Recovery and....

I apologize for not updating sooner that I have finally recovered from Covid. I checked back to see the last time I wrote and it's been over a month, almost 2.  It's been a hard almost 2 months.  Looking back, the hardest part for me during my sickness wasn't that my symptoms were extreme, it's that they were just relentless.....day after day after day of feeling just sick. Some symptoms came and went, but what stayed the entire time was the malaise. My oxygen saturation dipped into the 80's which had me worried enough to go to the ER, but thankfully I stayed out of the hospital.

The turning point was on January 7th Day 14, once the primary Dr. put me on steroids and antibiotics I finally finally started to improve. And it was a sloooow recovery since then. I think the medications gave my body the boost it needed to fight the virus, the mild fever, etc.. and I started finally eating more than once a day. However, the fatigue just hung over me like a heavy cloud. I was eating more, even going outside, etc.. but I remember just feeling like I had no strength. The kids had been begging me for weeks to go outside, walk/play with them, and I just couldn't. But, after awhile, I did push myself to go. The first time we walked to what we call 'swing park' I made it there, but had to sit on the bench to recover before walking back home. I was just out of breath simply from walking. I felt this way for the rest of January. I had a follow up visit to the Dr. because I was worried something was wrong i.e. I just wasn't recovering like I should. Dr. said I had to just be patient because it takes weeks. That was something I wasn't prepared for.

When people would ask how I was doing I would say I was about 75% recovered....then 80%, 90%, and then I got to 99% because even after so many weeks I couldn't say 100% because I just didn't feel 'right'.  I think part of the problem in the final recovery period was my anxiety was out of control and my heart had all of these zings and pings, which made me feel like something bad was going to happen. At night when it got quiet after the kids went to sleep I would literally sit here in the recliner and feel like it might be my last night. Feeling of impending doom. Clearly those are anxiety symptoms so I finally called my Dr. and said I just can't manage feeling like this. I had some anxiety medicine in the past which 'sort of' helped, so I said I needed that, but stronger. I've never experienced anxiety like I did during this time. It was simply awful. In hindsight, of course my anxiety would amp up because hundreds of thousands of people were dying of the virus I had. Fearing it would 'get me' too was just such a battle on top of the physical battle. Just as exhausting.  I still can't believe we've lost over 500,000 people now. I just can't even wrap my brain around it. Horrific.

It probably wasn't until about 5-6 weeks after that I would say I was 'all better'. Back to having strength, eating regularly, sleeping better, etc.. However, during this time, while I was sick, I had to 'fight' with the principal to get the kids back in school. I completely understand that they need to protect everyone, but they weren't following their own flowchart of 'when kids can come back', so it got a little tense. The principal even called the district medical director when I pushed back saying that yes, her Dr. cleared her, we've met the criteria, and she should stay at school. After the principal called the medical director, she called me back and said yes, they can be at school. Thank you.

So, 2021 has been rough so far because after Covid, on Valentines Day, my mother's really good friend Auntie Paula passed away unexpectedly. She was 77. She lived back in the midwest with her son, and we would stay in touch through letters, postcards, texts, etc..it really was a special connection because she was so close to my mom.  They were both nurses together and my mom would tell stories of how they went to nurse at camps during the summer, and travel the world together...all before she met my Dad. My mom was a surgical nurse and had many stories of working with Dr's that would throw instruments, some gory things she saw. She had a whole life before getting married and having kids. Kind of like me too :) I had just texted with her son a few weeks ago and he said everything was good. Apparently things went downhill over a few week time span.  I would have like to known things had taken a turn so I could have spoken with her again....but I didn't get that chance. Then the poor guy, who just lost his mother, texted me yesterday saying he was in the hospital with a terrible infection in his leg and had surgery twice so far.

The day after that, if you've been watching the news you've seen that we had a deep freeze here in the south. On Monday, Feb 15 we lost power sometime early that morning and it was so cold in the house. It had snowed so the kids were so excited to run out and play in it, even though it was bitterly cold. 

Inside the house, it started out at 60 something, then when it got to the low 50's I said we had to find somewhere to go. I called about 30 hotels because everyone else was doing the same thing, and finally found a place. Thankfully Amy was here and she was able to help during what was to become a pretty big ordeal. We got to the hotel around 3pm check in, and by 5:30pm their power went out, which also made their water stop working.  Since it was insulated enough (better than the house) I decided we should just stay at the hotel and figure out what to do the next day. Being in the hotel was fine, except once we couldn't flush the toilet and it got full....well, I just couldn't handle it. So in the a.m. I reached out to an old colleague and she had power and water, so we schlepped over there around 11am on Tuesday. I had been staying in touch with my neighbors and they continued to say no power, some no water. Our neighbors to the right stayed in their house with their fireplace and said it was 44 inside. Meanwhile outside it was single digit temperatures and freezing wind. Thankfully they were at home because next thing I know they call me and say a pipe burst at my house. Water was gushing out of a pipe near the garage and they turned off the water to the house.  So, no power or water. THEN, my tenant in the bungalow calls me and says this happened.

The entire ceiling caved in because it appeared that a pipe burst in the attic. OH. My. God. In fact, that's exactly what I texted my tenant.  I basically told him to shut off the water, electricity, and leave the house.  There was not one thing we could do until we could get a plumber out there. And guess what? When it's a deep freeze, thousands of people have the same problem, need the same thing??? Forget about it.  My poor house sat for 9 days until I could get a plumber. I just met him this past Wednesday. And that was after I had a company booked on Monday, they called out, booked again on Tuesday, they called out.  Oh, and let's not forget that after you get the plumber, you need a water remediation specialist. Same story with the plumbers, but I would say even worse.  From the day it happened, I probably made dozens of phone calls for each every day, just hoping upon hope that I could get someone to answer the phone. I was on about 10 waitlists for water, but persistence pays off because I just randomly happened to get through to one guy who actually answered. YES!  He's the one that gave me the plumber's name who actually came out, and I just met him for water estimate on Thursday this week. Of course, multiple calls to insurance for the claim as well.

On a positive note, the pipe issue at my main house was able to be fixed by my lawn guy. After realizing I wasn't going to get anyone out here, I thought to call him. So, he fixed it that day-which was Wednesday last week. And, the minute we stepped into the house prior to him coming, the power turned back on right as we walked through the door. So, we had water and power after 3 days. However, since I wasn't sure it would actually stay on, we ended up staying at my friend's house another night to be sure.  I could not have been more thankful to my friend because she had plenty of room for us to stay (5 bedrooms), they had a generator back up which was needed because there were rolling blackouts and their power went off on Wednesday. We were able to actually, dare I say, have a good time at their house because a) it felt SO good to be around people again b) we had a few family meals at a table with me, my kids, Amy, my friend, her husband and their two kids, which felt much like thanksgiving and c) I just felt comforted. I remember being upstairs trying to put the kids to sleep...I was laying on the floor between the two and I heard the background noises of TV, voices from downstairs, it was so cozy.....it just warmed my heart and made me feel like I used to at home growing up.  Interestingly enough, this friend's house has held many special events....I had my daughter's baby shower there, I stayed there in 2015 for a few weeks when I started my job back here, we had my daughter's 3rd birthday party there when ours was still under renovation....and now, the storm. I told her that I've had a lot of big moments at her house! We ended up coming back to our house on Thursday, settled in, and by Saturday we were back at soccer.

Of course my new project is going to be managing the renovation at the rental house. When I met the water mitigation folks, they measured the amount of water in the walls, etc. and about half of them need to be torn out....also the entire floor. It's going to be big. I've had to manage my tenant and give him options of breaking the lease because clearly he can't live there....but he's been there two years and wants to stay. Thank you....so we are working on how to make it all work.

Friends, it's been really really hard here....Other than losing my mother, this probably rates up there as one of the hardest times of my life. Being responsible for little humans that were emotionally missing their mother and seeing me not function, worrying if this horrible virus would take me, going through a terrible storm, the damage, etc....this post doesn't go deep enough to describe how all of that felt.......but I am beyond grateful for my recovery, for the resilience of my children, for another work friend who provided so many meals, and even found a babysitter to come for 5 hours one day during my sickness (babysitter/mary poppins who cleaned while she was here!), for my work friend who sheltered us and we had meals with, for countless friends and neighbors who checked in on us/provided food--my neighbor across street who made my first meal of this chicken/stars, red broth that sounds terrible but was so healing, and just the prayers of friends, family, neighbors, and readers.

In my time of need I felt supported and loved. Just thank you.

Worse

This virus is awful. I went to the ER over the weekend (with the kids of course because what else could I do) and after chest X-ray they said I had pneumonia. The good news to come out of that is my oxygen levels were good enough to keep me out of the hospital. The Dr told me there’s no room anyway. So, thankfully I’m not lined up against a wall, I’m at home.

I don’t have the energy to write too much but I do want to say the emotional toll of this virus is just as bad as the physical. Worrying if today’s your last day, watching your pulse ox go down, wondering if this is it? Having your son walk toward you, then shy away because you are sick.....having your kids ask you if you are going to die? And, seeing their faces when I tell them the truth—that it’s possible, but I hope not.

Not much worse.....I’m emotionally and physically depleted. Lots of tears. For all of us.

I’ve learned after day 14 of this it truly is day by day. You might think symptoms are easing (for me it’s the malaise, headache, fatigue, dry cough when trying to take a deep breath), but then you spend the entire next day on the couch...again.

I finally finally got a primary Dr call yesterday (too long a story to even begin—I need a new Dr office) and he started me on steroids and antibiotics. I hope it helps. I’ve used my albuterol inhaler almost daily for several days now and the only other thing that’s really helped thus far is Tylenol every 4 hours.

Day by day.

I was wrong

Turns out my sister was Negative. She took the 2 day test so I’m confident in those results. Also, I didn’t think about the fact that there is an incubation period. I went to neighbors on the 25th and started feeling symptoms on the 25th. So....Not from the neighbors.

I don’t know and likely won’t.

At a time like this we need to have grace, understanding, and support for those who become ill. Im on Day 9 and this thing has knocked me down. The malaise, lack of appetite, and headache is constant. Other symptoms come and go, but I think I’ve had most of them. A few days I lost a bit of taste ie I could tell it was a popsicle and sweet, but not the full flavor.

The hardest part is not having any help with me or the kids. No one can come in. I’ve been blessed with neighbors and friends dropping off groceries and meals which have been a lifesaver. But the house has started to close in since everyday is pretty much the same. Sleep fitfully, take a shower in am and use all energy I have for that, and then move between the recliner and couch for the rest of the day.

The only thing that helps a bit is Tylenol. I tried everything else and it doesn’t make a dent. It’s also been isolating medically because I can’t get through to primary care, it’s taken multiple phone calls. I tried urgent care to get virtual and system down. I just ran out of energy. I need some help so will try again.

This is hard. So hard. I did go outside today for the first time in a week and the fresh air was good. 

I’m digging deep to make sure the kids are fed and I stay hydrated. 

Results

Well, I got my test results last night and I have Covid. I am now a statistic. My stomach fell after opening the email and reading "positive". My anxiety has shot through the roof.  I'm so mad at myself.....I knew there was some risk.....and maybe just fatigue took over. I missed normalcy, I missed being around people, I hadn't seen my sister in a year.  We stayed safe for 10 months. And now.....I've cried a few times today....I still feel awful. It's been since December 25th. How it started for me:

Dec 24: headache only. Didn't pay much attention as I thought maybe it was due to no caffeine.

Dec 25: mid afternoon my lungs got that sort of 'tickle' 'heavy' feeling. I hardly ever get respiratory infections so I noticed immediately. It's almost like I was getting some asthma/allergy thing which I do sometimes. Same day I then started to feel achy and tired.

Dec 26: Laid around most of the day, was feeling very fatigued, no energy, achy

Dec 27: Symptoms continue and added sinus congestion/pressure

Dec 28: Feeling very 'flu-ish' all symptoms continue. Hard time doing anything, nausea, headache, sinus pressure, chest feeling tight, aches. Took test around 10am.

Dec 29: I think low grade fever started because I took a bath with hot water--enough to make my skin pink--because I had chills and I did not sweat one drop. Also felt light headed, a bit dizzy a few times in there. Something 'lifted' in the evening because I felt less achy. Got test results at 9:30pm.

Dec 30: Today I still feel achy, but not as severe, my chest is tight, I have sinus pressure/head ache, no energy. I got a pulse ox to check saturation and thankfully mine ranges 94-97 and hers is 97-98. I will continue to check regularly.  Drinking fluids, trying to eat something--crackers, etc..

I read that between days 5-10 are the most critical because people think they are getting better then major backslide. That's what makes me SO nervous because I'm in that window at Day 6. That, and the breathing. I might not be doing the right thing, but I don't care...I had some left over dexamethasone steriod which I've taken the last 4 days, taken an immune booster, and used my albuterol inhaler to help my lungs.

I pray that we recover from this soon. My daughter has had severe fatigue, no appetite, cough, etc so we are doing a virtual Dr. visit for her this afternoon. I've tried to get an appt w/ my Dr. or anyone in the office but I can't get through on the phone, it's been sooo frustrating. Can't do online either because they are saying everyone is booked out. I don't believe that but not sure what else to do.

Amazingly my son has had no symptoms. I pray he stays that way.

Waiting

I'm sitting here all covered up due to having body aches, head congestion, tight chest, and headache...... waiting for results of my covid test I took yesterday.  I'm thinking it's either that or the flu.  I started feeling symptoms on Christmas Day afternoon, so today is day 5. I did two things that could have gotten me sick 1) my sister came for christmas and 2) we went to the neighbors house (an older couple) for gifts for kids. Dang it. I weighed the risks/pros and cons and thought it would be ok.  Tough lesson. It's also very anxiety provoking not knowing yet.....every little symptom i'm googling. Flu vs covid, etc.. The 'good news' if you can call it that is I don't have loss of taste/smell or cough....but it seems I have everything else. Likely it's the flu, but will see.

We've had a lot of ups/down over the last month since I last wrote. So much so that I haven't had much energy or desire to post.  Let's start back at Thanksgiving. We did go to the hotel and initially it was a great visit.....however at about 2am I hear this piercing screaming and my son comes out of the other room with blood dripping all over his face. I couldn't even tell where it was coming from. After trying to stop it and clean it up, I realized that he knocked out a tooth. Apparently when he was dreaming he somehow smashed his face on the table between the two beds (we think?), and managed to bruise up both sides of his face, gash his nose, and knock out teeth (later to find out it was 2 teeth, but we could only find one). We had just gone to the new dentist that Monday, and were back on Wednesday with an emergency appointment because he also managed to chip his adult tooth that just barely was peeking through his gums. Thankfully the dentist said it's not major and that we will be able to address it when the tooth grows in. He literally looked like he had been in a big fight. This poor kid. He's also left with some scar tissue on his cheek--it feels like a big 'ball' underneath his skin. It was feeling so odd that I took him to the Dr. as well and she said that it's possible he could have fractured his bone, but it wouldn't make sense xraying since there's nothing to do for it, except let it heal.  She said the only thing we can do is massage nightly the big lump to hopefully break it up over time. You can't see it when looking at him, but when he smiles it makes a dent now in his cheek. Sigh.  My son is constantly hurting himself.....he's always got bruises and scrapes of some sort. I felt better when we were at the dentist because she simply said, 'well.....that's a boy for you'. It totally is.....he has no fear and the only gear he is in is fast.

I'm going to have to pick up this post later......just not feeling up to finishing.

Thanksgiving Plans and Tidbits

Great news....we DID go back to school last Tuesday. I was really really surprised, actually. I fully expected them to push it out, shut down through holidays. We have continued to have cases come up, but not at the amount we were having. I think the principal was getting inundated with emails, etc. because she sent a note out saying they have no plans to shut down over the holidays until the new year (what I was wondering as well). I think so many agree that keeping kids in school is the best thing, as long as we can do it safely.

And of course due the virus I just wasn't comfortable planning to go anywhere for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. I had thought about heading to old nanny's house about 6 hours away.....but if I'm being honest, I didn't want to spend time around her daughter. She's now in college, still very entitled, and still has some issues with her mother coming to visit us...so I'd rather just not. I didn't even think about heading north to my cousins due to not wanting to fly anywhere.  We didn't go last year because that's when my girl's issues surfaced, and the year before that I think my aunt had her major surgery. It was also last year on Thanksgiving when my Dad passed away. I thought about that today when I took a walk with an old coworker....we finished walking and the topic of holidays came up. She asked what we were going to do and out of nowhere I got emotional when talking about the fact that my mom was gone AND my dad was gone.....holidays can be tough in general, but layer on holidays during a pandemic, with a new loss, and no traveling. Makes sense why I was teary.

However, I am determined to make the best of it.....I got an email about a basketball camp next Mon-Wed, and thought about it--only for a minute--because they would love something like that--but not during a pandemic. I just couldn't see how that could be safe enough. SO.....I decided that we are going to the same hotel we did last year for a night. I know the kids love it (they call it the E hotel) and I feel safe enough going since we will be in our room by ourselves. The hotel has protocols in place where you can still get the awesome buffet breakfast, but they just serve you and you can take it with you....also, the pool is open and you just reserve a 30 minute slot for just your family. It sounds good. My girl has kept asking about it so just tonight I called to make sure I was comfortable, and booked it. They both started screaming, hugging, and running around the room when i got off the phone. I just wanted them to have SOMETHInG to look forward to, you know?? I learned from last year not to go on the actual holiday because you can't get any delivery food, nothing open...so we are going next week Tues to Wed. It really was heart warming to see both of them so excited about something.

So, Monday we have the new dentist we are trying....I'm wanting a second opinion because our other dentist sent my girl to ortho and they said she needs an expander and braces now....and then probably again when all her adult teeth grow in. She's only 8! I'm just not sure about that plan.

Tue-Wed: we will go to the hotel

Thurs: I will try to cook some actual Thanksgiving food. I'm proud of myself because I've already started thinking about it a week ahead of time and purchased a few things.

Fri-Sun: Play by ear, but hopefully good weather will be here and we can do a few bike rides, walks, and maybe parks.

I just put the kids to bed after writing this first part and during our talk my girl was already planning what she was going to bring, what she was going to do first when we get to the hotel.....yes, I think this is a win! And my son just yelled out, "Mom I love you!" which he does most every night after I've tucked them in and I'm settled in the recliner. 

My son tidbits:

--when I went to pick up my son last week from school he told me there were 3 good things about coming home sick 1) no school 2) get to eat popsicles 3) get to watch football. And then he said Oh, and I get to have you. Awwwww.

--My son has taken to coming to my bed every night again. Somewhere between 11-2. He just comes in, lays down, and stretches his hand out so we can hold hands. Once he does that for a few minutes, he rolls the other way and goes to sleep. I think it is so sweet that I haven't stopped it. Now, what doesn't work is when I am not sleeping in my bed. Sometimes I sleep in the chair or the couch...but he'll find me wherever I am and ask to go into my bed. Sometimes I do, but if I send him back to his bed, I know he'll be back. So the multiple wake ups for me is not working.

--he still can't pronounce his L's....they are W's.  Mom, wook at that!

--During tuck in he's into playing mind games like 'would you rather'....would you rather be an elephant or a cheetah? Also 20 questions with an animal....one time he picked a tasmanian tiger. C'mon here I have no chance. We also do the color game where we each get a turn picking one and guessing. We ask if it's in the rainbow or not. One time he chose not just gold, but it had to be glittery gold. lol.

--He is a morning person. The minute he wakes up he's ready to get dressed and is most often in a good mood. I don't even have to tell him to get ready. i love that he likes to 'do his hair' already and he puts in the 'jay-ell'. A bit too much sometimes, but hey, he's working on it.

--He's into making a kissing/smooch sound until I notice it and do it back. Smooch smooch. I'm sure some day this will embarrass him completely, but right now I'm finding these smooches, and the I love you's many times a day so sweet I hope they never stop.

--I love watching football together. We have the love of playing and watching sports in common. He has a football that he will have me throw to him over and over and over....while he falls to the floor with a fumble, or jumps on the couch with a one armed catch....the entire time we 'watch' the game. 

My Girl tidbits:

--she absolutely surprises me sometimes. She's not overly emotional with hugs or words (unlike her brother) , but when she wants hugs, etc I'm always here to give them. Well just a few weeks ago she wrote this most amazing letter to me saying how much she loved me. It totally took me by surprise because she had never written anything like that before and it was soooo heartfelt. We had such a bonding moment over it because I gave her the biggest hug I could to thank her and she just melted into it. It was so so sweet.

--She really loves her crafts, coloring, drawing, painting, etc.. She is very artistic and while I was somewhat when I was younger, she takes it to another level. I think she got it from my mom because my mom knew how to sew, paint, make things out of nothing. And that's just like my daughter. I really try my best because crafty things aren't the first things that come to mind when thinking about what to do....but when we get into something I find that I genuinely like it. For example, we had this old terry cloth towel that my girl wanted to cut up and make a coat for her bear. I said sure....but she just couldn't figure out how to do w/out sewing. She even got the sewing kit out and asked if I would help her. So, I did my best to cut out around the arms, sewed the sides together with needle and thread.....and wouldn't you know, it came out so good! We both said we had no idea it would actually turn out! She hugged me and thanked me. I need to remember that it's not about whether I know exactly what I am doing, it's that I tried it with her. I hope that's what she remembers.

--I am really impressed by how many things she comes up with for the two of them to do. The other day she made a "Chompasaurus" game and used some balled up tinfoil, a cardboard box she snagged at the grocery store that had 6 holes in it, and a red mark taped to the wall. I have no idea how the game worked but there was a bowl with some money next to it....I guess she had her brother pay to play, hahaha..

--My girl said she wanted a turn sleeping in my bed....I think because she knows her brother does it all the time. But, I figured why shouldn't she get a turn? So last weekend she stayed a night in my bed and she actually fell asleep faster than I can remember. She did wake up to come and get me to go in the bed, which of course I did. It was so cute because once we both were laying there, what did she do? But outstretch her hand and want to hold mine too. It was just so so sweet.

Overall I think we are doing okay here....for me personally, I did fall off the rails a bit with everything, but now that the kids are back in school and feeling better, I am handling things a bit better....walked 2 days in a row now, ate at home for lunch today, no caffeine here and there.  A work in progress, but as long as I'm trying, i feel better.

I'm going to hope and pray that we can stay in school, stay healthy, have a nice Thanksgiving break next week, and go back to school through Christmas break.

School shut down. Again.

 I knew it.....I just knew this was likely to happen. Our school shut down because of Covid on this past Thursday. We have 70 ish schools in our district from elementary through highschool and only 2 have shut down--and we are one of them!  UUUGGGGHHH and Noooooooooo!

This last week has not been a great one.....my stress level totally shot up, my kids got sick, we've had Mickeys for lunch 4 days this week and chick f a for lunch on the other.  It's ridiculous.  I feel terrible that my coping skill of eating out has been thrown upon my children this week. Oh and let's not forget I, along with millions of people, sat on the edge of our seats all week watching the election. Day and night.

Rewind to last weekend I thought my decision to take the kids to an outside greenspace would have been fine. We went on Saturday and Sunday. Well, by Monday my son started to have congestion and by Tuesday he wasn't feeling well at all--no fever, but just a rotten headcold. So, I told him we could see how it went at school and if he started feeling worse to come home....OR he could stay home in the morning and see how he did, and go to school later if he was ok.  He wanted to go to school so we had normal routine, I dropped them off, but then not more than 15 minutes after I got home the nurse was calling to go pick him up.  And that put us in the covid protocol at our school. We had to have a dr. note, a clear covid test, OR stay home for 10 days.  I knew he just had a headcold so I assumed we would go to the Dr. and she would write a note. Well, she surprised me and said because he had two symptoms (congestion and headache) that she wouldn't write a note and he could stay home for 10 days or have covid test. The headache was debatable because when you ask a 6 year old do you have this?do you have that? they usually say yes.  I know she was erring on the side of caution, I get it. BUT, that meant test. I didn't think staying home for 10 days was a good option.

The test was terrible. I had to hold his head while they put a swab in each of his nostrils (to do the rapid and the send off one). She pushed the swab in his nose soooo far, then twisted it around for the slowest count to 10 ever. He was crying and squirming and I'm sure it felt like the swabs were in his brain. Awful. When she was finally done his nose started bleeding. Poor kid, it was not a good one at all. After we left and 30 minutes later they called and said the rapid test was negative.  However, because they wait for the 2 day one to totally clear someone, he had to be home on Wednesday too, and we expected the call on Thursday morning.

Wednesday morning was not good because my daughter had started complaining of not feeling that great also, but she didn't have a ton of congestion, she had no fever, so I said listen, let's just head to school and it should all get better throughout the day. She melted down a bit because her brother got to stay home and she didn't. She said she was upset because he was going to get all the attention, which is a hot button w/ my kids, well I suppose all kids.... Anyway, we still made it to school okay, but sure enough a bit after noon the nurse calls. Nurse said my girl was saying she had stomach hurting and needed to come home. Of course, I know how she was in the morning upset and I wasn't sure how 'real' this was. The nurse also knows the history w/ my girl and her struggles, and told me my girl might just be upset because brother was home. We were only 2 1/2 hours until end of day and I told the nurse I just didn't want her to get put under the protocol too. Nurse said she would try and work with her and see what she could do, fully understanding the situation. Didn't work, nurse called me back saying to come get her.

So now, both kids home on Wednesday and I read my email that night and CRAP, they said they are closing the school until at least Tuesday of next week due to Covid.  In the background, whenever a new Covid test was reported we'd get an email, and it seemed like I was getting daily emails....I just knew things weren't looking good at school. Our school has about 815 kids and we are currently at 25 cases between staff and students. Before the shutdown, and after getting all the emails, the principal sent a note saying that there was an outbreak in one of the 5th grade classrooms. So, I suspect someone got sick in the classroom, they notify you directly if you could have been exposed to that person, then everyone got tests from there and bam.....an outbreak.

I fully understand the shut down....I really do......but, I started feeling so mad. Why?? Why our school? My kids need school so badly. Not any more than anyone else's, of course, but I started wondering with only shutting down 5 days, will they keep pushing it out more like they did in the Spring. Will they push it out so far that they won't go back until after the holidays? Or at all? I just can't think about it.

On Thursday we got the call my son's 2 day covid test was also negative. I knew it would be.

So, on top of sick kids home all day again and fighting about doing school work, etc. I was completely glued to watching the election all day and into the wee hours. I just couldn't stop watching....the votes just trickling in. I can say I've never watched a political election so closely as I watched this one in my entire life.

My exercise is off the rails. My caffeine is off the rails. My eating out is off the rails. It hasn't been the best few weeks, to say the least. I think the biggest thing for me to work on going forward is to learn new coping schools....food and sleep are my coping skills of choice. I didn't really think of sleep as a coping skill, but after digging into why I'm coming home and taking a nap after dropping off the kids at school....I think it's because I've been feeling a bit lonely, and the days feels so big when I'm here by myself--and, I've napped even when I'm not actually tired. I'm motivated when the kids are around, but if I'm by myself, it's such a different story. I didn't realize that I actually DO get my energy from being around other people. Who knew? But, it's so true....when the kids get home I start doing laundry, dishes, cook dinner, etc.. I have all day to do it, but don't until they get home. I just jump into mom mode.  

So, the silver lining in this time of me being at home is I really am learning a lot about myself. It's hard learning and not always pleasant. It's been a time of self-discovery, more self awareness....but then it becomes, what will I do w/ it?  I've even had thoughts about going back to work because I learned that not having enough time is not the reason I'm not doing things. At least with work I felt productive, like I was accomplishing something. Apparently I do well with deadlines and a forced structure. I'm not planning to go back to work any time soon, however, so it's really just allowing myself the space to work through all of these things. Be kind to myself and having realistic expectations while doing it. That is turning out to be harder than I thought.

I so hope the kids get to go back to school on Tuesday.