Suburbs

Nothing like going to a suburban bbq to make you feel like a single parent. I know I am one, but feeeling like it....yes, that's a different story.  

This past week our neighbor mom sent me a text and asked if we'd like to join them on saturday for a bbq. Sure thing....our girls are the same age, they seem really nice, so why not? I was a little hesitant because it started at 5:30pm. By that time both kids are fed and we are winding down to bath at 6pm.  I figured it shouldn't be that big of deal, we'll stay until 6:15 maybe. Earlier that day I went to the grocery store to bring some things to share....I said I'd bring veggies and dessert so I brought cucumber/carrots/watermelon/kid-size drumsticks, and an apple pie. Perhaps a little overboard. Didn't quite seem like it at the store, but as I was getting our bags ready to go over there I had two grocery bags in addition to the stroller, our backpack of stuff, extra outfits, bottles to be sure, etc.So. Much. Stuff. Just to get ready to walk out the door put me in a sweat.  Babygirl was in her swimgear because they were going to have a babypool out. Thankfully we could walk over...not right in our circle but close enough. 

So I thought it was just going to be them (mom, dad, 3 year old and 16 month old)....I shlep over there w/ my shorts/t-shirt, no make up, hairy legs, sweat rag resting on my shirt considering it is still about 90+ degrees.Well, as soon as we roll up an older gentleman introduces himself--it was the husbands parents. Then a little while later two more couples show up w their children. It was a full on party. And there I was about as frumpy as can be--had I known I would have showed up a little more presentable.

Cue feeling the single parent-dom.....when you have two children, and both are mobile.....good luck. My son wants to crawl a lot now...and frankly it was so hot that when he sat w/ me we stuck together. There was only grass and a hard patio....no real place to put him down so he could chew on some toys..he eats grass now. Had I known I would have brought at least a picnic blanket.  My girl jumped in the babypool which was great....but I was watching her, holding him, or trying to hold him, standing up the entire time....and S..W..E..A..T..I..N..G.  The mom w/ the 2 girls was walking around, pretty relaxed....and she is pregnant w/ her third...I couldn't figure out how she could be so chill.  Well, it took me 2.5 seconds after watching her and her husband that it became super clear....they tag-team.  He will watch the girls while she is inside cooking.....she'll come out and he'll set up the grill, she goes inside for more food and he'll walk over to the babypool. It was like a dance.  Not to mention his parents were there so they had a bunch of eyes and arms for the kids.

I don't really know them well enough for me to hand over my kids so there I was trying to do it all myself.  It was kind of crazy being around so many people and feeling somewhat alone. Now. I have to say the mom made me a plate of dinner while I was out watching my two, which was so nice. Just someone making me a plate of food made me feel like I could breathe for two seconds--while everyone else was relaxing in their patio chairs.

It was hard.  I tried to tell myself to relax, but honestly my stress level kept rising because dinner was getting later and later...my girl eats around 5-5:30...don't think we ate until 6:30, my son was starting to melt down because we normally have bath done and he's about to go into his crib at 6:45pm. The table was all hanging out eating dinner and I felt it would be rude to go right when everyone was eating, so I made do and threw some food down while holding my twisting, crying, sticky, and oh so tired boy.

In general I think the kids did wonderful for being totally off schedule and out in this heat. My girl really enjoyed the pool, no major meltdowns, and I found out she loves corn on the cob. My son did pretty well up until the end so I'm thankful they were just fine. Me, I felt exhausted, so hot like I'd never cool down, stressed out, and ready to just lie on the sofa in the coolness and vegetate. As much as I could, anyway, since our a/c is having problems and it doesn't seem to get below 80. Guy coming tomorrow to take a look.

It sounds like I had the worst time ever, which wasn't true.....I did get to talk a bit to some of the people and share some mom stuff.  It was just hard and a struggle at times w/ both by myself, I felt pretty darn single.

Perhaps it was just an emotional weekend. I just felt lonely....and that felt sad.  I miss not having friends around to just pop in and say hi...hang out w/ me and the kids. I have some friends here but they are pretty busy w/ their own lives and this a big city...not super-close distance-wise to most of them. The one I am close to distance wise, her kids are older and I usually go her way, not the other way around. Lot harder to do w/ two little ones. In a way it feels like starting over....even though I've lived here before I've never lived in the suburbs and we didn't come back to a nest waiting for us.  Finding new friends and social circles is just not easy...it takes emotional energy and time. I just wish we could find our niche faster.

I am proud of myself for being open to meeting the neighbors and going to their party. 

At least going to a bbq is a way to start......

It's happened....

My son is officially on the move.  He pulled himself to a stand for the first time yesterday on the bathtub.  He did the same thing tonight.....wobbly legs and all.
Then when I put him down after his bath he started to crawl and fell face first on the tile and now has a nice grout mark on his forehead.  Poor baby. Maybe he should stick to pulling himself up.

Someone had a birthday!!

My baby girl is 3. 3!!!!!

We had a nice little party at my friend's house.....no need to rent bouncy houses, go to chuck.e.chee.se's yet...no little friends to entertain. So we got to still do it mama-style: low-key, pizza, cake, and swimming in friend's backyard.  My girl had a great time as did most people, I think. I sweat most of it because I found myself constantly keeping my eyes on both of them, making sure they were ok, etc. I had even asked our babysitter to come so I would have dedicated help for my boy so I could focus on my girl and our friends. After a few hours babysitter took my son back home so he could nap and the rest of us opened more presents, then just a few of us went swimming. The pool was refreshing!

She looked cute as a button. I asked her what her favorite part about her birthday party was.....she said very quickly, CAKE!

I got her a bike for her birthday but the funny thing is, it is still in the garage not yet given to her. Why? Well, it's too dang hot to ride it and I wasn't sure on the size. I didn't want to get her all excited about it only to not be able to ride it. So, she had so many presents to open from our far away friends sending things in the mail and at the party, I just decided to hold on it. She will get it soon.

Latest thing she's been wondering about?: After bath the other night..."Mommy, will I go down drain?".
This kid's imagination.

We finally moved into our house the weekend before, so needless to say it's been a busy several weeks. Not to mention the triple digit temperatures. It's funny, everyone keeps asking me, so, do you feel better now that you are in the house?  The short answer is no.  Why? Because there are so many things still not done. We still don't have a stove cooktop, doorknobs, trim in several places, etc. We are here, but it isn't finished....and not yet like home. Boxes lined up in the front room. Contractor is set to do the punch list over next couple of weeks...It's an entire page long.

What I love about the house--the indoor colors I chose. My girl's room is a nice, soft lavender, my son's is a boy's blue, and mine is a soft greenish blueish grayish color. And the kitchen is a spicy red-orange color! No worries, the rest of the house is a calm beige color.My master bathroom is amazing. The custom vanity made by the carpenter is a great piece of work.
What I've been disappointed about: the floors. After all the agony on the stain, I have found that they scratch up way too easily. Beautiful, but not super functional. I've also learned I won't put hardwood in a kitchen again. That floor takes the most abuse and already there is a 3 ft scratch. The roof. I ended up choosing a dark/charcoal color rather than the standard grey that is everywhere. We put up three colors and none of them seemed to go w/ the brick color. Well....let's just say the black against the brick is...wow....dark. So, we changed the trim once because it clashed w/ the black roof....and now I think the trim is too dark too, so I may just buck up and pay to have it done again. I've been obsessing over trim color, no other way to put it.....and the new fridge is the noisiest thing ever.

I think when the list is done, boxes are put away, we have a table that fits in the kitchen, I can park in the garage again, etc.. I will feel a bit more settled. When we first spent the night over here the house felt so BIG compared to the apartment. I was worried I wouldn't hear the kids crying out at night. No worries, I can hear just fine :)

My son...he just turned 10 months old. And this kid is on the move!!!!!  He just started crawling for real. Like arms/legs all coordinated, moving across the floor crawling. I noticed he likes to pull himself up on his knees....the crib has teeth marks all along it now. He's got his two lower, one upper left and the upper right has finally poked through. Several rough nights and days w/ the teething. I just don't want him to lose his baby fat. I love it.  He finally got in for his 9 month appointment at over 10 months (had to switch Dr.'s offices since our first one wouldn't get him in until he was 11 months old--for his 9 month appointment)
....he weighs...24 1/2 pounds! My big boy.

See my tooth?!

I am proud of myself....last week one of our neighbors stopped by and said she had a 3 year old and a 16 month old. I was so happy to hear that. They don't live in our little circle, but close enough. So today we didn't have anything to do this afternoon so I walked w/ my girl and my son just to say HI and give them our number. She invited us in--I felt kind of bad because it was during their afternoon rest time, but we stayed just for 20 minutes maybe. Guess what? her husband and I work at the same company. Such a small world. She said she was expecting again....so she'll have her hands full. It was nice, though, because she used to work before kids, had both of them through IVF, and is 36. We have some things in common. And both our girls are TALL for their ages.  Was just nice talking to another mom--she went through the same thoughts about a bike for her girl and ended up getting her the bigger one too. I felt validated!
So, we'll see how it goes....maybe have some play dates, etc..

And, our nanny.....well I mentioned that no situation is perfect, and this has panned out to be true.  She's been with us a few months now and the hurdle we have is that my girl has not bonded to her much at all. As an example, some mornings my girl would rather watch her phone by herself than be out w/ the nanny.  The nanny is very firm and very structured, which I know is a different style than my girl is used to. I am just not sure what to do about it right now. It may just take more time.....the thing is, the nanny is super bonded w/ my son. She has said before she loves babies, etc..which I can tell. She has also said she hasn't watched a girl like mine before....very precocious, energetic, smart, and challenging. I think it makes her uncomfortable.
Some things are bothering me, some little, some not. When I come home I ask about the day, she says how perfect my son was and most of the time she says my girl had a good day.  I think it's mama bear coming out in me because I don't want my girl thinking her brother is perfect, and she's not.  Yes, I could tell her to not use that word, but I have found that she's also pretty resistant to feedback. As an example, I was trying to tell her that I didn't want my girl to eat pizza for lunch several times a week at the mall, but that going to the mall for exercise when it's this hot was still good. Well....I didn't get too much out when she snapped that they just wouldn't go to the mall then.  Ok, that's not what I was saying.  Sigh. I had to text her later what I was trying to tell her i.e. take some food and make a picnic there, go earlier so home by lunch time, etc.. but still go.
Funny enough our new weekend babysitter has turned out to be very connected to both kids. My daughter will easily allow me to stay in my room when she is here and not cry, try to get in my room, etc..and I can leave w/out much fuss. She is very energetic and does a lot of things w/ the kids....today I slept in and came out to see they were in the backyard in the babypools having a great time! I've not so gently asked her about whether she's thought of full time, etc. but she is wanting to build work history/money to buy a house and needs to stay where she is at until next year. I told her if anytime her situation changed to let me know.

I've said before, you can pay someone to take care of your kids, but you can't pay to bond them.

It's been super busy all the way around. I'm trying to make the last final push w/ the house and not lose my mind. I've been pretty whipped lately and just today I was feeling more tired than I have in awhile. It's understandable given all that's going on. I just keep telling myself soon....soon it will calm down :)

Young Mind

I am regularly amazed at what runs through my girl's mind...

BABYGIRL: You go work?
ME: Yes
BABYGIRL: What you do at work?
ME: I work on the computer and talk to people.
BABYGIRL: I like people.
ME: Me too.

What 2 3/4 year old wonders what their mama does at work? Maybe this is normal but it just took me by surprise that she's thinking about this and can articulate it.

BABYGIRL: I got teef. You got teef?
ME: Yes, I have big ones.
BABYGIRL: Where come from?
ME: Where do your teeth come from?
BABYGIRL: Yes.
ME: They grow from your gums.
BABYGIRL: Ok.

Again, this kid wonders about so many things and asks so many questions. She still asks a lot of why? why? and I still try to answer her.

I have to report...I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  We were having such stressful times during bath. Just crying and screaming and whining and splashing and just UGH!.  So, I decided after reading a bit more about SWC, strong willed children.....I tried to incorporate some tips I learned...like giving choices frequently. Much more to write on this topic, but these kids need to feel like their voice is important. So, I started asking her....okay, it's time to get your hair wet, do you want to get it wet on this side of the tub, or that one? Believe it or not, it works (mostly)! She picks a side and then doesn't throw a fit when we need to get her hair wet.  The other thing I've done is I tell her she can earn a treat for after bath....and if she has no fussies, tantrums, listens to mama, etc.. she can have whatever she chooses.  Now, I've had to modify this because I tell her she can "earn" her treat. Well, if she does have a fussy or no listening I had to figure a way to let her do that, but still keep her on track. So, I figured out a plan that is....her treat is 3. 3 scoops, 3 pieces of candy, 3 whatever.  I then take one scoop away if she misbehaves. It's hilarious because she caught onto this really quickly....shortly after starting this new thing this week, if she misbehaves she looks right at me and says, "how many?" i.e. how many do I have left.  Isn't that great?! I haven't had to take 3 of anything away and she's taken to this really well. Part of me worries about using treats as a way to help her behave better during bath, but honestly our bath time is so much more pleasant and we even had FUN last night....we both laughed at the funny noises she was making when I rubbed my hand over her face when I cleaning it....it really was so nice. So, I'm sticking w/it for now.


We are getting ready to move next weekend. I was scheduled to move today, but I just couldn't see making it happen. There are so many things needing to be done at the house and frankly, I just wasn't ready.

So much to do still.

And I can't write w/out mentioning my son.....this big boy can SIT UP BY HIMSELF! now. Oh my little guy. My squishy mushy lovey guy....I went into his room this morning after he started to fuss and I usually just feel around because we have black out shades in there. I started to touch the mattress, then found him, and my hand kept moving up, and up, and up.....he was sitting up that turkey!  Next item on the list....move the crib mattress down. His nanny today found him holding on to the side rails and she got so nervous and said I needed move it down tonight. Can't find the little tool to take bed apart, so will have to do that tomorrow.
Don't get me started on our 'new' pediatrician's office. He is 9 months old so I called to get his 9 month check up. They said they could book us for September. Uh, what?? It's July. By Sept he'd be 11 months old.  She said this is their busy season and they book 4-6 weeks out. How in the heck was I supposed to know that. So, I tried to negotiate w/ her that I was new, etc. and she wouldn't budge. So I asked to speak to a nurse. Nurse said he's not due vaccinations so we could wait...earliest she could find was now August 31st. Seriously. What good does a 9 month appointment do when he's almost a year old!!
We will be finding a new pediatrician's office asap...I can't see staying with a group that is this inflexible. But, I still need to try again to get him in there for this appointment because it takes so long as a new patient to get 'established' elsewhere. Who knew it would be like this....in the suburbs.

Well Look-ey here....

It won't be long now.  He did this for the first time yesterday, and my first pic of it today.

I can not get enough of those squishy wishy legs....!

First Word(s)

A highlight....my son said his first two words.  The nanny had been practice talking w/ him, but I still was completely amazed when he looked right at me on and said GA-GA. I said it back to him, and he said it again!!  It was intentional, so I am calling it.
Now we "talk".  GA-GA's back and forth. And big smiles.

He also said MA-MA....maybe more unintentional, but I still clearly heard it several times.

There is nothing better than a baby voice saying MA-MA.......ahhhhhhhhh.

P.S Yesterday had to be a fluke w/ my girl because we had one of the most wonderful days today. Very few fussies, tantrums, sassiness, etc.. We spent a ton of quality time together and I got soooo many snuggles and "I just wuv you mommy".....now THAT's a way to end a weekend.

It's been one of those days

I have to say this is the toughest day I've had in quite a while w/ my girl.  I have no idea what happened or why it turned out so crummy. Maybe just a change in routine....we had a new 'old' babysitter come that used to babysit my girl before we moved. It was when she was 17 months old when we saw her last. She is soooo good w/ kids and I have no worries about leaving her with them.

Anyway, babysitter came at 8am, babygirl was just fine. Talking, showing her the blocks, etc.. She was doing so well that I said I was going to nap--and no fussing or crying. Amazing.  I took a nap, ran some errands then came back around 1pm.

Cue downhill......it quickly turned from here.  My son was napping so I said why don't we get out the big paper and jumbo crayons and draw some pictures on the floor. I got an enthusiastic YES!  Once we were down coloring she starts smashing the crayons on the paper. I tried to ignore, then redirect her to the alphabet we were doing....she then starts trying to chew the paper. Chew the paper!  Of course I said no, we aren't going to chew the paper. I told her twice...then on the third time I said nope, we are done. She starts wailing, but I held firm.

But, after that....just forget it. It went downhill from then on until the rest of the day, pretty much.  I just didn't know how to handle her behavior....it was all the attention-seeking stuff like kicking me, trying to hit me, spitting, throwing things, yelling NO to everything I asked....here's what I tried to do:
--stay calm. I asked her what was the matter, what was wrong?
--I start asking direct questions: Are you hungry? No.  Are you thirsty? No. Do you feel ok?. Then, can I get you a snack? Do you want X, Y, Z? No, No, No.
--Then I tried redirection....okay, baby do you want to do playdo?No......do you want to do aqua..do.odle?No.
---Interrupt for a kicking fit. I move her legs out of the way and she kicks harder. I said we do not kick mommy. She then raises her hand like she is going to hit me.....this is where my frustration starts kicking in. This is sooo not okay. When I said we do not hit mommy, she stares me straight in the face and hits herself on the arm.
--After awhile more of this, I tried just removing myself from the room.  I just thought okay, I am starting to get worked up here, so go in my room for a few minutes. She spent the entire time wailing, yelling mommay...all while her brother still trying to take a nap.
--I tried removing HER....at one point I took her into my room and let her be in there by herself. Didn't help to calm her down.
--More negative behavior, repeat several steps above. Absolutely nothing I was doing was working.
--I then start to yell. Get really short w/ her.
--I threaten.
--Not proud of my behavior what-so-ever. I totally lost my cool. I usually go red when she does something to hurt me, intentionally.
--Eventually I cried.  This might be one of the first times I've cried out of frustration with her (at least that I can immediately remember). Here we were playing 'tent' underneath my bed covers, she's snuggled close to me, and the tears just rolled.
--I apologized to her and said I was sorry I got frustrated. Mama just didn't know what to do for her. Mama got upset because she was doing things like hitting and kicking and throwing things. She said it was ok, it was an accident.  HA....that's what I tell her when she does something by accident and says she's sorry...like spilling milk. I say, it's okay, you don't have to say you're sorry...it was an accident.
--When her brother woke up I said okay, let's try distract again and I blew up an airmattress that she likes to use as a slide. That worked okay until I wanted to go to the other room. That just wound her up again cue the meltdown, I want you in here, "Now".....
--I said forget it, let's get out of the house, maybe that will help....let's go to the pool. Get slathered w/ sunscreen, haul us all over there and I made the mistake of allowing her to bring her tiny scooter that she's really too big to ride, but she likes it.  Anyway she wanted to bring IT in the pool. I figured who cares, go ahead.....but she realized it didn't float and it was hard to push in in the water....wailed about that.  She calmed down here and there, but spent a lot of time saying, "no, let me go"...."no..."
When it was time to get out I had already gotten baby boy ready, picked up our stuff.....she was still in the water and I said okay, time to go....she says "No, NEVER!".  I said we don't say things like that, it was time to go. "No, NEVER!" again. And loudly. Talk about feeling like a parenting failure.  My almost 3 year old backtalking me like it was totally ok. I ended up just starting to walk and she quickly scampered behind, getting back on her scooter.
Then it gets to be near dinner time, says she wants mac/cheese....then no, just noodles., etc.. Ended up making eggs and she did pretty well eating them.

Here's where I feel worse......

--After dinner we were in my son's room, she was jumping on the bed, she wanted to play catch, etc.. so fine. She was starting to get sassy w/ me again and it just slipped out but I said, "boy I can't wait until you go to bed, you have been nasty to me all day".  She stops jumping for a sec, looks at me and says,

"Mommy, you be patient to me?"

POW.  I literally just stopped and just sat there.  The answer of course was no, I hadn't been at all.
I responded and said "yes baby, you are right. I need to be more patient with you".

By this time I frankly was exhausted. I was tired, frustrated, and upset at myself for losing my cool throughout the day. I honestly yelled more and lost my temper more today, I think, then in all my parenting days.

Bathtime was a cry-fest with both of them. My son doesn't like to be taken out of the tub and screams mostly until I get his jammies on. My girl didn't want her hair washed, her bubbles to go down the drain..."My bubbles! No, my bubbles!". Cried because of putting her jammies on. " Not my jammes!"...NO!, I don wan my hair combed...Nooooo......crawls under the bed while trying to get her diaper on.

I finally get my son his bottle, he's in bed. My girl finished her milk and she's in bed.
And now I am typing out this summary of our pretty rough day.

I just don't know what happened. Maybe the change in routine? Maybe she was just tired and I was tired too? Maybe she's starting to get sick?  I knew she wanted my 1:1 attention and I was trying dang hard to give it to her. It seemed she was aiming for it whether positive or negative.
Right before typing this note I researched online 'backtalking' because that's what I have the most trouble with. When she fires a NO quickly after being asked anything....or her HEY!.....that pushes my buttons. Her trying to hit, kick, etc...of course that does too.  I don't know. I know there are no easy answers in parenting, every kid is different...yadda yadda....I really don't want to be one of 'those' parents that don't discipline....or discipline too much. I know she is a very intuitive child and she clearly knows how far she can push mama.  I read an article earlier about what to do when your pre-schooler 'backtalks'. I felt good in that some of the things I do already....and some I thought was ridiculous advice...but then I read all the comments and felt comforted in a way, because I'm not the only one. There are many many other kids out there where parents struggle w/ how to manage.

All I can do is chalk it up to a frustrating day and hope tomorrow is better.