Delay

I have been much delayed in posting. The funny thing is I usually have a variety of posts swimming around in my head, but actually taking the time to sit and write is something I haven't done recently.

Let's just start with some updates.....baby girl is 26 1/2 weeks old--6 1/2 months...getting close to 7 months!!  It's always confusing to me about when to say she is 6 or 7 months old because if she was born in August, she would be 7 months old in March. But since some months have more than 4 weeks, she will technically turn 7 months in February.....so, I usually go by the month anniversary rather than the weeks.  In any event she is getting so BIG! Actually so looooong.  She is wearing 12 mo clothes and some 18 month pants fit her.  She is also starting to get heavy.  We are going to get her 6 month shots next week, so will see how big she's gotten....definitely over 15 lbs.

The things we are working on: cereal and sleep.  She wasn't a fan of cereal when I first tried w/ her several weeks ago.  She spit most out, gagged, and frankly didn't like it in her mouth.  The nanny has been giving her cereal regularly and she now does better w/ actually opening her mouth for it....but still spits most of it out. I just keep feeding her the same spoonful.  We try for about 10 minutes (okay maybe 5 if she keeps turning her head), so I just don't want to force it. When she wants more, she'll eat more.  We are also wanting to give her 6 ounces instead of 4. I got the next level up nipple and that seems to help her being able to drink more before falling asleep.....although sometimes she still only eats 4.

The reason for all of this??????? will hopefully help the sleep situation.  Up until a few nights ago, baby girl has still been waking up hungry like a newborn every 2.5 to 3 hours every night....9pm, 12, 3am, and 6am approximately.  If she didn't finish her bottles I would try something else, but she truly has been hungry--and honestly only eating 4 oz at a time, I would expect her to be hungry.
However, just the past two nights she sleep through one bottle feeding.  Last night she fell asleep at 7pm.....woke up at 9:00pm to eat, then didn't wake up until 2:30 am (normally would be midnight), then not again until 7:30am!!  2 five hour stretches...!! WOOP WOOP.  However, since I am used to her waking up it was not restful for me at all.  See, once I feed her I know she is good and content, so I truly relax and sleep as deeply as my body lets me.  But when she didn't wake up on time, I kept waking up looking at her to see if she was waking up too.  It's funny, but I have internally switched to her schedule as well because my body wakes up same as hers.

Needless to say mama is dang tired. AND, once we get a better sleep pattern then next thing I want to work on is transitioning her to the crib.  She has yet to sleep any time in her crib since being a newborn.  Mostly because of her bad reflux I've kept her in the rocky play thing that keeps her at a 45 degree angle--especially because she eats so much at night. She has now become SO used to sleeping/napping in it that I worry about having her sleep flat--especially after a bottle.  She'll play like that, but sleep....ah,....we'll have to see.
It will be necessary soon because she is starting to arch her back and kick her feet and has scooted herself close to being half out of it when she is fussing.  Also, it kind of stresses me out having her in there all scrunched up for long periods of time...since she can't kick her legs out straight....kind of weird it stresses me, but that's how it always has been.

As for the work situation, I am definitely on the hunt for a new job.  I have a new boss as of January and while she is nice, she is a bit more 'involved' in what I am doing, and in many areas I really don't need her to be. I've been a professional for over 10 years now.  I have just started reaching out in my network and I am going to let that play out. I have targeted certain companies and will see how goes.

The other thing I did recently was start a weight program.  It was time.  We get it free at work, but you have to check in w a nurse once a month and walk 35000 steps a week.  I've been bombing on both--so I can do the program for 3 months until they stop paying.  Yes,  I could just start doing the 35000 steps. 
The weight has an online program as well as a mobile app and I really like it.  I was doing quite well for 2 1/2 weeks. Then Friday started a downwards spiral. I had mexican for lunch, then coffeecake at work.  And then another piece and then another piece. I said okay, back on track tomorrow, or saturday.  Well....I don't have ANY groceries...have been planning to go to store for 5 days now and just haven't made it there--anyway, that has lead to a weekend spiral, instead of just a day.  Yesterday I ordered take out veitnamese noodles/egg rolls...not terrible, but volume was big.  Then tonight I was so hungry I ordered pizza and a dessert pizza.  Tonight was the binge...I ate the whole dessert pizza except for one piece---and 3 1/2 pieces of pizza.

I'm disappointed I crashed and burned, but I realized how important it is for me to keep the fridge stocked and keep making food. Remember I mentioned my biggest trigger is eating out and not cooking?
I will get back on track tomorrow.  I was down 7 lbs and feeling pretty good about it.  The other thing I need to work on is I started drinking diet soda here and there again.  I haven't had soda regularly in over a year.  But, I swear the caffeine/drink is crack.  I crave it when I drink it. It is soooo easy to slip back into drinking it, even though caffeine is the worst thing for me to drink as I don't sleep well as it is.

We had a rough weekend.  She was fussy most of Saturday and pretty fussy after 2:30pm tonight.  It stresses me a bit and I eat when I am stressed.  I am also super tired. Today I literally laid on the floor w/ her and just kept giving her toys because that's about how much energy I had....nada.

It's after weekends like this that I wonder how I would manage w/ a baby and a toddler.  I have found that while she has fussy spells, and it is tiring, it is still just her and I.  How would I manage fussy along w/ a toddler running around....and I only have two hands.  Two hands is not enough w/ her sometimes.  I was quite firm on wanting another one lately.....but I still think twice sometimes when we have tough days.

Think that's enough for now.  I still keep reading all of my blogs in my blogroll and enjoy staying caught up w/ everyone.  Even though I hardly comment, I still read almost every day.

Success!!

Baby Girl has discovered her feet.  Even more than that, she been working on chewing her toes for a few weeks now.  She was OH SO CLOSE many many times....she just...couldn't....quite....get it.  Then wouldn't you know just the other day I found her doing this......way to go big girl!

I tried a few times last week to upload a few different pictures but for some reason the website wasn't working properly. Phooey. So instead of just typing my thoughts I put the computer away. And that's why I haven't posted in awhile.

I've been thinking quite a bit about my work situation--the fact that it is unstable--and have started putting some feelers out w/ my network. I want to go back to the industry I came from most likely this year.  I did some digging and I've discovered that I can keep my IVF insurance if I do change employers so I am thrilled--will cost approx 500/month but that's better than full IVF price. I kept thinking that if I left, I would forgo (SP?) that option so felt a little "stuck" because of wanting baby number two.  This is great news because even though it will be more money, it still won't be as much as if I didn't have the insurance.

However, that's not the best news......what I am most excited about is the pressure is off!!  I am not ready now to try and probably won't want to until Sept-Oct.  Until I learned of how I can keep the insurance I was thinking I would have to try asap before I left my current company. 

The other thing I recently did was start w.e.ight.wat.ch.ers last Monday--today is day 7.  My work has a program that pays for it if you check in w/ the nurse once a month and walk 35,000 steps per week.  I'm trying the online version this time and I kind of like it. I thought about attending meetings and it just felt overwhelming trying to figure when I would fit it in w/ the baby.  Now, I just track on my phone and it is easy.  I'm finding it is not hard to stick w/ it if I cook for myself and stop eating out.  That will be a success measure for me, if I can keep cooking on my own. 

I also decided I need to get my body moving--which fits into the program--but even more so I just feel better overall. I need to get some of this weight off and proper eating can only take you so far..... I need to build back muscle.  So, our gym at work is free and I signed up last week. I am thinking I'll go tomorrow at the end of the day.

I also went to the chiropractor this past Friday--took day off of work and it was wonderful.  I haven't been to see him for a long time and my whole body was just 'off'...especially my neck.  He fixed me up good and I do feel better.  The same day I went to the store to see the two jogging stroller options I considered and I fell in love w/ one of them. And it isn't the one that's spelled the same forwards and backwards. Nope. I really really like the one that can be transitioned into a jogger, regular stroller, behind a bike, and behind skiis (which I clearly don't need in the south).  It seems the coolest thing....and yes, it is still super expensive. The store will have a coupon in march, so I will wait until then.

And finally, I had some friends over this past weekend....I am proud of myself. I am an introvert by nature, but my grad school sent an email out asking if anyone in the area would be interested in meeting up w/ a new graduate moving to the city.  I actually said yes, I would.  Not sure what got into me, but I figured, why not? 

We were going to meet at a restaurant on saturday, however, my cat had other plans. He decided to pee on my baby's carseat not once, but TWICE! after I had washed everything after the first time the day before.  He is going to the vet this week because either something's wrong w/ him (he has kidney disease), or I don't know what. I was soooo upset that I thought about my options w/ him. But, that's beside the point.

Anyway, since I didn't have a carseat I asked one of my other friends to meet the girl at the restaurant then come over here to eat.  Then 3 other friends came and it was just fun.  My baby 'performed' by rolling over from front to back and everyone clapped for her. She was eating it up.  She really had a good time w/ all of the attention.....

But today was fussy city.  Take one where you can, right?

I guess I have been busy. I'll have to update on nanny in another post....time to go to bed.

Milestones

BABY GIRL ROLLED OVER!!  AND......SHE ATE HER FIRST CEREAL!

Yesterday was a big day. 

So I was changing baby and put her on her belly in her crib....she had a dress that needed buttoning in the back.  So as I was watching her she started reaching for something....and slowly, slowly she started to roll. It was a bit like slow motion.....arm went out, shoulder started moving towards mattress, body started following shoulder....then WALAH! she was on her back.  I clapped and told her what a big girl she was and smiled at her like crazy. She kind of looked at me like, uh, what's the big deal?

Then, later that night a friend came over and we videoed the cereal experience. I sat in front of her w/ the bowl and put just a little on the spoon. She was sitting in a chair w/ a bib on like a big girl!  For her first spoonful she opened her mouth just a bit when the spoon touched her lips...she let me put the cereal in her mouth...then she sort of scrunched up her face, moved it around with her tongue.....then she swallowed it and her face pinched up like, UGH!  I figured we'd try again and her reaction not much better. Let's just say her faces were hilarious....her belly liking it, not really.  She certainly didn't open wide for more. We quickly stopped the video when her stomach lurched and she gagged--it was definitely time to stop.  And wouldn't you know later she spit up in chunks the cereal I fed her.
Decided that I will wait another week and see how she does later. Perhaps too early. I only tried now because the Dr. said w/ the reflux coming back worse it might actually help her.

Today I decided I wanted more "touch" time with her.  Like I mentioned before she isn't much into cuddling. However, I didn't feel like just looking at her in her cradle or the floor all day and playing w/ her from the sidelines, so I just went for it. And it actually was quite nice!!
I just set her in my lap when we were on the floor and brought toys up to her.  She sat there and chewed for about 10 minutes...that's a long time w/out fussing, arching her back--flinging out her arms, or spitting up.  I did hear her stomach bring up fluid and she swallowed it back down (that's what happens all the time w/ her reflux--hence the reason I leave her in the cradle mostly because it is the only place she doesn't do it constantly), so I did then put her back in cradle.
But...I wasn't done.....later I was watching football and she actually watches the screen a lot when it's on...and just told her she was sitting w/ mama.  So, I brought her up and we both 'hung out' watching the game.  It didn't last too long when she started to get tired, but that's okay.
Progress....it was nice.

Lots going on the work front...I've decided that this year I will probably leave my current company and go back to the industry I came from. Much more stable--the current instability where I am is really starting to bother me. Things do change w/ a baby, right?  My goal was to stay where I am long enough to try IVF #2 because my insurance covers.....but that may not happen.  I don't know yet....I am sooo not ready to try right now.  Maybe in June/July....but I am hoping I can stick it out until then.  I refuse to stay at a place that I am not happy....that is not the case yet. Things are just changing and I don't want to be on the back end and scrambling later if I decide to go. Just thinking ahead. 
My goal is to leave if my gut thinks it's the right thing...and not stay just because of the money I would save for IVF.  And given how frugal I am....that's a hard one.  I don't want to feel pressure to try earlier than I am ready to.

Didn't make it over to the store to try out the awesome baby stroller options today.  Mostly because yesterday I took baby to a big store and she spit up about 8 times when we were there. When her reflux is bad, somehow shopping makes it 10 times worse....so another day.

Still on the verge...maybe a new verge

So I've done a ton more research about what is the 'best' stroller out there and happened to talk to my cousin. She has 4 kids under age of 10 and is a super athlete. She runs marathons and is a gym teacher...so is her husband.  Anyway, she told me about this carrier system they have that can be used with cross country skiis, a jogger, behind a bike, AND as a regular stroller....all in one unit!  Actually another SMC has this as well and has recently posted about how awesome it is.
Well....awesome and EXPENSIVE....the unit is many hundreds of dollars (even way more than the one I was considering), and on top of that you have to buy conversion kits to make it do those different things....as well as the accessories for babies, then toddlers, etc at certain ages.  Seriously a lot of money.  However, the bonus of this, though, is you don't have to buy separate units for stroller, jogger, bike carrier, etc.

I am going to the store this weekend to check out both of the strolling options to see what feels better.  I am not opposed to the investment, but I don't want to spend all of that money and for some reason not use it as I expected to.  The reason for that would be I've remained inactive.  I'm nowhere near as active as my cousin's family, but I'd like to think that I will get back into what I used to love doing....in my spare time I would just jump on my bike and ride.  I stopped that when I got pregnant and really miss it.  I also used to exercise a lot more....go to the gym and do weights, go to one of the big parks w/ a several mile track and walk that, etc..it's been a really long time since I've played sports, but that changed when my back started to hurt more chronically back in 2008...and has since then.

I really need to kick it in gear regarding starting exercising again.  If I am going to lose some of this weight before starting for number 2, I've got my work cut out for me.  I laugh when I think about my idea to start w/ new baby as early as April. That is 3 months from now.  No way.  I'm not ready.  I want to spend more time w/ my little girl--just me and her.  I would also say my body is still getting itself back together after C section.  I know that takes time too.  Also, from the experience I had coming back from the holiday, I realize that is is much more challenging being a great parent when I don't feel well. Let's face it, I WANT to enjoy this time w/ baby girl....and her pregnancy was very tough.
Just not ready yet.

I do feel somewhat better...I went back to work on Tuesday and worked from home today--my usual day to work from home.  I've had lots going on at work and my brain has been stimulated a ton and I've been able to focus on something else. Think that helped.  I dont' feel as fatigued anymore and my energy is slowly coming back.
Heck, I even vacuumed the front living room couches because my one cat loves them.  Leaves much hair....and tonight some vomit.  Nice.

On the Verge

I have done hours of research now and I am on the verge.....of......buying a super expensive jogging stroller. I've been eyeing it since I've been pregnant. I see a ton of them around my city and most reviews I've read seem to be very supportive.  There are some special deals on it now because it is 2012 model, but let's just say it is still hundreds of dollars.
It is the stroller that is spelled the same way forward or backward. 

the pros are: seems to be well built, sturdy, can use for both walking or jogging.  I'd like to think it would motivate me to get out w/ baby girl and start moving.  I hope that it would work better than my idea to rent a treadmill that sits in my spare room collecting dust for last two months....

cons: expensive. Also, if I decide to have another it would be better to have a two stroller, so why to invest now in a single? (But that is little ways away and we all know plans can change)

Will think about it some more and probably place the order....there are free returns :)

Other than that I am still sort of 'recovering' from the holidays.  I did not go into office last Thursday/Fri. I was so fatigued I couldn't due much more than lie in bed for two solid days...and do what I could w/ baby in the evening  This weekend was a little better, but last night I decided that I would take a vacation day today...in the hopes that if I got a few things done and out of the house, I would feel better.
Well, today I rested for several hours this morning....THEN returned an item I've had on my to-do list for a few months, tried a new restaurant, saw a massage place at last minute and they could fit me in...it was nice, and picked up a few things at the store. I think I do I feel slightly better.....
What worries me, though, is I no longer have the ability to just shut down and focus on myself during times like this. It is a big responsibility that seems enormous when I'm not feeling well. 

I'm having a little meltdown about my family...I don't want to get into it too much because I think it got to me more than I want to admit or deal with right now.....let's just say I am realizing that we really are on are own (family-wise) and it feels lonely.  Since my mom passed our family dynamic has changed so much--my grounding, centering, and unconditional love all went with her.  She gave to me in ways that no one in my family is capable of.....I have known this, understand it.....but when you are confronted with it again (like at the holidays), it is hard to accept. It is much more 'real' now that my daughter is here because I just want so bad for her to have that loving grandmother, aunt/uncle, cousin relationship that is so special....but it is not our reality.
For some reason I keep fighting in my mind about the fact my family isn't what I want or need them to be.  Again, this is not new knowledge....I guess perhaps I'm stuck on the fact that I can't change them or the circumstances, and I'm grieving that a bit.
Ultimately I need to fully accept it and discover alternatives.....perhaps I'm not ready to do that because I keep coming up with 'yah buts'....for example, I keep hearing...make your friends your family.
Yah but.....
A lot of my friends are professional and could move away w/ their next assignment
most of them don't have kids, or their children are older
I may not want to be friends w/ them forever

All of this is telling me that perhaps time to go back and see a therapist. If I do, I need to find a new one because I kept giving my last one the benefit of the doubt, but continued to be frustrated that she wasn't challenging me enough to think beyond what I already think.

This is a big lesson for me that when I don't feel well, it's hard to be a great parent.  So, it is critical that I keep myself in the best mental (and physical) shape for us.  I've got some other things I am thinking about to help on the physical side.....I'm realizing that I need to be the one to change circumstances and give myself some goals, or whatever...otherwise I sort of float along (for the most part it works)...but at times like these it doesn't.

Lots of thoughts this evening.....but on lighter note....I had to tell baby girl 'NO' for the first time!!  Some people might not be excited about this, but I was because she was doing something intentionally enough for me to correct her---I do the monthly sticker on the onesie pictures.....she reached down and started crinkling the sticker and trying to pull at it.  Mama had to tell her NO and move her hand away.
I love these moments of growth!

Thank you and some other parenting thoughts

Thank you both for writing your comments....I was so hoping when I wrote this that you both would respond, since you are a bit further along in this 'mom' journey.  I agree with both of you that I do need to at least address it with her....in a kind way.  I will reread the comment posts before I gear myself up to talk to her.  It's more about ensuring the trust continues that anything else. good points.

Also, I've been wondering about a few other things....they stir in my mind and wonder if they are normal?  That's why reading other blogs is so great because I just stumbled upon some comments from a blogger that has a baby similar to mine (when they were talking about attachment parenting).  For some reason reading the comments helped me frame what was bothering me and made me feel better about how things are going w/ my own baby.

Here is an example.....my baby does not like to be held a lot.  When I hold her close (facing me) she even pushes away and cries pretty forcefully.  I love the idea of her falling to sleep on my chest while I am rocking her.  Well, she doesn't like that idea one bit.  She only calms down if we are moving in that position, but just sitting she doesn't want any of it.  She's much more happy to be held if I face her out so she can see what is going on.  Also, she doesn't fall asleep in my arms much....if she's crying she settles down much better if I put her in her cradle to fall asleep, or put her on the floor to kick and play, rather than sit on my lap.
She also doesn't like to cuddle.  If I bring her in bed w/ me in the morning just for "together" time (since she sleeps in a cradle right next to my bed), she usually starts crying a bit.  The only time she really is content, relaxed, and peaceful is when I hold her to feed her.
This was bothering me a bit until I read that someone has a baby just like this--her baby refused to breastfeed, hated cuddling, and slept better alone.  It's funny, I was going along first not really being able to articulate the 'issue', and second assuming it wasn't the way it was 'supposed to be'.

I guess every baby is different. I am assuming some mothers who have babies that have to be held 24/7 would love a baby like mine :)

Also, I have found that organically learning things through motherhood can be difficult.  There are so many times when I finally learn to do something different and I think 'DUH' why didn't I do that before?  But, the idea suddenly spontaneously appears and I seem to have no control over how quickly (or not) it takes. 
Here's an example, when baby girl was around 2 months old I kept thinking boy, I wonder if she's bored. I wonder if I need to be stimulating her more or differently.  Well, wouldn't you know I had a whole box of toys waiting for her in her closet, but didn't think to get them out.  The idea popped in my head one day, Oh, I have a stuffed animal w/ color on it....perhaps I should see if she likes it....and she did.
The same thing has happened again now that she is getting bigger.....for some reason it worries me if she gets bored just sitting there and laying on her back so much (on the floor, in the cradle). So much so that I get anxious about it like I'm not doing enough. Silly, I am sure, but that's how I feel. But, I kept thinking should I be doing something more...well, she is old enough now to use an exersaucer. I just don't have one. So the idea finally popped in my head, I should get her an exersacuer.
See what I mean?
It's just strange because I consider myself an intelligent individual, but this kind of learning is harder than academic learning, in my opinion.

I'm thankful I have this blog and can share my thoughts and work through the hurdles....yesterday was a pretty low day. I didn't feel well, was exhausted, wanted to hand over the responsibility of caring for the baby yesterday (feel guilty about saying that) but it's truly how I felt--it didn't help that she was really fussy and cried on and off after nanny left. I honestly was wishing if I had a parent around, or someone who knew how to take care of a baby for over night, I would have taken her.

I have to be comfortable saying that  it's hard sometimes and that's okay to want to break from responsibility.  Perhaps because i've been lucky in that I usually thoroughly enjoy the time I have w/ my baby that when I feel this way, it is unusual....and uncomfortable.  Like I am failing somehow.

All of this is learning.......and it's okay for it to not be all smooth sailing!!

What to do

I'm a little irritated right now.  I stayed home from work because not feeling well. Last few days I have felt this overwhelming fatigue....like I could sit in a chair all day, stare at something, and it would be fine.  It has taken a lot of effort to just 'get goin'. I feel like I don't have energy for anything. Not sure where this is coming from.....if maybe I am fighting something, or if it is just recovery from the extremely stressful trip back to midwest?
Anyway, last night I decided I would stay home today and spend to the day in bed to see if that would help.
And I have.

However, that is not why I am irritated.  Here's the issue....remember the nanny problem w/ warming bottles in the micro even after we discussed?  I think she still uses the microwave to warm the bottles.  I walked out of my room just now into the kitchen and the digits on the micro were flashing...that means it was recently used. And guess what? She was feeding the baby.  I looked to see if she had anything next to her....she did have a cup, but not sure if it was warm or not.

Given how the confrontation went last time, I'd prefer not to address directly.....so what I did say when she spoke to me was, "So the warming the bottles in the microwave is going well?"....she said yes.

My options are to 1) make an issue out of it or 2) let it go.  Is this a big enough deal to where I draw the line so firm that if she does it, I will fire her?  There are so many other positives about her and this seems to be the only sticking point we have.
I don't know if I'm willing to let her go just yet and start this process all over again.....that stresses me out more than to just let it go.....

Any advice from others?