Option 3

I take my kids to school every morning, well...my son to the bus stop at 7:35am.  His stop is not far at all from the house but far enough where I don't want to get dressed, deal with rain, mosquitos, cold, fog...any kind of element, I'm not having it at 7 in the morning. So, I drive him to the stop. I enjoy those times in the morning because it's just him and I. He's not arguing with his sister, provoking her relentlessly....we just get to chat without distraction.

We have very similar personalities where we find the same kind of things funny...are quite silly together, love sports, are competitive, and I think we enjoy being around each other. And sometimes kids say the darndest things. Yesterday when I drove my son to the bus stop we were sitting there, he starts in the back seat, and when we park he jumps up to the front seat, usually turns the seat heater on. Well, he looks at me and says, "Mom, I don't think you are going to do anything today". I'm not sure if it's because sometimes I say I did nothing that day regularly, or just how I tired I looked...not sure. But, he was so right.  I slept most of the day yesterday.

Picking up from last post I ended up going with Option 3 and seeing my old Dr. to tell him how awful things have been for the last 3 months...really just not good at all.  We talked through a variety of options and decided to transition to a new primary medication. I've started that for the last few weeks and while I think I feel slightly better, I do not feel any better or different with being tired all the time and having no motivation. I don't think we are on the right track.  I'm holding out because I did end up making a new patient appointment with an in network dr. that had something end of March, and here we are....so will see how that goes and what he suggests.  We've had some nice spring weather here so I couldn't justify staying in the recliner all day today so I did just go and take a 30 minute walk and then 15 minute stretch, then shower. It's at least something.

I find that when mom is struggling a bit, the kiddos aren't too far behind.  My girl has been struggling w/ her anxieties again over the last couple of months. She's really hard to read sometimes because she internalizes things and has a hard time verbalizing how she's feeling. I think talking about anxiety in and of itself makes her anxious. I am looking at going to a therapist again with her, but she has to be able to talk, that's the whole point. She also got physically sick for about a week with a stomach bug after spring break and that was absolutely miserable for her.  Started last weekend with fever, aches, etc.. and then the stomach issues. However, she can't stand the thought of missing school so she pushes herself to go, even when she should stay home. I did keep her home one day last Monday, but by Tuesday she said she was well enough to go. I let her, and had her wear her watch so she could text me if things got worse...by the time she got home I could see all over her face it was rough. Good thing is a she did finally get better after about a week.

We've had a few issues at her school I'm sad to say. In January my girl took her new b and b works spray to her gym locker. She forgot to lock it and the very next day it was gone. Well, fast forward a month ago she asked if she could buy with her own money a S.T.A.nley cup. It's all the rage and I had no idea what they were. Apparently "everyone" has one. I thought why not, so she picked it out, it's a beautiful tie dye blueish color and she couldn't wait for it to come. I'm sure you can see where this is going...once it came she was SO excited and thrilled--I have to say even I was impressed. Very cute. She had only taken it to school about a week and one day forgot it at the lunch table. She went back to look after she remembered and it was gone. She came home after school in tears when she told me the story. I told her to not give up, perhaps someone turned it in, and I would call the school the next day.  I have to hand it to the school, I called and reported it at about 9:30am and by 11:30 I had a voicemail by the assistant principal telling me they found it, were getting it back to her, and the student was being assigned discipline. Turns out a kid did steal it. The thing is, her name is on the bottom so they knew. And now the cup sits nicely on our counter everyday because she's too worried to take it to school. I get it. It's violating when someone takes your stuff. I just hope she'll eventually feel better and take it again. UGH! She's got about 800 kids grade 6-8 at her school so it's not a big school, not small....but we never had any issues in elementary. Guess this is the type of stuff you start to deal with when they get older. Sigh.

Her brother can be so sweet (when he chooses to) ...when he heard his sister say her cup was stolen he went to our grocery list and wrote in big letters "MUST S.T.A.Nley". I asked him what that was about he and said we absolutely needed to get her another cup and he would even spend his own money to buy her one. Such a sweet soul. Thankfully she did get it back. He stayed home last week a few days too because it was after spring break and I think he was just worn out. The time changed messed with us all, as well. He's in 3rd grade and I don't much worry about what he'll miss. Anyway, I had brought him a requested sprite and as soon as I brought it to him he jumped up and poured half of it in a cup and ran it into his sister who was laid out on my bed. He also notices if she's cold and without a word will get up and wrap her in a blanket.

He can also be very not sweet. I think he's going through some phase, or something, but he's been very irritable again and sometimes downright not nice. He can be very negative, focusing on what he didn't like about practice, or who did something at school he was mad at. He also likes to complain a lot and whine a lot. It can be a bit much to be around when I'm the opposite and try to focus on what did go well, what's something he did like at school. Yesterday when he came home from practice he was in a massive mood. I was supposed to make chicken noodle soup but ended up having tamales. He was so distraught because of this change and unleashed by yelling.  He struggles to find an outlet for his anger sometimes. It was not fun. To be fair, after I told him I was upset by his outburst he went to the table and drew me a picture and apologized for hollering. I thanked him, and it was over. I find that he very much writes his feelings and thoughts--it's much easier for him than talking.  I'm constantly finding notes and pictures and letters. If that helps him, I'm all for it.

We had a busy spring break (week of March 11) the weekend prior the kids stayed at a hotel with Amy who was in town preparing for her sister's surgery, then all week we had dentist appointments, my son went to a movie with Aarav, my girl went golfing w/ Parker, I took a group of girls and my son roller skating, my son had an allergy appointment, I took the kids mini golfing, my girl had a dr. appt, she went to a birthday party (likely where she picked up a bug--those jumpy/bouncy places are the worst), and a sleep over at Parker's, and my son had an ortho appointment because his wire broke. Then the kids got sick after all that.

So, overall we are hanging in there. I'm just realizing that the kids are only in school another 2 months and they'll be home for the summer! AGH I need to look into some camps, etc. to keep them busy. Last summer went quite well with balancing some structured camps, with some downtime. My girl has requested basketball camp as many as she can....next year in 7th grade she's decided she wants to try out for the school team, so good on her. I haven't pushed it at all because she really likes to make up her own mind and learn her own lessons. I was the same way so I get it.  I have to say I'm also impressed with how well she adjusted to middle school. I was very much worried at the beginning of the year about how will she stay organized--I tried to encourage a planner but she just didn't take to it. To her credit, she has gotten all her assignments turned in and stays on top of her work. She does homework at school so I hardly see her do it at home. I can access her assignments and grades online so I know she's putting in the work. I asked her how she keeps it all organized and she said she just remembers what to do and when it's due. Been a long time since my brain was that clear to have that good of a memory. She's taking all AP classes and is getting A's in everything except B's in math. That's totally fine with me. She's very on top of her grades because she wants to be sure she stays eligible to do theater. She's also pretty hard on herself--at times she doesn't do well on math tests or some of the work and gets discouraged easily.  I even thought about getting her a tutor, but her teacher didn't think she needed it. She struggles a bit more with tests in general, but because she does great on her other work, it is balancing out. I'm very proud of her and have told her often. The first few months were a learning curve, but I'd say she's picked it up and is thriving.  That is about all I could ask for this year.

As for me, I'm still hoping I feel better soon. I've got a lot of things in my head I'd like to do like organize the kids' papers they brought home from school for several years that line my bedroom. Boxes I'd like to empty, house projects I'd like to do....but in due time. I need to allow myself the time to just be and not pressure to be good. It's ok. I'm also in my feelings about the kids growing before my eyes. My girl is now 5'2" if not taller by now and weighs about 100 lbs--she's very lean and has legs for days like a colt. Her brother is not far behind in that he's put on some weight and is at 93lbs and about 4'8". He's just a solid boy. Very thick. I looked at him this morning and he just grew. Some days are like that where they just look older. Taller. Different. I'm believing now that yes, indeed, it sure goes fast. My kids are not littles and we are past that stage. I do like many things about them being older, conversations, a bit more independence, etc.....but it just doesn't stop. One phase turns into the next and in a few years  I won't even have an elementary kid anymore. Yikes.  I don't know how to embrace these changes without the sadness and feeling like I'm losing something that I will never get back. There's so much to look forward to, but there's also so much that's happened already. I don't think about these changes all the time, but when I look at pictures, old videos, etc.. it's hard not to shake my head and how much has changed these last 12 years. Perhaps I'm also thinking forward to a milestone birthday of 50 next year. What the heck, how did I get this "old"?

MIA

Wow it's been over 2 months since I've written a post. I think about it all the time, but just don't have it in me to write one. It's been a really tough go over the last several months, for me in particular. 

I'm not sure I mentioned, but after I spent time going to a personal trainer last year and still struggling to feel better, I realized it was time to try changing up my primary medication. I think I've spent a long time being mildly depressed with anxiety and not really realizing it because I wasn't sad. My symptoms showed up as being tired all the time, even after a lot of sleeping, and having no motivation do much of anything other than what I had to do. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for years (on/off since 2003 whenever I lived here) and I think over time, he hasn't been a good fit for me anymore. I don't think he was really listening to me with my continued symptoms and his approach for the last 3 years was to change things around the primary medication--try adding more, add in this one, add in that one. It wasn't until I changed a lot of behavioral things last year that it dawned on me that no, I'm not doing as well as I could be and something more substantial needs to change.

I started down that path with the Dr. last year and he suggested a new primary medication, but then rather than continue with him because of my unhappiness with him over time, I decided I wanted to try a new Dr. in network with my insurance. So, with new Dr. (nurse practioner NP) we attempted to make the change to the new primary one my Dr. recommended. That started in November last year and continued up until a few weeks ago.

In summary, it was not good at all. Well, the first two weeks was actually great! I started to see I had more energy, things just felt "lighter", I was so excited because I got out the exterior Christmas lights for the bushes that I hadn't used in a few years...it was the beginning of just feeling much better.  However, things took a turn when I started to decrease the primary medication (which I've taken the brand of since 2015)--no matter how fast or slow we went, I had a lot of side effects...a lot of dizziness, vertigo, headaches, flu like symptoms....so we'd make progress in decreasing, then due to feeling terrible, we'd have to increase to feel better, then try decreasing again. It took a few months and I still hadn't completely stopped. At the same time, we increased the new medication from its introductory dose and it just wasn't working i.e. wasn't picking up where the old one left off. It was very finicky in terms of you needed to take w/ food, and literally at the same time otherwise you'd start to feel sick. On top of the other symptoms it became miserable. In addition, I felt extremely irritable and out of sorts....for many weeks. Even my skin was breaking out and I got rashes, etc..  It's been awful. I'm not sure I've ever felt worse. In addition to that, a month ago my "new" NP said she's leaving the practice and I need to find a new provider. Big. Fat. Sigh.

The thing that's challenging is in network providers take months to get into. Their only advice was pick a new provider and they'll send the referral. The earliest any new provider could take me was end of March.  WTF. So I've felt a little stuck, to say the least. I decided to go back up on my old primary medication and hopefully feel good enough until I can figure out my next steps. My options are to 1) just wait until new appt end of March 2) Go to an out of network provider and pay hundreds for each visit, and no one I found had an appointment until last week of March anyway or 3) go back to old Dr. and tell him we tried new rx and things aren't working.

My plan was to stay w/ option 1, but this last week has just been awful.  I'm barely functioning, all I want to do is sleep, and sleeping makes me feel that much worse. I've also gained more weight considering all the inactivity and eating I've been doing. That doesn't help either because I've also been suffering from plantar's fasciitis in my left heel for over a year but over the last few months it's progressed from hurting just while walking to hurting a lot of the time. It feels like someone is stabbing you with a hot knife. 

Chronic pain, extra weight, skin issues, mental health challenges....it's a lot to handle. It really is. At this point, hard to tolerate so I decided to at least check back in with my old Dr. this Friday. I could easily get an appointment and honestly, it's not even about the money because he's hundreds as well. It's at least something and maybe he'll have some suggestions on what we can do.

It's not easy to share about these issues...it feels very vulnerable. that's why I haven't written about them. I know this is an anonymous blog but I think a few people know me in IRL. 

I didn't even write about the holidays, but suffice to say they were fine. My sister came down as usual. They were a bit less exciting this year as my girl is in 6th grade now and things changed for her about Santa and the holiday. She didn't even want to go get Santa pictures, so we've stopped that tradition.  It was a bit crazy for me tracking gifts so I started a spreadsheet. I know I know. Our friend Amy normally comes at New years but that was a bit of an issue this year. She could have come, but she's not the best at being up front and made up a few reasons why she couldn't. It's fine. She's got a lot on her plate her sister was diagnosed with esophageal cancer late last year so she's started up with a cancer center here in town and they've traveled back and forth for treatment. She's about to have surgery next week.

Things have been absolutely crazy with the kids and their schedules...they both are in braces (my girl started phase 2 in December) so there is ortho, my girl decided to do another theater production a musical Flapper so she was in that (instead of playing basketball)--it was intense with more rehearsals, more weekends, more evenings...these last two weeks before the show it was nuts with after school until 7, the shows all weekend. On top of that my son has been playing basketball so he's got practice twice a week and games on Saturday...last week soccer started so it's overlapped with basketball and theater. I feel very much like an uber driver as I take the kids every morning, picking them up for any appointments (my girl had ortho yesterday because a lollipop broke 2 of her brackets), then picking up my girl after school every day due to theater schedule. And of course the kids are quite worn out and tired themselves so attitudes haven't been great at all.

I also had been looking at a job that was close by, I really liked my discussions w/ them...but decided to withdraw because it would entail too much travel. I just couldn't see myself being able to manage work life with the travel and decided it really does need to be the right thing for me to go back to work. It's a lot of pressure to manage a job and a household. And frankly, now is just not the time until I can start to physically and mentally feel better. I've turned my attention to some projects in the house like new windows and removing the fireplace, but even those projects take a lot of decision making and leg work....both of which I don't want to do much of right now. On hold as well.

I'm just really hopeful I can start to feel better soon....

At least something on the humorous side: last week I overheard my son talking to his fried Aarav while they were playing soccer in the cul-de-sac. He told Aarav that two girls like him. He said, "One is Tessa and she wants to marry me. She keeps saying all these love things like: Are you the climate because you are so hot". Omg. 3rd graders. To be fair, my son is handsome and will likely have girl problems. At least at this age it's just cute. Let's keep it at cute.

Holidays

Holidays can be great!!  AND......they can have a lot of hard moments mixed in with the great ones.

I just got a christmas card from Elaine. She is the mother of the 3 girls I grew up with in our small, tiny town. I think they moved there when their oldest (who is my age) was in 2nd grade. Of course having a class size of 33, you get to know all the kids and all the families really well throughout the years. And yes, everyone knows your business.  I played sports growing up, which started in junior high. I was always playing with the 3 girls as they were right next to each other in age my age, one year younger, then one year younger than that. We played track, basketball, volleyball, and softball--all sports, all year long. We would sometimes carpool to games--I remember being in their suburban driving home one winter evening after a game, my mom in the front passenger seat,and it was so cold, snowy, and icy that we slid off the road. Elaine simply put the suburban in 4 wheel drive and back on the road we went. We also had sleep overs at their house in their basement...I remember their Dad was always a goofball and somewhere along the way I got the nickname "sleaze". Of course meant in the most endearing way.  Elaine was the secretary at the school so I literally saw her everyday my whole school life. Throughout the years of me moving around pre-kids, when I would fly home I would always go visit them and keep them updated on life. I went to their oldest daughter's wedding (which she has since divorced long ago and recently got remarried)--and her daughter is now married! 

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm less close with the girls and it's really been Elaine that I've stayed in close touch with over time. There's something about the bond you build with people who knew you since you were a small child. Nothing now can mirror that history. She's definitely a motherly figure who's remained constant. She knew my mom really well and that bond is there too.

Elaine has always sent birthday cards and christmas gifts to the kids since they've been born. It always warms and touches my heart that she always includes us in celebration. Last year when we went home to stay with my sister my kids actually got to meet her at the farm of my 4th grade teacher. She had aged a lot since the last time I had seen her--she's in her 70's now. She had struggled with weight and was very heavy for a number of years...had surgery, lost, then gained, then lost again....I know the feeling.

Well, Elaine sent us a Christmas card and I've been crying ever since I opened it.  She put a short note in there that she might not have thought twice about....it said "Hi kiddo, To one of my favorite daughters. Come visit. I meant it."

It absolutely struck me how long it had been since I read the word daughter.......and it meant me.

I just started crying and haven't stopped since.  My heart strings were tugged and lots of emotions surfaced about missing my mom. And it's just all spilled out.

It probably doesn't help that I'm probably a bit vulnerable as my son has been really sick these last few days....started friday of last week and has gotten progressively worse by the day. He's not sleeping, coughing. I took him to Dr. yesterday and he does not have strep, and we didn't test for flu since it's been over the 48 hours so the course of treatment wouldn't change anyway. He's missed school all this week. 

So yeah, holidays can be amazing...and hard...and great..all at the same time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The kids went back to school today after the long holiday week off.....and overall it was...nice. We didn't go anywhere and the only thing I had to do was buy brussels sprouts....I literally just learned something--my entire life I thought is was brussel sprouts with no S on the end, but the red line kept coming up saying it was spelled wrong. I looked it up and sure enough there is an S on the end of it--brusselS sprouts.  Who knew? 

So, I knew I didn't want to fly anywhere and just wasn't sure what we were going to do. Around Monday last week our neighbor mentioned their extended family (5 of them) were coming to visit and we were more than welcome to join them for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Secretly I had been hoping we were going to be invited because I was wanting a bigger get together than our immediate family, but didn't want to cook or travel.  We've done a lot of different things to celebrate this holiday--gone to our extended family in Wisconsin, gone to New Orleans to visit friends, stayed at home and made a full spread, stayed at home and did a staycation night at a hotel....and that's also what we decided on this year. We decided to do the hotel on Wednesday to Thursday, then we'd meet up with our neighbors on Thursday afternoon.

We tried a new hotel this year which took a lot of convincing w/ the kids. They are set on the E hotel, since we've gone to both of the close ones over the years. However, I was not thrilled w/ their pool situation (not heated and not super clean) so I decided we should go to a homewood suites. I used to stay at them all of the time when I traveled to Colorado for work and I just loved the 2 room suites, the full size kitchen, having dishes, etc.. They are usually pretty nice. AND, it did not disappoint. The biggest hit was their gym.  My son has been asking and asking to be able to do a treadmill, etc. It was fully equipped with cardio and weights so we spent 3 separate trips to it enjoying the new experience--well, me supervising and coaching them. They also had a put put green which we did a few times as well. And finally swimming in the morning on the next day. What was great is that we got to do the activities all by ourselves with noone else around. The hotel was full as was seen at the social Wednesday evening (best chocolate cake ever I let the kids have 2 pieces!), and at the breakfast the following morning. But, it didn't feel like it at all. I think the only bummer was I gave the kids the king bed and I slept on the pull out...kinda not the best sleeping arrangement, but I tried to get some rest, and woke up awfully stiff. Both kids enjoyed it and said YAY to coming back again sometime.

After we left the hotel we had to stop at the grocery store on Thanksgiving day to pick up the brusselS sprouts, cinnamon sticks (per request from neighbor), and ingredients to make corn casserole (my contribution). I didn't realize just how many people are last minute shoppers like us to where it was unbelievable crowded from parking lot to store to checkout. Couldn't wait to get outta there.

The holiday itself was nice--we went to neighbors around 3pm with warm corn casserole just baked. This is a good example of a time when I'm actually glad my kids are older. The guests had 3 kids ages 5, 3, and 1. You have to actively supervise, chase, cut up food, etc. which I gladly watched the mom do (ok I did go after the baby a few times as she climbed the stairs)...but I remember those days and it always seemed stressful to me trying to wrangle the kiddos all by myself. I remember feeling quite anxious, especially at someone else's house worried what they were getting into...sweating a lot.  This year I got to kick back, watch everyone else run around, and enjoy myself while my kids played quite well with the neighbor kids and checked in with me every now and then to give me hugs and kisses. I didn't move from that spot only to get more food for 4 hours. Of course I did ask if I could help in the kitchen, etc. but when they said no, I gladly walked back out.  Our other older neighbor couple came as well (well I kinda organized that one) because the woman told me she was so sad because all of her kids weren't coming this year as they always do. I said she should come with us to the other neighbor but she didn't want to invite herself. So, I texted them and asked them to invite her....it worked out really well. I sat next to them for most of the time and all the adults just gabbed, answered questions from some card game....and just enjoyed the food.

On top of that, I actually put up my outside christmas decorations before even December 1st! I haven't put the bushes lights on in many years, but I guess I had a bit more energy to just go for it. My girl also got all the holiday inside decorations out and I let her go to town. She loves decorating...well, just that part. She doesn't like the cleaning and preparing to decorate part. Our tree is up with just lights for now...our regular lights of 8 years finally gave out so had to buy new, and of course I'm particular about how bright they are ( I like the very dim), I had to buy a few sets to get the right ones.

Of course nothing is without a few bumps...last weekend the kids were starting to really go downhill in behavior...lots of bickering, arguing with me, etc and I kinda had to set 'em straight. It was getting to the point where no matter what I asked them, there was a murmured comment or outright backtalk about why they shouldn't have to do XYZ. It wasn't pretty as I got upset Sunday night and as were were driving into town on Monday morning for an appointment, I told them we were having a family meeting in the car. Before we left I asked them to think about how things were going and be prepared to share their thoughts and feelings. I started off by saying I was disappointed in their behavior, I thought they were acting disrespectful, gave them examples, etc. Then I had both of them take a turn to express how they were feeling. Then, I asked them to think about what they needed from the other people and each got a turn to say, Mom, I need you to X, Brother, I need you to X.....then finally, we wrapped it up with what each person was going to work on. I was SO SO proud of that meeting because it was one of the first times my girl really openly shared her thoughts and feelings, and verbalized them without significant prompting, and my boy was able to share a few things with his sister that she likely didn't realize i.e. that she shuts him down a lot when he tries to speak. She shushes him a lot...when she's feeling irritable unfortunately he is her target and she lashes at him...but to be fair, he silently provokes her with just getting in her space and refusing to move when asked, as an example. I think the re-set discussion went well because we all felt a bit lighter and things shifted after that. Thankfully....which made for a nicer rest of the week.

I'm working on a shift in medication which started Nov 11 and hasn't been the easiest. I haven't changed medication in 8 years. I am ramping up the new one while going down on the old one. The earlier part of the week when it was time to stop the old one--for about 3 days I started getting quite dizzy, lots of vertigo, etc. and it was progressively getting worse. The on call Dr. said he wanted to go even slower w/ the tapering down. Once we added it back in I felt much better. It wasn't lost on me that the days I was struggling a bit and irritable were also the days the kids were the same way. It's going to take some time to see how this new medication is working better, the same, worse, etc.. I will say that in some ways it seems somewhat better in that I feel a bit lighter? The overwhelming feeling of heaviness that made it hard to just do stuff seems lighter?....but time will tell.  I think the best thing to come out of the expensive personal training sessions (which I do not plan to renew, don't see high enough value and the owner was very pushy about it) was that I realized that if I was working out, eating better, drinking less caffeine and Still not feeling much better, something else was going on. The process of elimination made me realize that maybe it was time to try a new medication. I might not have done it otherwise. And for that, the training was worth it. Like I said, will see how it goes.

With kids back to school today our schedule starts back up....my girl was successful in getting the Prop Leader role this time for the musical they will be doing instead of a play. She started her first rehearsal tonight with more Wednesday and Saturday. Tomorrow my son starts basketball practice twice a week, once Tuesday once Friday, games pick up in January on Saturdays. I know December will fly by so I should at least wish you all:

Happy Holidays!

PS Sunflower thank you for taking the time to respond to my last post on families. It really is helpful to hear how other families discuss amongst themselves and what terminology is used.

Families

Ever since the kids were little I've always talked about our family in terms of we have a mom, brother, sister, and we don't have a Dad. Early on I would tell them that many families are unique and some have no mom, some have two dads, etc.. to let them know that families are built in all kinds of ways. I would say that not all families have Dads and that because I wanted a family, I chose to have a man friend help me (because children are made from a man and woman), and the Doctor helped me. It was the simplest way I could describe it when they were younger. That seemed to suffice to help them understand that it's ok our family is different and answer why we didn't have a Dad.

Of course as the kids got older the questions started coming like, "Why don't we have a Dad?" I've gone into more detail about the fact that I didn't find the right man that I wanted to marry but I still wanted children, so I decided to have them on my own. As they've matured they've also asked more in depth questions like, "Why didn't you find the right man?" and I've always told them the truth that I didn't find one I liked enough to get married and have a family. I've shared that I always thought I would get married, didn't plan to not get married, and would have liked to--and still would consider it with the right person (of course prenup involved). But, I've told them that I didn't want to just settle on someone that wasn't right for me. I've made that very clear. They've also asked questions like, "Where does he live?" and I've told them., "What does he look like?"  which I've showed them all the pictures I have of when he was young up through adult. I've told them details like how tall he is, that he likes soccer. I've told my girl that she looks just like him, that's where her gorgeous curly hair comes from. I'm very open about any and all questions they have. My girl has even asked if she can meet him and I've said yes, when she gets older if she's wanting to we could have that conversation. My son hasn't expressed at all anything about meeting him, but maybe he will when he gets older.

My girl used to say that she wished we had a Dad so he could take brother out and play sports with him, etc. and keep him busy. Basically her way of saying she wanted individual time with mom and didn't want to share me as much. When she brings this up I say yes it would be nice to have two parents and I can understand why would feel that way i.e. validated her feelings. But, over time I've also tried to help them realize that not all Dads are like the cartoon Bluey. Some Dads don't like sports, some just watch a lot of TV (like mine did), and some aren't even involved in their kids' lives and not all Dads are great. I think they for sure have rose colored glasses on that if you have a Dad they are amazing. As an adult of course I know better, but they don't. My son has also said over the years he wishes he had a Dad. It's not often, but when he expresses it I have found that the best way to respond is to tell him yes, I understand how you feel and that I feel that way too sometimes. I say that there are some things that would be easier with two parents, for sure.

It started to get a little complicated because at school of course a lot of kids have Dads. My girl would tell me everyone in her classes had Dads except her (which I'm sure wasn't true) but that's the way she felt. I also remember a year or so ago my son telling me that a school friend asked him about his Dad and he said he told the boy he didn't have a Dad--because that's how we've described our family ever since the kids were little. The kid told him everyone has a Dad. My son insisted to the boy he did not.  So when he told me this story I had to try and explain the difference between Father and Dad.  That yes, everyone does have a father because children are made by parts of a man and parts of a woman. In order to create a child you do need both. However, that doesn't always mean that the Father is part of the family.  When a father is part of the family he is a Dad.  In essence, everyone always has a Father, but not everyone has a Dad that lives in their family.  That's not an easy concept to understand for younger kids.  I decided to try and make it more clear that everyone has a biological father, and for my son, that person is a friend of moms. However, he is not part of our family and is not a Dad.  So, after that discussion we would talk and say that yes, you do have a Father because everyone does, but we do not have a Dad in our family. I think the concept is more understood now that the kids are a bit older.

I've specifically used the word Friend instead of donor because that's actually the way I see it. We met before the kids, he's known to me, and we've stayed in contact over the years via email. It's been a few years now, but whenever I have reached out he's always responded.  The other thing I've thought about is when the kids were younger, I told everyone our story when they asked....that I didn't meet the right person, decided to have on my own through IVF, etc. and that's how our family was built. Over time, I've found myself being a bit more closed and careful about what I share with who. I think as the kids got older I felt a bit more protective and feeling like it isn't anyone's business unless I decide to share. In fact, in my son's group of friends I've only said that I am single and he's not had a Dad in his life. That's it. I'm sure they wonder because I'm a single stay at home mom....so that adds another element of, uh, how can she do that, where does she get money? But no one has outright asked me more in depth questions about the kid's lack of Dad. So, I've not shared. That's likely the way I'll be going forward. In fact, no one in my girl's group of friends have asked anything at all. It is kind of interesting, though, because in fact, all of my kids' current friends have two parent households with Dads.

As far as I'm aware, when my kids have told other kids we don't have a Dad, they kind of accept it and move on. Unless of course the random conversation about how everyone has a Dad. My kids have never said anyone has said anything hurtful or negative about our family structure....until now.

This week when my son and I were driving home from his allergy appointment he proceeds to tell me about a conversation he and Ata had at school that day. He said that one of his teachers was out and a sub was there. She was a younger sub and apparently told the class that she may know some of the student's older brothers or sisters. I guess Ata shared that maybe the sub would know his (half) brother or sister and my son said to him that she probably doesn't. (Something to this effect). And Ata then turns to my son and said, "Well you don't even know what your Dad looks like!".

Gut punch.

Of course technically that's not true, but I asked my son how did that make him feel and what did he say? He told me he thought that it was really offensive and he was really offended by what he said. I absolutely agreed with him and told him it was totally inappropriate to say something like that and I'm sorry that happened. I said that I would probably reach out to Ata's mom and my son was totally on board with that. In fact, he asked me a few times that evening if I had done so. I reached out to his mom via text and asked her if we could chat the next morning. She texted she was on a plane but would like to text about it. Clearly not the kind of topic to text about so I said no worries, we would talk soon.  She texted me right away the next day and asked to chat. To her credit, she started off by saying she had talked to her son that morning and I guess got the gist of what the conversation was about. She said she was so sorry that Ata said that to my son and she really was at a loss for words. She knows our family is unique and that we don't have a Dad. She provided some context to Ata's reaction and said that apparently there is some family drama and Ata hasn't seen his half brother who lives in Turkey in about 3 years--which she said she didn't know was hurtful or bothering her son as much as it was. It seems my son's surprise that he had not seen his brother hit a nerve with him and he lashed out. She explained that she of course told him that when you are hurt, hurting others is not the way to handle it. She said Ata felt very sad about hurting my son and was going to apologize the next day. I stayed very calm and said I know the boys will get through this and I appreciated her conversation. I reiterated that I hoped she would talk further to Ata about the fact that not all families are the same and she said of course she would. I think she handled it well (as did I) and I could tell she was very embarrassed about the situation.

Last night I asked my son about whether Ata came to him at school yesterday and he said yes, he did come and apologize. I asked him what he said in response and he told me that he told Ata , "That's just not going to cut it". I was surprised by his reaction but told him son, you absolutely can feel how you feel about the situation and if you aren't ready to accept his apology, that was fine. He said he wasn't ready.

Of course kids do and say mean things sometimes but I wasn't prepared for a 9 year old kid to hit so below the belt. That was just a cruel thing to say and I felt a mixture of being so angry and just sad that because my son's family is different...through no fault of his.....a kid used that against him to be so ugly. 

The good news is, my son is very resilient. He's a smart, very sweet, (sometimes stubborn and persistent) sensitive old soul that is very empathetic to other's feelings. He's got a wide vocabulary which he uses to describe what he thinks and how he feels.  I know he will be fine and will continue to be friends with Ata, but it doesn't mean he will forget about this situation.  It really did affect him.

In the comments I'd be interested to hear anyone else's experiences about lack of Dad, how it's discussed in your family, etc.

First 9+ weeks of School

I started writing the following post over a week ago. I got the crud and would feel better, then not...then rally, then be on the couch. It's lasted about 2 weeks, then emotionally it was rough for the last week...and I'm still not 100%. Likely it was the flu or covid but I didn't go to the Dr. for testing- Truth be told I just didn't want to know.

I'm sitting here freshly showered and in the rocking chair--only because it's the only thing I feel like I can accomplish today (other than writing an overdue post). I got the crud starting Monday...itchy/sore throat, then that tickle in the chest, then the congestion. Today is day five and I think I'm on the upswing. I did get my flu shot a few weeks ago, so likely not that. The kids were doing fine w/ sickness for the first 3 weeks of school finally breaking the 'sick during first week' curse. My daughter was the first to get it, then really hasn't been well since.  It's strange how it works in our family....my daughter gets an illness and she's sick with it (and/or other things) for about a month+, my son gets sick for just a few days and then he's fine, and when I get sick I reaaaally get sick. On to more exciting news....

So much has happened in the first 9 weeks of school.....

My girl:

--first week of Middle school--we are a few months in now, so her first few days already seem like far distance. When I think back about it there were just a lot of nerves for her. She talked me into driving her to school because she was so worried the bus would be late. In fact, as we were driving over on her first day she got so worked up she had tears in her eyes...the poor kid. I wanted to just scoop her up, rock her, and take away her tears. When we got to where I needed to drop her off I pumped her up the best I could...she's got this! she's brave and I'm so proud of her!  The first week and a half was a bunch of butterflies and jitters every morning on the way to school before she started to settle in a bit and feel more comfortable with everything. This was a big jump from elementary with a new really big school (to us) and the transition was not easy.

--first dance August 18th Luau. School started on a Wednesday and at the end of that first week Friday they had a middle school Luau dance. She completely surprised me by saying she wanted to go. I thought with the noise, crowded-ness, and chaos it would not be fun for her. But, a whole group of her friend girls went (about 8 of them) and she even 'dressed up' by wearing her skort and top. I took her and her friend Selina and the neighbor Teddy. I dropped off and Selina's mom picked up. When my girl came through the door after 8pm she exclaimed, "This was the best night of my life!"....I was just thrilled for her that she went, danced with her friends (didn't know she would like that), and ate candy (absolutely knew she would like that). So excited by how happy she was when she came home. Apparently boys don't dance with the girls at this age which is totally fine with me.

--first theatre production: application, essay, interview, selection. This has been a game changer for my girl. She has such a passion for theatre I'm again surprised by how much she is loving it. She's told me for the last year she wanted to do theatre for her fine arts elective and wanted to do stage crew. She's definitely not on the acting side, but she may surprise me in the future. On her own she made sure to get the application for the first production of the year and within it, she had to write an essay as to why she should be selected. Then, she had to interview with the drama teacher, and then results were posted. She came home so excited because she wanted props and was that's what she was selected for. I was very impressed with her determination at only 11 to go after what she wanted and actually get it!!~  VERY proud moment. I'm also proud to say she's been doing a fantastic job--the theatre teacher told me when my girl was sick during rehearsal she'd totally miss her because she's her go-getter! I knew I had a boss lady on my hands.

--First book she devoured--my girl has always been drawn to graphic novels ever since she started reading. She just loves the pictures/animation. I've encourage her to read more chapter books and that hasn't really landed, but I keep trying. Also, I've encouraged her to read before bed as I think it's a good wind down. We've evolved from me sitting in the rocker with two littles on my laps reading board books (with bites out of them because my girl always seemed to chew on them) to my kids reading books to themselves with their own lights, in their own beds...and me in the living room. Anyway, I used to read a lot as a kid and read every night as well....and sometimes I would get engrossed in a book and couldn't put it down. I saw that happen to my girl for the first time.....she picked a young adult book at her school library called Real--it's about a nonverbal autistic girl and her brain works differently--she then gets enrolled in a public junior high. It's the first time ever I saw her nose in a book every time I saw her. She was absolutely sucked in and it filled me up! I feel like given the subject she probably related to some of the thoughts and feelings of the character in the book and I was so delighted to see her enjoy reading that much. She's continued to check out books about kids with differences and I hope it helps her in some sort of way. She has a hard time talking about her feelings.

--first time tried to work on homework ended in tears for end of 1st 6 week exams

--sleepover with Emma--loved it, Sept 1

My son: 

--Soccer season is going super well....they are now 4-1-1, tied for second. Their team name is White Wolves because they were assigned white jerseys. (White for soccer?Who decided this) My son actually scored a goal on a free kick and it was so exciting.! So much so that I jumped up out of my chair screaming! He also normally only plays defense, but two weeks ago they put him in on offense and he scored a goal in 30 seconds. It is so much fun for me to watch him play sports...I truly enjoy it.

--Since the beginning of the season, my son has had issues with his heels. He kept limping and saying how bad it was hurting. I thought he'd just get better, but after about 6 weeks I decided to take him to the ortho doctor on Sept 8. Sure enough, he does have an issue with his growth plate...it's irritated and the only thing that will help is stretching and rest. We are going to try and get through this season, then see how it goes.

--A bit of a funny...we've been watching a vet show on TV and have seen some really interesting/graphic scenes.  My son was in the bathroom and pipes up that pooping is like giving birth to a goat!

--Our furniture is really falling apart. Like really...the sofa has holes in it, stuffing coming out of it....the faux leather coming off to where we are still finding black flecks of fabric all over the house.  I know that I tend to tie emotions to things like clothes...I just haven't been able to get rid of the kids' clothes from when they were little.  As it turns out, I think my son has the same thing. I decided it was just time to put the sofa on the curb. I was starting to move it when my son ran into his room, flung himself on the bed, and started crying. I was so surprised that I went into see what was wrong.....he said he was sad and didn't want to get rid of the couch.  I had not idea he'd have such a reaction to getting rid of the couch. Seems like we both have emotions tied to things....must be genetic ;)

--Not even sure what this was about, but I had taken a note about it. I said to my son, "Ok, What's the plan Stan?.....apparently he did not like that so he says, "First of all, my name's not Stan. Second of all, let's play yahtzee". That must have been back when he was obsessed playing yahtzee....he goes in phases. We are back to Uno now.

--My son actually asked if I could go to school meet him for lunch Sept 12. Parents can sign up and it seems I'm still cool enough to come see him at school. Yay.

--My son' is going to be a big kid--he had his 9 year well-visit and he's in the 85th percentile height 4 ft 7", 93rd percentile for weight  85.8 lbs youth medium size 8-10. Doctor looked up expected height and she said likely around 6'. I think he'll be taller but we will see. This year's birthday party was soccer themed 'Messi'.

Me: 

--Back on August 25 I had a consult to start personal training at a specialized facility that just does that. I decided that perhaps if I start moving more, the rest will fall into place more. I started with 3x week at first, then went to twice a week strength training and once a week cardio.  It was a huge commitment because it was extremely expensive (in my opinion) a few thousand dollars for 25 sessions. They only do personal training and it's at this strip mall of a place rather than a full gym. I was hopeful that since this is all they do they will be more personal i.e. get into the nuts and bolts about motivation, figure out what stumbling blocks you have, etc. and it hasn't really panned out that way. They are more of a walk you through exercise, just like ones at the Y do. I fell off the wagon with it for the last 3 weeks due to being sick and emotionally struggling, but I plan to go back tomorrow and start back up. I will finish out all of my sessions but I haven't found it worth the cost to continue further.  I really need to figure out how to focus on losing some of this weight. I tried no.om the online program before the personal training sessions, then got frustrated because it was a lot of effort (constantly thinking about food and calories all day long) for not much outcome. Not sure my next plan. Keep trying.

--frustrations with weight loss and lack thereof and just not having energy/motivation to do things. I thought with starting my personal training, getting more active, eating out less, and limiting caffeine I thought I would just feel so much better. And truth be told I don't. It was enough of an experiment to realize that perhaps I am still living with depression and not realizing it again--I have low motivation, I'm sleeping way too much...but I do have a positive out look on life, Im not sad. I talked to my Dr months ago about changing to a new rx and decided not to do it then....i didn't like the idea that you have to take it with food. However, over the last 3 weeks I just feel like it's worth trying. In process of getting insurance approval, then will see.

--On August 29th I went to my daughter's Jr high school--open house. I was able to walk through her schedule and meet all of her teachers, see the classrooms, etc.. I was pleasantly surprised and happy with those that I met. I also realized how much I like being in a school environment. It brings back a lot of good memories for me...I always like school, did well in school, had lots of friends and genuinely enjoyed learning. I was good at it!

--Since school has started I've turned into an uber. Every morning I take my son to the bus stop, then take my daughter to school....then Soccer is 3x a week(I do share carpool with Aarav's mom Neha) and theatre schedule varies (sometimes do carpool with Selina's mom), but this week (week of Oct 23) it's every day of the week until 6pm (pick up after that) and on Saturdays.  As it turns out, I actually DO like the kids having a split schedule in the morning. My son is an early bird so he gets himself going and I still do snack/water bottle. Then we go to the bus while my daughter is just waking up, or lying on the couch resting. Then he and I get to have our own time chatting in the morning so there are no fussies. I come back to my girl and she's now doing baths in the am, so she'll start the bath and I'll wash her hair if needed. It's just her and I. It's just much more peaceful in the morning, even though it makes my morning much longer. My son and I head to the bus at 7:35 then my daughter and I leave at 8:30, I get back home around 9:00. So far it's going fine. In the afternoons, they both take the bus home and my son gets home around 3:50-4:00 and my girl around 4:40. then dinner then stuff....

--My apartment tenant is moving out Oct 31--it's quite a bit of work to turn it over...have to relist (already did and got a new one coming Nov 1 yay!) and have to check for anything that needs fixing, re-key, etc.. make sure lawn taken care of, send all new tenant stuff to them, etc.. Hopefully this one will be low maintenance and pay on time.

--We've had 2 birthday parties...my girl turned 11 and had her first "location" birthday party other than the house. She wanted a roller skating party. So, she invited 9 other kids and we got a table at the rink. You bring your own cake, napkins, etc. and they provide a table, a colored tablecloth, skates, drinks, pizza, etc.. She and her friends truly enjoyed it...also they have a money machine where she got some dollars. Overall it turned out really well, they all got along, my son had his friend Aarav there so he wouldn't bother all the girls. I spent a lot of time sweating--but it was nice to chit chat w/ the other moms and share our angst at all of our girls starting middle school. Lots of others were having the same nerves.

--On Oct 7 evening I was home alone--both kids had something planned in the evening. It doesn't happen often. My girl was invited to her friend Parker's and my son was swimming at James's house and doing s'mores. As much noise as they bring and energy, when they are gone it's just so.......quiet. Like weirdly quiet It always makes me think that I'm going to just blink and my kids are going to be going off to college. I am constantly trying to stay present, enjoy whatever phase we are in. Being a stay at home mom allows me to really dig into life with kids that are still kinda young, young-ish...but on the verge of the next. 

I need to just post this because if I continue to try and catch up, this will sit in my draft folder even longer. I'd like to do better with frequency of posting....sometimes it feels like too much and if something can fall off, it's this. Perhaps that's a reflection of how I'm feeling. 

End of Summer 2023!

Well that was fast....blink and here we are starting school tomorrow, August 16th.  I am actually really proud and happy with how our summer turned out.  I think I scheduled the right amount of camps, mixed in with a flight to the Midwest, and the kids by themselves went to New Orleans for about 10 days. It was the first time all year I had to myself and this year I truly enjoyed it! I went into the city and tried new BBQ restaurants....grocery shopped at 9:00pm just because I could. I remember last year I was a stressed out complete mess when the kids were gone. But this year I worked on staying calm and doing things I really enjoy.

I feel things are a bit surreal, the best way I can describe it. I am on the cusp of having a middle schooler. I will have kids at 2 different schools.  For the last, well, since they were born it was always wondering about those firsts and how they will be. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that my girl is off to Jr. High. My kid is going to Jr. High.  Jr High is from 6th-8th here, and to be fair, if we were back in the Midwest she'd be going to her last year of elementary because there it goes to 6th grade....and there's a part of me that thinks I would feel better if she didn't go to Jr High until 7th.  She's one of the youngest kids in her class and during elementary that didn't seem to matter, but with this new year she was 10 and JUST turned 11....trying to navigate a whole new big school, 8 different classes, new schedule, etc.. All of her friends are turning 12 now which I think helps in the maturity and gaining confidence, etc.  I think Jr High is one of those pivotal, rights of passage that will be the beginning of so many more changes in my child. I'm here to support her every which way I can, but I'm nervous. It's a shift in our family--I have a big kid now. It's a shift in how I parent and communicate and a whole bunch of other things I've got to be ready for. Like when we went to Jr high orientation last week the kids went on their own for 1.5 hours, then parents had session w/ principal for .5 hours, then rejoined w/ the kids at the 2 hr mark. After the session I could tell she was extremely anxious. She was wanting to run out of the building but I wanted to walk her schedule as I had never been in the school before...it was quite stressful because I could see she wanted to know where to go, but at times didn't, then got flustered because she pointed us in the wrong way. It was a lot for her as later we discussed she struggled w/ the extreme loudness of the pep-rally, the chaotic way everyone was moving around to find rooms, and not really knowing the school....it was a lot. We spent time afterwards discussing how we can work through all of this change. It's a lot to handle for an anxious, newly 11 year old. Also, we have a change in navigating 2 different school start times, one at 8:10am and one at 8:55am. I will get ready w/ my son first, take him to the bus, then my daughter to bus. Although the first day of school my girl is worried the bus will be late so she asked if I could drive her. My son actually wanted to take the bus even though parents normally drive and walk their kids to the classroom. It's starting, isn't it? Where mom isn't cool. We went to his meet the teacher Monday night and it was a bit crazy as well with all of the parents and kids going in/out, filling out papers, dropping off supplies, etc..Both of his teachers are experienced, with one new to our school.  The biggest 'surprise' was Caroline is in my son's classroom.  This girl was in his pre-k 4 and they were so cute they'd hold hands together, etc. Like best friends. Then when they got to elementary it was all cute until she got a bit awkward and they had a falling out of sorts. She would literally stare at him and run the other way every time they were around each other.  My son has been teased endlessly from his sister and his friends about this girl...they'd sing the song my son loves Caroline, sitting in a tree kind of stuff. For years. And now she's in his class. I'm trying to help him navigate this by saying ok, if you start to get teased, just stay calm, don't react. If she stares at you, just ignore her.  He wanted to know how he could not turn red, could he control that? Lol. Will see how it goes.....this was the big 'issue' for him above all else. I hope the kids can actually fall asleep tonight!  One thing I was SO happy to hear was my son screamed out several times, 'I'm so excited!'....he never says he's excited, so it was music to my ears.

--Every time I travel back to the midwest I think about moving there. I LOVE how open it feels.....I love how there's not 20 lanes of traffic, there's only 2 or 4 at most. I love seeing endless fields...I love the clean air...I love the moderate temperatures compared to 100+ degrees for weeks on end. Things just move slower there....people drive nicely, hardly any road rage that I saw the whole time...other than my sister tailgating which she gets mad every time I tell her to back up. It's just so much calmer there. In all different ways.  A slower pace of life. I love seeing small towns.......and then I start thinking about the reality of living there....it's cloudy most of the time during winter. There is hardly any diversity. Everyone is white (a bit of an exaggeration). There is no major airport close by where you can fly direct anywhere. There's no Trader Joes, no Apple store within 2 hours...no amazing restaurants on every corner, no major sports teams. Small town living everyone knows everyone...and everyone knows your business. No major industry to make near the salary I could make here. So yeah....it's confusing. I like how I feel when I'm there, but I'm missing my conveniences of city living. What's the priority?

--This one probably deserves it's own post, but it's about my oldest sister. I actually have another older sister that I am estranged from. She lives in the midwest too but the choices she's made, and her kids have made, I have no desire to have that in my life. So, since my mom passed will be 15 years in September, my oldest sister and I have turned toward each other and built a relationship over the years. However,  I'm not sure if I've come out and said it before on this blog but she's an addict. She abuses prescription medication and has for years. We use softer language for it like she 'checks out' when she gets overwhelmed....she takes a few too many of this and that when needed, etc.. but the truth is, she uses it to cope and that is a problem.  We have struggled over the years with our relationship mainly due to her instability with her mental and physical health.  Several years ago she was in a dark place and she was seeing a Dr. that had no problem feeding her addiction and during those years (it was about 5) I could never predict what sister was going to show up. What would she do, how would she behave. In turn, I learned that I could not rely on her to be stable, nor to be the sister that I wanted and needed. And even though we've made a ton of progress over the years, especially the last 2 as she's seeing new Dr.'s and I'm involved w/ them, she still has issues. One of the things we've worked on, and even have had joint counseling sessions on, is communication.  She would sometimes just disappear, not return calls, texts, etc. and finally I said that doesn't work for me anymore. Over time I've put boundaries in place that if I call her, etc. and/or text she needs to respond. Even if it's just a 'K, call you later' kind of thing. It's improved quite a bit, however about a month ago she disappeared. For 2 days. Since we had made progress with communication I just knew something was wrong because she wasn't even reading my texts or calling etc. I debated calling to get a welfare check because I truly thought something terrible had happened. I ended up talking w/ my younger brother and he drove over to her house. He found her passed out on the sofa. She didn't know what day it was. She had no idea 2 days had passed since she was coherent. It was absolutely awful. And with that episode, my hope and all the love, time, and passion I put into helping her business get back to being profitable (I've been working as her office manager part time for over a year now) just felt like for nothing in those moments. My sister is an addict and with that comes a lot of feelings of grief that likely she will never be able to give me what I give her, be my rock and support when needed, be a sounding board, be stable, be reliable.  I'm still working through a lot of emotions with this because it's hard to want something so bad and have it falter over and over again. I don't ever give up hope, but it's hard.

--I now know why I don't do anything w/ social media.  For my own use, I've never had an active FB account where I posted pictures, no instagr, etc. just nothing. I stopped even posting pictures of my kids on this anonymous blog because I just don't like the idea of the endless abyss of the internet where once posted, it's no longer mine. However, every now and then I would look at links to pictures on instag so I do actually have that app. I stumbled on its home page where I can scroll and see all kinds of stuff. On 2 separate occasions now I got sucked into the scroll. Bad. I started looking and there were some clips where I absolutely howled w/ laughter...I spent hours just scrolling through story after story....and then I came upon some tragic ones where for example a mom posted about her young daughter passing away from a freak accident and she was writing posts and putting videos and pictures. I can't tell you how hard I cried reading those posts. At times I was wailing at the words from this poor mother who lost her only daughter. I just couldn't keep going, but I couldn't stop reading. I spent probably an hour looking up what happened to this poor child, reading all the posts her mom had done, and just crying and crying.  This was the second time this happened to me after a scrolling session. And I just won't do it. It's not healthy for me. It's not a great use of my time--either having accounts or scrolling through others. I'll stick w/ old school texting and blog reading......even go so far as group text. But that's about it. And I'm completely ok w/ it.  In addition, it's not just social media but technology in general. When I was in the midwest I consciously decided to not use my phone as much. Not scroll through my tabloids, read goog. news, etc. I basically just checked email and the weather. And you know what?? I truly did feel more calm. I 'unplugged' a bit from the little that I do and it felt good. Good enough to try and do more regularly.

--My eating plan went off the rails. I've learned that I am able to be more focused when I'm by myself in our daily, regular routine. But, if I have an interruption to that, really any interruption, it's a huge challenge for me to refocus.  For example if I have a visitor--lights out. If I have any sickness then recovery--lights out. If I'm stressed--lights out. If my refrigerator gets empty--lights out. I just completely fall apart. I think what's been helpful is that I have learned a lot about what my triggers are and being successful w/ getting healthier has to incorporate how to manage through.  I've also learned that when I'm on a plan that counts calories it is all consuming. I was constantly doing math in my head about do I have enough calories for this or that. I thought about food all day long. I'm not sure that was good for me. My doctor suggested the popular drug that is all in the news, but my insurance doesn't cover it. I think my next step is now that the kids are back in school I'm going to refocus my efforts on getting regular exercise again and start really small. Continuing to focus and try different things is still better than doing nothing.

And we are off to a new school year and all it has to bring!