Well that was fast....blink and here we are starting school tomorrow, August 16th. I am actually really proud and happy with how our summer turned out. I think I scheduled the right amount of camps, mixed in with a flight to the Midwest, and the kids by themselves went to New Orleans for about 10 days. It was the first time all year I had to myself and this year I truly enjoyed it! I went into the city and tried new BBQ restaurants....grocery shopped at 9:00pm just because I could. I remember last year I was a stressed out complete mess when the kids were gone. But this year I worked on staying calm and doing things I really enjoy.
I feel things are a bit surreal, the best way I can describe it. I am on the cusp of having a middle schooler. I will have kids at 2 different schools. For the last, well, since they were born it was always wondering about those firsts and how they will be. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that my girl is off to Jr. High. My kid is going to Jr. High. Jr High is from 6th-8th here, and to be fair, if we were back in the Midwest she'd be going to her last year of elementary because there it goes to 6th grade....and there's a part of me that thinks I would feel better if she didn't go to Jr High until 7th. She's one of the youngest kids in her class and during elementary that didn't seem to matter, but with this new year she was 10 and JUST turned 11....trying to navigate a whole new big school, 8 different classes, new schedule, etc.. All of her friends are turning 12 now which I think helps in the maturity and gaining confidence, etc. I think Jr High is one of those pivotal, rights of passage that will be the beginning of so many more changes in my child. I'm here to support her every which way I can, but I'm nervous. It's a shift in our family--I have a big kid now. It's a shift in how I parent and communicate and a whole bunch of other things I've got to be ready for. Like when we went to Jr high orientation last week the kids went on their own for 1.5 hours, then parents had session w/ principal for .5 hours, then rejoined w/ the kids at the 2 hr mark. After the session I could tell she was extremely anxious. She was wanting to run out of the building but I wanted to walk her schedule as I had never been in the school before...it was quite stressful because I could see she wanted to know where to go, but at times didn't, then got flustered because she pointed us in the wrong way. It was a lot for her as later we discussed she struggled w/ the extreme loudness of the pep-rally, the chaotic way everyone was moving around to find rooms, and not really knowing the school....it was a lot. We spent time afterwards discussing how we can work through all of this change. It's a lot to handle for an anxious, newly 11 year old. Also, we have a change in navigating 2 different school start times, one at 8:10am and one at 8:55am. I will get ready w/ my son first, take him to the bus, then my daughter to bus. Although the first day of school my girl is worried the bus will be late so she asked if I could drive her. My son actually wanted to take the bus even though parents normally drive and walk their kids to the classroom. It's starting, isn't it? Where mom isn't cool. We went to his meet the teacher Monday night and it was a bit crazy as well with all of the parents and kids going in/out, filling out papers, dropping off supplies, etc..Both of his teachers are experienced, with one new to our school. The biggest 'surprise' was Caroline is in my son's classroom. This girl was in his pre-k 4 and they were so cute they'd hold hands together, etc. Like best friends. Then when they got to elementary it was all cute until she got a bit awkward and they had a falling out of sorts. She would literally stare at him and run the other way every time they were around each other. My son has been teased endlessly from his sister and his friends about this girl...they'd sing the song my son loves Caroline, sitting in a tree kind of stuff. For years. And now she's in his class. I'm trying to help him navigate this by saying ok, if you start to get teased, just stay calm, don't react. If she stares at you, just ignore her. He wanted to know how he could not turn red, could he control that? Lol. Will see how it goes.....this was the big 'issue' for him above all else. I hope the kids can actually fall asleep tonight! One thing I was SO happy to hear was my son screamed out several times, 'I'm so excited!'....he never says he's excited, so it was music to my ears.
--Every time I travel back to the midwest I think about moving there. I LOVE how open it feels.....I love how there's not 20 lanes of traffic, there's only 2 or 4 at most. I love seeing endless fields...I love the clean air...I love the moderate temperatures compared to 100+ degrees for weeks on end. Things just move slower there....people drive nicely, hardly any road rage that I saw the whole time...other than my sister tailgating which she gets mad every time I tell her to back up. It's just so much calmer there. In all different ways. A slower pace of life. I love seeing small towns.......and then I start thinking about the reality of living there....it's cloudy most of the time during winter. There is hardly any diversity. Everyone is white (a bit of an exaggeration). There is no major airport close by where you can fly direct anywhere. There's no Trader Joes, no Apple store within 2 hours...no amazing restaurants on every corner, no major sports teams. Small town living everyone knows everyone...and everyone knows your business. No major industry to make near the salary I could make here. So yeah....it's confusing. I like how I feel when I'm there, but I'm missing my conveniences of city living. What's the priority?
--This one probably deserves it's own post, but it's about my oldest sister. I actually have another older sister that I am estranged from. She lives in the midwest too but the choices she's made, and her kids have made, I have no desire to have that in my life. So, since my mom passed will be 15 years in September, my oldest sister and I have turned toward each other and built a relationship over the years. However, I'm not sure if I've come out and said it before on this blog but she's an addict. She abuses prescription medication and has for years. We use softer language for it like she 'checks out' when she gets overwhelmed....she takes a few too many of this and that when needed, etc.. but the truth is, she uses it to cope and that is a problem. We have struggled over the years with our relationship mainly due to her instability with her mental and physical health. Several years ago she was in a dark place and she was seeing a Dr. that had no problem feeding her addiction and during those years (it was about 5) I could never predict what sister was going to show up. What would she do, how would she behave. In turn, I learned that I could not rely on her to be stable, nor to be the sister that I wanted and needed. And even though we've made a ton of progress over the years, especially the last 2 as she's seeing new Dr.'s and I'm involved w/ them, she still has issues. One of the things we've worked on, and even have had joint counseling sessions on, is communication. She would sometimes just disappear, not return calls, texts, etc. and finally I said that doesn't work for me anymore. Over time I've put boundaries in place that if I call her, etc. and/or text she needs to respond. Even if it's just a 'K, call you later' kind of thing. It's improved quite a bit, however about a month ago she disappeared. For 2 days. Since we had made progress with communication I just knew something was wrong because she wasn't even reading my texts or calling etc. I debated calling to get a welfare check because I truly thought something terrible had happened. I ended up talking w/ my younger brother and he drove over to her house. He found her passed out on the sofa. She didn't know what day it was. She had no idea 2 days had passed since she was coherent. It was absolutely awful. And with that episode, my hope and all the love, time, and passion I put into helping her business get back to being profitable (I've been working as her office manager part time for over a year now) just felt like for nothing in those moments. My sister is an addict and with that comes a lot of feelings of grief that likely she will never be able to give me what I give her, be my rock and support when needed, be a sounding board, be stable, be reliable. I'm still working through a lot of emotions with this because it's hard to want something so bad and have it falter over and over again. I don't ever give up hope, but it's hard.
--I now know why I don't do anything w/ social media. For my own use, I've never had an active FB account where I posted pictures, no instagr, etc. just nothing. I stopped even posting pictures of my kids on this anonymous blog because I just don't like the idea of the endless abyss of the internet where once posted, it's no longer mine. However, every now and then I would look at links to pictures on instag so I do actually have that app. I stumbled on its home page where I can scroll and see all kinds of stuff. On 2 separate occasions now I got sucked into the scroll. Bad. I started looking and there were some clips where I absolutely howled w/ laughter...I spent hours just scrolling through story after story....and then I came upon some tragic ones where for example a mom posted about her young daughter passing away from a freak accident and she was writing posts and putting videos and pictures. I can't tell you how hard I cried reading those posts. At times I was wailing at the words from this poor mother who lost her only daughter. I just couldn't keep going, but I couldn't stop reading. I spent probably an hour looking up what happened to this poor child, reading all the posts her mom had done, and just crying and crying. This was the second time this happened to me after a scrolling session. And I just won't do it. It's not healthy for me. It's not a great use of my time--either having accounts or scrolling through others. I'll stick w/ old school texting and blog reading......even go so far as group text. But that's about it. And I'm completely ok w/ it. In addition, it's not just social media but technology in general. When I was in the midwest I consciously decided to not use my phone as much. Not scroll through my tabloids, read goog. news, etc. I basically just checked email and the weather. And you know what?? I truly did feel more calm. I 'unplugged' a bit from the little that I do and it felt good. Good enough to try and do more regularly.
--My eating plan went off the rails. I've learned that I am able to be more focused when I'm by myself in our daily, regular routine. But, if I have an interruption to that, really any interruption, it's a huge challenge for me to refocus. For example if I have a visitor--lights out. If I have any sickness then recovery--lights out. If I'm stressed--lights out. If my refrigerator gets empty--lights out. I just completely fall apart. I think what's been helpful is that I have learned a lot about what my triggers are and being successful w/ getting healthier has to incorporate how to manage through. I've also learned that when I'm on a plan that counts calories it is all consuming. I was constantly doing math in my head about do I have enough calories for this or that. I thought about food all day long. I'm not sure that was good for me. My doctor suggested the popular drug that is all in the news, but my insurance doesn't cover it. I think my next step is now that the kids are back in school I'm going to refocus my efforts on getting regular exercise again and start really small. Continuing to focus and try different things is still better than doing nothing.
And we are off to a new school year and all it has to bring!
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