Hard Decision

I've been thinking A LOT about my children's guardianship lately. Maybe because I ordered a suze or.man life documents kit online because I felt like it was time to update all of my legal docs. I currently have everything in place, but the one thing that I've struggled with is where I think the best place for my children would be if something were to happen to me.  I'm obviously hoping for the best and we don't ever have to worry about it because I'll be an awesome grandma someday, but I am adamant that I owe it to these kids to make sure they are taken care of to the best of my ability.  I learned all too well what happens when my mom passed how people's not so nice sides come up, and fast.

Currently, my children would go live w/ one of my very best friends and his husband.  I really really trust him and he's been a good friend in my life.  The thing that is hard for me to accept, though, is that in that situation, they would not have a mother.  I've expressed my concern to both of them and they've tried to say that no matter what, they would be there and accept the responsibility and do the best that they could....and I know that is true. BUT, there's a part of me that worries about that a lot. It's just something they can't provide.  The other thing is, they both are very well-travelled, travel a lot, and indulge in a great lifestyle...kid free. They take the crying and whining and early bedtimes in small doses (just like I did before I had kids).....They really don't know what it's like to parent, how self-less you have to be...but would do it because they love us.  How would children living w/ them impact their life, could they adjust, how would that be? Would they be resentful that children turned their life upside down?

The crux of my issue is that I have a really limited circle of people I would even consider, and within that, most I would cross off the list for one reason or another.  For example, I've written before about how my sister who I stay in touch w/ is not the right answer. It just isn't....and I know she isn't too happy about that, but it's how it is.  Another strong consideration was our old nanny Amy. I KNOW she loves and adores my kids and they her too. She is the MOST involved in our lives out of anyone we know (she really is like family) and just cares so much about us.  Seems like that would be a good alternative, right?? Well......her extended family (that live close by her) are not that nice. In fact, I would call one of her sisters bat shit crazy--and she actually agrees--and I don't want my children near the crazy. I even told Amy that I considered her but because her sisters are crazy, it just wasn't right for me.
Now, after my girl was born I did reach out to my Wisconsin cousin who I'm not super close with, but they did a great job raising their 3 kids and are empty nesters--not sure she's 50 yet. I asked them to be my back-up guardians in case something happened to my good friend as primary guardian. They said yes back then.

Ideally I would like a two parent, mentally stable, healthy, have parented before, mother included duo that would love my kids unconditionally and raise them well.  Sounds great, but my circle isn't that big and no situation meets all of those criteria. I've been struggling w/ the fact that this is not an easy answer for me and for some reason that makes me sad. Maybe a little grieving about how I would 'want things to be' if I had my way.

SO, in thinking through the people in our lives, my thought is.....maybe I change the primary guardian to my Wisconsin cousin--they meet most of the criteria above. But since we aren't super close how would they bond with my children?....I could just leave it as is, knowing that I'm really worried about them not having a mother should something happen to me.  I could take a chance on one of my single girl friends that I've known for years, but they don't have children yet, or even most of them have a significant other? And I'm not super close w/ most of them i..e they aren't in my children's lives as much as I would hope.

I feel like there is not an answer that I am at peace w/ yet in thinking through it today. Over time things may change and an answer may become clearer....but a big part of me wants to make sure all handled now. After I did the documents four years ago, I felt such a relief and peace that everything was taken care of.  just don't know on this one.  Oh, and if you happen to know me in real life (not sure anyone I know reads this) but if you do....please keep private.

I don't know if others struggle about these things, but I suspect they do.