Burnout

So my bright idea about buying an investment property helped me get to a pretty major place of burnout this summer. That’s why I haven’t written in 3 months. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t just the house....it also coincided with a reorganization I was supporting at work. The process to go through that effort is massive, so not only was the workload high, but stress was even higher. And that was due to having such short deadlines, political crazy, a boss that sucked, a coworker that couldn’t get his shit together so my colleague and I were not only doing our work, but doing his and fixing his too. My colleague and I worked late at work, went home and put our kids to bed, then got back online for more...and then weekends too. We did this for about 2 months. On top of that trips to the construction house and major decisions to be made. On top of that.....my son’s sleeping was just terrible. He was getting up in the middle of the night, waking multiple times a night, getting up at 4 or 5 something. Kind of just like a newborn. I didn’t even know which way was up half the time.
I cried some. I called in reinforcement from old nanny a few times.
 It. Was. Nuts.
At the end of all that craziness we notified 150 they no longer have a job. It’s a hard thing to be part of that side of corporate America. Seeing people cry, grown men cry...just ooof. And of course our own function is going through a reorg at the same time. Why not, right.

I’ve been in corporate America since coming out of grad school in 2002 and I’ve had a lot of great experiences. I’ve gotten to travel the globe to places like the UK, The Netherlands, Singapore, Doha Qatar, etc. and met some amazing people/friends along the way. I’ve worked for one of the best bosses ever from the UK, but I’ve also had 2 bosses that were beyond terrible (one I work for right now). I’ve also seen and experienced a lot of ugly. It’s not for the faint of heart because gone are the days where people retire from one company (mostly) and it’s a dog eat dog culture. Here one day, gone the next. A really good friend of mine was just told she’s being laid off after 17 years at one place. And she truly loved that company, kind of part of her identity. A change in leadership can decide whether you are awesome, or now suck.
My heart hasn’t been fully invested in my career in awhile. I’ve stayed in it this long because it’s provided a really good lifestyle for me, and now me and my children.
I think everyone from time to time questions what they are doing for their career, their lives, etc. especially when things are tough. I’ve done that a lot lately. Every morning when I see the herd going in the doors to sit at their computers, do the same thing mostly that they did yesterday, and go to important meetings to feel important.....and climb the ladder to where again? As much as people don’t believe it, everyone is replaceable in corporate America.
I know I sound pretty jaded and this sounds depressing. I’m personally not depressed, I just know  there’s much more to my life than spending my time doing that.
SO......I may take a big step and walk away from it. At least working in the ‘big machines’ and slow it down a little. I think other countries do this so much better than America. I’m all for siesta times and smelling the roses.

In the background I’ve been planning with my financial advisor the ability to have options—and I’m at a point where I’m so very proud of myself that I now can decide what I want and be able to afford it ie work part time, work somewhere else, take a break, etc...I’ve really been thinking through where I want to raise my children. It’s been part of my thinking since having them really. Just a few months ago I started thinking about the Midwest again. The schools are pretty great and the value system, people etc are just different than in a major city. I crave community. So I’ve been searching real estate there. However, I’m  not sure I’m ready to pack it all up and go, so I’m exploring things here I.e maybe we move to construction house back in town? That certainly wouldn’t be before the end of this school year, though. Even so, what do I reeeeeaaally want to do?? To answer honestly I’m not sure.

So many other things happened over last few months...for my girl a 6th birthday, first day of first grade, first lost tooth. For my son, I’ve decided...he talks a lot. Like really a lot. He spent his summer talking. And swimming. From the kid that was in speech therapy none the less.

I’ll have to come back with some pictures, but since I’ve thought about posting so many times, now that I’ve finally done it, I can start up again and it won’t feel so overwhelming.

I’ll just end with a saying my son says almost every night to me—and we talk now because I’m sitting in the recliner next to his bed until he falls asleep since he was in the phase of jump out of bed as many times as I can in one night....the camera broke so rather than buy a new camera for a 3 year old a said no way, here I will sit. It does work to keep him in and me more calm...but does take time. It worked out fine this summer because it helped to quiet my mind—and since  I was so exhausted that after lying in there until he fell asleep I’d often wake up realizing I fell asleep too.

‘Mommy I love you whole in my life’ and sometimes I’d get an additional ‘in my heart’...and  if he’s feeling extra loving, ‘you are my best mom’.
Awwwww. ❤️

I guess I needed another project

As if I didn’t have enough to do.....I decided to buy another investment property. It is a close to original 1950s single family home in my old neighborhood I refer to as ‘The Grove’. It’s only 2 streets up from my original house in that neighborhood I bought 15 years ago. It kind of just came up when I was talking to my realtor friend that I’ve worked with for 10 years or so. My garage apartment tenant is going to move out so I was talking about that and mentioned wanting to maybe get back into my old neighborhood.  And she said, hey the house across the street from me is up and that’s what started it.
Ive thought on and off about going back into town instead of the burbs. What stops me from doing it right now is 3 things: our nanny, my job is out here, and schooling in town is questionable at best in that area. It’s revitalizing and ‘turning over’ but it’s not there yet. Although I was so surprised at how many kids I saw when driving around a few weeks ago.
Lots of memories there with my mom, my daughter was brought home from hospital there, riding through the neighborhood on my bike for many years, etc. and the biggest thing—I feel happy there.
So, because prices keep rising I thought why not buy now, rent it out, and who knows...in a few years when I maybe choose to be a stay at home mom then, I would consider moving in again. There is a lot to offer with kids, but less playgrounds and trails within walking distance. That is what I love about where we live now.
Interestingly I didn’t get the house first go round—it was only on market a few days and I was the second offer. They agreed to mine verbally and after we submitted contract they said oops, wait...we got a few more offers so bring best and highest. I didn’t change my offer so they went with another buyer. I got excited, then pretty disappointed.
WELL.....that offer fell through and a few weeks ago they came back to us and asked if we were still interested. Yes I was! So after some negotiation after foundation inspection, closing will be at end of month. Then contractor needs to get in there and do some major wall fixing, painting:updating, then process to rent out. Interest rates on investments have gone up some since I bought my last one, but was so proud of myself for shopping around, have two lenders compete even though I was getting pressure to choose one from both my realtor and one of the lenders...i got what I think is a great rate—5.25%. My other one bought  in 2012 or 13( sad I can’t remember) is 4.125%.
Anyway all that to say I am pretty excited even though it will be a lot of work and added stress. It was a big financial decision, but considering I bought and sold 3 times in that neighborhood and did very well....I see that continuing. And that will help me get closer to my financial goals.

Some exciting news: we have a garden now!!!! My girl has been asking since last summer if we can have one and I knew I’d need help from old nanny. Last she was in town they all went to store and found this city dweller kit where it’s an orange box with wheels and drainage. We planted 6 cucumber plants in there and they bought a hanging strawberry plant which has been a big hit with my son. He talks about how long it will take for the berries to turn red every night, then every morning he races outside to see if they are red. When one did turn they both were so excited and came screaming into the house that we had a red berry to pick.
Here it is.....we cut off the dark parts and all had a taste. Now, if I’m honest it was a bit sour, but the process of planting and growing has been so much fun.
They do need watered everyday so either me or nanny take the kids out with their watering cans. I may be enjoying it as much as they are!!

Lately we’ve had some rough days. I’m not sure what it is about being with mom, but both kids have been acting up on the weekends....mostly my son. Last weekend was one for the books. My girl had been asking to make cupcakes (which I have never made w the kids) and I said sure, let’s do it Saturday. Since we had never done it before together it was a big deal. Well, that morning it took us an hour to get out of the house with their shenanigans and first stop was the bank. Neither of them would listen, my son wouldn’t stay on the bench, they were just squirreling around. Well I warned them I needed them to listen. Then I warned that if they continued we wouldn’t go to store to get cupcake stuff. Well it continued until we got to car so I said no cupcakes. The looks on their faces about broke my heart. My son cried all the way home and threw a tantrum and my dayughter cried  too. They both went in their rooms and cried more. Oh man I felt so bad because I was looking forward to doing it too. We made the list and everything. But, I did feel like they had to learn time with mom is not a free for all and I mean business—especially in public.

So, after rocking my crying children I said hey guys, let’s have a better day and we can do cupcakes on tomorrow on Sunday. That seemed to feel better to all of us.

I did also apologize for hollering at them in the car and explained that I need them to behave for me. The thing is, in the grand scheme they weren’t terrible ie not yelling at me or anything, but they just wouldn’t listen. It was an exhausting day.

However, Sunday was much much better....here they are enjoying our first time making cupcakes. And yes, both of them have headbands and nail polish.

We are getting ready for kindergarten graduation next week already. I’m sad because this has been such a good year at school for my girl. I went for her conference last week and felt just so...proud. They said she was one of their best learners, loves school, is a good friend, and is very sweet to her teachers. I can’t ask for much more.  I’ll admit I cried during conference because it just felt emotional. Like leaving their nest. Although thankfully my son will be going to the school this fall and he will have the same teacher my girl did when she started. Wow already.

We also just went to last chapel yesterday ( they do it on Wednesdays). They have the birthday kids get up on stage and my girl got to be up because she has summer birthday. She’s been so excited about it like it’s her real birthday—she even found a birthday pin for her dress. A dress that seemed too long last summer and now is verging in too short. Oh these kids.

I also cried yesterday at chapel because for the first time I let my son go up on stage too with his sistereven though it’s just for the school kids. They sing this song where they jump up and down and wave their arm. As I was watching both of them, together, just so happy and free...seeing MY babies up there. I just couldn’t stop the tears. I’m such a sap I’m crying now thinking about it. I really believe through all the crazy hard, when these moments happen I’m just so happy it makes me cry. What can I say?!

Three-nado

I’m not sure if I know what hit us yesterday.....oh wait, yes I do. It was my three year old son who from the minute he got up wouldn’t listen most of the day, back-talked, made messes, and broke a lot of things. He destroyed many things in his path including what little mental energy I had.
I honestly don’t know why it was so hard other than maybe we were off schedule? He needed more attention? He was tired? Starting to get sick? Or it was just plain him being three.

Remember the days when he was in speech therapy? Well, think we’ve clearly graduated. He talks talks talks and is now getting sassy. I’ll say ‘Son, time to sit down’....his response, ‘Time to sit down YOU!’ Meaning I need to sit down. Ummmm what?! ‘Go to your room YOU’. ‘Stop YOU’.
On top of that he talks so loud! Like he hasn’t learned what inside voice means so not only does he talk but it’s like he’s shouting all the time. And yes, his ears have been checked.
It took us an hour yesterday to try and get ready to leave so I could go sign my taxes. He just wouldn’t listen no matter how many calm downs he had.
I was on the couch and he was crawling on me. Normally that’s fine but his elbows and knees hurt sometimes. However this time he had  gotten up and was raising his leg and I said son, please don’t step on me. Sure enough he took that step right on my hip—ouch!
Then when I was getting ready I heard something crash and he had broken my girl’s ceramic bunny by throwing it down and its ears broke off.
Then when we were trying to get out the door I hear ‘whack’ my girl starts yelping.... he somehow hit her in the head by pushing her or from the door.
Then after we get back he walks out of his room with a pile of wrappers—he uses inserts in his pull ups at night and had unwrapped a bunch and stuck them around.
Then I found the top of the soap dispenser broken.
Then I found clothes all over his room. He emptied his dresser drawer because he said  he was trying to find his jeans.

To say it was a rough day is an understatement. It was flat out exhausting and I would have called in reinforcements if there were any to call. I’m proud that I didn’t resort to any spanking etc but I did shout a few times, which I don’t like to do.

The thing is, he immediately knows when he’s misbehaving because he’ll right away say, ‘Saw-ee mommy or saw-ee sissy.’ Then turn around and do something again.
He was in rare form and probably one of the hardest days I’ve had with him.

It wasn’t all him I was very tired from the lack of sleep I’ve gotten lately so it’s not surprising that when I’m not at my best, they aren’t either. It tends to go like that, but some days sure wish it would be the opposite.
Normally I perk up in the evening hours and  if you add caffeine into the mix I wasn’t going to bed until 1-2 am, then one of the two may wake up during the night, and then my son would be up in my room as early as 5:30....so a week or so of 3-4 hours sleep  like that just isn’t going to cut it.
Last several days I cut out caffeine again and was dragging with a capital D.
Sleep has been a problem for me since my mom passed back in 2008. Obviously the emotional toll then but I actually think that living under longer-term constant, intense stress really impacts your hormonal system.i don’t know that for sure, though.

I’ve been wanting to post pictures from our spring break but can’t seem to get phone to do. Tried to do one for this blog and couldn’t. May try one more time after this.
It was full week and we played at park, went swimming, painted, went to library, shopping, played at sand pit, had a birthday party for our cat that the neighbors came over to, played games at chucks, etc....good times although my son struggled napping so he was ‘interesting’ to be around by the latter part of week.

Even though he can be tough at three, he can say the most hilarious things. He still loves riding his purple cah around the house so when he came into the kitchen I said:
‘Where were you?” And he says, “At a woman’s house”. I burst out laughing on that one....
He is also still so snuggly and gives the best hugs and kisses. He’ll come over and slowly lay his head on my leg and put his arms around them and say, “I wuuuuv you”.
Awwww
He’s also telling knock knock jokes just like his sister. Most of them don’t make sense buts it’s pretty cute to see what’s going through his mind.
Like ‘knock knock?’
We say who’s there?
Mom.
Mom who?
Mom......ummmm.....mom blue! And cracks himself up.

The other thing he says a lot is poop, pee-pee, and toots. In that order. Go figure.

It’s a good thing my son is so charming because even after the rough day we had today was much better and he gave lots of hugs and kisses. I’ll take it.

Next up we have registration for first grade next week already. I pretty much decided that we will try to go back to our public school this fall and see if it isn’t better than first time around. I did send an email to the principal like she suggested back when I spoke to her in January. I wrote that we needed someone a bit ‘softer ’ And my girl is used to a lot of smiles, hugs, and positive encouragement and responds well to that. Principal did respond and said she’d add to her notes and copied her admin so guess we will see. Another positive is that I ran into a woman at the park who’s son is also in kinder now and she said they ended up making a 7th kinder class because each class was just too big. That took size down to 20-ish which is better. I also asked them what they thought of the school and big bummer they said they weren’t the people to ask because they weren’t big fans—-for many of reasons I wasn’t (big classes, lots of boys, lack of parenting, some peer group kids questionable, etc).
I realize no school is perfect, but I will say I LOVE our private kinder and have no hesitation saying it was best decision. The kids/parents/school are great. Such a bummer they stop at kinder.
I’ve decided we can try and if for some reason not good, I’ll have to search out another private and just will spend a fortune on nanny and school...even more than I do now.

Other than that, My aunts surgery is coming up, I’m going to try a counselor through work program and see if I like her—several sessions are free, and I learned one of the last closer friends living here accepted a new job and is moving away. Big sigh. Even more reason I need to connect with my girls school, church, etc.

Sad News

Well......some very sad news in our family. I got a call from my cousin and she said my aunt has cancer. My mom's only sibling Uncle Phil is married to Auntie Lynn and they are the ones we have been going to see in the Midwest for Thanksgiving over the past few years. They have 4 children and one of them is my age (43) and she has the 5 kids ranging from 15-3.  And....Auntie Lynn is the one that my children started calling grandma because she is the closest to one in our immediate family....this makes me so so sad.
Exhale.......just jeepers.
My maternal great grandma died of breast cancer, my grandma died of breast cancer when my mom was only 20 so I never knew her, my mom died of carcinoid cancer that metastasized to her liver, etc.., and now my aunt. If I think about my Uncle Phil--all of the main women in his life have had cancer.
So, it started out that she started getting stomach pains and back in early March and my cousin basically forced her to go to the hospital because it just got pretty bad. They initially diagnosed her w/ diverticulitis, however while she was there they of course ran several tests.  That's when they found the appendix cancer. It is apparently very rare and it's a unique kind of cancer. She had a tumor grow on her appendix, it ruptured and spread the cancer in to her abdomen. Her stomach lining, etc..and they don't know all where it is.
What's a bit crazy about this is she 73, but looks much younger....she doesn't smoke, drink, never did drugs, is very petite and not overweight.....works out, eats healthy, etc.. all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself. And, if not for the diverticulitis (which she did have), they may not have even found it now because apparently you can have this and not even know it!
She just had a colonoscopy yesterday to see if it had gotten into her colon and it at least is not on the inside---it may still be on the outside.
The plan is they are going to do this massive surgery.....they will operate on her in a few weeks where they open up, debulk and take out any cancer they can see as well as any organs that can be removed that have cancer, then they put chemo inside her abdomen, heat it, then take chemo back out. It is apparently up to a 12 hour surgery and then she will be in ICU for several days.  All the research I read says that this is the treatment they typically do for this, and sometimes they do chemo before the surgery (which they are not), and after....which I'm not sure what the plan is just yet.  She is on the older side for this massive procedure, but she is in a city where they have a specialty group that does this procedure.


I've been staying in touch w/ my two cousins and have called my aunt/uncle a few times. Have yet to talk to them, but my cousins are keeping me updated.  I asked my older cousin Lisa how she was doing and she said, 'Well, you know how it feels, you've been there'. 
Sadly, I do......and it is the single most worst thing I've gone through in my entire life.
I know it was a shock to them because they are all very close. All 4 kids live w/ in 2-30 minutes away from them. And my aunt is still taking care of my cousin w/ the 5 kids' youngest during the day.


I am just hoping and praying......and hoping that this surgery does what it is intended to do, she does well from it......and then we just see.
Wait and see......

Spring Break and other stuff

We are off to a bumpy start to Spring Break. I'm sitting here just trying to refocus and breathe a little since our day was pretty hectic and frustrating.  I would like my children to behave for me the same as they do for nanny. Just for a day even. I know kids act the worst for their moms blah blah....I just have such a short fuse when it comes to when they constantly do the same things over and over no matter what I do or say.
Lately they are into yelling at each other. "Stop It!" is one I hear all the time from both of them. I've noticed since my son is talking pretty well now they verbally fight so much more. Something as simple as "I'm first"...."Mine's the biggest"....I'll for sure hear..."No, mine is!" "No MINE is!" and louder and louder they go. They've also started wrestling and scratching and being more physical. I think it starts out in good fun, and someone ends up hurt. On top that, once my son finds something my girl doesn't like, you can bet he's going to do it over and over.
Today it was my son mostly. He didn't nap long and he just continued to do the opposite of what he was told most of the day. He didn't behave in the bike store (still trying to find him a helmet that fits him) since he has two bumps on the side of his head that make the toddler ones too small, and the youth w/ the chin straps not long enough....anyway we were trying to find a blue one of the model we think may work, since my son wanted blue. Long story short trying on helmets is one of his least favorite things to do....he sighs, he rolls his eyes, he stomps around, he starts getting louder....he gets on the little bikes and rides, I tell him to get off, I need to pay attention to the salesperson, I turn around and he's back on, I make him sit by me...he scoots away.....all that kind of craziness. Today it felt like I wasn't in charge and I don't like that at all.
Since he acted so poorly in the store I told him he had to sit in the basket at the next store. Would you know he fussed and moaned, and cried, and asked to get out the....entire....time. I tried distracting him, giving him a Band-Aid from the pack, shushing, etc..and nothing really worked. Sigh.


He got his cast off last week and he's been limping, which they say is normal. His little calf muscle is much smaller so it will take time to build back up. When they did the second set of xrays sure enough it shows the fracture plain as day. I'm beyond frustrated (pissed actually) that we were sent home after the original xray and it wasn't until I said this is not going to work, called the pediatrician, and then called to get an appointment into their ortho clinic 40 minutes away. That Dr. clearly said it was broken and casted it. They should have never sent us home considering he couldn't bear any weight and we couldn't even touch his leg.  Actually, I'm filing a complaint w/ the hospital--it won't fix our issue, but it seems to be a pattern. And they are a children's hospital! We can't be the only child that has come in w/ a toddler fracture! This is the same hospital that two years ago the ER dr.sent us home w/ out an xray on my son's arm and sure enough when we went back to outpatient xray the next day, it was broken. Same hospital that we went to ER from ambulance w/ my girl when she had crazy fever and they triaged us, and sent us right out to the front waiting area as if we had walked in the back door.  Terrible experience w/ them all around. We won't be going back again.


The other thing w/ my son is besides the healing w/ the broken leg....and let me tell you, it was much harder than I expected. He was in a LOT of pain throughout and it was just plain hard. He had it on for 4 weeks and after a couple of weeks, it started to smell a bit. I thought it was just because it was on his foot, but it actually had gotten wet somehow even though we used the cast bag every time for shower....the bottom of his foot had tissue breakdown that looked like cuts and a small black area.....think that is what we were smelling. Talk about feeling like a bad mom.
Anyway, even before the leg he started not sleeping well at all probably at the beginning of the year....just not going to bed until 1-1.5 later than he should have, waking up during the night, and up at 5 or 6 something for the day....just exhausting like a newborn.
He also played the.....I'm going to get out of my bed, and come out as many times as I can. No matter what I tried, he would NOT stay in that bed. My girl never did this, so it was new territory for me. I feel super triumphant....well, I can't take credit....my nanny got out the video baby monitor that I never used. I now have a camera where I can see what he's doing and as soon as I see his little leg I call out, "Son, lay down"....grumble....jump back down....but he did it!! I showed him the camera and how I would be watching him and for whatever reason, he WILL lay back down if I catch him trying to get out. So now, instead of coming out 7-10 times......he tries once, I catch him, tell him to lay down....and he stays in. MAGIC!!!!
The other AHA I discovered was his bedroom door. All along I've kept his door shut when sleeping since he was little, but I started leaving his door open a few months ago, really just because he asked me to. I thought fine, sister has hers open, shouldn't be a big deal. Interestingly enough, nanny happened to close it and my son slept until 7am the following morning! I thought maybe it was a fluke, so the next night I closed it after he went to sleep and he slept until 7:30am!! He hadn't done that in months. I just couldn't believe it. So now, you can bet that once he falls asleep I close his door and it has helped so much in getting him to stay sleeping longer in the morning. YAY.


My girl....my girl did ok today....she tried to distract her brother, cleaned up when asked, did really well in bike store, etc. and got a lot of positive praise for it.....however, she had several times where she was bound to tell me SHE was right, get grouchy and moody, and it's really not until she decides to behave differently, then she does.  We've had a good week of her really yelling at her brother (unacceptable in this house), getting fussy w/ me......just looking at me w/ her mad face. She has had a cold and if anything puts her into acting this way it's being sick or tired....or both. It's no secret my girl is not the easiest to parent. She was really tough at 2 and 3....4 was pretty glorious in comparison...and 5 has been in the middle so far.  Part of it could be she still has been complaining about being tired since November. Dr. doesn't believe anything major going on since we had blood work few months ago. However, since she was still complaining I took her back in recently and Dr. explained that perhaps she is just now showing her 'preferences' i.e. rather than go out and play, she prefers indoors and she may take more encouraging. I'm not convinced.....but since her bloodwork came back normal and she really hasn't had any other symptoms other than sporadic tummy aches, there isn't much else to check on. It could very well be that the transition to all day school is enough to wipe her out...the only issue I have w/ that theory is she was in school Sept, Oct and first part of Nov and nothing....then it was right before thanksgiving where she had gotten sick and hasn't been herself since.  I have noticed, however, over the last few weeks she's perked up a bit i.e. asking to go the park....being super silly sometimes, running a bit more in the house, etc..Nanny noticed it too. So, we'll just continue to keep an eye on her.
The part I am struggling w/ is when she does not want a hug, or my arm on her leg, or whatever.....she can get snarly. Like really fight if I try harder to give her a hug. She pushes away, flails,  etc.. This changed a bit when she turned 4 because I swear she gave out all her saved up hugs and kisses.....she was very affectionate and it was just so awesome. And, I guess I was just used to that, and now it's reverting back a bit. I think it's more correct to say that she is still affectionate---on her terms again. Hugs etc are beyond fine when she comes to me. It is hard to deal w/ for me. Maybe because I had seen and experienced change....or maybe because it's such a different dynamic with my son because he is soooo snuggly and huggy and still sits in my lap...leans on me when sitting next to me, etc.. I worry about how the push/pull w/ my girl is having or could have on our relationship going forward? Or if it is now? I know it's hard for me so maybe it's hard for her too.


Back to Spring break...I'm going to try and keep us in a schedule this week I am looking for things to do in the morning and the afternoon. I will be home all week w/ them, as I decided not to go out of town. I don't have the energy for it right now and our friends' children are still in school this week.  I found out there is a public indoor pool that is free! and we just have to sign up the day before. We are all ready for that and got my girl a new swimsuit yesterday. I wish I had taken a picture because my son tried on her suits too. Hope we like the pool because if so, we'll do that every afternoon. In the am tomorrow I have a car oil change appointment....and will be looking for craft time at a store as well. We will also take some family bike rides, go the park etc.. The challenge for me is cooking all day since nanny does their meals during week. We are stocked up w/ groceries so I'm sure it will be fine. Just not my most favorite thing to do.


The other thing that has happened over last several months is some changes to friendships. I'll have to write more about it, but the gist is I have a friend that I met at the start of my career back in '02-'03. We made fast friends and have been super close ever since. We've gone through a lot of life over the last 15 years....changing of companies, my mom's passing, he moved to Boston, he got married, birth of my two children, passing of his grandpa, etc....just a lot. Well, he's recently hurt my feelings pretty deeply and when I told him about it, he hasn't talked to me since then, and that was end of October. There's certainly more to the story, but it's been kind of hard because I didn't expect to lose a friend at this stage. I used to trust him unconditionally and it's been a hard thing to deal with that he's choosing to not communicate. The hardest part for me is this is who I have set up as a guardian for my children. So, I'll be updating my legal documents, etc.. because clearly if he doesn't want a friendship with me, it seems, that's fine, but it's non-negotiable when it comes to my children. In all honesty, it's not just what's happened recently...it has always bothered me that he and his husband wouldn't have been able to be a mother to my children...but I did what I thought was best at the time.
Things change. and not always in the way you would expect, but you just have to move on....


Another friendship issue, I'd say is w/ our old nanny....we've had ups and downs as all friendships do, but I'm struggling w/ her as well. We had a conversation this past week and neither one of us were budging. I don't normally hold a firm line on anything unless I believe firmly in what I think. The bigger picture, here, though is that she has her own issues to deal with and I think she needs counseling. She's the personality type to try and take care of everyone else but not focus on herself. Her family dynamic has not been super positive and it really has impacted how she thinks and feels about herself. It's sad, really. She said she will look into it and only time will tell, I guess.


It's been a bit tough dealing w/ these issues as it has made me feel w/out a 'rock'. It's not a comfortable place to be....little lonely, little sad.  However, I don't plan to stay in this space for long....I really need to build my network of friends (and mom friends) here where I live---all but one of my good friends don't live here. I think I'm going to reach out to our school which is at a church to see if they don't have connections there. I also am looking into counseling myself more as a sounding board for parenting, developing goals, etc.. I think it would be really good.


Even though my note may not seem too positive, I really am looking forward to this week w/ the kids as we had such a good time last year...No work and I could just focus on them and us. I really really hope the time change and their schedule change w/out school and normal nanny doesn't disrupt their behavior too much going forward. That, and hoping they start feeling better from these colds they just can't shake. I am also proud of myself for planning ahead for us!


Here's to Spring Break.

Ouch

It’s kind of ironic the last post title was ‘smile’.....I started writing the post below last night and stopped abruptly at around 9pm. Here’s why:



Last weekend on Sunday we decided to go to sand park which is about 8-9 blocks away. I wasn’t sure if we were going to dinner afterwards so I said we could drive. Well both kids pleaded to do a family bike ride and take the frisbee so I relented and said sure, why not? It was about 4:30 pm so figured we’d be fine to ride there and then do dinner at 530-ish.

The weather was on the cool side which felt great to me and when we got there another mom with three kids was there. My girl is quite social and seems to make park friends quickly so she started playing with one of the little boys. Well, that left my son to run after them and/or he and I did swings, climbing etc. after awhile I was standing next to the mom and we started talking. I learned her kids are 5 and the twins were 3, same age as mine. Then her daughter got on one side of the teeter totter and my son decided to get on the other. We were standing there close to the middle and they went up/downna few times and right at the top of the up for my son........I saw him slipping to his left and next thing I know he’s on the ground just wailing!!! He fell basically down about 5 ft—straight down. Immediately I thought, oh no....he was wailing so hard and wouldn’t try to stand up so I picked him up and he buried his head in my shoulder and held on to my neck so tight like a little monkey.

I just knew this wasn’t a little bump. So with him not putting his right leg down I panicked for a brief second because I have two kids, 3 bikes, and a long ways from home. The mom offered to help watch our things while I took them home to get the car, bring them back, then load up our stuff.
I carried him all the way stopping a few times just to put him down—he weighs almost 40 lbs. and the poor kid cried all the way home.

Once we got home put them straight into car and we went back to park. The mom was so nice she and her kids helped bring our bikes/helmets/frisbee/waterbottles over to the car. I actually went back and put my name and number on napkin and gave to her saying maybe we can connect at park another time because she was so nice—older, worked full time, kids same age, my girl became quick friends w her son.

I then needed to decide urgent care, ER, or what to do....by then he had settled down and wasn’t crying and it was 6pm so off to McD we went to eat quick dinner. I carried my son in and he sat at the table fine. Since we’ve done the ER before and learned nothing happens fast I eventually decided to just wait overnight and call the peds office in the morning. I know we would need X-rays but they could then be done on outpatient basis. The peds said they needed to see him first so off we went early Monday morning. Before we left, however, my son was sitting on a kitchen chair sort of eating breakfast and forgot he was hurt....next thing I know he’s on the ground yelping and screaming because he tried to get down. Can’t tell you how bad I felt about that one since it was my idea to put him there.


Seriously mom. Can we go in already?

Our pediatrician said normally with breaks she’s 50/50 on whether there is one but she told us she’s 95/5 based on her assessment of his leg. She sent orders for us to head over to the children’s hospital to get X-rays. Same outpatient place we went in February 2 years ago when he broke his arm from falling off the train table. Positioning him on the table was very painful and I for sure expected them to say it was broken. Next thing I know the tech said the preliminary reading didn’t show a break so we should head home.
Huh?! What?! No flipping way. At that point nothing else to do but go home. Both nanny and I said something is seriously wrong he was hurting so bad, wouldn’t bear weight. I was so distraught I called our peds office back to ask what now??

She recommended starting Tyl.enol/Motrin alternate every 3 hours and call to get in to children’s hospital orthopedic doctor as soon as we could get an appointment. I couldn’t fathom waiting even a day so when I called I said any campus was fine. Of course the one 5 minutes from the house had no appointments until Wednesday so I originally took one at a satellite campus. Then I looked up the doctor and said no way, she had just graduated in 2017....so they said another dr in city’s medical center hospital had opening so we took it—about 40 min drive no traffic.
I decided I wanted nanny with me so I went to pick up my girl from school early since I knew we couldn’t make back in time—turned out to be a good experience for her to see all that happened.
So we get there, dr comes in and I was so surprised he had like—no personality, bedside manner ummm not so good. Supposedly he a specialist in field so whatever. He felt up and down my son’s leg and found where super tender (tibia/shin bone) as he winced whenever he touched it. The dr looked at the X-rays in the system and said he didn’t see a break BUT—he said at this age he sees patients all the time where it IS broken but it doesn’t show on X-ray. He diagnosed him as having a tibia fracture. The way to treat it is to cast it so off we went to the casting room.

Considering this was our first go round with casts I assumed once the cast was put on he would feel better. It was actually just the opposite. The cast just plain hurt. It was heavy and due to swelling it was tight. Once we got home he just didn’t want to move from the sofa. This poor poor baby. The picture below was from the end of the day Monday after peds office, x ray hospital, ortho hospital visit, then drive home. It was a lot.

Around Wednesday he seemed to want to at least get off the couch so that was progress. He actually sat on the floor, then went to crawling, then to standing (but not for long). It was like watching his infancy all over again where he learned to do all those things...but it was all done in one day. The other thing that I realized was wow....in a way this is what it would be taking care of a special needs child i.e. even though he's three he couldn't do anything for himself. That was pretty sobering.

We've continued to give him motrintylenol and he did okay Tue/Wed night however, Thursday night he woke up from 3-5 am just very restless.....and last night was downright horrendous.

At the beginning of the post I mentioned I had to stop writing this post last night.....I had put him to bed around 8 and he didn't fall asleep until 8:30 ish. Then woke back up at 9pm.....he just could not get comfortable. He said his leg was hurting, he kept tossing, turning, and crying....I went in there numerous times to see what I could do and finally just stayed in there in the chair. I held him for a bit, but that didn't help much.....I gave him his scheduled doses of medication, that didn't help...he just kept trashing around, teeth chattering, said he was hurting.  Not knowing what else to do, at around 10:30pm I took him into the pack and play I had set up next to my bed so I could lay with him. Unfortunately that didn't help either....he kept crying out as soon as he was about to drift off that 'It's hurting'..'My weg is hurting'.....I started to get desperate the later it was getting....around 2:30am I think he finally drifted off. I'm pretty sure I did too.

However, around 5:00am he woke up again crying out and saying he was hurting. I gave him his dose and laid with him to try and comfort him. Kept telling him I know, I know......I'm so sorry. There just wasn't anything else I could do!! He fell back asleep until around 6:00am and he was up.

He didn't seem to find any relief at all and quite frankly was now exhausted on top of it. So, I could only think that maybe his pain medicine just wasn't enough to help him.....maybe because he started crawling around a lot more and that was aggravating it? Easier said than done because this morning as soon as they opened we went to a pediatric urgent care we've been to before and they said they couldn't help us since they can only do motrintylenol. They suggested going to an adult/child urgent care. I called another one and they said they don't do anything else for prescription pain. They did, however, say that my hospital that my pediatrician is in does have an urgent care and maybe I should try there.

Noone would answer the phone so here I go dragging them to another place (not to mention my girl is sick also, she has a head cold, is exhausted, and is in a bear of a mood). Ultimately the ER Dr. came out and he listened to our story and said there really isn't anything they do more than what we are doing, since he is 3. If he were in serious pain they could give him a morphine shot but that didn't seem like a good plan....and of course as he was sitting in his stroller he was not crying out, so the Dr. says 'looks like he's okay now'.....well of course he is because he's not moving!! That is so aggravating. Did he want me to pick him up just to show him how he cries out in pain?! He said the only other thing would be to admit him as an ER patient and write a script for something stronger, but they wouldn't have it there AND they just don't do it very often.  I felt a bit defeated after that, so we just said thanks for the info and headed home.

I have continued to give him his doses and the Dr. did say just to help him relax and potentially help him sleep I could give him some bena.dryl. So after lunch I gave him like 1/2 a dose and he is laying down now.......sleeping. He is finally sleeping.

I am just exhausted. The minute I would almost drift off last night he would call out.....his thing is 'Mommy, I neeeed you'. I told him to yell for me instead of trying to crawl out, so he does. In fact on Wednesday night maybe, he actually crawled out of the little bed and went into the toyroom around 9pm. I kept hearing something and thought it was the cat. The stinker wanted to play apparently.

So we went from him being mobile like that to having severe pain last night (which he did not Mon, Tue, Wed, or Thurs) at night.....it's got me nervous and worried. I'm hoping he didn't hurt himself more and perhaps it's just aggravated or swollen from him crawling all around during the last few days. The Dr. did say that since he has a cast on already it is very unlikely he could hurt himself again.

All I know is this takes me back to the night he was a few month old and nothing, absolutely nothing would console him. My old nanny ended up walking him up and down the street in the stroller until he fell asleep, and slept maybe a few hours the whole night. Then I had my girl who was two at the time up and ready for the day.  At least now that she's five she is more independent and is happy to watch a lot of shows. She needs downtime too because she isn't feeling good either.

Hard parenting times....there's not much worse for me than to see my baby in pain and I can't fix it or console him.  It's a terrible feeling knowing he is hurting terribly and only time will hopefully help.

Big, big sigh.......

On a positive note, he has loved getting in the shower....it just really feels good for him. I used one of our play table chairs and have him keep his leg outside the shower curtain.  Since this picture I've gotten a cast bag which works great....but before I put on a garbage bag and masking taped it around his knee.  At least there's been at least a few smiles in the last week.

Smile

No matter what phase we are in the middle of, there are ALWAYS things that happen that make either  my heart swell or I find myself laughing out loud—even if it’s all by myself.

Today was a beautiful day—to make up for the rainy day yesterday that cancelled our home owners association park snow day which no one communicated was cancelled and the neighborhood showed up to, including us. Anyway today started out with the most glorious gift: I can’t believe it my son slept until 7:10!!!!!! It has to have been many weeks since the last time this happened.And here’s the even more amazing part: he took a nap for me yesterday too for the first time in a looong time!! You know what I think? He hit a wall and was just as exhausted as I was. 

What’s so cute, though, is in the middle of all the sleep issues his language/words are expanding. When he came in my room this morning he got up on the bed, gave me a big ole hug, then said....’mom. I have a question’. I don’t remember what he asked me but he told me all about diving in the pool where trees were at the bottom.

Some other funnies:

Today we took another family bike ride to sand park. I was worried because it’s a bit far but both of them pleaded to go on their own bikes so we did. At the park he was on one side of the teeter totter and no one would come to the other so he looks around and says.... ‘um a wittle help heyah pease!’ Haha! A lot of what he says has ‘yah’ on the end. ‘Why-yah?’this is what I hear at least 50 times a day. Even if I explain it, at the end he says , ‘why-yah?. Finally I say ‘because I said so’ and that seems to do the trick.

Last night he decided to use the potty before bed—something were trying to get back into. Well after I put him on he looks at me and says,”mom. I need privacy’. What?! Oh em gee I laughed out loud on that one. I said sure son, I’ll wait out here—with a huge smile on my face.

The other thing he does lately is he is now being verbally dramatic. If he has to give something to his sister for a turn, or has to put something down, etc he says, ‘Now I’ll NEVAH get my purple cah back!’ Or whatever it was he had. There’s this park we drive by that he still hasn’t forgotten some kids were not nice so whenever we go by he says, ‘ we’re Nevah going dah! Kids push me!’ I don’t recall him getting pushed—I think they threw mulch, but whatever....apparently we’re never going there.  ‘Now I’ll nevah get my book back’....with a big sigh, arms folded.

Inside I’m secretly smiling because it is just too darn cute.

The other thing that my girl does lately is knock-knock jokes. She makes up some seriously silly ones that don’t make sense, but hey...she has fun. This one yesterday, though, takes the cake...

My girl: ‘knock-knock’

Me: ‘who’s there?’

My girl: ‘mom’

Me: ‘mom who?’

My girl: ‘how did I get such a good mom!’

Awwwwwww, I soooo needed that yesterday after my son was up most of the night and up for the day at 5:30am. Maybe that’s why he napped for me.

On the bike ride home today my son says, ‘dis is da best bike ride evah!’

I’m so enjoying how they are loving our bike rides as much as I am.

And I’m not sure I can believe this one....as I’m sitting here in the recliner I do believe my son has fallen asleep and NOT gotten out of his bed 5+ times.

Now that’s worth a smile.