Where do I even begin?

It's been a month since I wrote. Can't believe it. Well, yes I can. I've thought about writing so many times. And then when the kids get to bed I pretty much can't muster the energy to drag out the computer, log in, and write.  There have been several things I keep saying to myself to remember next time I actually log in. In fact, I am writing w/ my eyes closed at the moment. Long story about my eyes having issues....

Let's back up to the move over here.....last I wrote they were packing our stuff up and leaving us for a week w/out anything and delivering a week after that.  Turns out the next several days were not that bad. We kept the TV, internet and our babysitter brought down a recliner and a few lawn chairs. I had the blow up mattress, kids had their beds.  I could still pretend it wasn't super real that we really were moving.  We ended up driving over here on Sunday, April 19th....planned to leave at 9am, left about 11am.  We weren't exactly sure how to bring all of our stuff....even w/ movers there were things we kept behind for a week. Tried to see about getting a trailer, a truck, my car and a rental, but it ended up working fine because my babysitter rode w/ me and her nephew filled up his suv. I paid him to drive over (and back home) same day.  I was super nervous how it was going to go w/ the 2 kids, a packed car, a cat, and a 5 1/2 hour drive....It went much better than I had anticipated.  We drove for about an hour then pulled over to get bottles out, etc and then my babysitter squished herself between the 2 carseats in the back pretty much for the rest of the trip. She could keep them both entertained w/ portable dvd or chewy toys, etc.. Worked great for me because I could just focus on driving and not worry about the fussing behind me. We stopped one other time to just take a break, bathrooms, etc. and we got some icecream. Babygirl loves her some icecream.
We got here late Sunday and I had to go to work on Monday (when they were going to delivery all of our house stuff). We were pretty darn tired, but still unloaded everything, blew up the mattress, got the kids beds, etc. I had borrowed a camping cot for my babysitter but she preferred to sleep on the floor. Seriously. I just gave up that battle.
The next day the new nanny did start and both of them manned the house/kids/unpacking all week long. I actually stayed home Tuesday so I could help unpack and get us settled.  I was so thankful my babysitter could stay all week and help 'train' the new one.  She pretty much took care of the unpacking and organizing. Now, I paid for her time, of course, but it was money well spent.
The new nanny....well.  Lots more to say on that one.

What has been extremely difficult is my girl has not taken to this move well at all. So much change in a short amount of time. Mama back to work full time, new house, new caretaker....she has continued to ask about the other babysitter and her daughters. How do you explain to a 2 year old they are far away now and we can't play?  She keeps saying "I wanna go you car to C house, play with girls", "I miss her". All I can say is, I know baby.
Mornings have been torturous. I have had to leave the house with her screaming and clinging to me for dear life for the first few weeks. I've literally had to peel her off of me and hand her over, they hold her a few minutes so I can get out the door. Brutal.  It wasn't as bad when my old babysitter was here with her, but after she went home after the first week and it was just the new one....oh wow. She wasn't havin it. I just told the new one to text when she finally calmed down because otherwise I just wouldn't be able to concentrate. Every morning when I went in her room after she woke up she would ask, "You go work?". I just couldn't lie so I would say Yes.  Once she heard that--it was pretty much tears until I left the apartment. "I don wan you go work"...over and over and over. Not letting me out of her sight and following me.  "You stay wiff me". "I go wiff you to work". Just reliving it now is making me anxious and so sad for her.  And to top off the change for her, I have a new weekend babysitter so I can try to just manage everything I need to do w/ the remodel at the new house. And just breathe. Today I was so tired I took a nap in the L.o.wes parking lot in my time away.

What could I tell her??.....how I've managed is to just acknowledge how she feels. I would tell her that I know it's hard, we had a lot of changes....it is hard moving to all new things, but mostly I would just say, " I know baby, I understand.....I know.......I know".
On top of it all the first week we were here it seemed her bladder infection was back. She was complaining of it hurting again and I called I don't know how many pediatric offices. We are now in the suburbs. Means lots of kids. Didn't think it would be so difficult to get in to see a stinkin doctor w/ a sick kid....well, since we weren't established yet, they just wouldn't work us in. After calling around for over a few hours I said forget it, we are just going to urgent care. Long story short they started her back on antibiotics and said she had another bladder infection, but after meds didn't help and we FINALLY got in to see a pediatrician a week later (after I called back and said listen, we couldn't get in to see you guys a week ago, still problems....and it still took talking to a nurse to get us in).  They did a follow up urine and sent to lab and come to find out they wouldn't have called what the urgent care tested for was an infection because it was below their threshold and theirs tested okay too. So if not a bladder infection, what does she have that is making a strong odor and hurting her? Not sure as of today, even. They suggested we watch and see....then schedule w/ a pediatric urologist. So, the appointment was made for a few weeks out and we will see.

The nanny.  I really don't have the energy to type out all of the things that have happened over the last several weeks w/ her. Let's just put it in a nutshell--she isn't the person for us.  It started with her wanting to start at a later date than we discussed, apparently she wanted to take a trip. Okay fine, I could see that. Then before starting said she wanted to get a sinus surgery and could she do it the second week of starting. Um, no....I worked w/ her on waiting until I could at least get back up. Since starting she sprung on me one morning she needed to go have physical therapy, but no big issue she says, for this and future appointments she could just take the kids...uh, what?  Then another night texted the night before and said she had a 7 am Dr. appointment the next morning (when that is the time she is supposed to be here) the same morning I was leaving the house at 6:00am for a work trip. Guess she needed to see the dermatologist and 'forgot' I was leaving town?  Then texted just the other day the night before and said her best friend was home from college, could she bring her to hang w/ her and the kids. I had texted back saying it would be okay in the afternoon, but not in the morning given how baby girl has had a hard time w/ change. Well, she showed up w/ the friend anyway. Said she didn't get my text. Sure.
Bottom line is she is young, immature, not dependable and seems to have more physical issues than anyone I know at that age....dermatologists, surgeries (several of them), physical therapies, etc etc.. long list of ailments. And, she is still on her parent's payroll. She has a dog-walker when she comes to nanny. The worst part is she had the surgery this past Thursday and texts me on Friday saying she had a bad reaction to something, was heading back to the hospital and wouldn't be able to come to work for awhile, she'd be on bedrest. What?  We had already planned for her mom to come tomorrow because I assumed she wouldn't be recovered. But, with this new wrinkle she said she has to be on bedrest and maybe her mom could watch them until she is better. Oy vey.

The thing is, she had great references and experience working full time as a nanny. It's funny because I had a small little worry when I met her and told a few friends about it...but just couldn't put my finger on it. I think intuition is usually right on....now having worked w/ her for 4 weeks or so, I know why.  It's not that she's not trying w/ the kids, but on top of the dependability issue, she doesn't eem to connect well w/ my girl. My boy, no prob.....he's easy and happy. And only 7 months.
My realtor friend warned me from the beginning that she was too young...but I thought it would be worth trying given no situation is perfect....she will be 20 this year by the way.

So, I've had to start my nanny search again. I talked to my realtor friend again who has a nanny in her family to see if she could network.Well, two popped up that are very experienced. I was set to interview one of them yesterday. I talked to her last week and called her at 8 am yesterday morning just to reconfirm we were set and it went to voicemail. Right then and there I knew she wasn't going to come. Sure enough, no call....no show. JEEPERS.  Then I've tried to tag w/ the second one for a few weeks now and we finally met up tonight. She came at 6pm from a trip back out of town w/ her husband and child in the car waiting for her. Made me feel a bit rushed but at least she made the effort and didn't flake. She has been w/ her current family for about 8 years but the kids are now school aged and they don't need her full time. She wasn't overly warm, but my girl ran right up to her and started talking to her. That's not usual, especially now. She normally holds her arm over her eyes and says, "I shy".  Not sure how this will turn out. She has an 18 month old--can't tell how old she is, late 20's, early 30's? So that makes me somewhat nervous.....will she have another one? How nurturing is she? I know now that I prefer a nanny who is older, preferably w/ their own grown children, and a mother.  I just need that experience for my kids....and for me.

I actually thought we had hit the right one w/ our weekend nanny. She is from England, experienced, great personality, very bubbly and warm.  I hired her for the weekend position and learned more about her current work situation. She is in a daycare that she is not too fond of and it doesn't pay well (hence why she looking for part time on weekends). She knew we were struggling from the get-go w/ our current nanny......so I just put on the table that I'd like her to consider taking us full time. She seemed excited about it, as was I.....but I gave her the job description and the next time she was here I could tell she was apprehensive.....a few things concerned her...the overnights once a month for my work travel (she has a dog), and the shopping w/ the kids.  I could get over the shopping, etc but the work travel I need to do.  I'm sure there was a way for us to work it out i.e. my new weekend person could have done overnights....but I just got the sense this wasn't right for her...right now.  And that's fine. I'd rather have her with us on the weekends and know she is still helping us out.

So, who knows.....it is just so difficult/such a roller coaster to find the right person......and again, there is no perfect person or situation...I even thought about daycare again, but the idea of shlepping two kids out every morning and picking up and having no one to help out w/ the house stuff I need.....it just doesn't seem reasonable. And even though a nanny is super expensive, I feel pretty strongly that's still what we need to do right now.

I'm slowly fading, so I'll just attach some pictures and hope it isn't another month until I post again....
There have been some good moments along the way....
My sister was here to visit (was a good one, she did great w/ baby girl and baby boy, we laughed a time or two which hasn't happened in a while) and she left me w/ a present.  SIDe note: my babysitter left and my sister came the following week. I didn't know I had to go on the work trip when I did so her flight was booked such that I was leaving on Monday morning May 4th and she was leaving on Tuesday May 5th. It worked out good, though, because she was here on one of the overnights where the new nanny had to stay. Well, my sister called me on the trip and said, new nanny has got to go. How's that for not worrying a mama when she is out of town?.
Anyway, my sister left me a present of new pajamas. My girl saw them when I first had them on and said, "What's that?". I told her they were a present from auntie. She looks at me and says, "Aw, that's so special".
HA!

This is her "Smile". Here's me: C'mon, look at the camera, say cheese, open your eyes...baby, open your eyes....Baby....c'mon, just open them.
Ah, forget it.

Although I did get her here....but now, to get the other one to have a smile too? Boy that's askin' a lot.

Hey, I got one!......

So much more to update......

We are a movin'

I'm sitting here in my son's nursery and slowly things are being packed up and taken out of the house. I have a super sad feeling in the pit of my stomach and on the verge of tears several times.  It just seems so final....perhaps because I accepted the job, built the plan to move, and now it's finally here.  This is where I brought my son home to....this is the first nursery I put together before the baby was born! All of our toys are packed up....there are stray puzzle pieces, blocks, plastic thingys. Oh moving is emotional.  I will so dearly miss the support we have here w/ the babysitters and their families. They have been a lifeline for me...my one babysitter was even in the delivery room for my son. She has really treated us like family and I think what has gotten me about leaving here is...I feel that someone has my back, like for real has my back, no matter what happens. If I were to get sick.....if I were to need to travel out of town....if my cat needed emergency vet, whatever comes up I know that I can depend on them.  It's something I haven't felt since my mom passed. That was pure unconditional love and I've been going it alone in terms of responsibility, it seems, since then.  I do everything myself--buy houses, move, have kids, take out the trash, travel, get new jobs, etc. the list goes on and on. I just got to experience having not only physical but some emotional support that was unwavering (at least that's how I feel). I got to experience having someone down the street pop in pretty much everyday.....and love on my kids. Love them and want to spend their free time w/ them--and me.  Maybe just the companionship I will miss a lot. Having another adult to bounce things off of, ask questions about how to do X w/ the kids, ask what could be wrong w/ the baby, someone to go w/ me to the Dr. for all the appointments my kids have had.
Okay now I am crying.....shew-ee.

Deep breaths, it will be okay.  Big picture is I could have stayed here longer, but the education system leaves a lot to be desired and I just don't think private religious school is for me. That's what most folks do around here given the public system is so sub-par. And, job outlook was pretty bleak....the jobs I looked into here had salaries significantly lower than what I can earn in my old city.  Money isn't everything, but I've decided that my current profession helps me pay to have the help I'd like to have w/ raising the kids.  Parenting is dang hard, especially w/ a 2 year old and a baby.  I do enjoy having some professional 'brain time'.
My short term goal was to go back to my industry until my son gets into school, then figure it out from there. That's 5 years. A lot can happen in that time frame. I'll put in the universe I want to our family to remain healthy.

I started my job....I left the kids over here and worked on the 1st, 2nd, then came back for the weekend. When I came back it was sooo tough--my son had an ear infection, my daughter super fussy, my baby sitter had a respiratory infection, and I had strep throat...and my cat was super sick too.  Almost all of us were on antibiotics. I barely had a voice the first few days I was working and swallowing felt like sandpaper. My daughter spiked a fever on the Sunday I was supposed to drive back and I just said no, I just can't leave like this. So, I sent a note to my new boss and said I would fly over that Monday morning. He was totally okay and understood considering he's moved before w/ little ones too. But he has a wife at home managing things. I just flew back this past Saturday morning and the movers are now here today to get going.
Usually bumps in the road w/ the movers....this time it's delivery. They are packing us up today and not able to deliver until Mon/Tues next week. WHAT?! I about lost it. What am I supposed to do w/ 2 kids, a cat, and we won't have our stuff until a week from now.
So, I'm trying to roll w/ it. They are taking our stuff and I am keeping enough to stay in our house until Sat/Sun this weekend. Then me, kids, cat, and babysitter will head the 5 1/2 hour drive to the apartment...have some picnics until we get furniture and tv, new nanny will start on Monday too (I hope). A little nervous about the nanny because she hasn't even started and she asked to move her start date--but that ultimately didn't need to happen--and take 2 days off for sinus surgery in 2 weeks. I negotiated w/ her on waiting an additional two weeks so I could get more settled and back up care in place. She is young....but she has a lot of energy and has a very sweet disposition. Her references were outstanding. This is where I have to go on blind faith and hope it works out....and we just try.  Worst case she's not a fit and I'll have to continue the search. There are no perfect situations and we've had our fair share of ups/downs even w/ the current babysitters.  Both of their daughters have had issues along the way that we've just had to work through.

So I managed to get the apartment, buy a house (closing april 29th), get a nanny, start my new job, hire a general contractor for major house renovation, stop all utilities and start in new place (minus a few), travel back and forth, deal w/ my poorly sleeping children due to sickness and allergies, and see my cat get much much better......thank you lord.

I hear the tape ripping in the other room and they are getting close to finishing the inside of the house. I kept our tv/internet for the rest of the week and some clothes/toys/food, etc. Enough to live off of....I think babysitter will let us bring a recliner down for a few days just so we have something to sit on. I kept a blow up air mattress and a pack/play and rock/play for the 2 kids to sleep in. I am sooo hopeful that if they are still in their rooms, even if in different beds, they might just sleep better than if we were at babysitter's house.
We are going to rent a car for babysitter to drive w/ me.....will need it for all the stuff I kept here.  I am so, so thankful she is coming w/ and staying maybe a week. I learned coming over here that it is just an overwhelming task to move.....and do it by yourself w/ 2 kids would be insane.

We are going to the Dr. on Thursday for my son's 6 month well baby visit. Wow.  He is a droolin' fool and has to have teeth popping soon. He is such a smushy, lovey little guy. And, still take a lot to nap.

Lots of changes....I have to just continue to breathe and stay focused. It will be okay. I have been running on fumes these last several weeks. Even my eyelids have wanted to stay shut when I blink. I seriously have been worried something is wrong w/ them because I have to consciously use muscles to blink back up.

I think we are on to something.....

I just reread several of my last posts and the common theme is lack of sleep--both my son and daughter and therefore me too.  Just last night I had a lightbulb and I think I've got it....

My son.

Not last night but the night before we had the most epic night--and not in a good way. My son had the worst night he's had since being a newborn. He woke up at 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, my daughter at 11-ish, my son at 12, my daughter or son at 1 can't remember and at 3am  my son started crying again so I picked him up to feed him.  THEN he started screaming like I've not heard him scream. I told myself okay, I can handle this....I tried to burp him...he just didn't want the bottle at all. Then I tried shushing him, rocking him, putting him in the stroller, putting him in his rocker, walking him, etc and not one thing was working. I started to get scared/panic a bit because I worried it was a pain cry. His cry was different and he just wouldn't stop. So, I called my babysitter after 45min at about 3:45am...she has always told me to call her if needed and I save it for really rough times. She came down quickly and after another 10 minutes she agreed something might be wrong. She suggested calling the Dr. line, which I did, and all the Dr. said was give him some tyl.enol and gas drops. I basically thought, WHAT? You think that's all this is???
In the meantime my babysitter had put him in his stroller, took him outside, and started hoofing it up and down the street--sometimes the stroller is the only way to calm him. I can hear him inside the house crying outside. I went out and gave him the tylenol and gas drops and my babysitter whisked him around again. I then gave her a break and she came in to check in my girl. I kept thinking the neighbors are going to wake and wonder why a baby is crying outside.
Lo and behold after about a half an hour of this he did finally calm down. Think the Dr. was right.
We came inside, she went back home, and I continued to rock him in the stroller--I did this by propping myself on the couch and held my head up w/ one hand and rocked the stroller w/ the other....back and forth....back and forth.....
THEN at about 5:30am my daughter woke up screaming. THEN my son started really crying again.  At that point I could barely think straight and I simply called my babysitter again and said S.O.S.. I was a total wreck and due to the sheer worry and panic I was feeling and the fact I hadn't slept pretty much all night.  She was back down again and took over w/ my son while I comforted my daughter back to sleep while laying on the floor.  She went home again and my son slept for maybe an hour after that.
Then my daughter was up for the day.

To tell you I was exhausted was an understatement. There is a reason a form of torture is sleep deprivation.

I think back to my girl at this age and I have never had these kinds of issues....just unusual things that cause a momma to panic.  My poor son, not only did that happen night before last, but last night after bath time my babysitter runs out and says come here....he had red welts all over his body and he was crying/itching/scratching.  OH EM GEE.....I started basically to panic again thinking he's having an allergic reaction to something, is he breathing, etc....my babysitter took him to my neighbor who is a retired pediatric nurse and she said as long as he's breathing okay, it must have been something like a contact dermatitis (even though nothing changed in his routine or products except giving him the ty.lenol and gas drops). We put hydro.cor.tisone all over his rashes and he seemed to calm down after getting his bottle.

This poor poor baby.  So, last night after such a steady decline in his sleeping and all the trouble we've been having w/ his eating/tummy issues I thought back to when it all started.  At first I knew it was around the time change but then I realized......it was when we started putting him in his crib.  I think all of the sleeping issues he's had over the past many weeks is due to his reflux acting up again because he's lying down (even w/ one end of his crib elevated).
I tested my theory last night and put him in his rock and .play to sleep which puts him at a 45 degree angle.
Guess what? He woke up at 8-ish, then at 11pm to feed, then slept until 6:15am!!!!!!  He hasn't slept 7 hours in almost a month....about as long as he's been in his crib. I can't say for sure this is what's happening but I have a good hunch it is.  I put him in his crib to begin w/ for two reasons 1) Dr. said he needs more room to move around and 2) I continue to worry about his flat head.
Based on how beyond rough it's been over last month--we're done w/ the crib for awhile and I'll get the kid a helmet to fix his head.

I do want to acknowledge that my girl just may be turning a corner......her major tantrum's have subsided at least for now. She is even whining a 'little' less and we've just been able to play together w/out major issue. Tonight we built castles out of stuffed blocks and made rivers out of paper that came from my shoe box. Great imagination building and she didn't whine the entire time.
She maybe has read this blog because she also has started to become more snuggly and verbally sweet lately. Just today she said to me 'I wuv you mommy' at least 5 times and said 'I missed you mommy' just as many. She came up to me and gave me many snuggles and laid next to me in the bed for awhile and let me hug her AND she came up on the table/chairs set and laid down on my lap while I ate my dinner.
Are we talking about the same kid?
I honestly think she was going through a brain growth phase or just growth phase in general. I can just notice a shift in how she thinks and communicates and I wonder if all of her antics/meltdowns/ attitude, etc. has been tied to growth.  I believe this because I've noticed over the past week or so she is starting to be even more verbal.....her thoughts and commentary is blossoming into a little girl--more like a 3 year old and less like a 2 year old. As an example, I was trying to get a dvd to play and for some reason it wasn't. I said AGH! She said, 'It's okay  mommy, it will be on in just a minute'. Just tonight as my babysitter and I were making dinner I said something 'colorful' and she repeated it. My babysitter and I busted a gut laughing and she looked at both of us deadpanned face and said, 'That's not funny".

Oh and I forgot to mention over the last week: both my daughter and son have head colds; I think something is wrong w/ my poor cat. I found him on my bathroom rug tonight and he won't move off of it--very unusual behavior; I put an offer in on a house; I set up a nanny interview for next week; got my Dentist appt moved for Tuesday morning; scheduled an inspection on the house; shopped almost everyday for a new wardrobe for work and clothes, etc for my children.......I am sure I'm leaving out a thing or two.  All on the limited sleep of no more than about 2-3 hours at a time for weeks. And I start my new job next week.
Tired yet?

After writing all of this out I have to say I am kind of proud of myself. While in the middle of all of it I have just tried to weather the storm....but there really is a crap load of things I am trying to manage.
Kudos to this mama for keeping it together!!

Some Relief

Thanks so much for the comments. It really does help to know that my child's behavior is 'normal' and this is just something we have to live through--and pray to the universe it doesn't last long.
Yesterday we had one.....two.....three....four....five!!! tantrums. I couldn't believe it. I was not on the receiving end of them my babysitters were.  One time my babysitter took her outside because I was trying to get my boy to sleep. She was sooo fired up that she decided to roll underneath the car and not come out. Seriously.

BUT, just when I think it's just out of control she goes and does this: I was sitting in the chair and she walks over w/ outstretched arms and wants to sit in my lap.  Then when I came back from running errands she walks over to me and says "I missed you".  Within all that toddler angst, there is a charming sweet little girl in there.

And today, much much better.....no tantrums at all.  I tried to see if they were tied to sleep/eating, or what...and I can't find a pattern. We really enjoyed each other as I took them to the park to feed the ducks and play on the playground. Interesting social experiment the playground is.....I saw some scary parenting, lack of parenting, and some mean kids/ not very social ones.  I guess I am just used to my child wanting to talk to kids and become 'friends' for the time they are playing. This one little boy kept telling her 'hey girl, I don't want you following me'. I get it they are kids and I stay out of it unless someone's about to get hurt but where are all the friendly kids?
She continues to surprise me too by things she says.....tonight we put her jammies on and I've been putting them on backwards w/ the zipper in back because she continues to take them off. Well, to make sure she can breathe okay I cut a little triangle out of the collar. I had her come over and as I was cutting I started to say, "here...I need to cut this so it doesn't...." and I got distracted and she said "choke me". She totally finished my sentence. It just took be by surprise because that's exactly what I was going to say and she figured out why we were cutting it.

Something I also needed to mention that was a first is that my son actually stood while I was holding him. He actually used his muscles to try and stand rather than have his legs fold like frogs. So exciting.

Something I'm frustrated about is that I am so tired after our sleepless nights that it's hard to get energy to do all the 'fun' stuff I think we should be doing before I go back to work. I have such a prime opportunity to spend time w/ them and on many a mornings all I can think about is more sleep. More sleep.  Reading other blogs I've learned that being exhausted all the time is just part of being a mom to a 2 year old and baby. No amount of napping will make up for the interrupted sleep night after night.  But, today was a perfect example....my babysitter came in the morning so I could sleep a few hours. Then this afternoon I decided to take both of them somewhere (which is a process in and of itself) because I actually felt like I could manage........REST will do amazing things.

We are hanging in there and the reality of it is.....it is so very hard some days. But, those little moments of a snuggle, or a kiss...or a smile....that's what fills me up.

Is there something in the air...still the time change, maybe?

Lord. Have. Mercy.  I wonder how many posts I've started w/ these words.  These last few weeks have been some of the toughest yet. My children aren't sleeping, have been sick, my cat's been sick, and I need to find a new nanny and a new home in my old city.

Let's start w/ my girl. She had the most epic tantrum of her life the other morning. Lasted from 8:30am to 9:15am. Full on screaming/crying/flailing/not able to even listen/spitting/hitting/kicking....you name it. And nothing at all would work to calm her down. Nothing. It started so innocently too. I was sitting in the rocking chair w/ the baby and she decided she wanted to sit there by herself. I said no.  That did it........it was all downhill from there. She yelled 'mommy you go', 'go away' over and over. I used a calm voice the entire time I was so proud of myself....wait a minute, I did yell once when I had to go back to her room and she continued to kick me while I was trying to put a new diaper on her because she had taken hers off and peed on the floor. I have no idea what's gotten into her because the tantrums have been almost one a day. And it can be over nothing. I want water!! Ok, and I give her water. Then she decides no, she wants milk. I say 'I already gave you water'.....cue meltdown.  Perhaps all of this is because she is two and a half, but lord have mercy.
Parenting her is really hard right now.  She changes her mind, says no a lot, meltsdown, doesn't want snuggle wuggle time as much (this one is hard for me, boo). I started to have thoughts about whether our relationship will continue this way.....will she continue to have sparks of defiance and willfullness to not do what I ask her to do?  If I rewind to the beginning, she wasn't a snuggly baby, would rather be in her rocker, whined and still does, has been independent from the get-go. I have said outloud a few times I wonder if she even needs me? So strange to say but she's never been one of those kids to cling to me for dear life--well, she did that once on her second birthday.  I'm not saying I want a needy kid....my baby's feisty and I think that's a good trait. However, it would be nice to just feel her needing me and want to be affectionate/hug and cuddle more.
She's really funny, though, because she will also show signs of being very in tune to my emotions...for example the other day after I said AGH about something and she said, "Mommy, are you frustrated?"...she used those words. Think she learned them from a a show. I told her I was.  Also, if I've yelled or after she throws a tantrum and calms down she'll come and say "Sorry I mad" (sorry I made you mad)....or something to that effect and apologizes, unprompted. I always tell her I am not mad at her but I didn't like her behavior.
She also surprises me by some of the things she is learning....as an example we were playing w/ the cat and I was showing her his teeth. I said, 'look how big his teeth are?'.....and she said 'I have small teeth'.  We were walking through the kitchen today, she looks down at the floor tile and says, 'square'!. Yes, indeed.

Let's face it, she's not an easy kid.  I know she'll continue to give me challenges. What I need to make sure of is that I continue to find ways to let her know and show her that I love her. I tell her regularly and try to hug/snuggle her when she lets me, etc.

Now my son, he seems to get the short end of the stick when it comes to this blog because I sometimes focus on my challenging girl.  He's had some major milestones.....He has started 'talking', rather squealing. I can't handle how cute it is.....he tries to make a sound, tenses his whole body up, and screeches kind of.  And he still smiles sooo much. It is just great to walk in the room in the morning to have that face smiling up at me everyday. I barely have to catch his eye and he starts smiling.
He is becoming a big boy. I had him at the Dr. today and he weighs 18lbs 13oz at 5.5 months old. I took him because we have started to have trouble w/ his eating and sleeping again. It is much like it was when he was a newborn. Up every 2-3 hours at night. I've had him to the Dr. twice and she thinks it is reflux bothering him again. She is not that worried because he is still gaining weight and really it's just a matter of time. This past week we tried the cereal to see if it would help and then the z.ant.ac. Neither seem to make a dent in him flailing his arms after a certain point w/ his bottle and fighting it.  Dr. says it will just take time. Jeepers I thought we were over that phase!
And guess what.......the Dr. saw upper teeth buds!! I had no idea they were there and when the Dr. shined her flashlight on his gums I saw....it was exciting! Normally the bottom come in first so not sure which ones will make their debut, but we will see. He was so charming at the office w/ his smiles and screeching and humming and flailing his limbs.

I had to take a break to go feed my son and am back now.

I am working on finding us a place to live in my old city. My house I kept from the move over here has tenants and their lease doesn't end until April 30 and they want to sign another year's lease.  I've decided that I want to try the suburbs but haven't found a place to buy so I am going to rent a house...I think. I am negotiating w/ landlord now.

Nanny search. This is probably the toughest part about moving. It is such a big deal to me to find the right person so I can have peace of mind when I go to work everyday. I am on a website and have networked w/ friends, etc. Nothing popped up yet and several I've contacted say they've just accepted positions. Jeepers.

Lots to do as I start my new job April 1st. Oh boy!!

A first and toddlers

My son just had a first!! He ate cereal for the first time today. So exciting!!
I've been stalling for awhile mostly because my girl really didn't take to it. She wasn't sure if she liked it...I just looked at our video from then and it was too cute....she did some shakes and shudders and it took awhile before she ate that way.
Not my boy.....I put the cereal in his mouth....he moved it around a little, swallowed....looked like he was deep in thought like "Hmmmm....what is this....do I like....um, yes....like...give me more".  He actually opened his mouth for more after a couple of spoonfuls, I could hardly believe it. The nurse said they have to learn how to eat since sucking from a bottle is quite different, never thought of it that way. Looks like this kid learns quick.  I asked the babysitter to feed him also so I could take some pics too.

Feed me.

I wanted to start out w/ the positive because I have to say this last week w/ my girl has been exasperating. One of the hardest weeks yet.  Mostly because we dealt with sickness the first part of the week and we have had tantrum city like no one's business the latter part.  Just this morning I was on my last nerve and yelled--"we're not doing this again today, I'm sick of it." I feel bad for yelling (wasn't the only time) but it's just been exhausting.  It started last Sunday night/Monday morning when she woke w/ a fever and I took her to Dr.. She ended up having a bad urinary tract infection. She was pretty sick for several days and she had to actually get a boost of antibiotic shots in her legs because her fever wouldn't go down. Well, it took until maybe this past Friday for her to show signs of feeling better. She was up on/off most of the nights, not eating well, just plain sick.  When she was feeling so crummy I relaxed on the bottle rule we have now--bottle in the morning and bottle at night. That's it.  Well, over the last few days she's been throwing herself on the floor, writhing around, yelling, kicking, crying, spitting....when I tell her no, we have bottle in morning and bottle at night. But wait, it hasn't been JUST for the bottle....pretty much anytime I've told her NO for anything she's melted down. She'll get mad, throw something, then tell me to go get what she's thrown....ummmm, no. When I don't get it she starts w/ the tantrums and yells 'I want bottle...bottle.....bottle" over and over again. Serious meltdowns.  Nothing has worked. I ask her, "do you want to go to your room?!" Sometimes she'll even say yes so I pick her up-she starts flailing in my arms-and I put her in her room until she can calm down.  I've tried ignoring her and she'll be on the floor and scoot close to me and try and hit. It's just been ridiculous.  I've said "stop crying" about 50 times a day.

The logical side of me can say that I am sure there is a lot going on in the background for her. She's super tired and it took awhile for her to feel better. It wasn't until just today she ate somewhat normally and that's been 7 solid days. I gave her the benefit of the doubt the last few days because I just wasn't sure if her tantrums were due to still not feeling well, but it's just continued.
The emotional side of me just feels exhausted and spent....let's face it, it wasn't fun this past week. Not at all.  A friend sent me an email link to someone's blog who wrote about being a parent and how it can be amazing, wonderful....and in the next moment can turn you into a woman on the edge of insanity.  Or something to that effect.  I felt better after reading it because she articulated things in a way that just made so much sense. And I felt normal again.

All I can hope is that things get better w/ more food and better sleep.  I haven't even mentioned that my son also decided this past week to go back to waking every 3-4 hours and wanting to get up at the crack of dawn. Good timing, eh?

So I really want to leave on a positive note: we had an impromptu photo session on the couch today.

Uh Mom...I think she's got my ear!

Missed February and Changes

I just had to reread my last few blog entries to figure out where I left off. I can't believe I missed the entire month of February blogging. I am not sure I've ever done that in the several years I've had this blog. I kept telling myself I needed to write but just didn't make the time to do it.  Many reasons for this, no excuses. I've missed writing.

The main reason I've not written is there are a lot of changes coming to our family.
I GOT A NEW JOB! And we are moving back to my old city!!! I did the face to face interview in Jan, I think, and really wasn't sure how it would turn out. I was confident in my abilities/experience, however since I live in another state I was worried that local candidates would be more attractive since relocation not an issue. But, lo and behold I got it! I actually didn't interview w/ any other company because I told myself that if this didn't work out, then I would stay put. I even thought about changing careers again.  It's funny about all the thinking I do...I can tell you what I don't want, but not really what I do want. Something I don't think I want now (at least at these ages) is being a stay at home mom full time (w/ no paid help). For some reason I feel guilty typing this because I think shouldn't we all want this if we can do it? My mom was so amazing, so I should be too, right?  Well, even w/ help it's pretty stressful and honestly I am much better w/ them overall when I get a break. When it is constant I am obviously more tired, irritable, and let's face it, it's exhausting w/ a 2 year old and a baby. It is juggling their needs all day long and w/ a baby that doesn't nap during the day it's hard to manage getting quality time w/ my two year old. Also, when my baby cries I just get anxious. I worry something's wrong, wonder why I can't calm him sometimes....I haven't learned how to relax and be okay w/ the fact that this is just what babies do.

Getting a job offer sounds great, and it totally is, but that doesn't mean I don't still have hesitation. A lot of worry and fear has come up for me since accepting and I've stewed on all of it a lot. So much so that I worried this wasn't what I should do. I worry about leaving my 'nest' of babysitters here who treat us like family. It's been a long time since I've felt supported like this and it freaks me out thinking about leaving it. I have cried many times already.  There is a LOT of stress when moving, starting a new job, and finding new child care--and let's remember I am doing it all by myself. I know how hard it is because I just did it January of last year w/only one child! I went to my old city for a house hunting trip last week and it was disappointing to say the least. The inventory of homes in the area I want is low and the prices are high. So that means I will be moving back to an apartment (w/ two kids) or my old house if my renters don't renew. The issue w/ that is the location of old house and suburb are very far apart and a nanny that would work in one location most likely wouldn't work in the other, so that's been tricky and I haven't figured it out yet. I put an ad on a care website but I haven't responded to anyone yet. Also, an irrational worry was (and sort of is) that the job is what I wanted, in the city I wanted, located close to the suburb I want to live, w the company I wanted, and promo from where I was. A piece of me is thinking, what's the catch?
Something that has contributed to the worry/stress (and maybe the irrational fears) is that shortly after December I was feeling very anxious in general. Different than I have ever experienced. I was worried that something might happen to me and it became intrusive. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from anxiety but what I can say is it is real. I followed up w/my doctor and he thought my medication was just not effective--which could have been caused by all the changes after having a baby, etc. and we should change. I was totally on board, but transitioning is not easy. I am feeling better in general, but not sure we are exactly where I need to be yet. It is a trial and error game.

I know this post is sounding negative after such a great announcement that I got a new job......I'm not sure why but it really has been hard for me--I am just trying to work through all of my fears and worry. Something I thought about this morning is I've learned the most when I stare fear straight in the face and do it anyway. Hard as heck, but that's what I need to focus on. I need to hold tight to what is in the best interest of my kids and long term it is to have them in a school system I want and that we plant some roots. I haven't been able to see our long term future here, so it probably is best we go now. Doesn't mean it won't be super hard.

My son just turned 5 months old and is still not napping and night time sleeping is inconsistent. A new change is that he is now sleeping in his crib overnight. Since he was born I had him in the rocker next to my bed and it really was more of a comfort to me, having him so close. But, the doctor pointed out at his 4 month check up that he needs room to stretch out, etc. and of course she was right. So, we moved him over and he seems to be doing just fine. I still worry about his flat head but she keeps telling me not to. He's up to size 3 diapers and has cute chubby--his arms/legs, etc. I love to just squeeze it....it is so mushy and soft.

Major issue w/ babygirl. I just came back from my trip and woke up yesterday to find my girl had a pretty high fever and she said it hurt to pee-pee. Assumed bladder infection so took her right away to the Dr. and sure enough her fever was at 104 and that's what it was. I've been super worried about her because she's continued to spike fever even w/ the meds the Dr. has prescribed. Last couple of nights have been super tough because she hasn't slept well and neither has baby boy.  Not sure I got a total of a few hours last night, actually....so thankfully the babysitter today watched them both so I could rest several hours.
So far tonight she didn't go to sleep until 745pm, and woke up at 8:30, 9, 9:30 and 10. I've gone in and she's been sweating so I am hopeful the fever is breaking, but I know it is uncomfortable for her. I'm just going to hope she is feeling better tomorrow morning.  Her diaper was dry too, even though she's been drinking a lot so worried about dehydration, kidney issues.

The theme has been worry all the way around.  I know things will be okay, it will get better, etc etc but it's been tough, I have to be honest.  There are a lot of positive things to look forward to and that's what I plan to focus on these next several weeks.