Lots of things Post

I’ve had so many thoughts about writing posts—and have taken notes in my phone just so I wouldn’t forget. It’s been almost a month again. Sheesh.  Well, I have to give myself some leeway since it’s been somewhat nuts at work, I had to travel and work a really big layoff, we’ve had soccer on the weekends (just ended this past Saturday and we really loved it), preparing for a big 5^th birthday this month (at least I already have her present a unicorn kite!)…she wanted a unicorn theme. I’m still working on the cake, I’d rather have it taste good then be super pretty. Ideally it’s both, but you can spend a lot for a fancy cake that doesn’t taste that great. A girl at work told me about a Mexican bakery she’s in love with and had brought some of her daughter’s to work. It was amazing….Think we will try it this year. It’s not at all close to home, but for good cake….I’ll drive.

Also preparing for Kindergarten to start August 16^th.  This one I’m just feeling so anxious about. I can’t help it.  When I say I have a 4 and 2 year old my babies are still little. When you say 5, it just seems so much more grown up and older. I’ve also not even set foot in the school so perhaps that’s where some of my anxiety comes from. We have to register tomorrow since I missed the Spring registration and we are all going to go and least get a feel for it. So registration is tomorrow and then she’ll be assigned a teacher. THEN, they have a ‘meet the teacher night’ next Wednesday August 9^th with a Kinder orientation after that—similar to what they did in the Spring. 

A few weeks ago I did actually call about the one school that’s public, but it’s run more like a private school—they wear uniforms and it’s a classical arts academy that’s founded on classical literature. It’s more about teaching how to think versus how to take tests. That’s the one big concern I have about our current school—it is SO BIG and, test taking is a big deal here—and I’m worried about homework. I just HOPE they don’t do homework for kindergarten.  The academy has a waitlist of 82 and we are now 83. I didn’t necessarily think we’d get in (or really was hoping to just yet), but apparently you had to apply to see how far down the waitlist you were and curiosity got the better of me. I guess my plan has been to try Kindergarten at our school and see how it goes, but it never hurts to look at options.

I tried to be proactive a few weeks ago in connecting with other moms going to our school and sent an email to the distribution for our neighbourhood moms network--just asking if anyone has any experience with the school etc would they be interested in talking? I got no takers….sigh. Well, not true the lady that runs the group sent me a note just yesterday and said she’d be happy to talk. Actually she scheduled a moms night get-together this Thursday for those with kids going into Kinder in our area. I decided I would go and talk to her there.  She said in her note that they knew no one when they first started school and that’s exactly how we are. I wonder if community-building will be easier at Kindergarten than it was at preschool?

We have to do some school clothes shopping because neither of the kids have a lot of clothes for Fall and my son will start preschool in September. They don’t start until after Labor day and they have a meet the teacher Sept 1.  I’ve already met her twice and she seems great. I’m nervous about him starting, but for different reasons. He has never been in the care of someone he doesn’t know. It’s either been me or our nanny or old nanny, etc.. Never w/ a classroom setting or w/ strangers, etc.. I know you have to start somewhere, but my little guy is so sensitive. I worry more about him at school than my girl.

Big changes—kindergarten, preschool, my job will change next month sept 1.

We’ve also had a breakthrough w/ language and I couldn’t be more excited.  All of sudden it just started happening. He came home from speech therapy several weeks ago and nanny says, tell mama the word you learned….and he said GOooooooo! Clear as day. I went wild for him and clapped, gave hugs, and told him how proud I was of him. Said a lot of woop woops….and of course he would say GO again the rest of the day and look right at me for my continued support;)

He’s also started saying:

PUH-PUH: purple

NoNoNoNo: self explanatory

Boo: blue

Buh: Butt—he laughs hysterically when he points and says this

Uh-Oh:uhoh

Reh: Red

Cah: car

Mama: me! He tries to get my attention all the time by saying AH! AH! Really really loud. I stop him and say, “How do you ask for mama?” and he quietly says, “Mama”.

Nah-Nah: Nanny’s name

Doooow: Down (usually pointing his finger from up to down)

Na-Na: banana

Aaaapuh: apple

Meee: me…when we read a story and one of the characters has done something I’ll say, ‘who did that?” He gets this big ole smile and taps himself on the chest and says, “Meeeee!” I’ll say, “You did that?!” and he just laughs.

He’s really starting to imitate other words now when he hears people say things….I’ve also noticed he’s trying to talk along w/ songs or tv shows. He’s making the appropriate sounds when counting, although can’t really tell the numbers yet.

AND….most importantly (I think?) is that he’s using words to actually communicate. Last night he wanted a yogurt so I opened the fridge and pointed to the red capped one….he said ‘puh-puh’. He wanted the purple cap!!! It is just so exciting to see his language blossom and it’s kind of fun to wonder what he’s going to learn next.

Language has been a bit like crawling and walking….he did both of those on his own schedule and now it’s the same w/ words. It also seems like the concern the therapist had earlier on whether he had apraxia (trouble getting the words out) isn’t really an issue. I’m going to confirm that during next visit just to be sure. Seems it really is just delayed speech. We’ve known his cognition is right on track the whole time.

On the flip side he’s in the pooping/peeing phase i.e. takes off his clothes and poops and pees all over his bed during nap. Gets it on his hands, etc.. So disgusting. I swear all kids go through this, why oh why??!! He’s done it twice now when I’ve put him down for nap and he clearly has no intention of taking one. He thinks it’s absolutely hilarious when I come and ask him what the heck he did. He’s also had several really grouchy days…..he folds his arms in front of himself and gets the ‘mad look’ when he doesn’t like something. He’s also into hitting me the minute I walk in the door when I come home from work. It’s been every day for a few weeks now. Nothing seems to help. Having him come to me first, having me bend down and pay attention to him right away, etc.. nothing. I remember my girl going through this phase that whenever I came home she had melt downs—even though she was fine all day and even the few minutes before I got there. I think I read that it’s possible they are angry you are gone and don’t know how to express that so they hit you. So, I at least ask him, ‘where you mad mama was gone?”….he says yes, but I am not sure he knows why he’s doing it. He’s only two. Yesterday was tough they both were crying and carrying on.  I just sat in the chair, turned on cartoons, and let them get it out of their system. After about half an hour it was calm again. Takes a lot of patience at the end of the day when both of them are in a mood.

I had a really tough conversation w/ my sister yesterday. She’s decided to come for my girl’s birthday but I’m concerned about having a repeat of Christmas (where she barely spoke, very insensitive, making snarky comments about me/kids, created a ton of tension in the air, etc). That was the worst trip and frankly I don’t want that kind of energy coming to the house for a birthday. I’m still upset actually that she hasn’t apologized. It’s funny because not long ago she was saying how she was mad at my Dad for acting crazy, not realizing how his behaviour impacted others, hid away after acting like that, etc.. Yeah, ummmm….sounds familiar.

So, I confronted her with it. I wanted to get it out in the air before she came. I started by asking how she was feeling i.e. does she think this trip will be better? I asked if things do get bad, what is an action plan we can have so we can address right then and there…..and THEN I reminded her what she said about our Dad (this was sensitive because she does not like it when I compare her to him) and that how things went at Christmas wasn’t far from that. And that I was upset that she never apologized or thought about how her behavior impacted me.

She got pretty quiet and said she never thought of it from that perspective. I think that’s part of the issue. She spends a lot of time stewing in her own head and not really stepping back to see the whole picture. She said she didn’t want to apologize then and there because I would think she did it just because I asked her to. I told her I didn’t expect an apology right then but my biggest thing was I just didn’t want a repeat. She said she would think about it, and I guess that’s fine for now.

I do hope she thinks about it….the thing is, for me it’s more about my kids and not exposing them to that tension.

Another little drama was with old nanny Amy. She lives about 5-6 hours from here and her family isn’t super supportive of her coming to visit as often as she does (maybe once a month), well, really even when we lived there her spending time w/ my family. She’s got a husband and a 15 year old daughter.  Her daughter has a lot of anxieties and when younger suffered from terrible separation anxiety. Now, it’s more some obsessive behaviors (fixating on things) and still some anxiety. It’s become a battle for her to explain that she sees my kids like grandkids and wants them to remember her and be part of their lives. They don’t really understand that and don’t really like her being gone. She does a lot for them like most of the cooking, driving daughter around, etc..My view is they don’ t like it because it disrupts their lives and frankly w/ the daughter some jealousy. Somewhat understandable because kids that age, in their mind it is all about them.

I try to stay pretty far away from it and provide help/support when asked because I don’t necessarily agree w/ some of the things the family does (including her sisters). That’s for her to handle. However, it came to a head because just yesterday she said she wasn’t coming for my girl’s birthday. Uh, what? She even told my girl she was coming and it kind of came out of the blue.  Apparently her daughter had said some things to her when she came back from last trip that got her thinking she shouldn’t come. I told her ultimately it was up to her……I certainly don’t know what it’s like to answer to someone else, but it would be disappointing.  I guess today she is looking at flights.

I’m just confused.

It just all feels like way too much drama.  I’m just trying to have a party for my girl and want to have a good time. Adults get it together for the sake of my almost 5 year old. Period. 

What it also brings up for me is that I feel somewhat lonely right now. I don’t feel like I have ‘that person’ right now that I can rely on when things feel crazy to just let it out, they will understand, and say it’s going to be fine. I’ve thought of my mom a lot these last few weeks because I think there just is no replacing the unconditional love of a mother. That’s really what I crave right now.  I think when she was alive back until 2008 that’s the last time I truly felt that unwavering support.  No matter the situation I could always depend on her with no strings attached. Maybe I was so fortunate that I had such strong feelings and such a tight bond with her that nothing will compare. I’ve really tried to piece it all together and realize that no one is perfect, different friends come into your life for different reasons.  Amy is in my life the most and even then it’s not simple because of the distance and issues w/ her family.  She’s also never been in a professional job and in corporate America so we don’t really connect on that either.

Like I said, no one is perfect….and trust me, I’ll pull up my bootstraps and make whatever I need to work, work.  Sometimes being so strong for yourself and your kids (and being responsible for everything) all the time is just hard. Maybe that’s all this is.

I know it will turn out, things will be fine for her party regardless of who’s there and how they show up.  My new job will be fine, even though at times I still think about throwing in towel, taking a severance, and riding off into the sunset with my littles…

 

I know it will be fine. I’ll be sure to make it so.

Happy 4th of July!!

Last night I was worried somewhat that we didn't have any concrete plans for today. We weren't going to any big BBQ to eat potato salad and chips. Weren't hanging out with a whole group of friends/family.....didn't really make any plans so to speak.  Much like the last few years with the kids--mostly because the idea of sitting somewhere outside in over 100 degree temps with the humidity just made me sweat thinking about it. Oh and the chronic lack of sleep during that time ;)
We were still in the apartments 2 years ago while the house was being worked on.....my son was only 9 months old and an almost 3 year old.  Last year we were in the house but didn't go to any parades or BBQ's either....just didn't have it in me to brave the heat. I just looked at my phone and I took a few videos of us staying indoors--my girl was dancing to Ricky M.artin on some cable music channel while my son walked by wearing a tennis shoe and a pink boot.


This year was different.....we did it all!! And all of it was really unplanned....with the exception of buying fireworks several days ago. I figured this year we just may be ready to try them. We braved the heat all day really......and had such a great day!!


This morning we were all pretty tired because both kids have colds and I've just not been sleeping that great. So we watched morning cartoons and said what the heck, let's go to swing park. As we packed up, got in the stroller I knew that our neighborhood was having a parade at 10. I asked if they wanted to go and we figured, why not. So, we detoured to pocket park and ran into our neighbors sitting in chairs, etc..It worked out great because we had our blanket already for a picnic we were going to have and just sat down. It was sort of a parade.....started w/ a firetruck in front, a whole bunch of people/kids walking behind or riding their decorated bikes etc. (no throws or music), then ended w/ police car. It was over in about 15 minutes. That's my kind of parade--no crowds, no candy, and short. 
We decided to head to swing park anyway when my son pointed towards home....so my girl says hey lets get swimsuits and go to the splashpad at swingpark. Why not?  Got all the gear and walked over....it was definitely getting hotter. I was starting to sweat and don't think I stopped for the next hour. Kids had great time and believe or not after I gave the 5 minute and 2 min warning they both (without fussing) came back over to get dressed. Awesome.
After we came back, though, I thought I was done for because I was SO hot, headache, etc....think I just got overheated. So we all sat under the fan, I took a cold shower, some advil, and felt much better. AND, we can't have the fourth without hot dogs and watermelon so funny enough we ran into our neighbors who said on hey, we have a watermelon we need to get rid of. Perfect. Didn't have baked beans or chips but hey, we'll work on that for next year.


After rest time we went outside to try our little fireworks---I kept calling them butterflies but they were the flowers that spin around, some snappers, a few tanks, and a few fountains. My girl loved the snappers.....and my son did okay, but started crying after the tank. It was super loud even though we just did them in our driveway. After coming in we kind of kept the patriotic theme going w/ some music time and played katy pe.rry fireworks....they both LOVE that song. And of course we threw in some I can make your 'hands' clap, Toby's red white and blue (which was a hit my girl said she loved it)....and I surfed good songs to play on 4th and Whitney's 1991 performance of national anthem was linked. Aaaaaahhhhhh.......made me just stop and love America. Minus all of the political issues.


Then each of us made our home made pizzas for dinner.


After bath we hadn't finished our fireworks and we wanted to see them in the dark....I decided to get my son to bed and my girl and I would finish them up. It still wasn't that dark, but hey...close enough. She probably would have done 10 boxes of snappers if I had them and thankfully it was a bit cooler to sit outside.  Such a sweet kid, she was worried that we wouldn't have time to 'talk and hold hands' because we did fireworks and were late getting to bed. I assured her, of course we would.


I'm sitting here now in the rocker, fireworks blasting away in the neighborhood and on tv......and feel very content. There's a certain kind of tiredness that comes from a crazy active day....and it just feels good. Had a great day w/ the kids (minus my son deciding he doesn't have to nap for me) and don't feel like we 'missed out' by not being at some fancy picnic. The three of us made our own fun and I think it was pretty cool if I do say so myself.


Happy Fourth!


Oh, and I did accept the job at my current company. After a lot of anxiety, worry, and mental processing....I decided that staying put was in the best interest of our family. Decision made and most of the time I feel pretty good about it. Focusing on not second guessing and just keepin it movin.

Well...hello again 3's

I have way too much on my mind right now. I’ve been thinking through what I want for this next step in my career, and I’m not 100% in either direction.

 

I can tell my mind is jumbled because I’ve tried to write and explain what’s happened and where I am at now…….and I’ve started writing this over about 3 times now.  I’ll try again from start.

I’ve mentioned that I have two options now that my company’s HQ is moving cities. I can either stay on here until a severance (which has financial benefits) OR I can try to transfer over into a different part of our company.  It’s somewhat hard to explain but even though where I work shares the same name as the bigger company, we are run completely separately. So, even though it would be an internal transfer, it is much like starting over at a brand new company altogether. Pros and cons to doing this.

Well, I was asked to do a phone interview last week for the job they told me about when my co-worker got the last job. It is a similar job to what I am doing now, just in a different group.

I was in Colorado all last week for my current job, but decided that yes, I should interview and worst case scenario if I didn’t like it or get a good feeling, I could always withdraw from the process.

 

I did the telephone interview last week with the hiring manager in the UK, and the other interviewer was here in the U.S. I felt pretty good after the call, felt positive….and thought I had done well with all of the preparation I did.  Then, after the interview the U.S. guy reached out and asked if I would be interested in meeting up face to face yesterday. I wasn’t sure if that meant he wanted to offer the role, or just chit-chat, etc.. so I said of course, why not.

Conversation yesterday went well, he seemed pretty cool, showed me around campus a bit….then said they’d get back to me sometime this week. I got a meeting notice last night from the hiring manager for today.

 

Well….

 

DUM DUM DUM…….the hiring manager offered me the job today!!

 

I had a feeling that was going to be the case because yesterday my current boss said there was positive vibes coming from them that he got.  I spoke with her today and felt a little more easy about her—for some reason my intuition is a bit wary of her. She was underwhelming in my initial conversation with her about a month ago, but was better in the interview, and better this past phone call.

 

I want to take a few days to think about it and funny enough, a little bit ago my current boss said, ‘do you have something to tell me’….I thought he was referring to the fact that I was offered the position. He sent me a note saying that the hiring manager told him I accepted the offer!! Ummm….what?! I certainly did not say yes…..the only thing I did was talk about potential timing if I were to accept. So, somehow our communication got twisted…..there goes my stomach again…that little bit of worry for some reason.

 

I took the opportunity to send an email to the hiring manager to clarify that I wanted a few days to think through, and oh by the way, here was my rationale for a salary adjustment. I was going to wait on that, but I think it made sense given that I already had to send her an email letting her know I had not accepted. Weird, right?!  I decided on the salary piece, it’s a risk……most of the time if you are moving internally to the same grade level, they just move you. BUT, our part of the company has a different compensation package than they do, SO……I decided that if you don’t ask, the answer will always be NO.

I’m a little concerned that it might seem offputting to them because of the mixup in her thinking I already accepted, THEN asking for salary increase….. but, I’ve already decided that if they meet me somewhere in the middle, I will certainly be ok with that. If they flat out say no, then it may tip the scales for me to decline the position, stay where I am, and look at the external market at a new company. I am certainly not afraid to be unemployed and the market in my city is pretty good. Thankfully when I walked through this with a friend of mine (or two)…they helped me realize I am in the driver’s seat. I don’t HAVE to accept their offer if something feels ‘off’, I don’t HAVE to take just what they give me because I have other options.

 

OPTIONS…..that word if very powerful for me. I’ve been so financially conservative because I never want to be tied down or tied into something because I can’t afford to do something different. That’s always been very very important to me, in many respects. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want to…..it just gives me such a sense of peace and freedom when I’m in a position to make choices versus settle for the ‘less than’. Once I thought of it that way, the burden of making this choice about my career seemed to lessen some…..but I will say that this uncertainty has been hard to deal with.  I’ve known about this upcoming change now since December of 2016.

 

So, I sent the email asking for what I wanted. Nervous about it still, but at the end of the day, they could always just say no, and I then make a decision from there.

 

I titled this post return to the 3’s because…..I mentioned a minute ago I had taken a trip to Colorado last week..I left Monday morning and returned this past Friday night. I talked to the kids every day I was there and sent pictures etc too. Most of the time they handle me being gone pretty well because their normal nanny stays with them at our house, so their routine is not super disrupted.

Well…….

When I came back this past Friday I was super excited to see them on Saturday. And boy oh boy did I get a welcome….TANTRUM CITY sweetheart. My daughter was a complete mess. She woke up screaming/crying…didn’t want anything. We were supposed to go to soccer practice (we just started going on Saturday’s, indoors, from 9:15-10 and just love it so far). She wanted nothing to do with it, didn’t want me to comb her hair, didn’t want to put on socks and shoes……and sure, if she’s melting down, you know brother is not far behind.

We were supposed to leave at around 8:45am and I have two wailing children, both want to be held, not wanting to get ready…..it was a circus. I basically said we are going, and if she didn’t want to participate she could sit on the sidelines. 

I’m exhausted just reliving it right now.  We ended up making it to soccer and she participated just fine. Towards the afternoon because it was hot we went to the pool and it was fine, however when we got out both of them just melted down again….

 

I was really concentrating on being patient, kind, and patient ;)  …….giving lots of hugs, asking them what I could do to help, etc.. I KNOW me being gone is emotionally hard for them and I think they save up their emotion and pour them all out on me when I get back. I know they can’t explain that they missed me, they felt sad, etc.. and therefore are acting out. 

I KNOW all of this……

BUT, 

It doesn’t make it any easier in the heat of the moment when there were bouts of tantrum throughout the weekend and all I could think was---this is the hardest it’s been in a long time. And eventually I snapped and yelled a few times. I just really don’t like when I do that. They need hugs and understanding when they are a wreck…I know this—and it can be very hard to do. It absolutely took me back to days of baby and toddler when no one was sleeping, everyone was exhausted, and the patience tank was depleted. As an example, one of the mornings my girl came in my room at 4:50am and my son got up at 5:50am of course and had woken up a few times through the night.

 

After reflecting over this past weekend yesterday, another thought that came to me is that yes, they may have been tired, hard time adjusting to me gone, etc…but the other thing w/ my girl is wondering if she’s in a developmental stage again?  I sure knew when it was happening in her two’s and three’s because there were periods of a ton of tantrums and sleep issues. She is showing signs of thinking differently with asking questions about her grandma no longer here (my mom, who passed away before she was born and she hasn’t met) and if she’ll come back, etc.. and also recognizing when she ‘slips up’ with her behaviour, comes right over to apologize and say she was sorry for doing X…..that’s a lot of thinking for a 4 year old, well almost 5 in August (oh dear).

 

I don’t know….maybe I’ll get out the book about parenting spirited children again to see if there are some tips I can remind myself of in there. It’s my job to make sure I learn how to guide her in a way that works for her and she doesn’t feel like she’s not being heard, or not getting ‘enough’ of whatever she needs.  It’s been a journey with her…..her birth was pretty traumatic (I still need to write and post this story), she wasn’t a snuggly baby at all and I wondered if I wasn’t doing something right (no, that’s just how she is wired), her entry into tantrums started at two and went well into threes…..very fierce, exhausting, emotionally draining behaviors…and at four has blossomed into such a charming, delightful, sensitive, thoughtful, creative, and fierce sense of right and wrong little girl. She’s giving kisses and hugs to more than make up for not wanting them before, and makes me laugh almost on a daily basis.

 

 

My two children are so very different….my son is happy if you just give him a remote ;)

100

Today was the first day this year my car temp read triple digits. May 27th. It was SOOO hot today. It wasn't just temperature hot, it was sticky humid too. The south does have its benefits but oh man when it's this hot you just want to take cover....except if you have 2 super active kids.

I looked back at. Note I wrote and we got our babypools out for the first time back on march 19th. Same day my son picked his first flower for me unprompted!

One other random tidbit I wrote a note to myself that my girl had asked me my favorite color. I said white ( for some reason) and she said 'oh that's horrible!" I asked why? And she said 'because there's nothing on it'.

So even though it was so hot we did have a nice breeze and overcast a bit-- which was good because we spent half the day outside!! Decided to go to 'swing park' this morning: not to be confused with 'pocket park', 'sand park', or 'faraway park'. One really good benefit of living out here. There was some party there which doesn't happen often. But as we walked up and I explained there was a party my girl says 'hey, I wasn't invited!'. Uh, no we don't know these people. There was something about the swings today--my son just let me push and push him (normally he wants out soon)--while my girl was next to us showing me how she learned how to swing all by herself. I swear we must have done that for at least 10 minutes...that's an eternity with these two at the park. I even felt zen for some reason with the back and forth back and forth. It actually was so pleasant.

We stopped by pocketpark on the way back home then I decided I wasn't into cooking lunch so we went out. Came home for rest time and I should put that in big quotes because my son has decided he doesn't have to nap for me. So aggravating because he sleeps approx 2 hours w nanny everyday. I just keep telling myself he just wants to be with me. Ha!

Then because by this time it was so hot we decided to go to our neighborhood pool that opened up this weekend. The overhead sun was really hot, but kids had their hats--I forgot how much crap it takes to go to the pool. 2 beach bags full of towels, diapers, change of clothes, goggles, sunscreen, etc and etc!

It was good I had all those supplies because turns out diarrhea smells terrible in a babypool. Yup, as we are all in there i started smelling something like the sewer and was thinking it smelled too bad to be my son. Nope. I pulled him closer and sure enough it was him and up the back of his shirt. I quickly ushered him and my girl out of the pool and I found a hose near bathrooms to clean off his trunks, shirt, and towel. I wondered whether he was feeling okay before we left because he spit up a little...but was acting okay.

It was quite embarrassing when shortly after we got out a lifeguard walked over to the middle of the babypool and said there was poop. I couldn't have shrunk any lower behind our table. Even more so when a second lifeguard walked over, took a picture, and said the other must be joking.

I was certain we had been reported and they were going to walk over and tell us we had to leave. I was scanning the few people around and no one seemed to be staring at us, thankfully.

Then, since we weren't quite done swimming I did what any good parent would do--we went back in the big pool. Just kiddin--Probably should have left, of course, but it happened, I couldn't change it, and he seemed to be just fine.

Busy day for all of us....we are all worn out.

My girls preschool graduation went off without a hitch. She was cute as a button, my son let me hold him during the program and snuggle, we got great photos, had a nice party in her classroom. Old nanny, new nanny, son, and I were there. We all had tons of smiles. I think it was not stressful for me because I had 2 extra sets of hands! They pretty much handled my son when he got antsy, new nannytook lots of photos, I got video. I felt like I had a squad there and everyone had a job.

It. Was. Great.

Parenting fail, sort of. I knew our kindergarten school was doing an open house back in April. I had company and was not feeling well so didn't end up going. Well, I decided I should probably call the school last week and see about registering for the fall. Registrars office says well, I missed it!! Apparently they have just a short window to pre-register kindergarteners and really do it as a courtesy to new parents. 

Ruh roh.

Lady said not to worry they have fall registration open in early August but not to miss those first few days because August 9th is another open house where we will meet her teacher--hence why we need to register as soon as we can on the 2 or3 so we can be assigned a teacher before the open house.

I'm wondering if im just in denial. I've had angst about this school and really believing we will be going there in the fall. I can't tell you why other than maybe I thought we might move before then? It's weird because even as we would drive by the school and I would say 'there's your kindergarten' there was this thought that would pop in and say well, maybe...

Considering I don't have plans today to go anywhere (at least today) I at least ordered school supplies.

I've also done more thinking about my job and there are really two options 1) go with other part of org or 2) leave company with severance. All this is due to HQ moving to another state. My initial thought was to stay, wouldn't that be the easiest thing? but then.....I started thinking more about the financial impact. It's actually 'better' for me to leave with severance because everything I have in 401k, long term incentives, etc vests on schedule automatically.  If I stayed, it would only vest if I stayed through the year things vest....so to make it simple in order to make the same amount of money I would need to stay at this company until 2020.

I know that's not far from now BUT one of the things I just don't like, never have, is the feeling of being 'locked in' anywhere. I've always worked toward putting myself in a position that I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. So it got me thinking that maybe I DONT want to stay. I'm not concerned I won't find another job....the market is picking up for sure. I have to decide to post on this second job they laid out to me by Wednesday next week. If I choose not to I'm going to have to think about how I explain to the group why I'm not interested now, and I was a month ago.

I feel split about it.

On top of that a manager in the company just called about a role she has in the Midwest. This would be the 3rd time they've asked me about a job up there. I really really want to just stay put. I even found a new designer through a friend of mine that may be just the right person/cost to get my house done and not feel like we just moved in with boxes on my bedroom wall almost 2 years later.

Summer here we come!

By the way my wierd numbness did go away by the following Monday, so maybe it was just a super wierd reaction to anesthesia. I've decided to just go to original dr follow up end of June and take it from there but I do still have second opinion dr lined up in July as needed.

One last thing--my girl started swimming lessons at a new place this year. I thinks it's ok. She loves it. Anyway I was able to go this past Friday to watch and I continue to be amazed at how other people lack of parent. Two boys were jumping all over things, which was fine until they started yelling at my son who was just trying to walk over there....the mama watched her kid be mean and didn't say one word. Listen I believe in letting kids learn how to handle situations but not when they are 2.5. They need to be shown how to act appropriately. I guess I'm surprised because if I caught my son shaking his finger and telling NOooooo at some other little boy, no sir. No sir.
maybe my mama bear will loosen up.
Who am I kidding ;)

Mother's Day and More.....

Preschool graduation is this Thursday. I’m not prepared….not just emotionally, but I haven’t gotten my girl a present! Shame on mama. I have thought about it over last few weeks, asked her if she ‘wanted’ anything (she had to reach really hard and didn’t come up w/ much), so….I think what I will do is get her a card and put a lot of dollars in it. She LOVES putting money in her bank. Not that we’ve spent it on anything, but for some reason she’s always asking me for coins/money to put in there. The school is schedule to have the program start at 9:00am in the church, over by 10:30am, then we go to her class room for the ‘ceremony’. I’m already a mess thinking about it. They wear caps, etc. for it. It should be super cute. Our old nanny is coming in town to celebrate it with us, along w/ current nanny. So, she will have 3 adults and a child supporting her. YAY! She was so excited when I told her I was going to take the WHOLE day off with her. Lately she’s been so sad when I go to work…coming after me and hugging many times/day, even when I’m just going in my room to get ready. My son too for that matter…..maybe they sense change, or something, I don’t know.


We got the teacher assignment for my son starting in September at the same school my daughter will graduate from. I believe it’s the teacher I requested, but honestly not sure yet. I’ll know when I meet her. I’m glad I went to the open house because I wanted to at least get a ‘sense’ of the teachers and see who I might connect w/ the best and who would be best for my son. Considering he is still not using words other than to say “mamamamama” to get someone’s attention…..although he is using many sounds and starting to say consonants. He also created some new ‘signs’ for communicating. He takes his hands and taps them on the chest when he wants to say, “yes, me too”….”or “I like that too”. He does it a lot when we are reading books…for example, we’ll see water, ocean, sand and I’ll call it a beach and he taps himself so I’ll say, “you like the beach too?”…and he’ll say “uh”..(that means yes). He is in speech therapy twice a week now but when we took him to Dr. not long ago she said that by three if he is still not using words, he should be doing intensive therapy 5 days/week. We’ll just have to see. Also, if he’s still not making much progress into the Fall we will need someone who will be very supportive of him/us at school. I’m nervous about thinking about having him start school. He’s well….my baby. Oh dear as I’m typing this my eyes are starting to well up. I continue to be amazed at how much emotion comes out of me when I’m not expecting it when I think about my kids. My heart is just pre-aching for him because he’s never been in a setting without someone he knows like me or nanny.


Don’t tell but I am typing this in word at work because I just want to use a computer keyboard and screen!


Mother’s Day: Early in the morning both kids were up and for some reason both ended up in my lap in the rocking chair. We were watching cartoons and in my mind I said, ‘that’s all I need right here’. It’s not often I get to have both of them snuggling w/ me…at the same time!! I also got some really beautiful flowers from my good friends in Boston (they send some every year) and the nanny had made a gigantic card w/ the kids w/ their handprints and decorations. They also got me some blue-ish hydrangeas. Smelled very nice. My girl kept saying “happy mother’s day, I love you SO SO much”. And when we went to bed, after our talk, she says, “Happy mother’s night!”. It was sweet…..however our day was a bit grouchy if I’m honest…I think I slept too much because nanny was there so I was able to take a nap. Sounds like a great gift, however when my sleep is off and I try to nap to make up for it, I end up feeling worse than if I had just stayed up. Why is that? I always think I’ll ‘catch up’ or something and it doesn’t work out that way…..but I just can’t resist peace, and quiet, and my nice bed. I think the kids sensed my grouchiness/tiredness, and they responded in kind. My son has become so sensitive also….if I get irritated and yell because of whatever two year olds do, he starts crying these big tears and runs into another room. As soon as that happens I catch myself and realize I’ve hurt his feelings…..I go after him and say son, I apologize for X (of course only if I did something wrong) and tell him I’m sorry and give him a hug. I want to teach them that no one is perfect, even mama…..and it’s about how you try and resolve something when you know you didn’t do a good job. I hope some of that is sticking.






My awesome flowers and for dinner my girl set the table ALL BY HERSELF to celebrate mother's day.


In not such great news...I’ve recently had another health scare……still not sure what the root cause is yet but I’m still in process of figuring it out and what to do. Rewind--I had a colonoscopy last Monday May 8th because of having some irritable bowel symptoms, change of habits, etc. I take no chances with that kind of stuff. My mom died of carcinoid cancer (gastrointestinal tumors) and anything strange in that arena I’m on it. I had the procedure Monday afternoon (the prep Sun and Mon not super fun with not being able to eat and drinking this mix the night before and morning of to ‘cleanse’) and they used an anesthesia. I stayed home Tuesday, and back to work on Wednesday. Well, when I went back to work I noticed some tingling and numbness in my face, hands, and feet. It was pretty strong and very noticeable. In addition to that, I just felt “off”. I started researching internet and nothing good came up that didn’t scare the heck out of me….I figured I’d wait until Thursday to see if I felt any better. The symptoms were still there. I decided to email my neuro dr. and say hey, I know I have a follow up scheduled in June, BUT….here’s what’s happened….these weird, scary symptoms, etc.. They at least emailed back and asked if I had any kind of seizure activity (no) or blacked out (no)….and if not, just follow up w/ Dr. who did the procedure because most likely it is effects from anesthesia. SO, I called the gastroenterologist who did procedure and he was NO HELP. He basically said ‘I’ve done thousands of these, never heard of that, don’t know what to tell you, if still having symptoms call next week and I’ll give you a neuro referral’. Gee….thanks for the concern..I’m already a step ahead of you. I emailed my neuro back that I got no response and I’m still today having these sensations……..and got no response yet. Of course I’m freaked out I have some neurological disorder because since 2015 I’ve just had a lot of weird stuff….things got stuck in my throat more (difficulty swallowing), my benign bleph.arosp.asm in my eyes, the tinnitus in my ears, etc.. Now…I do need to point out that all of this started after I had that terrible dentist experience in December of 2014 where he shot my nerve and it zinged in my face (2 times he did that) and I ended up w/ half of a numb face/tongue for a few months. Maybe he did some damage….? Maybe that created an exacerbation of something? Maybe it’s unrelated?? SO, I did some more research and think I want to see a new neurologist, in fact researched and found one that I booked an appointment for—but earliest available is in JULY! The one I saw was OK, but given this experience I’m not sure he’s taking what’s going on seriously, or if he has the interest to dig further to see if there IS anything that ties this all together. I’m a little torn, though, because frankly up until this recent issue, things have been status quo w/ the original symptoms I went to him for and he told me that if things change, or new things develop we could do some more testing at any point. I guess will see if he responds and go from there. To say that this stuff is stressful is an understatement….my mind SWIMS with worry about the what ifs…..I kinda feel like I’m chasing down different things like the gastro doc, etc. and nothing is coming up at all on any tests. My MRI’s are showing ‘normal’, etc.. So on one hand I’m thankful nothing’s been diagnosed, but on the other had I have tremendous worry that something will. The other thing that’s hard is not really having a partner in crime to share this with. I did try sharing it with my old nanny Amy and while it was good to ‘let it out’, she had mentioned she had a friend w/ neuro issues and would ask her what her symptoms were….I said fine, as long as she didn’t say it was me. We know mutual people that I didn’t want gossip started. Anyway, when she called me to say she had talked to this woman she mentions, oh yeah, I told her your symptoms and said you XYZ. I said hold up, you said it was me? Then she paused and realized…..and apologized of course, but really what that made me feel was JEEPERS……can I not trust you? It was a simple request to not say anything like I asked?? At end of day I know she was only trying to help, but what it did was make me feel more isolated like I just don’t want to share anything! Oh, and I was not selected for the job I interviewed for (my co-worker got it) BUT….it was ultimately good news because they are creating a second position that they want me to interview for. They said I interviewed really well and think I would be a good add to their skillpool and would like to see me come into the team. So, the news was actually pretty good…..made me actually take a big sigh of relief…..although at the end of the day, if something doesn’t work out in the company I am open to find something at a new company. As you can see a lot on my mind. Now that I took the time to write it all out there is a lot happening for me…..my baby is graduating pre-k, my job situation is in limbo, health concerns, not completely saying NO to a move, although I still prefer to stay put….my sister and I have had a ‘regression’ of sorts. I didn’t go into detail but with the property up north, we have a buyer that wants to go through independent sale….that means we had to go to property one last time to get any sentimental items, etc..by the way this is where my mom’s ashes were spread on the island and where we went every summer growing up. We actually called it ‘Up North’…..and now it’s being sold. AND….I asked my sister/brother if they were going to go up one last time. I’m located very far from there and didn’t plan on making the trip. They told me no. Well, when talking to my sister about a month ago she just mentions….oh yeah, when we went up north…..I said, ummmm what?! You (and my brother) went up and didn’t think to tell me you were going….or ask me if I wanted anything etc…..really? Her response was she really wasn’t thinking about anyone else (no kidding). I got so emotional I just hung up the phone and said I couldn’t speak. Long story short at Easter she mailed the kids some stuff and in the box were the two glasses I had asked about were still there. She got them and didn’t say anything. Even when I got so upset about how things were handled…didn’t even then say, hey sorry, see you are upset, etc..I did actually got and found the glasses you were wanting. Things have been tense since then. She hasn’t called to explain, apologize, acknowledge, take any accountability for her actions, etc.. and this is a pattern of behaviour. Whenever something happens, whether caused by her behaviour or not, just goes into hiding and doesn’t communicate. We’ve talked briefly a few times and it’s just been tense, and she talks/acts as if nothing has happened. I’m really frustrated about this because we were making good progress there for awhile….first the crappy visit this past Christmas, then this……. Frankly w/ all else I have going on, I don’t have the energy to put into it right now. I’m feeling lonely as it is…..a few stumbles with the person I talk to the most—Amy--, not really talking to my sister, my other close friends are not located here……


 I’ll end on a few positive notes because even w/ all the craziness I don’t feel like things are out of control or that bad…..I guess I just kind of keep it movin and don’t stop to reflect. Last post I mentioned trying harder to get connected with mom circles. The DAY I posted that an email came out from the neighbourhood organizer about a ‘kinder crew’ meeting for this Friday!! I responded right away and said yes, that would be great to meet new folks. So, will see how that goes on Friday. Thanks universe.
And....
Two pictures from Easter...my son was loved the bunny--they had a big East party in our neighborhood. And my girl got her face painted with nothing other than a bunny on her forehead!

Mom Friends

I really do like typing on a keyboard so much better. I am in need of a new laptop, mine is so old they are no longer supporting the operating system (oops). So, I’ve done a few posts typing into my phone directly onto the blog site, but the screen is so tiny if I want to see all of my words…….basically all that to say I miss the app when it worked. It was so easy to just type and post pics. I just need to get on w/ it and buy a new laptop.

Lots of interesting things I’ve been thinking about lately….making new mom friends, kindergarten in the fall, job stuff, how I’m feeling……where to even begin.

Making new mom friends---I’ve learned that this is sort of like dating. They aren’t always going to work and you have to try a lot out. For some reason I had envisioned that once you had kids you just gravitated towards others w/ kids and you instantly became friends because of it.  That is SO not true. I actually don’t have any mom friends with kids my daughter’s age, and only one mom friend (who I used to work with) that has a son my son’s age…although we see each other maybe once a month.  We did have the family that lived not that far from our house w/ the 4, 2, and baby…..the mom had gone through IVF as well so I thought great, a lot in common.  It was strange, but we just never ‘clicked’. We’d see each other at the park sometimes, or at different events in the area and it was always kind of a hey, how’s it going, what’s going on your house, but never really more than that. Very casual.  I think our biggest disconnection was she was a stay at home mom…..she had her kids in all kinds of things….on those fronts we didn’t connect at all.  And they recently moved out of the neighborhood. It was just weird because I had seen them not that long ago and we were talking about kindergarten, etc..and she said I should let her know if I hear anything about registration, and next thing you know there is a sign on their front yard. Oh well.

And now that I’ve decided I don’t want to move anywhere….I want to just stay put for awhile even if that means going to another company, I need to start trying more to make new friends.

SO, I was so proud of myself because a few months ago I ran into a mom at the park and struck up a conversation w/ her and her husband….she has a daughter going to the same school/kindergarten as my girl. I also remembered her from the pool last summer, she was very pregnant w/ her third. She told me about a lady that was organizing a ‘kinder-crew’ for the kids in the neighbourhood going into kindergarten at our school. I said great! And she forwarded me her email and the organizers email. Well….I emailed both of them back.  I heard nothing from either.  I emailed the organizer a second time just to ask if she was the right person and she at least responded that she was busy, but will include me in any events coming soon. I emailed the mom again too and gave my number…I’m sure the mom w/ the 3 kids has her hands full…not sure she was a stay at home mom, but she seemed so nice so I was disappointed not to hear back again.

I find that I am really envious of the people who still have their best friends from a long time ago, or families that live around each other, and have babies at the same time…..basically built in mom friends. I just had none of that. When I had my girl, all of my friends were from work and they were single too, except one friend had older kids. Of course once you have children things change w/ now having schedules, etc.. And not having my mom around, or really close family there have been times where it’s been really lonely.  

I started reading articles and researching about building community, etc as a single parent and at least feel better that feeling lonely is VERY common.  I don’t dwell on it that much, of course, because I have a lot to be grateful for……I just would like to have a new friend I connect with that has kids the same age as mine too. Don’t think that’s too much to ask!

I heard over and over from friends, ‘once they get into school, you will start meeting new people’. Yes, that is true. However, our preschool experience was interesting that way because a) I didn’t do drop/off and pick up where most conversations would start and b) when I did go to events, the parents really stuck to themselves…I didn’t see much bonding or interaction at all w/ the parents. I think I talked about this before but I found it so weird. I even tried a few times w/ some parents to strike up conversation and I could only get a few sentences. We also did go to a couple birthday parties we were invited to and I spent most of my time shepherding my children around. Birthday parties w/ a 4 and 2 year old are not relaxing or conducive to adult conversation.

I realize a lot of people have husbands, family around, friends from their lifetime and frankly, just don’t want/need to make new friends.  That’s not me so I’m going to have to be more proactive in finding ways to meet them.  I’ve thought about a moms group, but for some reason I just don’t want to do that. I remember years ago I went to a SMC event and while it was nice to go, I didn’t connect w/ anyone, was chasing around my crawler, and found that most of them had known each other for a long time and really stuck w/ themselves.

 

Maybe when she starts kindergarten it will be different…..maybe when she starts soccer this summer, etc..it will be different…..and just like in dating, you never know when you are going to meet the right one!

4 going on 34

Sometimes I have to remind myself my girl is only 4. Well, she'll tell you she's 4 and a half!
I continue to be amazed at how she picks up concepts, verbalized things, and is just plain hilarious sometimes.
Here's an example of her way beyond her years.....this past weekend my son was pretty cranky. He was fussy, didn't know what he wanted, wanted what he didn't have. He is two!! Well, I had the two of them sit in their chairs at the kitchen table for snack and  you would have thought I said he couldn't eat. He wailed and wailed pointing to the other chair. Clearly the one I put him in wasn't right. By that time I was tired of the cranky and needed to just calm down so I took a deep breath and walked towards my room.
My girl hopped out of her chair, came over to me and said "mama I know you are mad. But....all he wants is to sit in the other chair. If he sits there I'm sure he'll be fine".
I paused and quickly realized my 4 year old was handling a situation better than I was. But then I was  just amazed because clearly she recognized my emotion, tried to come up with a solution and verbalized it. What felt like a big parenting fail turned into me just being proud my girl.
Maybe I am doing something right.
She's very big into talking to resolve conflict. Whenever she feels she was wronged or something isn't right she says mama, can we talk? I always say sure because I want her to know that I always listen to her point of view. I may not agree and I explain to her that she might not like what I say but we can always talk about things.

She's has also been saying the most awesome things to hear as a mom--like:
--mom, you are the best mom ever!
--mom you cook the best meals
--I want you to be my mom forever
--I'm riding with the two in the trailer and we are going up a hard hill. I say let's cheer mom on and she yells out  'mom I know I can count on you"!
--I just love you SO much

I do not know what's turned this on, but it warms my heart so much. I kinda want to get a video of her saying all these wonderful things for playback when she's a teenager and I'm sure she won't think I'm as cool.

I've been getting so many hugs and kisses....it's just been wonderful.

And my son has turned into a kissing monster. He's learned how to kiss where it's not slobbery,  it's a real kiss with a peck and kiss sound. He even air kisses. It is just beyond cute he'll catch my eye from across the room and just give me an air kiss. I air kiss back. Just love.....
He will be sitting at the table and I'm at the sink doing something. He'll stop eating, jump out of his chair and come over and kiss my leg, hug me, then run himself back up to his chair.
Unprompted kisses and hugs all day long.

It's just been a love fest at our house and it's been so awesome.

They of course still have their moments but they have been playing more and more together...well, she bosses him around regularly but he doesn't seem to mind and if he does, he just walks away like he can't hear her. Completely ignores. It's kind of funny because she just keeps asking him do something and he just half smiles and keeps it movin. He may just be the smartest one in the room even though he's not using his words yet.
Back to speech therapy next week.

I've also done a ton of thinking about my career. I may have another opportunity to move back to Midwest with my current company but I  just still don't think it's right for us.......I think I've come to the realization I just want to stay put right  now. I'm tired. Tired of starting over. I went online to look at housing and nannies etc and I just said ugh . I really don't want to do this.
I posted on a job in another part of our organization where I don't have to move and am waiting to hear about that. I really want to stay w current employer until April 2018 so all of my savings plant etc vests.
So, my plan for now is to try and settle. Try to make this home and not just a temporary stop. I am proud because our neighbor asked us if we wanted to stop by yesterday for a small party. This is the couple to the right if us that have 3 grown kids. Anyway I might have said no but then thought, why not? We went and wouldn't you know I met someone who works at my company and knows someone I went to grad school with. She also had her kids go through the school we are about to start kindergarten and they raved about it. The mom and the 15 year old daughter. For  some reason that made me feel so much better about starting school here.

And darn it I am going to get some curtains and our family photos put up in the wall!