The waiting.....

Well, I still haven't figured out since my last post exactly what my next step is regarding guardianship so I haven't made any decision. I did reach out to my cousin and we had a really good, long conversation. She said that her husband said sure, why not right away and she said she wanted more information. When we talked she said that she would want to know much more about what I would want for the kids i.e. college choices, cars, dating, money, careers, etc....And from the perspective of a parent who is closer to raising older kids than I am, those types of things she JUST went through w/ her children (her last one is a sophomore in college). And to be honest, I hadn't thought about them at all. I think what I was more focusing on is--I really would want unconditional love for my children like I give them. The problem is you can't force or make that up. It's there or not.
What it made me think through, also, is that while she is my 'blood' relative, she doesn't know me, know me. We are cousins that saw each other once or twice a year my whole life. Her sister is the one that is 3 weeks older than I am and we talk on the phone probably every month and have for years.....my issue there is she already has 5 kids aged 2-13 and her husband is really hard to get to know (and I've seen a temper that is not cool).  It is really really bothersome to me that not one person I know lines up in all the areas that are important to me.  I think what I have to do is a gut check on what are the 'most' important areas to me and go from there.....

We've spent the last week sick....I was at home 3 days this last week with fever, headache, junky cough, etc.., but not to think I was resting, OH no....I was working and plugged in most of the time. Certainly the farthest from relaxing. Lots is going on at work and I just wanted/needed to keep up. In addition, we will hear in two weeks what the 'decision' is about our individual status. Will our job move to new city? Will we be asked to move with it? Do we want to go? any option to stay and for how long? This whole thing has been weighing heavily on me and causes some stress and anxiety. I kinda want to just say boss, you know already what you are going to do....spill it and let's get on w/ it. The biggest issue I have is I need to stay at this company until my 401k, etc.. vests. That is not until April of 2018....so I will do what I have to to make that happen. I don't think it's wise to make any moves until I get the cards i've been dealt.

So, the kids have been sick this whole past week....fevers, my son croup and gross runny nose, my girl respiratory junky cough--it's been going on for more than a week so while I stayed home sick nanny took the kids on Friday. Not seeing infection of ears, etc.. thankfully so we keep on doing until we get better.

It made for a really really aggravating day with my son (mostly) today. To start with we are all tired and haven't slept well. He's into hitting now. When he's mad, he swats. At least it's on your leg or arm, unlike my girl who slapped faces (SO not okay). He's also into just doing the exact. opposite. of. what. I ask. Like hey son, keep walking (since it's raining and there's goose poop on the sidewalk). So what does he do? Just kneels down on the sidewalk. Why? who knows. Then I tell him no, hold his hand and start walking. He does the hanging trick now where I hold his hand and he just won't put his feet down. Hangs from one arm.......Do you know how MAD this makes me? He simply is completely ignoring what I'm asking him to do. This was at the library this morning.
Before we even went to the library my girl woke up so excited that's what we were going to do....after breakfast it was somehow meltdown city. She didn't want to go, yelling at her brother, crying, going to calm down in her room, being very short/smart with me.

I think what REALLY makes me mad about how the kids act with me is I know this is totally NOT what they do for the nanny. Not even close.  I can not figure out what I do different other than I'm mom. We have house rules now, calm downs, etc....but it truly is they just let it all out for me......and normally when I've worked and had a break, I can manage much better, But after being sick all week myself, I just had no patience today. That's what it is....I'm out of patience.  At least when I yelled I apologized to my son, especially, since most of it was directed at him-- and told him mama was sorry for yelling and I would do better tomorrow.

I'm in the process of selling one of my rental homes. I had to do a lot of work to it after last tenant skipped out early on the lease (he had a large dog that did some damage) and the rental market is just so soft. No really good explanation. It stayed on the market for 3 months and I said heck w/ it......the only reason I originally kept it was I would maybe move back in when I moved back to this city. When I drive through the neighborhood, I just feel a sense of peace like aaaaaah, I'm home.  I lived in that neighborhood 2 times and 8 years now and that house is where I brought my girl home to.  It's down the road and on the same street where my mom passed away in my first house in that neighborhood.  I'm kinda sad to see it go.
But since coming back w/ kids closer to school age the burbs was a better choice. I just couldn't see moving back into it mostly because the education options are so limited. The school situation is awful i.e. the public schools around there, no way. They'd have to test talented and gifted and MAYBE be selected in a lottery to a different school we weren't zoned to.....and after elementary most go to the burbs or private school.
Contract is ready to go, closing in a few weeks. Sigh........

Spring Break is next week....I still haven't figured out what I'm doing yet. My nanny is off the whole week w/ paid leave. I didn't ask my sister to come like I did last year. Our old nanny isn't able to come at all that week. So, my default was I was just going to take vacation all next week and hang out w/ the kids. But, part of me want to take a trip out of town to see our old nanny/and friends over there so it gives us lots to do. I'm just not sure I'm up for a 5 hour drive w/ a 4 and 2 year old and we all are still sick/starting to recover......
May get a wild hair and just do it!