I almost just want to go to sleep so I can wake up and have the darn ultrasound tomorrow morning. I've thought about it every day, multiple times a day. And that's not even counting all of the other baby things I think about every day.
Good news is my bank sent the new sample and the lab confirmed they received it today. However, about half an hour ago I got a call from my Dr.'s office. I thought it was the insurance lady, but it was my IUI coordinator. At first my thoughts were racing because she said, "I'm calling about your appointment tomorrow". I was thinking OMG is she gonna cancel it, what's wrong?......but she asked if I could come in an hour earlier.
Of course!
So, now heading in at 8:15am, and if all looks good will do IUI Sun and Mon.
Is anyone out there reading this? I really enjoy writing it, and I actually go back and reread blog entries to see what was going on, what I was thinking. I know some of my friends are reading. I am really happy to hear from anyone about advice, those going through, those w/ support.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Bank Mishap
I am scheduled to have the first insemination this coming Sunday if all goes well with the ultrasound on Saturday. Monday of this week I decided I better get on the ball and order early, in case there is a problem. I called my Doctor's lab today to see if they got the shipment (was supposed to be there yesterday). She said no. In my mind I'm thinking WHAT do you MEAN NO?!
So I asked what happened.
She said she wasn't sure but there was a problem w/ the shipping. WHAT?! My mind starts spinning thinking about the fact that I've been waiting so long (it seems long in my mind) for this, I am all ready , all medicated up....this isn't how it was supposed to go. I said I better call the bank and find out what happened.
A guy at the bank answered and said apparently there were problems w/ the shipping labels and the shipping company had to send it back to the bank. Supposedly the bank was going to ship new today, and should be in my Dr's office tomorrow.
Had I not called early to get the shipment ahead of schedule, I would have missed this first round of IUI since they don't do overnight shipping for weekend delivery. Man o man.
Going to call the lab tomorrow to make sure it arrived. Now let's just hope it makes it and that they have the right donor # in there.
So I asked what happened.
She said she wasn't sure but there was a problem w/ the shipping. WHAT?! My mind starts spinning thinking about the fact that I've been waiting so long (it seems long in my mind) for this, I am all ready , all medicated up....this isn't how it was supposed to go. I said I better call the bank and find out what happened.
A guy at the bank answered and said apparently there were problems w/ the shipping labels and the shipping company had to send it back to the bank. Supposedly the bank was going to ship new today, and should be in my Dr's office tomorrow.
Had I not called early to get the shipment ahead of schedule, I would have missed this first round of IUI since they don't do overnight shipping for weekend delivery. Man o man.
Going to call the lab tomorrow to make sure it arrived. Now let's just hope it makes it and that they have the right donor # in there.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Style Network Special
I watched the episode on the Style Network last night....it was quite interesting, but also brought up a few anxieties I have about going the donor route and being a SMC.
For the donor route, this guy was aware of at least 74 offspring. 74!!!!! I have no idea what bank he went to, but he donated for 3 years. That's one of the things I have to just let go when I think about my donor i.e. he donated at a few banks, not just one. So, w/ offspring limits not really limiting, he could have sooo MANY....oy. It's just hard for me to put myself in the shoes of having so many half siblings. And the possibility of never knowing 100% who they all are? I grew up w/ 2 sisters and a brother. That was finite. There were no others, and I knew that....but that won't be the case for my child. Part of me feels a bit selfish...I really want this baby, but at the expense of a traditional family unit for him/her. Is that fair? My family might not have been perfect, but I KNEW them, 100% all of them.
The other anxiety is about becoming SMC and then something happens to me and I leave my child w/out an immediate family. One of the teenagers in the episode was born to a SMC. Then when she was 5, her mother got cancer and passed away when she was 7. W/ no mom, no Dad, and no siblings, she got adopted w/ a Cousin family. THEN, that mother passed away. Tragic.
I understand that nothing in life is certain...heck, if that were the case I'd be married by now w/ my family. But I am not. AND, I just can't see myself settling w/ someone. Can't do it....well, have no desire to.
At least I know the father and hope to build some sort of working connection w/ him and child. That's what I have to go on.
In other news I feel "pressure" I'd say in my ovaries...left one especially. I wish I had my own ultrasound or microscope/device to peek in and see what's goin on in there. Is it working? Will I have grown a cyst, which is not good? How many follicles? I know Saturday will come soon enough, but SHEESH. Hurry up and Wait!
For the donor route, this guy was aware of at least 74 offspring. 74!!!!! I have no idea what bank he went to, but he donated for 3 years. That's one of the things I have to just let go when I think about my donor i.e. he donated at a few banks, not just one. So, w/ offspring limits not really limiting, he could have sooo MANY....oy. It's just hard for me to put myself in the shoes of having so many half siblings. And the possibility of never knowing 100% who they all are? I grew up w/ 2 sisters and a brother. That was finite. There were no others, and I knew that....but that won't be the case for my child. Part of me feels a bit selfish...I really want this baby, but at the expense of a traditional family unit for him/her. Is that fair? My family might not have been perfect, but I KNEW them, 100% all of them.
The other anxiety is about becoming SMC and then something happens to me and I leave my child w/out an immediate family. One of the teenagers in the episode was born to a SMC. Then when she was 5, her mother got cancer and passed away when she was 7. W/ no mom, no Dad, and no siblings, she got adopted w/ a Cousin family. THEN, that mother passed away. Tragic.
I understand that nothing in life is certain...heck, if that were the case I'd be married by now w/ my family. But I am not. AND, I just can't see myself settling w/ someone. Can't do it....well, have no desire to.
At least I know the father and hope to build some sort of working connection w/ him and child. That's what I have to go on.
In other news I feel "pressure" I'd say in my ovaries...left one especially. I wish I had my own ultrasound or microscope/device to peek in and see what's goin on in there. Is it working? Will I have grown a cyst, which is not good? How many follicles? I know Saturday will come soon enough, but SHEESH. Hurry up and Wait!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Day 5 of Letrozole and 1 Order of Baby Makers!!
Today was my day 5 of 5 for the Letrozole. It has not been hard to take at all....no major symptoms! Part of me is wondering if it worked because I don't, and haven't felt much different? I won't really know until Saturday when I have the ultrasound, so I'll keep fingers crossed.
In other news.....dum dum dum.......dum dum dum.........I ORDERED MY BABY MAKERS!!
Background: I actually struggled with using a sperm bank when I initially started to move forward w this baby idea. I kept thinking about the options and I was really leaning towards a known donor. For those of you new to this journey, there are really 3 options for donor: anonymous--you and your child will not know identity, an open-ID donor--where when your child turns 18 they can get the contact information, or known donor--where someone you personally know donates.
I ruled out anonymous right away. I couldn't in my heart have a child who would never know their biological roots. I didn't want my child growing up always wondering, maybe having a void in their hearts, looking around thinking, "is that my dad"? "Where did my curly hair and eyes come from"?
Then there was open-id. That was a better option, for me, because I felt like at least there will be an opportunity to know that person. But where I kept getting stuck is, what if that person dies before my child is 18? That means that neither of us would ever meet the biological father in person. I just couldn't wrap my arms around that either.
So, the next and only real option I wanted was known donor. I had been working on one of my local guy friends for a long time. He kept saying no, but I would still push. Finally I asked him outright if he really meant No. And yes, he meant No. So, had to let that go. In the end unfortunately, or fortunately, none of my good male friends said Yes. But, this was so important to me because I wanted to know the donor AND, didn't want to worry about the bazillion half siblings there could be. However, there is a downside to known donor in that your doctor's office typically will want the donor to be tested, etc (which can be very costly)..AND take 6 months. I really didn't want to wait that long anyway.
Stuck......
Another issue I have w/ sperm banks is you have absolutely no control over how many offspring are created.....since no mandate/laws requiring people to report births. Sure, some banks say that they have guidelines of 25 families per donor, but how can they really be for sure? The statistics I read for those that actually do report births are quite low. That is why they now have TV Specials about donors that have 74 offspring. Yup, tomorrow on Style network they are showing a story about it. I just can't imagine that.
So......I got creative through networking and found someone that had donated to a bank in the past, but I know in person. Kind of made my own hybrid........and the situation couldn't be working better for me. I do trust my gut instincts. Something in my heart was at peace about it and it just feels right.
I am giving up my preference of no half siblings, and the conscious thought that there may be a large number of half siblings I/my child will never know about......but if it's this option, or no option....I choose this.
So, I ordered him today from a small, no-name bank. Before this came up, I looked into the big ones like California Cryobank, Fairfax, Xytex, Sperm Bank of California etc.. but with no middle ground of being able to meet before 18, it just didn't feel right to me.
He should arrive at my Doctor's office on Wednesday.
And the coolest part about today???????? I actually got EXCITED! The minute I put the phone down I had some excitement course through me. I haven't felt that for a long time, and I am not one to be excitable. I also haven't let myself get too far ahead in this process for fear it could be a long one.
All of this makes me feel like I am really going down a good path.
In other news.....dum dum dum.......dum dum dum.........I ORDERED MY BABY MAKERS!!
Background: I actually struggled with using a sperm bank when I initially started to move forward w this baby idea. I kept thinking about the options and I was really leaning towards a known donor. For those of you new to this journey, there are really 3 options for donor: anonymous--you and your child will not know identity, an open-ID donor--where when your child turns 18 they can get the contact information, or known donor--where someone you personally know donates.
I ruled out anonymous right away. I couldn't in my heart have a child who would never know their biological roots. I didn't want my child growing up always wondering, maybe having a void in their hearts, looking around thinking, "is that my dad"? "Where did my curly hair and eyes come from"?
Then there was open-id. That was a better option, for me, because I felt like at least there will be an opportunity to know that person. But where I kept getting stuck is, what if that person dies before my child is 18? That means that neither of us would ever meet the biological father in person. I just couldn't wrap my arms around that either.
So, the next and only real option I wanted was known donor. I had been working on one of my local guy friends for a long time. He kept saying no, but I would still push. Finally I asked him outright if he really meant No. And yes, he meant No. So, had to let that go. In the end unfortunately, or fortunately, none of my good male friends said Yes. But, this was so important to me because I wanted to know the donor AND, didn't want to worry about the bazillion half siblings there could be. However, there is a downside to known donor in that your doctor's office typically will want the donor to be tested, etc (which can be very costly)..AND take 6 months. I really didn't want to wait that long anyway.
Stuck......
Another issue I have w/ sperm banks is you have absolutely no control over how many offspring are created.....since no mandate/laws requiring people to report births. Sure, some banks say that they have guidelines of 25 families per donor, but how can they really be for sure? The statistics I read for those that actually do report births are quite low. That is why they now have TV Specials about donors that have 74 offspring. Yup, tomorrow on Style network they are showing a story about it. I just can't imagine that.
So......I got creative through networking and found someone that had donated to a bank in the past, but I know in person. Kind of made my own hybrid........and the situation couldn't be working better for me. I do trust my gut instincts. Something in my heart was at peace about it and it just feels right.
I am giving up my preference of no half siblings, and the conscious thought that there may be a large number of half siblings I/my child will never know about......but if it's this option, or no option....I choose this.
So, I ordered him today from a small, no-name bank. Before this came up, I looked into the big ones like California Cryobank, Fairfax, Xytex, Sperm Bank of California etc.. but with no middle ground of being able to meet before 18, it just didn't feel right to me.
He should arrive at my Doctor's office on Wednesday.
And the coolest part about today???????? I actually got EXCITED! The minute I put the phone down I had some excitement course through me. I haven't felt that for a long time, and I am not one to be excitable. I also haven't let myself get too far ahead in this process for fear it could be a long one.
All of this makes me feel like I am really going down a good path.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Day 2 of Letrozole
Yesterday I took Day 1 of 5 days of the Letrozole. I honestly didn't feel much of anything, thinking that'd be great if it stays that way. Today I'd say I feel 'something' in my ovaries, but not sure best how to describe....kind of a "fullness" a "pressure", but no pain at all. I'm just imagining the Rx talking to my ovaries...Grow baby grow!
Interesting, though, when I read the pill bottle from the pharmacy it says not to take if you are trying to become pregnant or are pregnant. What? I googled it online and it says there are a variety of uses...one obviously is fertility, but another is used to treat post-menopausal women with breast cancers. If I think about it too hard I start worrying about the drugs in my body and what it might be doing that it wasn't designed to do. Can't focus on that.
Also, I am very proud of myself. I've started to get back into working out regularly. I didn't want to work out last night so I said to myself...Self, you can work out tonight OR you have to get up tomorrow morning before work and do it. And those who know me realize how much of a sacrifice that is for me. BUT, I did it!! I got up at 7, went to the complex treadmill, then went to work. Yipppee. Now, I am NOT saying this will be a frequent pattern considering I loathe getting up early. I am just happy that I fulfilled my commitment to myself and didn't slack.
I was talking to my sister last night and she said that I could be pregnant next weekend. And I actually stopped and thought about it. Of course I know that's the case, but I haven't really let it sink in. I guess I've convinced myself that based on other people's experiences it is very unlikely the first one will take, so not really expecting a BFP--Big fat positive. It COULD happen, though. Will be interesting to see how my body reacts to the meds i.e. I have another ultrasound scheduled next Saturday, and if they find the right size/# of follicles, they will have me do the trigger shot at 9:30pm that night. Then next two days will be the inseminations. Pretty cool.
P.S. Tomorrow I am going w/ a friend to do a PCOS Awareness walk. It is 5k, I believe. I am not in much shape for a 3+ mile walk, but doing it w/ a friend makes it so much better :)
Interesting, though, when I read the pill bottle from the pharmacy it says not to take if you are trying to become pregnant or are pregnant. What? I googled it online and it says there are a variety of uses...one obviously is fertility, but another is used to treat post-menopausal women with breast cancers. If I think about it too hard I start worrying about the drugs in my body and what it might be doing that it wasn't designed to do. Can't focus on that.
Also, I am very proud of myself. I've started to get back into working out regularly. I didn't want to work out last night so I said to myself...Self, you can work out tonight OR you have to get up tomorrow morning before work and do it. And those who know me realize how much of a sacrifice that is for me. BUT, I did it!! I got up at 7, went to the complex treadmill, then went to work. Yipppee. Now, I am NOT saying this will be a frequent pattern considering I loathe getting up early. I am just happy that I fulfilled my commitment to myself and didn't slack.
I was talking to my sister last night and she said that I could be pregnant next weekend. And I actually stopped and thought about it. Of course I know that's the case, but I haven't really let it sink in. I guess I've convinced myself that based on other people's experiences it is very unlikely the first one will take, so not really expecting a BFP--Big fat positive. It COULD happen, though. Will be interesting to see how my body reacts to the meds i.e. I have another ultrasound scheduled next Saturday, and if they find the right size/# of follicles, they will have me do the trigger shot at 9:30pm that night. Then next two days will be the inseminations. Pretty cool.
P.S. Tomorrow I am going w/ a friend to do a PCOS Awareness walk. It is 5k, I believe. I am not in much shape for a 3+ mile walk, but doing it w/ a friend makes it so much better :)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Whew!
What a busy last few days. I drove over to old home Sunday night, movers packed up all day Monday, drove back here Tuesday, apartment rental furniture people came to pick up today, and movers coming to drop off some stuff from old home tomorrow. Whew! I have to say that moving is not fun, and it slaps you in the face sometimes that you have to do it all by yourself, you know?
The thing that came out of moving is I've had one of those 'moments'. For those of you that have struggled w/ weight, there is sometimes something that just clicks, and you say ENOUGH~! I can't STAND IT! And I need to do something different!! That clicked for me these past few days. I thought I'd just be watching the movers and telling them what to do, not being too active...well, that is part of the case, but the other bit is running around bending over hundreds of times to check drawers, picking up torn pieces of ball size paper thrown as cat toys...and they disappear. Well I found a bazillion underneath the couch. AND, dusting, and sweeping, and just cleaning.
What made me have a 'moment' is that I realized how out of shape I was. I was sweating bullets all day long and I wasn't even working out. I was out of breath--mostly due to wheezing because of the dust, but still. Also, when I was sitting, I just felt uncomfortable. That is NO FUN! I have just had it!
So, today I planned out my meals and decided what I wanted to eat, ate it, and went to the gym at my complex. And wouldn't ya know, I feel better? There are no shockers here, and nothing I am doing now is magic. We all know what needs to happen i.e. eat right, exercise. Period. But I am one of those lucky folks who stress eat. I haven't always been this way....I used to be a scrawny kid, my mom used to call me 'skinny minnie'. I was athletic, in a bunch of sports, and never really had a weight problem. It wasn't until grad school 10 years ago that I started to gain some weight. But, shortly after I started working in corporate world I joined weight watchers with a friend and the weight came off. I was 45lbs lighter then. Then my mom's sickness really came to the forefront (2006), and I used food to soothe. I've continued that pattern of behavior. The funny thing is, when I was w/ my mom I consciously knew what I was doing and said, if this is my only vice, I'll take it. Eventually when I decide to, the weight will come off.
That's where the surprise has set in...it hasn't. Maybe because I am older now at 36, but I honestly thought that as soon as I set my mind to it, the weight would just come off like before. No such luck. Lots of reasons and some excuses got in the way. My only answer now is take it day by day. Make the best choices I can and stay active. That's probably the biggest thing I've let slide over last 6 months since starting my new job. Haven't gotten back into regular working out. The funniest thing about all of this is, I still think of myself as an athlete. I may not look like one, but I still feel like one. Strange.
Oh yah, tomorrow is my first day of 5 for the medication.
The thing that came out of moving is I've had one of those 'moments'. For those of you that have struggled w/ weight, there is sometimes something that just clicks, and you say ENOUGH~! I can't STAND IT! And I need to do something different!! That clicked for me these past few days. I thought I'd just be watching the movers and telling them what to do, not being too active...well, that is part of the case, but the other bit is running around bending over hundreds of times to check drawers, picking up torn pieces of ball size paper thrown as cat toys...and they disappear. Well I found a bazillion underneath the couch. AND, dusting, and sweeping, and just cleaning.
What made me have a 'moment' is that I realized how out of shape I was. I was sweating bullets all day long and I wasn't even working out. I was out of breath--mostly due to wheezing because of the dust, but still. Also, when I was sitting, I just felt uncomfortable. That is NO FUN! I have just had it!
So, today I planned out my meals and decided what I wanted to eat, ate it, and went to the gym at my complex. And wouldn't ya know, I feel better? There are no shockers here, and nothing I am doing now is magic. We all know what needs to happen i.e. eat right, exercise. Period. But I am one of those lucky folks who stress eat. I haven't always been this way....I used to be a scrawny kid, my mom used to call me 'skinny minnie'. I was athletic, in a bunch of sports, and never really had a weight problem. It wasn't until grad school 10 years ago that I started to gain some weight. But, shortly after I started working in corporate world I joined weight watchers with a friend and the weight came off. I was 45lbs lighter then. Then my mom's sickness really came to the forefront (2006), and I used food to soothe. I've continued that pattern of behavior. The funny thing is, when I was w/ my mom I consciously knew what I was doing and said, if this is my only vice, I'll take it. Eventually when I decide to, the weight will come off.
That's where the surprise has set in...it hasn't. Maybe because I am older now at 36, but I honestly thought that as soon as I set my mind to it, the weight would just come off like before. No such luck. Lots of reasons and some excuses got in the way. My only answer now is take it day by day. Make the best choices I can and stay active. That's probably the biggest thing I've let slide over last 6 months since starting my new job. Haven't gotten back into regular working out. The funniest thing about all of this is, I still think of myself as an athlete. I may not look like one, but I still feel like one. Strange.
Oh yah, tomorrow is my first day of 5 for the medication.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Baby Glasses
I didn't realize how starting on this motherhood path would paint a picture over most everything that I think and do. I've got baby glasses on now. What I mean is, when I am walking through a store I sort of find my way over by the baby section--I don't usually go in it--I just look. When I am driving in my car I look in other cars to see if they have kids in them. When I am on the internet I can't get enough of my SMC blogs and reading to see if they are feeling like I am feeling. It kind of gets in your psyche and takes over!!
I know that my personality can be 'one track mind' when I am on to something. Like buying a house, decorating, or renovating....I am all in 110% and can't stop. It's almost obsessive, but I like it somehow. This baby thing is becoming much like that where I think about it multiple times a day. And I am starting to say, if it were me and baby, what would I do?
I finally made it over to my old house, in fact sitting on the bed where I was a little over a year ago not sure where my life would take me. I was unemployed at the time and really just being. Not worried about much, so happy I quit my job, working out, and just enjoying myself. Anyway, as soon as I stepped in the house today (which I still love) I thought "wow, what a perfect layout for a toddler to get on a trike and ride in a circle around the dining, living, and kitchen". Who thinks that way!
I do....cuz I've got on baby glasses.
I know that my personality can be 'one track mind' when I am on to something. Like buying a house, decorating, or renovating....I am all in 110% and can't stop. It's almost obsessive, but I like it somehow. This baby thing is becoming much like that where I think about it multiple times a day. And I am starting to say, if it were me and baby, what would I do?
I finally made it over to my old house, in fact sitting on the bed where I was a little over a year ago not sure where my life would take me. I was unemployed at the time and really just being. Not worried about much, so happy I quit my job, working out, and just enjoying myself. Anyway, as soon as I stepped in the house today (which I still love) I thought "wow, what a perfect layout for a toddler to get on a trike and ride in a circle around the dining, living, and kitchen". Who thinks that way!
I do....cuz I've got on baby glasses.
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