I’m sitting here, kids in bed, my son still talking himself to sleep, and not feeling all that well. Quite sore and twingey if that’s a word. My son earlier could tell I was laid out a bit so in order for me to play our game of shooting a stuffed baseball into a shopping cart he came over and “infused”me with energy by sticking his finger in my arm and making noises like he was filling me up. A for effort and I wish it could be as easy as that!
Today I had my hyster.oscopy, which was needed to check out my uterus, check for cysts etc. my appointment was at 10, but I was one of the last procedures so I planned on being there awhile. I had to have light sedation so could not drive. The one friend I would have asked had the flu, I didn’t want nanny to know exactly where I was going, so what did I do? Ub.er.
If that’s not enough to make you feel super single I don’t know what is. I honestly didn’t expect to feel any sort of lonely going into today because it really was just a small procedure, but I kinda did. Even after going down this road twice already there’s something about not having someone there to give your purse to, you know? Also-Especially when the nurse said I better have someone waiting or anesthesia would not move forward. Ah well.
Some good things about today were that I was excited, although physically very hungry and thirsty. I felt good heading over there but also because, maybe, I haven’t committed yet and still can change my mind. Also, because they were so behind I had over an hour to sit on the gurney completely unplugged—no phone, no internet, no tv. Just me, my thoughts, and the wall. This was good because I can’t remember the last time I was so not distracted with something.
I think that’s why meditation etc must be so good for people because my thoughts were all over the place and at some points I just felt anxious. I was listening to the nurse complain about her headache. I heard the girl in the curtain next to me say she was on 4 blood pressure and 4 diabetic medications. Wow.
If I rewind a bit when I was in the waiting room there were some moments when I was feeling a bit anxious also. A couple had come in with a little over one year old. He was very active, wanting to get down, crawling everywhere, noisy, dropping crumbs everywhere, wearing diapers of course. I sat there and thought—oh wow—am I really really ready for this again.
I also talked to my cousin with the five kids yesterday and that probably wasn’t good timing. She said her experience going from 2-3 was hard, and now with five she has zero time for herself. I asked her if she has a best mom friend and she kinda laughed ie no time for that either.
However, I’ve always wondered if going to three with a two parent house seems crazier to them because they just become outnumbered. I was outnumbered already at two. I’ve learned a lot about managing a duo. She was also super tired and I think a bit overwhelmed with all that she does. Let’s not forget all of those kids are in multiple sports so she said she spends most of her time running someone somewhere. She certainly didn’t discourage me from pursuing and said everyone has to make their own decisions—I totally agree. But I think her point was around if I was still needing that me time, it just gets much harder to do.
The other thing I had an AHA about: my aunt has watched all of her kids for the past 15 years. and while I was envious of that (not to mention all the money they saved), it never occurred to me that she/her husband also have to spend a lot of their time cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. And when I told her my nanny handles most of that for me she said that a nanny is better than having a husband! Keep the nanny! I think this just reinforced the grass isn’t always greener, and I’m so fortunate to have someone in our lives who takes such good care of us. Yes expensive but worth every penny to keep me sane and afford me a whole lot of quality time with my littles.
A bit of a tangent but as I said, my thoughts were all over the place today. After coming home and not feeling so well I thought to myself, ready for 5 months of nausea? Ready to force myself to keep it movin with two very active kids even when my body says slow down?
Thankfully I have the luxury of a bit more time to keep thinking. I wouldn’t start any medication for another few weeks so I’ll just keep thinking and processing through.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Secret Box
Can anyone guess what's in this box?...........It starts with a letter L.
Okay, I won't keep you guessing for long. Guess I'm feeling a bit cheeky tonight. It's Lupron. Most of those reading this blog will know exactly what that means. But in case you don't, I've decided to go for it. ( I think!). I'm going to see if my remaining embryos can make a baby.
This has been in the back of my mind for years. I've been thinking harder about this for the last year. And now, over the past 2 months the dial has turned. I've done about as much research as I can about everything I can think of.....being 44, adding a third child, adding a third child as a sing choice mom, community building, rates of success, complications due to age, being a bit overweight and pregnant, how age gaps affect children, am I too old, is it selfish, how will this impact my children, feelings of family not being 'done', ticking biological clock....etc. etc. and more etc.....
And you know....what it comes down to is this. It's my life. I will make the best choice for me and my children. I don't live with any regrets now and don't want to start. I'm feeling called/pulled to this, even though logically it may not make sense. I totally get that. Looking on the outside, someone might say what the crap, she's got two, healthy, beautiful children. One boy, one girl. What more could she want? They are just getting out of the infant/toddler stage and things are starting to get easier physically...why mess that up? Does she want to be a 50 year old with a first grader? Things were brutally hard last year and she's been sleep deprived for about 4 years....why start over? She hasn't had easy pregnancies, what if something happens?
Yes, of course I've thought through all of that. And yes, I worry about a lot of those things. I just can't explain it, though, other than, it feels like I should try. I don't want to leave those embryos behind and I don't want to do this any older. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if you think it's the right thing. One thing I want to be clear about is I'm not doing this because my children aren't 'enough' or I'm not fulfilled in some way. They absolutely are my heart...and for that reason, I'd be okay if I proceed and it doesn't work and it was not meant to be for our family. I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a mom. I had a goal, went after it, and do have an amazing family. I'm just following my heart and that's really what it boils down to. Also, who knows.....maybe there are others out there who have two and are on the fence? Don't know....but if you are, would love to hear about it! I've talked to a few friends and you know what I find interesting? Those who are also moms say go for it. The friends that have no children have been more cautious with their words.
Interesting, huh?
So, back in October after I had a bunch of labs run to see how things were looking I had also spoken to the coordinators to understand costs and the process. They basically just told me about cycle days, approximately timeline, medication etc.. and said to call when I was ready.
I ended up just going over to their office this past Monday because I assumed I would need some labs or something anyway. Turns out I did not yet, but was able to meet with the new IVF manager there who supports the Dr. since he is so busy. She is new from last time, and I really liked her. She is a year older than I am, interestingly enough. I wanted to know about if I moved forward, how would they assess embryos, etc and she said since I have 3 grade B day six.....sometimes when they thaw them, they lose cells so mostly likely they will thaw 2, see how they do, but likely would thaw the 3rd and implant what they can. And that would be that.
It would work, or it wouldn't.
I was also given a laundry list of medications from the coordinator that I would need from my local pharmacy. I almost forgot about all that you still have to do, even with a F...ET. I have to admit that when I took it all home and stared at it I got a bit overwhelmed like oh wow, am I really ready for this. It is a serious commitment to move forward. I put it all away and decided to look at it again on Tuesday. By then I was back ready to go.
So that's where the box comes in. I have insurance, but not insurance that covers fertility. So basic medication will be covered like estrace, progesterone, etc.. but what is not is the Lupron. The office recommended 2 pharmacies, one in the U.S. and one in Turkey of all places. I called both and the Turkey one was $275 including shipping and the U.S. one was $575. When talking to the U.S. one I asked if insurance was taken just to try it and guess what??! She clicked away and came back and said your new total is $5. FIVE BUCKS. Such a crazy nice surprise. I ordered it so fast before she could realize she maybe made a mistake or something. I figured in any case, better to have it and decide ultimately to change my mind, than to say no and have to figure it out later.
At the end of the day, I always reserve the right to change my mind. I've told myself that I should move forward as long as it seems right, and if not, then just stop.
I also forgot how much of a roller coaster of emotions this can be.
It's all coming back quickly, though.
I actually thought twice about putting all of this out here and just waiting to see what I ultimately chose to do...if it worked....if things moved positively, etc.. because this makes me feel vulnerable. Everyone these days has an opinion and aren't afraid to be ugly. I don't want ugly.
Also, if you know me in real life, please don't share this info. It is deeply personal.
However, I figured this is my blog and a place I've captured my life over the last 8 years....it has been a great way for me to process, think out loud, digest, reflect. With the bonus of others' comments along the way. It's been therapeutic in a way. Back in the old days.....we used paper for this kind of thing.
And finally....
I got this out of my girl's backpack tonight. A Leader is Nice and Kind......And she drew me!
What a fabulous way to end the day.
Okay, I won't keep you guessing for long. Guess I'm feeling a bit cheeky tonight. It's Lupron. Most of those reading this blog will know exactly what that means. But in case you don't, I've decided to go for it. ( I think!). I'm going to see if my remaining embryos can make a baby.
This has been in the back of my mind for years. I've been thinking harder about this for the last year. And now, over the past 2 months the dial has turned. I've done about as much research as I can about everything I can think of.....being 44, adding a third child, adding a third child as a sing choice mom, community building, rates of success, complications due to age, being a bit overweight and pregnant, how age gaps affect children, am I too old, is it selfish, how will this impact my children, feelings of family not being 'done', ticking biological clock....etc. etc. and more etc.....
And you know....what it comes down to is this. It's my life. I will make the best choice for me and my children. I don't live with any regrets now and don't want to start. I'm feeling called/pulled to this, even though logically it may not make sense. I totally get that. Looking on the outside, someone might say what the crap, she's got two, healthy, beautiful children. One boy, one girl. What more could she want? They are just getting out of the infant/toddler stage and things are starting to get easier physically...why mess that up? Does she want to be a 50 year old with a first grader? Things were brutally hard last year and she's been sleep deprived for about 4 years....why start over? She hasn't had easy pregnancies, what if something happens?
Yes, of course I've thought through all of that. And yes, I worry about a lot of those things. I just can't explain it, though, other than, it feels like I should try. I don't want to leave those embryos behind and I don't want to do this any older. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if you think it's the right thing. One thing I want to be clear about is I'm not doing this because my children aren't 'enough' or I'm not fulfilled in some way. They absolutely are my heart...and for that reason, I'd be okay if I proceed and it doesn't work and it was not meant to be for our family. I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a mom. I had a goal, went after it, and do have an amazing family. I'm just following my heart and that's really what it boils down to. Also, who knows.....maybe there are others out there who have two and are on the fence? Don't know....but if you are, would love to hear about it! I've talked to a few friends and you know what I find interesting? Those who are also moms say go for it. The friends that have no children have been more cautious with their words.
Interesting, huh?
So, back in October after I had a bunch of labs run to see how things were looking I had also spoken to the coordinators to understand costs and the process. They basically just told me about cycle days, approximately timeline, medication etc.. and said to call when I was ready.
I ended up just going over to their office this past Monday because I assumed I would need some labs or something anyway. Turns out I did not yet, but was able to meet with the new IVF manager there who supports the Dr. since he is so busy. She is new from last time, and I really liked her. She is a year older than I am, interestingly enough. I wanted to know about if I moved forward, how would they assess embryos, etc and she said since I have 3 grade B day six.....sometimes when they thaw them, they lose cells so mostly likely they will thaw 2, see how they do, but likely would thaw the 3rd and implant what they can. And that would be that.
It would work, or it wouldn't.
I was also given a laundry list of medications from the coordinator that I would need from my local pharmacy. I almost forgot about all that you still have to do, even with a F...ET. I have to admit that when I took it all home and stared at it I got a bit overwhelmed like oh wow, am I really ready for this. It is a serious commitment to move forward. I put it all away and decided to look at it again on Tuesday. By then I was back ready to go.
So that's where the box comes in. I have insurance, but not insurance that covers fertility. So basic medication will be covered like estrace, progesterone, etc.. but what is not is the Lupron. The office recommended 2 pharmacies, one in the U.S. and one in Turkey of all places. I called both and the Turkey one was $275 including shipping and the U.S. one was $575. When talking to the U.S. one I asked if insurance was taken just to try it and guess what??! She clicked away and came back and said your new total is $5. FIVE BUCKS. Such a crazy nice surprise. I ordered it so fast before she could realize she maybe made a mistake or something. I figured in any case, better to have it and decide ultimately to change my mind, than to say no and have to figure it out later.
At the end of the day, I always reserve the right to change my mind. I've told myself that I should move forward as long as it seems right, and if not, then just stop.
I also forgot how much of a roller coaster of emotions this can be.
It's all coming back quickly, though.
I actually thought twice about putting all of this out here and just waiting to see what I ultimately chose to do...if it worked....if things moved positively, etc.. because this makes me feel vulnerable. Everyone these days has an opinion and aren't afraid to be ugly. I don't want ugly.
Also, if you know me in real life, please don't share this info. It is deeply personal.
However, I figured this is my blog and a place I've captured my life over the last 8 years....it has been a great way for me to process, think out loud, digest, reflect. With the bonus of others' comments along the way. It's been therapeutic in a way. Back in the old days.....we used paper for this kind of thing.
And finally....
I got this out of my girl's backpack tonight. A Leader is Nice and Kind......And she drew me!
What a fabulous way to end the day.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Sarah
So this morning everyone got up around 6:35am. My son wakes up a happy camper most days and my girl....well, she doesn't really. It takes her some time. Anyway we all came out of my room to the living to watch our morning cartoons and as my two were walking out at the same time my girl quickly says, 'Let's play follow the leader'....my son says 'OK'....then as soon as he is behind her she runs to the rocking chair. And of course that's where he was headed. She's getting tricky, this one. I said she either needed to share or move to another chair, that of course brought about some fussing.
So, as she's getting up from where they are both sitting my son leans over and puts his head down on the armrest kind of hunched over and says, "I need to pray to Jesus".
I couldn't help but laugh out loud......he then looks at me and says, "Mommy I prayed that we have a good day". This kid can be hilarious.
We did in fact, have a good day.....something a bit miraculous. I finished up cleaning off the mantel this morning and cleaned off our tall counter in the kitchen last night. This sounds completely minor in the grand scheme of things but for me, it's pretty major. For so long I've been focused on so many other things that it just fell to the bottom of my priority list i.e. I really and truly haven't cared what's on the mantel. For example, we had our Christmas countdown calendar up there where it stayed from the year before. Now, our nanny from time to time goes through things, but in all honestly I haven't been too worried about what papers get piled up on those surfaces. So over the last few days I finally had the energy? will? motivation? to go through it all. Not really sure, but it felt so good. There is nothing better than a completely decluttered countertop.
I don't think that it's a coincidence that I have had TWO children sleeping through the night pretty much for about a month. A whole, glorious month. I'm not sure that's ever happened in 4 years. Seriously. For me, I think it's a sign that I'm coming back around. Hey, I may even get to the boxes that have been stacked against my wall for 3 years....hold on, maybe I should pace myself ;)
Something that is going on now that is not so great.....some issues at the preschool. My son has been talking about this boy Elijah since school started. He'd come home saying this boy was hitting the teacher, kicking someone, and even a few weeks ago said he spit at someone. The teacher has confirmed at least some of the stories, but of course she can't say much. So at Christmas party I mentioned this boy to his teacher and she was clearly frustrated too. She told me that I didn't hear it from her, but if I was concerned I should elevate it to the director.
So, a few weeks ago I said hey look, my son continues to share these stories, etc etc..and I'm concerned that it is affecting my son. She sent an email back saying she'd look into things and follow up. I got nada.
THEN, on Wednesday this past week as soon as nanny picked up my son nanny sent me a text saying that the boy had spit in my son's face during class. I was like hold up....what!....are you kidding me?! I was waiting for the emailed incident report to respond. I basically just said look, this kid's pattern of behavior is unacceptable. I highlighted a few weeks ago an issue, didn't hear anything back, and now my son was spit at. Something needs to be done and I will no longer allow my son to be around this child. So.....I didn't send my son on Thursday (so we all had a pajama day since my girl was exhausted and I let her stay home too) The director emailed back saying they'd discuss some things and I said just let me know when there was a plan. Haven't heard back so we'll see about Monday.
Look, I get that they have progressive discipline procedures, etc. but at the end of the day, I think repeated, nasty behavior should escalate things. And the thing is, I don't blame the child. Every event I've been to his parents don't show up and the poor kid is asking the teacher where his mom and dad are. Sigh. So sad.
Something else that is clearly not great.....when I was growing up around 4th grade I met a girl at school named Sarah. We became fast friends and her mother and my mother became besties as well. When I look back, I think her mom was definitely my mom's BMF--best mom friend. They had a lot in common and someone my mom could really trust. Fast forward a few years after meeting their family, they moved away to a neighboring town about 40 minutes away and shortly after that, Sarah's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She only lived a few years after diagnosis and died when Sarah was 14, I was 15. After they moved away and her mom passed, we lost touch over the years. Every now and then Sarah's sister would reach out, but that's been a long time as well now.
A few years back I stumbled on a blog Sarah was writing that she started when things were really difficult on her life.....her son had a lot of undiagnosed developmental problems for one, and also that she was diagnosed w/ breast cancer. Thankfully it was stage 0, caught extremely early, but she opted to have a double mastectomy. Given her maternal side of the family had a lot of cancer, she wrote that she figured she would get cancer at some point, but just wasn't sure when.
So after that, life continued, kids were growing, etc. and then I read last year's update....the cancer had come back, which is extremely rare. That was the point of the mastectomy, but she just happened to find a hard lump. Again. She's done surgery, radiation and chemo for the last year.
For some reason, this news hit very hard. Even though we don't stay in touch, my heart just ached for her.....she's a mother, wife, and 43. I remember back when I was going through random health issues and how fearful that made me, and to think about being diagnosed w/ something, twice. It also just made me think how much cancer freakin sucks. Took my mom. Her mom. And she's fighting it now.
Shake ups can make your perspective much clearer.
I'm thinking about my embryos. The thought won't go away, even with my attempts at distracting projects. I've seen the Dr., run some labs-which were great. I asked them about age and they said I was middle range. They have many patients mid-late 40's. Wow. I've been scouring the internet about how having 3 kids changes things. Turned over in my mind all the pros/cons.
Sometimes logic doesn't compete... It's a heart tug that some days screams pretty loud.
So, as she's getting up from where they are both sitting my son leans over and puts his head down on the armrest kind of hunched over and says, "I need to pray to Jesus".
I couldn't help but laugh out loud......he then looks at me and says, "Mommy I prayed that we have a good day". This kid can be hilarious.
We did in fact, have a good day.....something a bit miraculous. I finished up cleaning off the mantel this morning and cleaned off our tall counter in the kitchen last night. This sounds completely minor in the grand scheme of things but for me, it's pretty major. For so long I've been focused on so many other things that it just fell to the bottom of my priority list i.e. I really and truly haven't cared what's on the mantel. For example, we had our Christmas countdown calendar up there where it stayed from the year before. Now, our nanny from time to time goes through things, but in all honestly I haven't been too worried about what papers get piled up on those surfaces. So over the last few days I finally had the energy? will? motivation? to go through it all. Not really sure, but it felt so good. There is nothing better than a completely decluttered countertop.
I don't think that it's a coincidence that I have had TWO children sleeping through the night pretty much for about a month. A whole, glorious month. I'm not sure that's ever happened in 4 years. Seriously. For me, I think it's a sign that I'm coming back around. Hey, I may even get to the boxes that have been stacked against my wall for 3 years....hold on, maybe I should pace myself ;)
Something that is going on now that is not so great.....some issues at the preschool. My son has been talking about this boy Elijah since school started. He'd come home saying this boy was hitting the teacher, kicking someone, and even a few weeks ago said he spit at someone. The teacher has confirmed at least some of the stories, but of course she can't say much. So at Christmas party I mentioned this boy to his teacher and she was clearly frustrated too. She told me that I didn't hear it from her, but if I was concerned I should elevate it to the director.
So, a few weeks ago I said hey look, my son continues to share these stories, etc etc..and I'm concerned that it is affecting my son. She sent an email back saying she'd look into things and follow up. I got nada.
THEN, on Wednesday this past week as soon as nanny picked up my son nanny sent me a text saying that the boy had spit in my son's face during class. I was like hold up....what!....are you kidding me?! I was waiting for the emailed incident report to respond. I basically just said look, this kid's pattern of behavior is unacceptable. I highlighted a few weeks ago an issue, didn't hear anything back, and now my son was spit at. Something needs to be done and I will no longer allow my son to be around this child. So.....I didn't send my son on Thursday (so we all had a pajama day since my girl was exhausted and I let her stay home too) The director emailed back saying they'd discuss some things and I said just let me know when there was a plan. Haven't heard back so we'll see about Monday.
Look, I get that they have progressive discipline procedures, etc. but at the end of the day, I think repeated, nasty behavior should escalate things. And the thing is, I don't blame the child. Every event I've been to his parents don't show up and the poor kid is asking the teacher where his mom and dad are. Sigh. So sad.
Something else that is clearly not great.....when I was growing up around 4th grade I met a girl at school named Sarah. We became fast friends and her mother and my mother became besties as well. When I look back, I think her mom was definitely my mom's BMF--best mom friend. They had a lot in common and someone my mom could really trust. Fast forward a few years after meeting their family, they moved away to a neighboring town about 40 minutes away and shortly after that, Sarah's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She only lived a few years after diagnosis and died when Sarah was 14, I was 15. After they moved away and her mom passed, we lost touch over the years. Every now and then Sarah's sister would reach out, but that's been a long time as well now.
A few years back I stumbled on a blog Sarah was writing that she started when things were really difficult on her life.....her son had a lot of undiagnosed developmental problems for one, and also that she was diagnosed w/ breast cancer. Thankfully it was stage 0, caught extremely early, but she opted to have a double mastectomy. Given her maternal side of the family had a lot of cancer, she wrote that she figured she would get cancer at some point, but just wasn't sure when.
So after that, life continued, kids were growing, etc. and then I read last year's update....the cancer had come back, which is extremely rare. That was the point of the mastectomy, but she just happened to find a hard lump. Again. She's done surgery, radiation and chemo for the last year.
For some reason, this news hit very hard. Even though we don't stay in touch, my heart just ached for her.....she's a mother, wife, and 43. I remember back when I was going through random health issues and how fearful that made me, and to think about being diagnosed w/ something, twice. It also just made me think how much cancer freakin sucks. Took my mom. Her mom. And she's fighting it now.
Shake ups can make your perspective much clearer.
I'm thinking about my embryos. The thought won't go away, even with my attempts at distracting projects. I've seen the Dr., run some labs-which were great. I asked them about age and they said I was middle range. They have many patients mid-late 40's. Wow. I've been scouring the internet about how having 3 kids changes things. Turned over in my mind all the pros/cons.
Sometimes logic doesn't compete... It's a heart tug that some days screams pretty loud.
Monday, January 21, 2019
Off to a Good Start!
2018 will go in the books as one of the hardest years for me. After re-reading and reflecting on last year, yeah, it was so tough....for many reasons. And speaking of hard years, it seems that way for others as well...
Busines.s. of Bab.y Sun.flower.....not sure if you read my blog, but I have tried to comment on your last post at least 3 times as an anonymous writer but for some reason it won't accept it. I can't say for sure if it's the site not accepting or my user error. However, as soon as I read your post I was trying to send my condolences about your father. Losing someone you've feared losing your whole life is beyond devastating to the point of no words....unless you live it and feel it, you can't describe to someone what that pain/yearning for/big giant hole in your heart feels like. It just turns reality upside down and trying to find your way becomes your new normal. I am SO sorry you are going through this loss and my heart goes out to you and your family. Even though I don't comment much, I do follow your story.
I hope you see this here.
As for how things are going since the start of this year....I have to say, I think we have turned a corner here in our house.
One of the major changes is that my son LOVES his new color clock and has been sleeping through the night (mostly)!!!!! Blue means bed and he gets so excited for it to turn blue at 7:40. Our nighttime routine starts around 6:00-6:30pm for my girls bath, then after that for my son--I separate them now because it's much less stressful...at 7pm we do snack/shows. Then at 7:30pm we brush teeth, potty, book, bed, tuck in each separately then ni-night!
He's come in a few times at 2 or 4 am, but that was only a few....and also he's come in a handful of times at 6:00am-ish....I just send him back and tell him he can come in when it's yellow. I started yellow to be 6:00am, then 6:15am, and now it's 6:30am.
He usually comes in at 6:31am. Believe it or not there's even been a few times he's slept past 7am.
Now that I'm starting to come out of the fog of the 'beyond' sleep deprivation, I'm realizing how bad I really was sleeping and it's no wonder I felt like I was struggling and overwhelmed most of the time. I mean, it really was bad. I pretty much had a 4 year old newborn for all of 2018.
I can only hope this sleep pattern continues for all of us. I have to imagine he feels more rested too? I don't know why but he's been the physically exhausting kid and my girl has been the emotionally exhausting kid. Although my son's 3rd-4th year was a doozy. No sleep, a lot of tantrums for him, lots of whining and fussing....just...a lot.
The other change regarding sleep that has helped is he was finally able to function until bedtime without a nap. Taking out his nap has made it so that by 8pm he's exhausted and ready for bed. It's not like I didn't try taking out the nap a few times this past year, but his demeanor became intolerable such that it wasn't worth it, so that's why we took so long transitioning out of it.
I always wonder about those parents that say oh yes, my child's been sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old, never cries unless hungry, such as easy kid.....really???? Ok maybe they do exist but considering how tough in different ways my kids have been, perhaps I just have challenging ones. Who knows.
So the sleeping....good news, check.
Also making progress at construction house....the new crappily-installed floor was ripped out, everything has been abated, self-leveling is completed such that when you walk through you don't feel any major dips like before....and it's ready for new wood floor installation hopefully by Wednesday. Flooring has been ordered. I've met with the designer a few times and we've chosen tile for kitchen/laundry, paint for interior house, lighting for most of it, part of kitchen counters. I met my lawn guy there this past weekend and he is going to work on the trees (many of them overhang the house). I also met the framer who will install the beams in the great room. It's gonna look really great when it all comes together, but I suspect it will still take another 8 weeks at least to finish.
I finally got a new tenant at rental house. The last couple moved out end of October and of course nov and dec are the worst times to find new folks....so in January I decided I should drop price slightly and wahlah! got an application--single professional male, my age actually.
Speaking of that...I had a birthday. 44. This number has hit me differently than the other 40's numbers. For some reason, saying it just feels old. I'm sure when I'm 54 I'll look back on this and laugh at myself, but hey, it's where I am at now. It's starting to feel mid-lifey of sorts. I'm just going to keep processing through my feelings.My kids got me a purple water bottle....my girl really wanted to get me something so I hinted that I could use one. And they got me that, plus a cake and icecream. I really feel so lucky that I get to have them/nanny do birthday for me.
We started a new soccer season for both kids and have gone to 2 practices now. we. just. love. it!! The kids are doing so well and we are all having so much fun. I wasn't sure if my son would like it and/or be athletic, but he's really getting into it. He made a few blocks, is listening well to the instructor, and he's actually a fast kid! Maybe running from his sister has helped him. His class starts at 10:30-11:15 and hers is from 11:30am-12:15pm. It is outside, which I can handle only in the winter season. And this past Saturday we had super cccccold days so we bundled up in blankets, scarfs, hats, mittens, etc.. Probably this weekend we'll be back to shorts again. We all have our own fold up chairs, water bottles...and we bring snacks. My son's class has about 15 kids? and my girl's only has 5. That is great because the coach can give more individual attention to them. What I like about the program, socc.er shot.s is that they have trained coaches that teach them fundamentals, in addition to playing scrimmages. We all look forward to Saturdays and it is also helping with the weekend battles I had been having w/ my girl. Maybe coincidence, but over the last few weeks things have calmed down a bit and we've had much better, more relaxing time over the sat/sundays.
I had mentioned I was going to seek out parent therapy and I did schedule and go to a psychologist. It was only the initial appointment, but it was just.....okay. Not sure what I expected, but I was hoping for some sign that YES, this is worth the 200/hour cost. And perhaps that's part of my issue. Most psychologists in our city do not take insurance. I rationalized that I have about 900$ to use from my healthcare flex account that is use or lose, so I figured, why not this......but the concern is that once I get past 3-4 visits and build a relationship w/ this person, am I willing to spend that kind of money? I just don't think I do. I might be better off shopping for a therapist that's in network....there has to be a diamond in there somewhere, yes?
What I did learn from the visit that was helpful is 1) a few books to read on how the brain develops that might explain some behaviors and 2) I get the sense that our issues aren't that severe. I made that conclusion on my own by listening to what the psychologist was saying about 'dealing with a child that has big feelings'. When we talked through and broke down what was going on it tended to be a trigger like sickness, hunger, etc.. that preceded the tough behavior. I think what made me feel better is that I realized that this seems to be normal behavior and there are tools out there both of us can learn, but the urgency I was initially feeling has gone away some. I was debating on just going back for one more visit, or just trying someone from the network.....will see.
We are now upon preschool registration for the Fall. They do it here so early in the year. My son will be in pre-k 4 even though a month after school starts he will be 5. I was debating on whether I wanted him in school 4 or 5 days a week. They apparently have this teacher everyone raves about-Ms. Holly-but she only does 5 days a week. AND, registration starts tomorrow at 7am for current students and apparently people come the night before and early morning to sign up. That just feels nuts to me. So, I think Ill turn in our registration at 7am--well, have our nanny go over there--and see what happens.
Overall, w/ the last several weeks of sleeping more, progress at construction house, soccer, less fussies on the weekends, it has felt lighter in our house. I am praying for it to continue.
Busines.s. of Bab.y Sun.flower.....not sure if you read my blog, but I have tried to comment on your last post at least 3 times as an anonymous writer but for some reason it won't accept it. I can't say for sure if it's the site not accepting or my user error. However, as soon as I read your post I was trying to send my condolences about your father. Losing someone you've feared losing your whole life is beyond devastating to the point of no words....unless you live it and feel it, you can't describe to someone what that pain/yearning for/big giant hole in your heart feels like. It just turns reality upside down and trying to find your way becomes your new normal. I am SO sorry you are going through this loss and my heart goes out to you and your family. Even though I don't comment much, I do follow your story.
I hope you see this here.
As for how things are going since the start of this year....I have to say, I think we have turned a corner here in our house.
One of the major changes is that my son LOVES his new color clock and has been sleeping through the night (mostly)!!!!! Blue means bed and he gets so excited for it to turn blue at 7:40. Our nighttime routine starts around 6:00-6:30pm for my girls bath, then after that for my son--I separate them now because it's much less stressful...at 7pm we do snack/shows. Then at 7:30pm we brush teeth, potty, book, bed, tuck in each separately then ni-night!
He's come in a few times at 2 or 4 am, but that was only a few....and also he's come in a handful of times at 6:00am-ish....I just send him back and tell him he can come in when it's yellow. I started yellow to be 6:00am, then 6:15am, and now it's 6:30am.
He usually comes in at 6:31am. Believe it or not there's even been a few times he's slept past 7am.
Now that I'm starting to come out of the fog of the 'beyond' sleep deprivation, I'm realizing how bad I really was sleeping and it's no wonder I felt like I was struggling and overwhelmed most of the time. I mean, it really was bad. I pretty much had a 4 year old newborn for all of 2018.
I can only hope this sleep pattern continues for all of us. I have to imagine he feels more rested too? I don't know why but he's been the physically exhausting kid and my girl has been the emotionally exhausting kid. Although my son's 3rd-4th year was a doozy. No sleep, a lot of tantrums for him, lots of whining and fussing....just...a lot.
The other change regarding sleep that has helped is he was finally able to function until bedtime without a nap. Taking out his nap has made it so that by 8pm he's exhausted and ready for bed. It's not like I didn't try taking out the nap a few times this past year, but his demeanor became intolerable such that it wasn't worth it, so that's why we took so long transitioning out of it.
I always wonder about those parents that say oh yes, my child's been sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old, never cries unless hungry, such as easy kid.....really???? Ok maybe they do exist but considering how tough in different ways my kids have been, perhaps I just have challenging ones. Who knows.
So the sleeping....good news, check.
Also making progress at construction house....the new crappily-installed floor was ripped out, everything has been abated, self-leveling is completed such that when you walk through you don't feel any major dips like before....and it's ready for new wood floor installation hopefully by Wednesday. Flooring has been ordered. I've met with the designer a few times and we've chosen tile for kitchen/laundry, paint for interior house, lighting for most of it, part of kitchen counters. I met my lawn guy there this past weekend and he is going to work on the trees (many of them overhang the house). I also met the framer who will install the beams in the great room. It's gonna look really great when it all comes together, but I suspect it will still take another 8 weeks at least to finish.
I finally got a new tenant at rental house. The last couple moved out end of October and of course nov and dec are the worst times to find new folks....so in January I decided I should drop price slightly and wahlah! got an application--single professional male, my age actually.
Speaking of that...I had a birthday. 44. This number has hit me differently than the other 40's numbers. For some reason, saying it just feels old. I'm sure when I'm 54 I'll look back on this and laugh at myself, but hey, it's where I am at now. It's starting to feel mid-lifey of sorts. I'm just going to keep processing through my feelings.My kids got me a purple water bottle....my girl really wanted to get me something so I hinted that I could use one. And they got me that, plus a cake and icecream. I really feel so lucky that I get to have them/nanny do birthday for me.
 |
| My girl's finger in the frosting take 2. Same thing as last year! |
We started a new soccer season for both kids and have gone to 2 practices now. we. just. love. it!! The kids are doing so well and we are all having so much fun. I wasn't sure if my son would like it and/or be athletic, but he's really getting into it. He made a few blocks, is listening well to the instructor, and he's actually a fast kid! Maybe running from his sister has helped him. His class starts at 10:30-11:15 and hers is from 11:30am-12:15pm. It is outside, which I can handle only in the winter season. And this past Saturday we had super cccccold days so we bundled up in blankets, scarfs, hats, mittens, etc.. Probably this weekend we'll be back to shorts again. We all have our own fold up chairs, water bottles...and we bring snacks. My son's class has about 15 kids? and my girl's only has 5. That is great because the coach can give more individual attention to them. What I like about the program, socc.er shot.s is that they have trained coaches that teach them fundamentals, in addition to playing scrimmages. We all look forward to Saturdays and it is also helping with the weekend battles I had been having w/ my girl. Maybe coincidence, but over the last few weeks things have calmed down a bit and we've had much better, more relaxing time over the sat/sundays.
I had mentioned I was going to seek out parent therapy and I did schedule and go to a psychologist. It was only the initial appointment, but it was just.....okay. Not sure what I expected, but I was hoping for some sign that YES, this is worth the 200/hour cost. And perhaps that's part of my issue. Most psychologists in our city do not take insurance. I rationalized that I have about 900$ to use from my healthcare flex account that is use or lose, so I figured, why not this......but the concern is that once I get past 3-4 visits and build a relationship w/ this person, am I willing to spend that kind of money? I just don't think I do. I might be better off shopping for a therapist that's in network....there has to be a diamond in there somewhere, yes?
What I did learn from the visit that was helpful is 1) a few books to read on how the brain develops that might explain some behaviors and 2) I get the sense that our issues aren't that severe. I made that conclusion on my own by listening to what the psychologist was saying about 'dealing with a child that has big feelings'. When we talked through and broke down what was going on it tended to be a trigger like sickness, hunger, etc.. that preceded the tough behavior. I think what made me feel better is that I realized that this seems to be normal behavior and there are tools out there both of us can learn, but the urgency I was initially feeling has gone away some. I was debating on just going back for one more visit, or just trying someone from the network.....will see.
We are now upon preschool registration for the Fall. They do it here so early in the year. My son will be in pre-k 4 even though a month after school starts he will be 5. I was debating on whether I wanted him in school 4 or 5 days a week. They apparently have this teacher everyone raves about-Ms. Holly-but she only does 5 days a week. AND, registration starts tomorrow at 7am for current students and apparently people come the night before and early morning to sign up. That just feels nuts to me. So, I think Ill turn in our registration at 7am--well, have our nanny go over there--and see what happens.
Overall, w/ the last several weeks of sleeping more, progress at construction house, soccer, less fussies on the weekends, it has felt lighter in our house. I am praying for it to continue.
Monday, December 31, 2018
December 31, 2018
It's new year's eve. I am sitting in my front dining room just listening to the fireworks outside for the last hour, with a few more hours to go until midnight. I just got done re-reading all of my posts from 2018. I like to revisit what happened this year to help me gather my thoughts and reflect. I did notice the downward trend in number of posts since starting this blog, with this year being the least. Certainly not from lack of wanting to.
One thing I wanted to do was at least mention my son's birthday from back in October! He turned 4. We had a very small get together like usual and it really is just all we need. He's not really into big events and lots of presents, so I like that they are both happy to just be at home.
My son is such a sweet, sweet boy. He is a natural care-taker. He is always offering up his food, or treat, or toys to share. Just earlier this evening I sat down on the couch and he popped up off the floor and came and put a blanket on me. For a four year old it's amazing how much he thinks of others. It makes you want to scoop him up and squeeze him! Now, of course at 4 he's testing boundaries, etc..and doesn't always behave...but overall, he really is a loving kid. I still hear 'I love you' at least 5 times a day. Heart melt. He still runs to the door when I come home and flings himself into my legs. His giggle/laugh is infectious and so is his smile. Considering the fact that the kid hasn't slept well most of this year, he makes up for it in charm. We have finally gotten over the hump of the: to nap or not to nap....and he's finally made the transition to rest time, instead of nap. It was just causing him to stay up way too late and not sleep well. I also got him a toddler clock for christmas with colors, where it is blue during bed/sleep time and it turns yellow when he can get up. Can I just tell you he has stayed in his bed all night since December 26th and is SO excited to come out when it's yellow?! I started with 6:00am yellow because I wanted to be sure he woke up to see it, but my goal is to slowly move it to 6:30am. If he can stay in his bed all night and sleep until 6:30am.....I think we will all be better rested for it. So far so good and I really really hope he continues to love it.
My girl......
I think by process of elimination we figured out that what was probably causing her persistent fatigue for many months into this year: growing!! When we had her in for her 6 year old physical the Dr. noted that she grew 3 inches in one year....she said that normally kids grow around 2, so that definitely could have been the underlying reason for how tired she was all the time. During the summer she did get better, but now she is back to being pretty tired....so I am hoping it is growing again, combined with all day school for first grade. That, and the fact that she and my son have been on/off sick w/ respiratory virus/colds/pink eye, etc.. since October.
As I've mentioned in earlier posts, it's been tough with her these past several months. I am feeling much like I did when she was three in that weekends are when she 'let's it out' and it can be exhausting. It really seems like every Saturday I can plan for a few meltdowns, arguments, she yells at her brother, resistance to most everything. I did look into parent therapy for me in figuring out how to best parent her when emotions run high and I think I'll try it.
She is definitely becoming more of a 'big kid' and less like a little girl. She is only 6 but I think that's what is so challenging, she is very intelligent, and thinks of herself not as a little kid.
She's lost two teeth on the bottom and another one is about ready to come out on the top. She really is growing taller....her legs have really stretched this year! She calls herself a nature girl and loves everything science and nature. I did submit the checklist of the talented and gifted program so we will see if she gets testing early next year. She learned just a few weeks ago how to ride her bike with NO training wheels.
During her parent teacher conference this first half of 1st grade, Mrs. Mcdonald said that she is a delight and such a joy to have in class....she is such a good student and very thoughtful to others. She also does really well in her schoolwork. She's such a rule follower at school and its funny, because of course not all kids are....she comes home and will tell me how Ashton doesn't do his work and can I believe that!! In her mind it's just crazy that someone wouldn't do it. I love that about her. Her fierce sense of right and wrong. Now her teacher....meh. Maybe my expectations are too high. I only asked a few questions about how they teach math these days because my girl likes to practice math at bedtime and the teacher discouraged that and said if kids want to learn more in math a tutor is a good way to go. Yeah....no.
One of my favorite parts of the day with her is after I put my son to bed I go in and it's her turn. I kneel next to her bed and we talk about whatever she wants to talk about, or she asks to play games (which is doing a color game, or even division, multiplication- she asks me to quiz her!) Then when it's time to settle in we hold hands....then I say it's time to give kiss hug. I kiss her on the forehead or cheek and lean in to hug her. And she whole heartedly hugs me back and says 'I love you mom'. I know she really means it.
One of her cool inventions: She named it: The CAT-ANATOR 5000
Bunny habitat, complete with a sky, grass, and a piece of plastic lettuce.
SUMMARY OF 2018:
Yes, this year was a tough one. It really was. Looking back.....we had a lot of sickness with both kids, my son broke his leg, and no sleep for most of the year......work was tough, the construction house was tough. But, through all of those hard, tough days......we also had a lot of moments of cool family time and make-my-heart-melt times. I love my kids dearly and yes, parenting is hard. Dang hard at times.
JANUARY: First snow day in many years down south!
MARCH: We made this for the finish line of our dog obstacle course we made in the backyard. Of course we were the dogs and had races.
MAY: Kinder Graduation--throwing her hat up high!
JUNE: We celebrated Fathers' Day for our cat....he got two new 'children' and my girl wrote him a card: "Happy Foovrs Bay"!
AUGUST: First tooth lost and First day of school!
NOVEMBER: Family photos; Thanksgiving trip to New Orleans
DECEMBER: Christmas Eve Candlelight service.....melt. Heart.
One thing I wanted to do was at least mention my son's birthday from back in October! He turned 4. We had a very small get together like usual and it really is just all we need. He's not really into big events and lots of presents, so I like that they are both happy to just be at home.
My son is such a sweet, sweet boy. He is a natural care-taker. He is always offering up his food, or treat, or toys to share. Just earlier this evening I sat down on the couch and he popped up off the floor and came and put a blanket on me. For a four year old it's amazing how much he thinks of others. It makes you want to scoop him up and squeeze him! Now, of course at 4 he's testing boundaries, etc..and doesn't always behave...but overall, he really is a loving kid. I still hear 'I love you' at least 5 times a day. Heart melt. He still runs to the door when I come home and flings himself into my legs. His giggle/laugh is infectious and so is his smile. Considering the fact that the kid hasn't slept well most of this year, he makes up for it in charm. We have finally gotten over the hump of the: to nap or not to nap....and he's finally made the transition to rest time, instead of nap. It was just causing him to stay up way too late and not sleep well. I also got him a toddler clock for christmas with colors, where it is blue during bed/sleep time and it turns yellow when he can get up. Can I just tell you he has stayed in his bed all night since December 26th and is SO excited to come out when it's yellow?! I started with 6:00am yellow because I wanted to be sure he woke up to see it, but my goal is to slowly move it to 6:30am. If he can stay in his bed all night and sleep until 6:30am.....I think we will all be better rested for it. So far so good and I really really hope he continues to love it.
 |
| Awwwww, my sweet boy. |
 |
| Such a big boy now ;) |
My girl......
I think by process of elimination we figured out that what was probably causing her persistent fatigue for many months into this year: growing!! When we had her in for her 6 year old physical the Dr. noted that she grew 3 inches in one year....she said that normally kids grow around 2, so that definitely could have been the underlying reason for how tired she was all the time. During the summer she did get better, but now she is back to being pretty tired....so I am hoping it is growing again, combined with all day school for first grade. That, and the fact that she and my son have been on/off sick w/ respiratory virus/colds/pink eye, etc.. since October.
As I've mentioned in earlier posts, it's been tough with her these past several months. I am feeling much like I did when she was three in that weekends are when she 'let's it out' and it can be exhausting. It really seems like every Saturday I can plan for a few meltdowns, arguments, she yells at her brother, resistance to most everything. I did look into parent therapy for me in figuring out how to best parent her when emotions run high and I think I'll try it.
She is definitely becoming more of a 'big kid' and less like a little girl. She is only 6 but I think that's what is so challenging, she is very intelligent, and thinks of herself not as a little kid.
She's lost two teeth on the bottom and another one is about ready to come out on the top. She really is growing taller....her legs have really stretched this year! She calls herself a nature girl and loves everything science and nature. I did submit the checklist of the talented and gifted program so we will see if she gets testing early next year. She learned just a few weeks ago how to ride her bike with NO training wheels.
During her parent teacher conference this first half of 1st grade, Mrs. Mcdonald said that she is a delight and such a joy to have in class....she is such a good student and very thoughtful to others. She also does really well in her schoolwork. She's such a rule follower at school and its funny, because of course not all kids are....she comes home and will tell me how Ashton doesn't do his work and can I believe that!! In her mind it's just crazy that someone wouldn't do it. I love that about her. Her fierce sense of right and wrong. Now her teacher....meh. Maybe my expectations are too high. I only asked a few questions about how they teach math these days because my girl likes to practice math at bedtime and the teacher discouraged that and said if kids want to learn more in math a tutor is a good way to go. Yeah....no.
One of my favorite parts of the day with her is after I put my son to bed I go in and it's her turn. I kneel next to her bed and we talk about whatever she wants to talk about, or she asks to play games (which is doing a color game, or even division, multiplication- she asks me to quiz her!) Then when it's time to settle in we hold hands....then I say it's time to give kiss hug. I kiss her on the forehead or cheek and lean in to hug her. And she whole heartedly hugs me back and says 'I love you mom'. I know she really means it.
One of her cool inventions: She named it: The CAT-ANATOR 5000
"Cunshrunshins" (instructions) for her science experiment where she needed "ingrediens", "cemacls", and "gere". I thought this was so awesome!!
Bunny habitat, complete with a sky, grass, and a piece of plastic lettuce.
SUMMARY OF 2018:
Yes, this year was a tough one. It really was. Looking back.....we had a lot of sickness with both kids, my son broke his leg, and no sleep for most of the year......work was tough, the construction house was tough. But, through all of those hard, tough days......we also had a lot of moments of cool family time and make-my-heart-melt times. I love my kids dearly and yes, parenting is hard. Dang hard at times.
JANUARY: First snow day in many years down south!
MARCH: We made this for the finish line of our dog obstacle course we made in the backyard. Of course we were the dogs and had races.
APRIL: Sidewalk paint turned into...well,you get the picture.....and looking out the window to see our family bikes lines up.
MAY: Kinder Graduation--throwing her hat up high!
JUNE: We celebrated Fathers' Day for our cat....he got two new 'children' and my girl wrote him a card: "Happy Foovrs Bay"!
AUGUST: First tooth lost and First day of school!
I am looking forward to 2019 and with it....some more sleep!!
Monday, December 3, 2018
And so it goes....
A few good things: I tried to see if I would like a fake tree this year as my girl thought we should 'save the environment' and not cut down any trees....jury is still out. I think I would like it more if I hadn't gotten such a tall one at 9ft. I have high ceilings, but man is this thing big. My sister's throat issue is a minor cyst, no scary things in there, so that is good. I went back to work last Mon/Tue and it wasn't the greatest, so the work nurse suggested phase back in so I worked 3-6 hours rest of last week and will this week too. It's in the good news category because it gives me additional time just to breathe and rest. Nothing is going to fix years of sleep deprivation overnight, but if I can just have a release valve for now, it's better than chugging through and feeling overwhelmed most of the time.
In the eh, could be better....lots to deal w/ at the construction house. The tile guy decided to get an attorney and threaten to sue me if I didn't pay him thousands of dollars. Gimme a break he didn't finish multiple areas of his work. So, I got an attorney myself. We are negotiating now and I hope we can just reach a settlement because I just want to move on. Will see.
Asbestos--after doing some floor testing we found out that the back of the orange vinyl in the main living area had asbestos. Since my contractor didn't think he could demo out what the new floor guy did without disturbing the orange floor, I called 3 abatement folks as referrals from the testing place and one guy stood out--awesome to work with, been doing this for 30 years. He came in and once I told him the vinyl was 'hot' (industry term), he was surprised to hear the adhesive underneath it or 'mastic' was not. I told him that I was the one who got the sample piece and he suggested maybe having guy come and re-test. I also showed him the kitchen and some concerning areas (not originally tested) and he said it's best to just do it. SO, the tester guy came back out last week and sure enough, there was asbestos in the kitchen underneath some tile they laid. It was showing as heavy asbestos content approx. 80%. In addition, the main living area that didn't initially test 'hot' in the adhesive did a second time. I'm not surprised as the abatement guy said it likely would have.
Basically all that is seen in second picture (kitchen where window is opening up to main living area) is getting abated today and tomorrow to the tune of $3500. Ugh.
However, it was totally the right thing to do. It will be done professionally and the air quality will be checked in the containment area as well as outside of it (due to checking for anything that could have been an issue when they first demo'd). It still makes me worried that demo work was done on materials that contained asbestos, but it was done. I actually didn't know the new contractor was going to try and get up the orange, thankfully I stopped him after he only did small area. And, it didn't even cross my mind to think about asbestos in the kitchen underneath the ceramic tile that was there.
The worst part about it is that my kids have been in/out through the construction process. I said this to the tester guy who has seen a lot of this and said that it had 'minimal risk'. Still......
I also just sent an email to my contractor that quit who said he would repay me $2,000 but has yet to fulfill that.....that he has one week to make payment, if not I will reach out to my attorney--and yes, I do have 'my' attorney now due to handling issue w/ tile guy. I told old contractor that I suspected he could pay what is owed now, or it will be much more than that if attorney involved.
Oy. Vey.
One other thing that I've struggled w/ lately is parenting. Clearly I am under a lot of stress and trying to manage the best I can. However, my girl, who is 6....going on 16....has been in battle mode. It seems for most everything. The worst of the behavior is I find her hollering at her brother all. day. long. Granted she has been sick for weeks and is probably exhausted in general, but I just won't tolerate her lashing out at her brother. Poor kid--my son walks around saying...."she's an-gray"...but as soon as she hears him she screeches out, " I am NOOOOT!".
I have told him several times that yelling is not okay, he doesn't deserve it, he's doing just fine, etc.. but I worry that her behavior is impacting him. I know for sure he is picking up her bad habits of:
obsession with saying 'punch' or 'punching' and play 'punching' all the time
when I ask to do something...it's No. No. No. No. No. Just repeated over and over again.
saying words like poopy and peepee, etc. at inappropriate times and thinking it's funny
wrestling more
yelling more at each other
Yesterday was a rough day. The minute the nanny left, my girl was in rare form and it was rough the rest of the day. I actually broke down in tears at one point because I just felt like I was not getting through and I was playing referee most of the day. Mostly trying to keep my girl from lashing out at her brother or me.
I will admit I looked at therapy or counseling for me and/or her to understand more how to deal with this kind of behavior. The outbursts and other behaviors are disrupting our household. I found a few therapists websites, that don't take insurance of course....but, I also re-read material on parenting highly 'spirited' kids and there doesn't seem to be a doubt that she is one of those. Feels feelings pretty intensely, can switch moods quickly, parenting them is exhausting and can suck you dry, she is intelligent, has a fierce sense of right and wrong and fairness (boy do I hear this one a lot....it's not fair!)....will negotiate everything, bossy, etc..
I'm finding that timeouts aren't working and I don't want to leave her alone with those big feelings trying to work through them, but I don't know how to deal with all of it in the moment.
I wont tolerate disrespect and rudeness.....but I also need to make sure she knows I'm not 'picking on her' in a way by constantly telling her she shouldn't be doing X, Y, or Z.
I felt a bit better after reading some more materials and researching that hey, there are other kids like this, and yes they are hard to parent, exhausting, you will doubt yourself, etc....but on the bright side, I care enough to want to do the best I can with her. In addition, they say these types of kids are natural born leaders, resist peer pressure, etc.. so that is something. I don't want to pigeon hole her into a label, I worry about that some, but I do need some more tools w/ how to work through these challenging situations.
In fact, part of me wasn't planning to write all of this because it just feels so personal and perhaps my mama bear is coming out that I don't want anyone judge her or me.
She is an amazing kid and yeah, hard to parent.
I suppose if I feel differently in the morning, I can come back and edit.
I still want to put a few pictures of my son's birthday...back from October!
In the eh, could be better....lots to deal w/ at the construction house. The tile guy decided to get an attorney and threaten to sue me if I didn't pay him thousands of dollars. Gimme a break he didn't finish multiple areas of his work. So, I got an attorney myself. We are negotiating now and I hope we can just reach a settlement because I just want to move on. Will see.
Asbestos--after doing some floor testing we found out that the back of the orange vinyl in the main living area had asbestos. Since my contractor didn't think he could demo out what the new floor guy did without disturbing the orange floor, I called 3 abatement folks as referrals from the testing place and one guy stood out--awesome to work with, been doing this for 30 years. He came in and once I told him the vinyl was 'hot' (industry term), he was surprised to hear the adhesive underneath it or 'mastic' was not. I told him that I was the one who got the sample piece and he suggested maybe having guy come and re-test. I also showed him the kitchen and some concerning areas (not originally tested) and he said it's best to just do it. SO, the tester guy came back out last week and sure enough, there was asbestos in the kitchen underneath some tile they laid. It was showing as heavy asbestos content approx. 80%. In addition, the main living area that didn't initially test 'hot' in the adhesive did a second time. I'm not surprised as the abatement guy said it likely would have.
 |
| Old Orange Vinyl |
 |
| Similar view, a bit farther back. You can see the counter and wall are now gone. This pic was taken way before floor guy got ahold of it and added many layers on top of that orange that has already been torn back out. |
Basically all that is seen in second picture (kitchen where window is opening up to main living area) is getting abated today and tomorrow to the tune of $3500. Ugh.
However, it was totally the right thing to do. It will be done professionally and the air quality will be checked in the containment area as well as outside of it (due to checking for anything that could have been an issue when they first demo'd). It still makes me worried that demo work was done on materials that contained asbestos, but it was done. I actually didn't know the new contractor was going to try and get up the orange, thankfully I stopped him after he only did small area. And, it didn't even cross my mind to think about asbestos in the kitchen underneath the ceramic tile that was there.
The worst part about it is that my kids have been in/out through the construction process. I said this to the tester guy who has seen a lot of this and said that it had 'minimal risk'. Still......
I also just sent an email to my contractor that quit who said he would repay me $2,000 but has yet to fulfill that.....that he has one week to make payment, if not I will reach out to my attorney--and yes, I do have 'my' attorney now due to handling issue w/ tile guy. I told old contractor that I suspected he could pay what is owed now, or it will be much more than that if attorney involved.
Oy. Vey.
One other thing that I've struggled w/ lately is parenting. Clearly I am under a lot of stress and trying to manage the best I can. However, my girl, who is 6....going on 16....has been in battle mode. It seems for most everything. The worst of the behavior is I find her hollering at her brother all. day. long. Granted she has been sick for weeks and is probably exhausted in general, but I just won't tolerate her lashing out at her brother. Poor kid--my son walks around saying...."she's an-gray"...but as soon as she hears him she screeches out, " I am NOOOOT!".
I have told him several times that yelling is not okay, he doesn't deserve it, he's doing just fine, etc.. but I worry that her behavior is impacting him. I know for sure he is picking up her bad habits of:
obsession with saying 'punch' or 'punching' and play 'punching' all the time
when I ask to do something...it's No. No. No. No. No. Just repeated over and over again.
saying words like poopy and peepee, etc. at inappropriate times and thinking it's funny
wrestling more
yelling more at each other
Yesterday was a rough day. The minute the nanny left, my girl was in rare form and it was rough the rest of the day. I actually broke down in tears at one point because I just felt like I was not getting through and I was playing referee most of the day. Mostly trying to keep my girl from lashing out at her brother or me.
I will admit I looked at therapy or counseling for me and/or her to understand more how to deal with this kind of behavior. The outbursts and other behaviors are disrupting our household. I found a few therapists websites, that don't take insurance of course....but, I also re-read material on parenting highly 'spirited' kids and there doesn't seem to be a doubt that she is one of those. Feels feelings pretty intensely, can switch moods quickly, parenting them is exhausting and can suck you dry, she is intelligent, has a fierce sense of right and wrong and fairness (boy do I hear this one a lot....it's not fair!)....will negotiate everything, bossy, etc..
I'm finding that timeouts aren't working and I don't want to leave her alone with those big feelings trying to work through them, but I don't know how to deal with all of it in the moment.
I wont tolerate disrespect and rudeness.....but I also need to make sure she knows I'm not 'picking on her' in a way by constantly telling her she shouldn't be doing X, Y, or Z.
I felt a bit better after reading some more materials and researching that hey, there are other kids like this, and yes they are hard to parent, exhausting, you will doubt yourself, etc....but on the bright side, I care enough to want to do the best I can with her. In addition, they say these types of kids are natural born leaders, resist peer pressure, etc.. so that is something. I don't want to pigeon hole her into a label, I worry about that some, but I do need some more tools w/ how to work through these challenging situations.
In fact, part of me wasn't planning to write all of this because it just feels so personal and perhaps my mama bear is coming out that I don't want anyone judge her or me.
She is an amazing kid and yeah, hard to parent.
I suppose if I feel differently in the morning, I can come back and edit.
I still want to put a few pictures of my son's birthday...back from October!
Friday, November 9, 2018
Raining
The old saying hard things come in three's? Well, I think I went beyond that. Once again I haven't written in a month.....with good reason.
Let's start off with construction house because that's sort of the start of the madness at beginning of October. Well, my general contractor Darwin just up and quit. I've known him for 5 years but it was a risk having him run the project from the beginning. The house was a total redo from studs on up, but since we had a mentor-type guy Marc who did this for a living (Darwin used to work for him actually) and had his crews, etc. and would help both of us, I thought it would be worth trying. This was his first project general contracting and I think it got to a point that he decided it was just too big and too stressful. He was trying to manage people who he worked next to before and let's just say the subcontractors cut corners where they could. The other thing is he didn't make my project his priority. He kept trying to work too many other places (ironically he spent most of his time working a job for Marc--I'm not super happy about that, but no matter how much pressure I put on Darwin to be at house, follow up, the phone calls, etc.. it just wasn't working). He knew it and I knew it.
So, once he quit I had a minor meltdown because I couldn't fathom running the project--we were months behind schedule, working full time, and taking care of my kids. Even though we were pretty far down the road, there are many things left to be done. So, I finally decided I had to bring in someone new, so I reached out to a guy that was a subcontractor 3 years ago for the house I'm living in now--Jacob. He's still working for the same guy who did my house, but does work on the side. I brought him over to show him the house and in a way, it was probably a good thing because that's when things started to unravel.
The biggest issue I noticed over a month ago was the flooring. I noticed the floor sloping noticeably in the hallway to the bedrooms. The house is on slab and I got the foundation fixed first thing, so why would the floor be sloping? I had mentioned it to Darwin a few times and he said nah...it's fine.
Well....Jacob told me pretty quickly the flooring was not installed right. The way the flooring guy tried to level it out was not correct, it was uneven everywhere, and very bad in places. Since the flooring guy only speaks Spanish we had him come to the house and talk to Jacob. Flooring guy was pointing finger at old contractor Darwin because he said he told Darwin the floor wasn't level but that Darwin said it was fine and to keep going. Then when Jacob started pressing him on how he tried to level the floor and why he did it that way, he kept talking in circles. No ownership at all for the crap floor he laid down. Interesting fact: he works for a guy in one of mentor Marc's crew.
What came out of that, though, was that Jacob and I decided to get the foundation checked again because regardless of how bad the floor was, the foundation shouldn't have been that far off. When we brought that guy out, he was in the house for five seconds and said "gee I can see the house is off at least two inches down the hallway....there must be a sewer pipe leak". Ummmm.....no there isn't. Then when Jacob pressed him on why he didn't measure before deciding on where to put pilings, etc. and why there was so much off in the house, the guy started to get frustrated, stomping around a bit, raising his voice, getting somewhat aggressive in how we was responding...basically he knew he couldn't bluff my contractor. The guy left in a huff and said he'd be back with his measuring gear. Well, considering the crap job he did, I had no intention of having him do any more work at the house. Ironically, he did come back that day and after he 'measured' he said the foundation was fine, it was all the floor. C'mon... Interesting fact: he was recommended by Marc.
So, now I learned that not only the flooring guy screwed up the floor, but the foundation wasn't fixed right to begin with. That guy lifted the back of the house where he shouldn't have--now it's 2" higher than the rest and he didn't address the interior hallway where it needed it the most.
A second, very reputable foundation company had given me a bid at the very beginning ( I had actually used them on another house), but they were scheduling two months out. So, rather than wait for them at the time, I didn't think I could wait that long, so I didn't use them....hindsight right.
Also, .....Jacob said the cabinet guy's cabinets were crap. Actually, Darwin had told me the same thing only AFTER I had agreed to use him. However, this could also be a matter of opinion because I have found that no matter what craft it is, if they didn't do it, it's not right and someone else did a crap job. Interesting fact: cabinet guy is Marc's guy.
And.....the tile guy said he sent me an invoice after I made some changes, said I agreed......which I hadn't. I expected the changes I made to be about 1k....he sent me a bill for 2500. What the crap. We actually got into a pretty heated argument on the phone when I was at work one day because he added things in there we never talked about. He claimed I saw the invoice and agreed. I absolutely had not. And his wife was calling me over and over to pay this bill, which of course I wasn't going to pay the whole thing. Interesting fact: Tile guy is Marc's guy.
So, you see.......things sort of fell apart at construction house. I mentioned that these were all of mentor Marc's people, however in totality, they have all just sucked. Of course I'm like, how could this have gone so wrong if these are the same people he uses too?.....And I think it boils down simply to this--they weren't being managed by an invested general contractor and basically cut corners where they could. I can hear my realtor friend now telling me ' I told you so'......she said from the very beginning this project was too big for Darwin, but based on Marc's guidance and my thought that he could handle it....that's what I went with.
So now what? The biggest thing has been getting all the facts about what we are dealing with now, then trying to decide what to do and how to fix.
Step 1:
I ended up deciding with Jacob that we needed to rip out the wood floor that was just installed--everywhere. I couldn't in good conscience leave it knowing how poorly it was installed and that it would no doubt give me problems/buckle down the road. We had talked about leaving it in the areas we won't need to redo the foundation inside, however I just wasn't okay leaving a craptastic floor in there. Some others might have decided to salvage what they could because the route I took just cost me 19k I won't see again. Yup folks, 10k for the wood and 9k for the labor and other materials. Thank goodness he wasn't paid for it all.
Now that the new floor has been demo'd out a new issue surfaced....there was old orange vinyl flooring and I checked w/ floor lady I've worked with if there was any worry of asbestos...she said no to vinyl, however back in the day they also used asbestos in adhesive. So, because of the blackish color left, she thinks it might be good to test the adhesive. Sigh.
Step 2:
Use reputable company to come and fix foundation. I talked to reputable guy a few times and he was back out to measure after the new floor was taken out. He said he recommend to leave what other guy did alone...and he'll come in and do what he said at beginning which is to come inside and put 9 additional pilings. He said he could do the front part of house also, but knowing what we've gone through thus far he said that can wait and it may not need it.
The foundation issue boiled down to putting trust in the wrong company. The guy who actually did the work had said I shouldn't let anyone talk me into putting interior pilings in, will create further issue, etc etc.....and reputable guy ironically said that a lot of other foundation outfits will say not to do interior work because it's just that--a lot of work and not as easy and quick money as the exterior ones. Reputable guy also pointed out that other guy showed an exterior piling on the graph that was paid for that was never installed. Sigh.
Step 3:
I need help picking out all the interior finishes. It's been stressing me out and I've looked at 4 different granite/quartz places. I've got a referral for a designer, and no, not from Marc....who I talked to last week. He's expensive, but honestly if it helps me to knock this out and only have to paint once because I chose the right color, then hoorah.
Now.....if you made it this far through construction house woes....cool. But that is just part of the story. In addition to dealing with all of that above, the following has also been happening over last several weeks:
1) My AC at my current house stopped working. Just stopped.
2) My 3 year old refrigerator at my current house just stopped cooling. Just stopped.
3) My kids have been sick for about 3 weeks now and just yesterday my son went to the Dr. and was diagnosed w/ pink eye.
4) My son hasn't been sleeping well in months and over the last few sick weeks it's been beyond. Up every hour to two hours all night. I hear him calling out to me and coughing now. Hang on....
5) Two weeks ago my back just gave out. I could hardly move for days until I went to see chiro I haven't seen in over 3 years. He said I was having muscle spasms that was locking up my back.
5) My sister texted me this week to say that she has a growth on her throat and she was at Dr. getting it scanned. What? After that they said she had to also do an ultrasound which they found it had something there they needed to biopsy so will wait for those results next week.
6) I was asked to post on some jobs at work with deadlines now. Probably I'll say thanks but no thanks.
Friends....I have hit a wall. I've been limping along by working from home a few days a week, but this week I didn't work at all tue and wed and worked from home yesterday. I haven't slept well in months and barely at all in the last 2 weeks. Before I had a hard time staying asleep, now it's progressed into having a hard time falling asleep to begin with. I've been just trying to hang in there, but man has it been tough.
I was talking to my co-worker yesterday and she basically shook some sense into me. She's like look, you need to go to the Dr. yourself. Maybe you need a sleep rx, maybe you need a break from work.....you aren't functioning and it's getting worse. And you know what? She was totally right. I've been so focused on just going from thing to thing and trying to manage it all that I haven't stepped back to say hang on, what do I need here.
So, I made an appointment for my Dr. today and he basically said I have sleep deprivation. He doesn't want to adjust anything--I need to get some time with some actual, non-broken sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours w/out waking up from my son, myself, or my cat--I'm just not able to recuperate. I actually thought back today that how I feel now is so much like when my girl started pre-k3 with all her sicknesses and I had a one year old who didn't sleep then either. At the time I went on an intermittent leave at work for a few months...which really wasn't 'leave' because I still went to work, it was just maybe at 9 or 10am instead of 8.
Well this time I said doc, I've never asked this before (I've known him for over 10 years), but I just can't. I just need to have something lifted off and I think I need a break from work...like just a week or something. The thing that is so crazy.....I felt guilty/bad about asking. And why, right? Considering the load I am carrying and trying to do it without sleep, how can I be expected to manage?! But that little voice just says I should. That was all internal because he basically said he was totally supportive of what made sense. He suggested why not say off for the next two weeks and see him in the middle, and plan to return to work after that.
I agreed.
So, that's what I am going to do. And you know, as soon as we made that decision I could literally feel the weight easing off of my chest.....I could breathe deeper, I felt somewhat lighter.
It was SO the right call and I am so thankful for that conversation with my coworker. I was already in the process of getting old nanny here this weekend, but while that would help, that was only for a few days. I can't just take a nap and fix all this.
After writing this I'm going to send a note to my boss and let her know I'll get the paperwork to the right person here in the U.S. and I won't be logging in. Well, I have email on my phone so I'm sure I'll still be checking it, but to be mostly unplugged.......yes.
I didn't want to write this tough note and also talk about my son turning 4 last month so I will save that for another post.
Here's to things getting better over next few weeks.....
Let's start off with construction house because that's sort of the start of the madness at beginning of October. Well, my general contractor Darwin just up and quit. I've known him for 5 years but it was a risk having him run the project from the beginning. The house was a total redo from studs on up, but since we had a mentor-type guy Marc who did this for a living (Darwin used to work for him actually) and had his crews, etc. and would help both of us, I thought it would be worth trying. This was his first project general contracting and I think it got to a point that he decided it was just too big and too stressful. He was trying to manage people who he worked next to before and let's just say the subcontractors cut corners where they could. The other thing is he didn't make my project his priority. He kept trying to work too many other places (ironically he spent most of his time working a job for Marc--I'm not super happy about that, but no matter how much pressure I put on Darwin to be at house, follow up, the phone calls, etc.. it just wasn't working). He knew it and I knew it.
So, once he quit I had a minor meltdown because I couldn't fathom running the project--we were months behind schedule, working full time, and taking care of my kids. Even though we were pretty far down the road, there are many things left to be done. So, I finally decided I had to bring in someone new, so I reached out to a guy that was a subcontractor 3 years ago for the house I'm living in now--Jacob. He's still working for the same guy who did my house, but does work on the side. I brought him over to show him the house and in a way, it was probably a good thing because that's when things started to unravel.
The biggest issue I noticed over a month ago was the flooring. I noticed the floor sloping noticeably in the hallway to the bedrooms. The house is on slab and I got the foundation fixed first thing, so why would the floor be sloping? I had mentioned it to Darwin a few times and he said nah...it's fine.
Well....Jacob told me pretty quickly the flooring was not installed right. The way the flooring guy tried to level it out was not correct, it was uneven everywhere, and very bad in places. Since the flooring guy only speaks Spanish we had him come to the house and talk to Jacob. Flooring guy was pointing finger at old contractor Darwin because he said he told Darwin the floor wasn't level but that Darwin said it was fine and to keep going. Then when Jacob started pressing him on how he tried to level the floor and why he did it that way, he kept talking in circles. No ownership at all for the crap floor he laid down. Interesting fact: he works for a guy in one of mentor Marc's crew.
What came out of that, though, was that Jacob and I decided to get the foundation checked again because regardless of how bad the floor was, the foundation shouldn't have been that far off. When we brought that guy out, he was in the house for five seconds and said "gee I can see the house is off at least two inches down the hallway....there must be a sewer pipe leak". Ummmm.....no there isn't. Then when Jacob pressed him on why he didn't measure before deciding on where to put pilings, etc. and why there was so much off in the house, the guy started to get frustrated, stomping around a bit, raising his voice, getting somewhat aggressive in how we was responding...basically he knew he couldn't bluff my contractor. The guy left in a huff and said he'd be back with his measuring gear. Well, considering the crap job he did, I had no intention of having him do any more work at the house. Ironically, he did come back that day and after he 'measured' he said the foundation was fine, it was all the floor. C'mon... Interesting fact: he was recommended by Marc.
So, now I learned that not only the flooring guy screwed up the floor, but the foundation wasn't fixed right to begin with. That guy lifted the back of the house where he shouldn't have--now it's 2" higher than the rest and he didn't address the interior hallway where it needed it the most.
A second, very reputable foundation company had given me a bid at the very beginning ( I had actually used them on another house), but they were scheduling two months out. So, rather than wait for them at the time, I didn't think I could wait that long, so I didn't use them....hindsight right.
Also, .....Jacob said the cabinet guy's cabinets were crap. Actually, Darwin had told me the same thing only AFTER I had agreed to use him. However, this could also be a matter of opinion because I have found that no matter what craft it is, if they didn't do it, it's not right and someone else did a crap job. Interesting fact: cabinet guy is Marc's guy.
And.....the tile guy said he sent me an invoice after I made some changes, said I agreed......which I hadn't. I expected the changes I made to be about 1k....he sent me a bill for 2500. What the crap. We actually got into a pretty heated argument on the phone when I was at work one day because he added things in there we never talked about. He claimed I saw the invoice and agreed. I absolutely had not. And his wife was calling me over and over to pay this bill, which of course I wasn't going to pay the whole thing. Interesting fact: Tile guy is Marc's guy.
So, you see.......things sort of fell apart at construction house. I mentioned that these were all of mentor Marc's people, however in totality, they have all just sucked. Of course I'm like, how could this have gone so wrong if these are the same people he uses too?.....And I think it boils down simply to this--they weren't being managed by an invested general contractor and basically cut corners where they could. I can hear my realtor friend now telling me ' I told you so'......she said from the very beginning this project was too big for Darwin, but based on Marc's guidance and my thought that he could handle it....that's what I went with.
So now what? The biggest thing has been getting all the facts about what we are dealing with now, then trying to decide what to do and how to fix.
Step 1:
I ended up deciding with Jacob that we needed to rip out the wood floor that was just installed--everywhere. I couldn't in good conscience leave it knowing how poorly it was installed and that it would no doubt give me problems/buckle down the road. We had talked about leaving it in the areas we won't need to redo the foundation inside, however I just wasn't okay leaving a craptastic floor in there. Some others might have decided to salvage what they could because the route I took just cost me 19k I won't see again. Yup folks, 10k for the wood and 9k for the labor and other materials. Thank goodness he wasn't paid for it all.
Now that the new floor has been demo'd out a new issue surfaced....there was old orange vinyl flooring and I checked w/ floor lady I've worked with if there was any worry of asbestos...she said no to vinyl, however back in the day they also used asbestos in adhesive. So, because of the blackish color left, she thinks it might be good to test the adhesive. Sigh.
Step 2:
Use reputable company to come and fix foundation. I talked to reputable guy a few times and he was back out to measure after the new floor was taken out. He said he recommend to leave what other guy did alone...and he'll come in and do what he said at beginning which is to come inside and put 9 additional pilings. He said he could do the front part of house also, but knowing what we've gone through thus far he said that can wait and it may not need it.
The foundation issue boiled down to putting trust in the wrong company. The guy who actually did the work had said I shouldn't let anyone talk me into putting interior pilings in, will create further issue, etc etc.....and reputable guy ironically said that a lot of other foundation outfits will say not to do interior work because it's just that--a lot of work and not as easy and quick money as the exterior ones. Reputable guy also pointed out that other guy showed an exterior piling on the graph that was paid for that was never installed. Sigh.
Step 3:
I need help picking out all the interior finishes. It's been stressing me out and I've looked at 4 different granite/quartz places. I've got a referral for a designer, and no, not from Marc....who I talked to last week. He's expensive, but honestly if it helps me to knock this out and only have to paint once because I chose the right color, then hoorah.
Now.....if you made it this far through construction house woes....cool. But that is just part of the story. In addition to dealing with all of that above, the following has also been happening over last several weeks:
1) My AC at my current house stopped working. Just stopped.
2) My 3 year old refrigerator at my current house just stopped cooling. Just stopped.
3) My kids have been sick for about 3 weeks now and just yesterday my son went to the Dr. and was diagnosed w/ pink eye.
4) My son hasn't been sleeping well in months and over the last few sick weeks it's been beyond. Up every hour to two hours all night. I hear him calling out to me and coughing now. Hang on....
5) Two weeks ago my back just gave out. I could hardly move for days until I went to see chiro I haven't seen in over 3 years. He said I was having muscle spasms that was locking up my back.
5) My sister texted me this week to say that she has a growth on her throat and she was at Dr. getting it scanned. What? After that they said she had to also do an ultrasound which they found it had something there they needed to biopsy so will wait for those results next week.
6) I was asked to post on some jobs at work with deadlines now. Probably I'll say thanks but no thanks.
Friends....I have hit a wall. I've been limping along by working from home a few days a week, but this week I didn't work at all tue and wed and worked from home yesterday. I haven't slept well in months and barely at all in the last 2 weeks. Before I had a hard time staying asleep, now it's progressed into having a hard time falling asleep to begin with. I've been just trying to hang in there, but man has it been tough.
I was talking to my co-worker yesterday and she basically shook some sense into me. She's like look, you need to go to the Dr. yourself. Maybe you need a sleep rx, maybe you need a break from work.....you aren't functioning and it's getting worse. And you know what? She was totally right. I've been so focused on just going from thing to thing and trying to manage it all that I haven't stepped back to say hang on, what do I need here.
So, I made an appointment for my Dr. today and he basically said I have sleep deprivation. He doesn't want to adjust anything--I need to get some time with some actual, non-broken sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours w/out waking up from my son, myself, or my cat--I'm just not able to recuperate. I actually thought back today that how I feel now is so much like when my girl started pre-k3 with all her sicknesses and I had a one year old who didn't sleep then either. At the time I went on an intermittent leave at work for a few months...which really wasn't 'leave' because I still went to work, it was just maybe at 9 or 10am instead of 8.
Well this time I said doc, I've never asked this before (I've known him for over 10 years), but I just can't. I just need to have something lifted off and I think I need a break from work...like just a week or something. The thing that is so crazy.....I felt guilty/bad about asking. And why, right? Considering the load I am carrying and trying to do it without sleep, how can I be expected to manage?! But that little voice just says I should. That was all internal because he basically said he was totally supportive of what made sense. He suggested why not say off for the next two weeks and see him in the middle, and plan to return to work after that.
I agreed.
So, that's what I am going to do. And you know, as soon as we made that decision I could literally feel the weight easing off of my chest.....I could breathe deeper, I felt somewhat lighter.
It was SO the right call and I am so thankful for that conversation with my coworker. I was already in the process of getting old nanny here this weekend, but while that would help, that was only for a few days. I can't just take a nap and fix all this.
After writing this I'm going to send a note to my boss and let her know I'll get the paperwork to the right person here in the U.S. and I won't be logging in. Well, I have email on my phone so I'm sure I'll still be checking it, but to be mostly unplugged.......yes.
I didn't want to write this tough note and also talk about my son turning 4 last month so I will save that for another post.
Here's to things getting better over next few weeks.....
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