Changes

Give things time and they usually change somehow....for me, my period of being a stay at home mom is coming to an end. After 2 years and 1 month, I'll head back into work this upcoming Monday. I've been saying for awhile that I think I'm ready for 'what's next', not exactly sure what that might be.  I had a good long run being at home full time and I learned quite a bit about life and myself. Here are some thoughts I have:

• I think the pandemic clearly changed in so many ways possible what a 'normal' change from work to stay at home would have been like. In March of 2020 we were just learning more about the virus and now we are showing 996,916 deaths in the united states. I remember early on when they were predicting 600,000 and I thought they were out of their minds then.  So so sad. Layer on that early fear--not wanting to touch anything, imagining breathing in something that could kill you, everything shutting down, me learning out of sheer necessity how to manage a day 24/7 with children....a schedule, cooking, tutoring, etc.. It was a bit mad.
• It can be very lonely.  I'm not a social person by nature, so I wasn't clamoring to join any 'clubs' and frankly w/ the pandemic, nothing was available even if I was looking. I'm imagining it may be different if you had a husband come home from work at the end of the day?....but I could be rose-coloring that because many married people say it's like adding another kid.
• After the shut down and kids went back to school in Fall of '21 I literally just exhaled. And slept and slept and slept. I think all of that sleeping was good in a way because I had been running of fumes for a long while....however, I also think it contributed to a depression I didn't realize I had gotten into.
• I do better when I have a 'forced structure' where I have to be somewhere. It was hard for me to put a schedule in place that was arbitrary and stick to it. If I made it, then I could change it. My follow through really lacked over the last few years.
• Which leads me to the fact that I procrastinate far more than I thought I did. It was waaay too easy to say eh....tomorrow.
• Having time doesn't mean you will get all the stuff done you've been saying 'If only I had more time'. I still have the boxes in my room stacked against the wall. Sadly, we've lived here this year going on 7 years.
• I'm not overweight because of work.  Another failed thinking....'if only I had time to work out, I'd be so much healthier'.  Nope. It's a choice. I've had two years to work on my health and I weigh more now than I ever have. Now, the depression didn't help that, that's for sure.  It's hard to know what to attribute things to.....was I not motivated because I was depressed? OR was I depressed because I had no motivation?  Maybe a little of both?  
• It's hard to make friends when you get older. It's even harder to make friends when you aren't around people by nature of work or school.
• I really love watching sports....when the pandemic happened and everything was cancelled, I remember watching a game for the first time in 6 months and I cried when they played the star spangled banner.
• I put pressure on myself that was unnecessary.  Especially about taking naps. I for some reason felt like taking a nap was something I 'shouldn't' do everyday.....and if I did, then it was wasteful. I'm wasting time! If I could rewind I would tell myself to just be.....and remove any self-imposed pressure about what 'should be'.
• I was able to completely release work stress and had NO idea how much I was carrying. I had lunch w/ an old colleague the other day and she was telling me all about some of the drama she was having w/ her coworker. I felt my chest tighten, I felt my shoulders clench, I felt the familiar stirring in my stomach....I was getting worked up by the story she was telling. And that used to be my daily existence.  Stress is awful. To feel it physically and mentally.  What is great is that now that I have stepped out so long, I very easily recognize the signs of it creeping back in. What I plan to do differently is not let it build and build and build.....and doing that will take more self care. I may need to take some naps. I may need to take a 1/2 day vacation and go get a message.
• Being a single stay at home mom is hard work. Even if your kids are at school.  That is only a short time in the whole 24 hours you are mom-ing. 

I'm sure there are more tidbits that as I continue to reflect, I will capture somehow. I'm actually excited and admittedly somewhat nervous about going back to work.  The new job will be a long commute 3 days a week, then work from home 2 days a week. But it's in an industry I've worked in my whole career and I'm confident. I really liked several of the people I interviewed with and what it boils down to, for me, is to do good work, with good people, and make a difference. Hopefully I can adjust to the pace again quickly.

With summer looming in just a few short weeks, of course childcare was next up on the list. I looked at many different options...camps, babysitter, daycares, etc. and landed on having a full time babysitter who can help take them to a few special camps the kids will choose...my girl wants to take an art camp and my son wants sports. I networked a lot to try and find someone. I'm a bit nervous about having someone new come in and hope the kids do well with, etc.. She's a college student home for the summer and I'm just hoping for the best. We met her last weekend and the kids seemed to like her. My priority is safety and punctuality. Hopefully the rest will fall into place. 

It's been a bit bumpy for both kiddos....my son had awful allergies, then unfortunately had pneumonia for awhile as well. I mentioned before that he missed a lot of school....well, he missed a lot more. The registrar lady sent in her email he missed 25 days this year. OMG. I'm hoping I can keep him in school for the next few weeks so we don't have any more calls or letters. We are winding down on the soccer season, today was his last practice and Saturday will be his last game.  It was 'a lot' added to our days with both of them playing...Soccer Tue, Wed, Thurs, and 2 games on Saturday. I would say even though his team wasn't the greatest, his coaches sure were and I really really liked it. My son did too and I'm sure we will play again next year. I think this Fall he will sign up for flag football with a buddy in his class in a new league, then basketball in winter, then soccer again next spring. For sure we will try to get w/ this coach again...when my son was on the mend w/ being sick coach asked if he wanted to just come to practice and 'coach'. When we got there he had already laid out the practice plan on a sheet of paper and gave it to my son as an outline...then let him help lead the practice. Kudos to him for how thoughtful that was....in addition he checked in to see how he was doing.  Now that was great.

As for school, my son has had it and is ready for it to be over. He really has some knucklehead kids in his class and he's been so frustrated all year by Bailey, Sophia, and Ezra. I was pretty underwhelmed with his teacher as well....so I'm just going to hope next year he's in a better classroom w/ a better fit for a teacher.

Here's a wonderful note my son wrote to me when I told him I had a bad dream...I don't even remember what it was now.

"Hope you have a happyer dream that have a dream that we all went on a picnic together in a sunflower field on a sunny day in a rainbow"......Adorable.

My girl apparently has a green thumb....just like my mom. She found a small aloe vera leaf and wanted to save it. I said sure not thinking or expecting it to survive. Well, it's now the plant on the right. In addition, all on her own she brought home a seed from school, planted it, and now it's the plant on the left.  So impressed.

I got this card for her the other day and left it on her pillow with some loving words. She's had a rough go for awhile now and I just wanted her to know how amazing, beautiful, and strong she is....and when she felt down she could pick up this card and reread it. And since she loves loves her sweets....the donut picture was perfect. Because of her current struggles, we decided to end her soccer season early. It was just too much for her. I told her I was proud of her for participating as long as she could and hope she doesn't lose her wanting to play because this season was a bit much. She progressed a lot and even scored a goal during the season.

I had to do a double take the other day. We were watching TV and I saw a show where Oprah was talking. I said that I hadn't seen a show of hers in so long. My girl turns to me and says, 'Who is Oprah?'. WHAT? It completely didn't dawn on me that she would have no idea who she was....of course not because she hasn't grown up w/ Oprah like we all did. But doesn't everyone just know who Oprah is?? LOL

My girl was/maybe still is a little bit obsessed with fidgets and popits. It's all the rage in school here this year. She started her own little collection and every time I turned around she had more than when she started. And I was not buying them for her. Apparently she 'traded' for them. Well, I'd say she doesn't need help in negotiating skills.

As usual things have been up and down. I'm starting to just realize that that's just how it is with parenting.....I guess it's normal to have long stretches of challenges and just when one gets solved, another pops up. My goal is to stay present, keep myself in check, create an environment that is positive, and one where they feel comfortable coming to mom as needed. I grew up in a household where there was a lot of tension w/ my Dad and I just don't want that for my kids. I may overcompensate by trying really hard to very quickly deflate arguments rather than let them work it out, or split them apart physically when I feel something is brewing, and maybe even sometimes intervene more than necessary to keep the peace....but that's ok with me.

I'm a crockpot

It's been an 'interesting' few weeks since Spring Break in our house. One of the big things is unfortunately my daughter hasn't adjusted well at all since the time change. In addition, she started getting sick last Friday and has been a bear since then. She's having more episodes, almost nightly again, so the struggle is real. It's always a challenge when she's not feeling well. She came home early on Friday...insisted she go to school yesterday because her teacher had her first day back from maternity leave, then when I brought her some medicine at noon she looked awful, so I took her home. Then she was home today as well. For some reason, over the last year my kids have picked up SO many viruses, bugs, etc.. For awhile there someone was sick here for 3 months straight. I wish I was joking. So, both my kids missed a lot of school.

ALERT: mother of the year award. I just got two notices in the mail, one for each kid, that they missed more school than is allowed which is 8 days (even if they are excused) and will now be required to have a Dr.'s note for any future misses. In addition, my son missed so many that he is now on a 'plan'...I don't really know what that means, I think the assistant principal has to do something...I don't know, maybe I should read the letter again. With my son I was a bit lenient because really....who cares if he misses things in first grade, which he knows how to do already anyway. 

I will say I was a bit annoyed w/ our pediatrician today....so I had to take my daughter in to her as she legit has been sick...terrible cough, fatigue, congestion, etc.. I told her school is requiring a note and she turns to my daughter and says well, you have to try and stay at school...stay home for just fever, throwing up, and diarrhea. Yes those are good reasons, but viruses/colds are miserable too. Why should I force my kid to go to school when they feel awful? I don't get it. Maybe I'm soft...or it's easy for them to come home or be home because I'm here. Or, she was just annoyed that she had to write notes for a visit that she thought unnecessary. But, I'd rather have them coughing all over me than their classmates, in addition, I know how sickness affects my daughter. I mentioned to the pediatrician we've had a spike in behavior issues also and she didn't even comment. I'm starting to really be unimpressed w/ our Dr., especially given the challenges my girl has had over the years. Over time, she's just seems too busy to really seem to care anymore....or take an interest in helping work through issues that aren't just basic.

To continue w/ the medical stuff...we are currently in allergy season and my son's allergist said last year if we get 'ahead' of the spring i.e. start medication on Feb 1, then we should be good. Well, she was wrong. His allergies got so bad again this year starting a few weeks ago, in addition to a head cold, so she put him on steroids. His eyes would itch so bad, congestion, puffiness...just awful. So, he'll need to start allergy shots since all the medication he is taking just isn't working.

I'm proud of myself....I decided that I really need to start focusing on my health...the exact reason why I took a break from corporate america. So, I signed up w/ a trainer at the local Y. Twice a week we will meet and I just went to my first session on this past Monday.  When I saw my reflection in the full length mirror I had so many thoughts run through my head....but mostly I kept telling myself we need to start low (w/ weight amounts) and go slow (to avoid injury). Low and slow. Low and slow.....then it occurred to me. I'm a crockpot.

I wasn't feeling at all bad about having to 'start over' in a sense as it's been years since I've actively worked with resistance and bands. I was proud of myself for simply showing up. I really didn't care that I could only do the 10lbs kettleball, or the 'green' resistance band. That truly didn't bother me. I suspect she has clients it does bother because she kept saying, 'not to worry, we'll work up to heavier, etc..'.  I kept telling her I'm totally fine going low and slow. I told her I would try hard and do what I physically could. What I was surprised by was how out of shape I am.....not cardio-wise because I can ride bikes and walk w/ kids, etc.. but just my limited body strength. And, how I now have bad knees. They used to bother me just doing certain movements, but when we tried a few moves that I could do in the past..ouchy. They still bother me today so we are really going to have to limit bending at the knee while putting weight on them.

Overall, it felt good to get back in the gym...I liked her a lot, she's one year older than me...I'm 47 now. Oy. But she seems so much older, for some reason. Anyway,  I have a lot of work to do, but I didn't pack on this weight overnight. Not by a long shot. Just getting moving is a positive first step. I'll need to work on my nutrition, adding more activity through my day, etc.. but I'm really working on being proud of what I do. I may have come home from my first session and took a nap, but that's ok. Next appointment is Thursday.

Spring Break 2022

Tomorrow ends our week long Spring Break this year.  I had made no plans up until last Saturday night. I didn't know how everyone was going to be, how we were going to feel, would everyone be healthy, would I want to do anything? Last year the kids went to old nanny's house. (I suspect in the future I'll have a hard time remembering when I say old city, new city...like, where was that again? ) So, instead of being vague, I'm just going to put in specifics. We went to New Orleans. That's where old nanny lives, Amy.

Anyway, this year the plan came together Saturday night it was just going to be the kids, meet in the middle, pick up later this week, etc.. but on Sunday morning the kids had assumed I was going, so when I said I hadn't planned to, my daughter actually said she reeeeeally wanted me to go. I actually thought about it when I woke up anyway because while a break from the kids would be nice, I was worried I would just sleep a lot and feel worse over the week. Maybe getting out of town, different scenery, etc would be good for me. So, we loaded up and drove.....and drove....and drove. Normally it's a 5.5-6 hour drive but it took us 7 because just lots of traffic.

The trip itself was fine....however Amy had gotten a new puppy 6 months ago....and staying in a house with an untrained out of control dog was very stressful. It was the jumpy kind that scratched the crap out of my son's back, legs, and even his face. Got my daughter's arms/legs too. I was getting pretty upset by it all and frankly was going to call it an early trip, but after awhile the dog settled somewhat. She kept it on a leash inside the house so it wouldn't run after all of us. I have my own thoughts about the dog i.e. she lets the dog be in control just like her child, but I would of course not say so. The kids had fun going up on the levy, we went to a park, they were able to go bowling, get snowballs. 

I actually drove around places that I haven't been in 20 years. I actually started my career in New Orleans back in 2002 straight out of graduate school. Talk about culture shock--midwest to New Orleans. I drove by the little duplex I lived in....it's on a corner where my door faced one street, the other door faced the other, across the street from a block of park....and it felt like I had my own little place. If I'm not mistaken, my rent back then was $750/mo. It was hard in a way because I had all of these memories flood back when I was living there the first time, my parents and sister came to visit, etc., And, as I drove along the lakeshore and saw the water, I remembered rollerblading along there back when they didn't even have a great pedestrian place to do it. I remember the feelings of not having any cares, being nervous/apprehensive, but all in to learn about my new, first corporate america job....a complete freedom that existed when I had no one else to take care of. I actually had tears as well because it reminded me so much of when my mom was alive. I know I still have deep sorrow about her. I've never had anyone love me like my mom did....my soul was at peace when I was with her. Comforted, taken care of, nutured. So, I parked, got out of the car, and just sat on the bench overlooking the water....letting the tears roll.

Then, shortly after that I drove by our old pediatricians office and my worlds collided....my mom, my life before kids, life with kids. I'm not sure what I expected....well, that's not true, I expected to have this nostalgic tour and the 'hey cool 'remember when's'....and all these good feels, but honestly I just felt kind of sad. So, I had enough of that and went back to the kids. We did end up having a short trip anyway, because I slept pretty badly the entire time, I was really bothered by the dog, so we drove back on Wednesday....again, 7 hours home. 

Thurs-today has been a bit trying because sleep is off w/ the kids too ( I curse daylight saving time) and there has been a lot of grouchiness w/ my girl, and even my son has lost his temper quite a bit. We all are a bit out of sorts now that I think about it.  I'm looking forward to school on Monday, back to the swing w/ soccer practices and games, etc.. Weekends go much better when we are busy. Not sure I mentioned but we are all liking our new league for soccer.....it is a lot w/ the practices, but they are learning and having fun.

Some tidbits....

My son: His new vocabulary--'hey bro'....'that's sick'....he's 7, not seventeen.  Our bedtime routine has changed over time..I used to read to them both in the rocker in my son's room, get them down in their beds, ping pong back and forth to tuck them in because usually one or the other would not stay until I came in....then as my girl got older she wasn't as interested in the books so she started to let me read to him, then come in to her. 

For the longest when tucking in my son we would talk, then as I was leaving his room we would go: 'G'night'. 'Love you'. 'Sleep well'. 'See you in the morning'. 'Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz'. (this came from a version of Dr. Suess words) It had to be in that order or we'd have to start over. And with one of us starting it, then back and forth.  Then we got cool and when it got to the zizzer part one of us would say, 

ME-" Zizzer"

HIM-"Zazzer"

ME-"Zuzz"

Then we got even cooler by splitting up the last words:

ME:-“Zizz”, he’d shout out “ER”

ME:-“Zazz”, HIM-“ER”

ME:-“Zuzz”, HIM-“UH”….with each word getting progressively louder.

Eventually, this faded away after the longest time of this being our routine. Now, our newest thing is I lay next to him in his bed and we actually do a wordsearch puzzle. He really likes them and one day asked if we could do one right before bed. Sure thing. It's so cute he gets out several markers each time and he then let's me choose my marker color. Then he looks at the puzzle straight on, and I'm looking at it upside down and use my left hand. We try to finish one puzzle before I go into my girl's room. There's something very satisfying and relaxing about doing that puzzle w/ him before bed. I look forward to it actually!

My girl: She just shared w/ me that one of her good friends at school Hazel is moving. That makes me sad for her...I know that she makes friends easily, but after making a friend and spending all school year together, it will be an adjustment. She is really liking soccer. I'm glad to see that because we took a break from organized sports when we were going through issues last summer through the Fall. I felt we were finally at a point to let her try again this Spring, and it's going well. Not every day is smooth, but we've come a ways from where we've been.

Me: Next month in April it will be 2 years since working corporate america....the first year was spent taking care of kids during the pandemic, then second year was still the pandemic and was me just trying not to put pressure on myself about being productive, sleeping as much as I "needed" to and getting into a depression unknowingly. And now....I'm itchy, a bit lonely, and tired of sleeping. Now I'm feeling like I'm wasting time, not doing much during the day when the kids are at school. I do things...errands, calls, emails, and such....but I guess for me wasting time is not actively working on a project of some sort. I do still think I'm in a bit of a depression, but I'm not wanting to stay there. I reached out to the Y to ask about getting a trainer 2 times a week. I'm bummed that they didn't respond to the request online--which is their process--and I also emailed the director, no response. I'll try again on Monday to get through because I want to start strength training again/weights. I really enjoy it, and I'm thinking it will be much lower impact than putting all my weight on my ankle when doing the treadmill. I've also encouraged myself to not eat out as much. Just thinking of things I can change, even if not everyday....little changes that will add up. I'm 'kinda' looking around at returning to work. I've thought a lot about what I DO get from work...a built in schedule, socialization, using my brain.... and money and benefits of course. Can't ever have enough of that, can you?

And school is out in about 2 months. Oy vey.

Sports

I actually got a spam comment for the first time (that I know of) in 10 years of this blog. I deleted it and hopefully won't get any more. I do really appreciate the actual comments I get from you all and I read every one of them. Sunflower, I follow your blog and can't believe how big your girl is getting and all the things she is doing. I still think about the loss of your dad and wondering how you are coping over time.

Something I also just noticed for the first time is that I started this blog in August of 2011 and had no idea I would welcome my baby girl just one year after starting this blog, born August 2012. I never put that together until just now when I was looking to see when I even started this thing. The time before. Before I had kids truly seems like a lifetime ago. I've been trying to conceive, was pregnant, or have been raising kiddos for the last almost 11 years. Just wow.  Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go of that stage. Well, the stage of building my family. You spend so much time working towards that, then your brain is in a fog for years, you don't sleep well for at least 7 years (for me), and you look up and your kids are mini adults. Opinions, ideas about their futures....its crazy.

I titled this sports....and mostly because tonight was the first time we've been in sports where there is practice during the week.  All along, since the kids were 3+, we've done a few different leagues. We did a soccer program that I loved where they had trained coaches teaching them fundamentals, then they would have scrimmages. We started there, then when my son was about 5 we tried a new league with basketball for both of them. That was a lot 'bigger' of a league and so many people and kids. A bit overwhelming if I'm honest. This was pre-covid of course. The bigger league has many different sports so we also did flag football, and soccer in this one too. These leagues worked out well when the kids were littler because you had practice/games on same day, one day during the weekend. Easy (ish) to manage.

I'm finding as the kids get older, our needs are changing. I think if they want to continue playing sports, they are needing a bit more structure and a bit more coaching.  The bigger league I mentioned earlier is made up of parent coaches, and our experience all depended on who we got assigned to, such a mixed bag. We had an amazing experience in that first basketball league when my son was 5--coach was just outstanding....and right now we are having the worst experience in flag football where the coach is so negative. Last week he yelled in his son's face during the game and made him run to the endzone and back for messing up.....all the while the boy's mama was on the sideline yelling 'run faster Jackson'. OMG. How humiliating for that kid. BTW I did report this to the league director as this is totally against their policies. We call him coach 'baldy basics'. Baldy also only played his kid and the assistant coaches kid at quarterback. They are actually supposed to rotate the kids so I even went up to him a few times and asked if my son could play some offense. He said it takes time. Like time for what?  It was all just so frustrating because we schlepped out there every Saturday for the past few months in the freezing cold just so my son could 'kind of' play. And the sad thing is, my son is a pretty good athlete. Based on how crappy our experience has been, another first....I've never quit a sport during a season in my entire life. Never. And I didn't think I would allow my kids to either. However, I finally threw in the towel after last week's shenanigans and my son and I agreed we were done w/ this league and this season (there was only 2 more Saturdays to go anyway). I told him we could quit. Neither of us were having fun and every week we'd come home so frustrated. It was awful. Why do this to ourselves? He's 7.

So, all that to say we are trying a new league for soccer for both my son and daughter. They are in U9 and U7 levels of soccer if that means anything to anyone. I had heard about this league years ago from my kids' pre-k 3 teacher Ms. Johanna. She had 4 active kids and said they had great experiences. I've shied away from it because she said they had practices during the week. I couldn't justify running around to practices after school when my kids were so little. And, that made for such a long day for them that I worried it would just be too much. Even now I feel like they are still young for this type of commitment, 9 and 7....but if this allows us to get a better experience, i'm more open to it. My girl has practice 2X a week from 5:30-7 on Tues and Thurs and games on Saturday, and my son has practice 1X a week on Wednesday from 5-6, games on Saturday. I am hoping hoping they have games at different times so I can watch them both.

I will also say I am SO proud of myself. I tend to not be very social at these things while Im sitting watching....but as I came up to the new crowd for my girl I introduced myself to everyone. Then when we went over the field I sat next to a mama that had 2 others kids with her and we chit-chatted on an off the whole practice. I enjoyed it! The best part about it is, I asked my girl how she thought it went and she said, "Amazing!". Although she very politely asked me to stop talking on the car ride home because she was so tired ;).  

We will see how this goes over time. Soccer 4 days a week. Yes, I am now THAT parent.

A few more tidbits I captured: 

In September shortly after school started I asked my son: How was your day?  His response? "It's ok. Things happened. It ended".  Boy of many words, huh.

In January my son and I were talking about work and he pipes up, "Yeah, moms work and Dads stay home". It made me truly stop in my tracks and think, well....in his world, that's exactly what happens! We do have some friends where the Dad is a stay at home Dad, so that's perhaps where he picked that up, not really sure.

Also, my kids and I were talking about the neighbor boys spending the night. I told my kids that since they fight for their mama, likely they will fight more with me. My son says, "Well, that won't happen because you are such a good parent". My daughter then pipes in, "Yeah, you are". All of this was unprompted. It literally brought me to tears...I told them how nice it was to hear that from them. As my tears were coming my daughter jumps up, comes around the table, and tenderly wipes them away, then she gave me a kiss. Then my son gave me a kiss. MELT my heart.

Just this past month my daughter showed me again how huge her heart is.....She brought home a slip from school that asked parents to buy recorders for music class. At the bottom of the slip it had a circle to check that said "I would like to donate my change to the music dept to help buy recorders for students who cannot afford to buy one". Before I even read it she says, "Can I do the bottom part and I want to use my own money". Of course she could! What a truly thoughtful thing to do....in addition, my son went and got money of his own to add to the envelope.

It's times like these that make me feel like I truly am doing something right. I do feel like my kids are grounded, kind, and thoughtful kids. I preach Kindness more than anything else in the house. It's actually rule number one of our Family Rules : Always be kind to each other. What I love to see is some of my messages and important beliefs are actually ooozing into the kids and they are mimicking some of it unprompted. An example of this is dinner conversation. I don't allow any electronics during meals or outside the house even. When we have dinner, it's time for us to just be present and talk. I always ask the kids to tell me something about their day. No matter how small, or how bored they may be with me asking, they do come up with something.  I really feel proud when one of them starts the conversation all on their own and says, so, how was your day? I feel strongly that kids need to learn social skills and conversation skills. We practice regularly and I don't worry taking them out to eat at a restaurant or in public because they know how to act. It reminds me we just went this past Monday to eat and looked at the table over. The two teenage boys were glued to their phones, simultaneously sipping their sodas, while the mama and dad scrolled on their phones too. Does anyone talk to each other anymore? Can anyone shop without their 3 year old glued to a screen? Yes it's harder. Sometimes infinitely harder. But, I guess that is a value of mine that my kids know how to operate w/out technology. I know I sound like a bit of a hypocrite because I was just talking about how their home ipad usage exploded this past year...but I feel like it's all still in moderation to the situation.

Off my soapbox.

As for me, I'm still working with my Dr. to try and find a new combination that will work. We've tried 3 different things now and I can't say I've seen much/sustained improvement. It's a work in progress, but what I'd really like is to not come home from dropping the kids off and feel such a strong urge to crawl back in my bed until around noon. That has been my pattern during the week and it's just not productive. I don't like it, but yet it is so hard to talk myself out of it. It's the one part of the day where I feel like I can truly exhale because I know the kids are taken care of at school and I can just exhale. Perhaps that's the balance of single parenting and just only school time as the break in parenting. I do need to keep reminding myself that I am still doing this by myself. All the time.  So yeah, I guess the depression is still lingering. Going to keep working on it and hope we can work something out and I get some sort of energy/motivation back. Minimally I'll at least be moving around a lot more due to our new soccer schedule ;)

Dear 2022

Dear 2022-Please let us be healthy this year. We struggled a lot w/ your friend 2021 with a very long list of things. It started with Covid and then it just kept going. We had terrible allergy issues, dental issues, dermatology issues, mental health issues, as well as non-stop flus/viruses/and infections from Oct 31-the new year '22. It was one thing after another all. year. long. If we can even have a little less of this.....we will be off to a much better year. Thank you. Sincerely, ME 

Not sure I even discussed the dental/derm issues in an earlier post but: My 9 year old had braces all year long (no idea that's a thing now) and I had a tooth that had a crown and root canal, and unfortunately it failed in March and the tooth had to get extracted, then implant. It's a several month process and the extraction didn't go well from a healing so he had to 'go back in' twice. A 2 month toothache hung out w/ me in '21. In addition, I had a not good/but not bad spot on my arm that the Dr. decided to remove, taking layers out of my arm and sewing it back together w/ a 2" scar. I don't know what happened in our house or why, but I've amped up the vitamins, etc. to get our immune systems kick started again in the hopes we can just get a break. I was really really hopeful things seemed to settle (Finally a few weeks into January), however my son just this week picked up a stuffy nose/mild temp. Just BIG fat sigh. 

Last year my kids turned 9 and 7.  That means this year I will have a child that is turning double digits.  I really just can't. I just can't yet.  I have really struggled in letting nature do what it does, and watch them grow up. I get an achiness in my chest when I think too much about it. It's not that I'm not excited about what's to come, because I am. And it's not that I don't enjoy more of the conversations and the 'hanging out together' as opposed to chasing screaming toddlers and changing diapers. It's just maybe I want to keep slowing it down, slower than time will let me....and that simply makes me achy and anxious, a little bit wistful, and even sad sometimes.  I truly loved loved hearing baby giggles, squishing fat, thick thighs, slobber kisses....of course there's things I loved (and struggled with) since becoming a parent. I shouldn't be surprised...I've struggled with the 'starting new stages' and 'letting go' all along. I remember thinking back and oh wow....my baby is walking, next thing I know they are running....then riding a bike...then able to do it without training wheels...then riding around the circle without mom watching....and now they ride without mom to the park. I'm seriously getting anxiety just typing this out. Poor mom!

I haven't been posting much, which used to be the way I would summarize and document what's happening in our lives. The best I've been able to do is at least keep notes on my phone so I dont lose the memories we've been making. Lately, I've kept a little log of new 'firsts'....as we just are in a new stage of life and parenting with a bit older kids now. I would call this more the: Stretching/Building Independence Stage. For example:

• Bath time. My son took a complete shower all by himself. From turning it on, to getting in, washing himself, turning it off, getting a towel and drying off, and then getting dressed.  That was major and doesn't happen regularly, but it has happened. Bath time in our house has always been a production, especially w/ one person running the show. When the kids were babies/toddlers, etc. I used to do bath time every night. It was just a great way to end the day and simply clean off all the yuck collected during the day. I would put everything we needed in the bathroom, then put both of them in the tub together, wash one and the other, then take one out while keeping an eagle eye on the one still in, then let the one loose I just washed and jammied up (but still in the closed bathroom), then finish up w/ the other. Lots of splashing, crying, and screaming of course. But, then we would open the door and wah-lah! When the kids first started to get bigger, I would still do bath every night, but I would then take them in the bath one at a time....one would go first, then the other. All the while both fighting for mom's attention and then running everywhere because they could open doors. And now, one may take a shower, one a bath in my super big tub. I do still have to round them up when it's time, which now is every other day generally, but if there's any kind of sweat, that equals a shower (mainly for my son, he inherited the serious sweating). I'm still asked to help them get ready for it and they still ask if I can 'talk w/ me?' during bath time. And I usually do. My daughter even tried to wash her own hair a few times....but it is so long and curly, that after a few tries she said yeah, mom, you can do it. So, even if it's in a different way, they are still 'needing' mom during bath time.
• My son is now tall enough that he doesn't need the booster seat at the barber.
• My girl asked for privacy when she was changing. That might have been a one time thing because in general, she doesn't care. We have also welcomed a new first sports bra into our house. A super soft silky smooth pink colored one from target. It took trying on about 8 different styles--from target to high-end retail, but one thing I love about my girl...she knows what she likes. When she decides, that's it. She is very finicky about how clothes fit her (she is still wearing leggings most of the time, and never jeans or anything else really except soccer shorts, but only on the weekends) so the fact that we could find one she loved I/we were so happy. It looked so cute on her I just couldn't handle it. She looks adorable and she has had no trouble wearing it. We actually talked about it because she had come to me and said her clothes were getting smaller, which they were, and she seemed uncomfortable. I asked her if she didn't like her chest area and she shook her head. I said ok sure! we can get you a really cute bralette or something like that and she got excited and asked if we could look online right then. That conversation went so well. In addition, we also had a puberty talk including a birds/bees talk. We also discussed (again) the fact that she was made a bit different i.e. in a Dr.'s office. Once we started talking it just kind of was matter of fact and I was really proud of myself.
• Physical Independence: My girl got her first watch for christmas...a cute little teal one, and she wears it all the time. It's come in very handy because also for the first time, I've let the kids go to our neighborhood 'swing park' by themselves on the weekends or sometimes after school. They can scooter or ride bikes there, and we agree ahead of time on what time they need to be back. I started out letting them go for like 10-15 minutes and over time, we've stretched it to about 30-45 minutes, in addition the rule is they need to stay together.  It's actually turned out so well because a) they have consistently earned trust and come back on time and b) there are two families we know that back up to that park. One of them is in my son's class-his best friend James. My kids go to his house and the 3 of them play. Also, an old colleague of mine that also backs up has 2 kids exactly my kids age-Johnny and Catherine-and just this past weekend my kids ran into them and the mama texted me that she also is working on letting them play more independently at the park and if my kids want to play to let her know. I feel better knowing that there are eyes close by if needed. I've thought more about a smartwatch for the kids so I can actually call or text them if needed, but this works ok for now.  Of course I initially felt very hesitant in allowing them to go....for many reasons. For years I watched them like a hawk and it's been a process to peel myself back a little and give them space i.e. 'slightly' open my mother hen wings. But, I'm proud of how I learned to ease up by taking baby steps. It really was little by little because we started out very small. First step was to allow them to go just in the backyard by themselves....then it stretched to only in the driveway, then into the circle with no bikes, then added the bikes/scooters, then a quick trip to pocket park around the corner, then the farther swingpark, then longer times. This whole evolution of physical independence has happened over the last two years or so. We live in a neighborhood with parks and trails where I feel safe, but of course I still worry. Also, there's the judgement--we were at sand park the other day and ran into another of my son's classmates and his mom. In meeting her for the first time, during the conversation she casually says.....'yeah, I think I saw your kids alone at swing park?'. Yup. That's correct.  Another first is that I've allowed my son to ride directly to James's house by swingpark all by himself for a playdate, and then he rode back home when done. This one I'm still nervous about, but he's only done this once so far. Likely I'll wait more time on this one for a future play date.  I know it's not like when I grew up. I get it. I was going to my neighbor's house all by myself when I was 5, riding around the town on my bike at 6+. Of course w/ a town of 800 people where everyone knew everyone and many decades ago, yes, it was a lot different. Just trying to figure out what works for us now.
• My girl has a real crush on the neighbor boy Teddy. Be careful what you ask for, right? We finally after 6 years get neighbors and they have 2 boys...Teddy 10 and Hugo 8. The older one gets along really well with both of my kids and plays here all the time. He's also taken to eating dinner with us regularly as well. He plays outside w/ my son and shoots hoops, throws football, etc..But, the younger one...well....he has a bit of an anger problem. He clashes a lot w/ my son because the boy tends to cheat, get rowdy and angry, etc.. I know Hugo's around because within about 5 minutes of them playing I'll hear someone screaming. I'm not sure the background but I know the mama bends his way quite a bit. Initially both boys would play, but over time the younger one stays back and and the older plays much more. It's more peaceful that way, so it's working out pretty well. Plus, we do a bit of back and forth with--hey, I need to run to the store quick, can they stay w/ your for a bit, etc.. It's the first time I truly don't feel any guilt asking someone if my kids can go over so I can do something without paying them. Is this what a community feels like?
• TV and the IPAD. I really miss the days when a cartoon on the just the television was enough. The earliest show my girl ever took any interest in was pajanimals on TV when she was around 18 months. Over time, we slowly added more shows, mostly all from PBS. Daniel, George, they would go in phases of what they would watch/be interested in. Eventually we got into peppa and for the longest, that's what they watched. Then around 4 my son took an interest in watching sports, so with his limited attention span, we would watch and he would come and go. We've always watched shows on the DVR or pbs with no commercials so my kids have no idea what it's like to have to sit through constant interruptions and advertisement--which I appreciated. Oh yeah, this happened awhile ago but they know how to completely control the tv/cable/and DVD with all the remotes. Anyway...then due to the pandemic in the spring of 2020, we were left with terrible school equipment for remote school so I got fed up and bought an ipad. Initially all I had on there was the pbs kids app and it was great. They watched it here and there and it was good, very structured times they could watch, etc.. It wasn't until I got covid at the beginning of 2021 that the IPAD usage took off. It was hard to function, let alone parent....so we downloaded our first game apps to give them something to do. It's kind of taken off since then. My limit on ipad usage went out the window then, and over last year with all that we went through, i just didn't care how much time they were spending on it. They know how to go to the app store and look for free games, etc..but I have to approve/download so I've really limited what we've put on there. AND, we still only have 1. Over the years my kids have left me pictures and notes regularly, which I save and completely love. Even these notes have changed over time.  Here are a few recent ones:

"Please can I get disney+. Reasons-Amazon u have to buy everything. I love you. I love you. I love you". From, my girl.

My son wanted to download his first REAL game on the ipad. Minecraft. He's asked for it for about 6 months and I didn't know much about it so basically said no, we've got plenty and we'd have to pay for it. Well, I did look into it further and decided it would be okay so as a surprise, I wrote on a piece of paper for christmas that he could download it. He literally started screaming once he realized what it said. Should have gotten video of that one. However, prior to Christmas, here's a letter he gave me:

"Can you buy minecraft please. I hope you say yes you will probably say no. I love you. It is kid-appropriate and because I am sick and I might be sick on christmas. If I am please buy it I still love you" Next page: "It is almost time for my ??" Third page: "You are the Best mom in the world".

• And last but not least, I still find a lot of joy in the things my kids say and do. Now that they can talk more and write things, it's gotten even more fun.  One night we were trying to order pizza and for some reason the store wasn't allowing me to use a coupon they had given me. I went round and round w/ them and was getting frustrated. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my son run into the kitchen, but wasn't paying much attention.  After I get off the phone next thing I know he is handing me this:

"I hope you will get your ten dollar discount on your next order. But if you don't get it I will get angry at them and I will get also get pissed at them and I love you and the sings too. I love you".

What do you do all day?

After being a stay at home mom for 1 year and 8 months now, I actually had someone (my neighbor) ask me the other day....'So, what do you do all day? Uh.......huh?? I was dumbfounded for a second, then responded with, 'You'd be surprised how much there is to do like laundry, shopping, etc'.....and she proceeds to say, 'That's what weekends are for'.

This was truly the first time someone's ever said that to me, so it took me by surprise. She knows I'm a single parent, but apparently that wasn't enough of a reason for how I could possibly stay at home when my kids are at school and fill my days.  The context around it was we were both talking to one of our new neighbors that moved into our circle with a husband and two boys 10 and 8. We were all three outside chit-chatting and I mentioned I was thinking about going back to work and it can be a bit lonely and isolating being at home. My neighbor who made the comment is probably early 30's, newly married, a teacher, and has no kids. She really has no clue what it's like. Good lesson to keep reminding ourselves of....the old saying of walk a mile....

She probably has no idea that I've spent 18 years working in corporate america-burned out for the last couple of years, simultaneously working projects in real estate, being a single parent for the last 9 years, having some major challenges with both of my children, no real local support around, my parents are both gone.....so yeah, neighbor. You know what I do all day??? You know what I've done since Fall of 2020 because I was home for 6 months 24/7 during lockdown until then??

Rest. And Lots of it.  I've been healing my body and mind from all that was 2020 and in some ways a harder year in 2021 that started out with Covid, a freeze that caused me to run a 3 month long remodel right up until April when my daughter got sick, and basically went from a functioning child to one that started to have meltdowns every few weeks to every week, to multiple times a week, to every single day, to multiple times a day....and usually over an hour every time. Where I had to put my son in my bedroom to keep him away from the chaos. I won't go into detail because I still feel very protective of my child, but suffice it to say, it was awful. A summer that was supposed to be filled with different summer camps I completely cancelled because we were struggling so much. I was desperate to find help from her pediatrician or new doctors, any doctor really, that could help us figure out what was going on and to help us. It's important to point out that over the last few years we have tried some medications. The biggest problem is that even if a few have worked well for awhile, when she gets a lengthy sickness, they eventually become ineffective. In addition to all of that, the therapist we started to see at the beginning of May turned out to be completely awful. 

Finally in beginning of August we went to a neurology clinic to run some basic testing, which came out clear, but through their office we were connected with a new doctor that started seeing us end of August. This Dr. was a beacon of light. Finally, someone who was SO smart, so well-educated, someone who was willing to think outside the box and dig in with us. Through hearing our story: sudden onset of symptoms, changes in behavior after getting sicknesses including strep, certainly two distinct times, with the most recent being April this year, and the complicated case of what we've gone through over the last few years, we discussed something that I had been researching and learning more about for the past year--a specific autoimmune disorder. There's a lot of information to read about, but what I also found is that it's a very controversial diagnosis. In addition to that, there is no magic course of treatment, even if the disorder is suspected.  So, the doctor we started to see in August tapped into his old colleagues at a children's hospital to find out what specialist would be best for us to consult with and set up a referral. We saw the new Dr. who is a rheumatology specialist at the children's hospital in October. After having a consultation with him, he believes there is an inflammatory component that is likely happening, saying it could be the autoimmune disorder, but of course that diagnosis is controversial.  We are in the process of figuring out what our forward path is, which likely is a variety of testing when she actually gets sick again so see what kind of markers may present themselves, what we can learn from that, and continue to make a plan forward.

There's a part of me that didn't even want to explain the last several months. Even though this blog is anonymous to most, there are a couple of people who do read this that actually know us. It's not my preference, but I certainly don't have much choice on whether they read. Also, sharing struggle feels vulnerable. We've been down such a long road. It's been so so hard and I'm not sure how much others can truly understand unless you live it somehow.

Something I've done for myself over the last several months is her beacon of light Dr. gave me a referral to a specialist therapist. A really really good one who actually focuses her practice on challenging situations like ours. I started doing therapy 2 days a week....one day was solely focused on the kids, and the other day was just about me. It's been very helpful. She's given me some strategies, some tools, some challenge on things to think about.....and also helped me realize I've gotten into a depression over the last 8 months or so and didn't even realize it. Why? Because I haven't been sad and crying. I really truly assumed that since I was feeling ok, hopeful for the future, etc. that it didn't even dawn on me that I might be depressed. I knew I lacked motivation and energy....but funny enough (well, not really funny) but me taking the kids to school, coming home to nap for a few hours, then not leaving the house some days wasn't a big enough clue that I could be depressed. This IS something I want to shout about....if you even have an inkling that something is off, see a professional. When I did follow up with my Dr. and mentioned those details, he said that about 60% of his patients who have depression don't actually feel sad and cry all day. Who knew? 

The other thing going forward is insurance. It may be a moot point because as I've mentioned earlier I've thought about going back to work (not solely for insurance), but that would be a benefit.  It was very sobering for me to see the lack of good healthcare insurance options outside of a corporate company structure. I've had it for such a long time that I didn't really think much about it....and have thought over and over again, how do people really make it on these extremely expensive plans that provide limited, HMO coverage, some with crazy high deductibles. It's a big problem.

I'm surprised, and not really surprised it's been about 3 months since I've written a post. In addition to what I've written above, we've had a string of sickness in the house...someone has been sick since October 31 with fevers, my son got a stomach flu, my daughter got it twice, I got a respiratory infection that I'm still recovering from. It's just been a pure mess.

This year really has been one of the toughest for me and my family. A string of big and challenging things throughout this year....but I remain hopeful. I am resilient. I will keep advocating for myself and my children any which way I can. I fiercely love and will protect my children whatever it is I have to do. If it's sleeping on the floor next to my daughter's bed, holding her hand at 4am because she can't fall back asleep, I'll do it.  If it's calling the school immediately about a knucklehead kid who keeps pinching/hitting my son, I'll do it. If it's funneling through dr. after dr. to find help and hope...I'll do it.

I hope something 'lifts' after this post and I can stop the mental block of--I just don't want to write. I have appreciate this space for many years and do want to continue sharing.

Brief check in

I have really had a hard time posting. I've avoided it for awhile, really, because while there were some bright spots over the summer, we've also experienced some crazy hard times in our family. Some of the worst, actually. I thought maybe if I posted just a brief few sentences, it wont feel like this big looming 'I haven't posted in 2 months' feeling of dread.

The start to school was last week has been a little rocky. My son has come home every day from 1st grade and said 'It's awful'.... My daughter on the otherhand has come home from 4th grade and said she loves it. Both of them have been truly exhausted after school and it hasn't been pretty here. They surely will need some time to adjust to all day school again. The other issue is I am very concerned about covid. Our governor said no schools can mandate masks, so some districts challenged that and did it anyway, our school district did not. When we had the open house last monday I'd say 20% were wearing masks? On the first day of school maybe just 10%? My son said a boy in his clase wore his, but when he saw noone else wearing one, he took his off. I know that's exactly what my kids would do too.

I'll write more later, but I wanted to at least get the ball rollin back on here and say hello, we are ok, but things have been so, so hard.