly thought, oh man, here we go. After we left we decided to do lunch, then they did the playplace---another potential culprit.


Then in the afternoon we decided to have charm school.  My girl's been into making charms out of whatever she can find....she found a plastic donut, tied a string on it, and put it on her backpack. If she can't find something, she cuts them out. She's always creating something and it's great because it keeps her busy. Her brain is constantly thinking up new things to color, cut, paste. Just tonight she made puppets out of popsicle sticks for her brother's upcoming birthday and designed a 'stage' out of duplo blocks. All on her own with no prompting from me.
Anyway, we had talked for a few days about having charm school where she would be the teacher and my son and I the students.  I'll just say it now, I was beyond impressed with what she did.  She put some thought and effort into the whole thing. She had set up in the toy room a table and chairs with our names taped to the back of each one so we would know where to sit. Then she had a box up front of the 'class' with all of her supplies.  We came in and she told us we had to sit and listen to the rules....like, no eating the charms, raise your hand to talk, etc...She had even found an old necklace bead kit that made the perfect tools for it all on her own. I honestly was surprised at how much thought she put into it and how well organized it was for a six year old! She did better than I would!


So after the museum and charm school I would have to say that last Saturday was one of the BEST days we've had as a family in a long time.  There just was minimal fussies (considering my son is STILL having sleep issues) and school just wipes my girl out to the point that tantrums have come back......it was just such a great day for all of us.
We needed it.


My girl is doing great in school--her first progress report came back with 100 in reading and 97 in math and 97 in science. So proud of her! She actually says regularly that she is bored, which isn't surprising because they are learning a lot of what she learned in kinder....same sight word, etc.. One thing she loves is they do computer lab (yes, at 6) and she talks about it all the time that she has a password of her own and can log in herself! I do know that academically she does really well and have researched their challenge or gifted program.  I'm not sure if she would qualify, but I do know that she is a pretty smart kid. Kind of a bummer because I guess they screen in kinder, but if you come to the school in first grade they don't screen until the spring and participation in the program wouldn't start until fall of second grade. Kind of a racket. I did check to see if there was anything they could do to get her screened now and they said if she had been tagged as gifted or had testing scores. They weren't super clear so I at least tried by sending in her records from kinder but apparently that wouldn't do it. Sigh.
I'm sure it will be fine and I know a lot of people probably get hung up in all of this stuff, but I feel like that's what I need to do--advocate for making sure she's getting what I think she needs.


I don't think I wrote at all about her birthday but I now have a six year old. Whaaaat?
We just had a small little party at the house and a few friends came over. Ironically one of my friends that used to live here (hi Carolyn) who moved away happened to be in town...and it was on HER birthday, so we got to celebrate both! I got her a skateboard that she's been asking for for about 6 months. It really was a fun little get together.

I can't believe how long her hair is...probably time to get a 3rd haircut since she's only had 2 her whole life!

Totally random thought but I just have to declare that my son is potty trained during the day!  It took this summer of realizing that he did fine when he didn't wear any clothes. Nanny kept trying to put on underwear and shorts which he still ended up having lots of accidents. He couldn't seem to get to the potty fast enough. We even thought of trying a potty watch that the pediatrician recommended. However, he likes to run around w/out clothes so I had the bright idea to just leave him w/out clothes and see what happened. Sure enough, he didn't have ANY accidents.  So, nanny let him run around at home for a few days, which got him practice to say, ok, time to go to potty.....and he's been great ever since.  Now, at night I still put on something....for awhile it was pullups, but he was leaking through those so I would add an insert. Good news now is that we can leave him w/out anything up until bedtime, so I only have to use a diaper and an insert and it seems to work most of the time.  I think in due time he'll be out of diapers completely as he is dry some mornings, but I think it will still take some time. So much different w/ my girl because as soon as she was potty trained, she was over needing anything at night too.


As I reflect on this past summer and both kids starting school, it's been interesting....like, I'm sort of lifting out of the physical exhaustion of raising two littles....and it's just getting easier the more independent they become. Now, the mental exhaustion is picking up because my son was fine at 2, however 3's have been beyond with the talking, tantrums, attitude, etc..  With my girl, 2 was hard, 3 was insanity, 4 was glorious, and 5 was in between. But, I just feel less stressed being out and about out of the comfort of home where I know what they can get into, etc.. They have always been pretty well behaved in public, that's not it.....it's more lugging a whole diaper bag of crap, strapping all the seatbelts, wondering if I forgot a nuni, do we have diapers, getting the stroller, etc.....
Now? They both can buckle their own seatbelts. Sounds minor, but it's major! They can crawl through one side of the car and off we go. My girl could probably do a booster seat now even. I shudder, I'm not ready for that yet :) Not having two carseats behind me? not yet.


I will say that I had a little thought about....oh wow. I no longer have babies. My baby is in preschool. Am I ready to be done? Some people say they just 'know' that their family is complete. I've not gotten that feeling. I wish that I would, honestly. I'm 43. I did talk to my nurse who I love at my old Dr.'s office and she suggested this....why not just get your labs, get more data...and see?  I still have those three embryos that I think about on a regular basis. I thought that having another project like the construction house would ease my mind i.e. maybe I just needed something I was working towards. But it hasn't worked...that hasn't stopped my thinking. Part of me thinks I've lost my mind, the other part of me is just trying to see how it feels thinking more about it. I have all of the thoughts about am I too old, how would that change our dynamic, is it too much to take on, we're finally at a place of more independence, why disrupt that? On the other hand, the benefits such as....my daughter would have a sister or my son would have a brother, they would have each other, they are older now and it wouldn't be as crazy as having a two year old and a newborn, and frankly it just keeps popping up for me so I don't want it to be something I regret. I can truly say I have no regrets about anything else...I've done a lot of things despite having fear about it. So, more data can only help, right? I believe that if I didn't have those embryos this wouldn't be a discussion.  Starting over w/ IVF now, ummmm no thank you.


The other thing I've been thinking about....talk about life changes galore.....I just might leave corporate America.  I've been planning for this for a long time, well, really since I had children. It's been a good career, but it's not what I'm passionate about anymore. I want to be a soccer mom! And work part time, or not at all for awhile, maybe.....and have time for me. Get my strength back. Go to the gym regularly! The thing is, I'm not sure I'm ready. The thought of leaving what I've done since January of 2002 scares me a bit. It's a totally different lifestyle...so many pros and cons to this type of change. I've researched becoming a stay at home mom after working, tips, etc...and interestingly, more and more people are becoming sahm's when their kids are a bit older. It's natural to make that transition when they are babies, but for me, that was tough times. I had two hard littles and going to work was like a break for me, really. But now....now they are getting interested in more things, school trips, sports soon enough..I can't wait!
But, am I ready to take on all of the laundry, cooking (this is probably my least favorite domestic task), 24/7 it is.  Part of me says yes, why not try it? Another part of me says wait until I feel 'more ready' whatever that means.  I can always go back to work, right?


Well.....another life change I'm thinking about is where do I want to raise my kids? I've been researching a lot more going back to the Midwest. Closer to where I grew up. Things are just much slower and smaller. And part of me doesn't want to be home w/ the kids here where I don't have a network or support system. Yes, I'd still have to grow one if I moved, but I at least know people there. My sister, a few friends' parents who've known me since I was 4. That sounds lovely.


Now that I'm typing it out, it really is a lot. Maybe just too much all at once. Maybe I just need to focus on one of these things and keep the others consistent so I don't overload myself. Maybe I just need to practice meditating or somehow figuring out how to keep my brain from not being on overdrive with planning. I'm always planning/thinking/researching the 'what next'...what do I want to do now. What I have such a hard time doing is just settling in, not looking forward always....and just being at peace with this moment. This place we are at right now. I'd love to hear how others do it.


Now, on to planning for another birthday party for my boy....soon to be 4. OH MY!

Champ

My son has been a total champ!! Our first week of pre-k 3 is over and we are now starting our second week. Great news: he has not shed one tear! That first day he walked in, started playing, and hasn’t been phased at all. I was a hot blubbering mess, but that’s just how it goes for me. When I was at the door for pickup on the first day I was reaching my head as high as I could to catch a glimpse of him, then I asked the teacher ms Delania if he did ok, did he ask for me???
She leans in and says, ‘hate to tell you this mom but he didn’t ask for you at all”. I said awesome and breathed a massive sigh of relief. That was so good to hear because I could hear the wails of some of the kids—probably crying from the morning. I was so thankful my son just took it all in stride.
I was so happy to see his little face when he saw me at the door and his face lit up, my heart just burst. He wanted to go to ‘mcdogdogs’ for lunch so of course we had to go for his special first day. Then he told us about one of the kids tried to hit/kick the teacher and had to sit in a green chair. I wasn’t sure if he was making it up so the next morning I asked teacher and he was right.
He also again told me it was boring!

I was still hesitant to call victory because the first day can be fine, then when they realize oh, this wasn’t just for one day, it can be harder. But not for my boy. He waltzed on in for day 2 and 3, hung up his backpack, and got to playing.

I’ve tried to ask him questions that aren’t yes or no like: what was your favorite part of your day? He says he likes ‘the home center’ where they have cute little salt and pepper shakers, an oven and a sink etc. it’s funny because he also usually tells me about the kids that misbehave because apparently even today two little boys were arguing. I usually respond with, no way! And he gets this big smile and says yes mom they did!! His expression is like he’s saying—, can you believe they did that?!
I also try to make a lesson and ask him if what they did was nice or not? And he knows what is the right behaviors at school.
Day two the teacher said he went up to her and told her he loved her. Awwwww. She said it reminded them of my girl too because apparently she used to do that a lot at school.

I am really really proud that he’s done so well. I tell him often how great he’s doing, that the teachers say he’s doing awesome. He’s such a boy because his response is like, yeah ok. Cool.

Today I picked him up and when I peeked into the door and we made eye contact his face just lit up and he ran over to me and we hugged....these moments just bring tears to my eyes. I literally had to stop myself from full on crying! I’m such a sap.

His personality is already expanding and he can be hilarious and clever. As we were walking out today he asks where we were going to lunch? I said I’m not sure....he says ‘hold on, let me check my phone’ and proceeds to stick out his hand palm up and ‘scrolls’ on it with his fingers. Then says ok, can’t tell you until we get into the car. It’s a surprise.
This kid.
Then later tonight we are playing this snail game and his sister comes out right before her bath and he says ‘No vaginas. No vaginas allowed’. I’m sure he’ll love me for that story someday.

And today we really did have such a sweet, awesome lunch. Yes we went to his favorite place just the two of us and he snuggled right in next to me, both eating our lunches, rain outside...I just felt so content hanging out w my snuggle bug. So many hugs and I love you’s.....
4 (well almost 4) is such an amazing age. The fussies are less, you can reason with them more...I am hopeful that after the little head colds go away they both have he will start sleeping through the night again. I hope!!

Looking forward to school continuing to go well and he continues to enjoy/like going, etc.
I love the school and am glad we still get to be a part of it.

First Day of Pre-K

It's only 10am and I've already cried like a baby today. My son started his first day of pre-k today. He's been funny about it....I tried to get him excited by talking about it, telling him what he'll be doing, making friends etc. and for some reason, his response is 'It's boring'. No matter when I've asked him, or how I ask him.....he's used the word 'boring'. I have no idea why.


I really was doing well this morning....nanny and my son dropped my girl off at school this am. Her school starts earlier this year i.e. starts at 8am and goes until 3:20. Last year the public school went 8:20-3:40 (which I much prefer due to giving more time in the morning) but now that it's earlier, we have to leave the house no later than 7:35-ish to make sure she gets to class before the bell rings. I told her still no bus this year. Anyway, I did ask if she wanted to go with brother to take him to his first day of school--he is in the same classroom w/ the same teacher she had when she was 3--and she was too worried about being late for school. So, they dropped her off, then came home and we left around 8:30. His school is from 8:30am-11:45am Monday through Thursday. 
When we got there we took pictures in front of the fountain.

His reaction when talking about school.

At least we got a smile!


There is a long hallway before getting to the classrooms and he at first was running his hands along the wall--it's a metal wall that makes a cool sound when running your fingers over it...but as we got closer to the director he hid underneath my shirt. So we kept walking that way and when we got to her, she says, 'well hello my son's name'.....'I can see you under that shirt and we are so happy you are here'....If he could have hid his whole self he would have.  The funny thing is he's spent the last 2 1/2 years running up to her, talking to her, giving hugs etc...I guess this is just his way of saying, 'If I can't see anything, it doesn't exist'!

Then the classroom was right around the corner so we waited our turn to check in. He still kept covering his eyes w/ his arm. I just stood next to him, making sure he knew I was close by. And here's when the waterworks started...I saw another mom walk by all red in the eye, and that just did it. My tears just sprung. Of course I was wiping them away as fast as I could because I certainly didn't want to alarm my son or worry him. We then walked in the classroom and I helped him find his cubby and hang up his backpack. He then ran over to the kitchen area to start playing.

He didn't seem to be too sad or concerned at all.  We had done a meet the teacher day last Thursday so he was able to go in and see the classroom, play with some blocks and some toys, and meet some of the other kids. There will be 12 boys and 3 girls. Oh wow.

Nanny and I stood in the room for a minute and I decided it was best to go while he was playing, so I walked over to him, hugged and kissed him, told him I'd be back soon, and walked out of the room.

Why do these things get me so much? I am crying now reliving it. My heart just starts aching because I worry when he realizes mom isn't there, will he be ok? Will he cry? Will he ask for me?

I did stand at the door just to make sure if he looked up and didn't see me that he would be ok. He had gone to another table to play with different blocks....so as I stood there in the hallway w/ tears just streaming, I decided it was okay to go....so we walked down the long hallway back to the car.  Some of the teachers or helpers were standing in the hallway....they were so sweet when they saw me wiping my tears I heard one say 'awwwwww.....you did good mom, it will be ok'. I waved, but honestly I felt so sad. And kind of empty. It felt so strange to be walking down the corridor w/out a little one with me. When we got to the car and there was no one in the back seat, I just cried some more. I have had a child, and then a second child in tow for 6 years. It's such a huge change to have a silent backseat.

I haven't gotten any calls from the school, so I am really hoping he is doing okay. It's about 10:45 now and we will leave here in about 45 minutes to go pick him up.

I took the day off of work.  Not just for this, but I'm glad I did so I can take him and pick him up. I also think we will go have a special lunch to celebrate.

Guess this is why sometimes people decide to have another baby. Ha. Can't say it didn't cross my mind this morning....however...let's get through this change. I know he will be ok and it probably is harder on me......but that's what all this is about right? getting them ready to grow and learn.

Speaking of that, I think my son has gone through a developmental stage over last several months. His verbal skills have just taken off (saying he's invisible, saying how bugs are so 'interesting') and he is doing more make-believe play, asking lots and lots of questions about 'how do they make....X'. Windows, rocks, babies, etc.. At night when I sit next to him we talk and he's got a lot to say.  AND, he's been not sleeping well since January, but I noticed over the last 3 weeks or so he is finally sleeping through the night again. I'm thinking, hoping, that we are over the hump of whatever that was, because we've both been exhausted.

Interestingly.......we went to the pool on Saturday and Sunday for labor day. My sister came to visit since she wasn't able to come for my girl's birthday, and it was a good visit. Side story but she's finally seeing a doctor that is helping to get to the root of some of her issues and changing her medication. She's been diagnosed w/ a mood disorder (kind of like, duh..) and it's been a big positive change just addressing that, and they are still working through her other things too. She still has issues w/ medicating, not feeling well, getting quiet, etc.. but seemed to be doing better. She sometimes has a hard time w/ my girl because my girl is very stubborn/hard headed, and so is my sister. The thing I have to keep reminding my sister of is.....my girl is 6. She's only 6. Unfortunately my girl's behavior this weekend wasn't the best. She had a few calm downs. I think she's still adjusting to going to school full time.

Anyway, we went to the pool and my son and I were swimming together....he saw a little boy and asked me what he was doing.

Me: 'Playing with his daddy'.

Son: 'Do we have a daddy?'

Me: 'No, we have a mommy, a my girl, and you'

Son: 'I wish we had a daddy'.

Me: 'You do?'

Son: 'Yup'.

Me: 'Well son, all families are different. Some families don't have a mommy, can you believe that?. And some have two daddies, grandma's, etc..'.

And that was the end of that. He just started swimming again and there you go.  The first time he's ever verbally expressed that he noticed a) we don't have a dad and b) that he wanted one.  I feel good about how I handled it, just matter of fact, really. And he didn't seem upset at all.

I know it will come up again, and we'll keep talking about it......If I remember correctly, this was about the age my girl started noticing and verbalizing about a dad...around almost 4. Interesting. I wonder if it's due to a developmental stage they go through?

Okay, and now it's getting close to going to do pick up. I sure do hope he made it ok. I'm sure he did.

Burnout

So my bright idea about buying an investment property helped me get to a pretty major place of burnout this summer. That’s why I haven’t written in 3 months. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t just the house....it also coincided with a reorganization I was supporting at work. The process to go through that effort is massive, so not only was the workload high, but stress was even higher. And that was due to having such short deadlines, political crazy, a boss that sucked, a coworker that couldn’t get his shit together so my colleague and I were not only doing our work, but doing his and fixing his too. My colleague and I worked late at work, went home and put our kids to bed, then got back online for more...and then weekends too. We did this for about 2 months. On top of that trips to the construction house and major decisions to be made. On top of that.....my son’s sleeping was just terrible. He was getting up in the middle of the night, waking multiple times a night, getting up at 4 or 5 something. Kind of just like a newborn. I didn’t even know which way was up half the time.
I cried some. I called in reinforcement from old nanny a few times.
 It. Was. Nuts.
At the end of all that craziness we notified 150 they no longer have a job. It’s a hard thing to be part of that side of corporate America. Seeing people cry, grown men cry...just ooof. And of course our own function is going through a reorg at the same time. Why not, right.

I’ve been in corporate America since coming out of grad school in 2002 and I’ve had a lot of great experiences. I’ve gotten to travel the globe to places like the UK, The Netherlands, Singapore, Doha Qatar, etc. and met some amazing people/friends along the way. I’ve worked for one of the best bosses ever from the UK, but I’ve also had 2 bosses that were beyond terrible (one I work for right now). I’ve also seen and experienced a lot of ugly. It’s not for the faint of heart because gone are the days where people retire from one company (mostly) and it’s a dog eat dog culture. Here one day, gone the next. A really good friend of mine was just told she’s being laid off after 17 years at one place. And she truly loved that company, kind of part of her identity. A change in leadership can decide whether you are awesome, or now suck.
My heart hasn’t been fully invested in my career in awhile. I’ve stayed in it this long because it’s provided a really good lifestyle for me, and now me and my children.
I think everyone from time to time questions what they are doing for their career, their lives, etc. especially when things are tough. I’ve done that a lot lately. Every morning when I see the herd going in the doors to sit at their computers, do the same thing mostly that they did yesterday, and go to important meetings to feel important.....and climb the ladder to where again? As much as people don’t believe it, everyone is replaceable in corporate America.
I know I sound pretty jaded and this sounds depressing. I’m personally not depressed, I just know  there’s much more to my life than spending my time doing that.
SO......I may take a big step and walk away from it. At least working in the ‘big machines’ and slow it down a little. I think other countries do this so much better than America. I’m all for siesta times and smelling the roses.

In the background I’ve been planning with my financial advisor the ability to have options—and I’m at a point where I’m so very proud of myself that I now can decide what I want and be able to afford it ie work part time, work somewhere else, take a break, etc...I’ve really been thinking through where I want to raise my children. It’s been part of my thinking since having them really. Just a few months ago I started thinking about the Midwest again. The schools are pretty great and the value system, people etc are just different than in a major city. I crave community. So I’ve been searching real estate there. However, I’m  not sure I’m ready to pack it all up and go, so I’m exploring things here I.e maybe we move to construction house back in town? That certainly wouldn’t be before the end of this school year, though. Even so, what do I reeeeeaaally want to do?? To answer honestly I’m not sure.

So many other things happened over last few months...for my girl a 6th birthday, first day of first grade, first lost tooth. For my son, I’ve decided...he talks a lot. Like really a lot. He spent his summer talking. And swimming. From the kid that was in speech therapy none the less.

I’ll have to come back with some pictures, but since I’ve thought about posting so many times, now that I’ve finally done it, I can start up again and it won’t feel so overwhelming.

I’ll just end with a saying my son says almost every night to me—and we talk now because I’m sitting in the recliner next to his bed until he falls asleep since he was in the phase of jump out of bed as many times as I can in one night....the camera broke so rather than buy a new camera for a 3 year old a said no way, here I will sit. It does work to keep him in and me more calm...but does take time. It worked out fine this summer because it helped to quiet my mind—and since  I was so exhausted that after lying in there until he fell asleep I’d often wake up realizing I fell asleep too.

‘Mommy I love you whole in my life’ and sometimes I’d get an additional ‘in my heart’...and  if he’s feeling extra loving, ‘you are my best mom’.
Awwwww. ❤️

I guess I needed another project

As if I didn’t have enough to do.....I decided to buy another investment property. It is a close to original 1950s single family home in my old neighborhood I refer to as ‘The Grove’. It’s only 2 streets up from my original house in that neighborhood I bought 15 years ago. It kind of just came up when I was talking to my realtor friend that I’ve worked with for 10 years or so. My garage apartment tenant is going to move out so I was talking about that and mentioned wanting to maybe get back into my old neighborhood.  And she said, hey the house across the street from me is up and that’s what started it.
Ive thought on and off about going back into town instead of the burbs. What stops me from doing it right now is 3 things: our nanny, my job is out here, and schooling in town is questionable at best in that area. It’s revitalizing and ‘turning over’ but it’s not there yet. Although I was so surprised at how many kids I saw when driving around a few weeks ago.
Lots of memories there with my mom, my daughter was brought home from hospital there, riding through the neighborhood on my bike for many years, etc. and the biggest thing—I feel happy there.
So, because prices keep rising I thought why not buy now, rent it out, and who knows...in a few years when I maybe choose to be a stay at home mom then, I would consider moving in again. There is a lot to offer with kids, but less playgrounds and trails within walking distance. That is what I love about where we live now.
Interestingly I didn’t get the house first go round—it was only on market a few days and I was the second offer. They agreed to mine verbally and after we submitted contract they said oops, wait...we got a few more offers so bring best and highest. I didn’t change my offer so they went with another buyer. I got excited, then pretty disappointed.
WELL.....that offer fell through and a few weeks ago they came back to us and asked if we were still interested. Yes I was! So after some negotiation after foundation inspection, closing will be at end of month. Then contractor needs to get in there and do some major wall fixing, painting:updating, then process to rent out. Interest rates on investments have gone up some since I bought my last one, but was so proud of myself for shopping around, have two lenders compete even though I was getting pressure to choose one from both my realtor and one of the lenders...i got what I think is a great rate—5.25%. My other one bought  in 2012 or 13( sad I can’t remember) is 4.125%.
Anyway all that to say I am pretty excited even though it will be a lot of work and added stress. It was a big financial decision, but considering I bought and sold 3 times in that neighborhood and did very well....I see that continuing. And that will help me get closer to my financial goals.

Some exciting news: we have a garden now!!!! My girl has been asking since last summer if we can have one and I knew I’d need help from old nanny. Last she was in town they all went to store and found this city dweller kit where it’s an orange box with wheels and drainage. We planted 6 cucumber plants in there and they bought a hanging strawberry plant which has been a big hit with my son. He talks about how long it will take for the berries to turn red every night, then every morning he races outside to see if they are red. When one did turn they both were so excited and came screaming into the house that we had a red berry to pick.
Here it is.....we cut off the dark parts and all had a taste. Now, if I’m honest it was a bit sour, but the process of planting and growing has been so much fun.
They do need watered everyday so either me or nanny take the kids out with their watering cans. I may be enjoying it as much as they are!!

Lately we’ve had some rough days. I’m not sure what it is about being with mom, but both kids have been acting up on the weekends....mostly my son. Last weekend was one for the books. My girl had been asking to make cupcakes (which I have never made w the kids) and I said sure, let’s do it Saturday. Since we had never done it before together it was a big deal. Well, that morning it took us an hour to get out of the house with their shenanigans and first stop was the bank. Neither of them would listen, my son wouldn’t stay on the bench, they were just squirreling around. Well I warned them I needed them to listen. Then I warned that if they continued we wouldn’t go to store to get cupcake stuff. Well it continued until we got to car so I said no cupcakes. The looks on their faces about broke my heart. My son cried all the way home and threw a tantrum and my dayughter cried  too. They both went in their rooms and cried more. Oh man I felt so bad because I was looking forward to doing it too. We made the list and everything. But, I did feel like they had to learn time with mom is not a free for all and I mean business—especially in public.

So, after rocking my crying children I said hey guys, let’s have a better day and we can do cupcakes on tomorrow on Sunday. That seemed to feel better to all of us.

I did also apologize for hollering at them in the car and explained that I need them to behave for me. The thing is, in the grand scheme they weren’t terrible ie not yelling at me or anything, but they just wouldn’t listen. It was an exhausting day.

However, Sunday was much much better....here they are enjoying our first time making cupcakes. And yes, both of them have headbands and nail polish.

We are getting ready for kindergarten graduation next week already. I’m sad because this has been such a good year at school for my girl. I went for her conference last week and felt just so...proud. They said she was one of their best learners, loves school, is a good friend, and is very sweet to her teachers. I can’t ask for much more.  I’ll admit I cried during conference because it just felt emotional. Like leaving their nest. Although thankfully my son will be going to the school this fall and he will have the same teacher my girl did when she started. Wow already.

We also just went to last chapel yesterday ( they do it on Wednesdays). They have the birthday kids get up on stage and my girl got to be up because she has summer birthday. She’s been so excited about it like it’s her real birthday—she even found a birthday pin for her dress. A dress that seemed too long last summer and now is verging in too short. Oh these kids.

I also cried yesterday at chapel because for the first time I let my son go up on stage too with his sistereven though it’s just for the school kids. They sing this song where they jump up and down and wave their arm. As I was watching both of them, together, just so happy and free...seeing MY babies up there. I just couldn’t stop the tears. I’m such a sap I’m crying now thinking about it. I really believe through all the crazy hard, when these moments happen I’m just so happy it makes me cry. What can I say?!

Three-nado

I’m not sure if I know what hit us yesterday.....oh wait, yes I do. It was my three year old son who from the minute he got up wouldn’t listen most of the day, back-talked, made messes, and broke a lot of things. He destroyed many things in his path including what little mental energy I had.
I honestly don’t know why it was so hard other than maybe we were off schedule? He needed more attention? He was tired? Starting to get sick? Or it was just plain him being three.

Remember the days when he was in speech therapy? Well, think we’ve clearly graduated. He talks talks talks and is now getting sassy. I’ll say ‘Son, time to sit down’....his response, ‘Time to sit down YOU!’ Meaning I need to sit down. Ummmm what?! ‘Go to your room YOU’. ‘Stop YOU’.
On top of that he talks so loud! Like he hasn’t learned what inside voice means so not only does he talk but it’s like he’s shouting all the time. And yes, his ears have been checked.
It took us an hour yesterday to try and get ready to leave so I could go sign my taxes. He just wouldn’t listen no matter how many calm downs he had.
I was on the couch and he was crawling on me. Normally that’s fine but his elbows and knees hurt sometimes. However this time he had  gotten up and was raising his leg and I said son, please don’t step on me. Sure enough he took that step right on my hip—ouch!
Then when I was getting ready I heard something crash and he had broken my girl’s ceramic bunny by throwing it down and its ears broke off.
Then when we were trying to get out the door I hear ‘whack’ my girl starts yelping.... he somehow hit her in the head by pushing her or from the door.
Then after we get back he walks out of his room with a pile of wrappers—he uses inserts in his pull ups at night and had unwrapped a bunch and stuck them around.
Then I found the top of the soap dispenser broken.
Then I found clothes all over his room. He emptied his dresser drawer because he said  he was trying to find his jeans.

To say it was a rough day is an understatement. It was flat out exhausting and I would have called in reinforcements if there were any to call. I’m proud that I didn’t resort to any spanking etc but I did shout a few times, which I don’t like to do.

The thing is, he immediately knows when he’s misbehaving because he’ll right away say, ‘Saw-ee mommy or saw-ee sissy.’ Then turn around and do something again.
He was in rare form and probably one of the hardest days I’ve had with him.

It wasn’t all him I was very tired from the lack of sleep I’ve gotten lately so it’s not surprising that when I’m not at my best, they aren’t either. It tends to go like that, but some days sure wish it would be the opposite.
Normally I perk up in the evening hours and  if you add caffeine into the mix I wasn’t going to bed until 1-2 am, then one of the two may wake up during the night, and then my son would be up in my room as early as 5:30....so a week or so of 3-4 hours sleep  like that just isn’t going to cut it.
Last several days I cut out caffeine again and was dragging with a capital D.
Sleep has been a problem for me since my mom passed back in 2008. Obviously the emotional toll then but I actually think that living under longer-term constant, intense stress really impacts your hormonal system.i don’t know that for sure, though.

I’ve been wanting to post pictures from our spring break but can’t seem to get phone to do. Tried to do one for this blog and couldn’t. May try one more time after this.
It was full week and we played at park, went swimming, painted, went to library, shopping, played at sand pit, had a birthday party for our cat that the neighbors came over to, played games at chucks, etc....good times although my son struggled napping so he was ‘interesting’ to be around by the latter part of week.

Even though he can be tough at three, he can say the most hilarious things. He still loves riding his purple cah around the house so when he came into the kitchen I said:
‘Where were you?” And he says, “At a woman’s house”. I burst out laughing on that one....
He is also still so snuggly and gives the best hugs and kisses. He’ll come over and slowly lay his head on my leg and put his arms around them and say, “I wuuuuv you”.
Awwww
He’s also telling knock knock jokes just like his sister. Most of them don’t make sense buts it’s pretty cute to see what’s going through his mind.
Like ‘knock knock?’
We say who’s there?
Mom.
Mom who?
Mom......ummmm.....mom blue! And cracks himself up.

The other thing he says a lot is poop, pee-pee, and toots. In that order. Go figure.

It’s a good thing my son is so charming because even after the rough day we had today was much better and he gave lots of hugs and kisses. I’ll take it.

Next up we have registration for first grade next week already. I pretty much decided that we will try to go back to our public school this fall and see if it isn’t better than first time around. I did send an email to the principal like she suggested back when I spoke to her in January. I wrote that we needed someone a bit ‘softer ’ And my girl is used to a lot of smiles, hugs, and positive encouragement and responds well to that. Principal did respond and said she’d add to her notes and copied her admin so guess we will see. Another positive is that I ran into a woman at the park who’s son is also in kinder now and she said they ended up making a 7th kinder class because each class was just too big. That took size down to 20-ish which is better. I also asked them what they thought of the school and big bummer they said they weren’t the people to ask because they weren’t big fans—-for many of reasons I wasn’t (big classes, lots of boys, lack of parenting, some peer group kids questionable, etc).
I realize no school is perfect, but I will say I LOVE our private kinder and have no hesitation saying it was best decision. The kids/parents/school are great. Such a bummer they stop at kinder.
I’ve decided we can try and if for some reason not good, I’ll have to search out another private and just will spend a fortune on nanny and school...even more than I do now.

Other than that, My aunts surgery is coming up, I’m going to try a counselor through work program and see if I like her—several sessions are free, and I learned one of the last closer friends living here accepted a new job and is moving away. Big sigh. Even more reason I need to connect with my girls school, church, etc.