Grateful

This past Monday morning a friend I've known for 15 years--her mom passed away. Her story very similar to mine in that her mom had cancer, came to live with her, was in remission, then it came back in a bad way. She watched her mom wither away, helplessly....grateful that the end was near for the relief, crushing sadness for the loss she was about to have, and guilt for having those feelings.

I've been there and it's life changing. I've supported her the best I could, offered to go out there, be a shoulder, tell her I've been thinking about her.

The one thing that people used to say that bothered me even though they meant well was "let me know what I can do".

Here's the thing--mostly there's nothing you can do, I dont even know what I need, and it just felt empty to me, like we both know you aren't going to do anything but don't know what else to say. The other thing was "how are you doing"? Ummm when someone is dying the answer is not fine or ok. It's terrible but people get uncomfortable when you say how you really are.

So, I've learned through my experience to a) just say hey, checking in on you and b) can I do (insert specific thing). Can I go to grocery store? Etc.

c) just ask outright what they are comfortable with.

She said today that she can't talk about it without crying and crying. I didn't have the heart to tell her that most likely it will be a long time before that happens and the worst is yet to come. Right now it is so new.

On monday afternoon I went for my annual mammogram and I was in the waiting area with a woman with a shaved head and a 5 month old baby boy. She said she he had 3 older sisters.

My heart just sank. Here was this woman, mother, battling cancer holding her infant son. They were talking about being able to go home pending outcome of this scan. I assumed they were from out of town. What was at least good to see was husband, mom, and grandma were there with her.

Moments like these two make me just stop and be grateful. I went home and gave up thanks that I have my children and we have our health--they got even more hugs and kisses. And it's just a big huge reminder that we can't take our time for granted. 

Then there was petty (petty considering the statements I just made above) family drama. I had mentioned that my dad had given us some property as inheritance and only my sister and I pay on it (taxes, etc) and my brother/other sister do not (although my brother just did today surprisingly) I had gone back to my dad to ask him if he would pay for my brother and other sister's portion. He said he couldn't afford it. BS. He makes take home from 2 pensions more than my brother does 3x over and has been paying it for last 30 years. It's made me pretty upset. I haven't talked to my dad for awhile. So my sister and I have been looking into selling it and contacted two realtors. Thing is, my sister told me she's not ready to sell. We grew up going there every summer and a lot of memories there. My mom's ashes were sprinkled on the island in middle of the lake.

Part of me doesn't want to sell either. But, it's not a good financial investment and I'm paying for something I don't use.

Most likely we will keep through next year and then see.  Only if I moved back to the Midwest I could see myself spending time there with my kids.

What this triggers for me is that my dad did what was easiest for him--got two birds by wiping his hands of paying anything more now and also calling it inheritance--and not what was easiest or in best interest of us. He could have asked us first? I literally got an envelope in the mail--surprise you are now a 4-part owner. He could have researched tax implications of gifting versus inheritance (HUGE by the way)? He could pay for the upkeep/taxes since he can afford it? But no.

It's a trigger for me because it's exactly how he handled things with my mom. Unilateral decisions, abandon when things get tough--my mom lived with me when she was sick for a year and a half and he came down maybe twice. No support--physical, emotional, or financial.

He did send me a card after she passed saying he just couldn't do it and thanked me for it....most of me felt that he didn't even try and too little to late.

And today my sister and I got into the most real conversation we've had in two years. She's been chronically ill for much of that time and self medicating. She's going to a therapist now and is working on herself. We finally addressed the text she sent me at 4 am months ago saying she was upset she is not my children's guardian. I laid it out there that I think she is unreliable. I've never actually told her that before. I've used words like emotional/unstable....but it just boils down to when the going gets tough she falls apart and isn't there for me. Pattern of behavior. It may hurt her feelings but I'm clear that her being a guardian is not in the best interest of my children. At least the way things have been over the years.

Very emotional stuff here. I'm proud of myself for just staying even and trying to stay logical about some very sensitive issues--that frame of mind has helped.

I think with the events of the week some old wounds have surfaced but  I think I'm handling okay.

On a very positive note, I kind of got mad about how things went w counselor so decided to take things into my own hands and downloaded a fitness app. I wanted to start simple so I'm just focusing on counting calories. I've been doing it for almost a week and I've found that:

--it's easy to track with the app and dare I say kind of fun.

--I have an awareness that now with a goal of 1800ish calories just how much I was eating before.

--I'm already eating more fruits, vegetables.

--I've cooked!! and brought my own lunch/snacks to work a few days instead of raiding the cafeteria.

--the beginning of weight loss doesn't feel good physically: been tired, at times super hungry. But I'm figuring out what makes me feel good, keeps me full longer, worth my calorie spend, etc.

--I'm not agonizing over it. I'm just doing it. When I think too far ahead I say--just focus on what you can do today.

--it doesn't feel like a diet. I'm not restricting types of food I eat. Just making a calorie puzzle of my food.

--I was inspired by several things I've read over and over in a blog and articles that say don't lose weight in a way that's not 'real life' and maintainable.

So, thank you counselor. You've helped me by not helping me.

And finally, I had a review with my financial advisor today. I wanted to see what would it take to stop work or work part time by the time my son enters kindergarten. We went through all my 'stuff' and he is going to get back w me on the plan. He may say it's not doable, but I'll say--strong will can make a lot of things happen.

On my blog I usually focus on parenting and kid stories, etc but guess I needed a detour today. 

I will say that I am so proud. My son is 21 months old and went poopy on the potty for the first time today!!!! Nanny put him on the other day mid-potty so I don't think that really counts. But today he just had that look and was grabbing his diaper. I said lets go potty and we all went in there, I put him on the little seat, and he did it!!! My girl and I clapped wildly for him.

His first speech therapy appointment tomorrow. I wasn't too impressed with the one who did our eval so I asked for a different one. Will see how goes.

We don't have a daddy

I've wondered since before conception about when my children will notice our family is different. What will they say? How will they say it? Although even typing that our family is different seems odd because SO many families are nontraditional. I digress.

I knew eventually it would come up but I wasn't expecting it at 3.

Tonight we were reading a book called pumpkin day. It's about a family of 4 rabbits--mommy, daddy, Trudy, and jack.

About a few pages in we see this.

She says--we have two of those (points to the kids) and a mommy but we don't have a daddy. I just paused wondering if she would ask or say anything else......

And she just went right on with the story.

Really not even a blip for her. She said it simply matter of fact. At least for now, that is. 

My thoughts around this even when she does question why is to simply say our family is made up with mommy, brother, you, and cat of course and we don't have a daddy in our family. Very simple.  It's obviously the norm for us so my goal is to keep it that way and keep it a blip--just not a big deal. I'm certain it will change over time for them but for now we are good.

She does have her fourth birthday coming next month. She is obsessed. This kid talks about her birthday every day. Her big thing is she wants a rainbow cake and noise makers that flip out when you blow through. I've had to tell her for a few months that her birthday is far away because she wanted to know if it was today? Is it today?! Like everyday.

She says "I'm gonna be 4 on my birthday" whenever the number 4 is mentioned or August. It's amazing how often those words are used.

Our old babysitter, other old babysitter and her girls--the ones my girl still talks about after a year of not seeing them--will come and stay with us for the weekend. I think that's all we will do. My sister decided too many people in the house so is not flying down.

I am planning for a few decorations, cake, and some rainbow crafts.

She still comes up with the best stuff. We were laying next to each other on the couch and she leans over to give me a kiss. Then she says "Mommy you bandage my finger when I get hurt. You cook dinner . You let me go to the swimming pool. You are a great mom." Then kisses me again on the forehead.

This was totally unprompted and so unexpected. Isn't that so awesome?!

The other day she looks up at me and says, "you are my big, huge, loving mom". Love this kid.

My son. 

So we ended up having to do another speech eval because any private insurance one wouldn't accept the state eval. So we've already done it and surprise surprise he is showing speech delay. I wasn't overly impressed with their eval or methods they talked about for therapy--just seemed so basic. Like repeating words, etc. we do that at home. I've been dragging my feet on getting regular therapy appointment scheduled but I suppose I should.

I truly think my son has learned that he doesn't HAVE to talk to get what he wants. He uses a combination of 'ah' and pointing. Multiple ah's, high pitched ah's, etc. and he understands everything. Tell him to go get x, or do x, and he's got it. He's even starting to anticipate. Yesterday I had something and was going to throw it away. He runs over to the trash and opens it, I throw, and he closes it.

I tried to see if I forced him to say something to get what he wanted could he do it? Before bed I get him a bottle. He was reaching for it and I said, "say baba". After about 5 times of me asking guess what that turkey said?! Baba.

Even with that I think still worth therapy so I have to just get on it.

Poor baby is sick again. We had a pretty good break when preschool let out but for about a week now they both had fevers. I took my girl to dermatologist because she had eczema flare and major tiny bumps all over--virus they say.

And my sons has gone to his chest with croupy and junky cough and stuffy head.

He's also got mommy-itis.when I'm getting ready in the morning if he hears me say I need to take a shower he runs to my room--and cries if nanny takes him out. When I'm heading out for work he runs to back door that I leave out of and just cries. 

Poor kid.

Me.

I do need to find another therapist. After the things I mentioned in last post she had another call off--said she was sick, dr. told her stay home. So out of 6 scheduled appointments she's missed 2.

I really need someone more reliable and organized. Last visit she asked me how much I owed her because she doesn't keep track of that stuff. Uh no. 

There isn't a perfect person out there but this lady turned out to not even be adequate. Back to drawing boards.

I will say that me getting frustrated about my experience has been good in a way because even though I wanted support to take the reigns of my weight/health, it really does boil down to no one will do it for me. There may be some elusive reason why it's been such a mental block for me but part of me gave me some tough love and said suck it up. It gave me a spark at least.

I'm rethinking about joining a program. Haven't committed but I'm leaning more now.

Other than that I started back on brand medication and feel better. I do notice less anxiety which is a relief. Also, I'm back to taking just a regular over the counter vitamin and overall I haven't felt too bad.

However, this getting older thing is for the birds. Not sure I've mentioned but over last nine years I've developed a swallowing problem--food just gets stuck and I have to drink to wash down. It's a common problem. I hadn't gone to see dr about it until recently because it really wasn't a big deal. But over last 6 months it just seemed worse. Anyway, an endoscopy, barium swallow, motility study, an insurance battle still ongoing, and about a thousand dollars out of pocket already: they still aren't sure why. Maybe I should have just left it alone! Still waiting to hear back from last study so will see I guess.

Not only that but my three year old skunks me at memory game. It's so sad because I am trying and I'm not letting her win. For real.

Summer Break. Thank You.

I owe a lot to summer break from school right now. Mainly because it's the first time in months on end we haven't been sick! It's amazing how much nicer our days have been when they sleep, eat, and just feel better. SO many less fussies, tantrums, and stressful times.

When I think back over last many months it really was majorly hard. It started back November of last year and I don't think it stopped until a few weeks ago. I'm sure I've summarized already but both kids in ER and countless illnesses later--we just took a beating in our house. I wish I was being dramatic.

In fact my girl needed a dr sign off for her fall preschool paperwork but I wanted to actually talk w the dr. So she got a checkup and I wanted to see if all of this is normal, is it possible there's an immunity issue, do we need to start vitamins, etc.?

Basically dr said all of this is normal and it usually lasts a year and a half.

GULP.

I'm not ready to start this again in the fall. Can't they make some kind of something to protect against all this? Answer seems to be she is building her immunity and her brother's too. If so then why do I get sick too? 

Another thing that was more clear to me now that the clouds have parted is that as hard as it was on me, they were just as tired of it too. Their behavior was very frustrating at times but looking back I can see why. While living it, it wasn't that clear. Just emotionally exhausting.

So....thank you summer break.

So far I've gone on a trip to see some friends in Boston over Memorial Day. Spent thurs-mon. Can't remember last time, if I ever have, been away NOT on work travel. My patience tank filled right up.

My girl started swimming lessons!! We found a place that charged us group class price for 1:1 lessons. The instructor was willing to come in early because all classes were full. So we've done 2 weeks of those and it's been great. Nanny took her to the first one and I took her to the second. I'm a big mush. When I saw her in there doing what the teacher asked, beaming with pride, looking to see my reaction---I found myself just in tears, waving everytime she looked, and giving thumbs up the whole time. So proud of that kid! She loves it and she's progressing fast. She goes tue and fri. Well that's what she did, the instructor said I need to call about what's next so we will see. 

This is the first of any lesson we've ever done. Seems like I just need to open my checkbook from now on because all of this stuff is not cheap.

I started seeing a therapist. She was recommended from within our company medical group. I've had 3 visits with her now. The first one I was really impressed because she seemed confident she could help me. You spend most of the first few visits with background. I had high hopes but they are slowly fading. Mainly because I think she is very disorganized. She's said to me twice or three times now, so, you're married?. Um no. I've told her that a few times now. She was a no call no show last week. Said she left a message. Nope. Her phone goes off every visit and every visit she says oh man forgot to turn it off. She said yes, let's meet twice a week, think we could make progress--then last visit said, once a week should be fine.

Lady, read my file before I come and stop asking me things you should already know. I could overlook the smaller things if I thought she could provide great therapy. Hmmmm not sure on that yet. Great first visit, next one so-so, this last one no. I'm willing to try a few more times but things will have to improve. If not, I'll start over again. Ugh.

My old nanny was just here for a visit and my sister is coming Thursday.

When old nanny comes the funniest thing happens--I can't keep my eyes open at night. I feel exhausted like at 8:30pm. I've figured out its because I can truly relax with someone else in the house--who can help. It's like I really exhale....I went to bed like at 9ish the whole time.

The other thing we did was take my son for his speech evaluation. The state has a program where it's free for eval no matter income so I said why not. Family down the way went there too. He tested above age in receptive comm--understanding. But delayed in speaking. I could have told you this w/out the eval but fine.

He does need therapy. Problem with that service is if you do need therapy it is income driven then. Hundreds a month. No thanks. So I called around and we have to start over with new eval under insurance. Will do that Friday.

They did eval including motor--he loved this one.

I think his motor skills just fine. Here's his new trick.

We've also done a lot of swimming in the back yard and at the neighborhood pool. When it's scorching outside already that's about all we can do.

I've also decided that my medication is not working as well as it should. I'm much more anxious, a lot at night where I worry the what ifs? Worry about when I  travel, etc. I hadn't really put two and two together until a few weeks ago. It's been many months I've been feeling this and when I think back i think it started when I started taking generic. If anyone says they are the same don't believe it. My insurance had this rx as some type where it would have been 675/mo. We submitted an appeal and it got approved last week! So now it will be 120 for 3 months. Huge difference. I'm waiting for them to mail so I can switch and see if I notice changes.

I'll end with this--

My girl is continuing to say the darndest things. This morning I made them eggs and cut up strawberries with oranges. She says, "mom, you are a genius!" I ask her why is that and she says it's because I used rainbow colors.

If only that's all it took!

Family

It's official. On May 21st my son became a toddler. He had his FIRST haircut. On the day of I didn't really seem too sad but in the days after I have to say--I mourned the baby curls. I really just miss 'em. And what they say is true he looks so 'boy' now and not my cuddly wuddly squishy bear.

Can't believe how long his hair had gotten.

Before

During

After

What that haircut stirred up, well just continued for me.....is this the last time I'll have a first haircut? My baby's not a baby! I haven't written too much about my thoughts on family because I am a single mother to two awesome and healthy children. They are 3 and 1, a boy and girl--what more could I possibly want or hope for?

A few things come up for me--I have 3 embryos left that I pay a storage fee annually for. Growing up I just saw myself with 3 children. I'm 41.

Ive tossed the idea around of how insane it might be to consider another. I know i know. Where the idea even comes from is not wanting any life regrets, any thoughts of---shoulda woulda.

Some people say they know they are just done. I guess in the absence of having that feeling I stew on it.  It's not all consuming but I can tell you I haven't given away one baby item.

Something else that comes to mind is maybe a husband with kids already would add to our family. That sounds good to me also.

I'm not debating the idea that things would be crazy hard. It's crazy hard with 2. But, I wouldn't be hesitating at all (I don't think) if I were married and another person was helping me raise our family.

Keeping up with other blogs I know other  moms of 1 and even 2 still work through these thoughts. There's just a finality to it when you say this is my last...fill in the blank, first tooth, new baby smell, etc. ever for the rest of my life.

Most likely we are where we will be...but I've learned never to say never. And will continue to pay my annual fee.

Graduation

I Well we did it! We made it through our first/3 year preschool year. I called it graduation but really it was an end of school year program for all the classes.

She was SO excited for this party especially because she knew I was coming. Talked about it for days ahead of it.

It was last Thursday--I was able to take her to school with nanny and my son then head off to chapel. They call it chapel but it is in a progressive kind of church with chairs/stage/lighting/big screens.

They've done this for years now so it is a pretty organized event. Once doors open everyone rushes in to get closest to the front. We made our way in and as we were walking to front a lady sat down and 'claimed' the whole row I was walking up to--like 12 seats! It felt rude to me but nanny said she's done it before. Who knew?

We sat down and had a little while to wait so my son was getting pretty antsy. They had blankets all lined along the very front below the stage and each class was assigned to one. 

They finally started filing in--little ones first and progressively bigger. I spotted her teacher and got so dang excited. I became THAT parent ready to wave wildly to my child. As soon as I spotted her I couldn't believe what happened. I had this enormous ball of emotion come bursting out of me and I just started crying. And crying. And...crying. I was so unprepared for my reaction I didn't even bring tissue-had to get one from nanny.

When I saw her I just a)beamed with pride b) saw how much of a big girl she was following along in a line c) seeing her face light up when she saw me. Oh brings tears to my eyes reliving it right now. Wiping them away now.

I didn't realize how big the school was until they had all the kids go--younger twos, older twos, 3's etc. many many classes.

They brought one group on stage while the next group waited on the ramp and they had a singer perform in the transition spots. Very smooth.

Finally it was her turn and the whole class-15 maybe-lined the stage. They did a surfing song and I was so proud--most of the kids just stood there but she rocked it--did all the steps and did her 'freestyle' as she called it. I didn't practice once with her.

I'm also realizing that trying to capture all these moments on video takes away from actually living the moment as it happens. This was the first program she's ever been in so I spent a lot of time making sure the camera was focused, not wobbly, not too far out, etc. and by the time I did all that they were done!

There were a few classes after hers so I spent most of the rest of the time in the hall with my son who wanted nothing to do with sitting down anymore.

When they were all finished we went back to her classroom where they had an ice cream party. She got a super neat book that had pictures of her throughout her time Jan-may. These events are also kind of interesting because the parents sort of focus on their kid and none of the parents really interacted much. Kind of like 3 year olds do sometimes-play next to but not with.

We didn't stay long after that but we at least got a pic of my girl with her teacher.

What was also a great part of the day was we had mommy and my girl lunch afterwards. Nanny and my son were going to go but he continued to melt down so we dropped them off at home. We got to the restaurant and I asked her what her favorite part about the program was? Do you know what she said?

She said her favorite part was that I came to her party. And that I was so proud.

Melt my heart into a thousand pieces!! The fact that she could articulate that and I knew she really meant it. Just can't explain how much I welled up inside.

It also made me think that this is the exact reason I will ALWAYS strive to be there for her--a school event, a program, sports, whatever it is. She is three and a half and can already tell me how much it means to her. Means so much to me too.

Overall we had just the most delightful time together. Such a positive, nice, no fussy, real connection time.

I jut loved it.

Overall school WAS the right decision for us. She's learning things constantly and starting to learn about friendships. I'm starting to learn that I can't keep other kids from hurting her feelings and that's hard. I wanted to tell little Leah a thing or two when my girl said Leah didn't want to play with her. Umm what!?

I didn't meet any other moms to have play dates with but think that's mainly due to me not dropping off/picking up.

The teacher said my girl blossomed throughout time there and was a very sweet girl. They normally have conferences but they were cancelled due getting a few days back for other weather cancellations.

They do a report card of sorts and shows what they know in preparation to read, etc. she needs to work on lower case letters and number recognition. Fine by me.

It was not a super easy transition because at the beginning, and even now really, she says she misses me 'all day'. But also has said she loves school and her favorite thing to do now is play school at home. She is usually the teacher, of course and she is usually sending me to the behavior chart!

Looking forward to next year at the 4 year old class. We are staying at this preschool and she will go mon-thurs and stay 2 afternoons tue and wed. She's going to take a 'cooking' and gardening class. She also got assigned to the teacher her current teacher suggested. Seems all a go. Now just have to help my girl understand that school is out for the summer. For some reason she's super focused on her birthday so we will distract her with that.

And I continue to capture some of the hilarious things she says--things to make me outright laugh.

--my son was running in our cul de sac and I asked him to stop. He didn't of course and she says, 'he doesn't listen very well' I said no he doesn't. 

She says, 'I think we need to buy a new one'!  Then the next day in the morning after he had given us both a lot of kisses she says, 'I thought we needed a new one but he's so nice'!

--I had gotten her some new play shorts and they just weren't fitting her right. I said these shorts suck and she says 'yeah like babies suck nunies'?

Yes babe, kind like that.

Happy Muh-vers Day!

Got these from my good Boston friends. So nice!! They have sent some every year since my very first Mother's Day.

My girl was SO darn excited about Mother's Day today. She kept talking about it and saying things like 'it's so exciting! I just LOVE muh-vers day!'

She wanted to make a card for our nanny and insisted on brown play-do so she could make her cookies too. She used light brown for the cookie and dark brown for the sprinkles of choc chips. I just opened the playdo and she did all the rest. It was so sweet. Then as we were getting ready for bed she decided that we should have gotten her a present too so she used a Halloween pumpkin and put bob the build-er figurine in it. Oh and we had to hide the card right next to our cat's food dish.

What I love seeing is that she seems just as excited to make other people things as she does to get presents herself.

Nanny had brought with her two cards the kids made--my son's handprint in one and a pic of my girl in the other. She was blowing a dandelion in the pic and the inside of the card was her fingerprints making a dandelion. So cute! Also a painting the kids had made.

It was a nice day today--other than being tired from an interrupted night of sleep. I woke up off the couch around 1am, my son awake at 415, my girl yelling out at 5:30am--she's started calling me so I can put her blanket back on her!, at least they both went back to sleep.

I don't want to say it too fast but I think my girl is turning a developmental corner again and I am seeing less tantrums and fussy behavior. What I am also seeing is the ability to have longer, regular conversations. Our time is at night after my son is in bed at 7. We have a lengthy routine that involves show, reading on my bed, she goes potty, we stretch on my floor, we 'talk', then she brushes teeth, I lay my head on side of her bed and we 'talk' more, then maybe cinder.ella story then sleep around 8.

I'm finding she is quite sensitive and worries about things. For example her frisbee went over the backyard fence and she really melted down about it but I said we'd get it the next day. First thing next morning she says can we get the frisbee. She even said 'I'm so worried about my frisbee'.  This may be normal or maybe she's on the anxious side. There are times though where her little heart seems so upset. Tonight she looked at me with real tears and the tone of her voice was so sad and she says 'I'm really going to miss you at school'. Now she says this about every day but I know when it's different--when she is really sad and her eyes get watery, her voice gets shaky. I just want to scoop her up and keep her little heart from hurting--ever!

She is able to express much better what she is thinking versus acting out. Yesterday she was grouchy a lot and at one point she was back talking a lot. Time out wasn't helping. When she finally calmed down she comes to me--serious as can be--and says 'mom, I think we need to talk about this'. (She's into calling me mom these days). I let her explain that she doesn't like when I get upset at her and I needed to apologize. Then I had to help her understand that she's not always going to like what I say but she has to listen better with no backtalking.

At the end of our conversation she asked if we could hug. How great was that!!!

Our days aren't perfect by any stretch but it just feels like things are easier these days--not so emotionally exhausting.

That is of course when there's not sickness in the house and sure enough, we are still fighting another virus that got both of them. My son in the form of fever and croup and my girl with fever and cough/respiratory.

Sigh.

At least there's comic relief--the other day my girl was building with blocks and they all fell down...she yells out 'I just can't take it anymore!'

Ha.

This morning--My girl's morning scowl and my boy's delight at all things with push buttons and lights. What's memorable about this snap is my son can climb in the chair now himself so this was the first time I saw my girl crawl up in the chair to sit next to her brother--all on her own. Awww. Happy Mother's Day to me.

It's happening

My squishy wishy lovey dovey snuggle bear baby is turning into......a toddler. Yes it's happening. He's decided that whenever we come inside--scream. Whenever he gets taken out of bath--scream. When he starts walking he just wants to go! So it all started coming together for me when I would try and redirect him by turning his shoulder, taking his hand, or blocking his path he just sat down. I said wait a minute!! He's not old enough to do this.

THEN he started the limp noodle trick, we all know it---when you try to pick them up and they don't want to--they sort of just slip through your grip to a big puddle on the floor.

It just was an aha that oh my, here we are.

He's totally testing boundaries. We have this tv console that has an open shelf and a shelf above. He's constantly stepping on it and pulling up---we say 'feet on the floor' and sometimes he listens but mostly he just smiles and giggles. When he knows I mean business he'll get down but not without a body-clenching, back-arched scream. And if he's really mad he'll throw his nuni.

And this kid has a temper. If sister grabs something he had--watch out. He used to just say oh well and reach for something else. Now? Scream, red-faced, sometimes drool coming down, maybe even real tears. 

He has opinions too--when we come out to the living room he walks under the mantel and grunts and points. The remotes are up there so that means he wants to watch a show. And not just any show--George or Daniel. That's about it. When the show is over--I replay recorded ones, he turns around and his mouth drops open for a huge grunt like --do you see this! It's over! Fix it!

I now have to wrestle him just to change his clothes or diaper. I've literally had to put my leg over him to stop him from twisting and turning and carrying on.

He's now pretending he can't hear me when I call to him. Just the other morning I called out son...son. He kept going and right as he turned the corner he looked back and smiled. That whipper snapper!

Through all of that angst he is really picking up how much he communicates. He still does it through grunting and pointing, but it's amazing how much you can connect just with that. 

It's kind of funny because his 'grunting' sounds a bit more chirpy--hard to describe but I find myself making the same noises back to him.

In the tub a game he likes to play is sitting still, looking right at me and says AaaaH.  I repeat. He does it again louder, longer--I repeat. Then he maybe throws in a short, quiet aah just for fun. He loves it. When his sister joins in we are all aaaaahhh-ing together. Family fun.

His other new obsession is shoes. He wants to wear all kinds of shoes no matter what the size. He'll bring one over,  hold it up to you, chirp...as if to say put it on me! Then he just walks and walks. Hey if this entertains him, fine by me.

I think I'm going to revise what I've said earlier about my son and that he's easy going--I think I've mistaken 'independent player' with easy going. For some reason I thought if he can occupy himself that's a relaxed kid. Ummm no it isn't.

It's not that he's high-strung or high-maintenance but he does have opinions and a temper. Maybe all kids do at this stage.

Now granted he's had a ton of things that have been very uncomfortable for him. I think his general disposition is happy when he's not teething, sick, having tummy troubles as a tiny baby, recovering from broken arm etc. it's usually something causing him not to feel well that makes him cranky and fussy.

Alas, he is becoming less and less of a hip baby and prefers to scooch down off of me than sit in my lap. 

Growing independence, testing boundaries, tantrums (not awful yet but will just full on lay down and cry as needed), less huggy, selective hearing, more communication.....all signs pointing to a toddler in the house!

Even his face is becoming less baby and he's growing taller.

Oh...my boy.