Spring Break 2022

Tomorrow ends our week long Spring Break this year.  I had made no plans up until last Saturday night. I didn't know how everyone was going to be, how we were going to feel, would everyone be healthy, would I want to do anything? Last year the kids went to old nanny's house. (I suspect in the future I'll have a hard time remembering when I say old city, new city...like, where was that again? ) So, instead of being vague, I'm just going to put in specifics. We went to New Orleans. That's where old nanny lives, Amy.

Anyway, this year the plan came together Saturday night it was just going to be the kids, meet in the middle, pick up later this week, etc.. but on Sunday morning the kids had assumed I was going, so when I said I hadn't planned to, my daughter actually said she reeeeeally wanted me to go. I actually thought about it when I woke up anyway because while a break from the kids would be nice, I was worried I would just sleep a lot and feel worse over the week. Maybe getting out of town, different scenery, etc would be good for me. So, we loaded up and drove.....and drove....and drove. Normally it's a 5.5-6 hour drive but it took us 7 because just lots of traffic.

The trip itself was fine....however Amy had gotten a new puppy 6 months ago....and staying in a house with an untrained out of control dog was very stressful. It was the jumpy kind that scratched the crap out of my son's back, legs, and even his face. Got my daughter's arms/legs too. I was getting pretty upset by it all and frankly was going to call it an early trip, but after awhile the dog settled somewhat. She kept it on a leash inside the house so it wouldn't run after all of us. I have my own thoughts about the dog i.e. she lets the dog be in control just like her child, but I would of course not say so. The kids had fun going up on the levy, we went to a park, they were able to go bowling, get snowballs. 

I actually drove around places that I haven't been in 20 years. I actually started my career in New Orleans back in 2002 straight out of graduate school. Talk about culture shock--midwest to New Orleans. I drove by the little duplex I lived in....it's on a corner where my door faced one street, the other door faced the other, across the street from a block of park....and it felt like I had my own little place. If I'm not mistaken, my rent back then was $750/mo. It was hard in a way because I had all of these memories flood back when I was living there the first time, my parents and sister came to visit, etc., And, as I drove along the lakeshore and saw the water, I remembered rollerblading along there back when they didn't even have a great pedestrian place to do it. I remember the feelings of not having any cares, being nervous/apprehensive, but all in to learn about my new, first corporate america job....a complete freedom that existed when I had no one else to take care of. I actually had tears as well because it reminded me so much of when my mom was alive. I know I still have deep sorrow about her. I've never had anyone love me like my mom did....my soul was at peace when I was with her. Comforted, taken care of, nutured. So, I parked, got out of the car, and just sat on the bench overlooking the water....letting the tears roll.

Then, shortly after that I drove by our old pediatricians office and my worlds collided....my mom, my life before kids, life with kids. I'm not sure what I expected....well, that's not true, I expected to have this nostalgic tour and the 'hey cool 'remember when's'....and all these good feels, but honestly I just felt kind of sad. So, I had enough of that and went back to the kids. We did end up having a short trip anyway, because I slept pretty badly the entire time, I was really bothered by the dog, so we drove back on Wednesday....again, 7 hours home. 

Thurs-today has been a bit trying because sleep is off w/ the kids too ( I curse daylight saving time) and there has been a lot of grouchiness w/ my girl, and even my son has lost his temper quite a bit. We all are a bit out of sorts now that I think about it.  I'm looking forward to school on Monday, back to the swing w/ soccer practices and games, etc.. Weekends go much better when we are busy. Not sure I mentioned but we are all liking our new league for soccer.....it is a lot w/ the practices, but they are learning and having fun.

Some tidbits....

My son: His new vocabulary--'hey bro'....'that's sick'....he's 7, not seventeen.  Our bedtime routine has changed over time..I used to read to them both in the rocker in my son's room, get them down in their beds, ping pong back and forth to tuck them in because usually one or the other would not stay until I came in....then as my girl got older she wasn't as interested in the books so she started to let me read to him, then come in to her. 

For the longest when tucking in my son we would talk, then as I was leaving his room we would go: 'G'night'. 'Love you'. 'Sleep well'. 'See you in the morning'. 'Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz'. (this came from a version of Dr. Suess words) It had to be in that order or we'd have to start over. And with one of us starting it, then back and forth.  Then we got cool and when it got to the zizzer part one of us would say, 

ME-" Zizzer"

HIM-"Zazzer"

ME-"Zuzz"

Then we got even cooler by splitting up the last words:

ME:-“Zizz”, he’d shout out “ER”

ME:-“Zazz”, HIM-“ER”

ME:-“Zuzz”, HIM-“UH”….with each word getting progressively louder.

Eventually, this faded away after the longest time of this being our routine. Now, our newest thing is I lay next to him in his bed and we actually do a wordsearch puzzle. He really likes them and one day asked if we could do one right before bed. Sure thing. It's so cute he gets out several markers each time and he then let's me choose my marker color. Then he looks at the puzzle straight on, and I'm looking at it upside down and use my left hand. We try to finish one puzzle before I go into my girl's room. There's something very satisfying and relaxing about doing that puzzle w/ him before bed. I look forward to it actually!

My girl: She just shared w/ me that one of her good friends at school Hazel is moving. That makes me sad for her...I know that she makes friends easily, but after making a friend and spending all school year together, it will be an adjustment. She is really liking soccer. I'm glad to see that because we took a break from organized sports when we were going through issues last summer through the Fall. I felt we were finally at a point to let her try again this Spring, and it's going well. Not every day is smooth, but we've come a ways from where we've been.

Me: Next month in April it will be 2 years since working corporate america....the first year was spent taking care of kids during the pandemic, then second year was still the pandemic and was me just trying not to put pressure on myself about being productive, sleeping as much as I "needed" to and getting into a depression unknowingly. And now....I'm itchy, a bit lonely, and tired of sleeping. Now I'm feeling like I'm wasting time, not doing much during the day when the kids are at school. I do things...errands, calls, emails, and such....but I guess for me wasting time is not actively working on a project of some sort. I do still think I'm in a bit of a depression, but I'm not wanting to stay there. I reached out to the Y to ask about getting a trainer 2 times a week. I'm bummed that they didn't respond to the request online--which is their process--and I also emailed the director, no response. I'll try again on Monday to get through because I want to start strength training again/weights. I really enjoy it, and I'm thinking it will be much lower impact than putting all my weight on my ankle when doing the treadmill. I've also encouraged myself to not eat out as much. Just thinking of things I can change, even if not everyday....little changes that will add up. I'm 'kinda' looking around at returning to work. I've thought a lot about what I DO get from work...a built in schedule, socialization, using my brain.... and money and benefits of course. Can't ever have enough of that, can you?

And school is out in about 2 months. Oy vey.

Sports

I actually got a spam comment for the first time (that I know of) in 10 years of this blog. I deleted it and hopefully won't get any more. I do really appreciate the actual comments I get from you all and I read every one of them. Sunflower, I follow your blog and can't believe how big your girl is getting and all the things she is doing. I still think about the loss of your dad and wondering how you are coping over time.

Something I also just noticed for the first time is that I started this blog in August of 2011 and had no idea I would welcome my baby girl just one year after starting this blog, born August 2012. I never put that together until just now when I was looking to see when I even started this thing. The time before. Before I had kids truly seems like a lifetime ago. I've been trying to conceive, was pregnant, or have been raising kiddos for the last almost 11 years. Just wow.  Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go of that stage. Well, the stage of building my family. You spend so much time working towards that, then your brain is in a fog for years, you don't sleep well for at least 7 years (for me), and you look up and your kids are mini adults. Opinions, ideas about their futures....its crazy.

I titled this sports....and mostly because tonight was the first time we've been in sports where there is practice during the week.  All along, since the kids were 3+, we've done a few different leagues. We did a soccer program that I loved where they had trained coaches teaching them fundamentals, then they would have scrimmages. We started there, then when my son was about 5 we tried a new league with basketball for both of them. That was a lot 'bigger' of a league and so many people and kids. A bit overwhelming if I'm honest. This was pre-covid of course. The bigger league has many different sports so we also did flag football, and soccer in this one too. These leagues worked out well when the kids were littler because you had practice/games on same day, one day during the weekend. Easy (ish) to manage.

I'm finding as the kids get older, our needs are changing. I think if they want to continue playing sports, they are needing a bit more structure and a bit more coaching.  The bigger league I mentioned earlier is made up of parent coaches, and our experience all depended on who we got assigned to, such a mixed bag. We had an amazing experience in that first basketball league when my son was 5--coach was just outstanding....and right now we are having the worst experience in flag football where the coach is so negative. Last week he yelled in his son's face during the game and made him run to the endzone and back for messing up.....all the while the boy's mama was on the sideline yelling 'run faster Jackson'. OMG. How humiliating for that kid. BTW I did report this to the league director as this is totally against their policies. We call him coach 'baldy basics'. Baldy also only played his kid and the assistant coaches kid at quarterback. They are actually supposed to rotate the kids so I even went up to him a few times and asked if my son could play some offense. He said it takes time. Like time for what?  It was all just so frustrating because we schlepped out there every Saturday for the past few months in the freezing cold just so my son could 'kind of' play. And the sad thing is, my son is a pretty good athlete. Based on how crappy our experience has been, another first....I've never quit a sport during a season in my entire life. Never. And I didn't think I would allow my kids to either. However, I finally threw in the towel after last week's shenanigans and my son and I agreed we were done w/ this league and this season (there was only 2 more Saturdays to go anyway). I told him we could quit. Neither of us were having fun and every week we'd come home so frustrated. It was awful. Why do this to ourselves? He's 7.

So, all that to say we are trying a new league for soccer for both my son and daughter. They are in U9 and U7 levels of soccer if that means anything to anyone. I had heard about this league years ago from my kids' pre-k 3 teacher Ms. Johanna. She had 4 active kids and said they had great experiences. I've shied away from it because she said they had practices during the week. I couldn't justify running around to practices after school when my kids were so little. And, that made for such a long day for them that I worried it would just be too much. Even now I feel like they are still young for this type of commitment, 9 and 7....but if this allows us to get a better experience, i'm more open to it. My girl has practice 2X a week from 5:30-7 on Tues and Thurs and games on Saturday, and my son has practice 1X a week on Wednesday from 5-6, games on Saturday. I am hoping hoping they have games at different times so I can watch them both.

I will also say I am SO proud of myself. I tend to not be very social at these things while Im sitting watching....but as I came up to the new crowd for my girl I introduced myself to everyone. Then when we went over the field I sat next to a mama that had 2 others kids with her and we chit-chatted on an off the whole practice. I enjoyed it! The best part about it is, I asked my girl how she thought it went and she said, "Amazing!". Although she very politely asked me to stop talking on the car ride home because she was so tired ;).  

We will see how this goes over time. Soccer 4 days a week. Yes, I am now THAT parent.

A few more tidbits I captured: 

In September shortly after school started I asked my son: How was your day?  His response? "It's ok. Things happened. It ended".  Boy of many words, huh.

In January my son and I were talking about work and he pipes up, "Yeah, moms work and Dads stay home". It made me truly stop in my tracks and think, well....in his world, that's exactly what happens! We do have some friends where the Dad is a stay at home Dad, so that's perhaps where he picked that up, not really sure.

Also, my kids and I were talking about the neighbor boys spending the night. I told my kids that since they fight for their mama, likely they will fight more with me. My son says, "Well, that won't happen because you are such a good parent". My daughter then pipes in, "Yeah, you are". All of this was unprompted. It literally brought me to tears...I told them how nice it was to hear that from them. As my tears were coming my daughter jumps up, comes around the table, and tenderly wipes them away, then she gave me a kiss. Then my son gave me a kiss. MELT my heart.

Just this past month my daughter showed me again how huge her heart is.....She brought home a slip from school that asked parents to buy recorders for music class. At the bottom of the slip it had a circle to check that said "I would like to donate my change to the music dept to help buy recorders for students who cannot afford to buy one". Before I even read it she says, "Can I do the bottom part and I want to use my own money". Of course she could! What a truly thoughtful thing to do....in addition, my son went and got money of his own to add to the envelope.

It's times like these that make me feel like I truly am doing something right. I do feel like my kids are grounded, kind, and thoughtful kids. I preach Kindness more than anything else in the house. It's actually rule number one of our Family Rules : Always be kind to each other. What I love to see is some of my messages and important beliefs are actually ooozing into the kids and they are mimicking some of it unprompted. An example of this is dinner conversation. I don't allow any electronics during meals or outside the house even. When we have dinner, it's time for us to just be present and talk. I always ask the kids to tell me something about their day. No matter how small, or how bored they may be with me asking, they do come up with something.  I really feel proud when one of them starts the conversation all on their own and says, so, how was your day? I feel strongly that kids need to learn social skills and conversation skills. We practice regularly and I don't worry taking them out to eat at a restaurant or in public because they know how to act. It reminds me we just went this past Monday to eat and looked at the table over. The two teenage boys were glued to their phones, simultaneously sipping their sodas, while the mama and dad scrolled on their phones too. Does anyone talk to each other anymore? Can anyone shop without their 3 year old glued to a screen? Yes it's harder. Sometimes infinitely harder. But, I guess that is a value of mine that my kids know how to operate w/out technology. I know I sound like a bit of a hypocrite because I was just talking about how their home ipad usage exploded this past year...but I feel like it's all still in moderation to the situation.

Off my soapbox.

As for me, I'm still working with my Dr. to try and find a new combination that will work. We've tried 3 different things now and I can't say I've seen much/sustained improvement. It's a work in progress, but what I'd really like is to not come home from dropping the kids off and feel such a strong urge to crawl back in my bed until around noon. That has been my pattern during the week and it's just not productive. I don't like it, but yet it is so hard to talk myself out of it. It's the one part of the day where I feel like I can truly exhale because I know the kids are taken care of at school and I can just exhale. Perhaps that's the balance of single parenting and just only school time as the break in parenting. I do need to keep reminding myself that I am still doing this by myself. All the time.  So yeah, I guess the depression is still lingering. Going to keep working on it and hope we can work something out and I get some sort of energy/motivation back. Minimally I'll at least be moving around a lot more due to our new soccer schedule ;)

Dear 2022

Dear 2022-Please let us be healthy this year. We struggled a lot w/ your friend 2021 with a very long list of things. It started with Covid and then it just kept going. We had terrible allergy issues, dental issues, dermatology issues, mental health issues, as well as non-stop flus/viruses/and infections from Oct 31-the new year '22. It was one thing after another all. year. long. If we can even have a little less of this.....we will be off to a much better year. Thank you. Sincerely, ME 

Not sure I even discussed the dental/derm issues in an earlier post but: My 9 year old had braces all year long (no idea that's a thing now) and I had a tooth that had a crown and root canal, and unfortunately it failed in March and the tooth had to get extracted, then implant. It's a several month process and the extraction didn't go well from a healing so he had to 'go back in' twice. A 2 month toothache hung out w/ me in '21. In addition, I had a not good/but not bad spot on my arm that the Dr. decided to remove, taking layers out of my arm and sewing it back together w/ a 2" scar. I don't know what happened in our house or why, but I've amped up the vitamins, etc. to get our immune systems kick started again in the hopes we can just get a break. I was really really hopeful things seemed to settle (Finally a few weeks into January), however my son just this week picked up a stuffy nose/mild temp. Just BIG fat sigh. 

Last year my kids turned 9 and 7.  That means this year I will have a child that is turning double digits.  I really just can't. I just can't yet.  I have really struggled in letting nature do what it does, and watch them grow up. I get an achiness in my chest when I think too much about it. It's not that I'm not excited about what's to come, because I am. And it's not that I don't enjoy more of the conversations and the 'hanging out together' as opposed to chasing screaming toddlers and changing diapers. It's just maybe I want to keep slowing it down, slower than time will let me....and that simply makes me achy and anxious, a little bit wistful, and even sad sometimes.  I truly loved loved hearing baby giggles, squishing fat, thick thighs, slobber kisses....of course there's things I loved (and struggled with) since becoming a parent. I shouldn't be surprised...I've struggled with the 'starting new stages' and 'letting go' all along. I remember thinking back and oh wow....my baby is walking, next thing I know they are running....then riding a bike...then able to do it without training wheels...then riding around the circle without mom watching....and now they ride without mom to the park. I'm seriously getting anxiety just typing this out. Poor mom!

I haven't been posting much, which used to be the way I would summarize and document what's happening in our lives. The best I've been able to do is at least keep notes on my phone so I dont lose the memories we've been making. Lately, I've kept a little log of new 'firsts'....as we just are in a new stage of life and parenting with a bit older kids now. I would call this more the: Stretching/Building Independence Stage. For example:

• Bath time. My son took a complete shower all by himself. From turning it on, to getting in, washing himself, turning it off, getting a towel and drying off, and then getting dressed.  That was major and doesn't happen regularly, but it has happened. Bath time in our house has always been a production, especially w/ one person running the show. When the kids were babies/toddlers, etc. I used to do bath time every night. It was just a great way to end the day and simply clean off all the yuck collected during the day. I would put everything we needed in the bathroom, then put both of them in the tub together, wash one and the other, then take one out while keeping an eagle eye on the one still in, then let the one loose I just washed and jammied up (but still in the closed bathroom), then finish up w/ the other. Lots of splashing, crying, and screaming of course. But, then we would open the door and wah-lah! When the kids first started to get bigger, I would still do bath every night, but I would then take them in the bath one at a time....one would go first, then the other. All the while both fighting for mom's attention and then running everywhere because they could open doors. And now, one may take a shower, one a bath in my super big tub. I do still have to round them up when it's time, which now is every other day generally, but if there's any kind of sweat, that equals a shower (mainly for my son, he inherited the serious sweating). I'm still asked to help them get ready for it and they still ask if I can 'talk w/ me?' during bath time. And I usually do. My daughter even tried to wash her own hair a few times....but it is so long and curly, that after a few tries she said yeah, mom, you can do it. So, even if it's in a different way, they are still 'needing' mom during bath time.
• My son is now tall enough that he doesn't need the booster seat at the barber.
• My girl asked for privacy when she was changing. That might have been a one time thing because in general, she doesn't care. We have also welcomed a new first sports bra into our house. A super soft silky smooth pink colored one from target. It took trying on about 8 different styles--from target to high-end retail, but one thing I love about my girl...she knows what she likes. When she decides, that's it. She is very finicky about how clothes fit her (she is still wearing leggings most of the time, and never jeans or anything else really except soccer shorts, but only on the weekends) so the fact that we could find one she loved I/we were so happy. It looked so cute on her I just couldn't handle it. She looks adorable and she has had no trouble wearing it. We actually talked about it because she had come to me and said her clothes were getting smaller, which they were, and she seemed uncomfortable. I asked her if she didn't like her chest area and she shook her head. I said ok sure! we can get you a really cute bralette or something like that and she got excited and asked if we could look online right then. That conversation went so well. In addition, we also had a puberty talk including a birds/bees talk. We also discussed (again) the fact that she was made a bit different i.e. in a Dr.'s office. Once we started talking it just kind of was matter of fact and I was really proud of myself.
• Physical Independence: My girl got her first watch for christmas...a cute little teal one, and she wears it all the time. It's come in very handy because also for the first time, I've let the kids go to our neighborhood 'swing park' by themselves on the weekends or sometimes after school. They can scooter or ride bikes there, and we agree ahead of time on what time they need to be back. I started out letting them go for like 10-15 minutes and over time, we've stretched it to about 30-45 minutes, in addition the rule is they need to stay together.  It's actually turned out so well because a) they have consistently earned trust and come back on time and b) there are two families we know that back up to that park. One of them is in my son's class-his best friend James. My kids go to his house and the 3 of them play. Also, an old colleague of mine that also backs up has 2 kids exactly my kids age-Johnny and Catherine-and just this past weekend my kids ran into them and the mama texted me that she also is working on letting them play more independently at the park and if my kids want to play to let her know. I feel better knowing that there are eyes close by if needed. I've thought more about a smartwatch for the kids so I can actually call or text them if needed, but this works ok for now.  Of course I initially felt very hesitant in allowing them to go....for many reasons. For years I watched them like a hawk and it's been a process to peel myself back a little and give them space i.e. 'slightly' open my mother hen wings. But, I'm proud of how I learned to ease up by taking baby steps. It really was little by little because we started out very small. First step was to allow them to go just in the backyard by themselves....then it stretched to only in the driveway, then into the circle with no bikes, then added the bikes/scooters, then a quick trip to pocket park around the corner, then the farther swingpark, then longer times. This whole evolution of physical independence has happened over the last two years or so. We live in a neighborhood with parks and trails where I feel safe, but of course I still worry. Also, there's the judgement--we were at sand park the other day and ran into another of my son's classmates and his mom. In meeting her for the first time, during the conversation she casually says.....'yeah, I think I saw your kids alone at swing park?'. Yup. That's correct.  Another first is that I've allowed my son to ride directly to James's house by swingpark all by himself for a playdate, and then he rode back home when done. This one I'm still nervous about, but he's only done this once so far. Likely I'll wait more time on this one for a future play date.  I know it's not like when I grew up. I get it. I was going to my neighbor's house all by myself when I was 5, riding around the town on my bike at 6+. Of course w/ a town of 800 people where everyone knew everyone and many decades ago, yes, it was a lot different. Just trying to figure out what works for us now.
• My girl has a real crush on the neighbor boy Teddy. Be careful what you ask for, right? We finally after 6 years get neighbors and they have 2 boys...Teddy 10 and Hugo 8. The older one gets along really well with both of my kids and plays here all the time. He's also taken to eating dinner with us regularly as well. He plays outside w/ my son and shoots hoops, throws football, etc..But, the younger one...well....he has a bit of an anger problem. He clashes a lot w/ my son because the boy tends to cheat, get rowdy and angry, etc.. I know Hugo's around because within about 5 minutes of them playing I'll hear someone screaming. I'm not sure the background but I know the mama bends his way quite a bit. Initially both boys would play, but over time the younger one stays back and and the older plays much more. It's more peaceful that way, so it's working out pretty well. Plus, we do a bit of back and forth with--hey, I need to run to the store quick, can they stay w/ your for a bit, etc.. It's the first time I truly don't feel any guilt asking someone if my kids can go over so I can do something without paying them. Is this what a community feels like?
• TV and the IPAD. I really miss the days when a cartoon on the just the television was enough. The earliest show my girl ever took any interest in was pajanimals on TV when she was around 18 months. Over time, we slowly added more shows, mostly all from PBS. Daniel, George, they would go in phases of what they would watch/be interested in. Eventually we got into peppa and for the longest, that's what they watched. Then around 4 my son took an interest in watching sports, so with his limited attention span, we would watch and he would come and go. We've always watched shows on the DVR or pbs with no commercials so my kids have no idea what it's like to have to sit through constant interruptions and advertisement--which I appreciated. Oh yeah, this happened awhile ago but they know how to completely control the tv/cable/and DVD with all the remotes. Anyway...then due to the pandemic in the spring of 2020, we were left with terrible school equipment for remote school so I got fed up and bought an ipad. Initially all I had on there was the pbs kids app and it was great. They watched it here and there and it was good, very structured times they could watch, etc.. It wasn't until I got covid at the beginning of 2021 that the IPAD usage took off. It was hard to function, let alone parent....so we downloaded our first game apps to give them something to do. It's kind of taken off since then. My limit on ipad usage went out the window then, and over last year with all that we went through, i just didn't care how much time they were spending on it. They know how to go to the app store and look for free games, etc..but I have to approve/download so I've really limited what we've put on there. AND, we still only have 1. Over the years my kids have left me pictures and notes regularly, which I save and completely love. Even these notes have changed over time.  Here are a few recent ones:

"Please can I get disney+. Reasons-Amazon u have to buy everything. I love you. I love you. I love you". From, my girl.

My son wanted to download his first REAL game on the ipad. Minecraft. He's asked for it for about 6 months and I didn't know much about it so basically said no, we've got plenty and we'd have to pay for it. Well, I did look into it further and decided it would be okay so as a surprise, I wrote on a piece of paper for christmas that he could download it. He literally started screaming once he realized what it said. Should have gotten video of that one. However, prior to Christmas, here's a letter he gave me:

"Can you buy minecraft please. I hope you say yes you will probably say no. I love you. It is kid-appropriate and because I am sick and I might be sick on christmas. If I am please buy it I still love you" Next page: "It is almost time for my ??" Third page: "You are the Best mom in the world".

• And last but not least, I still find a lot of joy in the things my kids say and do. Now that they can talk more and write things, it's gotten even more fun.  One night we were trying to order pizza and for some reason the store wasn't allowing me to use a coupon they had given me. I went round and round w/ them and was getting frustrated. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my son run into the kitchen, but wasn't paying much attention.  After I get off the phone next thing I know he is handing me this:

"I hope you will get your ten dollar discount on your next order. But if you don't get it I will get angry at them and I will get also get pissed at them and I love you and the sings too. I love you".

What do you do all day?

After being a stay at home mom for 1 year and 8 months now, I actually had someone (my neighbor) ask me the other day....'So, what do you do all day? Uh.......huh?? I was dumbfounded for a second, then responded with, 'You'd be surprised how much there is to do like laundry, shopping, etc'.....and she proceeds to say, 'That's what weekends are for'.

This was truly the first time someone's ever said that to me, so it took me by surprise. She knows I'm a single parent, but apparently that wasn't enough of a reason for how I could possibly stay at home when my kids are at school and fill my days.  The context around it was we were both talking to one of our new neighbors that moved into our circle with a husband and two boys 10 and 8. We were all three outside chit-chatting and I mentioned I was thinking about going back to work and it can be a bit lonely and isolating being at home. My neighbor who made the comment is probably early 30's, newly married, a teacher, and has no kids. She really has no clue what it's like. Good lesson to keep reminding ourselves of....the old saying of walk a mile....

She probably has no idea that I've spent 18 years working in corporate america-burned out for the last couple of years, simultaneously working projects in real estate, being a single parent for the last 9 years, having some major challenges with both of my children, no real local support around, my parents are both gone.....so yeah, neighbor. You know what I do all day??? You know what I've done since Fall of 2020 because I was home for 6 months 24/7 during lockdown until then??

Rest. And Lots of it.  I've been healing my body and mind from all that was 2020 and in some ways a harder year in 2021 that started out with Covid, a freeze that caused me to run a 3 month long remodel right up until April when my daughter got sick, and basically went from a functioning child to one that started to have meltdowns every few weeks to every week, to multiple times a week, to every single day, to multiple times a day....and usually over an hour every time. Where I had to put my son in my bedroom to keep him away from the chaos. I won't go into detail because I still feel very protective of my child, but suffice it to say, it was awful. A summer that was supposed to be filled with different summer camps I completely cancelled because we were struggling so much. I was desperate to find help from her pediatrician or new doctors, any doctor really, that could help us figure out what was going on and to help us. It's important to point out that over the last few years we have tried some medications. The biggest problem is that even if a few have worked well for awhile, when she gets a lengthy sickness, they eventually become ineffective. In addition to all of that, the therapist we started to see at the beginning of May turned out to be completely awful. 

Finally in beginning of August we went to a neurology clinic to run some basic testing, which came out clear, but through their office we were connected with a new doctor that started seeing us end of August. This Dr. was a beacon of light. Finally, someone who was SO smart, so well-educated, someone who was willing to think outside the box and dig in with us. Through hearing our story: sudden onset of symptoms, changes in behavior after getting sicknesses including strep, certainly two distinct times, with the most recent being April this year, and the complicated case of what we've gone through over the last few years, we discussed something that I had been researching and learning more about for the past year--a specific autoimmune disorder. There's a lot of information to read about, but what I also found is that it's a very controversial diagnosis. In addition to that, there is no magic course of treatment, even if the disorder is suspected.  So, the doctor we started to see in August tapped into his old colleagues at a children's hospital to find out what specialist would be best for us to consult with and set up a referral. We saw the new Dr. who is a rheumatology specialist at the children's hospital in October. After having a consultation with him, he believes there is an inflammatory component that is likely happening, saying it could be the autoimmune disorder, but of course that diagnosis is controversial.  We are in the process of figuring out what our forward path is, which likely is a variety of testing when she actually gets sick again so see what kind of markers may present themselves, what we can learn from that, and continue to make a plan forward.

There's a part of me that didn't even want to explain the last several months. Even though this blog is anonymous to most, there are a couple of people who do read this that actually know us. It's not my preference, but I certainly don't have much choice on whether they read. Also, sharing struggle feels vulnerable. We've been down such a long road. It's been so so hard and I'm not sure how much others can truly understand unless you live it somehow.

Something I've done for myself over the last several months is her beacon of light Dr. gave me a referral to a specialist therapist. A really really good one who actually focuses her practice on challenging situations like ours. I started doing therapy 2 days a week....one day was solely focused on the kids, and the other day was just about me. It's been very helpful. She's given me some strategies, some tools, some challenge on things to think about.....and also helped me realize I've gotten into a depression over the last 8 months or so and didn't even realize it. Why? Because I haven't been sad and crying. I really truly assumed that since I was feeling ok, hopeful for the future, etc. that it didn't even dawn on me that I might be depressed. I knew I lacked motivation and energy....but funny enough (well, not really funny) but me taking the kids to school, coming home to nap for a few hours, then not leaving the house some days wasn't a big enough clue that I could be depressed. This IS something I want to shout about....if you even have an inkling that something is off, see a professional. When I did follow up with my Dr. and mentioned those details, he said that about 60% of his patients who have depression don't actually feel sad and cry all day. Who knew? 

The other thing going forward is insurance. It may be a moot point because as I've mentioned earlier I've thought about going back to work (not solely for insurance), but that would be a benefit.  It was very sobering for me to see the lack of good healthcare insurance options outside of a corporate company structure. I've had it for such a long time that I didn't really think much about it....and have thought over and over again, how do people really make it on these extremely expensive plans that provide limited, HMO coverage, some with crazy high deductibles. It's a big problem.

I'm surprised, and not really surprised it's been about 3 months since I've written a post. In addition to what I've written above, we've had a string of sickness in the house...someone has been sick since October 31 with fevers, my son got a stomach flu, my daughter got it twice, I got a respiratory infection that I'm still recovering from. It's just been a pure mess.

This year really has been one of the toughest for me and my family. A string of big and challenging things throughout this year....but I remain hopeful. I am resilient. I will keep advocating for myself and my children any which way I can. I fiercely love and will protect my children whatever it is I have to do. If it's sleeping on the floor next to my daughter's bed, holding her hand at 4am because she can't fall back asleep, I'll do it.  If it's calling the school immediately about a knucklehead kid who keeps pinching/hitting my son, I'll do it. If it's funneling through dr. after dr. to find help and hope...I'll do it.

I hope something 'lifts' after this post and I can stop the mental block of--I just don't want to write. I have appreciate this space for many years and do want to continue sharing.

Brief check in

I have really had a hard time posting. I've avoided it for awhile, really, because while there were some bright spots over the summer, we've also experienced some crazy hard times in our family. Some of the worst, actually. I thought maybe if I posted just a brief few sentences, it wont feel like this big looming 'I haven't posted in 2 months' feeling of dread.

The start to school was last week has been a little rocky. My son has come home every day from 1st grade and said 'It's awful'.... My daughter on the otherhand has come home from 4th grade and said she loves it. Both of them have been truly exhausted after school and it hasn't been pretty here. They surely will need some time to adjust to all day school again. The other issue is I am very concerned about covid. Our governor said no schools can mandate masks, so some districts challenged that and did it anyway, our school district did not. When we had the open house last monday I'd say 20% were wearing masks? On the first day of school maybe just 10%? My son said a boy in his clase wore his, but when he saw noone else wearing one, he took his off. I know that's exactly what my kids would do too.

I'll write more later, but I wanted to at least get the ball rollin back on here and say hello, we are ok, but things have been so, so hard.

SUMMER!

 Well....we did it. We made it to Summer break! Kids got out of school last Thursday. It was exciting, sad, and almost a disbelief the year was over--not to mention the pressure of trying to figure out what we're going to do all summer. I think back to last summer and everything was still shut down, kids had been out of school since March, we literally couldn't go to the pool, the park, the stores, just nothing. We stayed home 24/7 for the most part for 6 months. We did do drive through when that started to open and we did go to the pool (with a mask and socially distanced) when that opened as well. That's about it.  What a difference now: I'm fully vaccinated, I went to my first store last week without a mask. Now that was an odd experience. I literally felt like I was missing something and doing something wrong. I can't quickly shake the 'wear a mask or you'll die', so not wearing still made me anxious. Although being able to breathe and not sweat in the store was soooo missed.  What's another sobering statistic is that we are almost at 600,000 covid deaths in the united states. 33 million people have had the virus, which includes 3 from this house. I still look at the website regularly that tallies deaths and trends and see we still have hundreds of people dying every day. We also still have a lot of people who don't want to get vaccinated, my sister being one of them. I can't seem to convince her that she needs it, but ultimately it is her decision. Our school even called off the mask mandate as of June 1. I thought that was a bit premature, but hopefully by the Fall things will be semi-normal?

I'm happy that we can look forward and breathe a little easier. I've spent a lot of time doing legwork on camps. Calling, getting prices, reading about the different options, and ultimately signing up. So, this week they are both going to a basketball camp at our elementary school. My son loves basketball so it was a no brainer on that one...but my daughter said no until I told her she could buy the pizza one of the days. Then she was all in. The week after that they are both going to a Y day camp that offers all kinds of stuff like arts, crafts, steam stuff, swimming, day trips, etc, and they feed them! Then the following week while my son stays at the Y, my daughter will go to a one week Spanish immersion camp. She's asked for a long time now about Spanish lessons....and a friend of mine is sending her son there for a month, so really excited to see how she does with it. Then they are both going to visit Amy for a week so I can fly to see my sister. They are doing that so I can have several days to help my sister clean her entire house from top to bottom. She's a lot like my mom and has so much 'stuff' like everywhere. She's been struggling on/off for such a long time now with her health that she asked me to come and help her with the house, it's just too overwhelming for her. So, for the past several weeks I've been contacting carpet cleaners, entire house cleaners for a total deep clean, and carpet installers so she can fix the basement that flooded a few years ago and put it back together. I decided for schedule that: DAY ONE we are going to go in each area of the house and pull out and put in a box everything that doesn't need to be in there and put it in the garage.DAY TWO: House cleaners DAY THREE: Carpet cleaners. We will be sorting through all the crap on day 2 and 3 when the house itself is getting deep cleaned. It's going to be a ton of work, but she really really needs this.

After I get back I have the kids scheduled at the Y for rest of the summer, but you can always cancel a week here and there if other plans come up. My son's little friend Caroline (who he constantly draws pictures for, makes heart shapes with his fingers and points them towards her) asked if we wanted to go to a water park, etc. so for things like that and if we just need more time to relax as well. My whole idea about camps all summer is that they need to stay busy. They need to be active, get energy out, etc.. I think it will be good for them, and good for me to still have some space to myself. A little piece of me was thinking okay, I'm a stay at home mom....and I'm sending my kids to camp all summer. But, then I thought, so what? I will be with them every morning, after camp, and all weekend. There are things camps can do that I am not so good at like: arts/crafts, coming up with new and adventurous things to do, etc. Also, I felt a little better when I learned an old work friend who works from home and her husband is a stay at home dad are sending their 6 year old to camp all summer too.

We started therapy again for my daughter. Things have continued to be a struggle so I researched again to find a good therapist....we did not want a play therapist, but we also didn't want one that was so focused on the education piece because she has a hard time applying that. It's also hard for my girl to talk about her emotions and things in general, so it really did need to be the right match. So, we are trying one out that has good ratings and we've been there twice now. I'm not sure yet what I think....I forgot how slow things go in therapy to see any kind of change or improvement. I keep thinking to myself I'm not seeing the value for the cost just yet. Thankfully insurance picks up a large portion of the fee, otherwise I'd really be more upset, I think. Guess we will see it through for a bit and hope for the best.

A big positive for me is that I haven't had any caffeine since last Monday--a whole week. I'm not even sure what happened other than I said I feel crappy, maybe I just won't have a soda today. And then I started thinking about something my counselor had talked about with me, and that was treating my body well and doing things that made me feel good. I deserve that. I sure do....and I will say caffeine addiction is no joke. But interestingly the transition has not been awful. What I've done is traded in my diet coke with caffeine free in my fridge (at least for now).  What I've noticed so far is that my overall 'feeling' is better. I'm dreaming more, which means I'm getting better quality sleep. I dont wake up feeling like so sluggish and dragging myself out of bed. AND I beat my son at memory card game today. That is a major accomplishment. I'm fuller faster at meal time. I'd like to continue on this path and see what else I notice for the better.

These last several weeks I've felt like I've run around like crazy, doing taxes, working to get the remodel at rental house finished, scheduling appointments for my sister's house, working on summer camps, doctors appointments, regular errands, etc.. My calendar has been quite full lately with just 'stuff'. So, I'm hoping once the kids start camp and I finish the remodel that things will slow down a bit.  What's a bit crazy to me is that in the past I managed all this and had a full time job, oh and let's not forget single parenting. That's a pretty heavy load. So, while I'm off I want to make sure I'm using my time wisely and not 'wasting' it.  Another great thing is that since the kids' camp is at a Y, I can drop them off and go right on in and do my own workout. Every day, no excuses since I'll literally BE there. Sure hope that helps with the motivation factor for me.

List

There are a lot of things swirling in my mind....so hopefully it makes sense after writing.

I'm going to start with parenting. I was feeling so renewed after having a break during spring break. I'm not sure if it was something in the water, but man oh man has it been tough in our house. I take that back, I know likely the culprit--my daughter picked up a respiratory virus/strep throat several weeks ago (not covid, she was tested)....and let me tell you, there's nothing more that contributes to her mood than being sick, tired, or hungry. If you put all of them together, it's just not going to be pleasant. I've been dealing with so. much. bickering and arguing. It is relentless and nonstop. Between the two, between my girl and I, and even my son and I have had words--he's been taunting his sister a lot and he also continues to hang, swing, jump off, and climb everything, including our mantel. He literally was climbing the wall the other day--we have a post and he was shimmying up it. They both have such different personalities that when there is confrontation my son usually backs down to make peace, but my daughter just digs her heels in harder. That's a trigger for me when it's outright defiance, then things escalate. I'm ashamed to admit I've lost it a time or two lately. I've gotten back to a place that makes me realize I need parent/counseling help. I need more tools in order to figure out how to deal with the meltdowns without sacrificing the relationship w/ my girl. I do need to give myself some credit, though, because when there are battles, I sometimes do handle things well and if I dig deep I can have patience....for example, we needed to go to rental house by 12noon on a Saturday. Around 11am I said ok, time to get going. I hear, "I'm not going". My daughter decided she didn't want to go. Of course I tried most of my tricks like giving her time, space, started playing a game with my son and said she could play after she got ready....I got nothing except "No, I'm not going". In my mind I'm thinking okay, she's bigger now, I can't just pick her up and put her in the car anymore....what do I do? We do have a list of family rules on the wall, in addition to the consequences for not following them.  However, sometimes giving consequences work like a calm down (time out), but other times she could care less. I consciously said ok, I'm going to lean in to her and and empathize, hug, let her know I'm there for her etc and while it took about 45 minutes, she ended up choosing to get ready to go. Maybe I just need more practice with this type of response, I don't know. I do know that her anxieties have contributed to issues as well because for the first time at school she refused to get out of the car during morning drop off. Basically it was raining on the way to school and I said we were going to wait in the car rider line. One of her triggers is being late. The longer we sat there the more worked up she got. She ended up pretty much in a meltdown by the time we got to the door. It's not something I want to remember because it was painful. I struggled with what to do? She was in such a state--when she gets like that her mood is just 'unregulated' is the best way to describe....it's like a fight or flight kicks in and she sometimes does both. I hesitate sharing too much because I feel very protective of her and her struggles, but I suspect I'm not alone. All of that to say, I really feel like we both need help. I don't want her carrying shame or embarrassment and I need help with how best to handle certain situations.  

ME:

-I've been focused lately on taking care of some health things-like getting my tooth extracted--was a long recovery and they had to go back in--4 weeks with pain in your mouth is no fun. Right before that a crown had broken so I had to get a new one of those as well. Lots of money lately for my teeth.  I also recently had a non cancerous mole looked at. It was determined to be not great, but not bad....so Dr. wanted to err on the side of take out....so I'm healing now with a 3 inch set of stitches across my forearm. I researched whether my insurance covered dieticians and they do! So I reviewed which ones were in network and set up a new visit with her. I did like her, was motivated with it....then she needed to book out 2 weeks because of a move. Needless to say, I cancelled my visit w/ her today. I need to pick it up, but that's about how things go sometimes....I get an idea, try it, and my follow through just falls off.

- I recently looked in a trunk I had in the closet and came across some old photos. There was one of my just my mom and dad. It hit me hard that both of them are now gone. I still wanted to show my kids because I don't have pictures of my mom up, it is still painful after all these years....and the tears just rolled. Seeing my mom's face, her eyes....even now I'm just crying. God I miss her. It was sad, too in a way that seeing pictures of the family I grew up around felt like a lifetime ago. Like it's been so long since we lived together, were together, etc..that I just felt a heaviness. Sadness...wistfulness, maybe. Another random thing I did was thought of a past relationship when I was a teenager. I think opening up that trunk opened a few things up in my memories too. I looked up online and actually found a picture of him now and he is old and fat. I hardly recognized him....but what surprised me was the angry feelings I had about the relationship. It was not a healthy one, and that kind of started me down the road of not healthy relationships. I kind of had an aha because I do have fear of abandonment, perhaps contributing to the reason I'm completely single after all this time....and realized that that is exactly how he treated me. That's when I started getting mad.  I mean for real this was around 30 years ago, but all these emotions came up that I was not expecting or prepared for. I'm not really sure what to do with this knowledge other than to stew on it, but not let it bring me down.

 --To continue down the nostalgic path, I looked at videos back from when my phone could take them--around 2015. I realized we hardly have ANY videos from last year during the pandemic by the way. But also realized my kids are big now. I feel like my daughter has looked similar since she was 5, but my son has changed leaps and bounds since he turned 6. His adult teeth are coming in. It makes me sad, in a way, that my kids aren't little little anymore. My son no longer says I wuv you. It's I love you.

--I flew for the first time in maybe 2 years? My sister turned 50 and I flew up direct to meet up in a town about 2 hours from her, and 3 hours from my brother....lots of things went wrong like our hotel was horrible, we changed a few times....my brother's truck broke down. But, it allowed him to actually stay the night and spend more time together. It was really really good to be together. I wished my kids could have hung out too.....but I needed a break i.e. read all of the above.....so Amy came to visit, thankfully to allow me the 48 hours to go.

--I'm getting itchy to move. We've been here almost 6 years now. Market is great for sellers.....but no pull as to go somewhere else. I've been eyeing my neighbor's house w/ an attached garage. I decided to keep my rental house and am in the process of remodeling it. Tenant signed a two year lease so that helped me feel more confident in keeping.

--Still have been thinking of that third child. Not ready to give the idea up just yet. Maybe that's okay. If anyone wants to donate embryos? let me know. Kidding, sort of. I've checked out a few of the websites for embryo donation and just not sure how much success a single person might have on there. For now I'll just keep our baby stuff.

--My brain is so dull these days. My short term memory is laughable, I can't find the words I want to use, I forget what I am saying mid-sentence. I chalk some of this up to bad sleep i.e. I still don't sleep well and my 6 year old seems to wake up as much as a newborn sometimes. I really felt it when my son brought home a challenge sheet where you look at a picture, then take it away and ask questions to see what you can remember. Oh my....my mental sharpness is gone. I used to be So quick too. Sigh.

My son:

--We all were talking in the car the other day and he says, 'I miiiight be annoying, but I do nice stuff'! 

--He still surprises me with his sweetness....he asked to crack the eggs in the kitchen. He pulled out 9 eggs and said, 'Look!'...I said looks good. He said, 'LOOK'....I still didn't see and he showed me he had laid out the eggs in the shape of a flower for me. He was home sick and I mentioned I was tired...he said 'oh, do you want me to sit with you to comfort you?'. We were reading books at night and I asked if he wanted to read the left page and I read the right? He said, "No, you read...I like the sound of your voice".

--He is very descriptive sometimes when he talks....we had a round of strep throat come through and when my son had it he said it felt like 10,000 bees stinging it.  When he was mad he described it as he felt like he was inside of the tin cake cover i.e. feeling trapped.

--He tested into the talented and gifted program at school. I knew he was crazy good at math but I had no idea he was as good at reading. On the standardized tests he scored 97%ile in reading and 98%ile in math. He was one of only 4 kids out of over 100 that tested in. I was kind of amazed, really. They call it the Challenge program. For kinder he goes once a week for an hour and starting in first grade they go all day once a week.  Will see how that goes. I know his other kinder academic work was way too basic.

My Girl:

--She has a really dry sense of humor. She's going to be queen of the one liners, I think. The other day when we were eating dinner she says, 'I said it once and I'll say it again....I do not like meatloaf". It might be a 'you had to be there' moment but to hear this come out of an 8 year old just cracked me up.

--She has a lot of nicknames....sis, sister...babe is the one I use the most.

--Don't know if I mentioned but she got braces on the top of her teeth in December. Oy vey. Apparently they do it differently now where if they need to make space, they prefer to move their teeth to keep them versus pull them out later. I was on the fence about it, got 2 consultations, and for some reason the second one sold me. He used the 'if it were my kid'....and he has 5 of them. I made a quick decision the day of the consultation to do it, and for insurance to pay as much as they could. She will have to get the bottom ones on this week. She'll keep both on until December. I really had some remorse after doing it because she was in a lot of pain and really it's only 1 tooth we are trying to save, her teeth were already straight, she'll have to wear a retainer until all her adult teeth come in, AND this doesn't prevent her from needing a second set of braces afterwards.....but her regular dentist agreed it was the right decision too. Perhaps it will save her from having oral surgery and wearing them a shorter time both times.

--My girl had been asking for a fish for a few years now. She even wrote a paper at school that was a persuasive essay on how our family needed a fish. After reading her work I finally caved and said yes, she could get a fish. We went and picked it out, got all of the equipment, tank, rocks, and set it up.....and oh no....the fish died after two days. I dont remember it being that hard to keep a fish when I was growing up, don't you just put it in a bowl? We didn't do that of course, but aw man. After realizing what it would take to keep a fish she decided she didn't want to replace it. Probably a good decision.

--Their class got a pet hamster named Luna and she was so excited the teacher agreed to do it. There was a ball she got to run around in during class and overall they were having a lot of fun w/ her. And then....we get the email. Luna had gotten sick and didn't make it. I had to explain to my girl over spring break that Luna wouldn't be there when she got back to school. Thankfully she didn't cry. I'm hopeful that this is enough with pets for awhile.

--She's had a lot of struggles lately, but I'm hopeful that we are just in a valley and things will improve soon.

--She smells SO good. For some reason, she has always had this fresh, sweet smell and it is just amazing. sometimes I ask her to come over to me so I can hug her and just bury my head next to hers...and breathe deeply. ahhhhhh.

Like I said, lots of mish mosh of things....but I think something I'm learning w/ parenting is that there are lots of peaks and valleys. For some reason, I had this idea that things just sort of stay constant. I'm not sure why I even thought this....but in our house it just doesn't. Maybe in others' houses it does, but not ours. Guess i'm constantly learning.