Summer Break. Thank You.

I owe a lot to summer break from school right now. Mainly because it's the first time in months on end we haven't been sick! It's amazing how much nicer our days have been when they sleep, eat, and just feel better. SO many less fussies, tantrums, and stressful times.

When I think back over last many months it really was majorly hard. It started back November of last year and I don't think it stopped until a few weeks ago. I'm sure I've summarized already but both kids in ER and countless illnesses later--we just took a beating in our house. I wish I was being dramatic.

In fact my girl needed a dr sign off for her fall preschool paperwork but I wanted to actually talk w the dr. So she got a checkup and I wanted to see if all of this is normal, is it possible there's an immunity issue, do we need to start vitamins, etc.?

Basically dr said all of this is normal and it usually lasts a year and a half.

GULP.

I'm not ready to start this again in the fall. Can't they make some kind of something to protect against all this? Answer seems to be she is building her immunity and her brother's too. If so then why do I get sick too? 

Another thing that was more clear to me now that the clouds have parted is that as hard as it was on me, they were just as tired of it too. Their behavior was very frustrating at times but looking back I can see why. While living it, it wasn't that clear. Just emotionally exhausting.

So....thank you summer break.

So far I've gone on a trip to see some friends in Boston over Memorial Day. Spent thurs-mon. Can't remember last time, if I ever have, been away NOT on work travel. My patience tank filled right up.

My girl started swimming lessons!! We found a place that charged us group class price for 1:1 lessons. The instructor was willing to come in early because all classes were full. So we've done 2 weeks of those and it's been great. Nanny took her to the first one and I took her to the second. I'm a big mush. When I saw her in there doing what the teacher asked, beaming with pride, looking to see my reaction---I found myself just in tears, waving everytime she looked, and giving thumbs up the whole time. So proud of that kid! She loves it and she's progressing fast. She goes tue and fri. Well that's what she did, the instructor said I need to call about what's next so we will see. 

This is the first of any lesson we've ever done. Seems like I just need to open my checkbook from now on because all of this stuff is not cheap.

I started seeing a therapist. She was recommended from within our company medical group. I've had 3 visits with her now. The first one I was really impressed because she seemed confident she could help me. You spend most of the first few visits with background. I had high hopes but they are slowly fading. Mainly because I think she is very disorganized. She's said to me twice or three times now, so, you're married?. Um no. I've told her that a few times now. She was a no call no show last week. Said she left a message. Nope. Her phone goes off every visit and every visit she says oh man forgot to turn it off. She said yes, let's meet twice a week, think we could make progress--then last visit said, once a week should be fine.

Lady, read my file before I come and stop asking me things you should already know. I could overlook the smaller things if I thought she could provide great therapy. Hmmmm not sure on that yet. Great first visit, next one so-so, this last one no. I'm willing to try a few more times but things will have to improve. If not, I'll start over again. Ugh.

My old nanny was just here for a visit and my sister is coming Thursday.

When old nanny comes the funniest thing happens--I can't keep my eyes open at night. I feel exhausted like at 8:30pm. I've figured out its because I can truly relax with someone else in the house--who can help. It's like I really exhale....I went to bed like at 9ish the whole time.

The other thing we did was take my son for his speech evaluation. The state has a program where it's free for eval no matter income so I said why not. Family down the way went there too. He tested above age in receptive comm--understanding. But delayed in speaking. I could have told you this w/out the eval but fine.

He does need therapy. Problem with that service is if you do need therapy it is income driven then. Hundreds a month. No thanks. So I called around and we have to start over with new eval under insurance. Will do that Friday.

They did eval including motor--he loved this one.

I think his motor skills just fine. Here's his new trick.

We've also done a lot of swimming in the back yard and at the neighborhood pool. When it's scorching outside already that's about all we can do.

I've also decided that my medication is not working as well as it should. I'm much more anxious, a lot at night where I worry the what ifs? Worry about when I  travel, etc. I hadn't really put two and two together until a few weeks ago. It's been many months I've been feeling this and when I think back i think it started when I started taking generic. If anyone says they are the same don't believe it. My insurance had this rx as some type where it would have been 675/mo. We submitted an appeal and it got approved last week! So now it will be 120 for 3 months. Huge difference. I'm waiting for them to mail so I can switch and see if I notice changes.

I'll end with this--

My girl is continuing to say the darndest things. This morning I made them eggs and cut up strawberries with oranges. She says, "mom, you are a genius!" I ask her why is that and she says it's because I used rainbow colors.

If only that's all it took!

Family

It's official. On May 21st my son became a toddler. He had his FIRST haircut. On the day of I didn't really seem too sad but in the days after I have to say--I mourned the baby curls. I really just miss 'em. And what they say is true he looks so 'boy' now and not my cuddly wuddly squishy bear.

Can't believe how long his hair had gotten.

Before

During

After

What that haircut stirred up, well just continued for me.....is this the last time I'll have a first haircut? My baby's not a baby! I haven't written too much about my thoughts on family because I am a single mother to two awesome and healthy children. They are 3 and 1, a boy and girl--what more could I possibly want or hope for?

A few things come up for me--I have 3 embryos left that I pay a storage fee annually for. Growing up I just saw myself with 3 children. I'm 41.

Ive tossed the idea around of how insane it might be to consider another. I know i know. Where the idea even comes from is not wanting any life regrets, any thoughts of---shoulda woulda.

Some people say they know they are just done. I guess in the absence of having that feeling I stew on it.  It's not all consuming but I can tell you I haven't given away one baby item.

Something else that comes to mind is maybe a husband with kids already would add to our family. That sounds good to me also.

I'm not debating the idea that things would be crazy hard. It's crazy hard with 2. But, I wouldn't be hesitating at all (I don't think) if I were married and another person was helping me raise our family.

Keeping up with other blogs I know other  moms of 1 and even 2 still work through these thoughts. There's just a finality to it when you say this is my last...fill in the blank, first tooth, new baby smell, etc. ever for the rest of my life.

Most likely we are where we will be...but I've learned never to say never. And will continue to pay my annual fee.

Graduation

I Well we did it! We made it through our first/3 year preschool year. I called it graduation but really it was an end of school year program for all the classes.

She was SO excited for this party especially because she knew I was coming. Talked about it for days ahead of it.

It was last Thursday--I was able to take her to school with nanny and my son then head off to chapel. They call it chapel but it is in a progressive kind of church with chairs/stage/lighting/big screens.

They've done this for years now so it is a pretty organized event. Once doors open everyone rushes in to get closest to the front. We made our way in and as we were walking to front a lady sat down and 'claimed' the whole row I was walking up to--like 12 seats! It felt rude to me but nanny said she's done it before. Who knew?

We sat down and had a little while to wait so my son was getting pretty antsy. They had blankets all lined along the very front below the stage and each class was assigned to one. 

They finally started filing in--little ones first and progressively bigger. I spotted her teacher and got so dang excited. I became THAT parent ready to wave wildly to my child. As soon as I spotted her I couldn't believe what happened. I had this enormous ball of emotion come bursting out of me and I just started crying. And crying. And...crying. I was so unprepared for my reaction I didn't even bring tissue-had to get one from nanny.

When I saw her I just a)beamed with pride b) saw how much of a big girl she was following along in a line c) seeing her face light up when she saw me. Oh brings tears to my eyes reliving it right now. Wiping them away now.

I didn't realize how big the school was until they had all the kids go--younger twos, older twos, 3's etc. many many classes.

They brought one group on stage while the next group waited on the ramp and they had a singer perform in the transition spots. Very smooth.

Finally it was her turn and the whole class-15 maybe-lined the stage. They did a surfing song and I was so proud--most of the kids just stood there but she rocked it--did all the steps and did her 'freestyle' as she called it. I didn't practice once with her.

I'm also realizing that trying to capture all these moments on video takes away from actually living the moment as it happens. This was the first program she's ever been in so I spent a lot of time making sure the camera was focused, not wobbly, not too far out, etc. and by the time I did all that they were done!

There were a few classes after hers so I spent most of the rest of the time in the hall with my son who wanted nothing to do with sitting down anymore.

When they were all finished we went back to her classroom where they had an ice cream party. She got a super neat book that had pictures of her throughout her time Jan-may. These events are also kind of interesting because the parents sort of focus on their kid and none of the parents really interacted much. Kind of like 3 year olds do sometimes-play next to but not with.

We didn't stay long after that but we at least got a pic of my girl with her teacher.

What was also a great part of the day was we had mommy and my girl lunch afterwards. Nanny and my son were going to go but he continued to melt down so we dropped them off at home. We got to the restaurant and I asked her what her favorite part about the program was? Do you know what she said?

She said her favorite part was that I came to her party. And that I was so proud.

Melt my heart into a thousand pieces!! The fact that she could articulate that and I knew she really meant it. Just can't explain how much I welled up inside.

It also made me think that this is the exact reason I will ALWAYS strive to be there for her--a school event, a program, sports, whatever it is. She is three and a half and can already tell me how much it means to her. Means so much to me too.

Overall we had just the most delightful time together. Such a positive, nice, no fussy, real connection time.

I jut loved it.

Overall school WAS the right decision for us. She's learning things constantly and starting to learn about friendships. I'm starting to learn that I can't keep other kids from hurting her feelings and that's hard. I wanted to tell little Leah a thing or two when my girl said Leah didn't want to play with her. Umm what!?

I didn't meet any other moms to have play dates with but think that's mainly due to me not dropping off/picking up.

The teacher said my girl blossomed throughout time there and was a very sweet girl. They normally have conferences but they were cancelled due getting a few days back for other weather cancellations.

They do a report card of sorts and shows what they know in preparation to read, etc. she needs to work on lower case letters and number recognition. Fine by me.

It was not a super easy transition because at the beginning, and even now really, she says she misses me 'all day'. But also has said she loves school and her favorite thing to do now is play school at home. She is usually the teacher, of course and she is usually sending me to the behavior chart!

Looking forward to next year at the 4 year old class. We are staying at this preschool and she will go mon-thurs and stay 2 afternoons tue and wed. She's going to take a 'cooking' and gardening class. She also got assigned to the teacher her current teacher suggested. Seems all a go. Now just have to help my girl understand that school is out for the summer. For some reason she's super focused on her birthday so we will distract her with that.

And I continue to capture some of the hilarious things she says--things to make me outright laugh.

--my son was running in our cul de sac and I asked him to stop. He didn't of course and she says, 'he doesn't listen very well' I said no he doesn't. 

She says, 'I think we need to buy a new one'!  Then the next day in the morning after he had given us both a lot of kisses she says, 'I thought we needed a new one but he's so nice'!

--I had gotten her some new play shorts and they just weren't fitting her right. I said these shorts suck and she says 'yeah like babies suck nunies'?

Yes babe, kind like that.

Happy Muh-vers Day!

Got these from my good Boston friends. So nice!! They have sent some every year since my very first Mother's Day.

My girl was SO darn excited about Mother's Day today. She kept talking about it and saying things like 'it's so exciting! I just LOVE muh-vers day!'

She wanted to make a card for our nanny and insisted on brown play-do so she could make her cookies too. She used light brown for the cookie and dark brown for the sprinkles of choc chips. I just opened the playdo and she did all the rest. It was so sweet. Then as we were getting ready for bed she decided that we should have gotten her a present too so she used a Halloween pumpkin and put bob the build-er figurine in it. Oh and we had to hide the card right next to our cat's food dish.

What I love seeing is that she seems just as excited to make other people things as she does to get presents herself.

Nanny had brought with her two cards the kids made--my son's handprint in one and a pic of my girl in the other. She was blowing a dandelion in the pic and the inside of the card was her fingerprints making a dandelion. So cute! Also a painting the kids had made.

It was a nice day today--other than being tired from an interrupted night of sleep. I woke up off the couch around 1am, my son awake at 415, my girl yelling out at 5:30am--she's started calling me so I can put her blanket back on her!, at least they both went back to sleep.

I don't want to say it too fast but I think my girl is turning a developmental corner again and I am seeing less tantrums and fussy behavior. What I am also seeing is the ability to have longer, regular conversations. Our time is at night after my son is in bed at 7. We have a lengthy routine that involves show, reading on my bed, she goes potty, we stretch on my floor, we 'talk', then she brushes teeth, I lay my head on side of her bed and we 'talk' more, then maybe cinder.ella story then sleep around 8.

I'm finding she is quite sensitive and worries about things. For example her frisbee went over the backyard fence and she really melted down about it but I said we'd get it the next day. First thing next morning she says can we get the frisbee. She even said 'I'm so worried about my frisbee'.  This may be normal or maybe she's on the anxious side. There are times though where her little heart seems so upset. Tonight she looked at me with real tears and the tone of her voice was so sad and she says 'I'm really going to miss you at school'. Now she says this about every day but I know when it's different--when she is really sad and her eyes get watery, her voice gets shaky. I just want to scoop her up and keep her little heart from hurting--ever!

She is able to express much better what she is thinking versus acting out. Yesterday she was grouchy a lot and at one point she was back talking a lot. Time out wasn't helping. When she finally calmed down she comes to me--serious as can be--and says 'mom, I think we need to talk about this'. (She's into calling me mom these days). I let her explain that she doesn't like when I get upset at her and I needed to apologize. Then I had to help her understand that she's not always going to like what I say but she has to listen better with no backtalking.

At the end of our conversation she asked if we could hug. How great was that!!!

Our days aren't perfect by any stretch but it just feels like things are easier these days--not so emotionally exhausting.

That is of course when there's not sickness in the house and sure enough, we are still fighting another virus that got both of them. My son in the form of fever and croup and my girl with fever and cough/respiratory.

Sigh.

At least there's comic relief--the other day my girl was building with blocks and they all fell down...she yells out 'I just can't take it anymore!'

Ha.

This morning--My girl's morning scowl and my boy's delight at all things with push buttons and lights. What's memorable about this snap is my son can climb in the chair now himself so this was the first time I saw my girl crawl up in the chair to sit next to her brother--all on her own. Awww. Happy Mother's Day to me.

It's happening

My squishy wishy lovey dovey snuggle bear baby is turning into......a toddler. Yes it's happening. He's decided that whenever we come inside--scream. Whenever he gets taken out of bath--scream. When he starts walking he just wants to go! So it all started coming together for me when I would try and redirect him by turning his shoulder, taking his hand, or blocking his path he just sat down. I said wait a minute!! He's not old enough to do this.

THEN he started the limp noodle trick, we all know it---when you try to pick them up and they don't want to--they sort of just slip through your grip to a big puddle on the floor.

It just was an aha that oh my, here we are.

He's totally testing boundaries. We have this tv console that has an open shelf and a shelf above. He's constantly stepping on it and pulling up---we say 'feet on the floor' and sometimes he listens but mostly he just smiles and giggles. When he knows I mean business he'll get down but not without a body-clenching, back-arched scream. And if he's really mad he'll throw his nuni.

And this kid has a temper. If sister grabs something he had--watch out. He used to just say oh well and reach for something else. Now? Scream, red-faced, sometimes drool coming down, maybe even real tears. 

He has opinions too--when we come out to the living room he walks under the mantel and grunts and points. The remotes are up there so that means he wants to watch a show. And not just any show--George or Daniel. That's about it. When the show is over--I replay recorded ones, he turns around and his mouth drops open for a huge grunt like --do you see this! It's over! Fix it!

I now have to wrestle him just to change his clothes or diaper. I've literally had to put my leg over him to stop him from twisting and turning and carrying on.

He's now pretending he can't hear me when I call to him. Just the other morning I called out son...son. He kept going and right as he turned the corner he looked back and smiled. That whipper snapper!

Through all of that angst he is really picking up how much he communicates. He still does it through grunting and pointing, but it's amazing how much you can connect just with that. 

It's kind of funny because his 'grunting' sounds a bit more chirpy--hard to describe but I find myself making the same noises back to him.

In the tub a game he likes to play is sitting still, looking right at me and says AaaaH.  I repeat. He does it again louder, longer--I repeat. Then he maybe throws in a short, quiet aah just for fun. He loves it. When his sister joins in we are all aaaaahhh-ing together. Family fun.

His other new obsession is shoes. He wants to wear all kinds of shoes no matter what the size. He'll bring one over,  hold it up to you, chirp...as if to say put it on me! Then he just walks and walks. Hey if this entertains him, fine by me.

I think I'm going to revise what I've said earlier about my son and that he's easy going--I think I've mistaken 'independent player' with easy going. For some reason I thought if he can occupy himself that's a relaxed kid. Ummm no it isn't.

It's not that he's high-strung or high-maintenance but he does have opinions and a temper. Maybe all kids do at this stage.

Now granted he's had a ton of things that have been very uncomfortable for him. I think his general disposition is happy when he's not teething, sick, having tummy troubles as a tiny baby, recovering from broken arm etc. it's usually something causing him not to feel well that makes him cranky and fussy.

Alas, he is becoming less and less of a hip baby and prefers to scooch down off of me than sit in my lap. 

Growing independence, testing boundaries, tantrums (not awful yet but will just full on lay down and cry as needed), less huggy, selective hearing, more communication.....all signs pointing to a toddler in the house!

Even his face is becoming less baby and he's growing taller.

Oh...my boy.

5:52 am

My new regular wake up time.

My son's last of the 4 teeth popping through has finally popped (he now has 16 teeth, 8 top and 8 bottom).  What a marathon!!  It's been weeks and weeks, well months this kid has been suffering. Trouble going to sleep, staying asleep, and sleeping to a somewhat normal wake up time.  Really fussy and whiny throughout the day and generally just miserable. It's been a mess......therefore my sleep has been a mess too.

However over the last 3 nights or so I've noticed after I rock him with a bottle and lay him down, he turns right over like he used to and pretty much goes to sleep. Well, that is if he has his nuni now. I am not a fan of the pacifier at all. His nanny started him on it months ago and it seemed to really help his teething pain i.e. less moaning and whining.  So, I didn't want to take it away when absolutely nothing else was working.....tried frozen chewies, regular chewies, ice in a mesh bag thing, his hands, cold foods, etc..
And now we will have to some weaning process or just get rid of them because, of course, he likes them now and he has one popped in his mouth all the time. He still drools a ton--slime-like, but I am hoping that will slow down over the next few weeks.

Same with bottles. Our nanny is not a fan of bottles and when she is here she gives them both sippy cups or my girl regular ones, puts them to nap and rest time w/out them, and they both do just fine. The problem is.......me.  There is something about the bottles that I would say I liken to maybe the experience of breastfeeding. It is bonding for me to just hold and rock my son right before bed. He starts out munching around and after some bottle and rocking he just starts to relax and eventually gets heavy....then his eyes start closing slowly....he looks right into my eyes, etc.. I just find that time of the day to be most lovely.  I still allow my 3 1/2 year old to have them too. Yes, I know I know! I don't want to give hers up I think because that would mean she's really a big girl now. I'm not ready to let go of her baby-ness. Now, let's be clear she drinks out of regular cups all the time, even fills up her own cup of water from the fridge water dispenser.....but I let her have a bottle in the morning, one at rest time, and one before bed.  It's very calming for her.....therefore calming for me.
Slow to let go and transition most things. But guess what? I don't care too much otherwise I'd change it.

I have to share an amazing moment.  Just this morning at, you guessed it, 5:52 am my son starts crying out. By the time I drag my sleepy self in there he is normally standing up in his crib with his arms over the edge...hands or nuni back in his mouth chewing. I usually pick him up, put him on my hip, and walk over to grab a diaper before heading back to my room--trying to keep him quiet so sister can sleep some more.
Well, the minute I put him on my hip he takes his nuni out of his mouth, leans in and gives me an open, sloppy, big ole kiss on my cheek. Then, pops his nuni back in his mouth.
Melt my heart! I said outloud, "oh my god son.....Thank you!".
What a way to start the day, huh??  I am SOOO thankful he seems to be a happy morning baby.  When my other grouch comes out, it takes awhile for her to warm up for the day. Can't blame her I'm not a morning person either.

Thinking.....I've been doing a lot of it over the last few months. Mostly around what do I want for my kids i.e. where to live, what do I want to be doing to be the best parent, what do I want for me.......For some reason since moving into the house I just don't feel settled. I don't necessarily feel like this is home for some reason. I can't put my finger on it....could be due to time, only have been in here less than a year, a new neighborhood/area of town I haven't lived in before, I really don't know.  I am constantly looking at houses and other neighborhoods--well, actually I've done that for years. My secret obsession is looking at houses online. I do it every single day just about. But I also drive around a lot just looking at different areas and homes.  There are a few neighborhoods that I really like better than where we are living for a few reasons a) there are KIDS in the neighborhood all over the place b) there are sidewalks and c) the style of the homes is much more midwest than it is southern. The downside is that it is farther from my job and would add to my commute. Which now is about 30 minutes max, 15 minutes on a good day. Can't hardly beat that in a major city.
The school systems here are humongous!  Thousands of kids in the high schools and usually at least a thousand in the elementary schools. I have heard time and time again that this suburb is 'very competitive' when it comes to sports, etc.. A child has to choose a sport early on because they play all year and if your child doesn't do that, they won't be competitive. Huh?!
I've decided that it's partly due to the fact that there aren't deep roots here....a lot of transplants, no one seems to be 'from' here....a lot of type A personality, career people. Well yes, that makes sense why the neighborhood feels that way.

I don't know....I wonder if I shouldn't maybe try to find a therapist again.  I just haven't had good luck the last few go-rounds.  If they aren't super smart, it's disappointing to me and not super helpful.  I don't need someone to just say uh huh, uh huh...I need someone to be able to challenge me to think and come up with things I couldn't think of myself. We have an employee assis.tance program at work but I've found those referrals aren't the best.  Maybe I'll look through our network through insurance and take a stab.

I think my goal is to just feel more at peace. I don't want to always be thinking what next? where to go next? I want to be a little more present and just relax and enjoy exactly where I am right now.  I have a beautiful home, 2 small, healthy (overall) children, a cat, a great job that provides a ton of flexibility, a great standard of living, financially secure.....I don't know what I seem to think is 'not right' other than a feeling of not being settled.

I'm going to have to work on that because I just don't want to focus so much on the future and miss what's right in front of me.  That's just not easy to do.....at least for me.

Welcome home

Ahhhhh I'm home. I spent last week in the field in Colorado and New Mexico. I left last Sunday and got home this past Friday. Not sure I've been gone that long from my babies....I sure missed them. I talked every day to them and there is something about hearing their little voices 

(Well my sons grunts) that make my heart well up. My girl told me all about school and planting and all the things on a 3 1/2 year olds mind. Bummer I missed muffins with mom at preschool but our nanny went with my son and they all enjoyed it.

That's not to say I didn't take full advantage of the break. After work I went back to the hotel and just sat there. Didn't do anything. It. Was. Great. I actually watched wheel for the first time in a year I think. To not have to bathe or feed or change diapers or have anyone need anything--big exhale.

Overall it was interesting because I didn't come home as rested as I thought I would feel. Think mostly because I was not on vacation!! I was up at the crack of dawn and drove many hours and miles over the week. However I did notice my patience tank was filled up!! Even though my girl had a grouchy day on Saturday we still had a decent day.

Interrupted sleep has been my nemesis for a long time now. During my trip I still woke up during the night BUT when I can just turn over and fall back to sleep vs haul myself out of bed it makes a big difference in my state of mind and feeling of being rested.

I know it's a constant state of being with mothers of young children but just getting that several day break was helpful.

When I got home this past Friday--around 6ish I went to sit on the floor and my son ran over to me arms outstretched and gave me a big ole open mouth slobbery kiss on the cheek. Just melted my heart. Such a sweet sweet boy. The teeth he's been fussing over STILL haven't come through--next to the bottom 4 front. He's been chewing on everything and drooling like mad.

I took him to his 18 mo visit and the peds said she recommends taking him to get evaluated for speech. He doesn't really talk--just grunts and points. He does understand what you say if I tell him to go get a book or we are going outside, but he hasn't built on his words. He did say mama awhile ago but doesn't repeat. He also says Bom-Bom at the end out singing but not always on command. That's it. Think I will take him, though.

For my girl ( well me too) I wasn't sure how it was going to go because week before last we were all vomiting and my girl had the worst sickness ever--vomit every 30 min for 12 hours.

It took until about Friday for her to want to get off the couch and do anything for any length of time. Poor baby tried a few times the day before and thought better of it as soon as she got off the couch.

Seems she is much better from vomiting episode but slept terribly Friday night--night I got back ( up every few hours) and now has a head cold. Stuffy nose and complains of throat hurting.

Crap.

A bit of good news my sons arm seems to have healed. For awhile there he was still very protective of it and it was still hurting him to fall. But over last few weeks he started crawling on it and that made me feel much relief. He's now hitting with it again so I'd say it's fine 😀