Reopening Halted

Big sigh. Our state is having a crazy amount of new virus cases since reopening began, ICU beds are at capacity in my city, and now they have halted reopening. The mask battle is on again and they made wearing one mandatory again in certain counties, closed bars completely again. Turns out the age group seeing the biggest spike is 30-39, then 20-29, then older 40+.
Apparently people here think they are invincible, didn’t need to wear masks, and socially distance. Apparently cramming into a bar was more important.
I’m honestly feeling mad. Mad that a lot of people don’t seem to give two craps about other people. Wearing a mask is not about you. A girl on the news said it best that following the rules is not political it’s about humanity.

I’m thinking I’m in a similar spot as others in that I’m fatigued. Is this ever going to end?? When can I go to the store and not worry I’m going to catch something that could make me die? How many bottles of sanitizer will I use? How many more times do I need to say ‘No’ to my kids and have them answer for me ‘It’s because of the virus’.?

I was starting to do more and more back in public and feeling less anxious about it. The more I did the better I felt about being back ‘out’. For example, I debated a bit about swimming classes. The school we went to last summer was offering one on one lessons for group rate in month of June. At first I ignored the email, but as time went on I thought more/did research. The instructors wore shields, they checked temps, sanitized chairs after each class, etc. SO....we did it. They’ve had class Monday and Wednesday and it’s been really good. The kids have really liked seeing other people again and getting to do something other than ride bikes and just look at parks they couldn’t play in. My son has even learned to do some strokes and last year he was just learning how to float. He’s come a long way.
We also started going to our 2 neighborhood pools once they opened. When it’s 100degrees there just isn’t much else to do. You have to stay socially distanced in the pool— which for me is easy but my extremely extroverted daughter just can’t help herself trying to play with someone other than her brother. I don’t blame her, really. She has likely felt stifled at home.
Side note, but a good one, is that we have again gotten some improvement with moods/behavior and I can’t be more grateful.

It seems that with the pause in reopening they are only shutting back down bars. Pools, retail stores, etc are remaining open.
I can only hope it helps stop the rate of infection.
The governor did say that schools will be returning to in person instruction in the fall however, given where we are now, I suspect they could roll that back too. Please no.

Overall we are hanging in there like everyone else. However, I took a look back at my goals I set up and I’m not doing so well. Not well at all.
1. No caffeine: fell off wagon. Every time we or I eat out I get a fountain Diet Coke. And I will say it’s so delicious, I love it and there’s a reason it’s addictive for me. I get a ‘good feel’ when I think about it for lunch and I get a ‘downer feel’ when Im not going to have for lunch. Ugh. I looked back and can’t believe I quit for two whole weeks. I had been working on trying to find a substitute like the caffeine free but it just isn’t that good. My therapist told me something that was a light bulb—there probably isn’t anything that will substitute. She’s probably right. But, I just don’t want to give it up right now.
2. Limiting eating out: fell off wagon. Took kids 3 x this week and we actually went in the restaurant (clearly stopping that ASAP). This one is just me being lazy and using it as a coping method.
3. Better sleep hygiene: fell off wagon. I read that one book ( actually liked it) but when my girl struggles to fall asleep sometimes until 11, I still want my ME time. That and because of the caffeine I’m simply not tired.

So, this is actually good reflecting space. I didn’t realize until now I’m just way off track. Crazy off track.  Honestly I keep telling myself just hang in until August when kids go to school...THEN I can really focus. Then I ask myself why not now? And then I tell myself I’m not sure I have it in me right now, that’s why. I’ve told myself that these are hard times. Maybe all that is excuse. Well, it kind of is, but at this moment I’m ok w it.
My mental conversation at its finest.

On some happier news, this has been a major summer of firsts for my son.
He:
Learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels
Lost his first tooth
Potty trained overnight (yes!) He simply decided one day he was ready. That’s how he does things.
Learned how to swim
Got his first pair of goggles
Jumped off diving board for first time
Got a new bed
Held a baby for the first time
Finished preschool

Some exciting, fun things during this crazy time in our lives.

Hope you all are staying safe and healthy.

Emotional Day

My sister told me awhile ago that even tough my Dad was cremated, the woman he married bought a plot and they were going to bury him. She said they had talked and they were going to do a military salute since he retired from the navy. Considering the pandemic I assumed it would would be awhile before they did anything.
Well, my sister calls me a few days ago and said they were going to the cemetery today. I don’t have any idea why today. There isn’t a significance of this date that I am aware of. And then I started thinking and getting a bit upset. What if I did want to be there?? There’s no way I can fly, or take a several day road trip with two small children..and all at the last minute. I wouldn’t have thought given the pandemic that they would have done a graveside gathering. Ultimately I’m not sure I would have gone but not really having a choice is what bothered me the most. Although, to take some ownership I could have asked about it
As we talked again yesterday she told me that my estranged sister, one of my dad’s two sisters, my sister I talk to, and my brother were going. We tried to figure the last time she/we saw my other sister and it’s been 6 years we think. Since my niece graduated high school and she’s now 24. She wasn’t sure if my sister was coming alone or bringing her husband and/or 3 kids (24,will be 22, will be 20 this year).
Just thinking about everyone getting together brought up anxiety for me. There’s so much history and real reasons why we are estranged from my sister and her kids. It can be a bad recipe when there’s emotions, not seeing each other for years, and putting all that in the same area. The sister I talk to also has a hard time holding back when she’s upset. It’s actually just sad. We all lived under the same roof growing up.
I had told a friend of mine over this past weekend about the funeral and she asked about whether I was joining by FaceT.ime? I hadn’t even thought about it and mentioned it to my sister yesterday. We agreed we would do it.

So, today I attended my Dads funeral by face.time. I ‘rode’ in the car with my sister and brother to the cemetery. My brother is actually going to be 40 this year and us girls are 45,47,49. Wow.
The people in person were my sister, brother, my estranged sister and her 3 kids, one of my dad’s sisters (who is in her 90s) and her friend, and the woman my dad married. I say it like that because my mom was his wife. Period.

(Pause for me to sob for a minute).

I’m just thinking about my mom/dad married and how fractured we became after she passed—this year will be 12 years. Now, both my parents are gone and I haven’t seen my estranged sister in 6 years. She’s never met my son. My sister I talk to has a lot of struggles, and I’m not that close with my brother. I’m processing these emotions real time as I’m writing this out.

Back to the car ride we pull up to cemetery and there’s a tractor next to a plot. I asked my brother why there is a tractor, but he doesn’t hear me. It’s raining hard there, which feels fitting. My brother turned the camera around as we all watched them putting dirt over the box. They ended up not being able to get the salute due to the pandemic (no surprise and why the timing was confusing) so my nephew played the salute. It was quiet no one said a word.
Once the man put all the dirt on he simply turned on his tractor and left. My brother asked if I wanted to see the plaque and I did. I didn’t have much emotion until I saw his name, date of birth, date of death.

(Pause. Lots more crying)

Then, it was over. No speeches, no talking. Just quiet, respectful.

They all decided then that they would gather at a restaurant. As everyone was getting ready to go something just came over me and I wanted my estranged sister to see ‘meet’ my kids. I send her Christmas picture cards every year but she only saw my daughter when she was 2 and never met my son. She was crying/hugging my brother and said yes. So, I called in my girl and my son and explained this was my sister and brother. I hear my sister saying my son looks just like me. My daughter showed them one of her toys and my son showed them his missing tooth. And just like that they were off again. But not before asking why I was crying.

My brother and other sister took me back in the car and we debriefed for a few minutes. I said that lunch could be tough but we all need to be kind. My sister asked if I was talking about her and I just said...’well..?’. She got the point.

That was much more emotional than I expected or was prepared for. Actually, when my sister initially called I was still in bed.  Babysitter came this morning so I was just using my time to rest/relax.

I’m sure I’ll hear more after the lunch. I just hope they can all be civil to each other. I hope no one mentions money ie that my dad willed everything to that woman. That my dad took over my moms 30k stock which was supposed to be used for grandkid education and willed it to her. That my estranged sister made a lot of bad choices. Yes, please universe let them eat in peace.

Reopening Phase III

At least I think we are in phase III now. I think restaurants are at 50% capacity now, pools are going to open soon (our neighborhood one June 1). Wearing masks is still a big issue because some places require them, some recommend them....and depending on where you go as many as half the people can be without a mask. I have to be honest that I’ve given ‘mad eye’ to a few people because it was clear they could just care less, walking a few inches away from me without their mask. I think it’s just rude. My view is they should be required everywhere. And, wearing a mask does not consist of having it around your neck and not your face, hanging off one ear, or not covering your nose and mouth. I get they are uncomfortable and hot-especially here where we already had a day with the ‘feels like’ temp 104). I feel sometimes like I just can’t get enough air and have to poke my nose out for a few seconds to breathe every now and then. But, I will keep wearing one, that’s for sure.
As this has gone on, I’m starting to feel a ‘little’ less anxious about going places and rejoining society again. Our state has a large number of cases but a continually low death rate. I look up numbers a few times a day. In fact I’m finding that im much more tied to my phone with numbers and news. The US just crossed the 100,000 mark for deaths today. Just have no words.

In our day to day lives: School is done, yes thank you universe. Man that really was a struggle here. No more zoom, no more arguments about doing one thing that would literally take 5 minutes if there was no argument.
I’m so glad it’s over, it really is a relief.  Now, nobody knows yet what the fall will look like...but, I’m going to remain hopeful that they can go back to school. My son will start kinder and my girl will be in third grade.

Some exciting news my son has his first wiggly tooth. I can’t believe it’s time already—he’s 5 1/2! It happened at my neighbors’ pool when he was biting into an apple. He said it hurt, but it didn’t register with me why that could be so I said let me take a look. Sure enough, wiggly. It’s his bottom left. I’m such a cryer that later after I thought about it more I got teary. My baby not such a baby anymore. Side note: our neighbor across the street Stewart said they were going camping this weekend and we could use their pool! It was such a nice thing for him to do. It was our first time using it. They did invite us last summer but I just didn’t take them up on it. Maybe I will now, since it was so easy/lovely just walking across the street (and avoiding a burning hot, sticky car ride) It also gave the kids a way to get a ton of exercise—one day we went twice. They both slept much better those nights.

We are still having some tough times with moods and behavior. I’ve lost my temper more often recently and that just doesn’t feel good at all. After I get to a certain point I just holler. I always apologize for it, but when you find yourself apologizing a lot...well, I need to do better.
The hardest thing for me lately is when it goes from him, to her, to him in terms of meltdowns. Today my son had 3 meltdowns, which is unusual for him, and my daughter had her fair share mixed in there too. It makes me wonder whether I just have tougher kids OR if this is normal? I do know my girl has some issues that are unresolved which contributes...but man, I just want a day where it goes smoothly for both of them all day. Maybe?? At least I can say my son is hitting less.  I amped up his consequence to a 15 minute sit and stopped allowing the old school pink panther they were watching. It actually has a lot of canons, etc and things not so good for littles. Maybe it was one, the other, both, or neither...I’m just thankful it’s gotten better.

One thing that’s been popping back in my mind recently is that third baby. Why Oh Why? I just for the life can’t figure out why my heart won’t let it go. Part of the reason may be that I found out my insurance has fertility coverage. It could also be that my old coworker I keep in touch with is over 40 and having her second baby tomorrow. It could also be that I did a large purge through the house and had many boxes sitting in my garage ready to donate—which I did this weekend. It included a lot of their younger toys, books, furniture (my girls crib “sniff”) etc. Awhile back I  also gave our babysitter( she’s not really our nanny anymore I guess) a carload of my girl’s things like her infant car seat, our jumperoo, baby bath, boppies, etc. really nice things. I cried a lot that day. I do sometimes have a hard time getting rid of ‘stuff’. For example after I donated this weekend I kept thinking about the ABC sesame table that I found on someone’s curb that we’ve had since both were little. I wanted to go get it back. But I didn’t. I’m not sure where this will go, but I just would like some peace.

My mode these days is to literally think just about today. What are we going to do? What are we going to eat? If I think about the fact that it’s 2 1/2 months until ‘maybe’ the kids go to school..it just seems like a long long time away. We’ve been super active with bike rides, cleaning house, etc and I know that will continue. I also try to chip away at my ‘to do’ list like closing out my taxes, following up on ‘stuff’.
Hopefully I can build in some ‘fun’ for us over next several weeks.

Reopening

I live in a state where things are slowly starting to reopen.  It's actually hard to keep track of what is opening when, however. I know last week we started with allowing restaurants to open at 25% capacity, parks opened, and I think movie theaters w/ appropriate social distancing measures in place. I'm not sure about retail that's not Tar.get, or gyms, etc.. Things feel a bit blurry w/ what's opening and when. Another thing that seems blurry (and frightening) is I reread over my last several posts and at one point my state hadn't had any confirmed deaths and we now have over a thousand.  The U.S. death total was at one point 20,000 and now it's close to 80k, if not over that already. How quickly it's happened. I read a particular newspaper that updates several times daily and I do my look through probably twice a day to see 1) U.S. cases/deaths 2) Our states cases/deaths...and look at the curves to see how they are trending. Was hoping for a dramatic mountain looking curve, but clearly that's not happening....when our state reopened, cases started increasing again, which clearly isn't a surprise.

I've tried to figure out what any of it means for my family and honestly I'm not sure. I've read a few articles on, So, can we go the park now? Can we hug our friends? Will schools open in the fall?  It seems that there's a different opinion depending on what specialist is answering. What I've gathered is yes, things are reopening but it's a matter of risk vs reward and is what you want to do worth it to you?
I tried that out last week.  It's been 6 weeks since I've eaten in a restaurant. I had our nanny over this past Thursday and had some ME time. I weighed in my mind whether I should even try it, but I decided to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant, see the set up, and then make a decision.  I was pretty impressed. There were 6 ft places to wait if it was full, tables had signs on them that showed 'closed', all staff was wearing masks and gloves, they handed out paper menus and paper chip containers, bleach spray bottles at the ready. Once I saw the set up I decided to try it. The food tasted SO good. BUT, I could not stop thinking about infection. Was I touching a part of the table they didn't disinfect. Were the people 10 ft away from me healthy? Was the cook wearing a mask? I tried to quiet the voice, but it just didn't work. I was worried almost the whole time I was there.
AND, not only worried when I was there.....but afterwards I kept thinking that if this was the one activity that got me/us sick, I would have a hard time being ok w/ that.
Result: Not worth it to me at all.

We will continue our take out and eating outside every now and then...not playing on any playground equipment, I'll be wearing masks/gloves at the grocery store--a friend mailed me some gloves, thankfully. And we will continue doing what we've been doing.  The kids know the parks are open and have asked to play but I've let them know I'm just not comfortable yet. They see other kids all over the equipment and of course want to, but just not yet. We will continue w/ our bike rides, playing in the driveway, and cul-de-sac for now.

School is almost over. Technically it finishes next Thursday May 21, but for some reason they had us do the drive by to the school today to turn in any books/equipment. Once you drove up w/ your bag labeled w/ your child's name, grade, and pick up number in the trunk they swapped it out w/ a bag from her classroom of anything that was left for the year. We did it this morning and it literally took only two minutes--they were very organized w/ this.
Now, they could still finish this week w/ school assignments, but because they asked for devices to be turned in today/tomorrow, they couldn't assign 'MUST DO' work this week anymore. There is a list of the 'MAY DO' but my daughter already has said she doesn't want to do it.
In a way, the academic part of the school year is over for her.  She finished her last assignment on see-saw last night.
I exhaled.
Home school has been really challenging for her/me. In the beginning it was because of all the technical difficulties we had, but after I bought the ipad it go so much better. Then, it turned into a lot of resistance and attitude. Some days I pushed us through and other days I just said nope.
One week she hadn't turned in anything by Thursday and I got an email from her teacher asking if we needed more support. Sure, if you can tell me why my daughter has completey melted down over the last month, then ok. It was nice of her to check on us, though, and I've been keeping her and her other teacher aware of the issues at home w/ behavior, etc.. Both teachers offered to do one on one zoom calls which I took them up on. In some ways it was helpful in that they could actually teach her....but with the technology and the 'mom, can you come here'...it wasn't a break by any stretch.
I think the last zoom class call is this Thursday and she'll have a last one on one w/one of her teachers.  One day I even forgot about the zoom call when I was at the restaurant, but then checked email and the teacher was willing to still do it. I thanked her profusely and she emailed back that it was no problem and she loved my girl.  That was just so nice to hear.

As much as I'm not in love w/ her school, I do feel like they did the best they could in these circumstances and really showed effort in keeping my girl connected (they also emailed when they noticed she wasn't joining zoom for awhile).  They provided a lot of support and some pretty good structure to help us through.  I think I'll be glad when it's all over-over for this year. It's been a load to carry. However, without doing school we will have to find other things to fill time!

My son was interesting....he watched a few of his teacher's lessons on the app and really didn't care for it. My biggest challenge was keeping him occupied so I could try and help my girl. Thankfully he really liked doing the worksheets and since the printer worked, I printed out all those I thought he would like. He loves the cutting, gluing ones so we have some new caterpillars and butterflies in our house. His handwriting could use some work but honestly, I'm just not worried about it. He can read, he can do math, he knows his letters, etc...he'll be just fine. He'll be ready for kinder in the fall.
His school driveby is this Thursday. We will go pick up his end of year 'stuff' and I think they are trying to do something w/ caps and pictures in the car, but not really sure.

As for me, the past two months have been so mixed. I went from being a corporate America mom w/ a full time nanny to a stay at home mom w/ kids here 24/7 and no nanny in a matter of 15 minutes on March 24th (although the kids had been home from school already from spring break as of March 9th). I had to learn how to put a schedule in place, learn how to plan for meals, cook meals, turn into to super-mom mode very quickly. I learned a lot over the last few months like trying to keep an organized house at all times is fruitless. I now just pick up along the way and when it gets too much, we have a clean time. It's OK to leave it for a few days. Burn out can happen just as easily at home as it can at the office.  Big lesson.
We've had some real challenges w/ my girls attitude, mood, and health. We are still working on that w/ her Dr.'s and not sure direction. She was diagnosed w/ bronchitis last Monday, but the medicine last week just didn't seem to help. In addition, her fatigue is one of the hardest nuts to crack, and one that we've been dealing w/ for a long time. It's made these last few months pretty tough at times.
We all needed a break from each other and having nanny come back part time (still working on what that looks like) is working out well. For now, she will come 10-15 hours a week: all day Tuesday since I found that shorter days allows me just enough time to run around and get errands done. Kind of defeats the purpose of a break for me. Then, she'll come Friday from 1-6 so I can finish anything I need to do, etc.. She is looking for full time, of course, but until she finds something else, I'd really like for her to continue coming over here. I  have no idea about summer camps and even if they had them, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable w/ that.

Some really good news is that I feel like I'm coming alive again! I move around all day (mostly) and I've noticed some really positive changes in how I feel in that my stamina is coming back, I'm sweating less! I've continued to not drink caffeine although last week was a bit of a slide w/ 4 days in a row. But since I just felt so sluggish by the 4th day it's a good reminder that I need to just quit. Addictions are hard, aren't they? I'm continuing to meet w/ my therapist via telecon at 9-10pm every Tuesday night and she's been great in helping me stay on track and help navigate our new normal. Sometimes it's more about talking through what's going on that week or that day even and how to maintain my sanity. Also, she's been great at challenging my thinking and helping me see things differently. As an example, I had been saying my girl is having 'tantrums' and she said maybe that word isn't helpful i.e. what does it connotate when you say someone is having a tantrum? It can bring up negative feelings like, here we go again/they are throwing a fit to get something, etc......But, that's not at all what's happening w/ my girl. She's having 'breakdowns'  (or whatever word I choose) sometimes and she needs my empathy. When someone is acting out it is hard to dig up that empathy, but it's so true....she doesn't want to feel like she is and act out.  But, it's in those times when my daughter needs me to be supportive of her the most and to remain calm. It's really been a lightbulb for me in reframing my own thoughts and actions.

Overall, it's not been easy by any stretch. I've learned a lot over the last few months and am beyond thankful that I am not working right now. We will stay the course with our safety precautions and keep watch until I feel more comfortable to do more.


P.S. Mother's Day was yesterday. My son made me a card, gave me some change....my daughter gave me some nice back massages (she's actually really good!), and my neighbors Ms Jan and Mr Don gave me some beautiful flowers. All were very appreciated. All of the nice things made up for the tough day we had w/ some attitudes and behaviors.

P.S.S. yes, it was inst.cart that I tried. Pretty disappointing, but was worth the try.

P.S.S.S. My son learned how to ride bike w/out training wheels. It took him 3 days and he was SO determined. The only reason he stopped each day was because I said he needed a break. Time after time of falling, etc. he just kept getting back up and trying again. He was adamant to do it his own way i.e. anytime I wanted to give a tip he would say 'Mom, I want to do it my way'. Even Mr. Don tried to tell him to use the curb and he told him, 'Nope. I'm doing it my way'. I was beyond impressed with how much he wanted this and kept working and working at it.  Some grit and determination living in that boy.  Yes!

Quarantine continued

We’ve had some ups and downs over last few weeks. I’m sure most people have considering our lives right now—lots of time at home, lots and lots of togetherness, add to that the teaching, playing referee, constant household duties....it sure is a change from my old work life.
In order to put some order in our days we came up with a loose schedule:
7-7:30 kids up
7:30-9:30 breakfast, relax, watch shows
9:30-11:00 school ( this really turns out to be more like 10:15-11:00 but at least we’re trying)
11:00-11:45 Outside if possible
12:00 Lunch
1:00-1:40 Rest time
1:40-2:30 shows
2:30-3:30 school part 2 (we just aren’t doing this at all)
3:30-4:30 play-go outside again if possible
5:00 dinner
5:30-7:00 play
7:00 bath
7:30-8:00 shows
8:00-8:30 brush teeth, potty, books, tuck in individual talk time, sleep
8:30-?? Mom relax, usually fall asleep in the recliner 11-ish, drag to bed 12-1 am.

So yes, they are watching shows 3x a day. Also I’m sorry to say I let it happen—the ‘it’ is technology. In the morning before school both kids will either watch shows or play p.bs kids games on phone and I-pad. in fact when my son wakes up he comes in my room and just says ‘phone’. I oblige and hand it over so I can rest more. I’m not proud of this one, but....

School:
We got an email last week that school is out for rest of academic year. So, that means another month or so of home schooling. I did end up buying a mini i-pad—they actually had one in stock at tar.get. We’ve been playing catch up for a bit with my daughter and think we are there. Turns out I actually had a bad internet connection ‘line’ and router so after technician fixed it...omg I had no idea how bad it actually was until it wasn’t. Our little school device is blazing fast and the links and the apps work. Yes! It’s made doing school work so much more efficient and just SO much easier. now getting her to focus and actually have a decent attitude while doing it? Working in that. I also finally found something to keep my son occupied too—turns out he really likes doing the worksheets his teacher sent via email. I can print now because after our wireless was fixed turns out that’s why the printer didn’t work. So new ink and we are off. He still doesn’t like watching the teachers lesson on the app so I just put it on in the background while he does his sheets.
I feel like we are in a way better place with the ‘groove’ of school.

Update on myself:
No Caffeine—doing really well. Stopped for about 2 weeks totally then, well, a few rough nights and a drive through lunch and I got one. In all honesty it didn’t taste as good as I remembered. I’m proud though since I didn’t fall off wagon. Got back on and stopped. ( only 4 in last month). The substitute of caffeine free actually doesn’t taste that great. Likely won’t continue with it for long which is good. Also, I have more natural energy than I thought I would. That could also be due to getting somewhat better sleep.
Sleep behavior: I made progress like going to bed at reasonable time and reading...but I’m sliding back on this one. The issue is I’m trying to claim my metime, but my daughter’s been having some sleep problems ie taking her an extra hour or more to fall asleep. She is coming out a lot and it affects my wind down time. So, I’m staying up much later again.  I’m also still struggling with staying asleep. Quality is better, but quantity has not shifted as much as I expected. Seems there’s more to it than just eliminating caffeine.
Eating Out: Initially I put in place that we would eat out 1 during week and 1 on weekend. I am totally busting that so I decided rather than keep failing, I needed to flex here. So, now we said 2 times during week and once on weekend. Feels way more doable and so far going well.
I do miss eating out, in the restaurant, by myself...but no choice to do that now anyway.

Thoughts on being a new stay at home mom:
Obviously the 24/7 wasn’t in the initial plan, but sometimes you just don’t get a choice. And even with it all coming fast and furious, you know what? I’m really kinda liking it. I had NO idea how much stress work was adding to my life. I’ve just kept slogging away trying to keep all afloat. In the absence of work it’s like a shroud/weight has been lifted. I’m not checking email 100xaday. I’m not staring at screen for hours, I’m not making the walk into the office building with the herd. I’m actually moving again! After working mostly from home for two years I’m out of my roomcave and it just feels like I’m so much more free, lighter. This,  I’m really liking.
Now, with any change there are some challenges:
--I never in my life have picked up things off the floor so much--I feel like I'm following behind them picking up all. Day. Long.  I didn’t realize how much I like an orderly house.
--I need to figure out how to get more focus time. That just may not be possible but life is still happening, phone calls, bills, etc. and  I need more than 40 minutes during their rest time to do ‘stuff’.
Last week I hit wall and felt quite stressed— I had a long talk w therapist and guess what? I’m simply putting too much pressure to do it all—keep organized house, cook nutritious food, vegetables twice a day, keep up w laundry, teaching my kids, etc. I was burning myself out pretty quickly.
She helped me put some things in perspective: what are my bare minimums? What just has to happen to feel ok? When I reframed it that way it was quite simple.... kids fed and we are healthy. Everything else can wait. I can’t believe how quickly I fell into that trap! And also what is it in me that makes me feel like I need to master it all? Guess that’s for another therapy session.
So, I dealt with stress by letting the house explode with stuff for 3 days and when I regained energy to tackle it, we did. Also, we didn’t do school one day because I didn’t want to fight to make it happen. Wasn’t worth it.
—Something else I’ve done is instituted chores. Each one gets either trash and recycling OR fat boy duty and unload dishwasher. I’m surprised by how they’ve taken to them and don’t fight me when I ask. I’ve told them that being part of a household means helping out—and not getting an allowance to do it. My girl still asks but I’m pretty firm on that one.
—I like how I feel at end of day so much better. Now it’s physical tired which I’ll take any day over mental exhaustion.
—I’m not as worried about finances as I thought I’d be. Yet, anyway.
—I’ve been able to make some pretty decent meals! I still think about trying to work in less processed food but one step at a time.

Kids
We’ve had some challenges. My son is hitting now. And he’s doing it a lot. They started by smacking each other’s rears, but now he’s doing it when he gets frustrated. And she screams when she gets frustrated. There’s some version of ‘OW! MOM HE/SHE HIT ME’ like everyday.
Nothing I’ve tried seems to stop it. I’ve discussed how else to deal with our emotions, giving them other ways to handle frustration, but alas here we are.
I think my son has handled the transition of all this better than my girl. Although when my son asked my girl at dinner the other night if she preferred mom or nanny, they both said nanny. My son said nanny was more fun, my daughter said nanny was just someone different. Suppose both of those are true. Trying not to take that one too personal.
My son still comes up with some hilarious things. For example I was singing something in my room the other day and he said “hmmm, going to have to put that in my imaginary trash can.“
Then, while sitting in the couch the other day he looks at me straight-faced and says, “Do you like being overweight”?
Now my girl....oh my girl. I’m sad to say I’ve seen a steady decline in her moods and behavior. This last week has been unbearable at times. She even had a tantrum. It’s so hard to know if it’s her anxiety picking up, her not adjusting to all the changes well? A combination? We had two days in a row of pretty rough behavior, then woke up next day and we had a great day, then again back downhill next day. I think she’s been fighting off a cold, so that could be part of it. Also, she’s been complaining more of being so tired again and she’s not sleeping well. Being tired, sick, or hungry has always been a trigger for a mood. It’s so hard to know the cause. We’ve got an appointment with dr next week just to check in.
And our nanny....guess who texted last week and asked to come back to work even though we are still in lockdown? I’ve really struggled letting go of the fact that she really left me in a lurch when all this started. She didn’t even offer to come up with options, it was really just see ya later. Then, when lockdown continued she’s thought twice about no paycheck. I know I could use a break, but I feel I’ve managed pretty well. Also, I absolutely don’t need a full time nanny, but maybe just 10 hours a week or something for awhile. I’m going to have to have that tough conversation, but I’m just putting it off for now.


Overall, considering the circumstances, I’d say we are doing just fine here. Thank goodness we’ve remained healthy. I even tried out a home delivery grocery service, but I was disappointed in the ultimate cost and they got some things wrong (like sending caffeinated soda)—and not sure how to fix since their customer service number is shut down. It was worth a try but I think I’ll use the actual grocery store next time and give their delivery service a try. I stumbled on the fact they do that when looking through apps.

I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy.

Happy Easter?

My daughter had been talking about and planning for Easter for months. She wanted to get the Easter stuff out back in February and I said not at least until March. So a few weeks ago we went through our stash to see what we needed—just a few more plastic eggs and my girl just ‘had’ to get bunny ears. It is strange, though, preparing for a holiday right now. From the small things like not being able to shop alone to the big things like thinking about all those 20,000+ families that have lost someone. Even as I was blowing up a swimming tube a friend sent and taking my deep breath I thought about all of the people fighting just to breathe. Such a contradiction to celebrate for me. Thankfully the kids have been mostly shielded from what is happening. I don’t watch the news around them. I’ve simply explained there is a bad virus and things are closed to keep people safe.

Our Easter has been ‘interesting’ to say the least. I’m not a fan of messy things like glue and glitter. Well, I’ll now add egg dye to the mix. I’ve found other ways to decorate in years past but this year I thought they might be old enough to try the old school dyeing like I did growing up.
I’m a complete rookie w this. It’s been so long since I did it that I forgot you needed vinegar. Also, we only had brown eggs! I had to get a few other things from store so we went and due to the crisis, and probably Easter—no vinegar. I figured we could improvise since I wasn’t about to go to another store and we got some ‘rice vinegar’? I also researched you can use brown so we tried it.

I only boiled one dozen initially—rookie mistake. Some explode and can’t use. Some get eaten and you end up with just 4. So, I boiled another dozen.

I thought I was being proactive by putting paper towels on our dining table. Rookie mistake. Mixing the tablet/water went well...even dyeing them went ok. After we finished my girl wanted to pour the colors together to see what they would do. See where this is going? I walked in the kitchen with the words ‘please don’t let it spill’ barely out of my mouth when I hear ‘Oh no!’and my girl runs around the corner looking panicked. Yup, one cup spilled all over the table—green. I hurried and got some paper towel but it wasn’t fast enough and it started soaking in the table! As I was cleaning the table, chair, and floor I just couldn’t hold it in and hollered ‘see, this is why I don’t like dyeing eggs’...
My son then disappears and shows up with a brown paper bag. He says, ‘here you go, breathe into that. You look frustrated’. And you know what, I did use it! It’s a bit funny because that is his new thing—when I seem upset or frustrated he brings me a brown paper bag.

Then, sometime between dyeing and drying the eggs I was walking into the kitchen with my relatively new I phone and it slipped out of my hands, tumbling to the floor....I now have a nice long crack in the screen. Sigh.

After the eggs finally dried we started to decorate. We wanted to use the ‘shrink wrap’ paper so I used some really warm tap water and it didn’t work. Rookie mistake. You need almost boiling water for them to shrink on the egg. But, once we put them in the boiling water the dye started to boil off! Sigh....

However after all that hullaballoo, we ended up with 11 mostly decorated eggs.

Today the kids woke up around 7am and were SO excited!! They dug into their baskets and started eating and playing. Something I thought was pretty great was that since we couldn’t have our neighborhood Easter party the bunny still came to each house at night and brought some candy-filled eggs.
It was a great idea—in theory. After the kids ran outside, collected the eggs, and brought them in I happened to look in their baskets. I saw something move...so I looked closer and saw ANTS! Agh! They were everywhere!! All over the eggs and now baskets!
So, I spent the next 20 minutes spraying bugs and cleaning up dead ants.
Never mind that when we went out the first time to look for the eggs AND when I threw them all back outside the second time a neighbor was out each time and saw me in only tshirt.

Then, sugar doesn’t mix well with my girl. Limited is ok, but after a certain amount, she gets pretty moody. So, after eating robin eggs, peeps, and a few little donuts, we spent the next hour battling a few fussy episodes. For example, she was fit to be tied when I told her she couldn’t play with her brother’s new blocks. She wanted to play with them and not allow him to, even though he hadn’t opened them yet.

We’ve now had lunch (egg salad of course), they’ve had a rest time, and things have calmed down.
It was quite an eventful holiday here, to say the least.

Hope you had a Happy Easter!

Ps Sunflower thanks again for your comments and words of encouragement, I read all of them and I appreciate you taking time to comment. Hope your Easter was good!

Week 4 of no school

Hard to believe we are in the 4th week of the kids not going to school. We actually were out on Spring Break week of March 9th, then that's when the virus started to rear up, so then they gave us an 'extra week' off, then it was large-scale and said no school until April 13th, and now at the earliest May 4th.  I completely understand the adjustment as we go, no issues there. I'd be really surprised if we even go back at all. I think we actually end the school year mid-May normally, so guess will see.

Schooling at home, well, that hasn't really gone.  I can't even say gone well or gone bad....it just hasn't gone much at all.  We picked up my daughter's device and unfortunately it has to connect into the school's server and we are constantly bumped out, some apps work one day and not the next, there are multiple log ins and passwords and applications. Unfortunately it just is not easy to work with.  I wanted to see if it was the device or the server/school  (or just me!) so I logged into my laptop and then into the icloud they use.  OMG. It was night and day. What took me hours to do (find and download a tile) on the school ipad took me literally a few minutes.
SO--I'm thinking about just getting an ipad so we can bypass the school's IT 'stuff'.  I really don't want one in the house because once the kids get used to using one, they'll want to do it, and fight over it I imagine. I'm checking w/ a friend to see if we can't maybe borrow one.

The thing w/ a second grader and the new online learning is that I can't just hand over the device and say go forth and do it.  There is a lot of navigation and even I have a hard time figuring out what to do next. So, we have to sit together and do it--which is fine--but that leaves occupying my son for the time we are doing it. They are now requiring the online work starting this week, so we will just have to figure it out and make sure we keep up. The due dates are not until May 4th, but I have no interest in waiting and letting it pile up.
We will make it work, of course, but it would be easier if my new personal laptop was here already. I waited too long to order...and because I choose a laptop just like my work one, they are completely backordered w/ all the people now working from home needing one as well. Sigh.  Hopefully by mid-end of April I will have my new one.

For my son's school he is supposed to watch a variety of recordings of his teacher on the ma.rco.pol.o app and do some corresponding worksheets she has emailed out (which is a ton by the way). He has absolutely no interest in doing so. He told me the other day he doesn't need to do his worksheets, they are 'baby' worksheets.  In all honesty, he's kind of right. He's on the older end of his class i.e. turns 6 in Oct when a lot of his classmates are younger. Of course he can work on his writing skills, etc. but honestly, I'm just not worried about him missing out on 3 months of pre-k 4.  He'll be just fine. And frankly, he just started reading one day and is trying to read chapter books now (on his own) Juni.e B Jo.nes is a favorite. However, not MY favorite since she is pretty sassy and says a lot of words we don't use like 'dumb' and 'stupid'. We also every night quiz in math--his choice, I would never push that on a kid! He's doing multiplication and division, with large numbers like 1,000 X 4, 11X8, etc..
He's just fine.

I think for me, I'm not stressing too much about school. There certainly is a lot more we could be doing, and others certainly are.....and maybe that works for them, but I needed a bit of time to just figure out being a new stay at home mom 24/7. I'm trying to give myself some space to adjust and then put together a family schedule.  Since nanny hasn't been here going on 2nd week, it's a lot to absorb. I think I'm now past the shock and scramble of it all. Although last saturday I felt like I just hit a wall. I barely wanted to get up/get out of the chair. We ate take out lunch and dinner that day--and I didn't even feel bad!
But slowly I feel like my feet are back under me and we are getting into a rhythm, that's not to say there aren't times when my son throws tantrums because I made pork chops and vegetables instead of tortellini......or my daughter comes out 5-6 times at night because she can't fall asleep until 10 instead of 8:30 like usual.....but we are getting there.

I'm trying to also give them more freedom--which also gives me more of a break throughout the day. I've started to let them go in the cul-de-sac when I'm in the house. I'm still a bit nervous about this one because cars do still come around. We have about 7 houses w/ cars, delivery trucks, etc.. so it's not completely as quiet as you would think. But, I've allowed them to take their bikes out or walk around it, etc.. This is a progression from about a few months ago where I started letting them go outside together, but they had to stay in the backyard or driveway, no street. They did a great job w/ these boundaries, so I thought let's try it a bit more. I still won't let my son go in the cul-de-sac by himself he's just too young for that....but w/ his sister seems to be working ok.

Regarding the quarantine--of course there are still times when we have to go to the grocery store.  IT's a wierd place to go right now.  For awhile there it was hard to get items, shelves were wiped out, but they've worked hard to restock and it's much better. While you can't get everything--still no soup, dishsoap, cooking oil, etc.. that's ok.  Earlier this week we went because we just had limited food....we needed a big haul. They are limiting the number of certain items, like only 4 bags of frozen vegetables, only 1 dozen eggs, etc.. but we were still able to get what we needed. Now of course I don't have a choice to leave the kids at home, but I have such internal conflict about taking them. We also don't have any gloves or masks and you just can't buy them. Thankfully my neighbor offered to make us some. I absolutely took her up on it. But, when I was there the other day I really felt like I got a few side-eyes about the kids.  Maybe I was a bit sensitive, maybe not....but I don't think I saw any other kids in the whole store. The other thing is, you just can't take kids to the store and have them not touch things. I say over and over not to.....but they are constantly touching.. I try my best not to....and we bring sanitizer in the store....but it still makes my insides ball up and want to scream everytime.
I'm also on high alert after we go.....are they breathing ok, am I feeling feverish, etc.. and once a few days pass I feel like whew, we made it.....until the next time we have to go.

Overall we are trying to do our part i.e. we are staying at home only to out to the grocery store and a drive through here and there. I'm thankful that ordinarily my kids play at home a lot anyway---so them not going to friend's houses etc isn't an issue. They are mostly used to playing w/ each other and being at home....so that's not a battle I have to fight them on. Also, i'm thankful for the ages they are now. I feel like this would be much harder w/ teenagers, those that are graduating this year, etc..

We've been spending as much time as we can outside. We've been blessed with some great spring weather....so the other day our neighbor Mr. Don was out walking his dog and my son wanted to go w/ him. I said sure, he could ask....and then once Mr. Don said yes my son ran in to get his sister. After they all 3 walked away I realized that it had been 7 or 8 days since we've had a break from each other.  And you know what I did? I just exhaled very very long, closed my eyes, and just relaxed. It was so peaceful.

P.S. today is my last day of work.  I can't believe it's finally here. I'm SO ready to start this next chapter and honestly, it all fell right into place....I think being a single parent, teacher, and full time employee is just too much for one person to handle.  So during this crazy time in the world w/ the virus, having something I could stop at this very moment could not have worked out better for me and my kids. I can't be more thankful that we have stayed healthy and can all be together.