On the Verge

I have done hours of research now and I am on the verge.....of......buying a super expensive jogging stroller. I've been eyeing it since I've been pregnant. I see a ton of them around my city and most reviews I've read seem to be very supportive.  There are some special deals on it now because it is 2012 model, but let's just say it is still hundreds of dollars.
It is the stroller that is spelled the same way forward or backward. 

the pros are: seems to be well built, sturdy, can use for both walking or jogging.  I'd like to think it would motivate me to get out w/ baby girl and start moving.  I hope that it would work better than my idea to rent a treadmill that sits in my spare room collecting dust for last two months....

cons: expensive. Also, if I decide to have another it would be better to have a two stroller, so why to invest now in a single? (But that is little ways away and we all know plans can change)

Will think about it some more and probably place the order....there are free returns :)

Other than that I am still sort of 'recovering' from the holidays.  I did not go into office last Thursday/Fri. I was so fatigued I couldn't due much more than lie in bed for two solid days...and do what I could w/ baby in the evening  This weekend was a little better, but last night I decided that I would take a vacation day today...in the hopes that if I got a few things done and out of the house, I would feel better.
Well, today I rested for several hours this morning....THEN returned an item I've had on my to-do list for a few months, tried a new restaurant, saw a massage place at last minute and they could fit me in...it was nice, and picked up a few things at the store. I think I do I feel slightly better.....
What worries me, though, is I no longer have the ability to just shut down and focus on myself during times like this. It is a big responsibility that seems enormous when I'm not feeling well. 

I'm having a little meltdown about my family...I don't want to get into it too much because I think it got to me more than I want to admit or deal with right now.....let's just say I am realizing that we really are on are own (family-wise) and it feels lonely.  Since my mom passed our family dynamic has changed so much--my grounding, centering, and unconditional love all went with her.  She gave to me in ways that no one in my family is capable of.....I have known this, understand it.....but when you are confronted with it again (like at the holidays), it is hard to accept. It is much more 'real' now that my daughter is here because I just want so bad for her to have that loving grandmother, aunt/uncle, cousin relationship that is so special....but it is not our reality.
For some reason I keep fighting in my mind about the fact my family isn't what I want or need them to be.  Again, this is not new knowledge....I guess perhaps I'm stuck on the fact that I can't change them or the circumstances, and I'm grieving that a bit.
Ultimately I need to fully accept it and discover alternatives.....perhaps I'm not ready to do that because I keep coming up with 'yah buts'....for example, I keep hearing...make your friends your family.
Yah but.....
A lot of my friends are professional and could move away w/ their next assignment
most of them don't have kids, or their children are older
I may not want to be friends w/ them forever

All of this is telling me that perhaps time to go back and see a therapist. If I do, I need to find a new one because I kept giving my last one the benefit of the doubt, but continued to be frustrated that she wasn't challenging me enough to think beyond what I already think.

This is a big lesson for me that when I don't feel well, it's hard to be a great parent.  So, it is critical that I keep myself in the best mental (and physical) shape for us.  I've got some other things I am thinking about to help on the physical side.....I'm realizing that I need to be the one to change circumstances and give myself some goals, or whatever...otherwise I sort of float along (for the most part it works)...but at times like these it doesn't.

Lots of thoughts this evening.....but on lighter note....I had to tell baby girl 'NO' for the first time!!  Some people might not be excited about this, but I was because she was doing something intentionally enough for me to correct her---I do the monthly sticker on the onesie pictures.....she reached down and started crinkling the sticker and trying to pull at it.  Mama had to tell her NO and move her hand away.
I love these moments of growth!