I just had to reread my last few blog entries to figure out where I left off. I can't believe I missed the entire month of February blogging. I am not sure I've ever done that in the several years I've had this blog. I kept telling myself I needed to write but just didn't make the time to do it. Many reasons for this, no excuses. I've missed writing.
The main reason I've not written is there are a lot of changes coming to our family.
I GOT A NEW JOB! And we are moving back to my old city!!! I did the face to face interview in Jan, I think, and really wasn't sure how it would turn out. I was confident in my abilities/experience, however since I live in another state I was worried that local candidates would be more attractive since relocation not an issue. But, lo and behold I got it! I actually didn't interview w/ any other company because I told myself that if this didn't work out, then I would stay put. I even thought about changing careers again. It's funny about all the thinking I do...I can tell you what I don't want, but not really what I do want. Something I don't think I want now (at least at these ages) is being a stay at home mom full time (w/ no paid help). For some reason I feel guilty typing this because I think shouldn't we all want this if we can do it? My mom was so amazing, so I should be too, right? Well, even w/ help it's pretty stressful and honestly I am much better w/ them overall when I get a break. When it is constant I am obviously more tired, irritable, and let's face it, it's exhausting w/ a 2 year old and a baby. It is juggling their needs all day long and w/ a baby that doesn't nap during the day it's hard to manage getting quality time w/ my two year old. Also, when my baby cries I just get anxious. I worry something's wrong, wonder why I can't calm him sometimes....I haven't learned how to relax and be okay w/ the fact that this is just what babies do.
Getting a job offer sounds great, and it totally is, but that doesn't mean I don't still have hesitation. A lot of worry and fear has come up for me since accepting and I've stewed on all of it a lot. So much so that I worried this wasn't what I should do. I worry about leaving my 'nest' of babysitters here who treat us like family. It's been a long time since I've felt supported like this and it freaks me out thinking about leaving it. I have cried many times already. There is a LOT of stress when moving, starting a new job, and finding new child care--and let's remember I am doing it all by myself. I know how hard it is because I just did it January of last year w/only one child! I went to my old city for a house hunting trip last week and it was disappointing to say the least. The inventory of homes in the area I want is low and the prices are high. So that means I will be moving back to an apartment (w/ two kids) or my old house if my renters don't renew. The issue w/ that is the location of old house and suburb are very far apart and a nanny that would work in one location most likely wouldn't work in the other, so that's been tricky and I haven't figured it out yet. I put an ad on a care website but I haven't responded to anyone yet. Also, an irrational worry was (and sort of is) that the job is what I wanted, in the city I wanted, located close to the suburb I want to live, w the company I wanted, and promo from where I was. A piece of me is thinking, what's the catch?
Something that has contributed to the worry/stress (and maybe the irrational fears) is that shortly after December I was feeling very anxious in general. Different than I have ever experienced. I was worried that something might happen to me and it became intrusive. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from anxiety but what I can say is it is real. I followed up w/my doctor and he thought my medication was just not effective--which could have been caused by all the changes after having a baby, etc. and we should change. I was totally on board, but transitioning is not easy. I am feeling better in general, but not sure we are exactly where I need to be yet. It is a trial and error game.
I know this post is sounding negative after such a great announcement that I got a new job......I'm not sure why but it really has been hard for me--I am just trying to work through all of my fears and worry. Something I thought about this morning is I've learned the most when I stare fear straight in the face and do it anyway. Hard as heck, but that's what I need to focus on. I need to hold tight to what is in the best interest of my kids and long term it is to have them in a school system I want and that we plant some roots. I haven't been able to see our long term future here, so it probably is best we go now. Doesn't mean it won't be super hard.
My son just turned 5 months old and is still not napping and night time sleeping is inconsistent. A new change is that he is now sleeping in his crib overnight. Since he was born I had him in the rocker next to my bed and it really was more of a comfort to me, having him so close. But, the doctor pointed out at his 4 month check up that he needs room to stretch out, etc. and of course she was right. So, we moved him over and he seems to be doing just fine. I still worry about his flat head but she keeps telling me not to. He's up to size 3 diapers and has cute chubby--his arms/legs, etc. I love to just squeeze it....it is so mushy and soft.
Major issue w/ babygirl. I just came back from my trip and woke up yesterday to find my girl had a pretty high fever and she said it hurt to pee-pee. Assumed bladder infection so took her right away to the Dr. and sure enough her fever was at 104 and that's what it was. I've been super worried about her because she's continued to spike fever even w/ the meds the Dr. has prescribed. Last couple of nights have been super tough because she hasn't slept well and neither has baby boy. Not sure I got a total of a few hours last night, actually....so thankfully the babysitter today watched them both so I could rest several hours.
So far tonight she didn't go to sleep until 745pm, and woke up at 8:30, 9, 9:30 and 10. I've gone in and she's been sweating so I am hopeful the fever is breaking, but I know it is uncomfortable for her. I'm just going to hope she is feeling better tomorrow morning. Her diaper was dry too, even though she's been drinking a lot so worried about dehydration, kidney issues.
The theme has been worry all the way around. I know things will be okay, it will get better, etc etc but it's been tough, I have to be honest. There are a lot of positive things to look forward to and that's what I plan to focus on these next several weeks.
No comments:
Post a Comment