YAY!!

After a year and a half of looking and researching and getting bids....I FINALLY ordered new windows for the house! We live in a one story, 2400 sq ft 4 bedroom house (with no usable attic and no basement). There are about 27 windows--which is also crazy, and why our house is so not energy efficient. It's a classic brick ranch style and was built in early 90's. It has the old school, builder-grade, single pane aluminum windows and we've just been living with them since 2015. In the summer you can just feel the heat come through, and in the winter the cold. It's almost like having no windows. Well, in the back kitchen there is not a full window because it's still broken in two places from soccer balls. I just put up cardboard and duck tape until I could decide what to do. I did put on solar screens several years ago, but it truly does not make much of a difference. I am always hot in the house during the summer and because we have no energy efficiency, we can't keep the AC lower than 74 or it will run all the time. Can't tell you the number of times my kids have found me laid out on the living room floor with the fan on 3 dots power to cool me down. Another fact--my son and I took a thermometer into my bedroom--with a wall of 5 windows and the furthest away from the AC unit.  It registered over 80 degrees when the sun was setting. And that's with the thermostat at 74.

So, it was time.  I was just tired of being hot all the time...since living in the south, that's just how it is most of the year with the summer being unbearable. Total bill with installation is 27 thousand dollars.  Yes, it hurts to even type that out. The bids came back from the cheapest type windows at 20 thousand, to some triple pane premium windows at 34 thousand.  I ended up right in the middle. Down payment made and they should come in about a month.

Part of why it took me so long is a) I really struggle making decisions and b) it involved a lot of money. The more money something costs, the harder of a decision it is for me.  Also, I've been in real estate long enough to know that there is no return on investment w/ windows i.e.  I could list the house for sale today at the same price with or without new windows. So, it became a decision of--are we going to stay in this house longer term?? I've struggled with that question on and off since coming to live here in 2015--hard to believe it's been 9 years now. My son learned to walk in this house and my daughter was just 2 when we moved in. This is the home they will first remember. 

If I'm honest, it wasn't what I pictured for me raising kids--the suburbs of a major city. There is a lot of traffic, the interstates are16 lanes in some places, etc..and I guess I thought I would raise them similar to how I grew up--small-er town, a bit more of a community where most people know each other. Over the years I've looked at real estate back in the midwest both in my home state, and where my cousins/aunt/uncle live....and it never really felt "right". I would get itchy about moving, then it sort of waned w/ all that's happened over the last 9 years--hurricanes, covid, school, etc.. We live in a cul de sac where we do all know each other and over time it's become welcoming. In addition to that, and maybe most importantly, my kids are happy. They have friends in school, we live where they can walk or bike to friends' houses. I'm in no rush to disrupt that at all. I don't have a big enough reason to--even the heat and wanting more space isn't really enough.

So, the longer we stay put, the longer this is just home for us. Although none of us like the extreme heat, we've settled into life here pretty well. All that to say, I decided there is no big push for us to move anywhere else, which means its time to invest in making things more comfortable while we live here. That's also the reason why I've considered the kitchen renovation project. We currently have a huge fireplace separating the kitchen from living. We never use it--it makes the kitchen tight/very hard to maneuver when there is more that one person in there. Over the last year I've gotten structural plans/talked to several contractors....and am now at a point where I need to either do it, or not. It's a big project and of course, very pricey. The pros are that we would be able to build a massive island and actually use it--plus have more space in the kitchen. The walls also need repainting because while I did a lot of cosmetic work before moving in 9 years ago, tastes have changed and I realized back then I liked the 90's more than I thought--me and my spice orange kitchen and beige/gold walls. I also need to refurnish the house because our current set up is falling apart. Literally stuffing coming out of the sofa. But, it makes no sense to replace all the furniture if we are repainting/renovating. I'm almost there....and I've decided since I'm staying at home now, there is no better time. My thoughts keep revolving around doing the house projects while I can, then think about going back to corporate america or something else after all of it is done. Way too much to do when trying to work also so it truly is the best time to do it. Time will tell if I can get over the hump and just do it.

Until then, I'll be a full time taxi driver for my kids going to camps. They finished up the outdoor learning center camp--it was only 1.5 hours for each of them but of course one's was at 9:30-11:00 (it filled up before I could register my second one), so my son went at 11:00-12:30. Then last week on top of that my daughter started a strength and conditioning camp at the highschool from 12-2 just for jr high kids who are going to play sports in the fall. She's oh so sore, but is really liking it.  This week she can't go due to the stem camp from 8-3. Today was the first day, so I do hope she liked it. I'm about to pick her up, and it's 20 minutes from here. That 6:50am alarm came awfully early this morning. She wanted to be up early so she could take her time getting ready. sigh. My son started vacation bible school from 9-12 all this week...he was able to get in the same class as James, so I was glad about that. We will share pick up duties, which helps both of us.

So far it's been a good summer....they both liked the the first outdoor learning camp that was two weeks, today is the first day of the next camps, and next week basketball camp. Of course not at the same time my son 8:30-11:00 and my girl from 1-4 Mon-Wed. I'd much rather we all stay busy because idle team means much more arguing. Not interested in that!

Summer 2024!

Wow. It's been two months again and summer break has already started. I've come to realize that if I'm not feeling that great, I just can't muster it to put a post together. But, it bothers me and I think about it often, tell myself I'm glad that i've posted after I do....but alas. Here we are.

Kids got out of school last Thursday May 23 and it already feels like weeks....maybe it's just having them home 24/7, maybe it's the fact that we've been so busy....we went to a hotel as a staycation to kick off the summer from Sunday to Monday holiday. It really was nice with an indoor pool, kids behaved-not much bickering, and the nice cold air conditioning. Since the temps have already reached 'feels like' over 100 here in the south, it's miserable already. The humidity just...it's just so much. I'm finding the older I'm getting the less heat tolerant I am. When I go to the grocery store I come back drenched in sweat and literally feel like I worked out. It's not fun.

The end of 6th grade and 3rd grade wrapped up fast and furious. I was SO SO proud of both of them. My girl was invited to a special awards ceremony at school where several honors were given out. She was selected for the honors theater award. Her theater teacher really has taken to her and it's been great to watch her love of theater grow. We also had a theater banquet to honor those who were graduating 8th and new members of the thespian society. She wanted to dress up for both, so our friend Amy had given us the cutest denim dress that we thought if we put a belt with it, it would look great. However, it was still a bit boxy, so we decided to get it tailored into an A line. She had never been to a tailors before so the experience was super fun. Standing in the mirror, getting it pinned, trying on the final result a few days later, and watching her look in the mirror and seeing her whole body smile--she felt pretty. Those are the moments. My girl has this fabulous mane of long brown spiral-y curly hair. She's never worn it down to school for anything. Well, I talked her into doing it for the banquet AND the awards ceremony....and she looked stunning. Like a totally different kid--sandals, denim dress, gorgeous curls, and a little belt to boot.  When she went to school for both events her friends who had never seen her like that were just So surprised/screamed and told her how beautiful she was. Even her teachers did as well--her favorite Mrs. Jackson told her she wishes she had hair like that. (Me too, I always wanted a big beautiful head of hair, but mine is thin and doesn't grow out long very well).  What was the most touching was to see my child not just look beautiful but FEEL beautiful. She ended the last quarter with all A's (even in Math, her toughest subject). She's really blossomed over this year...her confidence, her personality is coming out more--she is very witty. She's a one liner kind of kid and a find myself cracking up, even though she doesn't know why I'm laughing--she's not trying to be funny, but just is. On a random note today we just went to get her eyebrows threaded...and it looks really good. If she doesn't groom them they are dark, the complete opposite of mine. Mine are white. Even though I have brown-ish hair which I highlight blonde, you still can't see my eyebrows! Although I haven't had my hair colored in about 6 months and I'm noticing how much more grey is growing in. Sigh.

My son also had several end of year events....he had a basketball team celebration, I'm not sure I mentioned but he played in Jan/Feb on this team and they started out really rough. Some kids not super focused, dancing on the court. BUT, after weeks of play they ended up winning the championship! The thrill of watching those last two games was so. Much. fun. I've got the end of the game on video--me screaming. The coach wasn't able to have the party right after the season, so we just had it recently. We also celebrated end of season of soccer--this one didn't go so well. A lot of the boys who have been on this team for a few years have peeled off and are starting to play club.  That's a whole other subject about youth sports here. It's NUTS. Like, kids start specializing in a sport in 3-4th grade and play all year long in clubs when not playing in school. And these clubs are like 2k+ a year. Our smaller league we've been so fortunate to play in for the last several years is like $130/season. We've been SO lucky to have coach Michael and coach Aaron (two dads of the kids on his team) they are the best--very positive, knowledgeable and have taught the boys a ton. Sadly, both of their boys are going to play club in the Fall so our team and coaches are now disbanded. I knew it would happen at some point, but I had hope coach Michael would do one more season as his son just isn't that great at soccer. I was surprised to see them move him to club, but hey, to each his own. Coach Michael really took a liking to my son and spent a lot of time working with him.  I ended up sending a text to the coaching letting them know how much I appreciated them over the years and that while my son doesn't have a Dad, they've been such good role models for him. Those guys really were great. 

My son also had an end of year party at school, a celebration of learning. I've learned that for some reason, my son doesn't like these parties and tends to be irritable and grumpy. I think he's got a bit of social anxiety and feels embarrassed a lot, etc.. Well, he was extra grumpy at this one and didn't even come over to talk to me--and yes, he did ask if I could come. My son has really struggled with his attitude/irritability lately and it seems to be getting worse.  He's gotten into arguments with Ata quite a bit and so much so that his mom texted me yesterday after they were playing saying my son wasn't being kind. And he wasn't. It's starting to affect his relationships. I'm not sure if he's going through a phase, or what, but it's noticeable. He verbally lashes out and is quick to anger.

As for me, I'm feeling a bit better. I changed medication and we increased dosage a few weeks ago. I do think it is helping. I was able to scramble and get camps set up mostly for the month of June and July perhaps trip to Amy's for the kids. It was competitive getting into one outdoor camp in that it filled up in minutes. So crazy. They are also going to do basketball camp, vacation bible school for my son, and my girl is going to do a stem camp. I think it will go well. I've picked back up on my house projects and am "this" close to ordering windows after over a year. I'm also pretty close to saying we are going to do the house remodel this summer. Seems I've gotten some energy back in order to keep things moving along. I'm still not sleeping that well, so I'd like for that to improve. I still need to buy a new bed. My tenants at the rental house are moving out after a year and a half so going to get that sorted this week to relist.

Well, we are off to the orthodontist for both kids. My girl in braces, my son his retainer. He's lost one of them so need a new one.

Here's to a great summer! Albeit hot and sweaty!

Option 3

I take my kids to school every morning, well...my son to the bus stop at 7:35am.  His stop is not far at all from the house but far enough where I don't want to get dressed, deal with rain, mosquitos, cold, fog...any kind of element, I'm not having it at 7 in the morning. So, I drive him to the stop. I enjoy those times in the morning because it's just him and I. He's not arguing with his sister, provoking her relentlessly....we just get to chat without distraction.

We have very similar personalities where we find the same kind of things funny...are quite silly together, love sports, are competitive, and I think we enjoy being around each other. And sometimes kids say the darndest things. Yesterday when I drove my son to the bus stop we were sitting there, he starts in the back seat, and when we park he jumps up to the front seat, usually turns the seat heater on. Well, he looks at me and says, "Mom, I don't think you are going to do anything today". I'm not sure if it's because sometimes I say I did nothing that day regularly, or just how I tired I looked...not sure. But, he was so right.  I slept most of the day yesterday.

Picking up from last post I ended up going with Option 3 and seeing my old Dr. to tell him how awful things have been for the last 3 months...really just not good at all.  We talked through a variety of options and decided to transition to a new primary medication. I've started that for the last few weeks and while I think I feel slightly better, I do not feel any better or different with being tired all the time and having no motivation. I don't think we are on the right track.  I'm holding out because I did end up making a new patient appointment with an in network dr. that had something end of March, and here we are....so will see how that goes and what he suggests.  We've had some nice spring weather here so I couldn't justify staying in the recliner all day today so I did just go and take a 30 minute walk and then 15 minute stretch, then shower. It's at least something.

I find that when mom is struggling a bit, the kiddos aren't too far behind.  My girl has been struggling w/ her anxieties again over the last couple of months. She's really hard to read sometimes because she internalizes things and has a hard time verbalizing how she's feeling. I think talking about anxiety in and of itself makes her anxious. I am looking at going to a therapist again with her, but she has to be able to talk, that's the whole point. She also got physically sick for about a week with a stomach bug after spring break and that was absolutely miserable for her.  Started last weekend with fever, aches, etc.. and then the stomach issues. However, she can't stand the thought of missing school so she pushes herself to go, even when she should stay home. I did keep her home one day last Monday, but by Tuesday she said she was well enough to go. I let her, and had her wear her watch so she could text me if things got worse...by the time she got home I could see all over her face it was rough. Good thing is a she did finally get better after about a week.

We've had a few issues at her school I'm sad to say. In January my girl took her new b and b works spray to her gym locker. She forgot to lock it and the very next day it was gone. Well, fast forward a month ago she asked if she could buy with her own money a S.T.A.nley cup. It's all the rage and I had no idea what they were. Apparently "everyone" has one. I thought why not, so she picked it out, it's a beautiful tie dye blueish color and she couldn't wait for it to come. I'm sure you can see where this is going...once it came she was SO excited and thrilled--I have to say even I was impressed. Very cute. She had only taken it to school about a week and one day forgot it at the lunch table. She went back to look after she remembered and it was gone. She came home after school in tears when she told me the story. I told her to not give up, perhaps someone turned it in, and I would call the school the next day.  I have to hand it to the school, I called and reported it at about 9:30am and by 11:30 I had a voicemail by the assistant principal telling me they found it, were getting it back to her, and the student was being assigned discipline. Turns out a kid did steal it. The thing is, her name is on the bottom so they knew. And now the cup sits nicely on our counter everyday because she's too worried to take it to school. I get it. It's violating when someone takes your stuff. I just hope she'll eventually feel better and take it again. UGH! She's got about 800 kids grade 6-8 at her school so it's not a big school, not small....but we never had any issues in elementary. Guess this is the type of stuff you start to deal with when they get older. Sigh.

Her brother can be so sweet (when he chooses to) ...when he heard his sister say her cup was stolen he went to our grocery list and wrote in big letters "MUST S.T.A.Nley". I asked him what that was about he and said we absolutely needed to get her another cup and he would even spend his own money to buy her one. Such a sweet soul. Thankfully she did get it back. He stayed home last week a few days too because it was after spring break and I think he was just worn out. The time changed messed with us all, as well. He's in 3rd grade and I don't much worry about what he'll miss. Anyway, I had brought him a requested sprite and as soon as I brought it to him he jumped up and poured half of it in a cup and ran it into his sister who was laid out on my bed. He also notices if she's cold and without a word will get up and wrap her in a blanket.

He can also be very not sweet. I think he's going through some phase, or something, but he's been very irritable again and sometimes downright not nice. He can be very negative, focusing on what he didn't like about practice, or who did something at school he was mad at. He also likes to complain a lot and whine a lot. It can be a bit much to be around when I'm the opposite and try to focus on what did go well, what's something he did like at school. Yesterday when he came home from practice he was in a massive mood. I was supposed to make chicken noodle soup but ended up having tamales. He was so distraught because of this change and unleashed by yelling.  He struggles to find an outlet for his anger sometimes. It was not fun. To be fair, after I told him I was upset by his outburst he went to the table and drew me a picture and apologized for hollering. I thanked him, and it was over. I find that he very much writes his feelings and thoughts--it's much easier for him than talking.  I'm constantly finding notes and pictures and letters. If that helps him, I'm all for it.

We had a busy spring break (week of March 11) the weekend prior the kids stayed at a hotel with Amy who was in town preparing for her sister's surgery, then all week we had dentist appointments, my son went to a movie with Aarav, my girl went golfing w/ Parker, I took a group of girls and my son roller skating, my son had an allergy appointment, I took the kids mini golfing, my girl had a dr. appt, she went to a birthday party (likely where she picked up a bug--those jumpy/bouncy places are the worst), and a sleep over at Parker's, and my son had an ortho appointment because his wire broke. Then the kids got sick after all that.

So, overall we are hanging in there. I'm just realizing that the kids are only in school another 2 months and they'll be home for the summer! AGH I need to look into some camps, etc. to keep them busy. Last summer went quite well with balancing some structured camps, with some downtime. My girl has requested basketball camp as many as she can....next year in 7th grade she's decided she wants to try out for the school team, so good on her. I haven't pushed it at all because she really likes to make up her own mind and learn her own lessons. I was the same way so I get it.  I have to say I'm also impressed with how well she adjusted to middle school. I was very much worried at the beginning of the year about how will she stay organized--I tried to encourage a planner but she just didn't take to it. To her credit, she has gotten all her assignments turned in and stays on top of her work. She does homework at school so I hardly see her do it at home. I can access her assignments and grades online so I know she's putting in the work. I asked her how she keeps it all organized and she said she just remembers what to do and when it's due. Been a long time since my brain was that clear to have that good of a memory. She's taking all AP classes and is getting A's in everything except B's in math. That's totally fine with me. She's very on top of her grades because she wants to be sure she stays eligible to do theater. She's also pretty hard on herself--at times she doesn't do well on math tests or some of the work and gets discouraged easily.  I even thought about getting her a tutor, but her teacher didn't think she needed it. She struggles a bit more with tests in general, but because she does great on her other work, it is balancing out. I'm very proud of her and have told her often. The first few months were a learning curve, but I'd say she's picked it up and is thriving.  That is about all I could ask for this year.

As for me, I'm still hoping I feel better soon. I've got a lot of things in my head I'd like to do like organize the kids' papers they brought home from school for several years that line my bedroom. Boxes I'd like to empty, house projects I'd like to do....but in due time. I need to allow myself the time to just be and not pressure to be good. It's ok. I'm also in my feelings about the kids growing before my eyes. My girl is now 5'2" if not taller by now and weighs about 100 lbs--she's very lean and has legs for days like a colt. Her brother is not far behind in that he's put on some weight and is at 93lbs and about 4'8". He's just a solid boy. Very thick. I looked at him this morning and he just grew. Some days are like that where they just look older. Taller. Different. I'm believing now that yes, indeed, it sure goes fast. My kids are not littles and we are past that stage. I do like many things about them being older, conversations, a bit more independence, etc.....but it just doesn't stop. One phase turns into the next and in a few years  I won't even have an elementary kid anymore. Yikes.  I don't know how to embrace these changes without the sadness and feeling like I'm losing something that I will never get back. There's so much to look forward to, but there's also so much that's happened already. I don't think about these changes all the time, but when I look at pictures, old videos, etc.. it's hard not to shake my head and how much has changed these last 12 years. Perhaps I'm also thinking forward to a milestone birthday of 50 next year. What the heck, how did I get this "old"?

MIA

Wow it's been over 2 months since I've written a post. I think about it all the time, but just don't have it in me to write one. It's been a really tough go over the last several months, for me in particular. 

I'm not sure I mentioned, but after I spent time going to a personal trainer last year and still struggling to feel better, I realized it was time to try changing up my primary medication. I think I've spent a long time being mildly depressed with anxiety and not really realizing it because I wasn't sad. My symptoms showed up as being tired all the time, even after a lot of sleeping, and having no motivation do much of anything other than what I had to do. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for years (on/off since 2003 whenever I lived here) and I think over time, he hasn't been a good fit for me anymore. I don't think he was really listening to me with my continued symptoms and his approach for the last 3 years was to change things around the primary medication--try adding more, add in this one, add in that one. It wasn't until I changed a lot of behavioral things last year that it dawned on me that no, I'm not doing as well as I could be and something more substantial needs to change.

I started down that path with the Dr. last year and he suggested a new primary medication, but then rather than continue with him because of my unhappiness with him over time, I decided I wanted to try a new Dr. in network with my insurance. So, with new Dr. (nurse practioner NP) we attempted to make the change to the new primary one my Dr. recommended. That started in November last year and continued up until a few weeks ago.

In summary, it was not good at all. Well, the first two weeks was actually great! I started to see I had more energy, things just felt "lighter", I was so excited because I got out the exterior Christmas lights for the bushes that I hadn't used in a few years...it was the beginning of just feeling much better.  However, things took a turn when I started to decrease the primary medication (which I've taken the brand of since 2015)--no matter how fast or slow we went, I had a lot of side effects...a lot of dizziness, vertigo, headaches, flu like symptoms....so we'd make progress in decreasing, then due to feeling terrible, we'd have to increase to feel better, then try decreasing again. It took a few months and I still hadn't completely stopped. At the same time, we increased the new medication from its introductory dose and it just wasn't working i.e. wasn't picking up where the old one left off. It was very finicky in terms of you needed to take w/ food, and literally at the same time otherwise you'd start to feel sick. On top of the other symptoms it became miserable. In addition, I felt extremely irritable and out of sorts....for many weeks. Even my skin was breaking out and I got rashes, etc..  It's been awful. I'm not sure I've ever felt worse. In addition to that, a month ago my "new" NP said she's leaving the practice and I need to find a new provider. Big. Fat. Sigh.

The thing that's challenging is in network providers take months to get into. Their only advice was pick a new provider and they'll send the referral. The earliest any new provider could take me was end of March.  WTF. So I've felt a little stuck, to say the least. I decided to go back up on my old primary medication and hopefully feel good enough until I can figure out my next steps. My options are to 1) just wait until new appt end of March 2) Go to an out of network provider and pay hundreds for each visit, and no one I found had an appointment until last week of March anyway or 3) go back to old Dr. and tell him we tried new rx and things aren't working.

My plan was to stay w/ option 1, but this last week has just been awful.  I'm barely functioning, all I want to do is sleep, and sleeping makes me feel that much worse. I've also gained more weight considering all the inactivity and eating I've been doing. That doesn't help either because I've also been suffering from plantar's fasciitis in my left heel for over a year but over the last few months it's progressed from hurting just while walking to hurting a lot of the time. It feels like someone is stabbing you with a hot knife. 

Chronic pain, extra weight, skin issues, mental health challenges....it's a lot to handle. It really is. At this point, hard to tolerate so I decided to at least check back in with my old Dr. this Friday. I could easily get an appointment and honestly, it's not even about the money because he's hundreds as well. It's at least something and maybe he'll have some suggestions on what we can do.

It's not easy to share about these issues...it feels very vulnerable. that's why I haven't written about them. I know this is an anonymous blog but I think a few people know me in IRL. 

I didn't even write about the holidays, but suffice to say they were fine. My sister came down as usual. They were a bit less exciting this year as my girl is in 6th grade now and things changed for her about Santa and the holiday. She didn't even want to go get Santa pictures, so we've stopped that tradition.  It was a bit crazy for me tracking gifts so I started a spreadsheet. I know I know. Our friend Amy normally comes at New years but that was a bit of an issue this year. She could have come, but she's not the best at being up front and made up a few reasons why she couldn't. It's fine. She's got a lot on her plate her sister was diagnosed with esophageal cancer late last year so she's started up with a cancer center here in town and they've traveled back and forth for treatment. She's about to have surgery next week.

Things have been absolutely crazy with the kids and their schedules...they both are in braces (my girl started phase 2 in December) so there is ortho, my girl decided to do another theater production a musical Flapper so she was in that (instead of playing basketball)--it was intense with more rehearsals, more weekends, more evenings...these last two weeks before the show it was nuts with after school until 7, the shows all weekend. On top of that my son has been playing basketball so he's got practice twice a week and games on Saturday...last week soccer started so it's overlapped with basketball and theater. I feel very much like an uber driver as I take the kids every morning, picking them up for any appointments (my girl had ortho yesterday because a lollipop broke 2 of her brackets), then picking up my girl after school every day due to theater schedule. And of course the kids are quite worn out and tired themselves so attitudes haven't been great at all.

I also had been looking at a job that was close by, I really liked my discussions w/ them...but decided to withdraw because it would entail too much travel. I just couldn't see myself being able to manage work life with the travel and decided it really does need to be the right thing for me to go back to work. It's a lot of pressure to manage a job and a household. And frankly, now is just not the time until I can start to physically and mentally feel better. I've turned my attention to some projects in the house like new windows and removing the fireplace, but even those projects take a lot of decision making and leg work....both of which I don't want to do much of right now. On hold as well.

I'm just really hopeful I can start to feel better soon....

At least something on the humorous side: last week I overheard my son talking to his fried Aarav while they were playing soccer in the cul-de-sac. He told Aarav that two girls like him. He said, "One is Tessa and she wants to marry me. She keeps saying all these love things like: Are you the climate because you are so hot". Omg. 3rd graders. To be fair, my son is handsome and will likely have girl problems. At least at this age it's just cute. Let's keep it at cute.

Holidays

Holidays can be great!!  AND......they can have a lot of hard moments mixed in with the great ones.

I just got a christmas card from Elaine. She is the mother of the 3 girls I grew up with in our small, tiny town. I think they moved there when their oldest (who is my age) was in 2nd grade. Of course having a class size of 33, you get to know all the kids and all the families really well throughout the years. And yes, everyone knows your business.  I played sports growing up, which started in junior high. I was always playing with the 3 girls as they were right next to each other in age my age, one year younger, then one year younger than that. We played track, basketball, volleyball, and softball--all sports, all year long. We would sometimes carpool to games--I remember being in their suburban driving home one winter evening after a game, my mom in the front passenger seat,and it was so cold, snowy, and icy that we slid off the road. Elaine simply put the suburban in 4 wheel drive and back on the road we went. We also had sleep overs at their house in their basement...I remember their Dad was always a goofball and somewhere along the way I got the nickname "sleaze". Of course meant in the most endearing way.  Elaine was the secretary at the school so I literally saw her everyday my whole school life. Throughout the years of me moving around pre-kids, when I would fly home I would always go visit them and keep them updated on life. I went to their oldest daughter's wedding (which she has since divorced long ago and recently got remarried)--and her daughter is now married! 

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm less close with the girls and it's really been Elaine that I've stayed in close touch with over time. There's something about the bond you build with people who knew you since you were a small child. Nothing now can mirror that history. She's definitely a motherly figure who's remained constant. She knew my mom really well and that bond is there too.

Elaine has always sent birthday cards and christmas gifts to the kids since they've been born. It always warms and touches my heart that she always includes us in celebration. Last year when we went home to stay with my sister my kids actually got to meet her at the farm of my 4th grade teacher. She had aged a lot since the last time I had seen her--she's in her 70's now. She had struggled with weight and was very heavy for a number of years...had surgery, lost, then gained, then lost again....I know the feeling.

Well, Elaine sent us a Christmas card and I've been crying ever since I opened it.  She put a short note in there that she might not have thought twice about....it said "Hi kiddo, To one of my favorite daughters. Come visit. I meant it."

It absolutely struck me how long it had been since I read the word daughter.......and it meant me.

I just started crying and haven't stopped since.  My heart strings were tugged and lots of emotions surfaced about missing my mom. And it's just all spilled out.

It probably doesn't help that I'm probably a bit vulnerable as my son has been really sick these last few days....started friday of last week and has gotten progressively worse by the day. He's not sleeping, coughing. I took him to Dr. yesterday and he does not have strep, and we didn't test for flu since it's been over the 48 hours so the course of treatment wouldn't change anyway. He's missed school all this week. 

So yeah, holidays can be amazing...and hard...and great..all at the same time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The kids went back to school today after the long holiday week off.....and overall it was...nice. We didn't go anywhere and the only thing I had to do was buy brussels sprouts....I literally just learned something--my entire life I thought is was brussel sprouts with no S on the end, but the red line kept coming up saying it was spelled wrong. I looked it up and sure enough there is an S on the end of it--brusselS sprouts.  Who knew? 

So, I knew I didn't want to fly anywhere and just wasn't sure what we were going to do. Around Monday last week our neighbor mentioned their extended family (5 of them) were coming to visit and we were more than welcome to join them for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Secretly I had been hoping we were going to be invited because I was wanting a bigger get together than our immediate family, but didn't want to cook or travel.  We've done a lot of different things to celebrate this holiday--gone to our extended family in Wisconsin, gone to New Orleans to visit friends, stayed at home and made a full spread, stayed at home and did a staycation night at a hotel....and that's also what we decided on this year. We decided to do the hotel on Wednesday to Thursday, then we'd meet up with our neighbors on Thursday afternoon.

We tried a new hotel this year which took a lot of convincing w/ the kids. They are set on the E hotel, since we've gone to both of the close ones over the years. However, I was not thrilled w/ their pool situation (not heated and not super clean) so I decided we should go to a homewood suites. I used to stay at them all of the time when I traveled to Colorado for work and I just loved the 2 room suites, the full size kitchen, having dishes, etc.. They are usually pretty nice. AND, it did not disappoint. The biggest hit was their gym.  My son has been asking and asking to be able to do a treadmill, etc. It was fully equipped with cardio and weights so we spent 3 separate trips to it enjoying the new experience--well, me supervising and coaching them. They also had a put put green which we did a few times as well. And finally swimming in the morning on the next day. What was great is that we got to do the activities all by ourselves with noone else around. The hotel was full as was seen at the social Wednesday evening (best chocolate cake ever I let the kids have 2 pieces!), and at the breakfast the following morning. But, it didn't feel like it at all. I think the only bummer was I gave the kids the king bed and I slept on the pull out...kinda not the best sleeping arrangement, but I tried to get some rest, and woke up awfully stiff. Both kids enjoyed it and said YAY to coming back again sometime.

After we left the hotel we had to stop at the grocery store on Thanksgiving day to pick up the brusselS sprouts, cinnamon sticks (per request from neighbor), and ingredients to make corn casserole (my contribution). I didn't realize just how many people are last minute shoppers like us to where it was unbelievable crowded from parking lot to store to checkout. Couldn't wait to get outta there.

The holiday itself was nice--we went to neighbors around 3pm with warm corn casserole just baked. This is a good example of a time when I'm actually glad my kids are older. The guests had 3 kids ages 5, 3, and 1. You have to actively supervise, chase, cut up food, etc. which I gladly watched the mom do (ok I did go after the baby a few times as she climbed the stairs)...but I remember those days and it always seemed stressful to me trying to wrangle the kiddos all by myself. I remember feeling quite anxious, especially at someone else's house worried what they were getting into...sweating a lot.  This year I got to kick back, watch everyone else run around, and enjoy myself while my kids played quite well with the neighbor kids and checked in with me every now and then to give me hugs and kisses. I didn't move from that spot only to get more food for 4 hours. Of course I did ask if I could help in the kitchen, etc. but when they said no, I gladly walked back out.  Our other older neighbor couple came as well (well I kinda organized that one) because the woman told me she was so sad because all of her kids weren't coming this year as they always do. I said she should come with us to the other neighbor but she didn't want to invite herself. So, I texted them and asked them to invite her....it worked out really well. I sat next to them for most of the time and all the adults just gabbed, answered questions from some card game....and just enjoyed the food.

On top of that, I actually put up my outside christmas decorations before even December 1st! I haven't put the bushes lights on in many years, but I guess I had a bit more energy to just go for it. My girl also got all the holiday inside decorations out and I let her go to town. She loves decorating...well, just that part. She doesn't like the cleaning and preparing to decorate part. Our tree is up with just lights for now...our regular lights of 8 years finally gave out so had to buy new, and of course I'm particular about how bright they are ( I like the very dim), I had to buy a few sets to get the right ones.

Of course nothing is without a few bumps...last weekend the kids were starting to really go downhill in behavior...lots of bickering, arguing with me, etc and I kinda had to set 'em straight. It was getting to the point where no matter what I asked them, there was a murmured comment or outright backtalk about why they shouldn't have to do XYZ. It wasn't pretty as I got upset Sunday night and as were were driving into town on Monday morning for an appointment, I told them we were having a family meeting in the car. Before we left I asked them to think about how things were going and be prepared to share their thoughts and feelings. I started off by saying I was disappointed in their behavior, I thought they were acting disrespectful, gave them examples, etc. Then I had both of them take a turn to express how they were feeling. Then, I asked them to think about what they needed from the other people and each got a turn to say, Mom, I need you to X, Brother, I need you to X.....then finally, we wrapped it up with what each person was going to work on. I was SO SO proud of that meeting because it was one of the first times my girl really openly shared her thoughts and feelings, and verbalized them without significant prompting, and my boy was able to share a few things with his sister that she likely didn't realize i.e. that she shuts him down a lot when he tries to speak. She shushes him a lot...when she's feeling irritable unfortunately he is her target and she lashes at him...but to be fair, he silently provokes her with just getting in her space and refusing to move when asked, as an example. I think the re-set discussion went well because we all felt a bit lighter and things shifted after that. Thankfully....which made for a nicer rest of the week.

I'm working on a shift in medication which started Nov 11 and hasn't been the easiest. I haven't changed medication in 8 years. I am ramping up the new one while going down on the old one. The earlier part of the week when it was time to stop the old one--for about 3 days I started getting quite dizzy, lots of vertigo, etc. and it was progressively getting worse. The on call Dr. said he wanted to go even slower w/ the tapering down. Once we added it back in I felt much better. It wasn't lost on me that the days I was struggling a bit and irritable were also the days the kids were the same way. It's going to take some time to see how this new medication is working better, the same, worse, etc.. I will say that in some ways it seems somewhat better in that I feel a bit lighter? The overwhelming feeling of heaviness that made it hard to just do stuff seems lighter?....but time will tell.  I think the best thing to come out of the expensive personal training sessions (which I do not plan to renew, don't see high enough value and the owner was very pushy about it) was that I realized that if I was working out, eating better, drinking less caffeine and Still not feeling much better, something else was going on. The process of elimination made me realize that maybe it was time to try a new medication. I might not have done it otherwise. And for that, the training was worth it. Like I said, will see how it goes.

With kids back to school today our schedule starts back up....my girl was successful in getting the Prop Leader role this time for the musical they will be doing instead of a play. She started her first rehearsal tonight with more Wednesday and Saturday. Tomorrow my son starts basketball practice twice a week, once Tuesday once Friday, games pick up in January on Saturdays. I know December will fly by so I should at least wish you all:

Happy Holidays!

PS Sunflower thank you for taking the time to respond to my last post on families. It really is helpful to hear how other families discuss amongst themselves and what terminology is used.

Families

Ever since the kids were little I've always talked about our family in terms of we have a mom, brother, sister, and we don't have a Dad. Early on I would tell them that many families are unique and some have no mom, some have two dads, etc.. to let them know that families are built in all kinds of ways. I would say that not all families have Dads and that because I wanted a family, I chose to have a man friend help me (because children are made from a man and woman), and the Doctor helped me. It was the simplest way I could describe it when they were younger. That seemed to suffice to help them understand that it's ok our family is different and answer why we didn't have a Dad.

Of course as the kids got older the questions started coming like, "Why don't we have a Dad?" I've gone into more detail about the fact that I didn't find the right man that I wanted to marry but I still wanted children, so I decided to have them on my own. As they've matured they've also asked more in depth questions like, "Why didn't you find the right man?" and I've always told them the truth that I didn't find one I liked enough to get married and have a family. I've shared that I always thought I would get married, didn't plan to not get married, and would have liked to--and still would consider it with the right person (of course prenup involved). But, I've told them that I didn't want to just settle on someone that wasn't right for me. I've made that very clear. They've also asked questions like, "Where does he live?" and I've told them., "What does he look like?"  which I've showed them all the pictures I have of when he was young up through adult. I've told them details like how tall he is, that he likes soccer. I've told my girl that she looks just like him, that's where her gorgeous curly hair comes from. I'm very open about any and all questions they have. My girl has even asked if she can meet him and I've said yes, when she gets older if she's wanting to we could have that conversation. My son hasn't expressed at all anything about meeting him, but maybe he will when he gets older.

My girl used to say that she wished we had a Dad so he could take brother out and play sports with him, etc. and keep him busy. Basically her way of saying she wanted individual time with mom and didn't want to share me as much. When she brings this up I say yes it would be nice to have two parents and I can understand why would feel that way i.e. validated her feelings. But, over time I've also tried to help them realize that not all Dads are like the cartoon Bluey. Some Dads don't like sports, some just watch a lot of TV (like mine did), and some aren't even involved in their kids' lives and not all Dads are great. I think they for sure have rose colored glasses on that if you have a Dad they are amazing. As an adult of course I know better, but they don't. My son has also said over the years he wishes he had a Dad. It's not often, but when he expresses it I have found that the best way to respond is to tell him yes, I understand how you feel and that I feel that way too sometimes. I say that there are some things that would be easier with two parents, for sure.

It started to get a little complicated because at school of course a lot of kids have Dads. My girl would tell me everyone in her classes had Dads except her (which I'm sure wasn't true) but that's the way she felt. I also remember a year or so ago my son telling me that a school friend asked him about his Dad and he said he told the boy he didn't have a Dad--because that's how we've described our family ever since the kids were little. The kid told him everyone has a Dad. My son insisted to the boy he did not.  So when he told me this story I had to try and explain the difference between Father and Dad.  That yes, everyone does have a father because children are made by parts of a man and parts of a woman. In order to create a child you do need both. However, that doesn't always mean that the Father is part of the family.  When a father is part of the family he is a Dad.  In essence, everyone always has a Father, but not everyone has a Dad that lives in their family.  That's not an easy concept to understand for younger kids.  I decided to try and make it more clear that everyone has a biological father, and for my son, that person is a friend of moms. However, he is not part of our family and is not a Dad.  So, after that discussion we would talk and say that yes, you do have a Father because everyone does, but we do not have a Dad in our family. I think the concept is more understood now that the kids are a bit older.

I've specifically used the word Friend instead of donor because that's actually the way I see it. We met before the kids, he's known to me, and we've stayed in contact over the years via email. It's been a few years now, but whenever I have reached out he's always responded.  The other thing I've thought about is when the kids were younger, I told everyone our story when they asked....that I didn't meet the right person, decided to have on my own through IVF, etc. and that's how our family was built. Over time, I've found myself being a bit more closed and careful about what I share with who. I think as the kids got older I felt a bit more protective and feeling like it isn't anyone's business unless I decide to share. In fact, in my son's group of friends I've only said that I am single and he's not had a Dad in his life. That's it. I'm sure they wonder because I'm a single stay at home mom....so that adds another element of, uh, how can she do that, where does she get money? But no one has outright asked me more in depth questions about the kid's lack of Dad. So, I've not shared. That's likely the way I'll be going forward. In fact, no one in my girl's group of friends have asked anything at all. It is kind of interesting, though, because in fact, all of my kids' current friends have two parent households with Dads.

As far as I'm aware, when my kids have told other kids we don't have a Dad, they kind of accept it and move on. Unless of course the random conversation about how everyone has a Dad. My kids have never said anyone has said anything hurtful or negative about our family structure....until now.

This week when my son and I were driving home from his allergy appointment he proceeds to tell me about a conversation he and Ata had at school that day. He said that one of his teachers was out and a sub was there. She was a younger sub and apparently told the class that she may know some of the student's older brothers or sisters. I guess Ata shared that maybe the sub would know his (half) brother or sister and my son said to him that she probably doesn't. (Something to this effect). And Ata then turns to my son and said, "Well you don't even know what your Dad looks like!".

Gut punch.

Of course technically that's not true, but I asked my son how did that make him feel and what did he say? He told me he thought that it was really offensive and he was really offended by what he said. I absolutely agreed with him and told him it was totally inappropriate to say something like that and I'm sorry that happened. I said that I would probably reach out to Ata's mom and my son was totally on board with that. In fact, he asked me a few times that evening if I had done so. I reached out to his mom via text and asked her if we could chat the next morning. She texted she was on a plane but would like to text about it. Clearly not the kind of topic to text about so I said no worries, we would talk soon.  She texted me right away the next day and asked to chat. To her credit, she started off by saying she had talked to her son that morning and I guess got the gist of what the conversation was about. She said she was so sorry that Ata said that to my son and she really was at a loss for words. She knows our family is unique and that we don't have a Dad. She provided some context to Ata's reaction and said that apparently there is some family drama and Ata hasn't seen his half brother who lives in Turkey in about 3 years--which she said she didn't know was hurtful or bothering her son as much as it was. It seems my son's surprise that he had not seen his brother hit a nerve with him and he lashed out. She explained that she of course told him that when you are hurt, hurting others is not the way to handle it. She said Ata felt very sad about hurting my son and was going to apologize the next day. I stayed very calm and said I know the boys will get through this and I appreciated her conversation. I reiterated that I hoped she would talk further to Ata about the fact that not all families are the same and she said of course she would. I think she handled it well (as did I) and I could tell she was very embarrassed about the situation.

Last night I asked my son about whether Ata came to him at school yesterday and he said yes, he did come and apologize. I asked him what he said in response and he told me that he told Ata , "That's just not going to cut it". I was surprised by his reaction but told him son, you absolutely can feel how you feel about the situation and if you aren't ready to accept his apology, that was fine. He said he wasn't ready.

Of course kids do and say mean things sometimes but I wasn't prepared for a 9 year old kid to hit so below the belt. That was just a cruel thing to say and I felt a mixture of being so angry and just sad that because my son's family is different...through no fault of his.....a kid used that against him to be so ugly. 

The good news is, my son is very resilient. He's a smart, very sweet, (sometimes stubborn and persistent) sensitive old soul that is very empathetic to other's feelings. He's got a wide vocabulary which he uses to describe what he thinks and how he feels.  I know he will be fine and will continue to be friends with Ata, but it doesn't mean he will forget about this situation.  It really did affect him.

In the comments I'd be interested to hear anyone else's experiences about lack of Dad, how it's discussed in your family, etc.