It's been awhile

I know....it's been awhile since I blogged.  For a few reasons. Mostly because it's been a bit tough and I didn't want this blog to have a 'negative', 'whiny' feel to it. And honestly, I didn't want to hear it from anyone that I need to think differently. I do want to say that there are a lot of good things happening w/ the baby i.e. she is continually growing like she should (sigh!) and things look pretty normal. Last ultrasound showed the bottoms of her little feet. It was really the cutest thing.

Physically: I am now at 19 weeks.  Last check at Dr. I was up 8 lbs. total. Not too bad. Still not showing--just look fatter. I do feel a lot of the "stretching" or ligament pain due to the growth.  My chest has grown and remains sore, mostly at night.  I have a lot of indigestion, acid reflux, heartburn and have been popping tums like no tomorrow. I have had restless leg syndrome several nights which makes sleep pretty tough.  I think the morning sickness might be waning because just this last week I felt a bit better.  I have had some slight swelling in legs/feet if I am on them a lot that goes down after the night. Have had several random headaches (don't normally get them at all).

I think I've figured out that the mental and emotional roller coaster pregnancy can create is not for wusses. This takes some guts and perseverance.

Things I've been thinking about:
1) For some reason it is still hard for me to grasp that I will have a baby at the end of this. I don't know if it's still because I can't feel her yet and/or don't have a big 'ole bump? They tell me she's there but it's hard to relate since I haven't experienced her yet other than seeing her on the monitor. I wonder if other first time moms feel that way?
2) I still worry about whether she is ok, is she going to be fully healthy? Have I done what I can?
3) Where am I going to live? Based on how I feel about #4, I don't want to get tied up in buying something, but finding the 'right' rental has proven to be somewhat difficult as well. And when I am not sure what to do, I do nothing. Hence, I am still in my 1 bedroom apartment in my 5th month of pregnancy.
4) It's been tough to focus on my career and have passion/interest for it. This is not new for me.  I had similar feelings awhile back when my mom passed--my whole perspective changed--and took 10 months off to figure out my life.  Since nothing else screamed to me (besides pursing motherhood which clearly I am) I ended up going back to my profession, back in the city I left, and have done it again for about a year.  At first, new company--very exciting. Being back in my city--felt peaceful.  But lately (last few months) my thoughts have wandered again.  Is this really want I want to do?  I know that baby will change how I think as well.  It truly is tough to be in a space of not being content. I have not questioned once my decision to choose the path of motherhood, but I continuously evaluate what I do for my career.  It's been about 10 years that I've been in it, and it may just a factor of ready to do something different. But, I have to say the salary, benefits, etc. is very lucrative and it would be hard to walk away from that. I live a very good life from it.
Still processing what I think about all of this.
5) I worry if some of my feelings are related to depression creeping in.  I have had several lows that I don't normally have.  Thankfully I have bounced back, but they have confused me and worried me. Medication has always been able to keep things working well. But, obviously I've never been pregnant before.  Maybe this is just another facet of pregnancy that is just more complicated for me given my history.  Just not sure.

I think items 1-5 truly occupy most of my mental space. Most every day.  I am thinking it would be good to get an outside opinion so I am going to schedule an appointment w/ my counselor.  I do want to find a new one, but surprise I don't have the energy for that right now.

Overall, I can say without a doubt that I am glad I am on this path to motherhood.  I can also say without a doubt that I was completely unprepared for the physical and emotional toll it would take. But, even w/ all that said, I wouldn't change my mind. I am moving in the direction that is right for me.