In my feelings

As I sit here I'm really in my feelings....what I mean by that is I've got all kinds of emotions, with some of them just really hard to describe.

Last night we went to the JR High for the incoming 6th Grade curriculum night for my son. My SON. Like literally how did we get here?  3 years ago when my daughter started 6th grade it was all new, big learning curve, lots of changes...but I think through that transition I've been comforted by the fact that I still had a kiddo in elementary--so, still had little kids. And now? It's all changing. (While we were walking around, we were meeting up with some of the teachers my girl had. For theater, I introduced my son to the director and said it was my girl's little brother....they look nothing alike but she attempted to say she could see 'some' resemblance. Uh, no haha). This is the 'hard to describe' feeling because my brain wasn't accepting that it's almost his turn to go there. Like something felt 'off' because we have always been at that school for my girl, not my son. And then of course this means its the last year I have a child in elementary. I've always struggled with transitions and changes. But this truly is hitting me like holy crap. We are totally entering a new phase--no more elementary. And right now I'm just talking about the elementary to middle school.....just wait until my girl is also starting high school this fall. I haven't even begun to process that yet. I think it's when I'm with that child at their new school that it starts to sink in.....

I know they don't stay little. I get it. It goes fast, enjoy it....I know I know. But there's been drastic change in my girl from 6th-8th grade. She is now 5'7" (still wants to be taller than me at 5'9"), and she went from a straight, long-limbed little kid to a curvy older kid right in front of my eyes. She looks so different from starting 6th to right now. And it's now about to happen for my son. He's currently 5'1", so he's not far behind. His head still fits under mine when we stand up and hug, but when that growth spurt hits.....

Maybe I just need to allow myself this moment to be unsettled and maybe a bit sad. The whole point of having children is to raise them right, support them, love them...I do all that. But the emotional part of all of the changes you go through with your kids as a parent, no stage have I really been prepared for. For me, it's a lot of hindsight, living through all of it...then sorting out my feelings upon reflection. When you are in the middle/day to day you just run. Then, once in a while things hit you like when my son gets on the bus and he's so big compared to the little girl in first that gets on with him. That I now walk past the baby/toddler/little kid/jr section of clothing at stores to get the the women's section for the medium my daughter wears now. And my son is on the verge of going past boys sizes at XL, 

Maybe I should have read more books about what to expect raising them. How my feelings would grow and change and adapt with the different stages we've lived so far. That there will be a lot of love mixed in with a lot of hilarious things, grinding days, exhausted moments, and all the things. Parenting is such a journey....I had no idea the bus I was getting on when I decided to have kids on my own. Maybe most people dont. I do know that I wouldn't change it. It's exactly what I want to be doing.

Ok, as a followup to Christmas my sister did make it. She really was sick for a few days. Emotionally it was ok for both of us. She recovered enough to go buy a car she desperately needed. I did feel like we got to step out of the rat race of practices, bus schedule, school work, etc. to just be. The kids went on a ton of bike rides and we just decompresed. Overall it was good. And now we are back in again....this past week my girl had 1 basketball game and 3 tournament games, my son had a game, she had theater, etc. etc. etc..

Something else I'm in my feels about is the remodel. I completely shut it down right before the holidays so we could just have some decorations and try to enjoy. After the holidays I've drug my feet some because change is hard--and I can't make a decision on a countertop material, whether to sand the floors, and how much of the ceiling to scrape and re-do. I think I've made some decisions for the ceiling but that entails the contractor completely emptying out our living area-- living room and temporary kitchen I've set up front. There's so much stuff. It entails us being on the verge of getting rid of our beat up sofa, the rust striped rug I've had since 2009, the yellow sofas, the dining bar height table with chairs that have the fake leather coming off, the coffee table I had in my first house. I just have a lot of emotions tied to some stuff...definitely with the sofa. I don't care that the stuffing is coming out and all the flecks of brown fabric keep coming off. I've had it since my daughter was born and it's held a whole childhood of two kids with sicknesses, my son's propped up broken leg, me laying on it when I'm nine months pregnant the night before giving birth to my son, football games, it's the background to many videos....just our lives. And when I look at that couch I feel those things and remember those things. I feel silly, but I also have tears running down my cheeks because it makes me sad thinking about getting rid of it.  Maybe I'll keep some of the beat up fabric.

Lots of emotions and thoughts.....I'll work through it, I always do. 

PS I do appreciate being able to check in on a few blogs I've been reading for years about similar aged kids. We all go through these things, I guess.

It's Xmas-ish

Due to the remodel going on at our house, I knew we weren't going to do much for Christmas decorations--if any at all. I wasn't sure if the plan was still to scrape all the texture from the ceiling, because if that was the case, it made no sense to get everything out. But, my girl wanted at least something so several weeks ago she put up our little 2 ft Christmas tree and put some beads on it. That was the extent of our decorations for awhile. But even I had to say it really didn't seem like enough, and felt like womp womp....SO, this past weekend we all decided we just needed to put our 10 ft tall christmas tree up. We drug it out from the garage in it's red bag, cleared out the space it normally sits in our living room, and got out the ladder to put on the lights. I said absolutely no to ornaments, but since my girl was in the boxes, she also found our stockings, the nativity set, a few christmas figurines, and even Peppermint our elf made a visit. We also hung on our TV entertainment center the cards we got in the mail (which we used to hang on the mantle of the fireplace we don't have anymore replaced with a plastic barrier going across the entire room). 

And NOW, it feels much better and more holiday-ish.

Today is already December 23 and Xmas Eve is tomorrow. I've been working on gift searching and buying for months--I still keep my spreadsheet of everyone and everything, which makes it so much easier to keep track of it all. AND,  I'm SO proud of myself that I was done shopping AND wrapping last Wednesday the 17th-a new record. I was always waiting until Xmas eve to wrap gifts and that just made it so stressful...so, I stopped doing it. And I again outsourced my sister's gift wrapping to my girl.

The holiday itself: we are off to a bumpy start....we decided to have my sister fly down here on the 23-27 using her miles. I tried to call her about plans on Sunday/ all day Monday (yesterday) but silence. Right before a trip is not the time. She finally texted back yesterday some garbled message and 'sick'....so I texted do we need to change or cancel the flight? and she texted back no. Then I got a text this morning that she of course missed her flight and would be arriving 3hours later...right during rush hour. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about this and I'm trying to manage my frustration, disappointment, and annoyance about it all feeling like, 'here we go again'.....I suspect it may not go well when I tell her I'll pay for an U ber to bring her here because it will take over 2 hours round trip to go get her now. I'm just going to take a deep breath and hope for the best. But, I don't even have a dinner planned yet so likely we will order x mas eve dinner from somewhere and just pick it up. It's not like I have a kitchen to cook in anyway.

My hope and intention over the holidays is to have some peace, minimal arguing between everyone since the kids--mostly my son--have ratcheted up already with the provoking, screaming, chasing, etc..and some good moments. I think that's doable.

Happy holidays to all.

The Holidays are upon us

I find myself again sitting in the recliner with so many thoughts going through my head. I've got so many projects going on (just got roof repaired at apartment yesterday), so much to push forward (still sitting here waiting for someone to get texture right so I can keep things going in our house)....getting frustrated that I can't get followup and movement from contractors, etc.. We are in the 6th month of our remodel now and frankly, people can build a new house in this amount of time.

I wanted to follow up from the last post and share that I did indeed finally talk to my sister. I finally just called her because it was clear she wasn't reaching out to me. I expressed my concerns but in summary, I swept it away and chose to just move on. With the exception of....I said she has got to find someone local that can have a key to her house. I just can't go through the " haven't heard anything is she ok" situation again from 18 hours away. So, she agreed that her friend Kelly (that I had forgot about actually) lives about 20 min from her would be the person. She has yet to confirm that but I ask her each phone call.

And we did start therapy with my girl beginning of November. I knew she would not be happy so I chose to wait until the counselor actually confirmed our appointment. She didn't do that until that Friday night before the Saturday we were supposed to go, so then I told her Sat am at soccer that we were heading to therapy afterwards. "Why?!" "I don't need that"...followed some more by whining and "Why?"..... I always answer with, "Therapy is good for everyone" I also wasn't upset about waiting to tell her because I knew this would not be good news to her. The plan was to drop my son at home, but we got delayed after soccer--I ended up letting them get a donut to help the mood....and we all headed over there. She was still complaining in the car so I asked my son to tell her about it....and he told her hey, it's not that bad. (Internally I was clapping that that is what he said).

In summary, it went well.....she of course was quite nervous at first so I went in with her....over the course of the appointment I could tell she was relaxing step by step....fidgeting with her hands slowed down, she started answering with sentances instead of one word, and by the end, she was talking in multiple sentences. That is my tell tale sign she is more comfortable. The other thing that helped so much was the therapist met her where she was. Acknowledging she knew my girl didn't want to be there....and acknowledging that for anxiety doing breathing exercises just doesn't work for her, etc...and that, I think, helped my girl understand what she was thinking and feeling was ok. We are headed back tomorrow for appointment 2, so will see how it goes.

I truly have been wrapped up deeply in pushing the remodel/rental apt things forward. It takes a ton of followup, persistence, money, patience, phonecalls, texts, etc.. that it takes most of my days. however there were some things I thought about that I wanted to share:

--Phase one of braces is a joke (for us).  Both my girl and my son had it (cost around $2500 each?) and wouldn't you know my son's canines on the top are growing out through the side of his gums. I took a picture and sent it to the ortho and they were like oh, don't worry we'll address in phase 2. Isn't the point of phase one to make space so there's room for teeth to grow in properly? When we went to the dentist a month ago I asked her the same question on Phase 1, i.e. why? and she said well, it doesn't always help all the teeth and it's better than it would have been. C'mon. I Feel like its a total scam. An expensive scam.

--Speech therapy is not quite a joke, but I wonder what in the heck they were doing the last 3 years. My son is in speech at school because of his Z's and S's. They come out sounding like "th".About a month ago he and I were talking and I said hey, make a snake sound....at first he couldn't do it...but after trying a few times he did it! I heard him properly say an S! It was so exciting! So he went back to speech and showed his teacher. She noted it was much improved, although he makes the S sound with his toungue going down, instead of up. Apparently some kids do that? But I was just thinking....all I did was ask him to do a snake and he did it. What was he doing in therapy all that time?

--I met up with 2 women who were previous coworkers of mine-from different times of my career-for lunch. It was great to catch up and talk shop since my brain had let that go several years ago. However, I found myself sitting back, listening to all the drama that was happening, all the stress they are living with, some self-imposed, how wrapped up they are in it....and I was left thinking....holy cow that was me, that's really unhealthy, corporate america teaches you that nothing you do is ever enough...you find yourself always looking forward....going for that next promotion, that next project, that next level of XYZ, wondering if what you are doing is good enough, it's very competitive, and overall, not good for single parents or your mental health. I am SO GLAD I am not working for 'the man' right now.

--I feel disgruntled with how single moms are discussed on many reality shows. For example, it seems like when someone talks about their life story and says how when they were raised by a single mom, it's usually a story about struggle and perseverance. She worked 3 jobs, I never saw her, she was gone all the time working, I know she loved me but missed out on my activities at school, we had no money, etc.. Now, don't misinterpret that I'm trying to negate their stories...it was just an observation of mine that rarely do you hear about someone saying, hey I was raised by a single mom, we didn't struggle financially, I had everything I needed, she was a stay at home mom sometimes while growing up, she came to all of my events, we owned our home, etc... Because that's how our life is. I worked so I could be financially independent, have choices, raise my kids the way I wanted to raise them. I get that our experience is not the norm....but is it so rare that you don't hear really anyone talking about how great it was to be raised by a single mom without all the struggle? I am really curious to hear someday from my kids what are they going to say, what do they think when they look back on how they grew up? What will their story be? 

Okay, out of my thoughts and on to getting back to my day. We are preparing for the holidays....we were just invited by a friend I've known since grad school to her house for thanksgiving. We are going to go there and likely order a meal you can take home and bake. Neither of us are cooks, so that works for me. Also, Christmas has been up in the air because a) my house is a mess I don't want drywall dust in the tree and b) my sister may not come for christmas because of all the crap she is dealing with. She asked about us flying up there, I thought a few minutes about it, but wow the flight cost. And, I just don't know if I have the energy for all that. So, if she doesn't come here that might be ok because I don't want a repeat of last year's challenges with the unpredictable nature of how a visit can go. I think I'll just see what my girl will be comfortable doing (meaning what can we do so she doesn't feel jipped) because she really is the holiday person in the house. My son doesn't care too much, and this year....if we didn't decorate at all, I'd be ok....but I will do it if they want to, for sure.

Happy Holidays to you all.....

Happy Halloween!

I likely was sitting just like this last year on Halloween....in the recliner, in the living room, wondering what I'm going to do w/ myself for the next few hours. I just dropped both my kiddos off at separate boy and girl friend parties where they are group trick or treating. They are still not too old for it at 11 and 13. Given how much my girl likes candy, she'll still be out there as an adult. I scored on my son's costume this year he wanted to be a devil, no idea why....so we found one over 50% off and was 20 bucks. Not bad at all! My girl went as an F.B. I agent, I guess the group of them were going as a movie bunch. All she wanted was a white t-shirt, and made her own badge, had her own sun glasses. Easy peasy.

On one hand I'm excited I don't have to corral them, at high anxiety because of all the cars/people (safety is very anxiety provoking for me)...having to walk them all through the neighborhood letting them get candy I don't really want them to eat....but then it's like....here I sit.  I 'could' walk with the group of boys, they are in our neighborhood, but maybe I'm feeing a bit anti-social. I'm just coming off being sick w/ respiratory bug and not 100%.....so, I'll let it be. Maybe I'll meet up w/ the group later, I did that last year. My son's got the watch so that always eases my stress of wondering where they are. A few adults are already walking with them....they definitely still need supervision at 11. Some boys in his group, well, one in particular, is a bit of a punk. Matias.....3rd child, smart mouthed, argumentative, etc.. they don't play a lot together, which is good, because my son is always telling me about "Guess what Matias did today?"

The other thing on my mind is that I've just been in a stressful time....my kitchen is still ripped apart, my apartment was listed for rent, got a new tenant within a day (yay), and for the last month have been preparing the apartment. Needed all new blinds, touch up paint, the ceiling drywall was cracking so had to have contractor bid and fix it, etc.. so total to turn it around this time is about $1500 plus one month rent to the realtor. I also had no idea how bad the windows were...it is an apartment above a 2 car garage, built in 1950 or 60 and a few window have holes, major cracks, etc. Have not been operable since I owned it....so got a quote to get new windows. It's been a LOT of stuff. I was there yesterday because the paint didn't match on the ceiling so got myself up and down the ladder rolling it on. So sore today. I will for sure hire that out next time, the contractor offered a week ago but I thought it would be easier/cheaper to do myself. It wasn't. My mistake. Another mistake is the new tenant asked for a countertop dishwasher. Never even knew they existed....and I said I would provide one. Why???? In my head it was because I was hoping to make her love the place and want to stay longer than a year....at the time I saw in her history she stayed at her last place for 6 years....I would love a tenant to stay more than 1 year. I've had yearly turnover for a few years now and it really is a lot of work when they move out. Not to mention very costly. Driving over there a second time last night to deliver the blinds was the first time in all of owning the bungalow w/ the garage apartment I thought...is this worth it? Do I really want to keep doing this? Can I physically keep doing this? As an example, yesterday I was going to lug up the very heavy box w/ the dishwasher to the second floor and thankfully my re-key locksmith who I've used for years was nice enough to do it for me. Of course.....I know I'll keep it for now....I really do love the place....but it really is a lot of work when someone moves out. And honestly if I sell it a builder will come, knock it down, and build a monster. I don't want it! Save the bungalows!

Also, lately things have been challenging w/ my girl. She doesn't communicate very much. Also, when she's exhausted she turns inward and that's what I think is happening. This theater gig she does for school is starting to be outrageous. The amount of hours the director has them do is like adding a part time job on top of the regular school day. It's too much! She's only 13! We had a four day weekend this month and Friday 9-4, Saturday 9-4, and Monday 9-4 they had to go to school/theater. Are you serious?  Thankfully the show ended this past weekend so she/we finally get a break. But, I totally get she's just burned out, but I feel like we only talk in the, "hey did you brush your teeth?"....."any homework due tomorrow".....like I haven't had a real conversation with her in a long time. We've been butting heads about a lot of things too. For example, she finally had a day in a few months that she could go biking w/ her friends. Great. However, I called and told her when she needed to come home. She said ok. Then didn't.....so when she got home I was frustrated with her. She just couldn't understand the ONE day she got to hang w/ her friends why I was upset with her. I don't think she got that of course the biking wasn't the issue....it was her still having to follow the rules. Also, she's been backtalking a lot. Now, I know she's a new teenager, so that just may be how it is.....but I think my issue is I feel disconnected. We live together, but pass by each other with all of her activities and her tendency to not verbalize very much. I try starting conversations, especially in the car when taking her/picking her up like asking how's school: Fine. Hey babe, how was theater: Fine. How was your day?: Good. One word answers is the usual these days. So, I decided that we should go to the therapist I went to with my son. I think it's important to make sure we find commonality when there's so much going on and changing for her. I sent an email to therapist and waiting for when we can go.

Then.....my sister. About a year ago we had an issue come up where no one could get ahold of her for days and when that happens, it usually isn't good. Last year my brother ended up going to her house and breaking in her basement to see if she was ok. Turns out she was on a several day, self-medicated binge and just was not with it. My brother found her laying there, she didn't even know what day it was. SO, it was a big deal....she and I went to therapy with her counselor to lay out some guidelines, how better to communicate, etc..and we got back on track.

Well, it happened again last week. I got a text from her last Wednesday that said "I fell and hit my head. I am resting. I will talk to you later". I said ok, call me later. Then..... she didn't call, didn't call.....I finally reached out to my brother that evening (he lives 1.5 hours from her) and asked what we should do. He ended up calling her and calling her until she actually answered the phone. He couldn't get much out of her except that she was 'ok'. After that she called me, which I missed, and she left me a voicemail. I could tell right away she definitely was not in her right mind. I then called her back and asked what the heck happened and she proceeds to say that she fell on Sunday (uh, what?! 3 days ago!) and had just been laying on the couch since then. She said her cat twisted between her and she fell, had a lump on her head, and it was bleeding. Now, she's 6 ft tall so a fall to hit her head is a ways down. And she just laid at her house for days??. Making up all kinds of excuses as to why she couldn't.didn't go to the ER. Concussion maybe? She was then crying hysterically saying she just doesn't care, etc..I told her I'm worried I'm going to find her one of these times not alive. She said she knows.

That's heavy. And infuriating. And sad. And heartbreaking....all rolled into one. I know she's been suffering again with her mental health for a few months now.....but you can not just call me 18 hours away, drop a bomb like hey, I hit my head, then ghost me. What am I supposed to do? And we've been through this before......the thing is, she doesn't have many friends. She has one friend w/in 30 minutes of her she's known for years, but they are on/off. And only one other friend about 45 min away that I've never met. I don't want to kick her while she's down, but I also can't condone that she's not taking care of herself. I told her it may be at a point where she needs to go inpatient. She said absolutely not. She also is in denial about her misuse of prescription medication. The worst rx is the one she gets from her neurologist for migraines that is a central nervous system depressant. That's what she uses to 'check out'.

The thing is....I feel angry. And I feel bad about feeling angry. The only close family member to me from my immediate family has so many problems.....I'm frustrated that she refuses the help she really needs, and doesn't have the capacity to be there for me, doesn't have the capacity to be there for herself, has so many health and mental issues. And....I'm just heartbroken for her. She's wounded. She's suffering physically and mentally. She really has no one. I do care about her and feel so helpless.....I think the downfall started about 2 months ago after she had a surgery to repair something that failed from a surgery a year ago. It was very noticeable since then. I did the only thing I could think to do---some action--- which was call her therapist and leave a detailed voicemail about how bad she is doing right now. Of course they can't talk to you due to privacy, but I at least needed to let her know. I also called her nurse practitioner who prescribes her mental health meds. The assistant did finally call me back and I also described to her the events of the past week and just needed them to know she's struggling so bad. I have no idea what she tells them, if she's honest about all the medication she's taking, and I don't feel bad for calling both of them. I would feel bad if something happened and I didn't.

Now that I look back, it has been pretty heavy in my mind....worrying so much about my sister, feeling the tension of us not talking right now, feeling distant from my girl, and living in a wreck of a house, and trying to put together the apartment....all while being sick.

At least w/ my girl we have a path forward.....I really think the therapist will be helpful....w/ my sister I think I just need to call her as a start.

This is all a bit much so I do want to share some happy news...I'm so excited my son just had his well visit today and he's doing great! weighs 104, is currently 5ft 1/2 inch and is on track to be likely 6ft or more. And.....he still likes mama to "lay with him" at bedtime. Sometimes I do still go in there for a few minutes and the other night he said, "I feel safer when I'm next to you. It gives me a sense of security". That was so sweet.....and I know exactly how he feels.

G'night. Love you. See you in the morning.

Over the years our bed time routine has changed....for some reason we get hooked on something and it sticks. What we are doing now is, usually I am laying on the couch, they are each in their rooms reading...then I'll say "Lights oooout"....then each one takes a turn saying "G'night. Love you. See you in the morning". My response is then to say the same words back to each of them but change up the order. So I'll respond with "Love you, See you in the morning, G'night". Why I started doing it I don't know, but I asked them, Hey, did you notice I change the wording around each time? They both said no. Lol

I haven't talked about the remodel lately. It started June 6 with demo.  Well, it's still pretty much at demo stage and we still have no kitchen.  I was so positive and eager when the fireplace came down...maybe in the wow, look how different it is. Now, 4 months later....I'm sick of the dust, dirt, and washing dishes by hand.  I started my cleaning service back up--i thought for some reason during a remodel they shouldn't come. Uh...that's the opposite of what we need.

I love U.....written in dust.

In summary it has gone super downhill. Serious mistakes were made--as an example, when they were cutting out concrete to make room for the gas line and hvac move, they hit one of the post-tension cables in the foundation with the jackhammer. Think about a rubberband stretched...what happens when you cut the middle of it? Yes, serious safety issue.  That combined with being dismissed when I brought up issues...they tried to say everything was fine, maybe the cable looked odd when it was first built, etc.. knowing I was right about the lack of quality of work and oversight. I had to go around them to get my own cable specialist. Gut intuition is a real thing....on part of it they said yes, we taped up a certain area of the cable, then concrete was poured over so noone could know for sure. In my gut I just knew they didn't do it. Can't tell you why, but I just knew it. The contractor said 100% it was done, let's move on. I didn't let it go.....per the instruction of the cable expert, we ended up digging back up the concrete and sure enough, No they had not done it. Ultimately it was determined yes, it was cut, it was compromised, it needed repair.  They did end up paying for the repair (around $1500) and by then, it was over for me. I had to just fire them.  It's a bit tricky because the contractor owner is a good friend of my designer, but he understood and supported my decision.

So.....

That has lead to me finding new subcontractors myself to help get the job done. The old contractor at least put the beam in (correctly) so we could take down the fireplace and that was the most important part. That sub who did that work was excellent. But now it's a matter of piecing it back together with the flooring, cabinetry, drywall texture (another thing that wasn't done right, which I had paid them for, asked for money to get someone else to fix, but ultimately agreed to their request to let them at least try to fix--which their sub can't get the texture right--and here I sit.)

It's been very stressful and it seems never-ending. There's been something to do to keep things moving almost every day, having people in/out your house.....so the other day I just took a break. No body here, no calls made, no emails, nothing. I needed to just take a real break. And now I'm back at it.

I think we were at the top of the hill, ended up at the bottom, and now slowly climbing back up.

Here's what it looks like right now. Just took this picture. What a mess.

Something else that's been happening simultaneously is that my kids are having big kid firsts. For example, my girl has been "dating" the neighbor Teddy for awhile now. What that means, I still don't know, but now have a better idea. I have seen them holding hands, etc. and have told them about what's acceptable, my expectations, sitting next to each other, etc......so much to my surprise--it was maybe right before school started--and Teddy was over one evening. I had gone in the "kitchen" and was behind the plastic sheet. Teddy had to head out so as he made his way to the front door he walked over to my girl and gave her a kiss--on the lips!! I shouted out loud---HEEEEY! and they both jumped 2 ft in the air, went OH CRAP! We didn't know you were in there!! Teddy quickly ran out and I simply said--No smooching. I wasn't mad, etc. just surprised. Come to find out later on my son snitched and said that he had seen them do that before. What?! So, I've put the kabosh on that, but I can only see with my eyes so much. I'm hoping they don't continue that, but who knows when I'm not around? My girl is 13 and Teddy is 14. I don't think it's appropriate at this age, so I'm hoping she respects that.  We'll see. I make it a point every time Teddy is around now I say 'No smooching'....and I get the sighs and the eye rolls, and the 'we know'.....time will tell.

In addition, right after school started my son came home from school one day looking very serious. He said mom, I have something to show you. Not exactly sure what was going on, he goes to his backpack and pulls out a note......From a girl.  The yellow note 8/23/25 has a picture of a chili pepper on it and says: 

"I like U. Or as people would call it having a crush! heart emoji. From: Camillle.

I asked him how he felt and I was so surprised he wanted to have a conversation about it! He is so much more verbal than my girl....he likes to talk things out. This was our first "big kid" conversation about girls, other than me asking him here or there if there's someone he likes, does anyone like him, etc..other than Caroline who is this little girl who has had a crush on him since pre-k 4. He just asked what he should do about it? So I simply asked him do you like her? Short answer--No. But what I really thought was so special was he said he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so how should he handle it?  My advice was telling him a girl's perspective i.e. don't just ignore her. She will just wonder if you read it, what you thought, etc..and said maybe just tell her thanks for the note. We went back and forth about what he might say, how to say it, etc.. and all was good. I'm not sure exactly what happened at the school the next day but 5 days later he brings home another note from a friend of Camille's. 

It says:

"Camille is making me write this but she wanted to know I (if) you like her?" 

As far as I know, the situation has died down....he hasn't mentioned anything since. I did ask him when I went to school lunch for his birthday which one she was, and he pointed her out. I know girls typically progress in this area faster than boys....honestly my son doesn't care about girls right now. He cares about playing with his buddies, playing soccer....and being active. I'm totally ok with it. I was just so surprised, happy, and maybe even touched that he wanted to share this with me and get advice.  He really is my mini-me. I also tend to talk out situations/feelings. I hope this continues.

The good news is, the further we get from the baby/toddler stage the more I am able to accept they are growing into not just little kids, but big kids. With big kids things.  All that advice through the years is so true...the days are long, but the years are short. It's way harder physically when they are young and harder mentally when they are older. I guess the cliche's exist for a reason. They are true!

End of Summer and Start of 5th and 8th Grade (Part 2)

Today is Sept 30, the last day to write a post in September. Yay I made it! (PS In the middle of writing this it was time to drive to soccer practice...didn't hit publish and said I'll be sure to do that before end of the day. Well.....I think it still counts for Sept.)

Last time I wrote we had just gotten back from our trip and were headed into prep for a 13th birthday and end of summer/start of school. I took a few notes so I wouldn't forget some items...here goes.

Birthday. I have a 13 year old. An official teenager. I of course saw this as a major milestone, BIG deal kind of thing. My daughter, on the other hand, kept asking why everyone is asking her, "Do you feel different now?" She's like uhhh, No.HA  Her birthday was really bumpy because this year she wanted a pool party at the neighborhood pool. Even before scheduling this I said hey, weather can be an issue, are you sure you want to do this? Yup. So, with that foreshadowing you can only imagine the day of her birthday nice, sunny, hot....and as the day goes on it starts showing showers/thunderstorms exactly at the time of her party....and sure enough about 30 minutes before her party time complete downpour. Sometimes storms are in/out quick so we weren't sure what to do, wait, go to neighbor's pool (we asked and they were open to it)...my girl was on the verge of melting down of course....because we had planned it all in advance...the decorations, balloons, cookie cake, the color theme of pink and gold, bringing in canes for dinner, etc.. So, long story short we ended up texting everyone that we needed to reschedule to the following day. Some who could come one day couldn't come the next, and vice versa, so we still ended up with about 7-8 friends which was just perfect. My girl has started to be interested in what she's wearing and asked for cro.cs, since all the kids now wear the white ones with socks. and now she can too.

My Son's version of events at his sister's Birthday party. Us inside. Crying. Not at the pool.

With that, we looked ahead at preparing for school....and this year it was just extra crazy. I truly felt like I bought more things this year than ever before. That probably was true because my girl has grown so much now that the shorts and shirts she's been wearing for 3 years (she just grew taller, so things still fit her) finally were just too small. She needed shirts desperately. She's a kid where if it ain't broke don't fix it. She will wear things into the ground before she gives them up. Shopping w/ her isn't super fun because she doesn't love it, nor do I. She is mostly into athletic clothes, so we simply went to those stores and at least found some tshirts and shorts. But, in addition to all of her clothing and his few shirts/socks,  we needed to buy them both bookbags, shoes, her running shoes for cross country, water bottles, school supplies....I felt like I spent a small fortune prepping for school this year. And, we even started early to shop!

Once the whirlwind of shopping for all the stuff, getting the sports physical (which my girl is almost 5'7"), driving my girl to start of her JR high end of summer workouts, etc., going to ortho to finally get her braces off--school snuck up on us and just like that it was the first day of school. I have to say for the first few days, I really felt discombobulated with getting back into the routine.....although it was still kinda fun because I got into the excitement of getting all the gear ready for the first day. In addition, neither of my kids had to change schools yet so it was simply repeat of last year--same location....no real stress/worry for me about them. That will be next year! This is my son's last year of elementary at 5th grade and they have a tradition of letting the parents walk kids to class on the first day. My son has always said yes, he wants me to do it.  He said the same this year so I assumed we'd do the same thing--drive to school and walk to the classroom. Well, as we were walking to the front of the school he looks at me and starts to give me a hug and say goodbye. I was like wait, what's going on? I then realized he wanted to say goodbye at the front door and not have me walk him to his classroom. Too bad for him I was not having it. I said son, I'm here, it's your last year, we ARE walking to your classroom, we ARE getting a picture of you with your teacher. He was getting so mad, but he knew I wasn't going to give up so we went in. Oh wow he was turning red, walking in front of me...kept looking back and giving me mean face, etc..But I proudly walked him to his room, got my picture, said goodbye, and went on my way. By the end of the day when he came home he was over it. This is also my girl's last year of junior high--not even ready to think she starts high school next year. I just can'T.

Then, as soon as the regular routine of school started to become regular, in comes the start of cross country, in comes the start of soccer, in comes the start of theater, and very very quickly we are back to being in it all. The coordinating, the carpooling--although less this fall because my girl's carpool friend Selina didn't do cross country this year...I asked my girl about carpooling w/someone else and she wasn't having it. We got into it a bit because she's a kid, she doesn't realize the extra it puts on me to take her every morning and drag her brother along because I won't leave him home alone at 6:30am. Super frustrating, but I didn't push it too hard and just sucked it up. And that's what we are doing. This morning was the last practice and districts are tomorrow evening. This year again, she's not the fastest, she's not the slowest. She's not totally into the sport...she says she's using as a way to get into shape for basketball. I get that, but when we are standing there in the 100 degree heat at the meets....it's still a commitment for all of us.

End of Summer and Start of 5th and 8th Grade (Part 1)

I always look back to see what I posted last before writing a new one....and I just noticed I didn't write a post in July! I didn't even realize it so that clearly means it's been a busy summer and start to school. Lots to share so I'll likely divide and conquer.

Last I left off we had just kicked off summer and the remodel. My daughter had gotten home from sleep away camp, my son was going to start therapy, and the next adventure was basketball camps and heading on trip to the midwest. 

Therapy. I did end up starting my son into therapy. As I mentioned I had researched and was referred to this lady from another therapist. You never really know what you will get until you try working with someone. And very quickly, for me within the first session, I can gauge whether they may be a fit. In short, I was impressed. My son did not want to go, of course. He felt a bit like it was a punishment. And, his view of therapists were that they were creepy and they wanted to know your life's details. He also did not want to go in by himself and that honestly was the best thing that happened by accident because with both of us in there, she not only helped my son, she helped me in parenting as well in just a few sessions. 

The main thing she pointed out, which I knew, but didn't really connect the dots....is that my kids' needs are polar opposite. My son needs constant connection, my daughter needs alone time to reboot. Sounds simple, but the connection is a lot of their constant fighting and arguing was my son was feeling sad and hurt that my daughter was constantly telling him to go away, not playing games with him etc, so he would lash out and provoke her. He didn't really know how to communicate his feelings. My girl retreats and gives herself time to reset, but she didn't know how to tell him in such a way that he didn't take it personally. The therapist was saying there can be a way where both kids get their needs met. SO.....I tried to not share with my girl anything from session that would break his trust, but I did tell her what we learned....i.e. what I said above that he misses her and really does want to spend time with her. That really cracked something open in her because she had no idea that what he really wanted was her time and attention. And, that he was sad she didn't want to play with him. My mistake in this was when I was telling her this I got a bit teary (I felt sad for the both of them)....so with her anxieties she started to feel guilty like she was doing something wrong. I nipped that in the bud by reassuring her that a) both of their needs are different b) both of them are equally as important. Her response was initially to go the other direction and start playing a ton with him and I had to remind her that no, that wasn't the point. She should play only if she wants to play. It's ok to step away and recharge because that's what she needs.

Even though the interchange was a bit bumpy, it was almost like magic dust was sprinkled in our house. They truly started to interact and play and get along like they hadn't in a long time. They stopped bickering and arguing and somehow started to enjoy each other's company. I can't tell you how peaceful that was. Has it fixed everything? No, of course not....but it gave us a pause to reflect and consider something different. Has my son's anger issues been resolved, of course not, but he's learning ways to manage and express himself differently. We've gone I think 3 sessions due to summer schedules, and haven't figured out a school schedule yet. I also would like to get my daughter started with her as well. Time and money well spent thus far.

Back to our summer adventures...on to the trip. In summary, the whole trip was great! We've never taken a trip that long (July 1-9) and I'm pleased to say it was not too long and just long enough--by the end we were ready to head home. First, we stayed at my sister's, my brother came over--we had lots of activities. Went to the library, saw my sister's new office, played at the waterpark, visited a D.airy Farm....even though I grew up there I had never been to one. It was an amazing experience--took the tour of the operations, we got to bottle feed a baby calf, my daughter and sister milked a cow, we pet/fed Kang.aroos, we all made butter, tasted cheese and ice cream from their farm milk. It really was so cool. But a) it was 90+ degrees and b) the smells were intolerable. A few times I truly felt sick. I will never say never, but being a farmer's wife is not in my future. We also visited my 4th grade teacher I've stayed in touch with over the years--she's 91! She still stays at her farm over the summer and it's so good for all of us because my kids are not around elderly people and there' so much to learn. Also, running around on a farm (with no animals), who doesn't want to do that? A funny story at my sister's is that my kids really do like animals...my sister has 3 cats. My son kept trying to be friends with them all, but for some reason G.i.Gi a big tortoise cat kept trying to attack him. He kept saying he had to "run for his life" whenever she was around. Poor kid. At least he got snuggles from Mill.ie, an 18 year old, senile friendly one.

Then, we headed in Big R.ed to my cousin's about 4 hours away. This full.size pick up truck was one of the highlights of the trip, ironically. We had rented a car, but it was filthy so we traded it in for the only one she had left that could go one way. Get out of the way.....this big girl was on the road. The kids had so much fun because we felt like bosses....and I let them get in the back when we were in my sister's neighborhood and every time we came back they'd beg for another ride. Such good memories.

We made the 4 hour trek to the neighboring state to visit my cousin. I've talked about her over the years, we've stayed in touch. We talk about 1-2 times a month. She's got 5 kids so in early years, she was on the hamster wheel and we didn't connect as much. But 2 years ago she got divorced, two of her boys are in college, and it's been a pleasant change for me because she actually has time now to really talk and be more open about what's really going on. Not just say everything's fine, but she's struggling underneath it all. It's great because her 5th child was born just 3 months before my son, so same age. Her 4th child is a girl, but she's 15, a few years older than my girl. Again, a really good time.....even though it had been 7 years since I spent time with her (with the exception of last October for my uncle's passing), we picked up where we left off and it wasn't awkward. At first, the kids were a bit shy around each other, but after several hours together, the boys hit it off and didn't stop playing the whole time....they are very similar go go go kind of kids, love sports...match made. My daughter however, didn't make that same connection because her girl is very quiet and shy--also hard to engage with....so my girl tried, and they did talk some, but it wasn't easy. We also had plenty of activities of going to a lake/quarry, local swimming pool, movie night in, and crafting with pony beads. That part of the trip was the 6-9th and then......just like that, headed to the airport....with my son already asking when we can visit again.

Picture from flight home: This is truly one of my favorite pictures of the whole trip....my girl gets very nervous flying....so my son, on his own, held out his hand to her.....and she took it. Just melt my heart.

Once we were home we had about a month left of summer....we had planned that very next week in July to also visit my good friend I've stayed in touch with since grad school (almost 25 years now) in Dal.las. She's also the one who graciously took the puppy we adopted when I was losing my mind with her. It's been a few years now so the kids said they were fine to go see her. Unfortunately we had to delay the trip a few weeks because all heck broke loose at home...my car literally broke down and it was in different shops--without a car for a week. At the same time my main waterline broke at the curb, AND, my washing machine broke down. AND, the remodel had some major hiccups, one which resulted in us going to a hotel for a night.

It was a lot. But, we quickly had to turn our attention to start preparing for school.

Part 2 to come.......