Hard Decision

I've been thinking A LOT about my children's guardianship lately. Maybe because I ordered a suze or.man life documents kit online because I felt like it was time to update all of my legal docs. I currently have everything in place, but the one thing that I've struggled with is where I think the best place for my children would be if something were to happen to me.  I'm obviously hoping for the best and we don't ever have to worry about it because I'll be an awesome grandma someday, but I am adamant that I owe it to these kids to make sure they are taken care of to the best of my ability.  I learned all too well what happens when my mom passed how people's not so nice sides come up, and fast.

Currently, my children would go live w/ one of my very best friends and his husband.  I really really trust him and he's been a good friend in my life.  The thing that is hard for me to accept, though, is that in that situation, they would not have a mother.  I've expressed my concern to both of them and they've tried to say that no matter what, they would be there and accept the responsibility and do the best that they could....and I know that is true. BUT, there's a part of me that worries about that a lot. It's just something they can't provide.  The other thing is, they both are very well-travelled, travel a lot, and indulge in a great lifestyle...kid free. They take the crying and whining and early bedtimes in small doses (just like I did before I had kids).....They really don't know what it's like to parent, how self-less you have to be...but would do it because they love us.  How would children living w/ them impact their life, could they adjust, how would that be? Would they be resentful that children turned their life upside down?

The crux of my issue is that I have a really limited circle of people I would even consider, and within that, most I would cross off the list for one reason or another.  For example, I've written before about how my sister who I stay in touch w/ is not the right answer. It just isn't....and I know she isn't too happy about that, but it's how it is.  Another strong consideration was our old nanny Amy. I KNOW she loves and adores my kids and they her too. She is the MOST involved in our lives out of anyone we know (she really is like family) and just cares so much about us.  Seems like that would be a good alternative, right?? Well......her extended family (that live close by her) are not that nice. In fact, I would call one of her sisters bat shit crazy--and she actually agrees--and I don't want my children near the crazy. I even told Amy that I considered her but because her sisters are crazy, it just wasn't right for me.
Now, after my girl was born I did reach out to my Wisconsin cousin who I'm not super close with, but they did a great job raising their 3 kids and are empty nesters--not sure she's 50 yet. I asked them to be my back-up guardians in case something happened to my good friend as primary guardian. They said yes back then.

Ideally I would like a two parent, mentally stable, healthy, have parented before, mother included duo that would love my kids unconditionally and raise them well.  Sounds great, but my circle isn't that big and no situation meets all of those criteria. I've been struggling w/ the fact that this is not an easy answer for me and for some reason that makes me sad. Maybe a little grieving about how I would 'want things to be' if I had my way.

SO, in thinking through the people in our lives, my thought is.....maybe I change the primary guardian to my Wisconsin cousin--they meet most of the criteria above. But since we aren't super close how would they bond with my children?....I could just leave it as is, knowing that I'm really worried about them not having a mother should something happen to me.  I could take a chance on one of my single girl friends that I've known for years, but they don't have children yet, or even most of them have a significant other? And I'm not super close w/ most of them i..e they aren't in my children's lives as much as I would hope.

I feel like there is not an answer that I am at peace w/ yet in thinking through it today. Over time things may change and an answer may become clearer....but a big part of me wants to make sure all handled now. After I did the documents four years ago, I felt such a relief and peace that everything was taken care of.  just don't know on this one.  Oh, and if you happen to know me in real life (not sure anyone I know reads this) but if you do....please keep private.

I don't know if others struggle about these things, but I suspect they do.

42 with a 4 and 2 year old!

Man. I'm 42. Forty two. Not 40 or 41. It even sounds strange to say that's my age because it just sounds...old. Yes I had a birthday and need to update my bio.
And you want to know what I was doing last night? Looking up if 42 is too old to have another baby. For some reason I got the itch to research older mothers, etc. mostly I found if your heart says do it, go for it. I'm not saying that's where I am at, but what prompted me thinking about it was my birthday AND annual storage fees were due on my 3 grade B embryos. I just wonder are they boys or girls, would they look like my girl or my son, are they healthy and viable?  Although it's hard to imagine anything other than my babies now.
Let's face it, I've got my hands and heart full. BUT if for some reason I wanted to lose my mind and 'go for it', it would have to be soon...beyond my age now (and even AT my age) it's hard for me to imagine. I've not read any stories or blogs about single moms and by choice having 3. Lots about the 1-2 debate but I think beyond that it just seems nuts.

We hit a major milestone....my girl got her first haircut at 4!!!! With curly hair it's been amazing thus far in that it just keeps curling up, no real need to cut it. I figured though we should trim it and at least get the ends, or about an inch 1/2 or so. Well it shrunk like 5 inches!  I've slowly adjusted to it being shorter because seeing her longer curly hair is just oh so cute.

BEFORE

DURING--didn't get an AFTER!

We've gone back to preschool in the new class and she's doing awesome! She LOVES this new teacher and seems so happy. I am confident I made the right move by advocating for her and myself that the old teacher just wasn't a good fit. Easier to do in preschool I think because kindergarten I think you get what you get. Speaking of, she goes in the fall. To kindergarten!! I have to call our school because I think there has to be some round-up and the way preschool works it wouldn't surprise me if it's now.

What actually got me more was that we just did preschool registration for my son! We are sticking with the same school for him and we went to the open house last weekend. He will be in the 'older twos' class since his birthday is October and he'll be three.  There are only two teachers and I just put our preference as the one who seemed I connected with best. I wasn't sure about 3 or 2 day but I decided to try 3 at first.

That is if we are here in the fall. My company announced a move and I don't know what it means for our group yet. Unsettling for sure but I'm trying to just do my job and stay focused until I know something and can then decide what to do.
Honestly I am just tired of starting over. So many moves and with children as a single parent it is exponentially harder--I know because I've done it both ways. In addition to the move, I had the opportunity to talk to a manager in Chicago about a different job still  with my company and after talking through, I turned it down. I just didn't see enough upside of that location, that job, and financial considerations.

In meantime I'm trying to focus on decorating the house I have whether I stay here or go. I still have not hung anything on the wall and it's been over a year. So sad! I did try working with a decorator and I found that she was bringing her style in way too much, not hearing or 'getting' what I was envisioning, and cost a lot of money for not a whole lot. Live and learn. The reason I did it was these things overwhelm me and I have limited time, but the experience not great so I'm going to try and finish myself, still trying to finish picking out curtains.

I had gone through my emails from 2016 so I could write this nice summary of the year, reflect, and set out my plan for 2017. We'll, my phone ate my notes and I don't have it anymore. Gah!
What I do remember was it was a hard-ish year. My girl started preschool in January, and soon after that lots of  health stuff--my son broke his arm in February,  we had wave after wave of sickness, we took our first family flight in November, and a lot of no sleep. I had a lot of testing for eyes and digestion and sleep and a lot of time and money later nothing any more other than what I already knew--benign bleph.aro.spasm and mild sleep apnea. This getting older thing--I had shoulder surgery for sports injury (slap repair) in 2003 and I think it's just now acting up again. Add it to list for this year.

What I am focused on this year is getting stronger physically. Am doing more exercise with kids and want to keep it going by getting back into the gym for resistance/weights. I miss doing it.

I feel like I'm coming out of the haze/fog of raising babies and now can exhale a bit and get to know my girl as a blossoming precocious 4 year old and get my son to start using words to communicate as a 2 year old. I really am blessed with these children. The days are not easy but they are getting easier physically as they can do more for themselves.  My energy is returning (when no one is sick that is) and it feels good. I've stopped drinking diet soda w exception of maybe one or two a week. I find that I am much less anxious and sleep better without it.  I had been toying w starting Jenny eating program and just decided to do it two weeks ago. It is--ok. I find that it is very restrictive and I don't feel that great, lots of hunger. No bueno. So I will do the 3 weeks I signed up for them figure out a new game plan.

2017 will bring some exciting things our way, we are ready.

Grrr blog.ger. I wanted to add some detail about my birthday day at the top but can't figure out how. So I'll just add here it really was great. I was resting in my room and when I can out the nanny and my children had decorated my door, outside my door, the dining area--balloons, streamers, cake, present, and hande-made cards from the kids.
It was so unexpected and SO awesome to walk out to, it just made my day. And my girl couldn't have been sweeter--she kept hugging me and wishing me happy birhday ALL day and it never got old. I'm sure that's what my son would have said too ;)

Happy New Year 2017!

You know I've got a four letter word to describe our holidays.....S...I...C....K. In fact I looked back over 2016 posts just to remember all that happened and that little word was part of most of our year.

I want to first share a few pictures from the holidays...

I absolutely LOVE this picture with Santa

Here's what happened afterwards!

Poor kid....my son in these pictures had a respiratory infection and pink eye. Thanks to his sister.  This was right before Christmas so both of them had it......then right AFTER Christmas it came to me in the form of gunky cough and most likely strep throat. I went to Dr. finally after 6 days and got some antibiotics. I am finally on the mend.

So, that means we had sickness in our house from Dec 19 - January 6. Happy new year indeed.

Our Holidays....on the bright side I was so happy with the presents I gave everyone....my girl got her crutches and sparkly pink drum.....my son got a push shopping cart that he hasn't stopped pushing since Christmas.  I ended up with 6 presents each and that felt about right. Although when we added the presents from friends, relatives, and my sister....it was a lot under the tree.  My goal is to make Christmas not SO big.....I want them to enjoy presents, but not be overwhelmed and just unwrap one gift, throw it down, and go on to the next.

We did go to Christmas eve candlelight service at the church my girl goes to preschool at. It's the first time my girl could hold her own candle, and first time my son went.  Let's just say it was not easy keeping him busy during the service. He wanted to be BUSY...MOVING....and not sitting, and not keeping his hands to himself. He spent time drawing, coloring, getting up, getting down, taking a diaper wipe and 'cleaning' chairs and other people.

One moment that made me cry was when one song came on (there was a lot of music) both of my kids spontaneously decided to 'dance' in front of their chairs and with each other.....I just looked over at both of them and my heart just welled up. In that moment I would say I felt joy. Joy at having my children, seeing them so happy, healthy, and free to express themselves.....it was just wonderful.

On the downside...some of my sister's visit.  You never really know how it's going to turn out, and this one wasn't a great one.  I don't know what happened, but most of the visit....so--much--tension.  It all started when we were doing some shopping on the 23rd and I was exhausted from everyone being sick and not sleeping that I was a little irritable.  I noticed it and apologized to her. Well later into that day and into Christmas Eve she just started talking much shorter, talking less, and being quite snarky.  As an example, we were wrapping gifts on the 23rd in different rooms and we were sharing tape...for some reason I only had one. When I came out I stuck my arm out so she could give me the tape so I wouldn't look at all her presents--she throws the tape on the floor instead of giving it to me. Rude. Then later after we all wrapped our gifts she starting putting the presents under the tree....I said we should probably put them in the closet so the kids wouldn't get into them and she snaps back, "Why, don't your kids know the meaning of No?". Ummm.....yes they do, in fact. However you can't expect a 4 and 2 year old not to touch a big heap of presents under the tree. Gimme a break.

So later that evening I came out and tried to talk w/ her....I told her I didn't appreciate what she said about my kids and how she was acting towards me. She says, "I'm sorry" in a snarky tone. I said it didn't seem like she sounded sincere and she flips off, "Well, it wasn't".  I ended my attempt at talking w/ her after that. In fact, I simply decided I'm not going to feed into it and we simply didn't talk much.  It made Christmas eve and Christmas day just not a lot of fun. You could cut the tension w/ a knife as they say. She was barely talking and I didn't feel like trying to mend it. I tried, didn't work......and frankly I got so upset in my mind that I kept saying over and over....she needs to be accountable for her actions. She needs to understand that she can't just come here, act rude, and expect it to just be fine when she decided to start talking again (which she did closer to when she went home).

I wholeheartedly feel like she owes me an apology. The thing that gets me is I paid for half of her flight. For her to come and act like this with no apology? No thanks.

What I hoped was that my children didn't feel the tension, but they are pretty perceptive. In fact, since there isn't much conflict in the house in general, I think my girl felt some of it and it probably was strange for her....my girl would tell my sister--you need to speak nicely to mommy! (even if my sister was kidding about something).

There were some good times sprinkled in there.....the three of us played go fish at night, my sister cooked a lot and our Christmas day dinner was absolutely amazing (prime rib, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sparkling juice), opening presents and seeing the excitement.

Interesting though, my son wanted NOTHING to do w/opening gifts. Same thing he did at his birthday. He walked around, went into the kitchen, played w/ a toy here and there. He didn't want to open anything.

Overall it wasn't the easiest of times this holiday.....all the sickness, the up and down visit w/ my sister, the lack of sleep, etc...but we still managed to have some fun, decorate inside and outside the house, get the tree up, put up all the ornaments, got everything I wanted to get for everyone, and enjoy some time together...and some special moments w/ the kids.

I was going to review 2016 and talk about 2017 but I may save that for next post.

We spent new year's at home w/ the kids and our old nanny amy came to stay w/ us shortly after my sister left until Jan 2--for 5 days. It was so nice having her visit. 

I didn't want to do fireworks for new years so as the kids were done w/ their baths, jammies on......we were all sitting in my girls room. She said she had an idea and got a bunch of rubberbands....she said they could be our fireworks!! It was such a GREAT idea!! So we started shooting them at each other, into the fan, etc. we had SO MUCH FUN! We even turned on Katy Per.ry's Fire.works song on and at the top of our lungs we were singing her song, shooting rubberbands in the air, and dancing in the room.

Now THAT's my idea of a Happy New Year! :)



Christmas here we come!

Now that blogger isn't compatible w my phone (or at least I don't know how) it's much harder to post pics. I have to go old school and email them to myself then upload. I have the best one from my girls Christmas program--she's hugging her brother in front of the tree and he's beet red screaming his head off.
Ahhhh the memories!

Ive done a lot to prepare for Christmas--got our family cards ordered, got live tree, got more yard lights that I just love--they are pathway lights in the shape of a tree, 12 on each side, about a foot tall each. And with our lighted snowman from last year it looks so cute. OH and best deal ever we got a 3 ft tall ceramic Santa with snowman for the porch for 20bucks!!
I wanted to go all out and get roof lights but after trying to draw out how they would go I just said nah, maybe next year. I have 4 peaks on roofline and they are quite steep. I'm almost done shopping I have been picking up things along the way. My girls biggest wish??? Crutches. Next is a sparkly pink drum. So, those will be under the tree along with some much needed pajamas. My son also has some 'boring stuff' like socks and overalls but I'm so excited to give him a shopping cart. He pushes everything he can find.

I think the biggest difference between last year and this year is not having a three-nado and a 1 year old (who was teething terribly) not just coming off of an entire house remodel ann d moving in to new house, while working Full time of course.
I just have a lot more energy this year and the other cool thing is my girl is SO into the tree. We had an amazing time decorating the tree. We actually dug out the ornaments we didn't even touch last year. As we were unpacking the boxes my girl just kept ooing and aaahing over them. She'd say awww this one is so special!! I found a bag of handmade bells out of egg crates that my mom and I made and the emotion just washed over me and I started crying. My sweet sweet girl said 'it's ok momma, I know you're sad, sometimes I get sad too'. She then gave me a reindeer to make me feel better. I told her the bells were very special and that her grandma and I made them. She knows she's not with us, but I still talk about her with my girl.
It really can be emotional this tree--my whole life is up there. My mom had many ornaments made for us kids, handmade many herself...the earliest one was 1978 that I found. Then several from over the years that we always put on our tree growing up, a wheel of fortune hallmark one because I was obsessed with the show in elementary school, even tried to make my own wheel out of cardboard and sticks, volleyball girl ornaments, and the yearly photo ornaments of my children now, and their handmade ones.
It's just so special looking at all of them. Looking at the tree right now.

The one present is from my girl for me. She decided I needed a present so drew a picture and put it in the bag. Could not have been sweeter.

I've started doing something different in the evenings after work....right when I get home at 530 I load the kids in the bike trailer as a stroller and we do about a half hour loop. When I first started--about 3 weeks ago they both went kicking and screaming. I told them that's fine, but we're still going!! And now that it's more routine (pending weather) they are the ones asking to go. My son will go run to the back door and point and screech. My girl will say, mommy you said yesterday we could go...? And even if I'm a bit tired they kind of motivate me to do it. Like tonight. My girl and I have the crud--respiratory virus, she also has pink eye, my son got up at 520 this morning....but by golly we went.
It's kind of fun because after we're done I do push-ups and they help me count, and we all stretch, etc. I enjoy it...think they do too.
I think I just decided that I need to do what makes me feel good. Also reading stories online that are good reminders about making it your best with what you have.



Which brings me to my son. I think I was honestly the most frustrated  I've ever been with him--and it was at church. My girls preschool Christmas program started at 7pm, be there at 630. That's the  first issue because he is normally in bed around 715. Then, they had like 17 classes performing one by one and we were class 16.
I tried all my tricks like food, drawing board, letting him push the stroller, taking him to the nursery...and it still didn't work. All he wanted to do was push the stroller where HE wanted to--outside. Nothing else was good enough. He'd steer towards the door, I'd steer away, he'd arch his back, squeeze his butt, put his arms straight out and just yell. No convincing would do the trick. I even tried letting him push at the back of the church--nope. I think this was the first time where nothing I did worked--and we were in public and couldn't go because we had to wait for sister. Eventually her time was on stage and I just strapped him in, pushed him up to the front, knelt down to get the three minute video, and called it a day. As soon as we could a grabbed the kids some cookies, got my girl from her classroom, and drove quickly to the safety of our home. Whew....that was pretty stressful and I thought many times another pair of hands would have been welcomed.

My sister is coming tomorrow until Tuesday next week and I am off work until then so yay!

Funny--my girl and I were playing go fish card game and we tied. I said hey look, we both are winners. She said no, nobody wins when there is a tie. I asked her why couldn't we just say we both won? She said, "its the real world mom". !!

Something interesting--she's into telling people she doesn't have a dad. The dr just the other day was talking about mommies and daddies and she pipes up--I don't have a dad. I quickly jumped in and said that's right, we have a mommy, sister, brother, and fat boy cat. Dr didn't really know what to say! I did ask my girl later about what she thinks about  not having a dad and she said it sometimes makes her sad. I told her I understood and that it was ok to feel that way. I really felt bad because it's not something I can fix and she's very perceptive as a four year old. I'm not totally surprised she noticed but I am surprised she verbalized feelings about it, and sadness is the word she used. I don't WANT her to be sad or feel like she's missing out. Maybe next time I'll talk through that families can all be different--some don't have mommies, some have two daddies, etc.
You know she even said when she was trying to comfort me about the ornaments that she knows I'm sad that my mom is gone and she gets sad because she doesn't have a dad. Clearly it's something she thinks about so I want to keep talking to her, keep conversation going. At her speed though.
She continues to amaze me with her thoughts, verbal ability, creativity,  and wit..I have to keep reminding myself she's only 4!

Another topic for another time is we were just told part of our business is moving away from here. Whether I'm impacted and would be asked to move I won't know until 1st quarter next year. My boss also asked if I would be interested in putting my name in hat for job in Midwest that's open now. I'm not a fortune teller but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a move in 2017. Sheesh.

At least for now I'll just focus on Christmas!!

Thanksgiving and Looking forward to Xmas

Feels like it's been awhile since Thanksgiving already, but I'm determined to share our trip because I am so happy to report.....it went SO WELL!!

We were due to go out to Milwaukee on Wed the day before Thanksgiving and come back on Saturday early morning.  Of course I was nervous about how the logistics would go but I am so proud of myself for all of the planning I did. Heck, I even booked the flight back in July. I honestly don't remember a time where I've planned this much....i.e. I started laying out our suitcase stuff 2 days before!! I have always been one of those pack the morning of my flight and run down the gate while the door is almost closed.
I spent a lot of time looking into all options about 1) car seats (check through or rent on other end)......ended up checking 2) A really nice rental car or u.ber from airport......got a super nice rental 3) how to get to airport on this end (drive or u.ber).....we drove 4) How many suitcases/backpacks to take, what to pack......checked in 2 suitcases and 2 carseats, took with us a stroller, diaperbag, and 2 backpacks. 5) If we did drive to airport, where to park that would make it the easiest.....ended up parking AT airport in VALET, didn't even know they had this.


My girl has been SO excited about this trip that I was determined to go, even with all of the planning, and if I'm honest all the anxiety about it. She had been talking for weeks about meeting her cousins and continuously asking me their names and ages....my 4 cousins have 12 kids between them.
The morning of the flight it worked pretty well with our schedule in that my son was able to take his nap and we left shortly after 1pm. No problem getting to airport and the valet was fantastic. We just drove up, they helped us onload onto a cart, and the valet guy even offered to walk with us upstairs to the ticket counter. There were no lines at the counter and no lines at security--woop woop!! Once we made it through we got to our gate and had time to sit down and open up our travel/activity backpack that our old nanny Amy put together.  It was great!!! stickers, things to push buttons on, but the best was a magnetic drawing board each of them had where the pen was strung to the board and they could erase with just a swipe of the lever. No batteries required. We got those out often during the flight.
The flight itself was great....and we got so lucky. I only purchased 2 seats--well, did frequent flyer miles, and the guy who was next to our 2 seats offered to move up so we had 3 seats all in a row. That was so nice because on the way home we had just the 2 and it really was scrunched.  It was good for my son because after I buckled him in, he didn't try to fight and just assumed he needed to sit there.

Reading before take-off

My girl was really into flying.....she looked out the window, was so excited to see the other planes, watch us take off, see the clouds and watch us go in them. Just the sparkle she had made it so fun for me.  Once we took off I spent most of my time occupying them. We had the activity kits and I went from thing to thing for about an hour and a half (flight about 2 1/2 hours).....then I fed them pre-packed dinner of lunchables, grapes, etc of which they really didn't eat much of.  After that they were getting somewhat antsy so I pulled out the big one....tablet with shows pb.s. kids shows and a few movies downloaded on, as well as my i.phone. I had purchased 2 kids headphones for both of them.  That pretty much took care of my girl, and my son on and off played with whatever I could.
Neither of them had issues w/ their ears on the way out, but for some reason on the way back my son had a screaming fit when we descended. He wouldn't eat or drink for a little while there so not much I could do.

We got in around 6:30, picked up our luggage, and loaded up a cart where I was pushing that with one hand and pulling my son in the stroller with the other....and asked my girl to just hang on!  That was probably the hardest because I was pretty sweaty (I had even put socks where my thighs sweat the most because I just knew I'd sweat) and we still had a 45 minute drive ahead of us.  I got a little testy w/ the kids when I was trying to install the carseats and load us all up with our gear.  But, once on the road it was just fine. No snow and the kids were still hanging in there. Decided to drive through mcd before getting to my uncles house since noone really ate dinner and we ended up getting there around 830pm.

I wasn't sure how the kids would react to being in a strange place but as soon as we pulled in to the driveway my girl got out and walked over the door where my uncle and aunt were.....and walked right in to them! Started chatting away as if she'd been there before and it was no big deal. Awesome. They were super excited and wound up so I didn't get them settled until around 10. They slept in one room and I slept in another next to them.

Thursday am we went over to my cousin that has the 5 kids. My girl started playing with kids in 5 seconds. Again, like she'd been there her whole life. There is 1 girl cousin out of the 5 and she is 6 years old.....so they bonded and were best friends the rest of the trip.  I couldn't have been more proud of how mygirl behaved....she was so charming, confident, protective of her brother, just so great.
Now my son on the other hand did fine, but his cousin not so much........the 5 kids also has a 2 year old. The 2 year old boy wasn't used to sharing anything since his brothers are much older, so he wasn't too happy. He kept taking my son's toys, pushing him, whining, fussing about what he was playing with. My cousin didn't really know how to handle other than tell him no no, etc.. He even said to her, "You dumb mommy"....I gasped at that one.  I am thankful we don't have the influence of older kids in our house yet.....those words not okay.
It was getting close to lunch and my son's naptime so I was going to take them back to my uncles (they live like 2 miles apart)....and my girl didn't want to go! She said she wanted to stay and play. My insides got anxious about it, but my cousin said she'd be fine, if she got scared they would bring her back over.  Would you know that my girl was SO fine that she stayed with them until it was time to drive to my other cousin's for our meal, AND she RODE with them over to it.  She was just so happy playing with her cousins....she kept saying how her girl cousin was her best friend, she loved her, she loved my cousin, etc...extrovert at heart.   I do have a confession.....if I'm being honest a very small part of me was like, mommy...chopped liver. Didn't my baby need me at all????  But, the biggest part of me was just SO thankful she adjusted so well and was having a blast.

My brother arrived when my son was napping and it really was good to see him. He doesn't look any different (he's a big guy 6'7", 300+ lbs) and as soon as I saw him I said, "My brother's here!". What was nice was that since my girl was at her cousins, my brother and I got to sit w/ my aunt and uncle and just catch up on the last several years of stuff......my dad, up north property, my sister, what my brother is doing--he is now a butcher, all that stuff.  It was kind of weird that my girl was somewhere and I wasn't paying for a babysitter!  That just doesn't happen here, so it made me realize the benefits of family or friends that you can have playdates with would be really nice.
My brother also met my son for the first time after his nap and it went just fine. My brother may be big, but he is so gentle and just has a way where kids love him. My son wasn't afraid at all. Just went about playing like no big deal.

We ate dinner at my other cousin's house, which was fine.....if I'm honest again, the food wasn't that great. Several gluten free dishes that just weren't good...my kids barely ate either. I kept pacing around trying to get them to eat and I was super anxious about it. It was hard for me to let go of the 'they should eat'....and since they weren't, I just kept worrying. My uncle, etc. said hey go sit, relax, eat.....well......I don't do that while my kids are eating, especially if they aren't!  Ultimately the pies were brought out and both of them had some of that.  It's funny I don't realize how much I rely as much on our schedule as they do until we aren't in it. I kept feeling anxious about 'we normally are doing X' at this time.  I consciously tried to just relax and have a don't worry attitude, but it was hard.
There were even more of the cousins at the dinner so it was loud and chaotic w/ that many kids. It was a lot for me, but I tell you my girl just kept up with them. Playing w/ all her new cousins. She just didn't stop the whole time we were there. I remember doing that when I was a kid with my cousin who has the five kids....in my grandpa's basement they had a bar where we would make drinks with soda/play bartender, and try to get the nickel that was glued into the bar off. My step-grandma would make popcorn balls and we would play bingo. My mom's real mom died of breast cancer when my mom was in her 20's I think. So sad because from what my mom always told me her mom was awesome. If anything like my mom, I'm sure she was.  We always used to visit my grandma's grave when my mom was alive and we went for thanksgiving. I never knew that grandma, of course.....and it was touching, but sad because my mom would take a wreath and usually would be shivering cold.....and she'd cry, I'd cry watching her cry.  Lots of memories and now we are creating the next generation of them.
I digress.....
After dinner and the kids were going wild--my son doing his best to avoid his cousin that wasn't so nice-- all of a sudden the power went out.  Never did come back on so we went back to my uncles and got the kids ready for bed. Actually by then we all were wiped out, so it was a good thing we had a reason to head back and get to bath and bed.
The one thing that the kids had SO MUCH FUN doing???? Stairs. Up down. Up down. Up down. over and over and over.....at all the houses. See, we don't have stairs at all, no basement and attic is a pull down set so this was so amazing to both of the kids. They just loved it.
We spent Friday going to another cousin with the two boys in the morning, then went back to the 5 kids cousin's house in the afternoon.  This is where it got worse with the 2 year old and my son. I knew from the day before I had to watch him carefully.....and my son was weary of him as well. Well, of course when someone was talking to me I took my eye off of my son.....pretty soon I hear screaming from upstairs. I ran up and found my son face down with his cousin laying on top of him--assume he tackled him.  I haven't been in this situation before.....I wanted to take that kid and throw him off of my boy....but I calmly said, NO NO, we don't do that and called his mother.  My son was scared to heck of him after that. Anytime he saw him he would run to me and hide. It was such a bummer. My cousin and her husband were at their wits end because he wouldn't leave my son alone. They tried taking their boy in to the other room, giving him timeout, etc and nothing worked. Later my cousin said they were so embarrassed. I can understand.
My son was so upset about it that when we went home on the plane a mom and a toddler boy went ahead of us. Once my son spotted that boy he stopped in his tracks, started crying, and would NOT go past that kid. Awwww, my poor baby.

This story is feeling long, so I'll wrap up by saying that Saturday morning came early, I was up at 4:45am, had already packed car night before and got the kids into it around 515. My uncle was up to wish us well on our trip back and my girl was very emotional leaving. She said a few times we should move there.  As we were getting ready to go she was crying her eyes out, ran back over, and hugged my uncle (who she called grandpa and my aunt she called granny). It was so sweet.
And, we were at airport at 6. I was so glad there were two rental car attendants because they had NO CARTS. I started to panic because I couldn't figure out how we would do this.....then one of them offered to drive us around and drop us off at ticketing. He even got out and helped take all of our stuff to the counter. So darn nice.
Flight home was bit harder because we did only have the two seats.....the kids were a bit more cranky because of all the action, it was so early in the morning, etc.  But we didn't have to wait in security and got on the plane with no problems at all--again!!Other than my son's ears, they made it just fine and once we got our car, loaded back up, we were home by 11:30am.  That was a good decision to come back Saturday because we had the rest of that day and all day Sunday to recover.

In summary, the logistics couldn't have worked out better, my kids couldn't have behaved better, I was so happy seeing how excited my girl was playing with her cousins, it was so sweet that she thinks of my aunt/uncle as granny and grandpa. I have to admit it was kind of weird for me since that's not what I've called them my whole life and part of me was like, do I like it? but I think it's good for her to have people she can think of when grandma/grandpa come up. I do tell her about her other grandpa my Dad, but she hasn't seen him since she was a baby. I liked reconnecting with my aunt and uncle....I did cry once when we were talking about my mom.  Funny how four year olds just say what they think......my mom came up and my girl pipes up, "yeah, she died. She had a disease". My uncle didn't really know what to say so I rescued and said yes, that's exactly right. Something that was kind of weird is no one really offered to help with much, like hey, let me help you unload the car, or even asking hey do you need anything, can I help you.....maybe they just assume I've got it, but I'll tell you it was exhausting chasing after my son non-stop for 2 1/2 days.  Good seeing my brother. My sister decided not to go because she wasn't feeling well. Too bad, but it was a short trip so it was fine. Logistics and planning all worked out well.
Overall I am SO proud of myself and happy with how it all turned out.
One for the books!! Maybe we'll make it a tradition of going.  I did realize how much I miss the landscape of wisconsin and my cousin lives in an area that I could absolutely see us living in....in fact, it is what I would want....rural-ish neighborhood, lots and lots of kids, nice houses, great schools,etc. But, I wouldn't move there for my extended family i.e. they are busy w/ their own lives.

Now for xmas we are staying here and my sister just booked her flight today to come from the 22nd-27th. Then I assume our old nanny amy will come visit closer to the new year. We will probably go to a candlelight service on xmas eve......but I am still needing to get a tree up in the house and decorate outside. Our current nanny put up our lighted snowman and a few yard things, but I wanted to do up the house w/ a ton of lights. I even called a few services but not one called me back. Will see what we can get done this weekend.
I was thinking back to last year and just how exhausted I was...a 3/1 year old, we had just moved into the house in august, sleep was hit and miss, my girl's tantrums were so hard to handle., my son was teething on and off for months. I think back and realize why it was so much....it wasn't just physically exhausting, it was mentally exhausting. At the time my nanny kept asking why we don't have a tree, etc.. and I just couldn't muster the energy. I think we ended up putting a tree up mid-december.
I'm feeling much more energetic this year and am really looking forward to the holidays. I already have presents starting to come for the kids and my sister. Go me!

One last story.....I am still working on finishing the remodel, etc. to the rental house. When we were there checking on things the other day an old neighbor driving by stopped to chat. She remembered us and when my girl was only a baby. Didn't realize I had moved and had another one, and now that baby is already 4 and my son is 2. Well, she starts talking and my girl walks over and they lady says, 'where did she get that curly hair'....for some reason my mind spun a little bit because my girl was right there and I said, "her Dad" (which I never say)...then I was starting to say her "donor father" when my girl shouts out, "I don't have a Dad!". I stopped for just a pause then said, you are right baby, we have a mommy, a brother, and a fatcat too. Then we just went on w/ the conversation.
I don't know what made me say 'her Dad' because it's not something I say, and not sure why I stumbled about it....and I don't usually say 'donor father' to someone we don't know well...I usually just say, ' her father'. It's really the first time mygirl has vocalized to someone else in front of me that she doesn't have a dad. I do think I handled it pretty well and I know there will be more times.....especially because she always gets comments on her curly hair. They look at me, then her....and of course they ask since I am fair skinned and light brown/blonde hair. She has more olive-y complexion and brown curly hair.
My plan is to be honest, not hide anything, and continue to answer in an age-appropriate way.

And finally, I still am amazed at my kids.....my girl said the other day, 'hey mama, I made a burrow (out of table and chairs....she moved the bench to make a hole at the top) and it keeps me safe from predators". And my son, on command he will now say MAMA. Hearing his little voice say mama just melts my heart. I ask him to say it everynight while we are reading. Sigh.

My girl is changing preschool classes in Jan. The director emailed back and said she could offer the 4 day a week class. That may be ok because my girl said out of the blue last week that she wants to try afternoons again. What? Cool.....so that's what we will do.

Always something!

A little of this, a little of that.....

I'm delayed again in writing new posts. I keep track on my phone of all the things I want to write about when I actually sit down and start typing.  It's a long list today :)

MY SON
Back to October.....We had a birthday!! My son turned 2. 2!!! He really really looks like a toddler/little boy. No more baby. He's growing, growing and he is just thick. He's got a round belly, fat little feet, still some chub on his legs. I--love--it. He's seriously Fred flin.stone when he walks. He's got a long torso, so wears 3T tops and 24mo-2T pants, size 4 diapers--don't think we are close to potty training yet.

For his birthday, I had planned no party party. Our old nanny came to visit along with my sister.....so of course we made a cake and had presents.  A couple of old work friends asked if they could stop by and I said sure. And current nanny was here too. So, what started out as a no party party...turned into a nice little group. The funny thing is, my son was SO NOT into it. He could care less about unwrapping gifts, he wasn't feeling that great, he was whiny, clingy...didn't think I would even get a picture with him smiling. His two's are far short of even being terrible....BUT......he is very much pushes to see how far he can go, he selective hears you and does the opposite, and boy is he stubborn. He's made an art out of the sit down protest cry.
The party was very short, but just fine.

Our old nanny made this cake...I thought it turned out so cute

On the speech front.....no bueno. The speech therapy clinic actually made a mistake when they said he had been approved for more visits. Actually the insurance denied it and I just got the letter. I was really surprised and disappointed to see this because he has a legitimate delay. But in the explanation it says it's not due to sickness, injury, or autism, therefore it is denied.  I will certainly appeal, but this is a first for me....knock on wood until now I haven't had anything denied that was needed.  He's still not using his words, still grunting, pointing, etc to communicate, but he is still using his signs for more and all done.

Guess what? We are nuni (pacifier) and bottle free in this house. Oh EM GEE!  All along I had been telling my nanny that when I go out of town for my work trip to Colorado (week of November 7th--yes election week) that she would have to manage taking away the nunies. The reason I did this was because she's the main reason we ended up having them.  Sometime during a teething phase she gave it to him, he liked it, and they stuck.  And I didn't take them away because nothing else was helping.  Anyway, it's not been totally smooth sailing.....going to bed at night is taking longer because he's still learning how to calm himself down...I see him putting his fingers in his mouth only a little, but I think that's fine. It's been a few weeks now and every night still when we go into his bedroom he lays on the floor and looks under his bed. I tell him, "no more nunies, you're a big boy now"....then when we are done reading, I hold him to go turn off the lamp...we used to put nunies in the basket...and he leans over to look. I say every night, "See, no more nunies, you're a big boy now". And that seems to satisfy him, even though he does cry when he lays down now.

My son knows his alphabet!  During one of our nighttime readings before bed we were looking at an alphabet book.  Just for fun I said, 'show me letter....A. He pointed to it.  I thought sure, good guess.  Okay.....'show me letter....F. Pointed right at it. Got it right again.  Now I thought it was a fluke....tried again. He got like 7 out of 8 right. I could hardly believe it!! And since then whenever I ask him letters he gets them right. Just awesome. Tells me that this stinker is processing everything, just not using words.  I think he learned a lot of it from Supe.r Wh.y on t.v. It's one of his new favorites. He used to be obsessed w/ George.....but not anymore.

We had the most heart bursting, amazing moment yesterday. I ended up going over to my girl's school (will explain that in a minute), but I had finished my meeting w/ the director and was walking towards the door when our nanny and my son were walking back in to pick up my girl.  Well, it's a long hallway and I spotted them way at the end.  As we got closer and closer to each other I started waving. I bent down on my knees and as soon as my son saw me, recognized me, and he processed it was me.......he got this MASSIVELY HUGE grin on his face, spread open his arms as wide as he could, and started running as fast as he could (toddling still a little bit), and ran into my outstretched arms and he just melted into my hug. I wrapped my arms around him and give him the biggest hug and kiss on the head. I actually started crying my heart was bursting so much.  I don't know why that moment struck me so much, but just to see his little face absolutely light up when he saw me, and to just come running into my arms......sigh......it was just.....joy.

My GIRL
I am really....really liking four.  My girl has just blossomed into a witty, at times hilarious kid to be around. She comes up with the most random, interesting things. Just the other day she says, 'Look mom...those are strata cumulus clouds', WHAT!  We were driving the other day and I was mentioning we should turn left, she said, 'that's West. And we were just driving North'.  HUH? She was totally right! How on earth would she know that. I didn't teach her that....and to get it right? We were reading a book and there was a garden showing brown as the dirt. She points at it and says, 'that's not right. It's supposed to be soil'. Okaaaay then.
The other day my son was being particularly whiny. We were at the dinner table and we looked at each other both shaking our heads. I said man, he's so fussy I don't know what's wrong with him. She says, 'I don't know either, I don't speak whine-ese'. !! HA. This kid just amazes me with what she absorbs, is able to articulate, and use things in the right context. I have to keep reminding myself she is only 4...and just 4 at that.
She read her first word!! RACK.  We had a book that breaks down words into....ACK, etc. and adds letters to make words RACK, BACK, SACK, etc... She learned to say ACK......then when we came to the R.....she says......Rrrrrrake. VERY close and I'm counting it because she totally got the concept. Also, she has a very good memory with books. Just tonight when I tried skip words to make it shorter she KNEW! and busted me. 'Mommy, you forgot some words'. Doh. 

We've had a bit of a go with preschool this year. I am just overall VERY disappointed with how things have gone.  It's a long story but what it boils down to is I am underwhelmed with her teacher. She lacks follow through, has consistently had trouble with email so I don't get school information timely, offered up to do daily reports so we could stay better connected and just only did a few. I talked to her on the phone the other day because I had sent an email asking why I was again, for like the 4th time now not getting information, and she was soooo awkward to talk to, wasn't focused, was taking my time on the phone to look at whether my email was included on the distribution (instead of doing that ahead of time). In my mind after that call I knew it was time to go back to the Director. I honestly worried that if her communication/follow up skills are that poor with me, how is that reflected in the classroom? As an aside my nanny is not a fan either. And my girl talks more about her teachers from last year STILL compared to her current ones.
Well, I met w/ the director the other day and came in with a list by date of all that's transpired this year starting back in September w/ the email misses, the lunchroom saga, the lack of communication/follow through on the daily notes, not even calling or sending a note after 3 days my girl was out sick (kind of just makes you feel like a number), and my most recent super-odd call with her while trying to follow up again on the misses.
Frankly, I just dont have time for that crap.  I don't have time to manage my kid's preschool teacher.
I hand it to her that she seemed to listen, was concerned that I suggested we might need to go to another school, was disappointed to hear about the ongoing lack of follow through and communication.  At the end of all of that she offered that we could see how things go after some redirection (not an option for me) OR put her in the other 4 day class OR perhaps the 5 day class (this is what I really wanted). I told her the 5 day was my preference. This is the teacher everyone raved about.....and considering my experience I now maybe know why people camp out to get that teacher. Hindsight 20/20....the lunchroom was a bust, so I probably should have just put her in the 5 day a week class (consistent schedule) from the beginning and have that be that.
Next Steps are she will get back to me by Nov 30 on whether the other 4 or 5 day is an option, and I will let her know what we decide by Dec 15. If we change classes we'll start that after the new year. 
The thing is, I called around to other schools and there isn't much option out there......they are full. One school wasn't even taking waitlists anymore. Sigh.  So, we'll see what she says and go from there.
My girl may be oblivious to all this 'background' noise I'm dealing with i.e. her experience is fine, she seems happy to go every day. BUT, if there's a chance to make it better for me, and maybe better for her....I'm going to fight for it.

ME
I feel like all I do is go to appointments lately.

Sleep--I've done my sleep study and they've determined I snore loudly (gee thanks) and I have mild sleep apnea. I have to go have a second study done where they use the machine to test it (I guess).  Ive got that scheduled for Sunday night.

Eyes--I went back to neurologist because while my eyes are much much better, they are still affected by the blinking (due to bleph.arospasm only diagnosis so far) while driving. No good. So, the option was to do boto.x around the eyes to see if it would help, as that's really the basic course of treatment. I decided to try it. 12 shots around the eyes. Ouch. Had this done a few days ago. They start you at a low dose in case you are sensitive to it and it's usually done every 3 months. I haven't noticed any improvement so either it will take awhile to work, OR the dose too low and will have to wait until next time. Also, he wants me to do a follow up MRI just to be sure nothing else shows up--he's not concerned but since it's been a year, just good to do. So, will go to that tuesday.

Hormones--I saw the endocrinologist a few weeks ago, talked about the major sweating (that's my biggest issue) and it's not just because I'm overweight. This all started after I gave birth to my girl 4 years ago and 25 lbs ago. When I get stressed I profusely sweat and it soaks clothes. They did a massive work up w/ blood study (like 9 vials) and I went in today to get the results....GOOD NEWS....it ALL was normal. Vitamin levels, kidney, thyroid, all of that.  So, the next step is to test corti.sol through a 24 hour urine and some other blood test checks for hormones. That will be in the next few weeks and I see them again after all that done.
Anxiety--my other Dr. adjusted my anxiety medication back down again (to what I was taking several months ago) and wanted to add something. However, in the backing down over the last few weeks I've actually felt much better!! So much so that I haven't added the other Rx. It's is so weird how all of this works.....just in the process of going up and back down, something has changed and I just feel much less anxious.  I'm just going w/ it for now.....we can always add later.

I am just addressing as many things as I can.....who knows all of this may be tied together, maybe not. But after just feeling lost about it, I went to primary a few months ago and she said look, let's address each thing, do a sleep study, go to an endo, and follow up with neuro. I followed instructions and we will see how everything continues to go.

I said no to Alaska job.

Preparing to take myself and my 4 and 2 year old on an airplane to the midwest for Thanksgiving.  I booked this back in July--for a lot of reasons.  Last Thanksgiving was rough--my sister had her skin surgery, and overall it was really stressful and kind of a downer. I really want my children to know their cousins (well, second cousins).....but ever since I mentioned doing this my girl has gotten so darn excited. She wants to go through all their names, their ages, etc.....over and over.
The flight is direct, 2.5 hours, and now I just need to finalize the planning/logistics. Do I take my car to the airport or get taxi, do I rent carseats or ship ours, etc.?? I decided to rent a car when get there because my aunt and uncle (my mom's only brother) live about 45 minutes from airport. As long as I can remember we ALWAYS went to Uncle Phil's for Thanksgiving. Even when my mom started getting pretty sick we still flew up there.  After she passed in 2008 I just couldn't bear to go, then went back in 2012 after my girl was born.....and now they get to meet my son.  It's great because there are a ton of kids. My uncle had 4 children and each of them had 3, 2, 2, and 5 kids.  A lot of them are aged 2-13.  I think it will be so fun for my kids to get to know and play with their blood relatives for a change!
I'm looking forward to it, even though it may not be easy.  It's important to me so gosh darn it, we are going to do it!! And have fun!!  And it's so great because my brother decided he will go.  He will finally meet his nephew too.  I haven't been able to talk my sister into going--she's only a 4.5 hour drive--she says she doesn't want to be social. I am still working on her.

US
Family pictures.....here are a few that were taken in October. I really really like how they turned out. The session fee was $250ish and that was for a 20 minute session at the park about an hour away and you got 10 jpegs, well actually 20....10 color and the same 10 in black and white. I think it was the perfect this for us. This photographer was recommended by my coworker who found her by looking for newborn photographers.

About me

I had been moving along here not too bad, or so I thought. Things have been tough over the last few months--poor sleep, kids on and off sick/not sleeping--having to manage the remodel at the rental--worrying about what to do about Alaska job--tweaking medications--thought I was handling it all ok.
But, I think over last few days I'm realizing I haven't been managing well enough at all. I'm really kind of limping right now and today, I wanted to just stay in bed or just go somewhere where I can just focus on me and my health.
I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What started this discovery interestingly enough was a conversation with my boss, well a few of them. I've learned that our group will be changing/reorganizing first quarter next year. No idea what that means for me personally yet but it brought back the feeling of job instability that creates a lot of anxiety for me. In addition, weve had  a couple of uncomfortable conversations where he thought I was thinking one thing but I was thinking something completely different.  It was surprising, but hes very hard to read so I don't really know where I stand with him other than I thought at a good place. It seems we don't communicate as well as I thought.
That's trickled into my worry about Alaska. I gave it my best to research as much as possible but found out last week the job would require 25% travel. That's one week every month away from my children. That became a deal breaker for me.
So I just sent him a note last night. He responded with--ok thanks. Not much to go off of here.

I've been spinning a little in this work stuff  recently and started thinking through, gosh am I doing anything that could have him misunderstanding? whether this does or not, I thought about work time. He's always been you do what you have to to get job done. Over the past few months I realized that I am coming in later and later. The main reason for that is trying to rest enough so my anxiety/depression doesn't get worse. Over the years I've learned that a main trigger for rough times is sleep problems--not enough, not quality, etc. and it doesn't take much for me to start feeling overwhelmed.
As an aside, I am getting a sleep study because a few people now say I sound terrible when sleep like something's wrong, super loud snoring, etc. suspect if I have apnea that is REALLY contributing to my current issues.

The thing is, I know that's what is going on, but HE doesn't. I haven't disclosed to our work nurse that I have a medical issue. It's funny that for some reason Ive just not felt comfortable bringing into workplace over the years. It's kind of ridiculous. I have a legitimate medical issue that flares and impacts my ability to function. Why am I withholding that info?
I answered that myself today in that I really think I can do it all. All the time. Sick or not, sleep or not, meds changing or not, whatever else or not.
Why do I put that much pressure on myself?

And now I worry that if I bring it up now (I don't have to tell him my exact condition of course) that he will think I'm using it as an excuse and should have maybe shared sooner. I learned recently that while he may not say anything, he is always thinking something.

I called in sick yesterday and half a day today because of feeling so stressed, overwhelmed, and  disengaged. I've burned through all but 3 days of my vacation because normally when I've felt this way I just use half days of vacation so I can sleep more.

In summary I think my approach to managing my depression/anxiety and fatigue isn't working. I've bandaided the problem by taking the vacation time to sleep but I never really felt better. I've started going into work later and later. I'm seriously limping along feeling so tired all the time, feeling stressed, eating poorly, feeling worse, sleeping worse because of caffeine to try and get energy.
Terrible cycle I've been in upon reflection.

So, that's why I decided to get a sleep study. And I did decide to call the work nurse today to just get her opinion on what I should do. I didn't name my condition with her either. Just what I'm trying to deal with. Her advice was to put my cards on table with boss. I think that's about all I can do at this point. So, I set up a meeting with him next week since he is out this week.
I see my psychiatrist on Friday--since clearly our tweaks haven't worked. Also my eye issue has been acting up (diagnosed only as blep.aro.spasm) and the tinni.tus (ear ringing) so I'm going back to neurologist and try the bo.tox injections recommended to treat eyes and see if he suggests doing anything further. Last year when we talked he said lumbar puncture would be next step for testing for autoimmune and I just don't know if I'm ready for that.

In a way the work stuff has contributed to things seeming to be worse but I do think that extra bit of pressure made me actually stop and reflect for a minute. I need to change something. I'm really just limping.
And I'm going to try my best.
That's all I can do.