Things had been moving along with the transfer medication pretty well when it was the lup and just Estr.ace but now that the E is 3x a day and I have an estrogen patch it has made me feel pretty uncomfortable. I feel like my abdomen has expanded like there is air in there. It’s just this overly full feeling that I just can’t shake. I’m also having a lot of hot flushes and headache. I think the gastrointestinal upset is by far the hardest to manage.
On Thursday night I emailed the coordinator and ccd the coordinator dr. to say I was pretty uncomfortable and this may be normal (certainly don’t remember it this way) but described my symptoms and do we perhaps need a check in prior to my monitoring appointment already scheduled for Monday and could they call me soonest.
I wanted to see how long it took them to reach out to me. Tick tock. Wasn’t until friday at 430 did they leave a message and say hmmm, odd, maybe viral since medicine shouldn’t be causing those symptoms. Basically hang in there see you Monday.
I was disappointed to say the least. One, the follow up time was pretty slow and two, I read the side effects of the patch that night and my symptoms couldbe due to those: headache, nausea, bloating, etc. So, ummm, why wouldn’t they know this?
I can say I am pretty underwhelmed with his staff this go round. From getting the hscope scheduled in the time frame it was supposed to be (he had to intervene to get it in the preferred window). Then the confusion on when to start medication and monitoring (dr said start right with Lup start) to the ‘format emails’ that tell me to keep taking my prenatals ( which no one had asked me to start) and start the cleanse (which the instructions specifically say not to do while taking injections for ivf). Honestly it’s a good thing I’m smart enough to thoroughly read through and ask questions because if I blindly followed their lead I’m not sure I’d be on track.
I think it could be a few things but honestly I’m not sure they are thinking. It feels like they are processing. I think I was lucky before because there was a staff member named Mira and she knew me, so it felt a bit more personal. That, and she was so on top of everything for her ‘stuff’ and kind of kept an eye on things. I saw her at the office not long ago I think she had been on an absence/leave for a long while...but haven’t seen her since.
In general there have been bumps with all of my processes, but it just feels frustrating to say the least.
Also, more hormones equals a much shorter threshold for frustration.
Two more weeks of this I think. Will see what they say on Monday. I’m trying to figure out my plan for transfer since they said you need to take it easy for 3 days—I only have that info because I proactively asked them what I need to plan for. Three days easy with a 4 and 6 year old doesn’t happen. Old nanny just told me her daughter has prom that weekend. I’ve been tying to ask my sister to come down and hadn’t heard from her—again. Just talked to her today and she was sobbing because last night to this morning her basement flooded from the pump not able to keep up with melting snow. And she had a lot of stuff down there. She only has one real friend there so at least her and her boys were going to my sisters to help. I tried calling back twice today and no answer. I feel bad for her. I told her not to listen to the earlier voicemail where I got frustrated she wasn’t calling me back. Oops.
Spring break has honestly been pretty good other than not feeling that great. We’ve been busy with biking, parks, driveway frisbee and basketball, watching a ton of basketball, cooking good meals (mama made pork chops tonight), doing lots of laundry and dishes, going to a few grocery stores, getting my daughter a lamp—she’s been asking to have one for a long time....what else? What I do know is that I feel physically tired and accomplished at end of these days. I don’t miss work.
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Spring Break
Spring Break is here and I’m excited. Nanny normally takes off the whole week but I asked her this year to break it up a bit since I’m not sure what my plan is yet for work/break/small leave, etc. so she worked this mon and Tuesday and is off wed-sat.
I haven’t planned anything major except since I am off work I really just want to unplug. I think I generally do a pretty good job of it. When I come home (or lately just out of my bedroom since I've been working from home) at 5:30 it's computer off, phone down for the next at least 3 hours so I am solely focused on the kids. The only time I even check the phone is if it's ringing. Then after the littles are sound asleep I may surf the net or watch shows, then bed. On the weekend, sometimes I just leave my phone home so it's not even a distraction....I have to admit though, having map directions at your fingertips is really helpful. But, I think it's good for the mind to just unplug. As I sit here and type on my laptop at bedtime. Think I need some more practice.
Total tangent because I was writing about spring break. I think we will just try and plan the days as they come....we already talked about swimming, library, bike riding, getting my son a haircut, maybe some shopping--to which my son said no way. I have to get geared up to be responsible for all the meals which I've mentioned is probably my least favorite domestic task. Mostly because I think I'm somewhat intimidated by it all....I have no practice cooking real meals or baking, etc.. I've lived off of eating out for lunch and eating left overs from what my nanny cooks for years now. Unfortunately not the most healthy approach. In any case, I'm looking forward to having some time just dedicated to us. I'm hopeful that we stay busy enough that they don't have time to argue--which has grown in frequency and volume lately.
Something I've learned about the time I'm completely off work and can be "just a mom" I really really enjoy how I feel at the end of the day. I feel like I'm well.....alive in a way. I'm not stuck behind a laptop all day, Im actually talking to people instead of instant messaging and writing email, I'm moving around all day with our activities....and by the end of the day I am physically tired. And it feels really good. Like aaaaahhh.....feels good to just sit and be. It reminds me of what my neighbor who is a lot older says....motion is lotion for the joints. And it's true....
Ive been considering again taking the leap of being a stay at home mom. However, I think what worries me the most is feeling lonely. I don't have that 'tribe' you always read about and I'm somewhat introverted. The other thing is not having another adult around that I know will come everyday to provide support. I've stewed about all of this for the last few years, really.....I think sometimes you just have to leap and try. Not sure I'm ready yet but I'm feeling closer to it. I think my plan is to work for next few months, look around at other opportunities and see if anything sounds great. Of course, the big 'what if' is whether this baby plan works or doesn't. I somewhat think that if it does work, I will want to work for the next few more years, I'm not sure.
It seems a bit overwhelming and daunting, though, thinking about doing something different than being a career woman--which I've done over the last 17 years. It takes mucho guts, cahones, and belief in yourself to be all in to do something completely different. And, being okay with fear and just doing it anyway. That is something I have done in the past and my calculated risks have seemed to turn out allright;) I have two awesome kids as a result.
Im also thinking again about where I want to raise kids......this one I just don't have an answer for. I like where we live, however, it is a massive city and not what I imagined for raising a family. I think about the Midwest, then stop thinking, then try it on again, then look at real estate, etc..and I think I have to just see. I remember telling myself several months ago when spinning all this around that I shouldn't change too much at one time. I still think that's the case and the smartest approach. I don't like the fact that things feel 'up in the air', but they certainly are....with a baby plan, a new work plan, maybe a life change plan of leaving corporate America, a maybe move plan......you know with both pregnancies I moved while pregnant. I don't recommend it, but who knows....maybe third times a charm and Ill do it again.
I have to say, there's something exciting about what could be?? I think I've moved houses/apartments every 3-4 years for my whole career....sometimes more than that. I actually like the idea of changing things up and trying the new. Of course, I do want to put down roots for my family, but until I know where my heart leads on that.....maybe we just need to try some more? Why not move to the Midwest and try it? It's not a one way ticket and we can always come back here.
I'm also thinking about leaving my current company and that feels like a big weight being lifted off of me. I almost left a year and a half ago because my gut was having trouble accepting that I was going to take the new job in a different part of the company. And I have to say, in hindsight, it was not a great experience. The woman I worked for was not great, the environment wasn't great, the work was not great, the culture was not great.....I firmly believe intuition is there for a reason. I've known that for awhile, so to actually think about stepping away from that...should I stay or should I go....just sounds....freeing. Like I can just shake that off.....leave it behind.....and be just.....yes, free.
A fresh start to something else.....only time will tell. I think all will be sorted in the next 3 months or so.
Also, what else should be done is construction house!! We are in the last stretches of finishing this beast. And what a beast it's been. I started it June of last year and will probably have it up to rent in April. 10 months. And don't even ask about budget and all the money I've had to pay for carrying costs. What I am sincerely thankful for, though, is I could still sell it tomorrow and break even. Not what I had in mind, that's for sure, but many lessons learned. One of those has to do w/ the cabinet guy. I've never really worked with someone who was so condescending on a regular basis. I really don't know if it had to do with me being a woman, or changing my mind often, or what....but this guy was a real assh*&le. Every time I spoke to him he would sigh, get really tight in his voice, tell me I need to realize he's got other jobs, kept saying ' that's not what we agreed to'....even if it was. He also tried to get me to pay him in full even when he wasn't finished (umm, gimme a break). Just a whole load of crap. I even had to pay my contractor $1500 to fix his shitty cabinets on top of what I paid him. Anyway, rather than just 'let it go' or get into a verbal confrontation with him, I sent him this text after I was ready for his last check..."Check at house mailbox. I should have deducted for what I had to pay Jacob to fix or finish how it should have been done. But, I'd rather just cut my losses. A bit of advice--I sure hope you don't interact with others the same way I've seen over the last many months. Changes get made, things aren't always linear. But, how you react, treat, and speak to people can go a long way when working through issues. Suggest thinking through that going forward".
Take that.
Well, I'm off to go take some more shots and medicine. It ramps up tomorrow too by adding patches. I currently take est.race 2 X a day, dexa.methasone, baby aspirin, and lup.ron. Tomorrow is the patches and adding a 3rd est.race a day. I have noticed since adding in the est.race I am a bit more irritable with a shorter fuse. I'm a little quicker to get frustrated w/ kids so I need to really work on that over the next several days. I need to give myself a time out maybe!
What's kind of exciting is a have a transfer date. End of March. Woah Nellie.
I haven’t planned anything major except since I am off work I really just want to unplug. I think I generally do a pretty good job of it. When I come home (or lately just out of my bedroom since I've been working from home) at 5:30 it's computer off, phone down for the next at least 3 hours so I am solely focused on the kids. The only time I even check the phone is if it's ringing. Then after the littles are sound asleep I may surf the net or watch shows, then bed. On the weekend, sometimes I just leave my phone home so it's not even a distraction....I have to admit though, having map directions at your fingertips is really helpful. But, I think it's good for the mind to just unplug. As I sit here and type on my laptop at bedtime. Think I need some more practice.
Total tangent because I was writing about spring break. I think we will just try and plan the days as they come....we already talked about swimming, library, bike riding, getting my son a haircut, maybe some shopping--to which my son said no way. I have to get geared up to be responsible for all the meals which I've mentioned is probably my least favorite domestic task. Mostly because I think I'm somewhat intimidated by it all....I have no practice cooking real meals or baking, etc.. I've lived off of eating out for lunch and eating left overs from what my nanny cooks for years now. Unfortunately not the most healthy approach. In any case, I'm looking forward to having some time just dedicated to us. I'm hopeful that we stay busy enough that they don't have time to argue--which has grown in frequency and volume lately.
Something I've learned about the time I'm completely off work and can be "just a mom" I really really enjoy how I feel at the end of the day. I feel like I'm well.....alive in a way. I'm not stuck behind a laptop all day, Im actually talking to people instead of instant messaging and writing email, I'm moving around all day with our activities....and by the end of the day I am physically tired. And it feels really good. Like aaaaahhh.....feels good to just sit and be. It reminds me of what my neighbor who is a lot older says....motion is lotion for the joints. And it's true....
Ive been considering again taking the leap of being a stay at home mom. However, I think what worries me the most is feeling lonely. I don't have that 'tribe' you always read about and I'm somewhat introverted. The other thing is not having another adult around that I know will come everyday to provide support. I've stewed about all of this for the last few years, really.....I think sometimes you just have to leap and try. Not sure I'm ready yet but I'm feeling closer to it. I think my plan is to work for next few months, look around at other opportunities and see if anything sounds great. Of course, the big 'what if' is whether this baby plan works or doesn't. I somewhat think that if it does work, I will want to work for the next few more years, I'm not sure.
It seems a bit overwhelming and daunting, though, thinking about doing something different than being a career woman--which I've done over the last 17 years. It takes mucho guts, cahones, and belief in yourself to be all in to do something completely different. And, being okay with fear and just doing it anyway. That is something I have done in the past and my calculated risks have seemed to turn out allright;) I have two awesome kids as a result.
Im also thinking again about where I want to raise kids......this one I just don't have an answer for. I like where we live, however, it is a massive city and not what I imagined for raising a family. I think about the Midwest, then stop thinking, then try it on again, then look at real estate, etc..and I think I have to just see. I remember telling myself several months ago when spinning all this around that I shouldn't change too much at one time. I still think that's the case and the smartest approach. I don't like the fact that things feel 'up in the air', but they certainly are....with a baby plan, a new work plan, maybe a life change plan of leaving corporate America, a maybe move plan......you know with both pregnancies I moved while pregnant. I don't recommend it, but who knows....maybe third times a charm and Ill do it again.
I have to say, there's something exciting about what could be?? I think I've moved houses/apartments every 3-4 years for my whole career....sometimes more than that. I actually like the idea of changing things up and trying the new. Of course, I do want to put down roots for my family, but until I know where my heart leads on that.....maybe we just need to try some more? Why not move to the Midwest and try it? It's not a one way ticket and we can always come back here.
I'm also thinking about leaving my current company and that feels like a big weight being lifted off of me. I almost left a year and a half ago because my gut was having trouble accepting that I was going to take the new job in a different part of the company. And I have to say, in hindsight, it was not a great experience. The woman I worked for was not great, the environment wasn't great, the work was not great, the culture was not great.....I firmly believe intuition is there for a reason. I've known that for awhile, so to actually think about stepping away from that...should I stay or should I go....just sounds....freeing. Like I can just shake that off.....leave it behind.....and be just.....yes, free.
A fresh start to something else.....only time will tell. I think all will be sorted in the next 3 months or so.
Also, what else should be done is construction house!! We are in the last stretches of finishing this beast. And what a beast it's been. I started it June of last year and will probably have it up to rent in April. 10 months. And don't even ask about budget and all the money I've had to pay for carrying costs. What I am sincerely thankful for, though, is I could still sell it tomorrow and break even. Not what I had in mind, that's for sure, but many lessons learned. One of those has to do w/ the cabinet guy. I've never really worked with someone who was so condescending on a regular basis. I really don't know if it had to do with me being a woman, or changing my mind often, or what....but this guy was a real assh*&le. Every time I spoke to him he would sigh, get really tight in his voice, tell me I need to realize he's got other jobs, kept saying ' that's not what we agreed to'....even if it was. He also tried to get me to pay him in full even when he wasn't finished (umm, gimme a break). Just a whole load of crap. I even had to pay my contractor $1500 to fix his shitty cabinets on top of what I paid him. Anyway, rather than just 'let it go' or get into a verbal confrontation with him, I sent him this text after I was ready for his last check..."Check at house mailbox. I should have deducted for what I had to pay Jacob to fix or finish how it should have been done. But, I'd rather just cut my losses. A bit of advice--I sure hope you don't interact with others the same way I've seen over the last many months. Changes get made, things aren't always linear. But, how you react, treat, and speak to people can go a long way when working through issues. Suggest thinking through that going forward".
Take that.
Well, I'm off to go take some more shots and medicine. It ramps up tomorrow too by adding patches. I currently take est.race 2 X a day, dexa.methasone, baby aspirin, and lup.ron. Tomorrow is the patches and adding a 3rd est.race a day. I have noticed since adding in the est.race I am a bit more irritable with a shorter fuse. I'm a little quicker to get frustrated w/ kids so I need to really work on that over the next several days. I need to give myself a time out maybe!
What's kind of exciting is a have a transfer date. End of March. Woah Nellie.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Waffles
It’s been an interesting week or so. I’ll admit that one day I said to myself this is too much I need to just wait or maybe stop. I’m not sure what brought it on other than going to soccer and watching a mom chase after a toddler the entire time we were there. I remember how exhausting that was. But I also had a newborn and a toddler. That was crazy time for me. So hard. I’d like to think if I progress this and all works out maybe this one would be the ‘laidback, sleeps through whole night at 6 weeks old, no colic, happiest baby on the block baby. Hah.
I think after feeling so sure it’s been tough to sort through the times when I’m thinking what the heck. The thing I keep coming back to is I feel like if I don’t try I will wonder about what ‘might’ve been’ the rest of my life and I just don’t want that.
So....I’m pushing forward. I’ve taken many nightly lupron shots now and other than hoping to not forget and them stinging a bit, they’ve been no problem. Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound and she said everything looks really good. I also had lab work with measuring my E2 and progesterone, which measured a bit high, so they want me to just continue Lupron until the number drops much less than 100. I looked at the test result and mine was high 90’s. They also did a few cultures to make sure I don’t have any active infections. I’m actually already taking an antibiotic because Friday I was able to talk to the DR and tell him how not well I’d been feeling since the hscope. Just achy, mild feverish, generally feeling unwell. He wasn’t sure but if something going on in uterus or Uti he wanted to treat.
Today I’m feeling okay, I’d say. Busy weekend as old nanny was in town.
Something kind of odd is that when I had the baseline appointment I kind of wanted to do it just by myself. Not sure why, like for some reason I wanted no distractions, just me. It’s odd because I was just saying a bit ago that it felt lonely going to the hscope by myself.
Maybe it’s the hormones talking and I just don’t know what I want!
Another crazy last week is that I interviewed for a job outside my company. It all happened fast as I had talked to the recruiter the week before and initially said no because the job is 40+miles from my house. But thought twice over the weekend about not even trying to see what I thought so reached back out to recruiter on Tuesday and he asked if I could interview Thursday, so I did.
I was pretty underwhelmed with them as they are really far behind what I would consider modern Human Resources. I’d actually still be open if I thought the leader was looking to change or transform the function. But, ummm, no. Planning to retire in a few years.
I was intially going to send a note saying thanks but no thanks, then reconsidered that and decided just to stay quiet and see what they have to say.
I’m glad I went at the very least because when I put on my suit jacket, fixed my hair, and actually put on some makeup I felt really good about myself. Also just practicing interviewing is always helpful. It got me thinking about focusing on my career for a bit longer, which I think is positive as well.
Will see....
I think after feeling so sure it’s been tough to sort through the times when I’m thinking what the heck. The thing I keep coming back to is I feel like if I don’t try I will wonder about what ‘might’ve been’ the rest of my life and I just don’t want that.
So....I’m pushing forward. I’ve taken many nightly lupron shots now and other than hoping to not forget and them stinging a bit, they’ve been no problem. Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound and she said everything looks really good. I also had lab work with measuring my E2 and progesterone, which measured a bit high, so they want me to just continue Lupron until the number drops much less than 100. I looked at the test result and mine was high 90’s. They also did a few cultures to make sure I don’t have any active infections. I’m actually already taking an antibiotic because Friday I was able to talk to the DR and tell him how not well I’d been feeling since the hscope. Just achy, mild feverish, generally feeling unwell. He wasn’t sure but if something going on in uterus or Uti he wanted to treat.
Today I’m feeling okay, I’d say. Busy weekend as old nanny was in town.
Something kind of odd is that when I had the baseline appointment I kind of wanted to do it just by myself. Not sure why, like for some reason I wanted no distractions, just me. It’s odd because I was just saying a bit ago that it felt lonely going to the hscope by myself.
Maybe it’s the hormones talking and I just don’t know what I want!
Another crazy last week is that I interviewed for a job outside my company. It all happened fast as I had talked to the recruiter the week before and initially said no because the job is 40+miles from my house. But thought twice over the weekend about not even trying to see what I thought so reached back out to recruiter on Tuesday and he asked if I could interview Thursday, so I did.
I was pretty underwhelmed with them as they are really far behind what I would consider modern Human Resources. I’d actually still be open if I thought the leader was looking to change or transform the function. But, ummm, no. Planning to retire in a few years.
I was intially going to send a note saying thanks but no thanks, then reconsidered that and decided just to stay quiet and see what they have to say.
I’m glad I went at the very least because when I put on my suit jacket, fixed my hair, and actually put on some makeup I felt really good about myself. Also just practicing interviewing is always helpful. It got me thinking about focusing on my career for a bit longer, which I think is positive as well.
Will see....
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Step Two....Check.
Well folks....I did it. I injected my first dose of Lu.pron 10 units about a half an hour ago. It kind of snuck up pretty fast since I just had my hscope a little bit ago. The recovery from the scope was not at all like I remembered. I'm pretty sure in the past I went in, out, back good to go the next day. Not like that at all this time. I think my last post was right after the procedure and the Dr. said I should quickly just go back to my usual. I'm not sure if I maybe caught something, but I actually felt a slight bit nauseous, borderline fever, and discomfort in one spot of my uterus for about a week. In addition, I also had a lot of pressure-ish? feeling/bloated/uncomfortable. It wasn't until yesterday I actually said, hmmm, I kinda feel better. When the nurse called a day after procedure I told her how I felt and she said all that is normal, it will get better.
Over the past few weeks, well month actually, I've been trying to imagine how our household would be with another little one in it. How our routine would change, and what would it be like? Logistics like where would a new baby sleep since our spare bedroom is a toyroom (much needed toy room). Sitting at soccer today I was watching a group that had a baby and I imagined myself with a baby on my lap, one waiting their turn to the left of me, and watching one play. And I could see it......and yet, I'm also envisioning this will take some serious coordination. Things are going to be louder, crazier! I feel quite confident when I've had some rest and some energy back. But after the week I just had....it's much less so. I think this is all to be expected. I'm back on the highs/lows/and everywhere in between. I am putting as much thought and heart into this as I can and still say that if I feel it is not right at some point, I can always back out. Considering I took the shot tonight, guess that's not today.
There's been a bit of some miscommunication between the Dr. and his staff about the start of this process. He had been saying that because we couldn't use birth control for me due to the blood clot I had in 2012 at the start of my first pregnancy, they would start me on Lup.ron and do all the baselines at the same time. The staff has said to start med and once I start a cycle to let them know and then they will do the baselines. I wasn't comfortable that I was hearing two things so I scheduled a meeting with the Dr. a few weeks ago to line it out and he said baseline with start of rx. I told that to the staff and they said no, that's not the case. I ended up emailing a response to the staff and asking them to just send the trail to the Dr. because I wanted this cleared up before I started anything. I appreciate that the Dr. called me in person last night to go over what was supposed to happen. In essence he said what he did before, but when I told him his office said no baselines yet, he kind of waffled a bit and said baselines can be done at either time. Sheesh. So after all that, I will follow what the staff has recommended and wait.
What's different this go round is that I am very confident about advocating for myself i.e. I had no issue pushing back and saying hang on, we need to get this right. I have a long history with this office as I've been going there since 2006. Also, I'd say I'm not as wound up about the issue. It is annoying yes, because honestly why can't they make sure they are saying the same thing considering how often they do this...but I'm over it. I got an answer and I'm moving on.
Yesterday I went to the pharmacy and walked out with two huge bags of prescriptions. I knew it was a long sheet I turned in, but when you get that many it does feel a bit...much. Even the tech was like, 'you know you have 11 rx's right?'. I said yup, that's right. God bless insurance, that's about all I can say. Even though my insurance doesn't cover any of the transfer costs (office will charge approx. 3k), it has picked up all of the other procedures and the medication. I can't really believe it. So far, I've only paid out of pocket $325 for hscope, I will owe for the anesthesia, but all of the medication yesterday was only $95, the Lup $5. I was told with out insurance the injectable progesterone would be $46 per bottle and it's six for each fill. Each visit with the Dr. is $30, and I had a $50 initial consult fee. I haven't added it all up, but it's much less than what I was expecting. I am so so thankful.
Another good bit of news is that I had a bunch of labs run a few weeks ago and they all look really good. My fasting blood sugar was in normal range of 85, which it should be less than 100. My fasting has been higher so I was glad to see that. My total cholesterol is a bit high (this is not new), however the Dr. has said that is quite common for those w/ pc.os. I need to focus on eating a lower carb diet.
I actually was going to do a two week cleanse they had in their office just to 'reset' my body. I didn't start it last week, was going to this week....then I read the instructions and it said do not do if taking injections for treatment. Doh. Guess that will sit on my shelf for awhile.
Quick update on construction house.....we are finally getting closer to finishing. Considering this project started June of last year....oh my heck. Instead of it taking 5-6 months, it will take 10. I've been working with a designer and he's been fantastic. I'm not the best at making decisions and when I do I second guess. He's really been able to get me to commit, feel good about it, and we move on. He's discovered my taste--very traditional, classic, and clean. That could be a post all on it's own about what I've learned through this process, but the biggest lesson: PLAN. Plan some more....then execute. The rework cost a lot of time and money. I have to say, though, I am really proud of how it is turning out and it is going to look amazing. I have cabinets again--remember we had to take them all out to pull up the crappy floor--and they've been in the garage for a few months. Well, they are back up and it's starting to take shape. We ordered lighting/hardware/painting is happening. I'll post some pics eventually but I need to get this thing on the market to rent. I am not sure how that's going to pan out, the market has been lighter for renting....but the timing is at least good. I also settled w/ the tile guy who was trying to sue me. After all the back and forth we had settled on 2k. However, he wanted a legal release from me and I said no. Then, I said ok, but I'll settle at 1k for it and he took it. Awesome......ironic that that is the amount I told him I owed him in the first place and said I would pay him 4 months ago. Big sigh on that one. It has felt like such a waste of my time and energy.
The only other thing that's cropped up recently is a few things regarding nanny. She's been with us since my son was not even a year and he's 4 now. Overall I think she's been a great fit for our family and funny enough I raved about her in my last post. Well......there's an issue that I thought we had handled but it came up again. She's been going through a lot recently, I'll give her that. She got evicted from her apartment that she lived in for 12 years due to her dad (long story), she is separated from her husband now, and her daughter is a teenager going through some crazy. However.......
Last summer my son kept mentioning a 'friend' that they would see all the time. Some guy friend. I asked nanny who it was and she said it was a friend of hers, he's really nice yadda yadda....but it was happening much more frequently. I finally told her that I wasn't comfortable with my son being around an adult male that I don't know and I thought that was the end of the story. Well, just the other day my son mentioned this 'friend' again. I was very surprised to hear that, but I didn't say anything. Then just yesterday at night my son said they ate lunch with this 'friend' again--twice in one week. I texted her last night to ask if it was true and she gave a story about how he's one of her few friends, needed his help etc..So the short answer, yes.
That may be true but why did I find this out from my son? The thing is, I have bent over backwards over the last few months trying to help her through this tough time. I gave her extra in her paycheck to help with the move, offered to physically move boxes, gave her time off no questions asked to take her daughter for some evaluations, etc.. I think this bothers me so much because a) we've already discussed this and she knew what I said b) she wasn't the one who told me and c) it feels like she's taking advantage of the leeway I've given her. I don't ask her to account for her time during when both kids are in school. Since I've been working from home often I know she usually comes back and cleans, etc.. but these past few weeks she's not come back during that time and she's not been grocery shopping. I finally called her and texted her the other day to ask her where she was and she didn't respond. An hour later she texted she was at the store. That didn't sit well with me so I asked her in person where all she went and she admitted she had to run several errands for her new apartment, etc..
So yes, I fully understand she's going through a majorly rough time.....I have sympathy for her. However, I don't think it's too much for her to comply with my wishes about not having my son around someone I don't approve of. This is her job and I think I need to just sit down w/ her face to face and be crystal clear on my expectations. Then, we'll have to see. I of course, do not want this to go south, but I also need to know I can trust she does what I've asked of her.
Okay, I think that's enough for now....overall I think I am doing....ok. A range of emotions, recovery from procedure not as good as I would have liked. For the last few months I've been envisioning what our lives might be like, how does that make me feel, really just trying to stay in tune to my head and heart. One step at a time, I think, is the best approach right now.
Over the past few weeks, well month actually, I've been trying to imagine how our household would be with another little one in it. How our routine would change, and what would it be like? Logistics like where would a new baby sleep since our spare bedroom is a toyroom (much needed toy room). Sitting at soccer today I was watching a group that had a baby and I imagined myself with a baby on my lap, one waiting their turn to the left of me, and watching one play. And I could see it......and yet, I'm also envisioning this will take some serious coordination. Things are going to be louder, crazier! I feel quite confident when I've had some rest and some energy back. But after the week I just had....it's much less so. I think this is all to be expected. I'm back on the highs/lows/and everywhere in between. I am putting as much thought and heart into this as I can and still say that if I feel it is not right at some point, I can always back out. Considering I took the shot tonight, guess that's not today.
There's been a bit of some miscommunication between the Dr. and his staff about the start of this process. He had been saying that because we couldn't use birth control for me due to the blood clot I had in 2012 at the start of my first pregnancy, they would start me on Lup.ron and do all the baselines at the same time. The staff has said to start med and once I start a cycle to let them know and then they will do the baselines. I wasn't comfortable that I was hearing two things so I scheduled a meeting with the Dr. a few weeks ago to line it out and he said baseline with start of rx. I told that to the staff and they said no, that's not the case. I ended up emailing a response to the staff and asking them to just send the trail to the Dr. because I wanted this cleared up before I started anything. I appreciate that the Dr. called me in person last night to go over what was supposed to happen. In essence he said what he did before, but when I told him his office said no baselines yet, he kind of waffled a bit and said baselines can be done at either time. Sheesh. So after all that, I will follow what the staff has recommended and wait.
What's different this go round is that I am very confident about advocating for myself i.e. I had no issue pushing back and saying hang on, we need to get this right. I have a long history with this office as I've been going there since 2006. Also, I'd say I'm not as wound up about the issue. It is annoying yes, because honestly why can't they make sure they are saying the same thing considering how often they do this...but I'm over it. I got an answer and I'm moving on.
Yesterday I went to the pharmacy and walked out with two huge bags of prescriptions. I knew it was a long sheet I turned in, but when you get that many it does feel a bit...much. Even the tech was like, 'you know you have 11 rx's right?'. I said yup, that's right. God bless insurance, that's about all I can say. Even though my insurance doesn't cover any of the transfer costs (office will charge approx. 3k), it has picked up all of the other procedures and the medication. I can't really believe it. So far, I've only paid out of pocket $325 for hscope, I will owe for the anesthesia, but all of the medication yesterday was only $95, the Lup $5. I was told with out insurance the injectable progesterone would be $46 per bottle and it's six for each fill. Each visit with the Dr. is $30, and I had a $50 initial consult fee. I haven't added it all up, but it's much less than what I was expecting. I am so so thankful.
Another good bit of news is that I had a bunch of labs run a few weeks ago and they all look really good. My fasting blood sugar was in normal range of 85, which it should be less than 100. My fasting has been higher so I was glad to see that. My total cholesterol is a bit high (this is not new), however the Dr. has said that is quite common for those w/ pc.os. I need to focus on eating a lower carb diet.
I actually was going to do a two week cleanse they had in their office just to 'reset' my body. I didn't start it last week, was going to this week....then I read the instructions and it said do not do if taking injections for treatment. Doh. Guess that will sit on my shelf for awhile.
Quick update on construction house.....we are finally getting closer to finishing. Considering this project started June of last year....oh my heck. Instead of it taking 5-6 months, it will take 10. I've been working with a designer and he's been fantastic. I'm not the best at making decisions and when I do I second guess. He's really been able to get me to commit, feel good about it, and we move on. He's discovered my taste--very traditional, classic, and clean. That could be a post all on it's own about what I've learned through this process, but the biggest lesson: PLAN. Plan some more....then execute. The rework cost a lot of time and money. I have to say, though, I am really proud of how it is turning out and it is going to look amazing. I have cabinets again--remember we had to take them all out to pull up the crappy floor--and they've been in the garage for a few months. Well, they are back up and it's starting to take shape. We ordered lighting/hardware/painting is happening. I'll post some pics eventually but I need to get this thing on the market to rent. I am not sure how that's going to pan out, the market has been lighter for renting....but the timing is at least good. I also settled w/ the tile guy who was trying to sue me. After all the back and forth we had settled on 2k. However, he wanted a legal release from me and I said no. Then, I said ok, but I'll settle at 1k for it and he took it. Awesome......ironic that that is the amount I told him I owed him in the first place and said I would pay him 4 months ago. Big sigh on that one. It has felt like such a waste of my time and energy.
The only other thing that's cropped up recently is a few things regarding nanny. She's been with us since my son was not even a year and he's 4 now. Overall I think she's been a great fit for our family and funny enough I raved about her in my last post. Well......there's an issue that I thought we had handled but it came up again. She's been going through a lot recently, I'll give her that. She got evicted from her apartment that she lived in for 12 years due to her dad (long story), she is separated from her husband now, and her daughter is a teenager going through some crazy. However.......
Last summer my son kept mentioning a 'friend' that they would see all the time. Some guy friend. I asked nanny who it was and she said it was a friend of hers, he's really nice yadda yadda....but it was happening much more frequently. I finally told her that I wasn't comfortable with my son being around an adult male that I don't know and I thought that was the end of the story. Well, just the other day my son mentioned this 'friend' again. I was very surprised to hear that, but I didn't say anything. Then just yesterday at night my son said they ate lunch with this 'friend' again--twice in one week. I texted her last night to ask if it was true and she gave a story about how he's one of her few friends, needed his help etc..So the short answer, yes.
That may be true but why did I find this out from my son? The thing is, I have bent over backwards over the last few months trying to help her through this tough time. I gave her extra in her paycheck to help with the move, offered to physically move boxes, gave her time off no questions asked to take her daughter for some evaluations, etc.. I think this bothers me so much because a) we've already discussed this and she knew what I said b) she wasn't the one who told me and c) it feels like she's taking advantage of the leeway I've given her. I don't ask her to account for her time during when both kids are in school. Since I've been working from home often I know she usually comes back and cleans, etc.. but these past few weeks she's not come back during that time and she's not been grocery shopping. I finally called her and texted her the other day to ask her where she was and she didn't respond. An hour later she texted she was at the store. That didn't sit well with me so I asked her in person where all she went and she admitted she had to run several errands for her new apartment, etc..
So yes, I fully understand she's going through a majorly rough time.....I have sympathy for her. However, I don't think it's too much for her to comply with my wishes about not having my son around someone I don't approve of. This is her job and I think I need to just sit down w/ her face to face and be crystal clear on my expectations. Then, we'll have to see. I of course, do not want this to go south, but I also need to know I can trust she does what I've asked of her.
Okay, I think that's enough for now....overall I think I am doing....ok. A range of emotions, recovery from procedure not as good as I would have liked. For the last few months I've been envisioning what our lives might be like, how does that make me feel, really just trying to stay in tune to my head and heart. One step at a time, I think, is the best approach right now.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Step One - Done
I’m sitting here, kids in bed, my son still talking himself to sleep, and not feeling all that well. Quite sore and twingey if that’s a word. My son earlier could tell I was laid out a bit so in order for me to play our game of shooting a stuffed baseball into a shopping cart he came over and “infused”me with energy by sticking his finger in my arm and making noises like he was filling me up. A for effort and I wish it could be as easy as that!
Today I had my hyster.oscopy, which was needed to check out my uterus, check for cysts etc. my appointment was at 10, but I was one of the last procedures so I planned on being there awhile. I had to have light sedation so could not drive. The one friend I would have asked had the flu, I didn’t want nanny to know exactly where I was going, so what did I do? Ub.er.
If that’s not enough to make you feel super single I don’t know what is. I honestly didn’t expect to feel any sort of lonely going into today because it really was just a small procedure, but I kinda did. Even after going down this road twice already there’s something about not having someone there to give your purse to, you know? Also-Especially when the nurse said I better have someone waiting or anesthesia would not move forward. Ah well.
Some good things about today were that I was excited, although physically very hungry and thirsty. I felt good heading over there but also because, maybe, I haven’t committed yet and still can change my mind. Also, because they were so behind I had over an hour to sit on the gurney completely unplugged—no phone, no internet, no tv. Just me, my thoughts, and the wall. This was good because I can’t remember the last time I was so not distracted with something.
I think that’s why meditation etc must be so good for people because my thoughts were all over the place and at some points I just felt anxious. I was listening to the nurse complain about her headache. I heard the girl in the curtain next to me say she was on 4 blood pressure and 4 diabetic medications. Wow.
If I rewind a bit when I was in the waiting room there were some moments when I was feeling a bit anxious also. A couple had come in with a little over one year old. He was very active, wanting to get down, crawling everywhere, noisy, dropping crumbs everywhere, wearing diapers of course. I sat there and thought—oh wow—am I really really ready for this again.
I also talked to my cousin with the five kids yesterday and that probably wasn’t good timing. She said her experience going from 2-3 was hard, and now with five she has zero time for herself. I asked her if she has a best mom friend and she kinda laughed ie no time for that either.
However, I’ve always wondered if going to three with a two parent house seems crazier to them because they just become outnumbered. I was outnumbered already at two. I’ve learned a lot about managing a duo. She was also super tired and I think a bit overwhelmed with all that she does. Let’s not forget all of those kids are in multiple sports so she said she spends most of her time running someone somewhere. She certainly didn’t discourage me from pursuing and said everyone has to make their own decisions—I totally agree. But I think her point was around if I was still needing that me time, it just gets much harder to do.
The other thing I had an AHA about: my aunt has watched all of her kids for the past 15 years. and while I was envious of that (not to mention all the money they saved), it never occurred to me that she/her husband also have to spend a lot of their time cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. And when I told her my nanny handles most of that for me she said that a nanny is better than having a husband! Keep the nanny! I think this just reinforced the grass isn’t always greener, and I’m so fortunate to have someone in our lives who takes such good care of us. Yes expensive but worth every penny to keep me sane and afford me a whole lot of quality time with my littles.
A bit of a tangent but as I said, my thoughts were all over the place today. After coming home and not feeling so well I thought to myself, ready for 5 months of nausea? Ready to force myself to keep it movin with two very active kids even when my body says slow down?
Thankfully I have the luxury of a bit more time to keep thinking. I wouldn’t start any medication for another few weeks so I’ll just keep thinking and processing through.
Today I had my hyster.oscopy, which was needed to check out my uterus, check for cysts etc. my appointment was at 10, but I was one of the last procedures so I planned on being there awhile. I had to have light sedation so could not drive. The one friend I would have asked had the flu, I didn’t want nanny to know exactly where I was going, so what did I do? Ub.er.
If that’s not enough to make you feel super single I don’t know what is. I honestly didn’t expect to feel any sort of lonely going into today because it really was just a small procedure, but I kinda did. Even after going down this road twice already there’s something about not having someone there to give your purse to, you know? Also-Especially when the nurse said I better have someone waiting or anesthesia would not move forward. Ah well.
Some good things about today were that I was excited, although physically very hungry and thirsty. I felt good heading over there but also because, maybe, I haven’t committed yet and still can change my mind. Also, because they were so behind I had over an hour to sit on the gurney completely unplugged—no phone, no internet, no tv. Just me, my thoughts, and the wall. This was good because I can’t remember the last time I was so not distracted with something.
I think that’s why meditation etc must be so good for people because my thoughts were all over the place and at some points I just felt anxious. I was listening to the nurse complain about her headache. I heard the girl in the curtain next to me say she was on 4 blood pressure and 4 diabetic medications. Wow.
If I rewind a bit when I was in the waiting room there were some moments when I was feeling a bit anxious also. A couple had come in with a little over one year old. He was very active, wanting to get down, crawling everywhere, noisy, dropping crumbs everywhere, wearing diapers of course. I sat there and thought—oh wow—am I really really ready for this again.
I also talked to my cousin with the five kids yesterday and that probably wasn’t good timing. She said her experience going from 2-3 was hard, and now with five she has zero time for herself. I asked her if she has a best mom friend and she kinda laughed ie no time for that either.
However, I’ve always wondered if going to three with a two parent house seems crazier to them because they just become outnumbered. I was outnumbered already at two. I’ve learned a lot about managing a duo. She was also super tired and I think a bit overwhelmed with all that she does. Let’s not forget all of those kids are in multiple sports so she said she spends most of her time running someone somewhere. She certainly didn’t discourage me from pursuing and said everyone has to make their own decisions—I totally agree. But I think her point was around if I was still needing that me time, it just gets much harder to do.
The other thing I had an AHA about: my aunt has watched all of her kids for the past 15 years. and while I was envious of that (not to mention all the money they saved), it never occurred to me that she/her husband also have to spend a lot of their time cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. And when I told her my nanny handles most of that for me she said that a nanny is better than having a husband! Keep the nanny! I think this just reinforced the grass isn’t always greener, and I’m so fortunate to have someone in our lives who takes such good care of us. Yes expensive but worth every penny to keep me sane and afford me a whole lot of quality time with my littles.
A bit of a tangent but as I said, my thoughts were all over the place today. After coming home and not feeling so well I thought to myself, ready for 5 months of nausea? Ready to force myself to keep it movin with two very active kids even when my body says slow down?
Thankfully I have the luxury of a bit more time to keep thinking. I wouldn’t start any medication for another few weeks so I’ll just keep thinking and processing through.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Secret Box
Can anyone guess what's in this box?...........It starts with a letter L.
Okay, I won't keep you guessing for long. Guess I'm feeling a bit cheeky tonight. It's Lupron. Most of those reading this blog will know exactly what that means. But in case you don't, I've decided to go for it. ( I think!). I'm going to see if my remaining embryos can make a baby.
This has been in the back of my mind for years. I've been thinking harder about this for the last year. And now, over the past 2 months the dial has turned. I've done about as much research as I can about everything I can think of.....being 44, adding a third child, adding a third child as a sing choice mom, community building, rates of success, complications due to age, being a bit overweight and pregnant, how age gaps affect children, am I too old, is it selfish, how will this impact my children, feelings of family not being 'done', ticking biological clock....etc. etc. and more etc.....
And you know....what it comes down to is this. It's my life. I will make the best choice for me and my children. I don't live with any regrets now and don't want to start. I'm feeling called/pulled to this, even though logically it may not make sense. I totally get that. Looking on the outside, someone might say what the crap, she's got two, healthy, beautiful children. One boy, one girl. What more could she want? They are just getting out of the infant/toddler stage and things are starting to get easier physically...why mess that up? Does she want to be a 50 year old with a first grader? Things were brutally hard last year and she's been sleep deprived for about 4 years....why start over? She hasn't had easy pregnancies, what if something happens?
Yes, of course I've thought through all of that. And yes, I worry about a lot of those things. I just can't explain it, though, other than, it feels like I should try. I don't want to leave those embryos behind and I don't want to do this any older. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if you think it's the right thing. One thing I want to be clear about is I'm not doing this because my children aren't 'enough' or I'm not fulfilled in some way. They absolutely are my heart...and for that reason, I'd be okay if I proceed and it doesn't work and it was not meant to be for our family. I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a mom. I had a goal, went after it, and do have an amazing family. I'm just following my heart and that's really what it boils down to. Also, who knows.....maybe there are others out there who have two and are on the fence? Don't know....but if you are, would love to hear about it! I've talked to a few friends and you know what I find interesting? Those who are also moms say go for it. The friends that have no children have been more cautious with their words.
Interesting, huh?
So, back in October after I had a bunch of labs run to see how things were looking I had also spoken to the coordinators to understand costs and the process. They basically just told me about cycle days, approximately timeline, medication etc.. and said to call when I was ready.
I ended up just going over to their office this past Monday because I assumed I would need some labs or something anyway. Turns out I did not yet, but was able to meet with the new IVF manager there who supports the Dr. since he is so busy. She is new from last time, and I really liked her. She is a year older than I am, interestingly enough. I wanted to know about if I moved forward, how would they assess embryos, etc and she said since I have 3 grade B day six.....sometimes when they thaw them, they lose cells so mostly likely they will thaw 2, see how they do, but likely would thaw the 3rd and implant what they can. And that would be that.
It would work, or it wouldn't.
I was also given a laundry list of medications from the coordinator that I would need from my local pharmacy. I almost forgot about all that you still have to do, even with a F...ET. I have to admit that when I took it all home and stared at it I got a bit overwhelmed like oh wow, am I really ready for this. It is a serious commitment to move forward. I put it all away and decided to look at it again on Tuesday. By then I was back ready to go.
So that's where the box comes in. I have insurance, but not insurance that covers fertility. So basic medication will be covered like estrace, progesterone, etc.. but what is not is the Lupron. The office recommended 2 pharmacies, one in the U.S. and one in Turkey of all places. I called both and the Turkey one was $275 including shipping and the U.S. one was $575. When talking to the U.S. one I asked if insurance was taken just to try it and guess what??! She clicked away and came back and said your new total is $5. FIVE BUCKS. Such a crazy nice surprise. I ordered it so fast before she could realize she maybe made a mistake or something. I figured in any case, better to have it and decide ultimately to change my mind, than to say no and have to figure it out later.
At the end of the day, I always reserve the right to change my mind. I've told myself that I should move forward as long as it seems right, and if not, then just stop.
I also forgot how much of a roller coaster of emotions this can be.
It's all coming back quickly, though.
I actually thought twice about putting all of this out here and just waiting to see what I ultimately chose to do...if it worked....if things moved positively, etc.. because this makes me feel vulnerable. Everyone these days has an opinion and aren't afraid to be ugly. I don't want ugly.
Also, if you know me in real life, please don't share this info. It is deeply personal.
However, I figured this is my blog and a place I've captured my life over the last 8 years....it has been a great way for me to process, think out loud, digest, reflect. With the bonus of others' comments along the way. It's been therapeutic in a way. Back in the old days.....we used paper for this kind of thing.
And finally....
I got this out of my girl's backpack tonight. A Leader is Nice and Kind......And she drew me!
What a fabulous way to end the day.
Okay, I won't keep you guessing for long. Guess I'm feeling a bit cheeky tonight. It's Lupron. Most of those reading this blog will know exactly what that means. But in case you don't, I've decided to go for it. ( I think!). I'm going to see if my remaining embryos can make a baby.
This has been in the back of my mind for years. I've been thinking harder about this for the last year. And now, over the past 2 months the dial has turned. I've done about as much research as I can about everything I can think of.....being 44, adding a third child, adding a third child as a sing choice mom, community building, rates of success, complications due to age, being a bit overweight and pregnant, how age gaps affect children, am I too old, is it selfish, how will this impact my children, feelings of family not being 'done', ticking biological clock....etc. etc. and more etc.....
And you know....what it comes down to is this. It's my life. I will make the best choice for me and my children. I don't live with any regrets now and don't want to start. I'm feeling called/pulled to this, even though logically it may not make sense. I totally get that. Looking on the outside, someone might say what the crap, she's got two, healthy, beautiful children. One boy, one girl. What more could she want? They are just getting out of the infant/toddler stage and things are starting to get easier physically...why mess that up? Does she want to be a 50 year old with a first grader? Things were brutally hard last year and she's been sleep deprived for about 4 years....why start over? She hasn't had easy pregnancies, what if something happens?
Yes, of course I've thought through all of that. And yes, I worry about a lot of those things. I just can't explain it, though, other than, it feels like I should try. I don't want to leave those embryos behind and I don't want to do this any older. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if you think it's the right thing. One thing I want to be clear about is I'm not doing this because my children aren't 'enough' or I'm not fulfilled in some way. They absolutely are my heart...and for that reason, I'd be okay if I proceed and it doesn't work and it was not meant to be for our family. I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a mom. I had a goal, went after it, and do have an amazing family. I'm just following my heart and that's really what it boils down to. Also, who knows.....maybe there are others out there who have two and are on the fence? Don't know....but if you are, would love to hear about it! I've talked to a few friends and you know what I find interesting? Those who are also moms say go for it. The friends that have no children have been more cautious with their words.
Interesting, huh?
So, back in October after I had a bunch of labs run to see how things were looking I had also spoken to the coordinators to understand costs and the process. They basically just told me about cycle days, approximately timeline, medication etc.. and said to call when I was ready.
I ended up just going over to their office this past Monday because I assumed I would need some labs or something anyway. Turns out I did not yet, but was able to meet with the new IVF manager there who supports the Dr. since he is so busy. She is new from last time, and I really liked her. She is a year older than I am, interestingly enough. I wanted to know about if I moved forward, how would they assess embryos, etc and she said since I have 3 grade B day six.....sometimes when they thaw them, they lose cells so mostly likely they will thaw 2, see how they do, but likely would thaw the 3rd and implant what they can. And that would be that.
It would work, or it wouldn't.
I was also given a laundry list of medications from the coordinator that I would need from my local pharmacy. I almost forgot about all that you still have to do, even with a F...ET. I have to admit that when I took it all home and stared at it I got a bit overwhelmed like oh wow, am I really ready for this. It is a serious commitment to move forward. I put it all away and decided to look at it again on Tuesday. By then I was back ready to go.
So that's where the box comes in. I have insurance, but not insurance that covers fertility. So basic medication will be covered like estrace, progesterone, etc.. but what is not is the Lupron. The office recommended 2 pharmacies, one in the U.S. and one in Turkey of all places. I called both and the Turkey one was $275 including shipping and the U.S. one was $575. When talking to the U.S. one I asked if insurance was taken just to try it and guess what??! She clicked away and came back and said your new total is $5. FIVE BUCKS. Such a crazy nice surprise. I ordered it so fast before she could realize she maybe made a mistake or something. I figured in any case, better to have it and decide ultimately to change my mind, than to say no and have to figure it out later.
At the end of the day, I always reserve the right to change my mind. I've told myself that I should move forward as long as it seems right, and if not, then just stop.
I also forgot how much of a roller coaster of emotions this can be.
It's all coming back quickly, though.
I actually thought twice about putting all of this out here and just waiting to see what I ultimately chose to do...if it worked....if things moved positively, etc.. because this makes me feel vulnerable. Everyone these days has an opinion and aren't afraid to be ugly. I don't want ugly.
Also, if you know me in real life, please don't share this info. It is deeply personal.
However, I figured this is my blog and a place I've captured my life over the last 8 years....it has been a great way for me to process, think out loud, digest, reflect. With the bonus of others' comments along the way. It's been therapeutic in a way. Back in the old days.....we used paper for this kind of thing.
And finally....
I got this out of my girl's backpack tonight. A Leader is Nice and Kind......And she drew me!
What a fabulous way to end the day.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Sarah
So this morning everyone got up around 6:35am. My son wakes up a happy camper most days and my girl....well, she doesn't really. It takes her some time. Anyway we all came out of my room to the living to watch our morning cartoons and as my two were walking out at the same time my girl quickly says, 'Let's play follow the leader'....my son says 'OK'....then as soon as he is behind her she runs to the rocking chair. And of course that's where he was headed. She's getting tricky, this one. I said she either needed to share or move to another chair, that of course brought about some fussing.
So, as she's getting up from where they are both sitting my son leans over and puts his head down on the armrest kind of hunched over and says, "I need to pray to Jesus".
I couldn't help but laugh out loud......he then looks at me and says, "Mommy I prayed that we have a good day". This kid can be hilarious.
We did in fact, have a good day.....something a bit miraculous. I finished up cleaning off the mantel this morning and cleaned off our tall counter in the kitchen last night. This sounds completely minor in the grand scheme of things but for me, it's pretty major. For so long I've been focused on so many other things that it just fell to the bottom of my priority list i.e. I really and truly haven't cared what's on the mantel. For example, we had our Christmas countdown calendar up there where it stayed from the year before. Now, our nanny from time to time goes through things, but in all honestly I haven't been too worried about what papers get piled up on those surfaces. So over the last few days I finally had the energy? will? motivation? to go through it all. Not really sure, but it felt so good. There is nothing better than a completely decluttered countertop.
I don't think that it's a coincidence that I have had TWO children sleeping through the night pretty much for about a month. A whole, glorious month. I'm not sure that's ever happened in 4 years. Seriously. For me, I think it's a sign that I'm coming back around. Hey, I may even get to the boxes that have been stacked against my wall for 3 years....hold on, maybe I should pace myself ;)
Something that is going on now that is not so great.....some issues at the preschool. My son has been talking about this boy Elijah since school started. He'd come home saying this boy was hitting the teacher, kicking someone, and even a few weeks ago said he spit at someone. The teacher has confirmed at least some of the stories, but of course she can't say much. So at Christmas party I mentioned this boy to his teacher and she was clearly frustrated too. She told me that I didn't hear it from her, but if I was concerned I should elevate it to the director.
So, a few weeks ago I said hey look, my son continues to share these stories, etc etc..and I'm concerned that it is affecting my son. She sent an email back saying she'd look into things and follow up. I got nada.
THEN, on Wednesday this past week as soon as nanny picked up my son nanny sent me a text saying that the boy had spit in my son's face during class. I was like hold up....what!....are you kidding me?! I was waiting for the emailed incident report to respond. I basically just said look, this kid's pattern of behavior is unacceptable. I highlighted a few weeks ago an issue, didn't hear anything back, and now my son was spit at. Something needs to be done and I will no longer allow my son to be around this child. So.....I didn't send my son on Thursday (so we all had a pajama day since my girl was exhausted and I let her stay home too) The director emailed back saying they'd discuss some things and I said just let me know when there was a plan. Haven't heard back so we'll see about Monday.
Look, I get that they have progressive discipline procedures, etc. but at the end of the day, I think repeated, nasty behavior should escalate things. And the thing is, I don't blame the child. Every event I've been to his parents don't show up and the poor kid is asking the teacher where his mom and dad are. Sigh. So sad.
Something else that is clearly not great.....when I was growing up around 4th grade I met a girl at school named Sarah. We became fast friends and her mother and my mother became besties as well. When I look back, I think her mom was definitely my mom's BMF--best mom friend. They had a lot in common and someone my mom could really trust. Fast forward a few years after meeting their family, they moved away to a neighboring town about 40 minutes away and shortly after that, Sarah's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She only lived a few years after diagnosis and died when Sarah was 14, I was 15. After they moved away and her mom passed, we lost touch over the years. Every now and then Sarah's sister would reach out, but that's been a long time as well now.
A few years back I stumbled on a blog Sarah was writing that she started when things were really difficult on her life.....her son had a lot of undiagnosed developmental problems for one, and also that she was diagnosed w/ breast cancer. Thankfully it was stage 0, caught extremely early, but she opted to have a double mastectomy. Given her maternal side of the family had a lot of cancer, she wrote that she figured she would get cancer at some point, but just wasn't sure when.
So after that, life continued, kids were growing, etc. and then I read last year's update....the cancer had come back, which is extremely rare. That was the point of the mastectomy, but she just happened to find a hard lump. Again. She's done surgery, radiation and chemo for the last year.
For some reason, this news hit very hard. Even though we don't stay in touch, my heart just ached for her.....she's a mother, wife, and 43. I remember back when I was going through random health issues and how fearful that made me, and to think about being diagnosed w/ something, twice. It also just made me think how much cancer freakin sucks. Took my mom. Her mom. And she's fighting it now.
Shake ups can make your perspective much clearer.
I'm thinking about my embryos. The thought won't go away, even with my attempts at distracting projects. I've seen the Dr., run some labs-which were great. I asked them about age and they said I was middle range. They have many patients mid-late 40's. Wow. I've been scouring the internet about how having 3 kids changes things. Turned over in my mind all the pros/cons.
Sometimes logic doesn't compete... It's a heart tug that some days screams pretty loud.
So, as she's getting up from where they are both sitting my son leans over and puts his head down on the armrest kind of hunched over and says, "I need to pray to Jesus".
I couldn't help but laugh out loud......he then looks at me and says, "Mommy I prayed that we have a good day". This kid can be hilarious.
We did in fact, have a good day.....something a bit miraculous. I finished up cleaning off the mantel this morning and cleaned off our tall counter in the kitchen last night. This sounds completely minor in the grand scheme of things but for me, it's pretty major. For so long I've been focused on so many other things that it just fell to the bottom of my priority list i.e. I really and truly haven't cared what's on the mantel. For example, we had our Christmas countdown calendar up there where it stayed from the year before. Now, our nanny from time to time goes through things, but in all honestly I haven't been too worried about what papers get piled up on those surfaces. So over the last few days I finally had the energy? will? motivation? to go through it all. Not really sure, but it felt so good. There is nothing better than a completely decluttered countertop.
I don't think that it's a coincidence that I have had TWO children sleeping through the night pretty much for about a month. A whole, glorious month. I'm not sure that's ever happened in 4 years. Seriously. For me, I think it's a sign that I'm coming back around. Hey, I may even get to the boxes that have been stacked against my wall for 3 years....hold on, maybe I should pace myself ;)
Something that is going on now that is not so great.....some issues at the preschool. My son has been talking about this boy Elijah since school started. He'd come home saying this boy was hitting the teacher, kicking someone, and even a few weeks ago said he spit at someone. The teacher has confirmed at least some of the stories, but of course she can't say much. So at Christmas party I mentioned this boy to his teacher and she was clearly frustrated too. She told me that I didn't hear it from her, but if I was concerned I should elevate it to the director.
So, a few weeks ago I said hey look, my son continues to share these stories, etc etc..and I'm concerned that it is affecting my son. She sent an email back saying she'd look into things and follow up. I got nada.
THEN, on Wednesday this past week as soon as nanny picked up my son nanny sent me a text saying that the boy had spit in my son's face during class. I was like hold up....what!....are you kidding me?! I was waiting for the emailed incident report to respond. I basically just said look, this kid's pattern of behavior is unacceptable. I highlighted a few weeks ago an issue, didn't hear anything back, and now my son was spit at. Something needs to be done and I will no longer allow my son to be around this child. So.....I didn't send my son on Thursday (so we all had a pajama day since my girl was exhausted and I let her stay home too) The director emailed back saying they'd discuss some things and I said just let me know when there was a plan. Haven't heard back so we'll see about Monday.
Look, I get that they have progressive discipline procedures, etc. but at the end of the day, I think repeated, nasty behavior should escalate things. And the thing is, I don't blame the child. Every event I've been to his parents don't show up and the poor kid is asking the teacher where his mom and dad are. Sigh. So sad.
Something else that is clearly not great.....when I was growing up around 4th grade I met a girl at school named Sarah. We became fast friends and her mother and my mother became besties as well. When I look back, I think her mom was definitely my mom's BMF--best mom friend. They had a lot in common and someone my mom could really trust. Fast forward a few years after meeting their family, they moved away to a neighboring town about 40 minutes away and shortly after that, Sarah's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She only lived a few years after diagnosis and died when Sarah was 14, I was 15. After they moved away and her mom passed, we lost touch over the years. Every now and then Sarah's sister would reach out, but that's been a long time as well now.
A few years back I stumbled on a blog Sarah was writing that she started when things were really difficult on her life.....her son had a lot of undiagnosed developmental problems for one, and also that she was diagnosed w/ breast cancer. Thankfully it was stage 0, caught extremely early, but she opted to have a double mastectomy. Given her maternal side of the family had a lot of cancer, she wrote that she figured she would get cancer at some point, but just wasn't sure when.
So after that, life continued, kids were growing, etc. and then I read last year's update....the cancer had come back, which is extremely rare. That was the point of the mastectomy, but she just happened to find a hard lump. Again. She's done surgery, radiation and chemo for the last year.
For some reason, this news hit very hard. Even though we don't stay in touch, my heart just ached for her.....she's a mother, wife, and 43. I remember back when I was going through random health issues and how fearful that made me, and to think about being diagnosed w/ something, twice. It also just made me think how much cancer freakin sucks. Took my mom. Her mom. And she's fighting it now.
Shake ups can make your perspective much clearer.
I'm thinking about my embryos. The thought won't go away, even with my attempts at distracting projects. I've seen the Dr., run some labs-which were great. I asked them about age and they said I was middle range. They have many patients mid-late 40's. Wow. I've been scouring the internet about how having 3 kids changes things. Turned over in my mind all the pros/cons.
Sometimes logic doesn't compete... It's a heart tug that some days screams pretty loud.
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