Okay, I won't keep you guessing for long. Guess I'm feeling a bit cheeky tonight. It's Lupron. Most of those reading this blog will know exactly what that means. But in case you don't, I've decided to go for it. ( I think!). I'm going to see if my remaining embryos can make a baby.
This has been in the back of my mind for years. I've been thinking harder about this for the last year. And now, over the past 2 months the dial has turned. I've done about as much research as I can about everything I can think of.....being 44, adding a third child, adding a third child as a sing choice mom, community building, rates of success, complications due to age, being a bit overweight and pregnant, how age gaps affect children, am I too old, is it selfish, how will this impact my children, feelings of family not being 'done', ticking biological clock....etc. etc. and more etc.....
And you know....what it comes down to is this. It's my life. I will make the best choice for me and my children. I don't live with any regrets now and don't want to start. I'm feeling called/pulled to this, even though logically it may not make sense. I totally get that. Looking on the outside, someone might say what the crap, she's got two, healthy, beautiful children. One boy, one girl. What more could she want? They are just getting out of the infant/toddler stage and things are starting to get easier physically...why mess that up? Does she want to be a 50 year old with a first grader? Things were brutally hard last year and she's been sleep deprived for about 4 years....why start over? She hasn't had easy pregnancies, what if something happens?
Yes, of course I've thought through all of that. And yes, I worry about a lot of those things. I just can't explain it, though, other than, it feels like I should try. I don't want to leave those embryos behind and I don't want to do this any older. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if you think it's the right thing. One thing I want to be clear about is I'm not doing this because my children aren't 'enough' or I'm not fulfilled in some way. They absolutely are my heart...and for that reason, I'd be okay if I proceed and it doesn't work and it was not meant to be for our family. I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a mom. I had a goal, went after it, and do have an amazing family. I'm just following my heart and that's really what it boils down to. Also, who knows.....maybe there are others out there who have two and are on the fence? Don't know....but if you are, would love to hear about it! I've talked to a few friends and you know what I find interesting? Those who are also moms say go for it. The friends that have no children have been more cautious with their words.
Interesting, huh?
So, back in October after I had a bunch of labs run to see how things were looking I had also spoken to the coordinators to understand costs and the process. They basically just told me about cycle days, approximately timeline, medication etc.. and said to call when I was ready.
I ended up just going over to their office this past Monday because I assumed I would need some labs or something anyway. Turns out I did not yet, but was able to meet with the new IVF manager there who supports the Dr. since he is so busy. She is new from last time, and I really liked her. She is a year older than I am, interestingly enough. I wanted to know about if I moved forward, how would they assess embryos, etc and she said since I have 3 grade B day six.....sometimes when they thaw them, they lose cells so mostly likely they will thaw 2, see how they do, but likely would thaw the 3rd and implant what they can. And that would be that.
It would work, or it wouldn't.
I was also given a laundry list of medications from the coordinator that I would need from my local pharmacy. I almost forgot about all that you still have to do, even with a F...ET. I have to admit that when I took it all home and stared at it I got a bit overwhelmed like oh wow, am I really ready for this. It is a serious commitment to move forward. I put it all away and decided to look at it again on Tuesday. By then I was back ready to go.
So that's where the box comes in. I have insurance, but not insurance that covers fertility. So basic medication will be covered like estrace, progesterone, etc.. but what is not is the Lupron. The office recommended 2 pharmacies, one in the U.S. and one in Turkey of all places. I called both and the Turkey one was $275 including shipping and the U.S. one was $575. When talking to the U.S. one I asked if insurance was taken just to try it and guess what??! She clicked away and came back and said your new total is $5. FIVE BUCKS. Such a crazy nice surprise. I ordered it so fast before she could realize she maybe made a mistake or something. I figured in any case, better to have it and decide ultimately to change my mind, than to say no and have to figure it out later.
At the end of the day, I always reserve the right to change my mind. I've told myself that I should move forward as long as it seems right, and if not, then just stop.
I also forgot how much of a roller coaster of emotions this can be.
It's all coming back quickly, though.
I actually thought twice about putting all of this out here and just waiting to see what I ultimately chose to do...if it worked....if things moved positively, etc.. because this makes me feel vulnerable. Everyone these days has an opinion and aren't afraid to be ugly. I don't want ugly.
Also, if you know me in real life, please don't share this info. It is deeply personal.
However, I figured this is my blog and a place I've captured my life over the last 8 years....it has been a great way for me to process, think out loud, digest, reflect. With the bonus of others' comments along the way. It's been therapeutic in a way. Back in the old days.....we used paper for this kind of thing.
And finally....
I got this out of my girl's backpack tonight. A Leader is Nice and Kind......And she drew me!
What a fabulous way to end the day.
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