5:52 am

My new regular wake up time.

My son's last of the 4 teeth popping through has finally popped (he now has 16 teeth, 8 top and 8 bottom).  What a marathon!!  It's been weeks and weeks, well months this kid has been suffering. Trouble going to sleep, staying asleep, and sleeping to a somewhat normal wake up time.  Really fussy and whiny throughout the day and generally just miserable. It's been a mess......therefore my sleep has been a mess too.

However over the last 3 nights or so I've noticed after I rock him with a bottle and lay him down, he turns right over like he used to and pretty much goes to sleep. Well, that is if he has his nuni now. I am not a fan of the pacifier at all. His nanny started him on it months ago and it seemed to really help his teething pain i.e. less moaning and whining.  So, I didn't want to take it away when absolutely nothing else was working.....tried frozen chewies, regular chewies, ice in a mesh bag thing, his hands, cold foods, etc..
And now we will have to some weaning process or just get rid of them because, of course, he likes them now and he has one popped in his mouth all the time. He still drools a ton--slime-like, but I am hoping that will slow down over the next few weeks.

Same with bottles. Our nanny is not a fan of bottles and when she is here she gives them both sippy cups or my girl regular ones, puts them to nap and rest time w/out them, and they both do just fine. The problem is.......me.  There is something about the bottles that I would say I liken to maybe the experience of breastfeeding. It is bonding for me to just hold and rock my son right before bed. He starts out munching around and after some bottle and rocking he just starts to relax and eventually gets heavy....then his eyes start closing slowly....he looks right into my eyes, etc.. I just find that time of the day to be most lovely.  I still allow my 3 1/2 year old to have them too. Yes, I know I know! I don't want to give hers up I think because that would mean she's really a big girl now. I'm not ready to let go of her baby-ness. Now, let's be clear she drinks out of regular cups all the time, even fills up her own cup of water from the fridge water dispenser.....but I let her have a bottle in the morning, one at rest time, and one before bed.  It's very calming for her.....therefore calming for me.
Slow to let go and transition most things. But guess what? I don't care too much otherwise I'd change it.

I have to share an amazing moment.  Just this morning at, you guessed it, 5:52 am my son starts crying out. By the time I drag my sleepy self in there he is normally standing up in his crib with his arms over the edge...hands or nuni back in his mouth chewing. I usually pick him up, put him on my hip, and walk over to grab a diaper before heading back to my room--trying to keep him quiet so sister can sleep some more.
Well, the minute I put him on my hip he takes his nuni out of his mouth, leans in and gives me an open, sloppy, big ole kiss on my cheek. Then, pops his nuni back in his mouth.
Melt my heart! I said outloud, "oh my god son.....Thank you!".
What a way to start the day, huh??  I am SOOO thankful he seems to be a happy morning baby.  When my other grouch comes out, it takes awhile for her to warm up for the day. Can't blame her I'm not a morning person either.

Thinking.....I've been doing a lot of it over the last few months. Mostly around what do I want for my kids i.e. where to live, what do I want to be doing to be the best parent, what do I want for me.......For some reason since moving into the house I just don't feel settled. I don't necessarily feel like this is home for some reason. I can't put my finger on it....could be due to time, only have been in here less than a year, a new neighborhood/area of town I haven't lived in before, I really don't know.  I am constantly looking at houses and other neighborhoods--well, actually I've done that for years. My secret obsession is looking at houses online. I do it every single day just about. But I also drive around a lot just looking at different areas and homes.  There are a few neighborhoods that I really like better than where we are living for a few reasons a) there are KIDS in the neighborhood all over the place b) there are sidewalks and c) the style of the homes is much more midwest than it is southern. The downside is that it is farther from my job and would add to my commute. Which now is about 30 minutes max, 15 minutes on a good day. Can't hardly beat that in a major city.
The school systems here are humongous!  Thousands of kids in the high schools and usually at least a thousand in the elementary schools. I have heard time and time again that this suburb is 'very competitive' when it comes to sports, etc.. A child has to choose a sport early on because they play all year and if your child doesn't do that, they won't be competitive. Huh?!
I've decided that it's partly due to the fact that there aren't deep roots here....a lot of transplants, no one seems to be 'from' here....a lot of type A personality, career people. Well yes, that makes sense why the neighborhood feels that way.

I don't know....I wonder if I shouldn't maybe try to find a therapist again.  I just haven't had good luck the last few go-rounds.  If they aren't super smart, it's disappointing to me and not super helpful.  I don't need someone to just say uh huh, uh huh...I need someone to be able to challenge me to think and come up with things I couldn't think of myself. We have an employee assis.tance program at work but I've found those referrals aren't the best.  Maybe I'll look through our network through insurance and take a stab.

I think my goal is to just feel more at peace. I don't want to always be thinking what next? where to go next? I want to be a little more present and just relax and enjoy exactly where I am right now.  I have a beautiful home, 2 small, healthy (overall) children, a cat, a great job that provides a ton of flexibility, a great standard of living, financially secure.....I don't know what I seem to think is 'not right' other than a feeling of not being settled.

I'm going to have to work on that because I just don't want to focus so much on the future and miss what's right in front of me.  That's just not easy to do.....at least for me.