It's a.....................

Not telling yet, HA!!

Actually I just had my C.V.S test this past Thursday and it went pretty smooth.  I was quite nervous, even though I had done it before, so a good friend of mine went with me. It really brings up a lot of emotion going to the baby Dr.  Mostly about family. When I go I am usually the only one by myself.  Especially where I live now, southern city, it seems magnified. Women come w/ what I assume are husbands/boyfriends, parents, in-laws, you name it. This one woman had 5+ people with her. Now I know that I can make up in my mind how great it is to have all this family around and maybe they all don't get along, or the woman would rather be by herself.....not sure.  But, I decided this time I wanted someone there w/ me.
I have to say......it was soooo nice. It's the first time I've had someone w/ me for a procedure i.e. in the room. It was like a rock in the corner and I could just know that I had support. Felt good.
It was kind of strange once the Dr. got the sample he had it under a microscope right there to see if he had what he needed. He did.  They sent it off to the lab and I got a call today.....

The nurse said that the preliminary report was all positive i.e. they found no issues. However, the final report takes about another week, so I won't be fully celebrating or saying what the baby is until then.

This past week has been a rough one. I stopped taking the medicine for morning sickness because while it did help, it gave me an intolerable headache that ty.lenol would not control. It wasn't worth it. So, back to nothing. I also recently stopped all of my reproductive medicine (yippee), but I suspect the drop in those levels has contributed to how yucky I feel.

And, baby girl got sick.....again.  Yesterday she woke up pretty fussy and didn't want her morning snack. That was odd, so at lunch I tried again and she pushed it away after a few bites. When we were walking out to car she hunched over, grabbed her belly, and started crying. Once we got home I gave her some water w/ a touch of pedia.lite. She continued to grab her belly and sure enough, when we were sitting in the chair she vomited all over me, her, the chair, the floor, everything. We went straight to the tub. Poor baby girl. It came through her nose which I know hurts.

We got all cleaned up, disinfected everything, threw in laundry.....she still was grabbing her belly. It is hard to contain a toddler who is used to going going....she didn't really want to lie down or sit still. And everytime she did that it upset her tummy. So, she was walking toward kitchen, grabbed her belly and vomited again. Oh that poor baby.  I picked her up again and off to the tub we went again.

I was soooo hopeful that she wouldn't vomit again....there wouldnt be much left, and she looked so sick.  And thankgoodness she didn't. However, throughout the day toward night she started getting a fever.  I laid her down to bed at her normal time and she did fall right to sleep.  However today she didn't want to eat hardly anything again.....and she got another fever. Have kept fluids in her, she likes the 'juice' since I've only given her plain water, so I'm not worried at all she will get dehydrated.
She just feels terrible.  She also had some really messy diapers, so her system is just all troubled.

It is so stressful when she is sick. I am just so hyper-worried about her.

We are both a pair right now and yes, it is hard.

Had a lead on another nanny....it all looked great and then, she sprung on me yesterday via email that she didn't have a car. And, she just got her license. She is a college grad and guess she never needed it but really?  She said she is planning to get one by summer, but being a new driver just may be a deal breaker.
Jeepers.

BY-NOO (or MY-NOO)

I have had a few posts roaming around in my mind...mostly things I want to capture of things baby girl is doing. Really new, fun stuff. 

The title of this post is what my child says for Balloon.  Her language skills have started to really ramp up--she is trying more and more words and saying new ones almost by the day it seems.
For example, just the other day I said we have to throw away something.  Then a little later she came up to me w/ something in her hand and said 'away'. Plain as day. I actually knew what she meant and I told her she could go throw it away.  She ran right over to the trash, lifted the lid, threw it away, put the lid down and came back. She was SO proud of herself. And of course I showered her w/ praise. However, I have to watch her because she likes to 'away' things that don't go there like bottle or cups. And she will also dig things out......but she's learning and that's cool.
Some other new words are: done, more, purple, baby (with the full ba-by), mama (she likes to tell everyone I'm her mama and I just love it). She knows her babysitters names.....everyday she says Joo-Jiss, which no idea where that came from but we all know what she means.
She's also starting to repeat things automatically. Before I used to have to ask her....can you say book, or can you say blue?  Now, when she hears things she tries them out. We were watching a tv show w/ letters and they said T. She repeated T. It was cool.
She's still doing so much better at home w/ the babysitters so I am confident I made the right decision taking her out of daycare at that time.  However, after continuing to interview FT nannies we just haven't found the right fit.  Either they want too much salary, I'm not interested, or baby girl didn't mesh w/ them.....I'm okay to continue looking because 'just good enough' isn't enough for me.  My one baby sitter can continue w the PT, but the other can't. So, I'm now going to focus on finding someone PT. Maybe that will open up a bigger pool of people. Will see.
This one has been hard.

On a positive note, I did find a cute (seems nice) rental house. It's good size, 3 bed 2 bath and we will move at the end of this month. Will be nice to get all my stuff in one place. It is quite expensive, but I think renting for the year will be better for me instead of buying. I'm not sure about staying here and buying just doesn't make sense in that scenario. So, I'll just have to know I'm not earning equity, etc. and be okay w/ it.

Good news on the new baby front. I had my last Dr. appointment and the baby was measuring right on track--I just crossed 11 weeks and heartbeat was good. She ran a lot of labs last time I was there and all came back normal (YES!). She wanted to be sure there wasn't anything specific that pre-disposes me to bloodclots and the answer is no. But, I still have to take the shots daily of a low dose blood thinner as preventative. I am just about to finish up my reproductive meds (ends at 12 weeks) so will be down to injections for only one med--yay~!

The only thing I've continued to struggle w/ is the nausea.  It has gotten me pretty good. The Dr. office just prescribed something new (they normally do zo.fran.) but that didn't work well for me last time.....so it's a med that combines uni.som and B6. It's a 'lesser' med than the other anyway.  You ramp up w/ it so it seemed to be helping but I fell asleep last night w/ out taking it so I am starting over somewhat. It did make me uber tired on Sunday but I think I prefer tired versus sick. I'll take again tonight and will see.
I have had to spend a lot of time on the sofa and can easily start to feel the guilt of not being as physically active w/ baby girl, BUT I feel good about the fact that I force myself to get outside when weather nice almost all the time (walks or park), and when we are inside, we still play, it's just she brings things over to me while I rest on the couch.  Books, toys, you name it.  She seems to be taking it all in stride and hasn't been overly fussy, so I'm very thankful for that. She knows her mama loves her--affection is not cut short here--and she gets many hugs, kisses, stories, coloring, etc.....even if it is lying down.
Something i am doing regularly is have her sit on my lap facing me and I ask her about her day. It is so cute. I'll ask her about what she did, where she went, what she ate, etc.. and she answers me--mostly I can't understand, but we are practicing conversation and it's fun.
Another game we play is, "Hey, where's my kiss?" When I say that she runs and giggles....when I get her I get my kiss.....but if she runs too far I'll say 'oh you turkey lurkey'.....and she repeats it. It sorta sounds like turkey lurkey but it is too cute.

It is hard, yes....not feeling well and taking care of another human being is tough.  Throw the move, finding a nanny, needing to move again, starting my job, etc. it has been a lot.
But, I know in my heart that this was the right move for our family. I feel good about it and am thankful that 'knock on wood' I haven't been hospitalized and continue to do pretty well compared to last time.

Looking forward to feeling better and getting some energy back. Yah.

Exhale

My little heart is flickering away
 

 

I know that people say every pregnancy is different....and I guess they mean it.  I just couldn't really fathom what they meant, how could it be that different, you know? Now I know.

 

During last pregnancy I had no loss of symptoms what so ever.  Not in the entire time of week 7ish to week 18ish. It was super difficult and hard to manage.  I remember at about 11:30-12noon my symptoms would come on and get worse and worse throughout the day. Every day.  I remember feeling like omg when would this ever get better.

 

This time, there have been two distinct times when I felt absolutely and completely 'normal'.  No rhyme or reason, but I just felt good.  Most would say hoorah, but I truly think after going through IVF (well me anyway) I am always just cautiously optimistic. When something is new my mind tends to jump to, oh no.....rather than ok, let's see.  I was confident something must not have been right.

Thank you Lord I was wrong.

 

I am now 9 weeks along and that is an accomplishment. Baby is measuring w/in a day of where it is supposed to, heartbeat where it needs to be, and I am functioning okay.  I definitely still have the nausea, tiredness, and some days of 'I can't do this', but overall I'm taking it slow.  I have had a few meltdown days, but I think that's when I get overwhelmed w/ STILL trying to find a nanny and a new place to live.  That's a lot on a mama's plate...work FT, find new housing, find a nanny, be a mama, and grow a new baby.  I am not superwoman. I have to keep reminding myself of that. The apartment is a disaster, but I'm just not that worried.  I have some good friends here who are super supportive and have allowed me to lean on/cry when needed, and one has even gone to look at a rental for me. Some friends become more involved during these times, some less......

 

Some positive things are that I have recently found a counselor here to just have someone else's objective opinion and guidance. It has been nice so far. Only met her twice, but she's given me some suggestions on building my network here. That makes sense that's what I need to do, but finding the energy is where I fall short. I am just happy that I get outside twice a day each day over the weekend w/ baby girl so she can play and we can continue to do things. Even when I don't feel well. 

I also am connected to a really good Dr. here and I like her and her nurses. They have been supportive, informative, and responsive.  The Dr. really listens to my concerns and has been great at explaining how she wants to move forward.  I am going to do the CV.S testing this time as well (done between 10-13 weeks) to determine if there are any issues w/ the baby. It is an invasive procedure that is a test, not a screen, so we will know for sure.  That was important to me.

 

I have still had the thoughts of flight and moving out of here.....but my rational mind says I need to 'hunker down' and make this work, at least through this pregnancy. The thought of moving again into an unknown situation is just out of my comprehension at the moment. There is time to think about where we live and what I do........my focus now is keeping healthy and being a good mama!

 

Here is the pic I was going to post the other day. She is now pretend-playing and it is oh-so cute.

She has been a trooper overall. She is doing so much better at home.

 

Thank you Ali for your supportive comment yesterday. I really appreciated it.



Not sure

Why is it that if you have symptoms you get upset......and if you don't have symptoms, you get upset.

So far, nausea has been one of my biggest ailments. From beginning to end of day.
However, today was different. I had to get up very early for a meeting at work and when I was getting ready I felt that I didn't feel too bad. I ate my apple on the way to work and when I got to the office I was feeling the same way. Then I started thinking....okay, c'mon already I shouldn't be having lack of nausea.  Throughout the day I didn't feel the same as yesterday and I have a slight headache. I just feel different.
And am now worried, of course.
I keep mashing myself to see if I still have tenderness and soreness. That is so-so.  I didn't have my aversion to wanting to eat and just felt much better about food in general at dinner.

All of these thoughts running through mind....did I do something wrong here, is everything okay, can I just peek inside now and see what's going on, should I have continued the pre natal vitamins even though nurse said stop for now because they were making me more nauseous, was that cramping I am feeling now, and on and on?

I have a check-up tomorrow in the afternoon so I will know for sure if something happened today.
Would like to be more confident.

Hangin' in there

So my symptoms have remained pretty much the same....the biggest one is the nausea.  It is different this go-round because it is pretty much constant, from the moment I get up.  I feel like I have a low-grade flu.  I even have bouts daily of feeling cold/chills regularly. I take a bath almost every night after I put baby to bed and that feels so good. I have done my research to see what I can do naturally, and just today made some changes. I am taking my prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid at night, and I am eating small amounts regularly throughout the day. I also bought some plain ole crackers to have around as well.  Not sure any of that did too much today, but I'm managing.

I am pretty proud of myself that even though I don't feel great, I have been ensuring that I get out w/ baby when I have her all day i..e not at work.  There is a park not too far from here that is fenced in and has toddler-sized equipment. It was kind of funny, well probably not for the little girl, but I witnessed helicopter-parenting at it's best when we were there.  This little girl was 20+ months her mom said, but she couldn't turn, climb, move, or do anything w/out her mom either freaking out, redirecting her, distracting her w/ juice, the phone, or even music. I couldn't believe it. We were at the park! I just couldn't understand why she couldn't just step back and let her PLAY.  All of the gadgets and distractions.....it even stressed me out just watching them!  The way I am w/ baby is not quite the opposite, but pretty close. I am a pretty calm mom....I want her to explore, I want her to learn that sometimes if you climb too high you might have to turn around because you don't know how to get down, that sort of thing. I always come to the rescue if she asks for me or I see she is heading to get hurt......but mostly I let her just be.  She loves climbing on every and anything.  She is interested in other kids, but she keeps a good distance.....even when they want to get in her face. I enjoy taking her because she enjoys it so much.

Some updates on her....she is almost 19 months old....we need to get her in this week for her 18 month shots. Not super excited, but it is a must.  Since being at home, she has recovered from all of her sicknesses and has really done so much better. She absolutely loves her two babysitters. When I tell her in the morning they are coming she starts screaming, spinning in circles, says "wheeeeee", it is cute.  In fact, when she hasn't had a nap during the day, she cries when they go home.  I feel so much better knowing she is much happier.
Still looking for a nanny.....have another lead on one and will be interviewing her this week. I feel positive about her. She is younger, but has nannied full time before and only stopped because she moved.  Also she is in college online, so this could potentially be a good fit. Will see.

Some new things she is doing lately:
Make-believe play.......I've noticed she just started taking her dolls and stuffed toys w/ her and 'set them up' around her. She'll want them to sit next to her on the chair, will climb off my lap to get them up on my lap too.....and the other day she did this for the first time....
I was going to post picture, but not working. Will have to do it later.....


She is starting to play more independently.  She used to just sit by me and whine and whine until I would play w/ her and whatever she had. Now, she will go and get a toy and play w/ it herself. She does still love her books and will bring one to me regularly, but that one I'm okay w/. It is soooo nice not to have the constant whining.

She is still drinking from bottles. I've resisted taking them away w/ all the other things going on for us.  She has one when she waked up, at nap, and at bed.  She drinks just fine from a sippy, but she still likes her bottles.....and mama likes the cuddle time we get when she drinks them. I say one thing at a time.

In terms of living here, well, let's just say I'm trying to adjust.  There are still things I see regularly that I say, WHAT? As an example, we were getting some food at a restaurant and a woman was upset that her meal was taking too long.......she started screaming, and I mean screaming, at the cashier f*bombs, b*bombs, whatever curse word you could think of.  My baby doesn't hear yelling that often so she was looking at me w/ a seriously puzzled/worried look on her face. I had to tell her it was okay, and the lady was just mad. jeepers.  Also, I feel like everyone smokes around here. I am constantly smelling smoke at stores, between my garage/office, just everywhere. Yuck. And finally, in front of the store the other day a car rolls by w/ a woman holding a baby in her lap and a kid sitting next to her.....no carseats to be found.  Hey boy.

Like I said, hanging in there.........

And..

Great news.....there is a baby w/ a heartbeat!!  I went to the Dr. yesterday and through ultrasound we could see the tiny little flicker.  I felt such a weight lift off my shoulders and I just breathed for the first time, it seemed, in a few days.  It's crazy because I was convinced, due to the dramatic symptom changes, that it wasn't good. But good 'ole little one was measuring 6 week 3 days.

And sure enough, my symptoms are slowly returning....the nausea is really the only major one so far, other than some heartburn.  Just low-grade flu yucky feeling.  Not hungry but need to eat, type sickness.
I'll take it.

Bumpity-Bump-Bump

If only that meant my stomach. Nope, it's a good analogy to how things have gone since moving here. I couldn't have predicted the issues I've run into and I'm not too fond of this city.

Lately, as for child care, still looking for a nanny......I had a good lead on one, was supposed to meet up w/ her this past Saturday. We got it all set up and she was a no call/no show. I am thankful she showed her flakiness now instead of after going forward, but it took a lot of time to try and work this out.  I have a few others I am still looking into, but still rotating babysitters. They can't do this full time or long term, so I have to make something happen soon.

My apartment is an allergen-magnet (even though it looks like a nice apartment).  Since moving in, I've had to go back on allergy medication to stop the wheezing, but the sneezing and being on the brink of not breathing well is enough for me.  Everyone keeps saying it is the season, etc. Well guess what? I've had allergy-induced asthma for years and I know when it is the environment or when it is the season. Trust me.  So, I was avoiding the leasing office to extend my lease to 6 months until I decided what I was going to do......and I finally decided I will move out after the 3 months is up. One month down already.  It is NOT what I had planned, but I just don't want to stay here when it affects my health, and likely my baby's.  People at work tell me there is a lot of 'crud' in this city...not sure if this is what they meant.  So, I am now looking for rental homes because I've decided I am not buying here for now. There is not much on the market (have looked since October) and frankly not sure this will be long-term enough for me to warrant purchasing.  I've had lots of thoughts over the last week or so that I will continue to stew in my mind.

The hardest thing to cope w/ over the last week or so was yesterday. I think I hit almost the bottom w/ dealing w/ the continued issues of housing, my baby's care, this city, with the addition of this happening..........

I was sitting in a meeting w/ a colleague close to lunch yesterday and was feeling so nauseous. Morning sickness had kicked in pretty good. But for me it's low grade all day. Well, in the meeting as I was looking at him I thought to myself, hmmm..., I feel better. Wow, I really feel better. It was kind of like waking up in the morning you sort of are conscious, then more and more you realize you are awake. Same thing, the more and more I felt so much better. You might think this is a great thing....well, my first thought was, why is my morning sickness going away suddenly?
So what did I do, search the internet. Of course there are pretty bad stories out there about miscarriage, etc. so I got super worried.  Then last night I started having cramping and this morning my breasts started un-hurting. So, I called my Dr.'s office this morning and they said that unless there is bleeding, it is common for symptoms to come and go. I asked her if you can miscarry w/out bleeding and she said in all her years of experience, it would be unusual. 
However, w/in a 24 hour period all of my pregnancy symptoms had stopped.  But, during today I started to feel a bit crappy again and my breasts started hurting somewhat. 

I have a Dr.'s appointment tomorrow to see what we can see. It still may be too early to see if there was even a healthy baby heartbeat.  I have not started any kind of bleeding so I am holding out hope, but just not sure right now.

To say the last few months have been tough is an understatement.  I am trying to focus on one...day...at...a...time.