Eyes are windows to the soul

Back during thanksgiving when we were flying I had kind of an odd thing happen.  In my right eye something felt like it ‘popped’ and then just plain hurt behind my eye on the lower right.  I figured I’d see if got better on its own, which did, then it kind of flared last week again. The internet can be a great, informative place and simultaneously scare the crap out of you for things that ‘might’ be wrong. So I got worried and finally made an appointment w/ an ophthalmologist. Well, it hasn't just been the eye symptoms but tingling in face consistently for a few weeks now.

I went to the appointment today and Great news: my eyeballs are perfect!! Most likely dry eye related issues. AND we talked about my long history of weirdness that hasn’t come up with anything. It was nice to talk to a dr who seemed interested in hearing whole story. He said since mris have been clear that was very good and talked through some conditions he didn’t think were the case--which made me feel better. He said it is very possible I sustained nerve trauma from the dental procedure back in dec 2014–since it was significant and the other symptoms came after that. I’ve continued to wonder about that too. He said he’s not sure of any testing to confirm that, though. I suppose at this point it gives me something else to reasearch. I do have a 6 month followup w neuro in feb so will see.

It just would be nice to know why. I’m living w the flarey weirdness just fine, but if there was something concrete then I would know if there was something I can do.

On to more fun subjects—we went for our first family bike ride this weekend!! My son on his tiny little bike, my girl on hers, then me. We have great paths in our neighborhood so off we went after tightening/raising seats, filling tires, and getting water bottles. I felt a little anxious not having full control (in the past I’d take them both in the bike trailer)....because we did have to go across a road, and because we did have to take shortcut through neighborhood road w no sidewalks. But I told them the rules ahead of time—stay to the right, single file, etc. My girl was the leader and she did pretty well. I put my son in middle, then me.

We went on Saturday and Sunday. It was pretty cool on Sunday because we made it back right before it started down pouring and my son said it was ‘so much fun’! What I loved about it is sharing with them something I’ve done my whole life, really—recreational biking. When I was little the first bike I remember I had was a banana seat ( it was light blue w clouds on the seat), then several ten-speeds after that, and finally the best bike purchase ever I made in college like in ‘96. I spent 350$ (A ton of money to me) on a Giant brand bike that I still ride to this day!! It has thousands of miles on it—it’s seen me through undergrad, grad school, starting my career, my mom living with me, finding myself after she passed, and two kids.

I have always found so much enjoyment at being able to just ‘go’...and back in the day you could do that in town without worry. I remember being 5-6 riding over to my friends’ houses, to the school, park, etc. maybe it was the freedom I loved. As I got older my favorite time to go riding was at dusk. Not the most safe, but with the sun-setting, cooling off.....a lot of good memories.

I just had a memory of riding to my best friend ambers house as a teenager. She lived about 5 miles out of town—14 years old, no helmet back then, on a two-lane highway..... off I’d go. Now, it was in a very small farming community in the Midwest, but still. Couldn’t imagine that today!!

Basically the point of my story is I’ve gone out on my bike for enjoyment as long as I can remember and now I get to do it with my kids!

Another first is: I said to another mom at the park, “I remember those days”. Since when are my kids old enough that we’ve past some stages! She was pushing her son in the swing who was two and holding a 7 month old baby strapped to her chest....and looked really weary. She said as hard as it is to get them out of the house, everyone feels better. Lady, I hear you. I totally remember thinking it was overwhelming to pack up a newborn and a toddler and all the stuff and all on limited sleep, but I did it anyway. We went to this one park back in city my son was born that had a tennis court and a little play area.I remember putting my son in the infant carrier and snap-go stroller and throwing pink tennis balls back and forth with my girl—her running and squealing after them.

It really is a big shift in parenting from newborn/toddler to 5 and 3. Back then many days were physically grueling because sleep deprivation was so high. Now that they are getting older it is certainly less physically demanding.

I thought that sleep issues were behind us but my son has something to say about that.

We are on a regression of sorts.

Back during the holidays my son was napping but then not falling asleep until 9, sometimes 930 and he normally went to bed at 8. So, I had the bright idea that maybe he’s ready to stop naps. After a week of no napping and him being completely miserable (thus the rest of us too)...I relented and said nap him. It was just too much crazy.

So he’s back to napping, which has definitely helped his demeanor, but he is now waking up in the middle of night often and coming to my room and/or getting up for the day at 5 something am. Oh heck no!! I’m not even sure what to do about it. Nanny mentioned he might be cold since we’ve had freezing weather and I turned heater to 68 and we normally have it around 71. That seemed to help, but it’s hit or miss.  I know this too shall pass but oh man does it take me back to newborn days. The other night he woke at 9, 10, 11, 1, and 3. I thought for sure he was getting sick because that sometimes happens...but no. Just ended up w mama feeling so so tired. FYI as I was trying to finish this post he just woke up calling for me at 11:10pm.

I did get to celebrate my birthday this year with two children singing the words to the song. I absolutely cried. They had gotten me a cake, decorated the table, and made me handmade cards. It honestly was one of the nicest birthdays I’ve had. I was so happy and just loved it!! My girl was SO excited about my birthday and couldn’t wait to celebrate. And couldn’t wait to taste the frosting!

Here we go....

I guess it was only a matter of time before sickness came back to our house. My son was just fine yesterday then towards evening he felt warm. By bed time he was burning up just that fast. Gave him some Mot.rin and he woke up at 9, 10, came in my room at 2 on fire again. Gave more med and he was awake until almost 4....just wanting hugs and to be next to me. Poor poor baby. He even said ‘mom, go dr now?’ At 230am.  He had his hands covering his ears so I was really worried about ear infection. After a lot of hassle w dr office and appt times was able to get him in at 1:30pm.
Positive for influenza a. CRAP!!!! My girl got the flu shot but he did not. This thing is scary. Even after a dose of Motrin at noon he still had a 103.4 fever in office. I’m SO thankful we took him in because dr ordered tam.i.flu and said the quicker it’s diagnosed the more likely it is to help. So we loaded up on popsicles, applesauce, meds, and spr.ite.
One thing good I learned is that I was under-dosing him for mot.rin. By the bottle shows 5ml and dr did some calc and he should actually get 8ml. That in and of itself should help.

I was so thankful nanny was with us because a)when you child is that sick it scares crap out of me (I cried in dr office just out of nowhere) b) she helps me remember things from visit because when I’m stressed I forget.

Timing is a bummer because I’m supposed to fly out of town tomorrow night until early Saturday. Our old nanny’s mom passed away and my girl used to call her Grammy. She was in a nursing home for a few years and just went downhill fast over last several weeks. Now of course when I told my girl I had to go visit Mimi (what my son calls old nanny) she wanted to know why. I didn’t lie to her and I told her Grammy died and there will be a funeral. Her little eyes got so big and she said , “what?!”....her reaction just made me cry. She then asked me why I was crying and I said it can be sad she then says, “you can have a piece of my candy”. This sweet sweet girl.
I most likely will still go but I’ll have to just play by ear tonight and tomorrow.

Thank you sunflower for your comment on my last post. It couldn’t have come at a better time because just as I was going to get to my blog tonight I was wondering if anyone still reads this. It’s nice to know someone does and interestingly enough, I read her blog too!! I love having the memories. I’m kinda glad Im not a huge blogger because I would think that would be a lot of pressure to keep up and be witty. Sometimes I try but honestly if I can capture what I want even if it’s a dry we did x, y, z it’s fine by me.

I actually think what would be cool is to network and meet like-minded moms. I had an interesting experience when I was at a lunch w work friends and some had kids some didn’t. I was just mentioning that mine were 3 and 5, but remember the newborn toddler phase being really hard. They all just stopped and kind of looked at me. It’s was kind of awkward because I just expected some others to jump in and say yes, I know..me too. Ummm, nothing.
I may just need to try harder in this space to find other sm.c friends locally. I would really like to connect w someone  who did what I did and just ‘gets it’.  I’m finding that even though I am trying to talk to the other moms at kinder, honestly most of them are stay at home. The few that aren’t I havent connected much with. Friendships take time, I know. But this is a space where I would love to find some new friends. I read other blogs where people say oh, I met up w other moms....they live in next apt to mine....they nanny share...,help each other. Sounds lovely.

And if it wasn’t enough for my son to be sick, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on w my girl since right before thanksgiving. She has been complaining of being tired, doesn’t seem like herself, not wanting to go outside as much, complaining of tummy aches  , etc. took doc few weeks ago and she put on probiotics to see if help. No change so we just did lab work for first time last week and all was normal. Whew, however still keeping close eye and just hoping it gets better.

Happy New Year 2018!

Shout out to myself!—I just figured out how to upload pictures on this blog from my phone again! I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. I used to have to email pics from phone to laptop, save them, then upload them here—now I can skip all that again.  Technology isn’t my thing, I know, but a friend told me about a go.ogle app that backs up your pics/videos and that might have been key. In any event it worked this time and all I can say is wahoo!

Some Holiday photos:

We saw two Santa’s this year so mom could get a picture she liked.

We had a pretty good holiday. My sisters visit was overall pretty good and thankfully no one had major flu, etc. My son actually Wanted to unwrap presents this year so it was so exciting to see them both throwing the paper. We went to my girls school’s church for Christmas Eve candlelight service and my son actually sat on my lap for 10 minutes at one point so we could actually exhale—for a few minutes anyway. They got a lot of presents to play with—keyboard was a big hit as was the scooter.
It was nice to have a true break from work and just focus on family, it’s a nice feeling when all the shopping is done, all is wrapped, and you can just be.

I reread some posts from last year at this time to see what I wanted to do or any goals for last year—one was to focus on my health. Not sure I did well w that because I said I’d like to join a gym which I didn’t do. I did focus on an eating program, but didn’t like it so ended that. It’s my follow through that suffers in this arena. It’s clear I need a plan if I want to make changes because just rolling along won’t work. However, I’m not big into making resolutions (for any area really) and have typically been a go with the flow type of person when it comes to not planning much out for the year. I hesitate to write solid goals because then maybe I’d have to do something! Really thought, it gives me some good reflection on well, I’m in similar place now as I was a year ago. So what now?

What’s also nice about blogging is to read and reflect on what was going on in our lives—and after reading back through I realized how much my job limbo was taking up brain space. I spent a LOT of time trying to decide what I should do, second guessing, talking w friends, making scenarios, etc. In the middle of it I knew I thought about it, but i didn’t realize just HOW much. It was on my brain since I knew things were going to change in Dec of 2016.  I had a couple of opportunities to think about in Midwest (none seemed right), I interviewed for and finally accepted an internal transfer in June-ish (same city) then agonized over whether I should actually take it or not. That got so bad that shortly after the hurricane I told old boss I couldn’t go—needed more time.
In the end I did start the job working remotely (which hasn’t been easy) but that wasn’t until October.  Almost a full year of that background stress. I also think I had mucho anxiety and some fears which exacerbated the issue and probably made it more complicated for me.
Glad that’s over!! So far it’s ‘fine’. That’s best word to use because right now I’m not in love but I’m not miserable. Now that’s not to say I won’t still think about changing companies or what to do ‘next’, but I’ve got time.

Last year through now with the kids I look back on 2017 as a good one. I feel like their ages and growing a bit older has made things easier ie much less physically exhausting. I felt like I was coming out of the newborn/toddler baby phase and just having more nights than less where they slept better. That right there will do wonders. It started to become easier to take them places and I started having energy to do so. We spent a whole week just us during spring break and it was great! They get their own snacks now—I can send my girl to see what her brother is up to. They can actually help put their laundry in the basket and put folded clothes away in their rooms, etc. just having that bit of help with things and being able to talk/reason with them is great. I also love being able to have conversations too.

Looking forward to 2018. Maybe this is the year I’ll get pictures on my walls, curtains, garage organized, boxes out of my room, new furniture...ok, one thing at a time.

Countdown to XMAS

So I did get the lights on the bushes this year. With the help of nanny we put the colored net lights on both sides of the house and it looks great!! Mostly because she is very particular about things being straight and we used tent stakes to keep in place—took some work but they are so cool.

I got into the shopping madness a bit because my girl has asked for a keyboard piano. I’m so surprised at how many stores don’t have them or only carry one option. I went to 5 stores and back to one twice because the first time they wouldn’t price match me yesterday, but found a store they would match today.  I can’t wait I ordered a piano book for little ones that has picture stickers to put on keys (like a dog, Star) and corresponding simple songs. Genius. I really want her to learn to play something versus just bang on it. I actually can play and read music—took years of lessons as a kid but it’s been a long time. I may even have some old sheet music for beginners.
My sons blue scooter arrived and it looks so cool and really good quality. I wanted one he could grow with for a few years.
Our holiday cards arrived and I think they turned out amazing. I really do. I used the recent photos from our family session and put it together at m.pi.x. They have not let me down with their photo products. Very reasonably priced too. I also got a print of my sister and the two kids since she says she doesn’t have a good one. I framed it so she will now. I also got some other items too like Xmas photo ornaments (every year) and magnets. Love them.

Something I’ve been challenged about is Santa. I don’t really play up Santa in our house I mostly focus on holiday music, decorating tree( which we finally got this past Friday for 50%off—my girl and I picked it up after her drs appt in about 15 minutes) and now that she’s getter older (and smarter) she’s asking good questions like—as we were reading a Christmas book tonight she says “how can Santa fit ALL those toys in his sleigh”. And the other day she says, “can reindeers really fly”?
I don’t say much and just want her to take the lead. My son could care less it seems. I just remember being a kid and having the magical excitement thinking about Santa, running downstairs in the morning—it was just a feeling of anticipation and wonder on Xmas eve.
We’ll keep that as long as we can.

On a personal note I’ve learned about how caffeine really negatively affects me because I stopped drinking diet sodas about 2 weeks ago. I’m still wondering if I have some kind of autoimmune issue because I still get random ‘flares’ of things. The ringing in my ears, the eyes blinking issue, tingling in my face, the bad reaction to anesthesia....and most recently my joints in my pointer fingers are very swollen and hurt.
It’s all wierd and could all be nothing, stress-related, or all tied to something. I think I’m just hyper-sensitive to any changes or ‘new’ things since nothing specific has surfaced.
Anyway I was doing research on autoimmune issues and read a lot about  the chemicals/artificial sweeteners used are like poison to your body. For some reason that word stuck with me and I thought why don’t I eliminate it and see how I feel.
I’ve learned a lot. Drinking diet soda makes me:
—Not get the feeling of being full. When I drink the same amount of water I actually feel full with my meals.
—Sleep terribly. It’s a viscious cycle of being tired, drink more, stay up so late because even just small amount in afternoon will disrupt my sleep.
—Drink more diet soda. It’s a bit like pring.les you can’t just have one
—Feel good when I think about drinking one and I look forward to it
—feel so bloated and retain water

Since stopping I have noticed I just seem to feel better over all. My energy seems to be coming back and I’m even thinking about organizing the boxes in my room that have sat there for the last 2 Years, wanting to make the baby books, etc. actually just noticing I’m even thinking about it is good. Part of that could be I’m getting better sleep so it stems from there. Now, I said better...not great sleep. I still wake up throughout the night every 2-3 hours regardless but I’m at least dreaming again and can easily fall back asleep. I did get tested for apnea last year and they said I had a mild case. However the machine experiment they do overnight was probably the worst experience with feeling terrible, massive headache, etc so I’m not really interested in doing that. At least any time soon.

It’s kind of nice though to not feel so exhausted for a change. I’m not sure I realized how much or how often I really felt so tired and just not rested or refreshed.
Not saying all is ‘cured’ and I’m all better but at least it’s a positive change that I want to stick with. When I frame it up in my head and remind myself it’s poison, I really do have an easier time just saying no.

I’m pretty much done shopping which is great because I’m usually scrambling up until Xmas. I think I may even start to wrap so I can actually enjoy our Christmas Eve and not stress about all I still need to do.
We’ve been listening to holiday music during our meals and I think the kids are really enjoying it. We’ve also done a few walks and drives through the neighborhood just to see the lights.

It’s just been kinda fun this year which is pretty cool.

Holidays

It's probably a good thing I didn't post yesterday evening as I had planned......it was a craptastic day yesterday. The morning until bedtime was very trying....my son was up at 5:50 am, my girl had a real tantrum in the morning, I had to ask a dozen times to get shoes, dressed, brush hair....she threw a fit because she didn't want a braid....my son didn't nap so that for sure meant a rough afternoon.....they weren't listening one bit all day.  We tried to get a tree but wouldn't you know the one we chose (after it was taken all way up front) had a split stem....by that time I said forget it. We stayed in the rest of the day.


Part of the issue is:--if I back up a few days before our trip to the Midwest for Thanksgiving, I posted that I hope the kids started feeling better......well they didn't. And haven't.  It's been non-stop sickness for about a month. Started with my girl before Thanksgiving, then my son picked it up--just cough/cold, etc.. However when we were on our trip I ended up taking my son to urgent care because he just wasn't breathing well, sounded very seal-barky-coughy-croupy-mess. He ended up having a virus.....and after we flew back from Thanksgiving that Sunday night my girl comes to my room around midnight saying her tummy hurt. Well.....she picked up a bug and was throwing up and pretty sick for two days.  She's been complaining about feeing tired for about a month, not acting herself, low energy, not eating much, tummy hurting off/on...so I took her to pediatrician on Friday and we are going to try a probiotic to see if that helps before running lab work. It could be she's just run down from being sick so much and am hoping that's all it is. And sure enough my son just last night started his cough back up pretty bad again. Big sigh......

He was such a trooper. As sick as he was, he really did amazing for how much we had going on.

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This was Monday night after the Thanksgiving Holiday. One on each end of the sofa. There's something about the worry of two kids at the same time that makes these times exponentially harder.


Halloween--

Our holidays have been a bit tough this year so far.....for Halloween it ended up storming SO bad that the streets were starting to back up w/ water. The community doesn't reschedule so it was basically go out if you want to. Ummm....no. So, we at least put our costumes on and went to the neighbor's house under the umbrella. We collected as much candy as we could around the house and I let them eat as much as they wanted. Not sure that's ever happened in our house....might have been a bit too much because later that night in bed my girl asked, 'why did you let us eat so much'!

 

My son was a P.J gecko and my girl put on her new wings (this has been about her 3rd set). The pic on the left shows her purple bear dressed up as a bumble bee. I'm SO proud we made that from scratch together. She wanted her bear to have a costume so we used construction paper to make a vest and black socks for the arms...pipecleaners for the antennas and wa-lah!

Thanksgiving--

 On the left is from the plane ride out and on the right is on Thanksgiving Day at a store.

I will say this--traveling w/ a 3 and 5 year old is a "bit" easier than a 4 and 2 year old....however, it still is a ton of work. Especially if  you have to rent a car on the other end and lug 2 car seats. With my son being pretty sick, it was tough. No naps the whole time and he didn't sleep well at night most of the time either. My girl also had a few rough mornings because she was lacking sleep too.....both of them had several calm downs and it took us so long to get ready because no one was cooperating. 

The thing that was a bit disappointing this year was that it seemed we didn't spend that much time w/ my cousin w/ the kids. At times it just felt like we were there, but still by ourselves. We stayed w/ my aunt and uncle, so on Thursday day my cousin spent the day cleaning her house so I took the kids to a store, then we had Thanksgiving at her house from 3-8....then Friday my cousin went shopping during the day and I stayed home w/ the kids and took my son to urgent care....then Friday night we went to my other cousins with everyone from 4-7-ish (which my son came up to me and said GO a few times because he had just had it by then), then on Saturday my cousin scheduled a race for a few of her kids so we didn't see them at all, even though we didn't leave until almost 1pm.  The race part is what was a bit frustrating to me--we see them once a year, and it is no small feat to get us all there. Was it really that important? I don't know, maybe it's me....maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I would just do things differently if I had family come in town that I only see once a year?

What I know for a fact is that they really have no idea what it takes to do these types of things by yourself--they all are married and my aunt/uncle live w/ a short distance to all of their kids. They are constantly running kids around, taking kids to Drs appointments, etc..My aunt actually takes care of my cousins kids in their house and has for the last 14 years....they've had 5 kids. Just a ton of local support and family.

I hesitated even writing the part above because it makes is seem like it was a bad trip....and it wasn't! I think it was just hard w/ the sickness, traveling alone w/ 2 small kids,  and ironically even though we were around family, I still felt disconnected a bit because we didn't see them as much as I thought we would. The flight back and getting home was the toughest because everyone was just exhausted--lots of tears.

What was great??:  It was exciting to be on the plane w/ the kids and see through their eyes. My son's excited giggle when we were taking off.... my girl's exclamations of 'WOW'! All of that was so worth it. And on another positive note, it was GREAT for the kids to play with their cousins....they both had a good time this year, last year one of the cousins wasn't so nice to my son....but this year they all seemed to play well together. Make no mistake I was on high alert for awhile, though. 

Another really cool part of the trip was my mom's very dearest friend from her nursing school days was able to drive over to my uncles house with her son and visit me and meet my kids. We got to talk about my mom, some fun times they had over the years....some tears were shed for sure, but just hugging her was sort of connecting w/ my mom and it felt really good.

I forgot to mention it wouldn't be a Thanksgiving w/out calling poison control--my son decided to turn a bucket into a stool and get his hands on the motrin and drink it! I must not have had the cap all the way on, or something......the good thing is that he only drank less than a 1/4 of the bottle. When I talked to them they said that due to his weight, he would have had to have drank almost the whole thing.  Whew......

I am thinking through whether I talk to my cousin but she's hard to crack.....what I mean is, she's one that always says everything is 'fine'. Even if her son's had a concussion from football (which he had and I only found that out from my aunt and uncle), even if she'd had horrendous headaches (which I found out from my aunt and uncle). It's just odd because I talk to her at least once a month and she doesn't mention any of these things....so it kind of feels like she doesn't let me 'In'....even after all these years. Oh well, I really do have other things I need to focus on.

Some fun things we did lately. AND WE HAD SNOW!!! First time my girl probably remembers and first time EVER for my son. It was so amazing....that pic was taken at 7 something in the am.

Christmas---

I tried 2 weekends in a row now to get a tree. Last weekend my girl said she was too tired and just didn't want to go. I was SO not going to force the issue because it would have not been fun.  However, since we are getting much closer to xmas I really wanted to get one this weekend. I should have just let it be yesterday too as the way the day started I knew it was going to be rough.

I may end up just getting an artificial one, but I can't seem to find one I love.

At LEAST I got all of the yard decorated today w/ our lights, snowman, santa on the doorstep, xmas flag, etc.. The kids did pretty well keeping themselves occupied so I could finish it. And I do love it. I want to add more lights!! I want some maybe on the bushes and around the doorway. I think I've almost decided it will be next year to get lights on the house.....but hey, if we add one thing every year I think will be great.

Leave it to a five year old: We were looking at old Santa pictures from when she was a baby and she wanted to look. Then she quickly exclaims, "Mom, you're really young!".

My son continues to sniff me and says, "Toothpaste". apparently I smell like toothpaste!

I am working on getting xmas gifts and feel pretty good about what I will get the kids--that't not to say I have it all yet. I found her some face paint and am so excited about it. She made a sign the other day that we have face painting at our house and put it on the front door. She very into making signs....here's another one.

This was put on the bathroom door. It means to say, "No. That means You". With a picture of her brother in the middle.


My son says he wants a blue scooter. I think I can handle that one. He's not been into presents, so maybe that will be different this year. I am SO excited about something I found today--you can put balls/sticks together and make forts/a spaceship, etc.. I think he will Love it because he is constantly asking for 'car wash' and crawling through anything he can find.

We will get there.....It's been a tough month, I would say, with all that was going on and the kids just not feeling great. I worry so much when they get sick and hardly sleep myself....although I don't sleep that well anyway. Even with all that I am still excited for the holidays and have somewhat re-found the joy in finding the perfect gift. So much so that I want to actually shop in stores instead of pushing buttons and getting things online. I wanted to get my sister a set of sheets just like mine and was so excited to not only find them, but they were on sale, AND I had a coupon!  Now, if I don't find what I'm looking for that's fine, but it's just kind of fun to actually shop in stores this year.

My sister decided to book a flight and come visit right before xmas and will leave the Wednesday after. I will hope for the best there.  A bit of a bummer our old nanny isn't going to come until after xmas this year and its been an adjustment. She's been part of our 'getting ready for xmas' for the last 3 years. It's been one of the few times when she said she just couldn't come. I understand, but of course am disappointed. 

Well.....onto thinking about what new xmas 'thing' we want in the yard and finally getting a tree!

Happy Holidays!

So Exciting Part 2

These last few weeks have been full of wonderful firsts in our house......
--my son learned how to ride his bike
--my girl got sparkly laced shoes (well they still have a zipper and strap so laces are just for looks) and she learned how to tie them on the first few tries!!
--and the heart melter. My son has started crawling out of his crib almost every morning now. I'm not used to it so when this little voice is right next to my ear...'Maaaama'. Sometime startles me. Well, he came into my room the other morning at about 6:15am...he got in my bed and crawled right up to me, laid his head on me and said, "I wuff ooo".....oh em gee. I didn't even care it was the crack of dawn. First time he's said the words I Love You.....it makes me saw awwwww every time.


We are gearing up to fly to the Midwest for thanksgiving. There was a small bit of me tonight that felt overwhelmed at all that it will take to get a 5 and 3 year old (and myself) packed, to the airport, travel, pick up rental car, drive, run around after the kids, and travel back home. Then I took a deep breath and started looking for clothes in the kids' dressers that they can wear while there.  I tried so hard over the last month to get some really cute Fall/Winter clothes at many different stores for my girl BUT....I think she is sensory sensitive. She doesn't like anything except leggings and longer shirts. We've tried jeans, dresses, jeggings, tights, yoga pants, organic cotton.....seems that everything we tried was either too big, too small, had too many seams, seams in the wrong place, had scalloped stitching on cuffs, she just didn't like it, etc.. I've learned, though, that if she tries it on and says no, to just not keep it and take it back. Otherwise, it will sit in her drawer collecting dust.  And my son doesn't really care except he doesn't like collars. I am finding that branching out into different brands, sizes are not created equal, so a few things I bought for him don't fight right either.
I've been shopping more than I care to admit to try and find some great outfits and while I picked up a few sweaters for both and long sleeve shirts for my son, I just didn't find that AHA! outfit.
It will be fine, I know, but I really did try and am proud of myself for starting so early.


My sister told me today she is for sure not going to meet us for the holiday. She has a lot of health issues and one of them is her blood pressure. It goes up high, and quite low....and that's mixed in w/ migraines and few other issues. So, she just doesn't feel well enough to drive the 4 1/2 hours. My brother, well, never heard back from him. I told him on the phone many months ago, I reminded him on the card I sent for my son, and haven't heard a thing. Would be nice for him to at least say yes/ or no....but assume it's no if he hasn't gotten back to me. He's a grown boy so I don't think I need to chase him and see if he can come.


Just crossed a few anniversaries that have been sad for me. It would have been my mom's 77th birthday this month, and in September it's been 9 years that she's passed.  There is still so much sadness in my soul about losing her that I still haven't been able to put a picture of her up in my house.  That empty feeling of loss....a yearning of sorts, is still there. Certainly not as pronounced like it was at the beginning, but if you have endured significant loss, you may know what I am talking about. I think about her everyday and I imagine I always will.  It doesn't take long before the tears come (like right now) when I think about her a lot. I really really would have liked to know her as a parent to another parent.  Even though she was married, we had similar lives in that she ran the show w/ us kids....much like a single parent because my dad was in the military when were very young, then he worked 3rd shift and slept most of the day, so my mom took care of pretty much everything, cooking, cleaning, transporting, school activities, bills, etc..she just didn't have a paying full time job until we were much older. We lived in a very small community but we had no family around.  She actually had a whole life before getting married and having kids....she was a nurse, travelled the globe w/ one of her besties Auntie Paula, and then she settled into family. A lot like someone else I know ;)
I do keep her memory alive by talking about her with my kids, though......we have a ton of books that have her initials in them (she worked at a preschool for many years) and I say those are grandma's books.  When opportunities come up, I tell them about her....like how creative she was (she was so crafty, could sew, etc.). My girl asks questions regularly about her grandma and how she died....I've been very honest and told her she died from a disease cancer. I've always let her ask whatever questions she wants to and try my best to answer in an age-appropriate way.
For only being five, we've had some hard conversations. She's asks me about if I'm going to die and I had prepared by reading the best way to respond. I tell her that I plan to live as long as I can and that she will always be taken care of. It absolutely breaks my heart when her eyes well up when she thinks and asks about these things but these are real emotions and real things that are going on in her head. I need to assure her its ok to ask hard things.


Other than a few colds/fevers, etc.. we've been doing pretty well. Kids fighting a few things now, so I am really hopefully they get better by 2 days from now!!


I think I was planning to talk about my son's birthday and post some pics....at least I can say it was a very small party, we got him a Pep.pa cake, and again he wasn't overly interested in opening gifts. That's just how he is.


I do think I've come out of the really rough times of having such small kids that didn't sleep etc.. Because I am looking forward to decorating for the holidays. I went all out at Halloween and we put up some yard things and made spiders to put all over the windows. I even want to get some lights put up on the house this year for Christmas but my roof is pitched very steep so would probably want to hire it out. Always something to think about, but instead of feeling overwhelmed, I am looking forward to it!!  I've already made a list of presents I plan to get. My girl has told me a laundry list of things, but it will be a bit harder for my son.


The new job? It's fine.  That's kind of how I feel. It is fine for now.....I am realizing that it is pretty much what I expected, back into a big machine that I might not necessarily want to stay in. I'll for sure stay until April next year and then re-evaluate. There have been days where I've said, what have I gotten into.....and other days where I think, eh....it's fine. We also just found out that our building won't be ready to go back full time until Spring of next year so many are still working from home. I work at home most days and once or twice a week go into our temporary office. That is working okay but I am finding that I am not moving as much. I work from my bed and that certainly isn't ergonomic for my back or legs, etc.. (like right now I am sitting cross legged and adults just aren't made to do that for a long time!) I am much more stiff. I had started going on bike rides during lunch and need to get back into that. Of course not commuting and having to BE somewhere by 8 am is nice, but there are a few downsides.


Think that covers it for now......Happy Thanksgiving!

So Exciting

This is going to be a super short post but I just had to put it out there that my son said his own name for the first time last night!!!!
It was just the most exciting thing.....my girl, son, and I were watching super why after bath and the character says--"Can you say your name?"......and he did it! This tiny little voice.....


My girl and I looked at each other and started screaming and clapping for him. My girl asked if he could say his name again and he did. More clapping.....then she asked if he could say her name.....and he did!! We seriously had the best time with asking him to say words and he simply repeated them all.


I don't why, but I guess I just assumed since he hadn't said his name before that maybe he didn't know it, or connect with it.  I should have known better, though,  because he knows way more than what he verbalizes.

It was just so cool.....to hear him just outright say it to the tv.........I don't know. It was kind of like the excitement when he just took off walking and we were all screaming and yelling.


These are the coolest moments as a parent and it makes me SO happy.