Families

Ever since the kids were little I've always talked about our family in terms of we have a mom, brother, sister, and we don't have a Dad. Early on I would tell them that many families are unique and some have no mom, some have two dads, etc.. to let them know that families are built in all kinds of ways. I would say that not all families have Dads and that because I wanted a family, I chose to have a man friend help me (because children are made from a man and woman), and the Doctor helped me. It was the simplest way I could describe it when they were younger. That seemed to suffice to help them understand that it's ok our family is different and answer why we didn't have a Dad.

Of course as the kids got older the questions started coming like, "Why don't we have a Dad?" I've gone into more detail about the fact that I didn't find the right man that I wanted to marry but I still wanted children, so I decided to have them on my own. As they've matured they've also asked more in depth questions like, "Why didn't you find the right man?" and I've always told them the truth that I didn't find one I liked enough to get married and have a family. I've shared that I always thought I would get married, didn't plan to not get married, and would have liked to--and still would consider it with the right person (of course prenup involved). But, I've told them that I didn't want to just settle on someone that wasn't right for me. I've made that very clear. They've also asked questions like, "Where does he live?" and I've told them., "What does he look like?"  which I've showed them all the pictures I have of when he was young up through adult. I've told them details like how tall he is, that he likes soccer. I've told my girl that she looks just like him, that's where her gorgeous curly hair comes from. I'm very open about any and all questions they have. My girl has even asked if she can meet him and I've said yes, when she gets older if she's wanting to we could have that conversation. My son hasn't expressed at all anything about meeting him, but maybe he will when he gets older.

My girl used to say that she wished we had a Dad so he could take brother out and play sports with him, etc. and keep him busy. Basically her way of saying she wanted individual time with mom and didn't want to share me as much. When she brings this up I say yes it would be nice to have two parents and I can understand why would feel that way i.e. validated her feelings. But, over time I've also tried to help them realize that not all Dads are like the cartoon Bluey. Some Dads don't like sports, some just watch a lot of TV (like mine did), and some aren't even involved in their kids' lives and not all Dads are great. I think they for sure have rose colored glasses on that if you have a Dad they are amazing. As an adult of course I know better, but they don't. My son has also said over the years he wishes he had a Dad. It's not often, but when he expresses it I have found that the best way to respond is to tell him yes, I understand how you feel and that I feel that way too sometimes. I say that there are some things that would be easier with two parents, for sure.

It started to get a little complicated because at school of course a lot of kids have Dads. My girl would tell me everyone in her classes had Dads except her (which I'm sure wasn't true) but that's the way she felt. I also remember a year or so ago my son telling me that a school friend asked him about his Dad and he said he told the boy he didn't have a Dad--because that's how we've described our family ever since the kids were little. The kid told him everyone has a Dad. My son insisted to the boy he did not.  So when he told me this story I had to try and explain the difference between Father and Dad.  That yes, everyone does have a father because children are made by parts of a man and parts of a woman. In order to create a child you do need both. However, that doesn't always mean that the Father is part of the family.  When a father is part of the family he is a Dad.  In essence, everyone always has a Father, but not everyone has a Dad that lives in their family.  That's not an easy concept to understand for younger kids.  I decided to try and make it more clear that everyone has a biological father, and for my son, that person is a friend of moms. However, he is not part of our family and is not a Dad.  So, after that discussion we would talk and say that yes, you do have a Father because everyone does, but we do not have a Dad in our family. I think the concept is more understood now that the kids are a bit older.

I've specifically used the word Friend instead of donor because that's actually the way I see it. We met before the kids, he's known to me, and we've stayed in contact over the years via email. It's been a few years now, but whenever I have reached out he's always responded.  The other thing I've thought about is when the kids were younger, I told everyone our story when they asked....that I didn't meet the right person, decided to have on my own through IVF, etc. and that's how our family was built. Over time, I've found myself being a bit more closed and careful about what I share with who. I think as the kids got older I felt a bit more protective and feeling like it isn't anyone's business unless I decide to share. In fact, in my son's group of friends I've only said that I am single and he's not had a Dad in his life. That's it. I'm sure they wonder because I'm a single stay at home mom....so that adds another element of, uh, how can she do that, where does she get money? But no one has outright asked me more in depth questions about the kid's lack of Dad. So, I've not shared. That's likely the way I'll be going forward. In fact, no one in my girl's group of friends have asked anything at all. It is kind of interesting, though, because in fact, all of my kids' current friends have two parent households with Dads.

As far as I'm aware, when my kids have told other kids we don't have a Dad, they kind of accept it and move on. Unless of course the random conversation about how everyone has a Dad. My kids have never said anyone has said anything hurtful or negative about our family structure....until now.

This week when my son and I were driving home from his allergy appointment he proceeds to tell me about a conversation he and Ata had at school that day. He said that one of his teachers was out and a sub was there. She was a younger sub and apparently told the class that she may know some of the student's older brothers or sisters. I guess Ata shared that maybe the sub would know his (half) brother or sister and my son said to him that she probably doesn't. (Something to this effect). And Ata then turns to my son and said, "Well you don't even know what your Dad looks like!".

Gut punch.

Of course technically that's not true, but I asked my son how did that make him feel and what did he say? He told me he thought that it was really offensive and he was really offended by what he said. I absolutely agreed with him and told him it was totally inappropriate to say something like that and I'm sorry that happened. I said that I would probably reach out to Ata's mom and my son was totally on board with that. In fact, he asked me a few times that evening if I had done so. I reached out to his mom via text and asked her if we could chat the next morning. She texted she was on a plane but would like to text about it. Clearly not the kind of topic to text about so I said no worries, we would talk soon.  She texted me right away the next day and asked to chat. To her credit, she started off by saying she had talked to her son that morning and I guess got the gist of what the conversation was about. She said she was so sorry that Ata said that to my son and she really was at a loss for words. She knows our family is unique and that we don't have a Dad. She provided some context to Ata's reaction and said that apparently there is some family drama and Ata hasn't seen his half brother who lives in Turkey in about 3 years--which she said she didn't know was hurtful or bothering her son as much as it was. It seems my son's surprise that he had not seen his brother hit a nerve with him and he lashed out. She explained that she of course told him that when you are hurt, hurting others is not the way to handle it. She said Ata felt very sad about hurting my son and was going to apologize the next day. I stayed very calm and said I know the boys will get through this and I appreciated her conversation. I reiterated that I hoped she would talk further to Ata about the fact that not all families are the same and she said of course she would. I think she handled it well (as did I) and I could tell she was very embarrassed about the situation.

Last night I asked my son about whether Ata came to him at school yesterday and he said yes, he did come and apologize. I asked him what he said in response and he told me that he told Ata , "That's just not going to cut it". I was surprised by his reaction but told him son, you absolutely can feel how you feel about the situation and if you aren't ready to accept his apology, that was fine. He said he wasn't ready.

Of course kids do and say mean things sometimes but I wasn't prepared for a 9 year old kid to hit so below the belt. That was just a cruel thing to say and I felt a mixture of being so angry and just sad that because my son's family is different...through no fault of his.....a kid used that against him to be so ugly. 

The good news is, my son is very resilient. He's a smart, very sweet, (sometimes stubborn and persistent) sensitive old soul that is very empathetic to other's feelings. He's got a wide vocabulary which he uses to describe what he thinks and how he feels.  I know he will be fine and will continue to be friends with Ata, but it doesn't mean he will forget about this situation.  It really did affect him.

In the comments I'd be interested to hear anyone else's experiences about lack of Dad, how it's discussed in your family, etc.

First 9+ weeks of School

I started writing the following post over a week ago. I got the crud and would feel better, then not...then rally, then be on the couch. It's lasted about 2 weeks, then emotionally it was rough for the last week...and I'm still not 100%. Likely it was the flu or covid but I didn't go to the Dr. for testing- Truth be told I just didn't want to know.

I'm sitting here freshly showered and in the rocking chair--only because it's the only thing I feel like I can accomplish today (other than writing an overdue post). I got the crud starting Monday...itchy/sore throat, then that tickle in the chest, then the congestion. Today is day five and I think I'm on the upswing. I did get my flu shot a few weeks ago, so likely not that. The kids were doing fine w/ sickness for the first 3 weeks of school finally breaking the 'sick during first week' curse. My daughter was the first to get it, then really hasn't been well since.  It's strange how it works in our family....my daughter gets an illness and she's sick with it (and/or other things) for about a month+, my son gets sick for just a few days and then he's fine, and when I get sick I reaaaally get sick. On to more exciting news....

So much has happened in the first 9 weeks of school.....

My girl:

--first week of Middle school--we are a few months in now, so her first few days already seem like far distance. When I think back about it there were just a lot of nerves for her. She talked me into driving her to school because she was so worried the bus would be late. In fact, as we were driving over on her first day she got so worked up she had tears in her eyes...the poor kid. I wanted to just scoop her up, rock her, and take away her tears. When we got to where I needed to drop her off I pumped her up the best I could...she's got this! she's brave and I'm so proud of her!  The first week and a half was a bunch of butterflies and jitters every morning on the way to school before she started to settle in a bit and feel more comfortable with everything. This was a big jump from elementary with a new really big school (to us) and the transition was not easy.

--first dance August 18th Luau. School started on a Wednesday and at the end of that first week Friday they had a middle school Luau dance. She completely surprised me by saying she wanted to go. I thought with the noise, crowded-ness, and chaos it would not be fun for her. But, a whole group of her friend girls went (about 8 of them) and she even 'dressed up' by wearing her skort and top. I took her and her friend Selina and the neighbor Teddy. I dropped off and Selina's mom picked up. When my girl came through the door after 8pm she exclaimed, "This was the best night of my life!"....I was just thrilled for her that she went, danced with her friends (didn't know she would like that), and ate candy (absolutely knew she would like that). So excited by how happy she was when she came home. Apparently boys don't dance with the girls at this age which is totally fine with me.

--first theatre production: application, essay, interview, selection. This has been a game changer for my girl. She has such a passion for theatre I'm again surprised by how much she is loving it. She's told me for the last year she wanted to do theatre for her fine arts elective and wanted to do stage crew. She's definitely not on the acting side, but she may surprise me in the future. On her own she made sure to get the application for the first production of the year and within it, she had to write an essay as to why she should be selected. Then, she had to interview with the drama teacher, and then results were posted. She came home so excited because she wanted props and was that's what she was selected for. I was very impressed with her determination at only 11 to go after what she wanted and actually get it!!~  VERY proud moment. I'm also proud to say she's been doing a fantastic job--the theatre teacher told me when my girl was sick during rehearsal she'd totally miss her because she's her go-getter! I knew I had a boss lady on my hands.

--First book she devoured--my girl has always been drawn to graphic novels ever since she started reading. She just loves the pictures/animation. I've encourage her to read more chapter books and that hasn't really landed, but I keep trying. Also, I've encouraged her to read before bed as I think it's a good wind down. We've evolved from me sitting in the rocker with two littles on my laps reading board books (with bites out of them because my girl always seemed to chew on them) to my kids reading books to themselves with their own lights, in their own beds...and me in the living room. Anyway, I used to read a lot as a kid and read every night as well....and sometimes I would get engrossed in a book and couldn't put it down. I saw that happen to my girl for the first time.....she picked a young adult book at her school library called Real--it's about a nonverbal autistic girl and her brain works differently--she then gets enrolled in a public junior high. It's the first time ever I saw her nose in a book every time I saw her. She was absolutely sucked in and it filled me up! I feel like given the subject she probably related to some of the thoughts and feelings of the character in the book and I was so delighted to see her enjoy reading that much. She's continued to check out books about kids with differences and I hope it helps her in some sort of way. She has a hard time talking about her feelings.

--first time tried to work on homework ended in tears for end of 1st 6 week exams

--sleepover with Emma--loved it, Sept 1

My son: 

--Soccer season is going super well....they are now 4-1-1, tied for second. Their team name is White Wolves because they were assigned white jerseys. (White for soccer?Who decided this) My son actually scored a goal on a free kick and it was so exciting.! So much so that I jumped up out of my chair screaming! He also normally only plays defense, but two weeks ago they put him in on offense and he scored a goal in 30 seconds. It is so much fun for me to watch him play sports...I truly enjoy it.

--Since the beginning of the season, my son has had issues with his heels. He kept limping and saying how bad it was hurting. I thought he'd just get better, but after about 6 weeks I decided to take him to the ortho doctor on Sept 8. Sure enough, he does have an issue with his growth plate...it's irritated and the only thing that will help is stretching and rest. We are going to try and get through this season, then see how it goes.

--A bit of a funny...we've been watching a vet show on TV and have seen some really interesting/graphic scenes.  My son was in the bathroom and pipes up that pooping is like giving birth to a goat!

--Our furniture is really falling apart. Like really...the sofa has holes in it, stuffing coming out of it....the faux leather coming off to where we are still finding black flecks of fabric all over the house.  I know that I tend to tie emotions to things like clothes...I just haven't been able to get rid of the kids' clothes from when they were little.  As it turns out, I think my son has the same thing. I decided it was just time to put the sofa on the curb. I was starting to move it when my son ran into his room, flung himself on the bed, and started crying. I was so surprised that I went into see what was wrong.....he said he was sad and didn't want to get rid of the couch.  I had not idea he'd have such a reaction to getting rid of the couch. Seems like we both have emotions tied to things....must be genetic ;)

--Not even sure what this was about, but I had taken a note about it. I said to my son, "Ok, What's the plan Stan?.....apparently he did not like that so he says, "First of all, my name's not Stan. Second of all, let's play yahtzee". That must have been back when he was obsessed playing yahtzee....he goes in phases. We are back to Uno now.

--My son actually asked if I could go to school meet him for lunch Sept 12. Parents can sign up and it seems I'm still cool enough to come see him at school. Yay.

--My son' is going to be a big kid--he had his 9 year well-visit and he's in the 85th percentile height 4 ft 7", 93rd percentile for weight  85.8 lbs youth medium size 8-10. Doctor looked up expected height and she said likely around 6'. I think he'll be taller but we will see. This year's birthday party was soccer themed 'Messi'.

Me: 

--Back on August 25 I had a consult to start personal training at a specialized facility that just does that. I decided that perhaps if I start moving more, the rest will fall into place more. I started with 3x week at first, then went to twice a week strength training and once a week cardio.  It was a huge commitment because it was extremely expensive (in my opinion) a few thousand dollars for 25 sessions. They only do personal training and it's at this strip mall of a place rather than a full gym. I was hopeful that since this is all they do they will be more personal i.e. get into the nuts and bolts about motivation, figure out what stumbling blocks you have, etc. and it hasn't really panned out that way. They are more of a walk you through exercise, just like ones at the Y do. I fell off the wagon with it for the last 3 weeks due to being sick and emotionally struggling, but I plan to go back tomorrow and start back up. I will finish out all of my sessions but I haven't found it worth the cost to continue further.  I really need to figure out how to focus on losing some of this weight. I tried no.om the online program before the personal training sessions, then got frustrated because it was a lot of effort (constantly thinking about food and calories all day long) for not much outcome. Not sure my next plan. Keep trying.

--frustrations with weight loss and lack thereof and just not having energy/motivation to do things. I thought with starting my personal training, getting more active, eating out less, and limiting caffeine I thought I would just feel so much better. And truth be told I don't. It was enough of an experiment to realize that perhaps I am still living with depression and not realizing it again--I have low motivation, I'm sleeping way too much...but I do have a positive out look on life, Im not sad. I talked to my Dr months ago about changing to a new rx and decided not to do it then....i didn't like the idea that you have to take it with food. However, over the last 3 weeks I just feel like it's worth trying. In process of getting insurance approval, then will see.

--On August 29th I went to my daughter's Jr high school--open house. I was able to walk through her schedule and meet all of her teachers, see the classrooms, etc.. I was pleasantly surprised and happy with those that I met. I also realized how much I like being in a school environment. It brings back a lot of good memories for me...I always like school, did well in school, had lots of friends and genuinely enjoyed learning. I was good at it!

--Since school has started I've turned into an uber. Every morning I take my son to the bus stop, then take my daughter to school....then Soccer is 3x a week(I do share carpool with Aarav's mom Neha) and theatre schedule varies (sometimes do carpool with Selina's mom), but this week (week of Oct 23) it's every day of the week until 6pm (pick up after that) and on Saturdays.  As it turns out, I actually DO like the kids having a split schedule in the morning. My son is an early bird so he gets himself going and I still do snack/water bottle. Then we go to the bus while my daughter is just waking up, or lying on the couch resting. Then he and I get to have our own time chatting in the morning so there are no fussies. I come back to my girl and she's now doing baths in the am, so she'll start the bath and I'll wash her hair if needed. It's just her and I. It's just much more peaceful in the morning, even though it makes my morning much longer. My son and I head to the bus at 7:35 then my daughter and I leave at 8:30, I get back home around 9:00. So far it's going fine. In the afternoons, they both take the bus home and my son gets home around 3:50-4:00 and my girl around 4:40. then dinner then stuff....

--My apartment tenant is moving out Oct 31--it's quite a bit of work to turn it over...have to relist (already did and got a new one coming Nov 1 yay!) and have to check for anything that needs fixing, re-key, etc.. make sure lawn taken care of, send all new tenant stuff to them, etc.. Hopefully this one will be low maintenance and pay on time.

--We've had 2 birthday parties...my girl turned 11 and had her first "location" birthday party other than the house. She wanted a roller skating party. So, she invited 9 other kids and we got a table at the rink. You bring your own cake, napkins, etc. and they provide a table, a colored tablecloth, skates, drinks, pizza, etc.. She and her friends truly enjoyed it...also they have a money machine where she got some dollars. Overall it turned out really well, they all got along, my son had his friend Aarav there so he wouldn't bother all the girls. I spent a lot of time sweating--but it was nice to chit chat w/ the other moms and share our angst at all of our girls starting middle school. Lots of others were having the same nerves.

--On Oct 7 evening I was home alone--both kids had something planned in the evening. It doesn't happen often. My girl was invited to her friend Parker's and my son was swimming at James's house and doing s'mores. As much noise as they bring and energy, when they are gone it's just so.......quiet. Like weirdly quiet It always makes me think that I'm going to just blink and my kids are going to be going off to college. I am constantly trying to stay present, enjoy whatever phase we are in. Being a stay at home mom allows me to really dig into life with kids that are still kinda young, young-ish...but on the verge of the next. 

I need to just post this because if I continue to try and catch up, this will sit in my draft folder even longer. I'd like to do better with frequency of posting....sometimes it feels like too much and if something can fall off, it's this. Perhaps that's a reflection of how I'm feeling. 

End of Summer 2023!

Well that was fast....blink and here we are starting school tomorrow, August 16th.  I am actually really proud and happy with how our summer turned out.  I think I scheduled the right amount of camps, mixed in with a flight to the Midwest, and the kids by themselves went to New Orleans for about 10 days. It was the first time all year I had to myself and this year I truly enjoyed it! I went into the city and tried new BBQ restaurants....grocery shopped at 9:00pm just because I could. I remember last year I was a stressed out complete mess when the kids were gone. But this year I worked on staying calm and doing things I really enjoy.

I feel things are a bit surreal, the best way I can describe it. I am on the cusp of having a middle schooler. I will have kids at 2 different schools.  For the last, well, since they were born it was always wondering about those firsts and how they will be. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that my girl is off to Jr. High. My kid is going to Jr. High.  Jr High is from 6th-8th here, and to be fair, if we were back in the Midwest she'd be going to her last year of elementary because there it goes to 6th grade....and there's a part of me that thinks I would feel better if she didn't go to Jr High until 7th.  She's one of the youngest kids in her class and during elementary that didn't seem to matter, but with this new year she was 10 and JUST turned 11....trying to navigate a whole new big school, 8 different classes, new schedule, etc.. All of her friends are turning 12 now which I think helps in the maturity and gaining confidence, etc.  I think Jr High is one of those pivotal, rights of passage that will be the beginning of so many more changes in my child. I'm here to support her every which way I can, but I'm nervous. It's a shift in our family--I have a big kid now. It's a shift in how I parent and communicate and a whole bunch of other things I've got to be ready for. Like when we went to Jr high orientation last week the kids went on their own for 1.5 hours, then parents had session w/ principal for .5 hours, then rejoined w/ the kids at the 2 hr mark. After the session I could tell she was extremely anxious. She was wanting to run out of the building but I wanted to walk her schedule as I had never been in the school before...it was quite stressful because I could see she wanted to know where to go, but at times didn't, then got flustered because she pointed us in the wrong way. It was a lot for her as later we discussed she struggled w/ the extreme loudness of the pep-rally, the chaotic way everyone was moving around to find rooms, and not really knowing the school....it was a lot. We spent time afterwards discussing how we can work through all of this change. It's a lot to handle for an anxious, newly 11 year old. Also, we have a change in navigating 2 different school start times, one at 8:10am and one at 8:55am. I will get ready w/ my son first, take him to the bus, then my daughter to bus. Although the first day of school my girl is worried the bus will be late so she asked if I could drive her. My son actually wanted to take the bus even though parents normally drive and walk their kids to the classroom. It's starting, isn't it? Where mom isn't cool. We went to his meet the teacher Monday night and it was a bit crazy as well with all of the parents and kids going in/out, filling out papers, dropping off supplies, etc..Both of his teachers are experienced, with one new to our school.  The biggest 'surprise' was Caroline is in my son's classroom.  This girl was in his pre-k 4 and they were so cute they'd hold hands together, etc. Like best friends. Then when they got to elementary it was all cute until she got a bit awkward and they had a falling out of sorts. She would literally stare at him and run the other way every time they were around each other.  My son has been teased endlessly from his sister and his friends about this girl...they'd sing the song my son loves Caroline, sitting in a tree kind of stuff. For years. And now she's in his class. I'm trying to help him navigate this by saying ok, if you start to get teased, just stay calm, don't react. If she stares at you, just ignore her.  He wanted to know how he could not turn red, could he control that? Lol. Will see how it goes.....this was the big 'issue' for him above all else. I hope the kids can actually fall asleep tonight!  One thing I was SO happy to hear was my son screamed out several times, 'I'm so excited!'....he never says he's excited, so it was music to my ears.

--Every time I travel back to the midwest I think about moving there. I LOVE how open it feels.....I love how there's not 20 lanes of traffic, there's only 2 or 4 at most. I love seeing endless fields...I love the clean air...I love the moderate temperatures compared to 100+ degrees for weeks on end. Things just move slower there....people drive nicely, hardly any road rage that I saw the whole time...other than my sister tailgating which she gets mad every time I tell her to back up. It's just so much calmer there. In all different ways.  A slower pace of life. I love seeing small towns.......and then I start thinking about the reality of living there....it's cloudy most of the time during winter. There is hardly any diversity. Everyone is white (a bit of an exaggeration). There is no major airport close by where you can fly direct anywhere. There's no Trader Joes, no Apple store within 2 hours...no amazing restaurants on every corner, no major sports teams. Small town living everyone knows everyone...and everyone knows your business. No major industry to make near the salary I could make here. So yeah....it's confusing. I like how I feel when I'm there, but I'm missing my conveniences of city living. What's the priority?

--This one probably deserves it's own post, but it's about my oldest sister. I actually have another older sister that I am estranged from. She lives in the midwest too but the choices she's made, and her kids have made, I have no desire to have that in my life. So, since my mom passed will be 15 years in September, my oldest sister and I have turned toward each other and built a relationship over the years. However,  I'm not sure if I've come out and said it before on this blog but she's an addict. She abuses prescription medication and has for years. We use softer language for it like she 'checks out' when she gets overwhelmed....she takes a few too many of this and that when needed, etc.. but the truth is, she uses it to cope and that is a problem.  We have struggled over the years with our relationship mainly due to her instability with her mental and physical health.  Several years ago she was in a dark place and she was seeing a Dr. that had no problem feeding her addiction and during those years (it was about 5) I could never predict what sister was going to show up. What would she do, how would she behave. In turn, I learned that I could not rely on her to be stable, nor to be the sister that I wanted and needed. And even though we've made a ton of progress over the years, especially the last 2 as she's seeing new Dr.'s and I'm involved w/ them, she still has issues. One of the things we've worked on, and even have had joint counseling sessions on, is communication.  She would sometimes just disappear, not return calls, texts, etc. and finally I said that doesn't work for me anymore. Over time I've put boundaries in place that if I call her, etc. and/or text she needs to respond. Even if it's just a 'K, call you later' kind of thing. It's improved quite a bit, however about a month ago she disappeared. For 2 days. Since we had made progress with communication I just knew something was wrong because she wasn't even reading my texts or calling etc. I debated calling to get a welfare check because I truly thought something terrible had happened. I ended up talking w/ my younger brother and he drove over to her house. He found her passed out on the sofa. She didn't know what day it was. She had no idea 2 days had passed since she was coherent. It was absolutely awful. And with that episode, my hope and all the love, time, and passion I put into helping her business get back to being profitable (I've been working as her office manager part time for over a year now) just felt like for nothing in those moments. My sister is an addict and with that comes a lot of feelings of grief that likely she will never be able to give me what I give her, be my rock and support when needed, be a sounding board, be stable, be reliable.  I'm still working through a lot of emotions with this because it's hard to want something so bad and have it falter over and over again. I don't ever give up hope, but it's hard.

--I now know why I don't do anything w/ social media.  For my own use, I've never had an active FB account where I posted pictures, no instagr, etc. just nothing. I stopped even posting pictures of my kids on this anonymous blog because I just don't like the idea of the endless abyss of the internet where once posted, it's no longer mine. However, every now and then I would look at links to pictures on instag so I do actually have that app. I stumbled on its home page where I can scroll and see all kinds of stuff. On 2 separate occasions now I got sucked into the scroll. Bad. I started looking and there were some clips where I absolutely howled w/ laughter...I spent hours just scrolling through story after story....and then I came upon some tragic ones where for example a mom posted about her young daughter passing away from a freak accident and she was writing posts and putting videos and pictures. I can't tell you how hard I cried reading those posts. At times I was wailing at the words from this poor mother who lost her only daughter. I just couldn't keep going, but I couldn't stop reading. I spent probably an hour looking up what happened to this poor child, reading all the posts her mom had done, and just crying and crying.  This was the second time this happened to me after a scrolling session. And I just won't do it. It's not healthy for me. It's not a great use of my time--either having accounts or scrolling through others. I'll stick w/ old school texting and blog reading......even go so far as group text. But that's about it. And I'm completely ok w/ it.  In addition, it's not just social media but technology in general. When I was in the midwest I consciously decided to not use my phone as much. Not scroll through my tabloids, read goog. news, etc. I basically just checked email and the weather. And you know what?? I truly did feel more calm. I 'unplugged' a bit from the little that I do and it felt good. Good enough to try and do more regularly.

--My eating plan went off the rails. I've learned that I am able to be more focused when I'm by myself in our daily, regular routine. But, if I have an interruption to that, really any interruption, it's a huge challenge for me to refocus.  For example if I have a visitor--lights out. If I have any sickness then recovery--lights out. If I'm stressed--lights out. If my refrigerator gets empty--lights out. I just completely fall apart. I think what's been helpful is that I have learned a lot about what my triggers are and being successful w/ getting healthier has to incorporate how to manage through.  I've also learned that when I'm on a plan that counts calories it is all consuming. I was constantly doing math in my head about do I have enough calories for this or that. I thought about food all day long. I'm not sure that was good for me. My doctor suggested the popular drug that is all in the news, but my insurance doesn't cover it. I think my next step is now that the kids are back in school I'm going to refocus my efforts on getting regular exercise again and start really small. Continuing to focus and try different things is still better than doing nothing.

And we are off to a new school year and all it has to bring!

Summer 2023!

Another school year finished. End of 2nd grade for my son and end of 5th grade for my girl-her last day of elementary has come to a close. The kids got out of school May 25th, with that week being full of end of year parties and the graduation ceremony for my 5th grader soon to be middle schooler--I'm still shuddering. I just am.

The graduation ceremony was actually really well done. It was in the cafeteria/stage with some nice lighting and decoration which said Class of 2030. That is the year my girl will graduate high school. O.M.G. Not even going there.  I sat amongst the crowd and when the program began they started playing Pomp and Circumstance and tears just welled up. I wasn't prepared for that--I didn't realize it would be like a 'real' graduation, I didn't even have tissues. We are in a fairly large school (to me) so there are about 5-6 5th grade classes. The principal gave a speech which a lot of it really resonated with me--she said don't focus on who thinks they are popular, who hit the game winning shot...focus on being kind to people. I like that a lot as being kind was a top 'rule' in our house. She also said kids need to put their phones down and talk to each other--Communicate with speaking....can't agree more. My kids don't have phones and I'll keep it that way as long as humanly possible.

I think through her speech I gained a little more respect for her as a principal. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but what I got from it is that she really does care and she really has a lot of passion for her school. She may be a bit rough around the edges i.e. she told the parents what to do afterwards and then said if they lose their kid it's not her problem (joking, but not really). And the emotion I saw from the teachers as each lead 5th grade teacher gave a speech about their unique class....it was surprising how many of them cried talking about their students. Most of them saying, " I wasn't going to get emotional"....they really really do care. My girl's teacher, this was her first year teaching. I think her tears were because she made it through the year! She said how welcomed and supported she felt. That is nice to hear. 

I think this is also the connection I've been missing with this school. This is the first event I've been to in the cafeteria other than the 5th grade sock hop this year (that I can think of). Not because I haven't shown up, they just haven't had them. I know Covid really messed things up with the school year, then protocols afterwards...we missed out on some of this. But, also the school doesn't do a lot of the things we used to do growing up like having a Christmas program, all the parents come, etc.. They have individual class parties which I've gone to as many as the kids would allow me to, but it's different when it's a whole united group all together. I liked it a lot.

I've already talked to the assistant principal and principal about next year and what can we do better to support my son i.e. challenging. This is something that has been an issue since kinder and I'm just not sure the school is able to flex for kids who need more challenge. They've said a few times they can't teach the next grade up, that's fine....but find ways to keep them engaged and learning just like the other students. They only have the GT class once a week, but the rest of the time it's the regular classroom. If I had my way I would let them do GT for part of the day every day. It's just not set up like that in our school district.  And for my son, school has just not been stellar--Kinder was Covid and 1st and 2nd grade have not been the best for many reasons--crappy teachers and kids . He really needs a year of good--Good teacher. Good class. Good learning.  I also 'asked' (more demanded in a nice way) that he does not have this little girl Bailee in his class next year. Oh this child. She's been in my son's class since Kinder he says and she is to put it nicely a nuisance to him and the class. She's constantly bothering him, wanting to be by him, saying inappropriate things like telling kids in the class about 10 ways to die. What second grader does this? It's clear that she's got some issues and for that I feel sad. However, I feel more for my child's sanity he needs to not be around her anymore.

Now that school is out, we've transitioned to both kids home fulltime and we are trying to figure it all out. I have some camps set up and realized that I needed a few more because the kids just cant' stay home all day with nothing to do. Thankfully right when school got out our neighbors were going on a trip to New Zealand for a few weeks and said we can use their pool. We've used it pretty much every day since school let out. Next week we didn't have anything so I decided to put both of them in 1/2 day basketball camp. They need to stay active, they need some time apart. Both are still kinda getting over sicknesses--my girl did end up having strep and my son is still recovering from virus/congestion. I hope with the break in going to a petri dish every day they will recover and we can just have a break from sickness.

My sister just came for a visit over Memorial Day which was nice....it was really surprising that she fell in love with our dog Hazel. She's never had a dog of her own, only cats. She had her on her lap a lot of the time, took her out, walked her, etc.. and it was so helpful. I feel like if I had another adult around to help with her, it wouldn't be as hard as it's been. I have to admit, I haven't liked it much at all. In fact, it's really affected my mental health. I kind of had an anxiety attack a few weeks ago which I've never had in my life, but didn't realize that's what was happening over those several days.  I was feeling the most miserable I felt in my life. I was so irritable, so unhappy, so mad at the world. Which I'm sad to say spilled into how I was parenting. It has just been building since we got the dog. If anyone has ever had a puppy, perhaps you can relate to the constant need to watch them, walk them, feed them....I really think it's harder than a baby because they are a newborn who is mobile, no diapers, has to get taken outside, bites, and doesn't listen. They call it the puppy blues, and perhaps that's all it is. Everything I read says it gets better....but it's enough for me to rethink whether having this dog is right for me and for our family. I've been torn up about it for the last 2 months. I feel like I've been a worse parent and my stress is affecting my daughter's stress level. If it were up to me, I'd totally forgo having an animal at all. But, now that she's here it's a bit harder decision to make. The kids have of course become attached to her, but still aren't too keen on the taking care of her part. My girl has definitely tried to do more and of course Im appreciative.....but it just feels like having another living thing that I'm ultimately responsible for to take care of has tipped me over the edge--broken my peace, upset our rhythm.  I do have a friend that is interested in taking her.....and I've tested it with the kids i.e. how would you feel if Hazel lived with our friend. We could visit her, etc.. and of course the answer I get is NO, we love her...etc etc etc. But ultimately if I am not as happy, that's a big price to pay to keep her. I'm very torn. Lots of tears on this one.

Sunflower, thank you for your comments on last post. It's nice to know the yes/no's and other kid stuff is not unique to my kids! Also appreciate the support on the weight loss. I've continued to work on it and am now down -9 lbs. I think over time I'll average 1 lb a week, which is very healthy to lose. Ideally it would be 2 lbs, but if it continues to stay or go down, that's the goal.

Next up is just transitioning into summer--taking the break from school, going on a trip to the midwest over the 4th to see my sister. The kids have been begging to fly back there so I decided it would be a good use of our miles and nice to get out of the southern heat. It's going to be exciting because we are going to visit my 4th grade teacher's farm again. I've stayed in touch w/ her over the years and she was a good friend of my mom's too (she's 89 today!) and she still lives on her farm. We will go out there and have a campfire and also collect fireflies...the kids have never done that so can't wait. Then the multitude of camps with vacation bible school, a few basketball camps, GT camp, my son has speech camp. June looks good and full, July is a bit less full....then mid August back to school.

Here's to Summer 2023!!

Age 8

I want to be sure to get at least one post a month. I've been thinking ALL month I know the perfect title for this post. Age 8.  Why is it the perfect title?  Because it literally is the least favorite age of both of my kids so far. Without a doubt.

Of course as my daughter is now 10, this means that it's my son...age 8.  He turned 8 in October and it didn't seem to be much of an issue, not much was different from when he was 7....however, I would say in December when he got his orthotic exapander things have been downhill since.  It's been miserable for our entire house. I can't necessarily attribute it all to the orthodontia.  It's been a shift in personality and behaviors too.

For personality, this kid used to be my lovey, cuddly, can't get enough hugs from mom. Since he was born he was always affectionate, liked to be where I was, would wake up multiple times and come and find me, etc.. But this has changed. I've noticed a distinct difference in his wanting to get as much affection as he used to. He still does ask to sit with me while we watch shows at night, will ask me to hold his hand sometimes when going to sleep....but more often than not, he's spending most of his time being fussy. He used to be the easier one to parent, but not now....hey boy. To be fair, this last month he's been sick with pink eye, strep, and for the last 2 weeks a viral cough thing that sounds very croupy. He still hasn't shaken that.  But over the last week he's had more tantrums--and I mean screaming, throwing things, shouting....then he's had in an entire year. It's been challenging...and exhausting. One night he was especially rude during tuck in time. I put them to bed and just came out to the living room and cried. He really hurt my feelings and I never would have thought he'd get that angry towards me.  I was so caught off guard that I just left his room...didn't really even know what to do. I talked to my sister the next day and she asked if he had been given a consequence? During the episode I did ask him if he had anything to say when he came out of his room and he apologized, but during the moment I didn't give him a consequence.  So, the next day I had him write an apology letter and lose 2 days of Ipad. That actually felt more of a punishment for me, because he absolutely was pissed off because he already had lost 1 day for taking his ipad to his friends house without asking, so now it was 3 days. In addition, because he was sick I wouldn't let him play with friends AND he didn't have IPad time.....so after getting his allergy shots on Tuesday we came home and it was the worst, most epic meltdown he's ever had. I didn't even know what to do...he's crying, screaming, etc. so I told him he needed to get into the bath...he fought me so hard on actually doing it, but when I was at a loss that always helped with his sister-- and eventually it helped him and he did ultimately calm down. But it took awhile.

The tantrum behavior is in addition to the fact that he is not listening. To anything really. He'll be taunting his sister by putting his feet in her face, as an example. I'll say please stop. He'll keep them there an extra second to see what will happen. Today when they were going to his friends house to swim I asked them to come towards me in the back yard so I could put sunscreen on....I asked him to take off his helmet so I could do his face and he just stands there. I said again, take off the helmet. I then shouted and then he ended up doing it. After typing this out I clearly should have handled things differently. I should have said ok, if you don't take off your helmet, you can't go swimming. Crap, I got sucked in to the fight. I think that's it, he's CLEARLY testing boundaries at every turn and I'm not managing it very well. I've lost my patience with him not listening to anything--or really it's him choosing not to do what I've asked. Maybe I need to have a talk w/ him and set him straight about ok, if you choose not to listen you will lose X. Ipad time seems to be the most valuable, so that might be the option. I think I've been swimming in frustration of it all and not stepping back to figure out a new game plan. I'm still in the game fighting.  See, this has been very helpful. New game plan coming soon.

My other issue w/ him is he doesn't clean up after himself. Like ever. It doesn’t matter how often I’ve reminded him to pick up his clothes, dishes, food, you name it. I still find myself reminding every single day. I feel like I'm following behind them all day and nagging them to clean up the banana peel someone left on the couch, the soccer socks in the living room, the dirty clothes on the floor next to the shower.  I had the idea of if I find 3 things of yours then you get a consequence. I actually don't like that and it didn't last long because it feels too negative. I'll have to figure out a way for them to earn/reward so it becomes more positive. Also in all fairness, his sister is the exact same way. you know she's been around because there's a trail of stuff everywhere.

The biggest issue that’s driving me nuts is he is relentless when I tell him no. For example, if he says hey mom, can I play with Matias? I say no. 5 minutes later, mom can I play with Matias? No. I already said no. Then he’s into writing notes again. Mom, can I play with Matias circle yes or no. And no usually has a crying face next to it. He just won’t stop and continues to ask over and over until I get mad. I literally feel like I’m on repeat with him and that is actually working me up even writing this out. Sigh.

So, these last few months it really has been hard with my son who's been fussy, rude, back-talking, irritable, silently provoking his sister regularly, shouting, and not listening.  Fun times.

In addition, it's been especially hard because as you know we adopted a new puppy, Hazel. Puppies are so much work. They are crazy, they nip, they don't sleep, they don't eat when they are supposed to, they actually bite you by accident, they poop in the house. There's been a few times now where I'm like omg, this is not for me.  My daughter was struggling too because while she likes playing with the dog some, she doesn't like the taking care of her part. We had a really deep conversation about it and I think it was hard for her to admit that it's hard and not what she expected. I've done a lot of reading and I think we have the puppy blues. Look it up, it's a real thing.  So, because it's been really really stressful I even offered up hey, why don't we think more about whether this is working and maybe do a cat? I know cats. And because my girl has been struggling too she came up w/ the plan that perhaps we can see if our neighbors who love dogs and lost both of theirs, but adopted one and usually like to have two, might be interested. To be honest it was a really smart plan i.e. she could still see the dog, love on her, but then say goodbye see ya tomorrow. I got really close to offering the neighbor for real, but then.......

Things have kind of shifted over the last few weeks (after a day I was losing my mind and was just mad at everything) First, I think Hazel has calmed down some and the nipping has subsided (a bit). She's allowed us to cuddle her more without all the nips, which makes it much more enjoyable to hold and pet her for all of us. I also think she's bonding a bit more w me and maybe me w/ her because when I came home from an errand my girl had put her in the back yard. When she heard my voice as I was coming to the fence she got all wiggly and her tail was wagging so much. She was happy to see me, and that in turn made me happy to see her. Also, we are getting into a better routine with how we manage our days. I still spend all day taking care of her, but I've been able to put her in the playpen and leave for awhile knowing she's safe.  And finally, I figured out that she sleeps much better if I leave her in the playpen (it's in the living room) and I go to bed in my room. I just thought to do that 3 nights ago and that first night she slept all night long! Now, unfortunately I don't sleep well in my bed and that is still on my list of needing to get an adjustable bed.....but in a way it's good for me to have better sleep hygiene i.e. actually get up and go to my bed to sleep at night instead of sleeping in the recliner or the couch. Oh, and i also researched dog trainers because I really don't know what I'm doing. Part of a trigger for frustration is when I feel out of control and don't know what to do. I've learned very quickly the private ones are very expensive. I called one and his program offered 4 in home training sessions, then group classes/group walks for a year...$995. Gulp. But, he was SO GOOD on the phone though talking about the psychology of dogs, why they do what they do, etc.. and offered up some tips for things we are struggling w/ now. I really liked him. So, it may be worth the investment. I'll have to think about it. I had called another woman a few weeks ago, and her prices were similar but it was like 6 sessions for $850 or 9 sessions for $1250, but she didn't seem very professional and I was not impressed. Maybe you get what you pay for here.  I did think about petco, etc. and we actually started a puppy training class a few weeks ago, but the training area was filthy (layers of dog hair so disgusting) and during the second class the trainer stopped class and told the other girl something was wrong w/ her dog and to take her to the emergency vet. Then proceeds to tell me it seemed neurological and perhaps due to parvo. What the crap. So many things wrong with all of that I told them thanks but no thanks.

Aside from my son and the dog, my girl seems to be doing pretty well. Other than being tired some she seems to be feeling pretty good and hasn't been nearly as sick as her brother. She's finishing up 5th grade and her elementary school. Hard to believe she will be in middle school in the Fall. WAH. She continues to grow taller and her legs keep stretching. She still likes her sugar and I've found that if I allow it some, it seems to help her. So, I've flexed as much as I'm comfortable with. She's really connected with her teachers throughout elementary and has been happy at school for the most part. She has friends and is confident. I don't believe she's struggled at all w/ being picked on for anything and for that I'm just grateful. She still struggles w/ anxieties, but it's not constant. She and I have actually spent more time together just bonding, watching shows together, she's wanted to sit on my lap more, etc. which I just love. It's been really nice now that I reflect. She and I have come a long way.

Now, if I can just get on a better groove w/ my son, keep things improving w/ the dog, and keep my girl in a positive space, we will be doing better. Personally, I am doing pretty well. I've started an online app for weight loss and I really really like it. I've been doing it since April 12th and it's pretty simple--calorie counting, but there's a lot of psychology behind eating, behaviors, food, etc. that it teaches you. You take quizzes, etc. and it's kinda fun. In 2 1/2 weeks I've lost 6 lbs and it feels good. Plan to keep the streak going. 

Up next, school will be out in 4 weeks. I've got a few things planned for summer like both will be in basketball camp, my son will go to GT (gifted talented) camp, speech camp, and my girl will go to VBS (vacation bible school camp), and I'm sure I'll get them into a few other things. Keeping them busy is totally the plan. I'm going to continue working on renovations in my own home (getting bids on taking down the fireplace that's in the middle between my kitchen and living room just taking up space so I can have a massive island and better function). I've decided to update the kitchen and then repaint. After that will be all new furniture. It's embarrassing how bad the furniture is now...there's a hole in the couch the dog continues to get stuffing from. These projects seem to take forever.

PS I went back into this post to edit a few things this evening and my girl comes out saying she’s not feeling right. She’s been complaining since Friday of her chest feeling tight, she’s been really tired these last several days, and worried more than usual-afraid of the dark, etc. Seems she’s getting increased physical and emotional anxiety symptoms. I rocked her in the recliner and did some deep breathing with her, explained likely she’s feeling anxious, tried a grounding exercise—tell me something you can see, etc. then went into her room, sat on the floor and held her hand. Thought we had it so came back out and here she comes again. My next thought was to let her eat a snack, so cheese stick and back to bed. Will see how it goes…..

Parenting is not for wimps.

It's a Girl

Well, we've adopted a new family member. Her name is Hazel. She is a mini goldendoodle and while she is cute as can be, it's been a major adjustment bringing this newborn home.

HAZEL

It's been a huge learning curve for me since I've never raised a puppy. We had a family dog growing up and her name was Muffin. I was around 4 when we got her and she was a mutt, but mostly looked like a white standard sized poodle. I was responsible during the week for feeding her when it was my turn-back then we fed her Alpo dry dog, mixed with the wet, and stirred it all with warm water. It smelled disgusting, I sure remember that. Of course my mom was ultimately responsible so we just got to have the fun parts. She was just a member of the family, went on vacations with us Up North, was allowed on the furniture, and we didn't have a fenced yard so we had this long chain that she could come up the back steps and we could let her into the back yard.  I remember often our back neighbor would call to ask us to let her in because she was barking. Having a dog as part of the family is what I plan for Hazel.

We've had a few things we've needed to work through w/ her--and even prior to her arriving I researched everything I could think of from crate training, obedience training, potty training, treats, food, grooming, etc.

1) Where she will be in the house.

We had to decide on where she will be in the house, and in order for me not to have an anxiety attack worrying she is going potty everywhere and chew hazardous things,  I got a wire play pen that's 48X48 wide and 24" tall, and underneath they make a waterproof vinyl mat that hooks onto the pen. We put it right in the middle of our family room where we all are most of the time.  However, within 2 days she learned how to climb up and out of it.  Then I researched more and decided, okay, I'll just get a taller play pen that's 30" tall and only vertical bars/doesn't have cross bars so she can't crawl up it. That lasted about 2 days and she squeezed her itty bitty body through the 2 1/4" bars. She is so little without the fluff....at her first vet appointment she weighed only 4 ish pounds. So THEN, I decided to attached the 24" wire TO the 30" tall one so that it blocked her from squeezing out. However, she actually learned how to crawl up to the tippy top of the 24" and OVER the 30". I would not be thwarted!  Turns out, they actually make wire 'lids' for the wire playpens that can be attached so they can't crawl out. Wish I would have realized this from the beginning--would have made it a lot easier. Here's her massive play space. And yes, her bed is too big, however my daughter picked it out and Hazel really likes it.  Also, before we put that in there we have a stuffed mamadog my daughter put in there where she cuddled up immediately when she first arrived. She also still has her blanket that came home w/ her litter mates and mama's scent.

2) To kennel or not to kennel.  

After making this playpen for her I did still end up getting her a plastic kennel.  When we first got her I tried to let her get used to the kennel and put it inside of the playpen. The first night she slept in it with the kennel door open. I also started putting her food and water in there for her to get used to it. However, when I've tried to close the door she absolutely freaked out and howled like she's hurt or something. So much advice has been given to just power through it, she'll get used to it, etc. and I can't bring myself to put her in and close the door. I just can't. So, after talking to the lady we got her from she said just take the kennel out of the playpen since we aren't using it as one, really. It was just holding her food. That may be for another time. We've gotten into a routine with the playpen, so it seems to be working for now.

3) Food/Treats

This was so reminiscent of when I was having so much trouble with formula for my daughter. Hazel came home with dry food she ate after weaning. However, she wouldn't eat it. She barely ate for the first 3 days. I was so nervous, especially after we took her to the first vet appointment and he said she was underweight. His advice was to just feed her more. Gee thanks, already tried that. We tried adding wet food with the dry food, tried adding warm water, etc. still no luck. After about a week I decided to try a different food (which maybe wasn't a good idea because the advice was to just stick it out), and she didn't barely touch that either. Finally I went to a pet store and the girl happened to mention a dry food that was expensive (of course) but human grade. Turns out, she ate it! I was so indecisive about what to do--do I switch her again to this food? But considering she needed to gain weight I thought it was best. She's now been on it for over a week. She's eating mostly about 1 cup per day which is ok, but I'd like her to eat more. The lady we got her from has been very helpful in supporting me through all this. She said if she still wasn't eating to put scrambled egg in her food. We didn't have to end up  doing that.  The other thing I learned is that the advice was to feed 3 times per day, then pick it up.  Well, the lady said see what happens if you leave it down overnight, and sure enough, she mostly eats at night! Who knew! So, we now just put 1 cup in her bowl and leave it there so she can eat when she wants, even at night. Along with food she wanted nothing to do w/ treats. I literally tried 6 different brands of treats. Finally, I ordered some treats from the same brand her food is, and lo and behold, she loves them!  She's got expensive taste apparently. Now we've been able to practice sitting and it's been fun to have some success w/ that.

3) Nipping

This is likely the hardest challenge we've had with her so far.  She is totally a puppy and totally into putting everything in her mouth. Fingers, legs, feet, toys, hair, etc.. I know that's how she is learning, I know that she needs to chew as she is teething and her baby teeth will fall out eventually and it should get better. BUT....it's really hard. She's especially playful and nippy w/ my son.  It's kinds of gotten to where we can't even hold her on our laps w/out her nipping and wanting to chew anything she can. There's really no cuddling w/ her after the first week because she started chewing and nipping w/ a vengeance. Even if we distract her w/ a chew toy and pet her, eventually those razor sharp teeth find your hands. If we take her outside she jumps and grabs onto your leg or pants.  And yes, we've tried the ignore the bad behavior, etc. but it's hard. Especially when it hurts. I think this will take time.  We've been teaching her 'down' command and that's helped some when she's so jumpy. But sometimes she's just too wild and we need her to calm down.

4) Potty Training

This actually has gone as well as can be expected!  It's almost like she came knowing she needs to potty outside. I take her out all the time to give her opportunity to go in the backyard. We don't do pee pads at all inside. She's gotten tons of praise and she's only had a handful of accidents inside since we got her. Of course, she's still not 'trained' per se because she doesn't realize when she's out of her playpen she needs to alert us she has to go outside. When she's in her playpen, she barks a different bark and I know she's got to go outside. She does this every 3 hours during the night--sounds just like the good ole days when my babies were newborn. And yes, I am pretty exhausted.  However, other than a few times, she's not gone potty at all in her playpen. I'm really happy about her progress on this.

5) Bonding w/Hazel

This has been the most surprising part yet. My daughter is really the reason we got Hazel in the first place. I could have been fine w/ out a dog/another living thing to take care of. However, I just rationalized that at age 10 and 8, these are good ages because they can help and have responsibilities. If we were ever going to do it, now is the time. However,  I think after she got here my daughter realized just how much work a puppy really is. Yes, you have to go outside when it's freezing cold and raining. Yes, you have to feed her when you are tired. Yes, you have to watch her when mom needs to run an errand. Of course until something happens, you have no idea what it's like. My girl has not played with her or been attached to her nearly as much as I thought she would. I literally thought she wouldn't put her down. And, it only took until the second day for her to protest having to take her outside. I do feel a certain kind of way about this because now that Hazel is here-she's not as into her as much as I thought she would be--and that kind of upsets me. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, I might have made a different decision. Of course, this is an adjustment for her as well and this may change over time. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks.

As for me, when we first brought her home it was spring break so both kids were home and Amy was here--and she slept a lot. Also, since Amy had a puppy and she loves dogs, she naturally did a lot of the 'stuff' needed. However, when Amy went home and the kids went back to school it was just me. And I had a meltdown quickly after that. One night I just started crying and told the kids how hard it was and I wasn't sure I could do this. I've heard that almost everyone says after getting a puppy 'why did I ever think this was a good idea??'. I said I'm going to need more help for this to work and that unless things change, we may need to have a different conversation.  Of course my daughter bursts into tears and says-but she's perfect! I think my message sunk in a bit and my girl has picked up her offering to do things with the dog. In addition, during the meltdown my son was so sweet....he came over and said "mom, it's going to be ok. We're here to support you". (such an old soul). So a few days later I had a come to jesus w/ myself and realized I need to suck it up, I can do this. I have spent a lot of time w/ her and am coming to like her a bit more and be less resentful about all the work puppies are. I had a lot of pride when she 'sat' for me for the first time....and the few times I have been able to hold her on my lap and pet her, I do really like that. Now that I've gotten my mind right, I've relaxed a bit and I've been able to be more calm and less anxious...and the night time wakings aren't too terrible. I'd rather have her do that, then potty in her playpen.

And most surprising of it all? My son is actually bonding with her way more than I thought he would. He really wants to play w/ her, pet her, walk her, etc..The problem w/ this is that she thinks he's her friend and is nipping/biting so much at him that he can only do it in short spurts--sometimes just a few minutes until she's so worked up and he's yelling OUCH!! She also is constantly jumping at/biting his legs/socks. Even with all that, interestingly enough, I asked him on the way to get his allergy shot the other day how he would feel if we didn't have Hazel. And he said he'd be sad. That surprised me. He's going to make an amazing dad someday because he just has a tender heart and is naturally a good caretaker.

Overall she really is a good puppy. She's got a positive demeanor about her...she really just wants to play with us. It's funny because when I've taken her to visit neighbors, etc. she is calm as can be and just cuddles right up to them, not a single nip to be had.  Just like kids, worse for their mama! My hope is that with time we all adjust more to our new family member, new routine and start being able to cuddle w/ her more in the house w/ out all the nipping. I need her to continue eating and growing. Next up is her second round of shots on April 14th.  I've been looking into puppy preschool, etc. and might do that as well. Apparently the guidance has changed on socialization. In the past, 'they' would say to keep your new puppy only at home and in your yard until they are fully vaccinated. Now, the vet said that guidance has shifted and the primary socialization period is between right now up to 16 weeks-ish. Apparently the risk of disease is small after first set of shots compared to the big benefit of exposing the pup to new sounds, people, etc.. Of course there are parameters i.e. don't take them to a dog park, etc..and where lots of dogs go. But, other than that, the more socialization the better. I didn't believe the vet at first, but the more research I did, that is exactly what I'm learning. So, that's what we are doing!

February Funk

Oh boy this last month has not been an easy one. Once again, the sickness has made it's way around again. First shortly after I got my tooth implant I ended up with a strep/respiratory type thing. Then, my son got a stomach flu with throwing up, which is never fun. My daughter picked up a mild congestion-y thing. Then over the past week I got a non-throw up stomach bug packed with serious stomach cramping and other fun stuff. I felt like it was going to last forever. I'm convinced I got it from our neighbor who invited us over for evening pancakes (and had just recovered from this wretched thing) and the very next day I have stomach issues. Coincidence? I don't think so.  In addition,  I think I've spent about $300 in delivery and take out food for us/the kids because I had no desire or energy to cook a thing.  Nothing.  We are out of everything also, as I haven't been to the store in over a week. Cooking is hard for me when I feel good, let alone when I can only move from the recliner to the couch. But life still went on, I drug myself to the kids' basketball games and practices.  The season just ended last week for both kids, and we just had my son's end of season party at the pizza place.

I'm so proud of the kids this season...my son was the all time high score-er, however he spent a lot of the season miserable because the team won their first game and lost all the rest. It was so discouraging every Saturday to get beat...and sometimes very badly.  He doesn't take to losing too well, so he's not a fan of basketball right now. Says he's not playing again, but I'll try to nudge him along. I just want an inside sport! He's also going to have height so it just makes sense.  And my daughter was most improved on the whole team. She went many games without scoring, however all of a sudden she just blossomed and scored 2 baskets in one game...then scored in the rest of the games.  I could see her confidence building over the season and it was so neat to watch. The two coaches told me how great she had done over the season and were amazed at how well she did for this being the first time she played in this league.  Overall I was happy with how the kids did, the league, and the coaches. I hope we play this upcoming Fall again.  As an aside, I'm learning very quickly that parents here are nuts for sports and have their kids playing sports leagues as soon as they can. My son's basketball coach said they have a basketball league for kids as young as first grade that is a traveling team.  What in the world. That won't be us.

I got a job offer. I had decided randomly to apply on a job that looked really interesting. It was outside of my industry, but still within HR. I really really liked the head of HR at the company. It all came down to the offer--if I was going to return to work it had to financially make sense. I'm a bit spoiled with my current industry with the bonuses, retirement, 401k match, etc. that it's hard to compete outside of the industry. So, I had a mental battle with it all (of course also when I was sick as could be), and ultimately decided to turn it down. I think after going through this process I may just not be ready to go back to work yet. I think what I'd like (need) to do is focus on my health.

There's nothing like a health scare to put things into perspective. Since January I had been having some new abdominal issues that just haven't gone away. I ended up finally seeing my gastroenterologist beginning of Feb (because you can't get in anywhere quickly) and he recommended a CT scan and lab work. It took a few weeks to get all of it scheduled, done, and then wait for the results.  I turned to Dr. google in the meantime and worked myself up into a panic that I had cancer or something very dire.  It's never a good idea to do that, but I just couldn't help myself...I spent hours researching and I felt like all roads were leading to bad outcomes. The wait was horrendous. I even started online accounts with the lab and hospital so I could see my results as soon as they were posted. All I could do was hole up in my house and wait for my email to show I had a new lab result. Then finally I saw my initial CT scan results and was waiting for my lab work. My Dr. finally called this past Friday and read the CT (which I already had seen) and it was normal. Lab work--which I hadn't seen--was normal. UGH. And Exhale.  One one hand the 'we didn't find anything dire' is good, but on the otherhand, why am I having such trouble? What is the problem?  The Dr. said they did see in my scan that I have severe degeneration of my L5-S1. Ok, they saw that back in 2019 scans too. That's not new. He said sometimes you can get pain, etc from pinched nerves and your back not hurt. I'm a bit skeptical of the whole thing. Basically I think it's an 'I don't know', here let's give you some steroids to see if helps. 

So between actually being sick with viruses and dealing w/ the abdominal stuff, it's been a very rough month. I truly feel like I didn't leave the house much unless I had to in February and spent a lot of time on the couch and my recliner. That is not necessarily a good thing because I can start to sleep too much and that's a slippery slope for me. It's always good to reflect and just summarizing the events of the last month makes me realize that I was processing through a lot....and when you are trying to take care of other humans, get better from sicknesses, and the worry....I kind of understand now why I felt like doing nothing most of the time.

But, I don't want to stay that way....now that I know we aren't sure what my issue is, I need to jump back into making plans and just doing stuff. I learned that when I'm ready, I can go back to work. If I'm going to take time off still, then I need to put it to good use. My focus will be Health and home projects. I've already reached out to my contractors because I want to change up some things in my house....and oh by the way still haven't purchased new furniture even though we came up w/ a plan and design.

And, I think we are getting that puppy--help me now. The lady reached out to say it was our turn to choose a few days ago on Saturday. Turns out we got to choose sooner than we thought and the one pup (we call her little  yellow girl) that my girl has had her eye on since the litter was born, was available! When I got the news I told my girl and she literally started crying with emotion. Then she ran and got papers so we could all write down our favorite girl names and we could vote. We could have selected her and been done w/ it, but I felt it was best to actually go in person and make sure all was good so we took a road trip yesterday there and back to meet her.  It was about 3 hours out and we went from like 18 lanes, down to 10, to 6, to 4.....then to 2 lanes.....then to a dirt road single lane into the depths of a forest. The drive was something in and of itself because it was so hilly, so many trees, and just simply beautiful. I had no idea we had terrain like this and I also had no idea my girl would connect w/ the nature of it all....she kept exclaiming ' this is amazing!'....'this is the best day of my life'...she even wanted to take pictures of the scenery. It was surprising and touching to say the least. Who knew my kid could actually be a country girl? I have to admit even I felt more at peace out there...you don't realize how much chaos we live in w/ the traffic, etc. until you aren't in it.

AND the visit....it was really pretty great-short and sweet. It was like the pup chose us, she came right up to my girl, me, my son...she was licking us, crawling in our laps...more than any of the others. She seemed very sweet natured and calm compared to some of the others that didn't stop jumping around most of the time. So, we will be planning to pick up little yellow girl in a few weeks right when spring break starts. I've been researching in earnest what to do and how to train a puppy. I've never done it, so it will be an adventure. What I thought was touching as well was that my son, who's really not that much into animals, told us he could love another girl as well. awwwwww.

I'm hoping March things turn around a bit for us.  However, with my son starting soccer practice tonight and having a complete allergy meltdown afterwards- I'm going to have to put lots of good vibes up. PS I didn't end up getting that eyebrow consultation as one of the kids was home sick that day, I also didn't do the microderma whatever because I was sick that day. Looks like I need to get on rescheduling some things as well.