Utterly Sad Day

So, not sure if you all remember my prior posts about my kitty. I have two, but this one is the smaller one, striped, hasn't really taken to the baby, vomits regularly, kidney disease.  (Gosh, my eyes are just so red and raw they hurt to blink....ever have that?)

When my baby girl started to become more active and in his space, he acted out a lot--this was about when she was 3-4 months old. He peed a lot everywhere and he actually pooped twice in the living room.  At the time I was at my wits end and took him to the vet thinking he had a bladder infection. Nope, just mild inflammation of his bladder--and his kidney disease had somewhat stabilized w/the daily gel I gave him in his wet food.  Over time and since then, we've had our ups and downs.  About every 2-3 weeks he goes into his vomiting spells--not just hairballs (cough cough), but full on vomiting where his whole stomach lurches and the entire contents come out. Most of the time after he eats, so it looks exactly like it did when I put it in his bowl.  I have to give him wetfood everynight, because if he eats just dry food....more vomiting. I also put his medicine in there for his kidneys.  Basically he has become pretty high maintenance for a cat.

I had talked to the vet about 3 months ago and we discussed the whole situation......and she told me about a similar situation w/ her friend that when a baby came into the picture, it made him anxious and act poorly.  It was stressful for the cat who was not used to the noise, lack of attention, and general disruption to his life. We talked about the pros/cons of what I could do....shelters, putting him down, behavior therapy, etc. and she helped me come to the conclusion that giving him to a shelter would be the easy thing to do (since they would put him down anyway because of his health), and that I should be responsible for my cat. I agreed and made an appointment a few months ago to put him to sleep.

On the day I was supposed to take him over there I just couldn't. My heart was screaming this wasn't the right time, don't go.  So, I simply cancelled the appointment.

I've let things go since then.  Until now.

Just last week I was thinking things had been settling down and we were somewhat status quo.  Well, that quickly turned again.  I was on the phone w/ my friend and I went in the front room where I had some sheets on the couch. I laid down and as I was bringing the sheet up noticed it was soaking wet...I smelled it.....he had just peed on it.  WTF! I ended up throwing the sheets in the laundry.  Then, a few days later I was playing w/ baby girl near her toys in the living room on the carpet and happened to lay my head on the floor.  Guess what I smelled? Sure enough.....cat pee in front of her play area....and this was not fresh. I have no idea how long it had been there.

Something in me clicked.  I can not have this around my baby. Yes, I love my cats but there is nothing that will stop me from keeping a safe, clean, sanitary environment for my baby.  I kept thinking to myself this week, what am I waiting for......does he need to pee ON my child for me to do something about this? How many more vomiting sessions, how many more attacks on his brother (I can't use my speaker on cell phone--freaks him out and he attacks his brother), how much more does his kidney disease need to progress, how much more does he need to freak out every time the baby starts crawling towards him. Let's not forget that mama is the one who has been cleaning all this up over the years....

So, on Friday I made an appointment w/ the vet for today.  His vet that's been following him wasn't working today, but that was okay with me.

I am so emotionally exhausted, I don't want to relive all the details of today.  What I will share is that I was not at all prepared for how utterly hard this is/was.....I was at peace w/ the decision, but I didn't realize that I would still feel the guilt, utter sadness, and anxiety (like I did something wrong, should I have waited). Not to mention how much pure, gut-wrenching sobbing I would do...I haven't cried this hard in a very long time.  My heart physically hurt.....really really tough.

However, I'm not a religious person and hardly spiritual.....but when I went out to my car, all of a sudden my phone fritzed out.  Maybe coincidence.  I have been sneezing nonstop all day....nothing like this ever before.....maybe coincidence. 

Or maybe it's his energy, or my mom's.......telling me it's going to be okay. 

Bold Move

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm already thinking about the holidays.  Last night I was laying on the floor (after I rolled off the couch) and was planning to get up. But, I just laid there in the quiet and some thoughts came to me. I don't have fun w/ my extended family at Thanksgiving. I really don't.  It's like we fly up and are there, but are there on our own.  

Our whole lives we've gone to my mom's brother's for Thanksgiving. I used to absolutely love it growing up (my cousin is only a few weeks older than I am), and the fun/activities we used to do, so much fun. Over time as my mom got sick, it got harder and harder....and looking back I realized she was the center of that fun.  She was warm, loving, inclusive, and always was planning something cool for us to do.....roller skating, we always bought our live christmas tree there and hauled it back 5 hours home on the top of the car, we visited her mom's grave (which was always so touching since she passed away when my mom was only in her 20's), we ate popcorn balls in my grandpa's basement when he was still alive, going to fish fry's....oh the memories...just wonderful.

Now, fast forward to after my mom passed and the first year I didn't go. Just couldn't.  However, the last four years I've gone, and took baby girl last year.  It was important for me to take her to meet them since they are, of course, her blood family/second cousins, etc..Even though the travel was okay, we just didn't interact very much....remember I had to ask my aunt to hold the baby.....it's like we all get together for the meal, catch up somewhat awkwardly since we really only see them once a year, then next day we split off and do shopping--I go only w/ my sister, then we get back together to celebrate a birthday on Friday night, then we go home on Saturday.  Frankly, I talk more to my cousin on the phone then I do in person when we are there. She's got four kids, is busy, and does her own thing.  I also realized the whole family is not extremely warm.....they don't hug/smile a lot.  I'm making them out to sound miserable, they really aren't.
It just is somewhat awkward, not really a lot of fun.

I realized I was going out of a made up obligation in my mind, versus really looking forward to going.  That's just not what I want for me, or for my girl.

So, I have one of the best friends ever and his family has been the polar opposite of what I described above w/ my daughter.....they have mailed her gifts for holidays, sent cards on mother's day, we did f.a.c.etime when they visited my friend in the northeast so they could see the baby. I have kept them up to date w/ emails and pictures.  It was funny, but when we were on the phone face chat, my friend called his parents grandma and grandpa to my daughter....and at first I was like, ooooh, I hope they are okay w/ that....and then I thought, I DO want them to be like that for my daughter.  That's exactly what I would pick out for her---I can see them light up when she comes to their house, fawn over here, want to hold her, play w/ her etc. We got none of that at my extended family.  Sure they held her a bit, but when the excitement wore off, they were just fine to just hang out.

So.....I made the bold decision.  I am not going to my extended family for Thanksgiving. I just booked a flight to my friend's parent's house up north.  I feel so good about it, too.

It's more about what memories do I want to start creating for my daughter.  That's not to say we won't ever go again to my family, but for this year, this seems right.  I really want them to meet her in person, instead of just pictures and video.  And get this, it's not just my friends parents that I am excited to see.....both of his grandparents are still living.  That would be like great grandparents for my daughter.  How cool is that.......

On another note, I cancelled my appointment for my consultation.  I was super busy last Wednesday and decided it can wait.  Actually, it's a good thing I did because when I called to reschedule the woman (who was one of the only ones who had it together last go round) told me it's better if I wait even longer so I don't have to re-do anything and all of my labs will be very fresh. I told her what the original lady said that if I got testing now, it's good for 6 months....she said that even if they did it now, many of them they would re-do anyway closer to Sept/Oct.
Glad I didn't waste my time. So now I am not scheduled to go until August. She also thought ahead and not only will I go for consult, but I will have blood labs, and HSG (w/ the dye to check my tubes, etc. and it hurt last time), and an annual.

I am set. Now, back to focusing on losing weight and getting a bit more healthy. I am proud of how I have done w/ my eating, but I haven't gotten in the groove for exercise. I am almost thinking I need to rent the treadmill again. I know it didn't work well last time, but thinking back to that...just had the baby, was up every three hours, still in high learning curve.....last thing I wanted to do was get on a treadmill.  But, now we are in a groove, she goes to bed routinely at the same time so I can do it after she goes to sleep, and I've refocused.

Boo-Boos, teeth, and tantrums

Baby girl just got her 5th tooth! She has the two middle bottom and two middle top. She now has one more to the left of her top two teeth. Those suckers haven't even made their way all the way down yet, and she is getting another. And boy is she chewing. On anything!! She likes my feet. When she thinks I'm not watching, or even if I am....she crawls on over and CHOMP.  Seriously. I mostly can stop her before she gets them, but sometimes she gets me. And man it hurts w/ those teeth now.

She had her first boo-boo this past weekend. Some friends were over and she wanted to touch and experience everything, even the can one of my friends had. Well, she was playing w/ it and then all of sudden she screamed....I saw blood and we thought at first she cut her lip. Then we saw her hand. Poor little girl, she sliced the tip of her thumb.  She stopped crying, but the blood just wouldn't stop. I used a burpee cloth and we kept putting pressure on it, but it woudn't stop. I was thinking this might be her first stitches if we can't get it under control.  We ran her hand under the sink, then applied 3 bandaids to keep the pressure, and from her chewing through them.  Eventually it did stop, whew. I tried to stay calm, but inside my stress level went up like 50.  It's a good thing she wasn't screaming throughout, and thankfully she was sort of wondering what the big deal was.

First Boo Boo

Just today I'd say she had her first good tantrum.  Well, she had one other small episode at the store when I took something away to pay for it, but this was louder and worse. Something was spilled on the carpet and I had to spray it and put papertowel over it. Well, she was bound and determined to crawl over and get it. She would crawl, but I held on to her shorts so she couldn't get over there. She wailed and threw herself on the ground, rolled some, and tried again.....I kept her hold of her shorts and said that it wasn't for her. Oh wow, you would have thought I pulled out a fingernail. She had real tears, scrunched up face, tense body, turning red, and made this aaaaaaaahhhhhh sound, her angry cry. She was mad. I tried to distract her and finally gave up and said it was bathtime. It didn't help that she was super tired and it was her crabby time -between 5-6pm.

We also went to a birthday party this weekend over at the park. I live in the south and it is starting to get super super hot. and with my sweating problem, by the time we walked over to the park I was drenched, my face was red, and I was mopping my brow. We said hello, happy birthday, stepped into the splashpad, and booked it home. I was soooo hot that I took a cold shower, and 2 more later that day. Sounds dramatic, but my body just can't take the heat anymore.

I also have my Dr.consult on Wednesday this week to talk baby #2. I would imagine he would want to run some labs, etc.. and I have no idea what to expect from my bodyi.e. how things are since  a year and a half ago. I'm a bit hesitant to go back to his office because the office management was terrible, rude...it took me a year to get my over a thousand dollar refund from them. A joke.  Anyway, I hope things have changed w/ that, because he is a very calming, good Dr. and let's face it, we were successful.  Good news is I didn't change jobs so whatever procedure we do will be covered. There are those extras that will still cost, but not nearly as much. I expect us to go straight to IVF. Will see. My plan is still October/November time frame....if I feel differently later, than will revisit.

Nanny update

Gosh, where to begin w/ this one.  This has really been a learning experience for me....some good things, some not so good.  I found her through word of mouth. She is a few years older than me w/ a 22, 20, and 9 year old. She is a single mom. Speaks spanish, and english very well. She started w me part time while I was on my 3 month leave, then went full time until now as baby girl is 10 months old.

I'll begin w/ the good--she absolutely LOVES my baby.  She is happy to see her in the morning, she says she misses her on Monday after not seeing her all weekend.  And baby girl returns the sentiment by flapping her arms, smiling, and making noises when nanny shows up in the morning.  Baby is very comfortable w nanny, as I see them interact on the day that I am home. They give kisses to each other, very very good stuff.  And nanny has been pretty reliable--even if sometimes a little late.  Also, she cleans other areas of my house just because....like scrub down of my bathroom, baby's bathroom, takes out garbage/recycling, brings in mail, does dishes everyday. She'll also do laundry for baby, and sometimes all the towels in the house. The only thing I've asked her to do is vacuum all floors once a week.


Now some of the not so good--not sure if you recall but we had an issue awhile ago about the bottles. She thought micro was fine, I asked her not too, she continued. I still to this day thinks she still does it. I decided it wasn't a battle I wanted to search for a new nanny over.  About a month ago we had another issue about her wanting to take additional time off, in addition to my paid time off. She just said not to pay her for those days. Yes, that's fine, but I still need to go to work and would have to find someone else.  When I brought the issue up to her, she reacted just like she did w/ the bottles. She got defensive, stopped listening almost immediately, and left in a huff.  I brought it up again that next monday and told her we needed to figure out i..e was there additional time she needed, when, etc.. Got over that hurdle.
After that, and most recently, she told me she needed to get a 3rd job.  She works for me during the week and cleans houses on saturday.  Her a/c broke and she needs more money. SO, she normally leaves my house early on Wednesday to keep her around 45 hours/week--at 2:30 one day, 3:00 next week (due to a telecon I have every other week).  She told me could get another cleaning job, but it was Wed and she would have to leave at 2:30.  I wasn't so sure, but decided that I didn't want her working 7 days/week (other option was for her to work on sunday) and said yes.
Heard the term no good deed goes unpunished? That's how I feel....now I'm pretty upset because I get home today from grocery store at 2:30 (like I was told she needed to leave by) and she is racing out the front door. I get to the kitchen and she had written a note in the book and says she needs to leave at 2:00 every wednesday.  I'm pretty upset because a) she didn't even ask if this was ok b) didn't tell me ahead of time and c) I feel like she wasn't honest w/ me.  I don't imagine just today she knew she needed to leave at that time.

In addition--
Something in the background is sometimes she asks for the car seat. She said she forgets her lunch and wants to go out, or wants to go to ta.r.ge.t. I am uncomfortable w/ this because it's not for my baby, it's for her to do errands. I haven't brought this up yet, I wanted to see how much she actually wants to do this.
Another nitpicky thing is our book. I ask her to log sleep/eat/and activity every day.  She doesn't always put everything down. As an example she told me baby ate a ch.ee.t.o. That's fine, but write it in the book.  She gave her fruit juice at the restaurant and the only reason I knew is because it was all over baby's shirt. I had to text and ask what it was.  Then I said I want her to put everything in the book.  Sure enough.....just today she was given prune juice, but not written in the book. 
Another example is I've told her if she gives her a bath to write it in the book. Ummm, not written in book, she may just tell me, or not.

In summary: wants to do things her way, hard to communicate with about sensitive topics, pushes boundaries, doesn't always follow through when I specifically ask her to do something, and now wants to leave even earlier on Wed w/out asking ahead of time, or how it should impact her pay.

I'm just not even sure what to do now.

I've bounced some of these issues off of my coworker who has an au pair. She said she deals w/ none of this.  She thinks its because hers are younger and seem to do exactly what you ask, versus me who has a mom who has 'been there done that' and knows better.

I've got a note into my network about other word of mouth referrals for nannies or daycares. For my own stress level, nanny would be best......but just not sure where to even go. The agencies charge a ridiculous fee and the websites for care haven't been good at all.

Oy.......

At least I can give a pic of my smiling, awesome, amazing, baby girl.....

Support Envy

It's time to write about something that's been bothering me lately. Support envy.

I was watching a stupid reality show last night and when the girl was going in for her ultrasound she had her two sisters there and her mother. They were all rooting for her and so excited. All were in smiles.  I think back to a lot of the experiences w/ my pregnancy and a lot was by myself....when I first tested and got the positive on the stick, finding out for sure from the Dr. office, my first ultrasound, my water breaking at 1-ish in the morning, driving to the hospital, being there by myself until my friend could get there from out of town.
It just would have been nice to have someone by my side throughout.....and not just on the phone. 

It's more around wanting to be able to rely on someone else sometimes.  I have said before and I'll say it again.....I have wonderful, amazing friends. They are there for me in ways that my family has not been.  However, a lot of my close friends don't live in my city anymore.  Phone support is incredible, but I would also just love to be able to drive over when having a rough time. Park it and have them help me and the baby.

I also envy those w/ husbands at the moment. Just someone to share the daily joys of what baby does, and pick up doing some things around here.

I also had a friend who recently went home for the weekend.  That's not really an option for me anymore....my childhood home is sold, I'm not close w/ my Dad....I could go to my sisters, but I guess it really isn't the location, it's more a feeling.  When I think of 'home' it used to be so soul-fulfilling to see my mom and just know that I would be taken care of.  She'd cook, give me the best hugs, just a sense of peace being around people who've known you your whole life.
I just miss that 'home' feeling.  And know there isn't a way to get it back....at least what it was before.

I'm doing the best job I can, and frankly think I'm doing really well as a mom.  I give her such positive energy,  many smiles, hugs, I love you's, attention, get on the floor playing.....I may get irritated, but I do not yell at her or direct any negativity her way. I LOVE this girl w/ all my heart. But sometimes my needs still surface and perhaps I just don't know how to fill that void of family and physical support.  I can't recreate my 'home' and how it used to be and make me feel.
And it makes me sad.  And a little lump of stress when I think that it is all on me. My well-being as well as my baby girls.

Not sure why all these feelings are churning around.  Perhaps it is still being tired. I took a half a day vacation this morning after this weekend.  By Sunday night I am whipped. So this morning once nanny got here, I just laid in bed from 8-12. Seriously. Slept on and off.  That's what I use vacation for these days.

I suppose all of this is normal to feel. But part of my thinks being a single mom by choice might be easier w/ family close by, or having met Mr. right, or having a lot of friends w/ kids, or going through pregnancy w/ someone going through at the same time.....or having more friends living close by.

Not sure. Open to how other's deal w/ these types of feelings....

Proud Mama!

A few things I am proud of lately.
About baby girl:  She is growing tremendously well.  We just had her 9 month Dr. appointment and she is 75th percentile for weight at 20lbs, and she is at 97th!! percentile for height at 30 inches.  I couldn't believe it.  However, when we went to the y this weekend there was another baby in the childcare that was a year old....and my baby was sooo much bigger.  Seriously.  It's hard to tell just how long she is when it's just her and I w/ no other baby to compare to.  The Dr. doesnt' seem worried she is too big. And she seems well proportioned, so I'm not too concerned.  the Dr. said growth spurt!

The other thing is we went to the grocery store and a lady stopped us to say baby girl was the cutest baby she has seen in a long time. Well,thank you!  Also, at the childcare one of the workers said she has the most beautiful eyes. Well, thank you!  As a mama of course I think my baby is cute, but when other's say so it just makes me so proud!

She's also learning how to be a writer :)

I am also proud of my myself.  I am committed to getting in shape and losing weight.  This past Friday was the first day of our big.ge.st L.ose.r challenge at work.  We have 3 months, and the person who loses the most percentage of weight gets 500 bucks!  But more than that, it's for my long term health AND to get my body in better shape before October--plan for baby time.  I would say I have a good 60 pounds to lose.  I would like to shed half of it, or close to that over the next 3 months.  Since 1-2 lbs per week is about right, I may not make that, but I will be gaining muscle, which is just as important.
That's what else I am proud of: I committed to going to the gym on the weekends w/ baby girl and we went last weekend Sat/Sun and this weekend Sat/Sun. I was really tired today because 'someone' decided not to nap well at all today.  I know why now....she had a major blowout, so much that I had to take out the jum.per.oo seat and wash it too. Oh yeah.  Anyway I really didn't want to load up and go, but as usual, I feel better after going. And I tried to see how far I could run--not just walk--constantly and it was 7 minutes.  A few years ago it was 30 minutes.  Who knows...maybe I'll get back to even more than before. Need to get some new running shoes.
Oh yes...and I started back on we.igh.t wat.ch.ers online. I have tracked my food since Friday and plan to keep it up.  I also committed to no more restaurants. If I want something, I can have it...just have to cook it now.  This one is going to be tough, but SO in my best interest. That's where I usually fall off the cliff.......or walking in the break room at work and scarfing up whatever sweet treats are left in there.  I will make exceptions when the time calls for it like when my sister is coming in town. But, I will make my lunches for the most part.

Lots to do, but this is really important.  There will be tough times, but I really need to just dig in. And have some discipline.  It's been too easy for me to cave, not follow through, etc. because I am not accountable to anyone. And I can be lazy.  Awareness is the first step to recovery, right?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.  Even though it was my first one as a mom, I really didn't plan anything for today.  She is so little that the holidays/special days really are what I make of them.  I kept wondering if I would be all emotional, want to have brunch, go to church....Actually, we did none of that.  We spent the weekend just the two of us, no visitors. I signed up back at the Y and we went yesterday and today.  Of course what I did do was spend time thinking about my own mom and my heart tug missing her doesn't stop.  It will soon be 5 years.  Man I just wish she could have seen her granddaughter....and me being a mom.

What I can say is that I have such awesome friends.  I got some cards, a bouquet of flowers delivered, and some really nice texts and phone calls--one w/ a 'Happy Mother's Day' serenade even!  People really love me and my baby and I feel really lucky. I even had two folks from work send me a text and e-mail--really nice.  When my mind turned for a brief second to the fact that my immediate family isn't there for me like this, I just tell myself I shouldn't expect any different and reflect on the positive, loving people I have in my life.

I've kind of been waiting to take a picture like below.  When I envisioned a baby, this is what she would be doing....I don't often just let her be in a diaper, but for some reason it just worked today.  This was a great way to celebrate my first Mother's Day as a MOM!