Exhale

My little heart is flickering away
 

 

I know that people say every pregnancy is different....and I guess they mean it.  I just couldn't really fathom what they meant, how could it be that different, you know? Now I know.

 

During last pregnancy I had no loss of symptoms what so ever.  Not in the entire time of week 7ish to week 18ish. It was super difficult and hard to manage.  I remember at about 11:30-12noon my symptoms would come on and get worse and worse throughout the day. Every day.  I remember feeling like omg when would this ever get better.

 

This time, there have been two distinct times when I felt absolutely and completely 'normal'.  No rhyme or reason, but I just felt good.  Most would say hoorah, but I truly think after going through IVF (well me anyway) I am always just cautiously optimistic. When something is new my mind tends to jump to, oh no.....rather than ok, let's see.  I was confident something must not have been right.

Thank you Lord I was wrong.

 

I am now 9 weeks along and that is an accomplishment. Baby is measuring w/in a day of where it is supposed to, heartbeat where it needs to be, and I am functioning okay.  I definitely still have the nausea, tiredness, and some days of 'I can't do this', but overall I'm taking it slow.  I have had a few meltdown days, but I think that's when I get overwhelmed w/ STILL trying to find a nanny and a new place to live.  That's a lot on a mama's plate...work FT, find new housing, find a nanny, be a mama, and grow a new baby.  I am not superwoman. I have to keep reminding myself of that. The apartment is a disaster, but I'm just not that worried.  I have some good friends here who are super supportive and have allowed me to lean on/cry when needed, and one has even gone to look at a rental for me. Some friends become more involved during these times, some less......

 

Some positive things are that I have recently found a counselor here to just have someone else's objective opinion and guidance. It has been nice so far. Only met her twice, but she's given me some suggestions on building my network here. That makes sense that's what I need to do, but finding the energy is where I fall short. I am just happy that I get outside twice a day each day over the weekend w/ baby girl so she can play and we can continue to do things. Even when I don't feel well. 

I also am connected to a really good Dr. here and I like her and her nurses. They have been supportive, informative, and responsive.  The Dr. really listens to my concerns and has been great at explaining how she wants to move forward.  I am going to do the CV.S testing this time as well (done between 10-13 weeks) to determine if there are any issues w/ the baby. It is an invasive procedure that is a test, not a screen, so we will know for sure.  That was important to me.

 

I have still had the thoughts of flight and moving out of here.....but my rational mind says I need to 'hunker down' and make this work, at least through this pregnancy. The thought of moving again into an unknown situation is just out of my comprehension at the moment. There is time to think about where we live and what I do........my focus now is keeping healthy and being a good mama!

 

Here is the pic I was going to post the other day. She is now pretend-playing and it is oh-so cute.

She has been a trooper overall. She is doing so much better at home.

 

Thank you Ali for your supportive comment yesterday. I really appreciated it.