Results

Well, I got my test results last night and I have Covid. I am now a statistic. My stomach fell after opening the email and reading "positive". My anxiety has shot through the roof.  I'm so mad at myself.....I knew there was some risk.....and maybe just fatigue took over. I missed normalcy, I missed being around people, I hadn't seen my sister in a year.  We stayed safe for 10 months. And now.....I've cried a few times today....I still feel awful. It's been since December 25th. How it started for me:

Dec 24: headache only. Didn't pay much attention as I thought maybe it was due to no caffeine.

Dec 25: mid afternoon my lungs got that sort of 'tickle' 'heavy' feeling. I hardly ever get respiratory infections so I noticed immediately. It's almost like I was getting some asthma/allergy thing which I do sometimes. Same day I then started to feel achy and tired.

Dec 26: Laid around most of the day, was feeling very fatigued, no energy, achy

Dec 27: Symptoms continue and added sinus congestion/pressure

Dec 28: Feeling very 'flu-ish' all symptoms continue. Hard time doing anything, nausea, headache, sinus pressure, chest feeling tight, aches. Took test around 10am.

Dec 29: I think low grade fever started because I took a bath with hot water--enough to make my skin pink--because I had chills and I did not sweat one drop. Also felt light headed, a bit dizzy a few times in there. Something 'lifted' in the evening because I felt less achy. Got test results at 9:30pm.

Dec 30: Today I still feel achy, but not as severe, my chest is tight, I have sinus pressure/head ache, no energy. I got a pulse ox to check saturation and thankfully mine ranges 94-97 and hers is 97-98. I will continue to check regularly.  Drinking fluids, trying to eat something--crackers, etc..

I read that between days 5-10 are the most critical because people think they are getting better then major backslide. That's what makes me SO nervous because I'm in that window at Day 6. That, and the breathing. I might not be doing the right thing, but I don't care...I had some left over dexamethasone steriod which I've taken the last 4 days, taken an immune booster, and used my albuterol inhaler to help my lungs.

I pray that we recover from this soon. My daughter has had severe fatigue, no appetite, cough, etc so we are doing a virtual Dr. visit for her this afternoon. I've tried to get an appt w/ my Dr. or anyone in the office but I can't get through on the phone, it's been sooo frustrating. Can't do online either because they are saying everyone is booked out. I don't believe that but not sure what else to do.

Amazingly my son has had no symptoms. I pray he stays that way.

Waiting

I'm sitting here all covered up due to having body aches, head congestion, tight chest, and headache...... waiting for results of my covid test I took yesterday.  I'm thinking it's either that or the flu.  I started feeling symptoms on Christmas Day afternoon, so today is day 5. I did two things that could have gotten me sick 1) my sister came for christmas and 2) we went to the neighbors house (an older couple) for gifts for kids. Dang it. I weighed the risks/pros and cons and thought it would be ok.  Tough lesson. It's also very anxiety provoking not knowing yet.....every little symptom i'm googling. Flu vs covid, etc.. The 'good news' if you can call it that is I don't have loss of taste/smell or cough....but it seems I have everything else. Likely it's the flu, but will see.

We've had a lot of ups/down over the last month since I last wrote. So much so that I haven't had much energy or desire to post.  Let's start back at Thanksgiving. We did go to the hotel and initially it was a great visit.....however at about 2am I hear this piercing screaming and my son comes out of the other room with blood dripping all over his face. I couldn't even tell where it was coming from. After trying to stop it and clean it up, I realized that he knocked out a tooth. Apparently when he was dreaming he somehow smashed his face on the table between the two beds (we think?), and managed to bruise up both sides of his face, gash his nose, and knock out teeth (later to find out it was 2 teeth, but we could only find one). We had just gone to the new dentist that Monday, and were back on Wednesday with an emergency appointment because he also managed to chip his adult tooth that just barely was peeking through his gums. Thankfully the dentist said it's not major and that we will be able to address it when the tooth grows in. He literally looked like he had been in a big fight. This poor kid. He's also left with some scar tissue on his cheek--it feels like a big 'ball' underneath his skin. It was feeling so odd that I took him to the Dr. as well and she said that it's possible he could have fractured his bone, but it wouldn't make sense xraying since there's nothing to do for it, except let it heal.  She said the only thing we can do is massage nightly the big lump to hopefully break it up over time. You can't see it when looking at him, but when he smiles it makes a dent now in his cheek. Sigh.  My son is constantly hurting himself.....he's always got bruises and scrapes of some sort. I felt better when we were at the dentist because she simply said, 'well.....that's a boy for you'. It totally is.....he has no fear and the only gear he is in is fast.

I'm going to have to pick up this post later......just not feeling up to finishing.

Thanksgiving Plans and Tidbits

Great news....we DID go back to school last Tuesday. I was really really surprised, actually. I fully expected them to push it out, shut down through holidays. We have continued to have cases come up, but not at the amount we were having. I think the principal was getting inundated with emails, etc. because she sent a note out saying they have no plans to shut down over the holidays until the new year (what I was wondering as well). I think so many agree that keeping kids in school is the best thing, as long as we can do it safely.

And of course due the virus I just wasn't comfortable planning to go anywhere for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. I had thought about heading to old nanny's house about 6 hours away.....but if I'm being honest, I didn't want to spend time around her daughter. She's now in college, still very entitled, and still has some issues with her mother coming to visit us...so I'd rather just not. I didn't even think about heading north to my cousins due to not wanting to fly anywhere.  We didn't go last year because that's when my girl's issues surfaced, and the year before that I think my aunt had her major surgery. It was also last year on Thanksgiving when my Dad passed away. I thought about that today when I took a walk with an old coworker....we finished walking and the topic of holidays came up. She asked what we were going to do and out of nowhere I got emotional when talking about the fact that my mom was gone AND my dad was gone.....holidays can be tough in general, but layer on holidays during a pandemic, with a new loss, and no traveling. Makes sense why I was teary.

However, I am determined to make the best of it.....I got an email about a basketball camp next Mon-Wed, and thought about it--only for a minute--because they would love something like that--but not during a pandemic. I just couldn't see how that could be safe enough. SO.....I decided that we are going to the same hotel we did last year for a night. I know the kids love it (they call it the E hotel) and I feel safe enough going since we will be in our room by ourselves. The hotel has protocols in place where you can still get the awesome buffet breakfast, but they just serve you and you can take it with you....also, the pool is open and you just reserve a 30 minute slot for just your family. It sounds good. My girl has kept asking about it so just tonight I called to make sure I was comfortable, and booked it. They both started screaming, hugging, and running around the room when i got off the phone. I just wanted them to have SOMETHInG to look forward to, you know?? I learned from last year not to go on the actual holiday because you can't get any delivery food, nothing open...so we are going next week Tues to Wed. It really was heart warming to see both of them so excited about something.

So, Monday we have the new dentist we are trying....I'm wanting a second opinion because our other dentist sent my girl to ortho and they said she needs an expander and braces now....and then probably again when all her adult teeth grow in. She's only 8! I'm just not sure about that plan.

Tue-Wed: we will go to the hotel

Thurs: I will try to cook some actual Thanksgiving food. I'm proud of myself because I've already started thinking about it a week ahead of time and purchased a few things.

Fri-Sun: Play by ear, but hopefully good weather will be here and we can do a few bike rides, walks, and maybe parks.

I just put the kids to bed after writing this first part and during our talk my girl was already planning what she was going to bring, what she was going to do first when we get to the hotel.....yes, I think this is a win! And my son just yelled out, "Mom I love you!" which he does most every night after I've tucked them in and I'm settled in the recliner. 

My son tidbits:

--when I went to pick up my son last week from school he told me there were 3 good things about coming home sick 1) no school 2) get to eat popsicles 3) get to watch football. And then he said Oh, and I get to have you. Awwwww.

--My son has taken to coming to my bed every night again. Somewhere between 11-2. He just comes in, lays down, and stretches his hand out so we can hold hands. Once he does that for a few minutes, he rolls the other way and goes to sleep. I think it is so sweet that I haven't stopped it. Now, what doesn't work is when I am not sleeping in my bed. Sometimes I sleep in the chair or the couch...but he'll find me wherever I am and ask to go into my bed. Sometimes I do, but if I send him back to his bed, I know he'll be back. So the multiple wake ups for me is not working.

--he still can't pronounce his L's....they are W's.  Mom, wook at that!

--During tuck in he's into playing mind games like 'would you rather'....would you rather be an elephant or a cheetah? Also 20 questions with an animal....one time he picked a tasmanian tiger. C'mon here I have no chance. We also do the color game where we each get a turn picking one and guessing. We ask if it's in the rainbow or not. One time he chose not just gold, but it had to be glittery gold. lol.

--He is a morning person. The minute he wakes up he's ready to get dressed and is most often in a good mood. I don't even have to tell him to get ready. i love that he likes to 'do his hair' already and he puts in the 'jay-ell'. A bit too much sometimes, but hey, he's working on it.

--He's into making a kissing/smooch sound until I notice it and do it back. Smooch smooch. I'm sure some day this will embarrass him completely, but right now I'm finding these smooches, and the I love you's many times a day so sweet I hope they never stop.

--I love watching football together. We have the love of playing and watching sports in common. He has a football that he will have me throw to him over and over and over....while he falls to the floor with a fumble, or jumps on the couch with a one armed catch....the entire time we 'watch' the game. 

My Girl tidbits:

--she absolutely surprises me sometimes. She's not overly emotional with hugs or words (unlike her brother) , but when she wants hugs, etc I'm always here to give them. Well just a few weeks ago she wrote this most amazing letter to me saying how much she loved me. It totally took me by surprise because she had never written anything like that before and it was soooo heartfelt. We had such a bonding moment over it because I gave her the biggest hug I could to thank her and she just melted into it. It was so so sweet.

--She really loves her crafts, coloring, drawing, painting, etc.. She is very artistic and while I was somewhat when I was younger, she takes it to another level. I think she got it from my mom because my mom knew how to sew, paint, make things out of nothing. And that's just like my daughter. I really try my best because crafty things aren't the first things that come to mind when thinking about what to do....but when we get into something I find that I genuinely like it. For example, we had this old terry cloth towel that my girl wanted to cut up and make a coat for her bear. I said sure....but she just couldn't figure out how to do w/out sewing. She even got the sewing kit out and asked if I would help her. So, I did my best to cut out around the arms, sewed the sides together with needle and thread.....and wouldn't you know, it came out so good! We both said we had no idea it would actually turn out! She hugged me and thanked me. I need to remember that it's not about whether I know exactly what I am doing, it's that I tried it with her. I hope that's what she remembers.

--I am really impressed by how many things she comes up with for the two of them to do. The other day she made a "Chompasaurus" game and used some balled up tinfoil, a cardboard box she snagged at the grocery store that had 6 holes in it, and a red mark taped to the wall. I have no idea how the game worked but there was a bowl with some money next to it....I guess she had her brother pay to play, hahaha..

--My girl said she wanted a turn sleeping in my bed....I think because she knows her brother does it all the time. But, I figured why shouldn't she get a turn? So last weekend she stayed a night in my bed and she actually fell asleep faster than I can remember. She did wake up to come and get me to go in the bed, which of course I did. It was so cute because once we both were laying there, what did she do? But outstretch her hand and want to hold mine too. It was just so so sweet.

Overall I think we are doing okay here....for me personally, I did fall off the rails a bit with everything, but now that the kids are back in school and feeling better, I am handling things a bit better....walked 2 days in a row now, ate at home for lunch today, no caffeine here and there.  A work in progress, but as long as I'm trying, i feel better.

I'm going to hope and pray that we can stay in school, stay healthy, have a nice Thanksgiving break next week, and go back to school through Christmas break.

School shut down. Again.

 I knew it.....I just knew this was likely to happen. Our school shut down because of Covid on this past Thursday. We have 70 ish schools in our district from elementary through highschool and only 2 have shut down--and we are one of them!  UUUGGGGHHH and Noooooooooo!

This last week has not been a great one.....my stress level totally shot up, my kids got sick, we've had Mickeys for lunch 4 days this week and chick f a for lunch on the other.  It's ridiculous.  I feel terrible that my coping skill of eating out has been thrown upon my children this week. Oh and let's not forget I, along with millions of people, sat on the edge of our seats all week watching the election. Day and night.

Rewind to last weekend I thought my decision to take the kids to an outside greenspace would have been fine. We went on Saturday and Sunday. Well, by Monday my son started to have congestion and by Tuesday he wasn't feeling well at all--no fever, but just a rotten headcold. So, I told him we could see how it went at school and if he started feeling worse to come home....OR he could stay home in the morning and see how he did, and go to school later if he was ok.  He wanted to go to school so we had normal routine, I dropped them off, but then not more than 15 minutes after I got home the nurse was calling to go pick him up.  And that put us in the covid protocol at our school. We had to have a dr. note, a clear covid test, OR stay home for 10 days.  I knew he just had a headcold so I assumed we would go to the Dr. and she would write a note. Well, she surprised me and said because he had two symptoms (congestion and headache) that she wouldn't write a note and he could stay home for 10 days or have covid test. The headache was debatable because when you ask a 6 year old do you have this?do you have that? they usually say yes.  I know she was erring on the side of caution, I get it. BUT, that meant test. I didn't think staying home for 10 days was a good option.

The test was terrible. I had to hold his head while they put a swab in each of his nostrils (to do the rapid and the send off one). She pushed the swab in his nose soooo far, then twisted it around for the slowest count to 10 ever. He was crying and squirming and I'm sure it felt like the swabs were in his brain. Awful. When she was finally done his nose started bleeding. Poor kid, it was not a good one at all. After we left and 30 minutes later they called and said the rapid test was negative.  However, because they wait for the 2 day one to totally clear someone, he had to be home on Wednesday too, and we expected the call on Thursday morning.

Wednesday morning was not good because my daughter had started complaining of not feeling that great also, but she didn't have a ton of congestion, she had no fever, so I said listen, let's just head to school and it should all get better throughout the day. She melted down a bit because her brother got to stay home and she didn't. She said she was upset because he was going to get all the attention, which is a hot button w/ my kids, well I suppose all kids.... Anyway, we still made it to school okay, but sure enough a bit after noon the nurse calls. Nurse said my girl was saying she had stomach hurting and needed to come home. Of course, I know how she was in the morning upset and I wasn't sure how 'real' this was. The nurse also knows the history w/ my girl and her struggles, and told me my girl might just be upset because brother was home. We were only 2 1/2 hours until end of day and I told the nurse I just didn't want her to get put under the protocol too. Nurse said she would try and work with her and see what she could do, fully understanding the situation. Didn't work, nurse called me back saying to come get her.

So now, both kids home on Wednesday and I read my email that night and CRAP, they said they are closing the school until at least Tuesday of next week due to Covid.  In the background, whenever a new Covid test was reported we'd get an email, and it seemed like I was getting daily emails....I just knew things weren't looking good at school. Our school has about 815 kids and we are currently at 25 cases between staff and students. Before the shutdown, and after getting all the emails, the principal sent a note saying that there was an outbreak in one of the 5th grade classrooms. So, I suspect someone got sick in the classroom, they notify you directly if you could have been exposed to that person, then everyone got tests from there and bam.....an outbreak.

I fully understand the shut down....I really do......but, I started feeling so mad. Why?? Why our school? My kids need school so badly. Not any more than anyone else's, of course, but I started wondering with only shutting down 5 days, will they keep pushing it out more like they did in the Spring. Will they push it out so far that they won't go back until after the holidays? Or at all? I just can't think about it.

On Thursday we got the call my son's 2 day covid test was also negative. I knew it would be.

So, on top of sick kids home all day again and fighting about doing school work, etc. I was completely glued to watching the election all day and into the wee hours. I just couldn't stop watching....the votes just trickling in. I can say I've never watched a political election so closely as I watched this one in my entire life.

My exercise is off the rails. My caffeine is off the rails. My eating out is off the rails. It hasn't been the best few weeks, to say the least. I think the biggest thing for me to work on going forward is to learn new coping schools....food and sleep are my coping skills of choice. I didn't really think of sleep as a coping skill, but after digging into why I'm coming home and taking a nap after dropping off the kids at school....I think it's because I've been feeling a bit lonely, and the days feels so big when I'm here by myself--and, I've napped even when I'm not actually tired. I'm motivated when the kids are around, but if I'm by myself, it's such a different story. I didn't realize that I actually DO get my energy from being around other people. Who knew? But, it's so true....when the kids get home I start doing laundry, dishes, cook dinner, etc.. I have all day to do it, but don't until they get home. I just jump into mom mode.  

So, the silver lining in this time of me being at home is I really am learning a lot about myself. It's hard learning and not always pleasant. It's been a time of self-discovery, more self awareness....but then it becomes, what will I do w/ it?  I've even had thoughts about going back to work because I learned that not having enough time is not the reason I'm not doing things. At least with work I felt productive, like I was accomplishing something. Apparently I do well with deadlines and a forced structure. I'm not planning to go back to work any time soon, however, so it's really just allowing myself the space to work through all of these things. Be kind to myself and having realistic expectations while doing it. That is turning out to be harder than I thought.

I so hope the kids get to go back to school on Tuesday.

6 weeks In

We are starting our 7th week of in-person school, and it's been almost that long since I posted. It goes in waves, I've decided. Overall, I'd say we are doing pretty well......oy vey, I could not have written those words any sooner......I literally JUST READ an email from our school. We've got our first case of COVID-19 on our campus.  Apparently they will contact anyone who had direct contact w/ the student or teacher, etc and are planning to clean and disinfect the entire campus. UGH! NO! I suppose it was only a matter of time, and likely there's been one sooner. The only reason we know about any of them is if someone uses the self-reporting tool. So, someone could have tested positive, not self-reported, and we'd be none the wiser.  I'm glad they have at least some way to report, but clearly it's faulty since not everyone will be honest.  At this point I can only hope that there is not any spread and/or a major outbreak. That was one of my big worries is that they will go back to school, someone gets sick, and the school closes back down. Just please no. Going to school is the best thing for all of us. I still read the website that has daily tallies of cases/deaths, etc. and it is showing the US is now has 219,775 deaths and 8.2 million+ cases. I remember not in the too distant past I was writing about 20,000 deaths.  These numbers are mind-boggling. And so so sad.  We continue to do what we've been doing, hand-washing, sanitizing galore, masks everywhere. I've got the kids wearing them everywhere we go.  Other than school we are only doing the things we need to do like grocery store, etc.. Well, that's not totally true. We went twice to a friends house for a playdate. It's a friend who has a baby and a 4 year old, and she is headed back to work next month. Also, my girl has gone on 2 play dates at her best friend June's house. That's it really. It does still worry me because I keep reading it's the small group get togethers that are becoming spreaders.

My son's 6th birthday was a party/no party. We had his chosen theme of Saints Football: Football cups, Saints plate/napkins/cake, cookies/cream ice cream, etc.. and our old nanny came in town to visit. Even though we didn't have a group get together, our other friends that have a boy my son's age did a drive by and dropped off a gift. They came to the door with masks and didn't come in....but was still good to see them. I still enjoyed it, especially because I was able to surprise him with a driveway portable basketball goal. I ended up getting it off of a neighborhood app for $100 and $20 delivery the day before his birthday. We just had to clean it up and hide it at our neighbor's house. Then I texted neighbor when ready the next day and they brought it over to our driveway. I walked him outside backwards, turned him around, and when he saw it, processed it, he started jumping up and down and screaming with fist pumps! He was SO excited since he's been wanting one for about a year. Old nanny took a video, but sure enough had the recording button backwards and missed the whole thing. It was still a fun experience.

I've been learning what it's like to be a stay at home mom/having focused ME time again.....it's been a mixed bag of loving some things, and learning that some things are harder than I expected. For example: 

--Eating at home for lunch and staying caffeine diet coke free. I find that I do well for about a week, then over the weekend if we get take out I always have a soda then, then I get tired the next day and want another, then I have the taste of it again and want another. It really is an addiction.  The most I've been soda free is 7 days. I decided on Sunday I am going to challenge myself to 2 solid weeks. I want to see what happens. Sunday and today make 2 days down. YAY!

--At the beginning of September I started exercising for a goal of 30 minutes/5 days a week. I even made myself a sticker chart. My goal is to do it M-F, however if a day here and there just doesn't work I can make up only 1 day on the weekend.  I am SO proud to report that I did 4x week for 3 solid weeks!! It wasn't perfect, and I really didn't want to do it on many days, but having the visual of the sticker chart really helped me. Also, in talking w/ my therapist she said to make the 30 minutes my priority and everything else can get scheduled around that. I did mostly walking, but some biking. The plan was also to do the exercise during the day while the kids were at school, but I found over time that sometimes going after dinner since my son wanted to be outside anyway worked too.  It didn't HAVE to be at a particular time of day, just that it was accomplished.  I'm learning that not meeting the set goal does not equal failure....I exercised more in the last month than I have in years.  Did I exercise 5 days a week, No. Did I make major progress anyway? Heck yes. 

--Another learning is that progress is not linear. As much as I really really expected this and want it to be this way, I have had to 'restart' many many times.  Take the exercising: even with that amount of progress I quickly fell off the rails.....a few days I just didnt do it (interestingly enough it was after I filled up my first sticker chart--maybe it works better than I thought!) and fell out of the habit just that quick. Now, what I might have done before is say eh, I tried it, it didn't stick, for another time.  Well, now IS my time....I need to make the most of it and plan to make me another chart.

--I expected things to happen a bit more naturally i.e. if Im not working then suddenly I'd be motivated to do all the things that I've been putting off. Losing weight, little projects at the house. Kind of unrealistic in hindsight, but I really thought that if I take off the stress of work and the kids go to school during the day, then I would have all this ME time, and I'd be so productive.....I always told myself, 'If I just had the time'.  Well, that hasn't been the case. The first week I was crazy productive when the kids went back to school because the cleaning lady was coming and we needed a serious overhaul and organization.  Starting the second week, though, I noticed that I started to come home and read my emails, take a nap.  Then a few more days I was taking a nap, then it seemed like every day.  I was starting to get upset w/ myself so after digging some more w/ therapist I've learned that I am very externally motivated. If there is a crunch time, or deadline, that is when I will go into action. If it's not there, I tend to stay at rest. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I was a crammer in school, always waited until the last minute. Now that I am home and nothing is DUE, it is really hard, unnatural, and uncomfortable for me to be super productive when there is no real deadline. Ive worked with deadlines for a majority of my life. We've been working on this by figure out how to put some schedule in place, also adding some things like volunteering at the school if we can. Work in progress.

--The other thing that's at play here is that even though I'm sleeping a bit better, it's still not great. I still wake up a lot during the night and am tired/groggy the next day. Especially when caffeine is in the mix. I fully expected that I would have a lot more natural energy now that the major stress of work is off my plate and I've had some recovery time. Maybe that's unrealistic also because it's really only been 6 weeks that I've truly had the time off and kids are back in school.  I haven't worked since April but the last 6 months were anything but a break. My body has been under serious fatigue and stress for so many years....it will take more than 6 weeks to turn all that around. Now that I'm thinking through this, I did have a crazy expectation that just because I was at home and kids were at school that everything would 'click' and I would jump into getting all of these things accomplished. I need more patience and grace for myself here. My body probably IS still tired....it probably does still need additional rest and relaxation. As for the sleep, I did try melatonin again and I'm not a fan. The one I tried gave me an emotional dip the next day, it felt like....so no thank you. I think at my next annual check up I'll ask the Dr. I did do a sleep study a few years back and they said that I have mild apnea and could use a machine during sleep. I did go back for the 'fitting' where they put one on you over night and unfortunately it was the worst night of sleep in my life. I will not do the machine, no way. So, there has to be other options, I would think.

--I LOVE LOVE having time where I can just sit, be still, and have no distractions.  It does my sense of well-being so good to just have that decompression time.

--I'm doing so-so with the cooking. I find that I do much better making good meals during the week, then by the weekend, I'm like nah, I'm done cooking. I also need to branch out a bit more and try some new recipes.  I can't even say it's because my kids are picky that I'm not trying....I am still intimidated a bit in the kitchen with making things. I'm not super comfortable 'whipping things up', so I need to keep at it. I've learned to make some really good things like pork tenderloins, couscous, and a vegetable. That's probably one of their favorite dishes.

I think those are the major experiences/learnings thus far. Some things are harder, progress is not linear, and I love ME time.

Back to school.....my girl is flourishing being back, however she's had a bit of issue w/ her school work. She's not been a fan of math and the teacher emailed me to say that she noticed she's not taking her time, which in turn is bringing her scores down. My girl and I talked about it and the poor thing was worried she was in trouble. I always tell the kids that if they tried their best, that's all I ask. I don't worry about the scores. The teacher told me she was going to implement a few tools in class to help her slow down as well, so we will see how it goes. As for my son, he's bored to tears. I think I am resigning myself to the fact that he will not learn much in kinder. Not sure if I wrote about this, but I learned too late from his current teacher that they had testing to see if he should actually skip directly into first grade now. I asked the teacher/counselor, and even escalated the issue to the principal that if I didn't even know about this testing, how could I have even submitted?? They sent the issue to whoever was in charge of this and they simply said no, missed the deadline. Honestly I was waffling on whether moving him up was the right decision because he does still need to learn social skills, etc.. and would it make sense to put him up where he'd for sure be the youngest in his class? I was torn, honestly....academically he for sure fits better with first grade, but not sure all the rest made sense. Anyway, moot point since they refused to test him anyway, even after deadline. The teacher said they would work on some more challenging things with him in small circle. It's funny he'll come home and say he did 'baby math'. I look at the sheets coming home and he's right. He did this stuff in prek 3-4. Shapes, numbers, etc.. C'mon. I'm really surprised at the curriculum and actually was able to talk w/ my friend who's daughter is 4 and goes to prek still. She showed me her daughter's journal that she writes sentences in every day. At 4!  That's the kind of thing my son should be doing in kinder.  I did submit the form to have him tested for Gifted and talented program due to his crazy math skills, so will see about that. Although, even if he's accepted, they only do a few hours a week w/ the kinder and it isn't until January do they even start it. So, I'll need to stay close to his teacher to be more intentional on what exactly he can learn that's extra now. The last thing I want is for him to not like school because he's bored. 

Kind of reminds me of when I was growing up. We were in rural farm country in middle america and 35 years ago they didn't have any kind of talented and gifted program. My mom knew I was a bright kid, taught myself to read at 4 etc, and felt the same way about me when I entered school--I'd be bored. So,  I don't know how all this transpired but my mom partnered w a friend to actually start a TAG program at our school--she taught some of it from what I remember. Now there's advocating or your kid.....no program available, so....go make one! And that was pre-internet.

Overall, I'm glad to be where I am right now. We're doing okay and I'm finding my way.

Tears and Cheers

I feel like I've been crying an awful lot these last few weeks.  I think for a variety of reasons.....lots of change all at once, losing my dear Fatboy, my baby started kinder, football season started again (these were happy tears when hearing the star spangled banner before tonight's game--I didn't realize how much I missed live sports over the last 6 months, and whenever I hear that song I fondly remember my days of playing sports and it just make my heart swell). My son asked me if I was crying while watching and I said yes, but these are happy ones.

In person school started on Tuesday and so far the report is pretty good.  The night before the first day my girl was so excited she kept saying, 'finally!, finally we get to go back!'.  Also, that night they were so cute as they were coloring together on the living room floor. As I was watching the tears started rolling. My girl noticed and came and wiped my tear--it was so sweet. I was thinking about how I hope their relationship stays as close as it is now. Yes they bicker, but what siblings don't?  In that moment I was feeling so grateful and thankful for them. 

The kids were so excited about the next day that neither of them went to sleep before 10pm. The first day when I woke up, my son was already out of the bed (like 6:45am) so I went to go find him. His bedroom door was closed so I opened it to find both of them on his floor, already dressed and hair done, doing some kind of craft. They told me HA their plan worked and they did all of this without me knowing. As we started getting ready for school my girl kept squealing with excitement. She kept saying she was so excited and just couldn't wait to go. My son was a bit more subdued but her excitement was contagious. We headed out the door around 7:30am and got in the long drop off line.....we got to talk about her walking him to his classroom, getting their masks on as soon as we hit the parking drive, what they were going to eat for lunch, etc...my son was getting quiet so I asked how he was feeling and he gave me a so-so with his hand. I told him its totally normal to be nervous especially going to a new school.  We quickly made it to the drop off section and this year they open their own doors....they both crawled out, we all said goodbye/love you's. Then, my girl ran into her PE coach outside and i could overhear her proudly say, 'This is my brother!" He then encouraged her to make sure she walked her brother to class. Then they both walked into the building and got lost from my sight in the sea of kids.

As I drove away I thought i would cry, but that didn't happen until i got home. I walked in the door and right then that very uncomfortable, life sucked out of the house, creepy quietness happened. And I just thought about both of my babies in school. And me at home....and tears welled up.  I was initially worried about what I would do "all day" however, over the last several days I'm realizing these hours get eaten up really fast.  The first day I spent several hours dealing with our cable provider technician at the house, doing emails, making phone calls, researching masks....and next thing I knew it was 2:00pm! School hours are from 7:55-3:05pm, so I went for a bite to eat and picked them up from school.

My girl came out the door first and she runs over to me saying "That was the best day EVER! School is amazing!"....I was just SO happy to see her so happy. I hugged her and then waited for my son to come out. He has not been to all day school so I knew to expect him to be tired. They have a number system so you have to hold up your number for the kinder and they call back for them once they see it.  So, once he was called , came out the door, and saw me he came running. There is not much of a better feeling than to have your kids see you, light up, then run into your arms. I asked how he was doing and the first thing he said was, "Im Exhaaausted!".  Of course I asked him what he thought and he said he was disappointed because they didn't do any subjects.  He really really wants to do math like his sister and doesn't really get that they don't do that in kinder. But, I do agree with him that he probably isn't learning too much new.

When we got home my girl was still running on adrenaline and bouncing around....my son crashed on the sofa and just laid there. He was really cranky so I kind of just let him decompress. The one thing I don't like about his schedule is that they have kinder eat lunch first and they start it at 10:30 am! That's crazy early in my opinion, especially if we don't eat dinner until maybe 5:30pm, that's a really long time without a meal. They do let them have snack in the afternoon, but it's just a way different schedule than he's used to. He did get a second wind after dinner, but I knew the transition wasn't going to be easy.

The second day of school went off without a hitch, but this time when my girl came out she didn't have the same pep in her step. She looked so tired and was reeeally cranky. It was her turn to be exhausted. And ironically, my son did much better on day two and had enough energy after school to ask if we could ride bikes. It was my turn to be exhausted because I had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep because I drank caffeine at Tuesday lunch.  Then, my girl told me last night that her throat started hurting and I was like, omg, did she really get sick after only 1 day of school?!  Sure enough, this morning she said her throat was really hurting and she was sniffling.  I think it's only a head cold, she doesn't have a fever...so I gave her some motrin this am to see if it would help her some.  She is still having a hard time falling asleep at night....it's been an issue for awhile, but during the summer it was ok because she could sleep in and 'catch up'. She needs about 11-12 hours and my son needs about 10-11. Im paying really close attention because when she starts to get into a sleep deficit, things start not going well at all. She definitely is starting that.....and of course her brother decides to wake her at 6:30am this morning! So, will see how it goes over the next week or so.

After realizing the day goes by pretty quick, I figured out that I need to start prioritizing my day so I focus on the things I need to do/ and want to do.  I was so proud of myself because the cleaning lady was coming on Wednesday, so I needed to clean before they came. That means pick up. Our house had gotten out of control over the last few weeks and every room was a disaster. So, I had a mission to get everything picked up except the toy room by Wednesday. And we did it. But, during the day I decided that their craft supplies were completely a disaster. I have several 3 and 4 drawer organizing things for paint, paper, pencils, glue, glitter, scissors, craft activities, craft supplies, coloring books, etc..that I took everything that was supposed to go in there in the living room and brought it ALL in there to dump and reorganize.  Just that job took about 3 hours. I had to sort through the neighbor's donation of craft things as well (which was a ton of beads, small rubber band bracelet makers, etc) and decide what we wanted. I'm all for sharing/donating things, but they hadn't even taken out the trash items like a paperplate with paint on it, etc..  Once that job was done I felt SO good about how organized it was. It was really motivating. I even decided to get a label-maker and can't wait to label stuff. So nerdy.

One of the things I committed to do with my time was to start exercising again. My therapist challenged me to set a time for it and work around that. Well, I prioritized cleaning and organizing, catching up on phone calls and emails instead of that so far this first week.  We talked in my appointment today about my self-care and that I haven't been doing the best at it-to put it mildly. I've also been mildly resistant to the concept of 'self-care', but when she framed it up as prioritizing, well, that clicked for me. I have a much better connection to that word and AHA, I know what prioritizing me should look like.  I thought back to the before kids era and really had no issue with doing things for myself whenever I decided to....it was after having kids that I simply stopped focusing on me. I prioritized my kids first, my job, my renovation projects....and really after that had no energy left over for me. I also realized how much I've been running on fumes these last few years. I just didn't have it in me to do much more and if it was a choice between sleeping/napping and exercising--yeah, sleep won every time. I was in major burnout and I really need time now to just recover--physically and mentally.  So, I'm now going to be working on changing almost a decade of habit. 

A positive change I've already noticed is just how much lighter I feel with the work stress gone. Until it was absent, i wasn't really conscious of how heavy and how much of a load that really was. The other thing is, with the kids going back to school I have daily ME time and I'm really really loving it. I'm also not drinking caffeine daily so my quality of sleep is getting better...now quantity is still an issue, but one thing at a time. Also, I'm not eating out lunch every day and we are cooking more often...so nutritionally I'm doing better.  Basically less stress, time for ME, sleeping better, eating better = feeling better!  I'm starting to get excited about things....once I reorganized the crafts my mind was racing with what my next project will be? What else can I label with my new label maker? I was initially worried about whether I would come home after dropping off the kids and crawl back in bed and sleep the time away. I did take a little nap this morning, but I was still pretty productive.  It's ironic because I actually have so many ideas floating in my head like: I need to get my hair done for the first time since November, I should organize the garage!, I should sort through the years' worth of kids' school papers into the bins I've had sitting there for the same amount of time. So, there just isn't a lack of things to do.....it's really what do I want to tackle first?

I truly think the universe/stars/moon aligned with me stopping work just as the pandemic was breaking out.....I was able to be here everyday all day for the last 6 months for my children, and now it's time to really really take the time to focus inward, relax, reflect, and rejuvenate. Oh, that sounds so good. I think I'm off to a really good start.

PS I also volunteered for my very first school thing. They were asking for parent representatives for a committee action board, which the principal, teachers, and some community members are on. I nominated myself several weeks ago and just found out I was chosen. I'm not really sure what the 'ask' is going to be, but i thought why not? I would like to get more involved at the school and thought this was a good way to try. Will see how it goes.

We made it

This past Friday marks the end of scheduled home school......and we made it!  It was 2 1/2 weeks. I say 'scheduled' because the kids are going back to school in person on Tuesday, but time will tell how that will work, if people get sick, and they shut down again like back in March. Strange to say that the kids have not been in a school for the last 6 months.

Overall I think it went ok.  My son did much better than I expected because his attention span somehow got much longer. Perhaps it's the watching pb.skids on my phone in the mornings ;) He had a very light schedule with a few zooms a day and a few assignments to do here and there. Most of his work was watching videos. So, I'm quite certain he hasn't learned much academically, so will see how that changes for in person.  My girl had a few bumps in the road with resistance to doing some of the work. I learned quickly that we can't wait until the end of the school day to do the assignments. Much better to do in late morning or after she's eaten lunch.  We got most of her work done, I didn't worry about Art class and I didn't worry about a few synonym/antonym exercises in her journal. The checklist person in me wanted us to do it all, have it all marked off yes, we did it.....but the logical side won and it just wasn't worth it.

School starts Tuesday in person and we are ready. They changed the guidelines in that all kids in all grades now will wear masks into the school, in hallways, etc.. (before it was just grade 4 and above, and just recommended for the littler ones). I think it makes sense, but I'm not sure how my son will do with it. He complains about getting hot, etc. and Im the same way. The school recommended mask lanyards so the kids can easily take them off and not lose them, or put them on the floor, etc..which our old nanny is mailing some with their name on them w/ beads. Very cute. Hope they work for them. They won't have the first day, but will by Wednesday, I think.

I'm actually having a hard time. Transition is not easy for me, and I worry about being lonely during the day.  Even though I stopped working back in April, the kids have been home full time with me this whole time. I haven't actually been here during the day when they've been at school, so I just don't know how I will or wont like it?? Maybe I'm thinking back to when they were not here at all for the small trip they had, and I really didn't like it at all them not being here. Also, I've learned when I have more to do, I actually do more.....so in a way, the kids motivate me to keep up w/ house cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc.. Am I going to come back and just sit here all day because I can? Of course this is what I planned on i.e. having the 'me time' to focus on my mental and physical health, which I've already started......but I have to be honest and say I'm feeling nervous about the change.  I'm working with my therapist to make this the most productive time. She's challenged me to schedule some things in my day that are non-negotiable. So, I build my day around that.  For now, that will be working out. I'm going to do at least 30 minutes a day during the school week. I'm going to play around with when is the best time in my day to do, and see how it goes.

Something that's been going well is: Im actually really proud of how I've challenged myself in the kitchen. One thing that happened over the last month is we got WAY off track with eating out. I got lazy and I could be easily swayed to pick up lunch somewhere. For some reason last weekend I just had kind of had it. I wasn't feeling good and I know it's not nutritious for any of us....So, I made a commitment that we would only eat out once a week, kids could choose when.  Therefore, since Monday of last week we've eaten all of our meals at home, and we only went to have mexican yesterday for lunch. AND I can't believe it but I didn't even have a diet coke. I'm working on giving that up too. I think this past week I've only had 3 cans. That's really good for me. I had totally fallen off the wagon there too.  Clearly if we aren't picking up our meals, we need to eat at home. So, we did a huge haul at a few grocery stores and made it happen. I actually cooked my first lasagna (did not turn out, very runny and flavor was off), I also made hamburgers with a recipe for the first time ever. Those turned out much better....I used breadcrumbs/egg, etc.. My girl loved them! She even ate a left over one the next day--huge hit. What I think is happening is that the more time I spend in the kitchen, the more confident I am getting. And, if we aren't eating out, I don't want to get bored eating the same things, so I'm wanting to try new recipes. I still don't love the mess, but I feel like I've stretched myself a bit in the kitchen and I'm really proud of myself.

My first lasagna

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Something in the really sad news: Our poor ole Fat Boy. I am SO SO sad. For some reason it took a bit of time to sink in, and now that it's been a week or so, I am missing him terribly. He was 14 and he lived a lot of life with me. I got him in 2006 with his brother when my mom was living with me--she thought we needed some cats. So fine, we got some cats.  They were shelter cats and there was a litter where two looked like my Fat Boy  (siamese-ish) and two looked like Moses (orange tabby) his brother, so I got one of each. His brother ended up having a kidney issue, did not do well at all after my girl was born, so he was only 6 or 7 when he died. But ole fatboy, even being overweight, was pretty healthy all these years. A few years ago he started having some joint issues and slowing down a bit....but I gave him weekly medicine for that.  Then, at the end of July I noticed he was really really licking his hind left leg. He always licked a lot so at first I didn't notice too much, but then I happened to see a bit of a lump. I watched it for a bit and it seemed to grow bigger so I decided I definitely needed to take him in to the vet. That was on July 28th.

Here’s when we had “Father’s Day” for our Fatboy

They usually have to sedate him for his check ups because he really didn't like going there....he turned into a fighter/hisser....and being such a big boy (at one point 22 lbs)  it was just safer to do. So when Dr. C.  had him sedated she called me to see if I wanted to do a biopsy. I asked her if the treatment would be different whether we did it or not, and she said no...so I chose not to at the time. They did an xray and labwork on him and initially she said it was a polyarthritis, and what we were seeing was severe inflammation. She said if it was an osteosarcoma or bone cancer they could tell that on the xray, and it was not that. However, my gut just didn't believe that. His lump was hard as could be, and I kept asking her, are you sure?? Really??. BUT, without the biopsy they just kept saying it was this swelling. So, they gave him a steroid shot there, and we put him on some serious steroids at home and some pain medicine. So, he was now on medicine everyday twice a day. She did say that this was not a long term treatment because a cat his size would get diabetes with the amount of steroid we were trying. She said that we are doing palliative care now.  Boy did that word bring up some triggers for me. When we got to palliative care with my mom, it was heartbreaking. We tried so hard to keep her strength and health good enough to be able to go into another clinical trial....but just never made it.  The thing with palliative care as well, is that you worked so long and with these doctors to fight, and when it turns palliative you get a whole new group of people working with you.  You build these relationships over years and then it just ends, like that. 

So with Fatboy, the vet we've known and have worked with since he was born (14 years) whenever we lived in this city we went to see her--Dr. C. She mentioned there is a service that has palliative care for cats and has heard really good reviews. They come to your home, and help manage things until end of life. It sounded good in theory, but I didn't want a new set of Doctors. I wanted Dr. C. I just wanted to lean on her through this hard time because I knew her and trusted her. Also, I thought through losing Fatboy at home and that also brought up some hard memories since my mom passed away at home. I made the decision that I did not want that memory. I wanted to remember my ole boy the way he was at our house. 

We were able to manage okay after that first visit-he was actually doing ok. He seemed to be feeling ok, eating okay, using the sandbox. He still wanted to be around everyone, just with a bit of a limp. However, the lump size changed aggressively and it just got bigger. Then, I noticed one morning his paw had swollen up like a baseball mit. That scared me. I called the vets office (my Dr. was out on vacation) and asked if I could bring him in to see one of the others. I'm not impressed with the other Dr's but I had no choice. The other vet said it could possibly be an infection and we could start him on some antibiotics. I asked her if it was his time, and she said we didn't have to make that decision yet. I also told her that I changed my mind and I DID want to do the biopsy. I wanted to know exactly what was happening to him....I felt like if I didn't do it, I would wonder for the rest of my life. So, she was able to do it, send it off, and in the meantime send an RX to the pharmacy that makes the medicine chews..who knew he would love those chews, like they were treats for him.  Turned out trying to get his RX at the chew pharmacy was not a good decision because there was nothing urgent about them getting his medicine. Long story short, they couldn't get it filled fast enough so I called the Dr. office the next day and was able to run in and pick up some there.

By this time I just wanted to talk to my Dr. C. She knew Fatboy, she knew me.....and I just wanted her. I figured after all these years, I should at least be able to talk to her. So, on Tuesday night I sent an email asking if I could just speak to her....not to take away from the other vet, but I just needed her.  I was so happy they wrote back right away and said her vacation was cut short and she was actually going to be in the next day Wednesday, and she would call me in the am.So, sure enough she did call me and basically told me after looking at all the notes, it was his time. She still didn't have the results from the biopsy but really there was nothing else they could do for him and it was only going to get worse. I knew.....but I just needed to hear it from her.  I asked her if she would be there and could I bring him. She was there, and I brought him.  It was agonizing and I don't want to relive it again now. Suffice it to say, I could not stop bawling and just kept telling him how much I loved him. How much of a good boy he was.....ah crap, here come the tears.  

I really do miss him terribly.  Dr. C called me the next day on Thursday and said they got the results of the biopsy--and sure enough, they found cancer cells.  My gut was just telling me that likely it was cancer, and now I know. It was really a bad one because from the time the lump appeared to when his paw was so bad, it was only about a month.

At first it was a bit of relief that he was out of pain and my worry about him and what to do next subsided...but.....now.......it's just a bit of a hole/emptiness for me in the house and I am so sad. He was just always here with us. He followed us from room to room and was always just there. Whenever we played games on the floor he'd sit nearby so I could pet him, or sometimes come right in the middle of the cards and plop down, wag his tail in our faces.....even now as I'm typing in the recliner, he'd always come over and get up on his hind legs and put his two front paws on the armchair and nudge my arm with his head. Pet me mom! His meows, and funny gurgle noise he used to make every now and then....his super stinky sandbox I changed like twice a week. Over the last month we loved on him a lot....I cuddled with him when we all were laying on the floor, my girl pet him a ton.....my son never really bonded with him and Fatboy bit him a time or two, so they kind of stayed away from each other. Whenever I laid on the couch and my arm hung off the side without a doubt he'd come and nudge me with his hand. I could never sleep overnight on the couch because he'd get up on his hind legs and budge my arms with his head and his cold nose.

We lived a lot of life together me and ole FatBoy....my mom's passing in 2008, a move to new state for job transfer in 2009, a move back here for new company to an apartment while searching for home in 2011, a move to new home, a babygirl in 2012, a move again to old company in 2013 in same new state in temp apartment, a move into rental home, a baby boy in 2014, a move back here again in 2015 with new company to an apartment while our house was being remodeled, and then move to our house now where we've been for 5 years.

He's just always been here......and I miss him dearly right now. My ole boy.

And.....if all that wasn't enough, my back went out something fierce. It's been a long time since I had any issues and I just happened to be bending over in the kitchen with a towel at a funny angle and...agh! I knew right when it happened this wasn't going to be good. It wasn't.....for a day I actually couldn't move without intense/searing pain. By the next day I decided to do a telemed visit and thankfully she prescribed some steriods and muscle relaxers. It took several more days for it to feel better and I could be more mobile. I'm on the mend and back to pretty much moving all around....I still have lingering inflammation/tenderness.....but I'm back to swimming and biking with the kids, so I am managing.

And finally-the nanny we had over the last year decided to create some drama and basically 'resign' the day before her last day this past Saturday. She was already moving to a new job (which I knew) and the kids are going back to school next week. So saying 'resign' was a bit odd--really it was just she didn't want to come this past Saturday. So, she sent this long text....because that generation doesn't know how to communicate verbally.....that she was upset about some things. I had a feeling she might be upset because rewind to a week before and sadly her grandpa passed away from Covid. She went to the funeral and I did not feel comfortable w/ her coming back to work until 10 days passed. She desperately needs money and didn't like that I had her wait, and apparently was also upset that I wouldn't download an app to pay her, because the checks we've been using for over a year she decided weren't convenient anymore. I found this out only because I called her right when she texted me.....that is my generation! Anyway, I told her that the kids were looking forward to her coming and please don't disappoint them. She said she wasn't coming.....even when she had confirmed no less than 24 hours earlier that she was in fact coming, no problem. So you can imagine my surprise at getting her long text.

Honestly I dont really know what happened and why all of a sudden she texted...it really was unnecessary because she was already done working for us. She simply could have said hey, i can't come Saturday, but great working with you all. The part that upsets me -other than her breaking her word on numerous occasions and calling off last minute--is that the relationship we spent a year building is broken needlessly. I don't feel comfortable calling her now and saying hey, you want to babysit or see the kids? And it's another caretaker that likely won't be in the kids lives anymore. Just like that. The funny thing is, she said she would still hang out with the kids because she told them she would. Umm......when you burn the bridge with mama, it doesn't work like that. Maybe after some time passes, I'll feel differently. 

A lot of things have happened over the last month, I guess. After typing it all out and reflecting....it was stressful (and painful!) at certain points, and feelings of loss in different ways have definitely come up. Trying to work through all of that and focus on making the transition to school the best it can be for the kids.