Tears and Cheers

I feel like I've been crying an awful lot these last few weeks.  I think for a variety of reasons.....lots of change all at once, losing my dear Fatboy, my baby started kinder, football season started again (these were happy tears when hearing the star spangled banner before tonight's game--I didn't realize how much I missed live sports over the last 6 months, and whenever I hear that song I fondly remember my days of playing sports and it just make my heart swell). My son asked me if I was crying while watching and I said yes, but these are happy ones.

In person school started on Tuesday and so far the report is pretty good.  The night before the first day my girl was so excited she kept saying, 'finally!, finally we get to go back!'.  Also, that night they were so cute as they were coloring together on the living room floor. As I was watching the tears started rolling. My girl noticed and came and wiped my tear--it was so sweet. I was thinking about how I hope their relationship stays as close as it is now. Yes they bicker, but what siblings don't?  In that moment I was feeling so grateful and thankful for them. 

The kids were so excited about the next day that neither of them went to sleep before 10pm. The first day when I woke up, my son was already out of the bed (like 6:45am) so I went to go find him. His bedroom door was closed so I opened it to find both of them on his floor, already dressed and hair done, doing some kind of craft. They told me HA their plan worked and they did all of this without me knowing. As we started getting ready for school my girl kept squealing with excitement. She kept saying she was so excited and just couldn't wait to go. My son was a bit more subdued but her excitement was contagious. We headed out the door around 7:30am and got in the long drop off line.....we got to talk about her walking him to his classroom, getting their masks on as soon as we hit the parking drive, what they were going to eat for lunch, etc...my son was getting quiet so I asked how he was feeling and he gave me a so-so with his hand. I told him its totally normal to be nervous especially going to a new school.  We quickly made it to the drop off section and this year they open their own doors....they both crawled out, we all said goodbye/love you's. Then, my girl ran into her PE coach outside and i could overhear her proudly say, 'This is my brother!" He then encouraged her to make sure she walked her brother to class. Then they both walked into the building and got lost from my sight in the sea of kids.

As I drove away I thought i would cry, but that didn't happen until i got home. I walked in the door and right then that very uncomfortable, life sucked out of the house, creepy quietness happened. And I just thought about both of my babies in school. And me at home....and tears welled up.  I was initially worried about what I would do "all day" however, over the last several days I'm realizing these hours get eaten up really fast.  The first day I spent several hours dealing with our cable provider technician at the house, doing emails, making phone calls, researching masks....and next thing I knew it was 2:00pm! School hours are from 7:55-3:05pm, so I went for a bite to eat and picked them up from school.

My girl came out the door first and she runs over to me saying "That was the best day EVER! School is amazing!"....I was just SO happy to see her so happy. I hugged her and then waited for my son to come out. He has not been to all day school so I knew to expect him to be tired. They have a number system so you have to hold up your number for the kinder and they call back for them once they see it.  So, once he was called , came out the door, and saw me he came running. There is not much of a better feeling than to have your kids see you, light up, then run into your arms. I asked how he was doing and the first thing he said was, "Im Exhaaausted!".  Of course I asked him what he thought and he said he was disappointed because they didn't do any subjects.  He really really wants to do math like his sister and doesn't really get that they don't do that in kinder. But, I do agree with him that he probably isn't learning too much new.

When we got home my girl was still running on adrenaline and bouncing around....my son crashed on the sofa and just laid there. He was really cranky so I kind of just let him decompress. The one thing I don't like about his schedule is that they have kinder eat lunch first and they start it at 10:30 am! That's crazy early in my opinion, especially if we don't eat dinner until maybe 5:30pm, that's a really long time without a meal. They do let them have snack in the afternoon, but it's just a way different schedule than he's used to. He did get a second wind after dinner, but I knew the transition wasn't going to be easy.

The second day of school went off without a hitch, but this time when my girl came out she didn't have the same pep in her step. She looked so tired and was reeeally cranky. It was her turn to be exhausted. And ironically, my son did much better on day two and had enough energy after school to ask if we could ride bikes. It was my turn to be exhausted because I had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep because I drank caffeine at Tuesday lunch.  Then, my girl told me last night that her throat started hurting and I was like, omg, did she really get sick after only 1 day of school?!  Sure enough, this morning she said her throat was really hurting and she was sniffling.  I think it's only a head cold, she doesn't have a fever...so I gave her some motrin this am to see if it would help her some.  She is still having a hard time falling asleep at night....it's been an issue for awhile, but during the summer it was ok because she could sleep in and 'catch up'. She needs about 11-12 hours and my son needs about 10-11. Im paying really close attention because when she starts to get into a sleep deficit, things start not going well at all. She definitely is starting that.....and of course her brother decides to wake her at 6:30am this morning! So, will see how it goes over the next week or so.

After realizing the day goes by pretty quick, I figured out that I need to start prioritizing my day so I focus on the things I need to do/ and want to do.  I was so proud of myself because the cleaning lady was coming on Wednesday, so I needed to clean before they came. That means pick up. Our house had gotten out of control over the last few weeks and every room was a disaster. So, I had a mission to get everything picked up except the toy room by Wednesday. And we did it. But, during the day I decided that their craft supplies were completely a disaster. I have several 3 and 4 drawer organizing things for paint, paper, pencils, glue, glitter, scissors, craft activities, craft supplies, coloring books, etc..that I took everything that was supposed to go in there in the living room and brought it ALL in there to dump and reorganize.  Just that job took about 3 hours. I had to sort through the neighbor's donation of craft things as well (which was a ton of beads, small rubber band bracelet makers, etc) and decide what we wanted. I'm all for sharing/donating things, but they hadn't even taken out the trash items like a paperplate with paint on it, etc..  Once that job was done I felt SO good about how organized it was. It was really motivating. I even decided to get a label-maker and can't wait to label stuff. So nerdy.

One of the things I committed to do with my time was to start exercising again. My therapist challenged me to set a time for it and work around that. Well, I prioritized cleaning and organizing, catching up on phone calls and emails instead of that so far this first week.  We talked in my appointment today about my self-care and that I haven't been doing the best at it-to put it mildly. I've also been mildly resistant to the concept of 'self-care', but when she framed it up as prioritizing, well, that clicked for me. I have a much better connection to that word and AHA, I know what prioritizing me should look like.  I thought back to the before kids era and really had no issue with doing things for myself whenever I decided to....it was after having kids that I simply stopped focusing on me. I prioritized my kids first, my job, my renovation projects....and really after that had no energy left over for me. I also realized how much I've been running on fumes these last few years. I just didn't have it in me to do much more and if it was a choice between sleeping/napping and exercising--yeah, sleep won every time. I was in major burnout and I really need time now to just recover--physically and mentally.  So, I'm now going to be working on changing almost a decade of habit. 

A positive change I've already noticed is just how much lighter I feel with the work stress gone. Until it was absent, i wasn't really conscious of how heavy and how much of a load that really was. The other thing is, with the kids going back to school I have daily ME time and I'm really really loving it. I'm also not drinking caffeine daily so my quality of sleep is getting better...now quantity is still an issue, but one thing at a time. Also, I'm not eating out lunch every day and we are cooking more often...so nutritionally I'm doing better.  Basically less stress, time for ME, sleeping better, eating better = feeling better!  I'm starting to get excited about things....once I reorganized the crafts my mind was racing with what my next project will be? What else can I label with my new label maker? I was initially worried about whether I would come home after dropping off the kids and crawl back in bed and sleep the time away. I did take a little nap this morning, but I was still pretty productive.  It's ironic because I actually have so many ideas floating in my head like: I need to get my hair done for the first time since November, I should organize the garage!, I should sort through the years' worth of kids' school papers into the bins I've had sitting there for the same amount of time. So, there just isn't a lack of things to do.....it's really what do I want to tackle first?

I truly think the universe/stars/moon aligned with me stopping work just as the pandemic was breaking out.....I was able to be here everyday all day for the last 6 months for my children, and now it's time to really really take the time to focus inward, relax, reflect, and rejuvenate. Oh, that sounds so good. I think I'm off to a really good start.

PS I also volunteered for my very first school thing. They were asking for parent representatives for a committee action board, which the principal, teachers, and some community members are on. I nominated myself several weeks ago and just found out I was chosen. I'm not really sure what the 'ask' is going to be, but i thought why not? I would like to get more involved at the school and thought this was a good way to try. Will see how it goes.

We made it

This past Friday marks the end of scheduled home school......and we made it!  It was 2 1/2 weeks. I say 'scheduled' because the kids are going back to school in person on Tuesday, but time will tell how that will work, if people get sick, and they shut down again like back in March. Strange to say that the kids have not been in a school for the last 6 months.

Overall I think it went ok.  My son did much better than I expected because his attention span somehow got much longer. Perhaps it's the watching pb.skids on my phone in the mornings ;) He had a very light schedule with a few zooms a day and a few assignments to do here and there. Most of his work was watching videos. So, I'm quite certain he hasn't learned much academically, so will see how that changes for in person.  My girl had a few bumps in the road with resistance to doing some of the work. I learned quickly that we can't wait until the end of the school day to do the assignments. Much better to do in late morning or after she's eaten lunch.  We got most of her work done, I didn't worry about Art class and I didn't worry about a few synonym/antonym exercises in her journal. The checklist person in me wanted us to do it all, have it all marked off yes, we did it.....but the logical side won and it just wasn't worth it.

School starts Tuesday in person and we are ready. They changed the guidelines in that all kids in all grades now will wear masks into the school, in hallways, etc.. (before it was just grade 4 and above, and just recommended for the littler ones). I think it makes sense, but I'm not sure how my son will do with it. He complains about getting hot, etc. and Im the same way. The school recommended mask lanyards so the kids can easily take them off and not lose them, or put them on the floor, etc..which our old nanny is mailing some with their name on them w/ beads. Very cute. Hope they work for them. They won't have the first day, but will by Wednesday, I think.

I'm actually having a hard time. Transition is not easy for me, and I worry about being lonely during the day.  Even though I stopped working back in April, the kids have been home full time with me this whole time. I haven't actually been here during the day when they've been at school, so I just don't know how I will or wont like it?? Maybe I'm thinking back to when they were not here at all for the small trip they had, and I really didn't like it at all them not being here. Also, I've learned when I have more to do, I actually do more.....so in a way, the kids motivate me to keep up w/ house cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc.. Am I going to come back and just sit here all day because I can? Of course this is what I planned on i.e. having the 'me time' to focus on my mental and physical health, which I've already started......but I have to be honest and say I'm feeling nervous about the change.  I'm working with my therapist to make this the most productive time. She's challenged me to schedule some things in my day that are non-negotiable. So, I build my day around that.  For now, that will be working out. I'm going to do at least 30 minutes a day during the school week. I'm going to play around with when is the best time in my day to do, and see how it goes.

Something that's been going well is: Im actually really proud of how I've challenged myself in the kitchen. One thing that happened over the last month is we got WAY off track with eating out. I got lazy and I could be easily swayed to pick up lunch somewhere. For some reason last weekend I just had kind of had it. I wasn't feeling good and I know it's not nutritious for any of us....So, I made a commitment that we would only eat out once a week, kids could choose when.  Therefore, since Monday of last week we've eaten all of our meals at home, and we only went to have mexican yesterday for lunch. AND I can't believe it but I didn't even have a diet coke. I'm working on giving that up too. I think this past week I've only had 3 cans. That's really good for me. I had totally fallen off the wagon there too.  Clearly if we aren't picking up our meals, we need to eat at home. So, we did a huge haul at a few grocery stores and made it happen. I actually cooked my first lasagna (did not turn out, very runny and flavor was off), I also made hamburgers with a recipe for the first time ever. Those turned out much better....I used breadcrumbs/egg, etc.. My girl loved them! She even ate a left over one the next day--huge hit. What I think is happening is that the more time I spend in the kitchen, the more confident I am getting. And, if we aren't eating out, I don't want to get bored eating the same things, so I'm wanting to try new recipes. I still don't love the mess, but I feel like I've stretched myself a bit in the kitchen and I'm really proud of myself.

My first lasagna

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Something in the really sad news: Our poor ole Fat Boy. I am SO SO sad. For some reason it took a bit of time to sink in, and now that it's been a week or so, I am missing him terribly. He was 14 and he lived a lot of life with me. I got him in 2006 with his brother when my mom was living with me--she thought we needed some cats. So fine, we got some cats.  They were shelter cats and there was a litter where two looked like my Fat Boy  (siamese-ish) and two looked like Moses (orange tabby) his brother, so I got one of each. His brother ended up having a kidney issue, did not do well at all after my girl was born, so he was only 6 or 7 when he died. But ole fatboy, even being overweight, was pretty healthy all these years. A few years ago he started having some joint issues and slowing down a bit....but I gave him weekly medicine for that.  Then, at the end of July I noticed he was really really licking his hind left leg. He always licked a lot so at first I didn't notice too much, but then I happened to see a bit of a lump. I watched it for a bit and it seemed to grow bigger so I decided I definitely needed to take him in to the vet. That was on July 28th.

Here’s when we had “Father’s Day” for our Fatboy

They usually have to sedate him for his check ups because he really didn't like going there....he turned into a fighter/hisser....and being such a big boy (at one point 22 lbs)  it was just safer to do. So when Dr. C.  had him sedated she called me to see if I wanted to do a biopsy. I asked her if the treatment would be different whether we did it or not, and she said no...so I chose not to at the time. They did an xray and labwork on him and initially she said it was a polyarthritis, and what we were seeing was severe inflammation. She said if it was an osteosarcoma or bone cancer they could tell that on the xray, and it was not that. However, my gut just didn't believe that. His lump was hard as could be, and I kept asking her, are you sure?? Really??. BUT, without the biopsy they just kept saying it was this swelling. So, they gave him a steroid shot there, and we put him on some serious steroids at home and some pain medicine. So, he was now on medicine everyday twice a day. She did say that this was not a long term treatment because a cat his size would get diabetes with the amount of steroid we were trying. She said that we are doing palliative care now.  Boy did that word bring up some triggers for me. When we got to palliative care with my mom, it was heartbreaking. We tried so hard to keep her strength and health good enough to be able to go into another clinical trial....but just never made it.  The thing with palliative care as well, is that you worked so long and with these doctors to fight, and when it turns palliative you get a whole new group of people working with you.  You build these relationships over years and then it just ends, like that. 

So with Fatboy, the vet we've known and have worked with since he was born (14 years) whenever we lived in this city we went to see her--Dr. C. She mentioned there is a service that has palliative care for cats and has heard really good reviews. They come to your home, and help manage things until end of life. It sounded good in theory, but I didn't want a new set of Doctors. I wanted Dr. C. I just wanted to lean on her through this hard time because I knew her and trusted her. Also, I thought through losing Fatboy at home and that also brought up some hard memories since my mom passed away at home. I made the decision that I did not want that memory. I wanted to remember my ole boy the way he was at our house. 

We were able to manage okay after that first visit-he was actually doing ok. He seemed to be feeling ok, eating okay, using the sandbox. He still wanted to be around everyone, just with a bit of a limp. However, the lump size changed aggressively and it just got bigger. Then, I noticed one morning his paw had swollen up like a baseball mit. That scared me. I called the vets office (my Dr. was out on vacation) and asked if I could bring him in to see one of the others. I'm not impressed with the other Dr's but I had no choice. The other vet said it could possibly be an infection and we could start him on some antibiotics. I asked her if it was his time, and she said we didn't have to make that decision yet. I also told her that I changed my mind and I DID want to do the biopsy. I wanted to know exactly what was happening to him....I felt like if I didn't do it, I would wonder for the rest of my life. So, she was able to do it, send it off, and in the meantime send an RX to the pharmacy that makes the medicine chews..who knew he would love those chews, like they were treats for him.  Turned out trying to get his RX at the chew pharmacy was not a good decision because there was nothing urgent about them getting his medicine. Long story short, they couldn't get it filled fast enough so I called the Dr. office the next day and was able to run in and pick up some there.

By this time I just wanted to talk to my Dr. C. She knew Fatboy, she knew me.....and I just wanted her. I figured after all these years, I should at least be able to talk to her. So, on Tuesday night I sent an email asking if I could just speak to her....not to take away from the other vet, but I just needed her.  I was so happy they wrote back right away and said her vacation was cut short and she was actually going to be in the next day Wednesday, and she would call me in the am.So, sure enough she did call me and basically told me after looking at all the notes, it was his time. She still didn't have the results from the biopsy but really there was nothing else they could do for him and it was only going to get worse. I knew.....but I just needed to hear it from her.  I asked her if she would be there and could I bring him. She was there, and I brought him.  It was agonizing and I don't want to relive it again now. Suffice it to say, I could not stop bawling and just kept telling him how much I loved him. How much of a good boy he was.....ah crap, here come the tears.  

I really do miss him terribly.  Dr. C called me the next day on Thursday and said they got the results of the biopsy--and sure enough, they found cancer cells.  My gut was just telling me that likely it was cancer, and now I know. It was really a bad one because from the time the lump appeared to when his paw was so bad, it was only about a month.

At first it was a bit of relief that he was out of pain and my worry about him and what to do next subsided...but.....now.......it's just a bit of a hole/emptiness for me in the house and I am so sad. He was just always here with us. He followed us from room to room and was always just there. Whenever we played games on the floor he'd sit nearby so I could pet him, or sometimes come right in the middle of the cards and plop down, wag his tail in our faces.....even now as I'm typing in the recliner, he'd always come over and get up on his hind legs and put his two front paws on the armchair and nudge my arm with his head. Pet me mom! His meows, and funny gurgle noise he used to make every now and then....his super stinky sandbox I changed like twice a week. Over the last month we loved on him a lot....I cuddled with him when we all were laying on the floor, my girl pet him a ton.....my son never really bonded with him and Fatboy bit him a time or two, so they kind of stayed away from each other. Whenever I laid on the couch and my arm hung off the side without a doubt he'd come and nudge me with his hand. I could never sleep overnight on the couch because he'd get up on his hind legs and budge my arms with his head and his cold nose.

We lived a lot of life together me and ole FatBoy....my mom's passing in 2008, a move to new state for job transfer in 2009, a move back here for new company to an apartment while searching for home in 2011, a move to new home, a babygirl in 2012, a move again to old company in 2013 in same new state in temp apartment, a move into rental home, a baby boy in 2014, a move back here again in 2015 with new company to an apartment while our house was being remodeled, and then move to our house now where we've been for 5 years.

He's just always been here......and I miss him dearly right now. My ole boy.

And.....if all that wasn't enough, my back went out something fierce. It's been a long time since I had any issues and I just happened to be bending over in the kitchen with a towel at a funny angle and...agh! I knew right when it happened this wasn't going to be good. It wasn't.....for a day I actually couldn't move without intense/searing pain. By the next day I decided to do a telemed visit and thankfully she prescribed some steriods and muscle relaxers. It took several more days for it to feel better and I could be more mobile. I'm on the mend and back to pretty much moving all around....I still have lingering inflammation/tenderness.....but I'm back to swimming and biking with the kids, so I am managing.

And finally-the nanny we had over the last year decided to create some drama and basically 'resign' the day before her last day this past Saturday. She was already moving to a new job (which I knew) and the kids are going back to school next week. So saying 'resign' was a bit odd--really it was just she didn't want to come this past Saturday. So, she sent this long text....because that generation doesn't know how to communicate verbally.....that she was upset about some things. I had a feeling she might be upset because rewind to a week before and sadly her grandpa passed away from Covid. She went to the funeral and I did not feel comfortable w/ her coming back to work until 10 days passed. She desperately needs money and didn't like that I had her wait, and apparently was also upset that I wouldn't download an app to pay her, because the checks we've been using for over a year she decided weren't convenient anymore. I found this out only because I called her right when she texted me.....that is my generation! Anyway, I told her that the kids were looking forward to her coming and please don't disappoint them. She said she wasn't coming.....even when she had confirmed no less than 24 hours earlier that she was in fact coming, no problem. So you can imagine my surprise at getting her long text.

Honestly I dont really know what happened and why all of a sudden she texted...it really was unnecessary because she was already done working for us. She simply could have said hey, i can't come Saturday, but great working with you all. The part that upsets me -other than her breaking her word on numerous occasions and calling off last minute--is that the relationship we spent a year building is broken needlessly. I don't feel comfortable calling her now and saying hey, you want to babysit or see the kids? And it's another caretaker that likely won't be in the kids lives anymore. Just like that. The funny thing is, she said she would still hang out with the kids because she told them she would. Umm......when you burn the bridge with mama, it doesn't work like that. Maybe after some time passes, I'll feel differently. 

A lot of things have happened over the last month, I guess. After typing it all out and reflecting....it was stressful (and painful!) at certain points, and feelings of loss in different ways have definitely come up. Trying to work through all of that and focus on making the transition to school the best it can be for the kids. 

First Day of School

We finally are here at our first day of school! Both kids are on a break right now and in rest time, so I decided to borrow my daughter's new chrom.ebook we got from school yesterday and test it out. It sure is nice to type on a keyboard again. It makes me realize I just need to get me a new laptop and stop over-researching.

Up until today I've had a lot of mixed feelings about school starting up again--a bit anxious, dreading the early mornings again, not overly fond of a stricter schedule, not sure how the kids will respond/act since the spring home school was awful....but on the otherhand, getting them learning again, seeing friends/new friends will help them immensely.

I have to say I am pretty impressed with how the school district has prepared for the start of the year. A lot of communication, timelines, milestones, drive up grab/go with supplies, etc.. Reminded me a lot of a corporate america project plan. And knock on wood the technology on my girl's device and our i.pad we are using for my son are working pretty well. We are able to log into their learning management tool and of course the multiple zoom calls a day. The only thing I'm struggling with is simple ole email....I didn't get the welcome email from my son's teacher which I thought was odd because my girl's teacher sent  welcome email, a slide show introducing herself, and several other info emails. I thought it was odd his teacher wasn't sending, but come to find out, I just wasn't getting. AGH! I think as long as the attachments are too big, I'll get them from now on. I hope.

Schedule:

Kinder/My Boy: For the first 3 days my son has a zoom call at 8:30-8:45, 10:30-10:45, and 1:45-2:00pm and that is it!  I am SO thankful someone in charge recognized that long zooms for 5 year olds just wasn't a good idea. Unfortunately we had a technology glitch or something and we waited and waited for his first zoom to start and we never got pulled into the meeting. Afterwards I emailed w/ teacher and the meeting did happen, so something was goofy. I'm kind of bummed we didn't get to attend the very first one, but it's fine. He had a picture to draw today of himself. Yesterday we got to meet his teacher via a 1:1 zoom and first impressions were good. She normally teaches 1st grade, so this is her first year teaching kinder. I actually noticed the teacher my daughter originally had is no longer listed on the school directory so she must have retired. Yes. My son seems to be doing okay so far and I'm noticing his attention span is much better now than it was this past Spring. He even said he liked zoom. He was a bit shy meeting his teacher over zoom, but I'm realizing that that is where he needs the most growth--social skills. He has a hard time working through frustration, feeling left out, worrying about doing well, etc.. I'm a bit concerned, though, that academically he will be so bored. They sent sight words and reading books and math with the take home folder and oh wow, he did that about a year ago. This is the downside I suppose of him being on the older end of the class as well as he's been trying to keep up w/ his sister. I'll have to monitor to see how it goes.

3rd/My Girl: First off, I'll say my girl hasn't wanted much to do w/ school at all. I've been telling her about the emails I've gotten, etc. to start prepping her and she just is not interested. We got the intro video from her teacher and she didn't even want to sit there and watch the whole thing. Oy.  It probably has to do w/ the fact that spring at home school was miserable for her. If she thinks back to that, and then thinks that we will be doing that again....well, I can see why she's not thrilled. It was a lot of push/pull arguments about assignments, etc.. that made for some long days.  But I do think now that the school had time to prepare, it will go so much better.  So far, one of the funniest thing is when I was going through the list of kids in her class who signed up for the teacher meeting we came across the name Titus. She started screaming and getting so excited. She says finally he is in her class. Apparently this is the boy that the girls at school think is so cute. OMG. Of all the things to get excited about, this is the only thing that made her seem truly excited. I don't remember boys being a big deal in 3rd grade, but it's been awhile.

My girl’s new, still unused backpack lying on the floor.

Her schedule is a bit lengthier as she has 4 zooms a day: 8:15-9:00 zoom, 9:30-10 zoom, 10-10:45 specials, 11:45-12:15 optional zoom Q&A, 12:30-1:15 zoom, 2:30-3:00 zoom. This is for the first 3 days then next week they will start a new schedule. Same with my son, I think.

I'm really impressed with her teacher, she seems very one top of things, she loves math which should be a good fit with my girl since that's her least favorite subject, and she just has a very kind demeanor. She also has 3 dogs which my girl got excited about-somewhat. I'm really hopeful that this will be a better year than last for her. I think it will.

Unfortunately their schedules don't mix well with times, so it feels a bit back and forth for me....but it's only day one. We'll get used to it. It will be like this until labor day, then supposedly back to school in person. Time will tell what will happen for sure, and how that will go. The strange thing for me is that it just feels like the summer didn't happen somehow....like we left off with zoom calls, and now that we've picked them back up it's like the break wasn't even there. School starting again seemed so far away and how could we manage all day every day......and guess what? We did. We had some bumps here and there, but for the most part, I feel like we were able to get in some summer fun like biking, lots of swimming, lots of cards and games, they got to go to old nanny's for a week. 

More to come.

Birthday and School

Well sure enough the school district changed plans and rolled back in person school option at the start of the year. Now, school will still start on August 19th but it will be online only until Labor Day. Then, school will continue online or in person. Today is the deadline for requesting online after Labor Day—and I didn’t fill out the form. I’ve struggled with this decision for awhile but it came down to feeling like the kids’ mental health benefit would outweigh the risk.  I do think that’s what’s been happening with my son as well. If I think about it, I’d probably struggle too if I had to hang out/play all day every day with the same person for 6 months. It’s a lot for any kid.

The school has started sending weekly emails updating on next steps. I enrolled my son in kindergarten so will now have two kids in elementary school. When did this happen?? I have to say I am thankful he missed the birthday cutoff and had to wait an extra year for full time school. He needed the growth and development. So, my kids are 2 years apart in age but 3 years apart in school...I kind of like that.

We haven’t gotten what the Daily schedule will look like for online, so I’m curious how it will be. We got a rough outline that shows 8-3 and activity slots and I just rolled my eyes. Not in this house will that happen, with either of them. So, I’m hopeful that there will be many slots that are flexible. My son lasted about 10 min max watching his teacher teach on video, so yeah.

The principal did say that the first 3 days will be the teachers trying to “build community”. Not sure how that will go with zoom, but I’m keeping open mind.

I’m kind of in the mode of wait and see. I’m not too worked up because if the plan stays, they will only do this for a few weeks until Labor Day. My daughter keeps reminding me, “no offense mom, but you are not a good teacher”.  More to come.  I think we find out class Teacher assignments on Monday the 17th. I really hope my daughter continues in same class as her little friend June and my son doesn’t end up in kinder class with teacher my daughter did. That’s why we ended up going private for kinder.

I did send an email to the principal back in May pretty much demanding my daughter not be in the same class with the boy who caused so much trouble for her this past 2nd grade year—there are just some kids I don’t want her anywhere near. Will see if my request sticks.

And now it’s time for a Covid birthday. Awhile back my girl hand made invitations and mailed them out. 

She drew little tacos for her “Invutashon”

I honestly didn’t expect that people would want to come due to the virus, but lo and behold they all wanted to come. I let her continue planning and we got decorations etc but in the back of my mind I kept worrying about whether it was safe to do—even with a small group.

So, just today I actually decided to go ahead and cancel the get together. She was a little disappointed, but we are still having all the festivities, just with me, her brother, and old babysitter from old city. A few of the friends will still drive by to say hello and drop gifts so that will be good for her too. Our mail order piñata and plates never showed up, but we’ll still find those somewhere else. We’ve kind of been munching on the candy already, but hey. It will all work out. She still seems excited so that’s really the most important to me.

We had my daughter’s 8 year well visit (a bit early) with her Dr and it went really well. She’s doing a lot better than a few months ago, grew 2 inches from last year and gained 12 lbs! Even with that she’s still in the healthy weight category because she’s so tall—90 some percentile. Girl is gonna be tall just like mama yay! Over the last year they both have noticeably stretched....when I watch the two of them walk ahead of me they are so much more big kids.....not my littles anymore. My girl wears 10s and my son is out of the T’s and wears big boys 6/7s. Oy!

As for me, and I’m still working on limiting caffeine and looking forward to what’s next when school starts. I will miss the lazy mornings we’ve worked into where we wake, eventually eat, play games, and don’t typically get going until 10 or 11. My kind of morning. We’ve still tried to keep an active ‘thing’ daily and for the most part it’s going to the neighborhood pool. I’m thankful they’ve stayed open.

Summer is winding down....and I’m ready for a break in the heat!

July

Sometimes many things happen or I have a lot of ideas about a post, but then can’t decide what/ how to write it all out—and then just don’t end up posting. So instead of doing that I’ll just capture a few things I’m thinking about.
—my son. I think we’ve regressed with attitude and behavior. He went from being pretty even, totally energetic to being very very fussy, whiney, argumentative, etc. he’s going to turn 6 in October so I’m just hopeful he’s in a phase. The other thing he started is he is getting really down on himself lately. For example, just tonight they were using a home store kit and making who knows what. When he tried to hammer in a nail he couldn’t get it and says, “see I told you I’m not any good at that”....or something along those lines. I can’t figure out when he says it whether he just wants reassurance like “yes you are, son”. Or if it’s for attention...or what. That’s one thing I’m sensitive to because I want my children to have strong senses of self esteem. It bothers me to think that he might think he’s ‘less than’ or not good enough’. He’s saying things like that at least a few times a day. Also saying, “are they gonna laugh at me”?  Maybe it is just a phase as he’s starting to pay attention to the world and people around him? Regardless of why, I hope this doesn’t stick. He is a sensitive soul and can easily get his feelings hurt or feel left out. Especially when his sister makes friends wherever she goes.

—I haven’t talked about construction house in a looong time but it’s the house I remodeled to the studs that finished last year. I ended up renting (not selling) it to a couple, their toddler twins, and a dog. They were going to lease through Sept 30 but asked to end early if I wanted to sell. I took a risk and let them out early July 11. Side note: after they moved out we saw that their dog peed in 4 areas and stained the floor so bad I have to replace the wood floor in those areas. I’m only going to take one of the areas out of their deposit because the floor guy didn’t come until after their walkthrough and saw the other 3. They are fighting and trying to say the spot was there when they moved in. Puh-lease. The house was brand new! And maybe even worse is the husband has turned into a macho a%%hole and was puffing up saying things like, ‘so this is how it’s going to be now’ after telling them they are responsible. When they finally left after the walkthrough they came back to the door 3 times to argue about the damages and to tried to get me to sign some inventory sheet. Not happening. I was SO proud of how I handled the confrontation—stayed in control, letting them know I wasn’t going to fold with intimidation.  You ruin my floor you are responsible. You paint the walls with the wrong paint to cover holes, you are responsible. This is the big big downside of renting.
Anyway, the reason why I let them out early is I wanted to try and catch the summer buyers. Funny how things work out because as I’m running around getting flooring people, painter, drywall guy, etc my realtor says hey, we’ve got someone who wants to rent it. I weighed pros and cons and ultimately decided to go ahead and rent again. I think the market will be better next year and I can only hope the virus is gone. Lease will be signed tomorrow. Yes!

I never did post pictures of it so I think it’s time to share a few.
The kitchen progression:

The master bath progression:

As you can imagine, it took a ton of time and a ton of money. I learned a lot with this project by making a lot of mistakes. Biggest one was not having the right contractors/crew from the get go. As I think back to this renovation it seems such a long time ago already. So much has happened since then, but it has only been a year since it was finished.
I am still very proud of the result. It was done right, and if something wasn’t, it was redone until it was right—even though it cost more money.  I proceeded with the remodel as if I would live there and what I would want—which actually isn’t best approach when you are making business decisions.
Had no idea how big a project and how long it would actually take. And I did this while working full time as a single parent. No idea why I thought this was a good idea.
Regardless, I’m proud!

—the virus. This is such a tough one. It’s getting closer to home. My nanny/babysitter told me her grandpa tested positive and was in the hospital, her mom and dad got it, and she could have been exposed because her boyfriends cousin tested positive and she was living at the same apartment with him. Her aunt wouldn’t let her go back home because the grandma was there. She got tested this week and thankfully she was negative. I had to not allow her to come for 14 days. She said her grandpa not doing well because virus has really damaged his lungs. So sad.over 140,000 deaths in the US.  And cases in my state continue to go up up up. It’s making the decision about school a bit harder. Our district is starting August 19th and they are offering in person and online options. It would sound like a no brainer to do home school, but it really was awful. For all of us. I wouldn’t be surprised if they roll back in person, though, as many other districts are starting at least the first 3 weeks online only. Will just have to see how everything is over the next month.

—kids went to stay with old nanny in our old city by themselves for 6 days. First time they’ve been away from home and I was here. Old nanny came up with the idea when I found out no babysitter for 2 weeks and I was lined up to deal with contractors at construction house AND my apartment rental. Tenant moving out July 31 and the AC was not working, of course. Just a lot of things to take care of. So, she offered for them to go and I hesitated...but they were screaming yes! in the background. So I figured why not try it? They are 7 and 5 so I felt more comfortable—just a little. And, if it didn’t go well I would go get them. Turns out they had a great time, were busy swimming and crafting, and were gone long enough to miss me and want to come home. As for being here without them? Weird. The energy was just sucked out of the house. I didn’t really like it if I’m honest. Yes it was a break, everyone said enjoy it! But, I missed them, was a nervous nelly about them being ok, and just felt a gaping hole. They are all consuming but it turns out I love that. One thing I chose not to do was chores: didn’t do one dish or pick up anything. What’s interesting is as soon as the kids got back a switch was turned on in me—I’ve done loads of dishes, laundry etc.. What I learned from that is I prioritize much better when they are here. If I’m by myself and it’s up to me? I tend to do nothing. My favorite part about the whole trip was after we met halfway, I picked them up, and we were driving home, I got this warm, peaceful feeling in my soul: my babies were back where they belong—with me. And I truly think they felt it too. We had such a good first few days back. Now fussies and attitudes have returned, but hey...it’s ok.

—my daughter is obsessed with her birthday. We’ve been talking about it for weeks already and it’s in August. She’s decided on a fiesta theme. We’re getting a piñata, a cactus cake with chocolate and vanilla, and some super cool decorations. She even hand-made her invitations, addressed the envelopes, and we mailed them out. Ive reminded her a few times that it’s likely going to be just us due to the virus, but she’s having fun planning anyway! So, I let her plan.

Reopening Halted

Big sigh. Our state is having a crazy amount of new virus cases since reopening began, ICU beds are at capacity in my city, and now they have halted reopening. The mask battle is on again and they made wearing one mandatory again in certain counties, closed bars completely again. Turns out the age group seeing the biggest spike is 30-39, then 20-29, then older 40+.
Apparently people here think they are invincible, didn’t need to wear masks, and socially distance. Apparently cramming into a bar was more important.
I’m honestly feeling mad. Mad that a lot of people don’t seem to give two craps about other people. Wearing a mask is not about you. A girl on the news said it best that following the rules is not political it’s about humanity.

I’m thinking I’m in a similar spot as others in that I’m fatigued. Is this ever going to end?? When can I go to the store and not worry I’m going to catch something that could make me die? How many bottles of sanitizer will I use? How many more times do I need to say ‘No’ to my kids and have them answer for me ‘It’s because of the virus’.?

I was starting to do more and more back in public and feeling less anxious about it. The more I did the better I felt about being back ‘out’. For example, I debated a bit about swimming classes. The school we went to last summer was offering one on one lessons for group rate in month of June. At first I ignored the email, but as time went on I thought more/did research. The instructors wore shields, they checked temps, sanitized chairs after each class, etc. SO....we did it. They’ve had class Monday and Wednesday and it’s been really good. The kids have really liked seeing other people again and getting to do something other than ride bikes and just look at parks they couldn’t play in. My son has even learned to do some strokes and last year he was just learning how to float. He’s come a long way.
We also started going to our 2 neighborhood pools once they opened. When it’s 100degrees there just isn’t much else to do. You have to stay socially distanced in the pool— which for me is easy but my extremely extroverted daughter just can’t help herself trying to play with someone other than her brother. I don’t blame her, really. She has likely felt stifled at home.
Side note, but a good one, is that we have again gotten some improvement with moods/behavior and I can’t be more grateful.

It seems that with the pause in reopening they are only shutting back down bars. Pools, retail stores, etc are remaining open.
I can only hope it helps stop the rate of infection.
The governor did say that schools will be returning to in person instruction in the fall however, given where we are now, I suspect they could roll that back too. Please no.

Overall we are hanging in there like everyone else. However, I took a look back at my goals I set up and I’m not doing so well. Not well at all.
1. No caffeine: fell off wagon. Every time we or I eat out I get a fountain Diet Coke. And I will say it’s so delicious, I love it and there’s a reason it’s addictive for me. I get a ‘good feel’ when I think about it for lunch and I get a ‘downer feel’ when Im not going to have for lunch. Ugh. I looked back and can’t believe I quit for two whole weeks. I had been working on trying to find a substitute like the caffeine free but it just isn’t that good. My therapist told me something that was a light bulb—there probably isn’t anything that will substitute. She’s probably right. But, I just don’t want to give it up right now.
2. Limiting eating out: fell off wagon. Took kids 3 x this week and we actually went in the restaurant (clearly stopping that ASAP). This one is just me being lazy and using it as a coping method.
3. Better sleep hygiene: fell off wagon. I read that one book ( actually liked it) but when my girl struggles to fall asleep sometimes until 11, I still want my ME time. That and because of the caffeine I’m simply not tired.

So, this is actually good reflecting space. I didn’t realize until now I’m just way off track. Crazy off track.  Honestly I keep telling myself just hang in until August when kids go to school...THEN I can really focus. Then I ask myself why not now? And then I tell myself I’m not sure I have it in me right now, that’s why. I’ve told myself that these are hard times. Maybe all that is excuse. Well, it kind of is, but at this moment I’m ok w it.
My mental conversation at its finest.

On some happier news, this has been a major summer of firsts for my son.
He:
Learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels
Lost his first tooth
Potty trained overnight (yes!) He simply decided one day he was ready. That’s how he does things.
Learned how to swim
Got his first pair of goggles
Jumped off diving board for first time
Got a new bed
Held a baby for the first time
Finished preschool

Some exciting, fun things during this crazy time in our lives.

Hope you all are staying safe and healthy.

Emotional Day

My sister told me awhile ago that even tough my Dad was cremated, the woman he married bought a plot and they were going to bury him. She said they had talked and they were going to do a military salute since he retired from the navy. Considering the pandemic I assumed it would would be awhile before they did anything.
Well, my sister calls me a few days ago and said they were going to the cemetery today. I don’t have any idea why today. There isn’t a significance of this date that I am aware of. And then I started thinking and getting a bit upset. What if I did want to be there?? There’s no way I can fly, or take a several day road trip with two small children..and all at the last minute. I wouldn’t have thought given the pandemic that they would have done a graveside gathering. Ultimately I’m not sure I would have gone but not really having a choice is what bothered me the most. Although, to take some ownership I could have asked about it
As we talked again yesterday she told me that my estranged sister, one of my dad’s two sisters, my sister I talk to, and my brother were going. We tried to figure the last time she/we saw my other sister and it’s been 6 years we think. Since my niece graduated high school and she’s now 24. She wasn’t sure if my sister was coming alone or bringing her husband and/or 3 kids (24,will be 22, will be 20 this year).
Just thinking about everyone getting together brought up anxiety for me. There’s so much history and real reasons why we are estranged from my sister and her kids. It can be a bad recipe when there’s emotions, not seeing each other for years, and putting all that in the same area. The sister I talk to also has a hard time holding back when she’s upset. It’s actually just sad. We all lived under the same roof growing up.
I had told a friend of mine over this past weekend about the funeral and she asked about whether I was joining by FaceT.ime? I hadn’t even thought about it and mentioned it to my sister yesterday. We agreed we would do it.

So, today I attended my Dads funeral by face.time. I ‘rode’ in the car with my sister and brother to the cemetery. My brother is actually going to be 40 this year and us girls are 45,47,49. Wow.
The people in person were my sister, brother, my estranged sister and her 3 kids, one of my dad’s sisters (who is in her 90s) and her friend, and the woman my dad married. I say it like that because my mom was his wife. Period.

(Pause for me to sob for a minute).

I’m just thinking about my mom/dad married and how fractured we became after she passed—this year will be 12 years. Now, both my parents are gone and I haven’t seen my estranged sister in 6 years. She’s never met my son. My sister I talk to has a lot of struggles, and I’m not that close with my brother. I’m processing these emotions real time as I’m writing this out.

Back to the car ride we pull up to cemetery and there’s a tractor next to a plot. I asked my brother why there is a tractor, but he doesn’t hear me. It’s raining hard there, which feels fitting. My brother turned the camera around as we all watched them putting dirt over the box. They ended up not being able to get the salute due to the pandemic (no surprise and why the timing was confusing) so my nephew played the salute. It was quiet no one said a word.
Once the man put all the dirt on he simply turned on his tractor and left. My brother asked if I wanted to see the plaque and I did. I didn’t have much emotion until I saw his name, date of birth, date of death.

(Pause. Lots more crying)

Then, it was over. No speeches, no talking. Just quiet, respectful.

They all decided then that they would gather at a restaurant. As everyone was getting ready to go something just came over me and I wanted my estranged sister to see ‘meet’ my kids. I send her Christmas picture cards every year but she only saw my daughter when she was 2 and never met my son. She was crying/hugging my brother and said yes. So, I called in my girl and my son and explained this was my sister and brother. I hear my sister saying my son looks just like me. My daughter showed them one of her toys and my son showed them his missing tooth. And just like that they were off again. But not before asking why I was crying.

My brother and other sister took me back in the car and we debriefed for a few minutes. I said that lunch could be tough but we all need to be kind. My sister asked if I was talking about her and I just said...’well..?’. She got the point.

That was much more emotional than I expected or was prepared for. Actually, when my sister initially called I was still in bed.  Babysitter came this morning so I was just using my time to rest/relax.

I’m sure I’ll hear more after the lunch. I just hope they can all be civil to each other. I hope no one mentions money ie that my dad willed everything to that woman. That my dad took over my moms 30k stock which was supposed to be used for grandkid education and willed it to her. That my estranged sister made a lot of bad choices. Yes, please universe let them eat in peace.