April '26

I couldn't come up with a clever title, so April it is.

To finish out the situation with my sister, I did end up speaking with her and she didn't remember and doesn't know what happened. I texted with a friend of hers who was with her two days before on that Friday and she mentioned she had concerns about her driving even then. So, likely things were brewing for a few days before. I suspect what happened is something happened with her blood pressure due to whatever reason--not taking BP meds, adding migraine meds, unknown BP issue, etc..  and that was the result.  The question then became what do I do?  I let things settle a bit and treaded lightly when I first spoke to her, but then about week went by and I said I think we need to go back to her counselor together. She said we could if I thought we needed to, then I told her what I was thinking about all this and yes, yes we do. The session went okay in that I was very clear with my concerns and that we need a plan. I also heard how terribly she is feeling for what happened, how rough of a mental and physical place she is in. I also realized that she isn't handling well at all me processing my feelings with her i.e. showing anger, frustration, etc.. so I committed to trying to process my emotions before communicating with her. At this point, she just can't handle it. Also, another action item is I brought up to her that her estate and everything surrounding it is not in check and organized if something were to happen. It was a big Aha for her and she agreed to work on lining that out. I've got a template that I used that I'll send to her. We are back to talking and back to me helping her keep her system and payments updated in her work system.

Things around here are picking up for end of year activities. My daughter has a theater banquet (had to buy dress and send in baby pics), an end of year 'fancy' dance (that we needed another dress-cocktail this time and send in baby, 5th, and 8th pics), and going to the high school for the sports round up. For what sport you might ask? She said she didn't want to go out for sports. This one is a doozy--she came to me a few weeks ago and said she wants to go out for girls wrestling. What in the holy heck, for real? She's never done it, knows nothing about it, but wants to do it. Apparently one of her theater friends now in HS does it and sold it really well during her JR high info session. My first reaction was heck to the no. No. and No. I was like Babe--the sweat, the physical contact, the pressure...really?! Then I started researching and asked a ton of questions to her friend at the round up. I've committed to letting her do the 3 weeks of Spring practice which will allow her to try it, then assess. Oh boy.

She's also surprised me lately with picking me a flower on the way home from the bus or a bike ride. It's really sweet because while she's not super verbal expressing herself, she shows her love more in her actions. I appreciate it a lot. Especially comparing it to the latest 'game' in our house about touching each other and who can be the last to do it. My son touches her, she screams "Don't touch me!" and smacks him, touches him, then he does it to her again....and so on and so on.....so most every night right before bed I hear "Stop" "Don't touch meeeeeee!!" Running....running....screaming. Just what they need right before bed. Sigh. My son loves it because he can wind her up so easily with then but gets mad when she's the last to touch him.  Oy Vey.

He certainly is mischievous...I don't remember what he did exactly (maybe steal my Easter jelly beans, continuously provoke his sister), but I was frustrated. I gave myself a minute in the bedroom and when I opened the door he had made a trail of building sticks...ending in this. If this kid weren't so charming...

He's also winding down his year with soccer, state testing (well, they both are doing this), and he has a 5th grade graduation this year. They are actually doing a whole ceremony at the high school in the evening. When my girl graduated they had a small ceremony during the day at the elementary school. He decided he wanted to reaallly dress up so of course, that meant shopping.  Over time I've learned that if we all go they need to be fed, and a reward for good behavior afterwards does help. Some. He had a clear vision of what he wanted--a sport coat, white shirt, khaki pants, and dress shoes. Let me tell you when he tried on several items in the dressing room he looked so handsome...I've never seen him in a sport jacket. I ended up ordering all the items so I could use my coupon (the kids make fun of me for using coupons but when I tell them how much money I save, they are starting to get it). When it all came he tried the full outfit on and he looked--amazing, so grown up. He's wearing a belt for the first time also, so that's a big deal. Big change from athletic shorts and all dry fit shirts.

There are also times when they DO get along really well and decide to go on bike rides together and a few times they decided to study outside on the lawn together. It makes my mama heart happy to see this. Pretty soon it's going to be boiling hot, so they've totally taken advantage of being outdoors lately. They've discovered bike trails so since about December they've been doing a ton of biking. So much so that I've had to get multiple flat tires fixed. 

And me. It's been a bit up and down....I'll have a spurt of energy and push forward with the renovation. Then some days it seems so overwhelming I just don't want to look at any of it or decide one more thing.  The last few months have been spent getting samples, researching construction of materials, deciding on material. And once material decided (wood), then the specifics about the material--white oak, how thick? What core? How wide? So. Many. Decisions. About everything. Honestly in the last few months the drag has been all due to me. My over analyzing is causing a lot of delay. BUT, today I reached out to a vendor to order the wood. Once that is finally done and ordered it will be here in 3-4 weeks.

I'm proud of myself that I already have my summer calendar printed and things being filled in. Paying for camps, being in line online for the minute the outdoor learning center camp opened for my son so we could get a spot. They were full within 3 minutes. But we got it!  Still deciding about trip to midwest. We went to my sister's last year during July and then drove to my cousin's. I haven't told anyone I already booked the flights BUT....Im waiting to see how things continue to go with my sister before truly deciding and confirming with everyone. I can always cancel.

Here's to a busy upcoming May and then....summer break!

Again

I've talked about my sister on this blog over the years and there have been many challenges. Emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.. and I keep hoping that things will improve somehow. I think I'm coming to the realization that things may not improve, there will be issues....consistently....and this may just be the way it is. Not sure how much time will go between major traumatic thing to the next.

This morning I'm sitting here with my thoughts spinning, not really sure what to think. 

About 8:30pm last night I looked at my phone and realized I had 7 missed calls and a voicemail and a text. The voicemail was from an ER Social Worker and the text was from a police Sheriff. After talking with both the ER and the Sheriff, I learned that she apparently was driving erratically about 1.5 hours from her home heading towards the specialist hospital (backstory she has been going to this specialist hospital in another state. She did have a procedure scheduled for Tuesday, but my brother was supposed to drive her today). The police said they were called about an erratic driver, ambulance came, she went to ER. The ER social worker initially said she was confused, maybe stroke. A few hours after that around 11:30pm I was able to talk the ER DR and he said she had very high blood pressure, but scans did not show evidence of a stroke.  I then called back up there today and the ICU nurse said she is fully alert/stable and they will be moving her to a less critical care unit this afternoon.

So what happened? I still have no idea. Last night after learning she was found confused, not coherent, etc. I wondered right away did she self medicate with her migraine medication, maybe not take her blood pressure med, and either one or the other or both caused her to be confused and erratic. I called my brother last night as well and he wondered the same thing. We've both seen her have confusion, slurring, not knowing what day it was, etc..after she's taken that med, but not to the degree that she left the house (that we know of). I asked the ER Dr and the nurse last night could this have been medication related. Dr. said its possible, but they wouldn't test for that, and if they did, those tests take awhile to come back.

So here I sit processing all of this in real time. I haven't spoken to her, she didn't take cell phone with her. They don't have phones in ICU rooms. I'm concerned, I have so many questions, I'm feeling upset wondering if this was all due to her self-medicating, but leaving space for maybe medically something happened to spike her blood pressure so high, apparently it was like 220/110. Was her confusion due to the med/blood pressure/combination or both? Will I get the truth from her, will she remember? 

What's next? I'll call back up later this afternoon after she's been transferred to see if I can speak with her. I'll get to tell her that the sheriff said she did damage her car and they had it towed to a lot. Since I work with her business and can get in her system I at least was able to reach out to those she had appointments with today and let them know it was cancelled. My brother will decide about driving up there after we hear about the plan this afternoon.  

After things settle, we are going to have to make some sort of plan going forward about what to do in these emergencies. Last time there was a major medical issue and we couldn't get in touch with her, I said no more. She agreed to have a close by friend have a key and that she would be the local contact. That was months ago, I reminded her several times, but she never followed up with the friend.

I don't think she has any idea what it's like being on this side of things. Throughout all of her struggles. It's been a lot over the years....

Still Goin'

Turns out I did cut off a bit of fabric from that sofa. Funny thing, it's actually now just sitting in our backyard. It's so heavy that the contractor who moved all of our other furniture into the garage just put that sofa there saying they'd come back w/ dollys to move. Yup. Still sitting there.

Here are some pictures of 'progress'.  Well okay there's been some. I made a decision to get all the ceilings scraped from that heavy texture in Jan and yes, it looks really good. I decided to sand the floors--I've had samples down since Sept. However, after finally making the decision the guys came to take a pass w/ the sander and oops....there's not enough wear layer left to sand it. Oof. Now I have to replace the whole floor that has that wood (about 1,000 sq ft). What I'm a little bothered by is, why didn't the contractor who sanded it back in Sept try other areas to make sure it was a possibility?? He was so confident that I just went along and agonized for months about the stain color, having him come back and put other options down etc,, paying for them to do that......when if they had just checked back in Sept, I wouldn't now be in February almost March ripping out all of our floors. BIG SIGH. Then that also leads to having to choose a new floor--tile, replace w/ wood, or vinyl?  I spent countless hours researching, getting samples, walking on the neighbors newly install wood look tile barefoot and I keep coming back to wood. I love it. It's timeless. It's classic. No nasty grout and no plastic throw away floor. Yes, we have to be more careful but I think if I get white oak, width less than 5", and thicker than I had before I will correct all the things I didn't like about the current orange one. It's about 1000 sq ft that we have to do.

Now.
We are eating off of that card table. You can see my induction plate on top of it.

In January when they emptied everything to the garage and re-did the ceilings

What it looked like since June '25 (sans tree) until Jan '26

This has turned out to be a long marathon, not a sprint.  One step forward, two steps back. I'm basically my own contractor and it's not been easy getting the right people and coordinating it all, AND making decisions. No idea how much longer. Next step is rip out floor and replace w/ whatever I decide, then go from there with carpentry, counters, backsplash, paint, appliance install.

I mentioned in my last post about things changing, are they ever.....I'm realizing that the span of my control over the kids is slowly slipping out of my hands. What I mean by that is, for example, all my girls' friends except Macy have phones. They are now watching whatever they want on those things and I have no influence over what they look up. When they go to friends' houses, their friends have older siblings...with older siblings and widened scope comes a newfound sense of what they joke about. Things have taken a turn and jokes about cucumbers and farting and inappropriate noises have all invaded our house. Now, let's be real the kids have always thought toots were funny, but now, my son decides to make a whole production out of it and will come bend over right by my face if I'm laying down and let it go. Can't stop there, nope. He then turns around and makes a windmill with his arm. I feel like it's daily. Every day. And the slang. o m g my son was in the backseat with his friends and all I heard was bet. you are cooked. that's cap. the other day something was bun buns. (bad). They are learning all this from their friends and school and you tube kids. I don't even let them watch regular you tube, but thanks to the friends and school, yeah. Moving on to teenager crap.

My son had a proud moment....at school they have this aerospace program. It's several weeks of afterschool, then it culminates into a sleep over AT the school, this year it was Feb 20. I kept telling him he had to go to space class after school. In order to get selected you had to write an essay. There were 75 applications, 12 boy spots, 12 girls spots and he was chosen!~ We opened his letter saying yes together, so pumped. So fun.  But, one of the things we had to do at home was create a helmet out of paper mache and a space pack. Thank goodness for friends in the class because he did the paper mache elsewhere-sooo not my strength, but we did end up making the space pack from cardboard, paint, leftover material in a vacuum box, a plastic watter bottle, a left over backpack for straps we got from James, and used batteries. We've never really had to "do" school projects at home all these years. It was a bit stressful getting it done on time, went right up until Thursday night, but it worked. We made a good team having to use all that duct tape. He's finishing up basketball season right now....terrible record, 0-6, but they actually won their tournament game so he plays tonight. AND soccer already started this week so we are juggling the first practice for that yesterday, first game tomorrow in between what my girl has going on w/ basketball end of season tournament and theater show tonight and tomorrow. Whew.

I actually had a hand in us actually getting a soccer team this spring. His Fall coach doesn't do it in the spring. So, unless our team finds a coach, they don't get to play. Last season I stayed in touch w/ a few Dads and reached out to 'suggest' if 3 of them work together perhaps they can manage it. And, they agreed! So, I agreed to be team mom. I've never volunteered for any of this stuff. I feel like it's enough to get them to all the practices and games, but this time part of the deal was I would help. SO, I'm going to be the one chasing parents to sign up for snacks, get all the games/practices put in the app, send out comms, etc.. I don't mind it, it'll be just fine. I'm proud of myself for helping to make it all work out for everyone.

My girl....oh this poor kid. She's just burnt out, exhausted, and needs some time to recover. She's been running ragged with the basketball season overlapping the theater season. At times she had to choose practice or rehearsal, all the while keeping up with school. We just went through the 'choosing HS courses' and I wasn't even remotely prepared for what that entailed. It's almost like you have to decide what you think you want to be, then work backwards. We even had to call our neighbor who works in the school system to help us focus on what we actually should do, what courses actually make sense, and it's not quite finalized. Oh yea, my son had to choose his middle school fine arts course (that's their only need to choose) and we are going to have a band kid. For my girl, how does a 13 year old know what they want to be?? She has talked about being a special needs teacher, then recently she's talked about being a pediatric occupational therapist. The mom of her friend Parker, who lost their son recently, told us that being a spec. needs teacher is super hard and there's a lot of burnout she's seen firsthand. Our neighbor (who is the teacher) said yah, you can always be a teacher, so maybe focus on the therapist. Anyway, we had to get straight should she continue in the advanced placement curriculum she is in (yes), should she take some additional AP courses (yes, 1), should she plan for some dual-credit courses too (yes, those in later years). They had us plan for all 4 years! of course changes can be made but man, we went from just choosing a fine art and 1 elective to a 4 year curriculum plan for highschool, it was a lot.

This is how I know she's burned out. She decided on her own she didn't want to do theater as her elective in HS. She's spent the last 3 years giving it her all---her time, her emotions, her energy, her dedication--and it has been just so much. Also, she isn't going to try out for sports in HS--no basketball or cross country. We have a pretty big HS--around 3,000 and we have 2 other jr highs that feed into it with us. She feels like the competition will be pretty fierce for BB with that big of a pool, and while she says she likes basketball, she doesn't love it like some kids do. I was a bit on the fence about this one because she could at least try.....but for right now, she doesn't want to. She can always change her mind. So, having said all of that w/ no theater and no sports, she will have school. AND, that may just be what she needs because there is a big step change with workload from JR high to HS from what I understand. She's used to being able to do all her homework most of the time at school. Only recently have I seen her get out her school chrome book and do assignments, etc.. The good thing is the school has a ton of clubs she can join like baking, crafting, etc.. Really!

One of the ways she started trying to decompress is taking long baths. It started maybe a few months ago. She'd get in the bath and after so long I'd yell Babe, are you ok? Yup. Not long ago she stayed in there for almost two hours. She does it before bedtime so it actually works out because they are split up, when if together they are normally snapping at each other because they are tired, and it gets stressful. I still try to get them off to bed around 8:30. Since moving to the back 4 bedrooms of our house (my son's room is the pantry), the kids have started both just heading to bed when I say it's time. That's changed too because it used to be I tucked in one, then the other. She also started asking to play music in there. She asked for a cd player for christmas, and in theater class her teacher exposed her to a musical that she loves....and I couldn't find it on cd for a good price yet because it's old, but she can access it on her school latpop. She'll sit in there just sitting, relaxing, listening.....I think it's a great coping tool to just let her body relax.....and her her mind. One last thing I've noticed her doing is getting a lot of hugs. I'll be in the rocking chair and she'll kneel in front of me and just lay across me, I can feel her heart beating on my stomach, and it's actually really great for me too. That contact can be so soothing. Sometimes I straighten out her shirt on her back exactly the way my mom used to do with me when I hugged her like that.

At least after this week/weekend we all get a break....my son's BB tournament game was Tuesday and they won, so he plays tonight (Friday) and if they win again, they play tomorrow (Saturday), he also had his first soccer practice yesterday (Thursday),  first soccer game tomorrow (Saturday). My girl had BB game Wed, BB Tournament game Thurs, theater show tonight at 7 where she's staying after school, its ending after cleanup around 9:00pm, and tomorrow 2 shows at 2 and 7 where she has to be there at 11:30am until 9:00pm ish again.

This is crazy week, but starting monday next week, we'll just have my son's soccer. His BB will be over, her BB is over, and the theater shows will be over too. Whew. Then we can kind of rest. sort of.

In my feelings

As I sit here I'm really in my feelings....what I mean by that is I've got all kinds of emotions, with some of them just really hard to describe.

Last night we went to the JR High for the incoming 6th Grade curriculum night for my son. My SON. Like literally how did we get here?  3 years ago when my daughter started 6th grade it was all new, big learning curve, lots of changes...but I think through that transition I've been comforted by the fact that I still had a kiddo in elementary--so, still had little kids. And now? It's all changing. (While we were walking around, we were meeting up with some of the teachers my girl had. For theater, I introduced my son to the director and said it was my girl's little brother....they look nothing alike but she attempted to say she could see 'some' resemblance. Uh, no haha). This is the 'hard to describe' feeling because my brain wasn't accepting that it's almost his turn to go there. Like something felt 'off' because we have always been at that school for my girl, not my son. And then of course this means its the last year I have a child in elementary. I've always struggled with transitions and changes. But this truly is hitting me like holy crap. We are totally entering a new phase--no more elementary. And right now I'm just talking about the elementary to middle school.....just wait until my girl is also starting high school this fall. I haven't even begun to process that yet. I think it's when I'm with that child at their new school that it starts to sink in.....

I know they don't stay little. I get it. It goes fast, enjoy it....I know I know. But there's been drastic change in my girl from 6th-8th grade. She is now 5'7" (still wants to be taller than me at 5'9"), and she went from a straight, long-limbed little kid to a curvy older kid right in front of my eyes. She looks so different from starting 6th to right now. And it's now about to happen for my son. He's currently 5'1", so he's not far behind. His head still fits under mine when we stand up and hug, but when that growth spurt hits.....

Maybe I just need to allow myself this moment to be unsettled and maybe a bit sad. The whole point of having children is to raise them right, support them, love them...I do all that. But the emotional part of all of the changes you go through with your kids as a parent, no stage have I really been prepared for. For me, it's a lot of hindsight, living through all of it...then sorting out my feelings upon reflection. When you are in the middle/day to day you just run. Then, once in a while things hit you like when my son gets on the bus and he's so big compared to the little girl in first that gets on with him. That I now walk past the baby/toddler/little kid/jr section of clothing at stores to get the the women's section for the medium my daughter wears now. And my son is on the verge of going past boys sizes at XL, 

Maybe I should have read more books about what to expect raising them. How my feelings would grow and change and adapt with the different stages we've lived so far. That there will be a lot of love mixed in with a lot of hilarious things, grinding days, exhausted moments, and all the things. Parenting is such a journey....I had no idea the bus I was getting on when I decided to have kids on my own. Maybe most people dont. I do know that I wouldn't change it. It's exactly what I want to be doing.

Ok, as a followup to Christmas my sister did make it. She really was sick for a few days. Emotionally it was ok for both of us. She recovered enough to go buy a car she desperately needed. I did feel like we got to step out of the rat race of practices, bus schedule, school work, etc. to just be. The kids went on a ton of bike rides and we just decompresed. Overall it was good. And now we are back in again....this past week my girl had 1 basketball game and 3 tournament games, my son had a game, she had theater, etc. etc. etc..

Something else I'm in my feels about is the remodel. I completely shut it down right before the holidays so we could just have some decorations and try to enjoy. After the holidays I've drug my feet some because change is hard--and I can't make a decision on a countertop material, whether to sand the floors, and how much of the ceiling to scrape and re-do. I think I've made some decisions for the ceiling but that entails the contractor completely emptying out our living area-- living room and temporary kitchen I've set up front. There's so much stuff. It entails us being on the verge of getting rid of our beat up sofa, the rust striped rug I've had since 2009, the yellow sofas, the dining bar height table with chairs that have the fake leather coming off, the coffee table I had in my first house. I just have a lot of emotions tied to some stuff...definitely with the sofa. I don't care that the stuffing is coming out and all the flecks of brown fabric keep coming off. I've had it since my daughter was born and it's held a whole childhood of two kids with sicknesses, my son's propped up broken leg, me laying on it when I'm nine months pregnant the night before giving birth to my son, football games, it's the background to many videos....just our lives. And when I look at that couch I feel those things and remember those things. I feel silly, but I also have tears running down my cheeks because it makes me sad thinking about getting rid of it.  Maybe I'll keep some of the beat up fabric.

Lots of emotions and thoughts.....I'll work through it, I always do. 

PS I do appreciate being able to check in on a few blogs I've been reading for years about similar aged kids. We all go through these things, I guess.

It's Xmas-ish

Due to the remodel going on at our house, I knew we weren't going to do much for Christmas decorations--if any at all. I wasn't sure if the plan was still to scrape all the texture from the ceiling, because if that was the case, it made no sense to get everything out. But, my girl wanted at least something so several weeks ago she put up our little 2 ft Christmas tree and put some beads on it. That was the extent of our decorations for awhile. But even I had to say it really didn't seem like enough, and felt like womp womp....SO, this past weekend we all decided we just needed to put our 10 ft tall christmas tree up. We drug it out from the garage in it's red bag, cleared out the space it normally sits in our living room, and got out the ladder to put on the lights. I said absolutely no to ornaments, but since my girl was in the boxes, she also found our stockings, the nativity set, a few christmas figurines, and even Peppermint our elf made a visit. We also hung on our TV entertainment center the cards we got in the mail (which we used to hang on the mantle of the fireplace we don't have anymore replaced with a plastic barrier going across the entire room). 

And NOW, it feels much better and more holiday-ish.

Today is already December 23 and Xmas Eve is tomorrow. I've been working on gift searching and buying for months--I still keep my spreadsheet of everyone and everything, which makes it so much easier to keep track of it all. AND,  I'm SO proud of myself that I was done shopping AND wrapping last Wednesday the 17th-a new record. I was always waiting until Xmas eve to wrap gifts and that just made it so stressful...so, I stopped doing it. And I again outsourced my sister's gift wrapping to my girl.

The holiday itself: we are off to a bumpy start....we decided to have my sister fly down here on the 23-27 using her miles. I tried to call her about plans on Sunday/ all day Monday (yesterday) but silence. Right before a trip is not the time. She finally texted back yesterday some garbled message and 'sick'....so I texted do we need to change or cancel the flight? and she texted back no. Then I got a text this morning that she of course missed her flight and would be arriving 3hours later...right during rush hour. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about this and I'm trying to manage my frustration, disappointment, and annoyance about it all feeling like, 'here we go again'.....I suspect it may not go well when I tell her I'll pay for an U ber to bring her here because it will take over 2 hours round trip to go get her now. I'm just going to take a deep breath and hope for the best. But, I don't even have a dinner planned yet so likely we will order x mas eve dinner from somewhere and just pick it up. It's not like I have a kitchen to cook in anyway.

My hope and intention over the holidays is to have some peace, minimal arguing between everyone since the kids--mostly my son--have ratcheted up already with the provoking, screaming, chasing, etc..and some good moments. I think that's doable.

Happy holidays to all.

The Holidays are upon us

I find myself again sitting in the recliner with so many thoughts going through my head. I've got so many projects going on (just got roof repaired at apartment yesterday), so much to push forward (still sitting here waiting for someone to get texture right so I can keep things going in our house)....getting frustrated that I can't get followup and movement from contractors, etc.. We are in the 6th month of our remodel now and frankly, people can build a new house in this amount of time.

I wanted to follow up from the last post and share that I did indeed finally talk to my sister. I finally just called her because it was clear she wasn't reaching out to me. I expressed my concerns but in summary, I swept it away and chose to just move on. With the exception of....I said she has got to find someone local that can have a key to her house. I just can't go through the " haven't heard anything is she ok" situation again from 18 hours away. So, she agreed that her friend Kelly (that I had forgot about actually) lives about 20 min from her would be the person. She has yet to confirm that but I ask her each phone call.

And we did start therapy with my girl beginning of November. I knew she would not be happy so I chose to wait until the counselor actually confirmed our appointment. She didn't do that until that Friday night before the Saturday we were supposed to go, so then I told her Sat am at soccer that we were heading to therapy afterwards. "Why?!" "I don't need that"...followed some more by whining and "Why?"..... I always answer with, "Therapy is good for everyone" I also wasn't upset about waiting to tell her because I knew this would not be good news to her. The plan was to drop my son at home, but we got delayed after soccer--I ended up letting them get a donut to help the mood....and we all headed over there. She was still complaining in the car so I asked my son to tell her about it....and he told her hey, it's not that bad. (Internally I was clapping that that is what he said).

In summary, it went well.....she of course was quite nervous at first so I went in with her....over the course of the appointment I could tell she was relaxing step by step....fidgeting with her hands slowed down, she started answering with sentances instead of one word, and by the end, she was talking in multiple sentences. That is my tell tale sign she is more comfortable. The other thing that helped so much was the therapist met her where she was. Acknowledging she knew my girl didn't want to be there....and acknowledging that for anxiety doing breathing exercises just doesn't work for her, etc...and that, I think, helped my girl understand what she was thinking and feeling was ok. We are headed back tomorrow for appointment 2, so will see how it goes.

I truly have been wrapped up deeply in pushing the remodel/rental apt things forward. It takes a ton of followup, persistence, money, patience, phonecalls, texts, etc.. that it takes most of my days. however there were some things I thought about that I wanted to share:

--Phase one of braces is a joke (for us).  Both my girl and my son had it (cost around $2500 each?) and wouldn't you know my son's canines on the top are growing out through the side of his gums. I took a picture and sent it to the ortho and they were like oh, don't worry we'll address in phase 2. Isn't the point of phase one to make space so there's room for teeth to grow in properly? When we went to the dentist a month ago I asked her the same question on Phase 1, i.e. why? and she said well, it doesn't always help all the teeth and it's better than it would have been. C'mon. I Feel like its a total scam. An expensive scam.

--Speech therapy is not quite a joke, but I wonder what in the heck they were doing the last 3 years. My son is in speech at school because of his Z's and S's. They come out sounding like "th".About a month ago he and I were talking and I said hey, make a snake sound....at first he couldn't do it...but after trying a few times he did it! I heard him properly say an S! It was so exciting! So he went back to speech and showed his teacher. She noted it was much improved, although he makes the S sound with his toungue going down, instead of up. Apparently some kids do that? But I was just thinking....all I did was ask him to do a snake and he did it. What was he doing in therapy all that time?

--I met up with 2 women who were previous coworkers of mine-from different times of my career-for lunch. It was great to catch up and talk shop since my brain had let that go several years ago. However, I found myself sitting back, listening to all the drama that was happening, all the stress they are living with, some self-imposed, how wrapped up they are in it....and I was left thinking....holy cow that was me, that's really unhealthy, corporate america teaches you that nothing you do is ever enough...you find yourself always looking forward....going for that next promotion, that next project, that next level of XYZ, wondering if what you are doing is good enough, it's very competitive, and overall, not good for single parents or your mental health. I am SO GLAD I am not working for 'the man' right now.

--I feel disgruntled with how single moms are discussed on many reality shows. For example, it seems like when someone talks about their life story and says how when they were raised by a single mom, it's usually a story about struggle and perseverance. She worked 3 jobs, I never saw her, she was gone all the time working, I know she loved me but missed out on my activities at school, we had no money, etc.. Now, don't misinterpret that I'm trying to negate their stories...it was just an observation of mine that rarely do you hear about someone saying, hey I was raised by a single mom, we didn't struggle financially, I had everything I needed, she was a stay at home mom sometimes while growing up, she came to all of my events, we owned our home, etc... Because that's how our life is. I worked so I could be financially independent, have choices, raise my kids the way I wanted to raise them. I get that our experience is not the norm....but is it so rare that you don't hear really anyone talking about how great it was to be raised by a single mom without all the struggle? I am really curious to hear someday from my kids what are they going to say, what do they think when they look back on how they grew up? What will their story be? 

Okay, out of my thoughts and on to getting back to my day. We are preparing for the holidays....we were just invited by a friend I've known since grad school to her house for thanksgiving. We are going to go there and likely order a meal you can take home and bake. Neither of us are cooks, so that works for me. Also, Christmas has been up in the air because a) my house is a mess I don't want drywall dust in the tree and b) my sister may not come for christmas because of all the crap she is dealing with. She asked about us flying up there, I thought a few minutes about it, but wow the flight cost. And, I just don't know if I have the energy for all that. So, if she doesn't come here that might be ok because I don't want a repeat of last year's challenges with the unpredictable nature of how a visit can go. I think I'll just see what my girl will be comfortable doing (meaning what can we do so she doesn't feel jipped) because she really is the holiday person in the house. My son doesn't care too much, and this year....if we didn't decorate at all, I'd be ok....but I will do it if they want to, for sure.

Happy Holidays to you all.....

Happy Halloween!

I likely was sitting just like this last year on Halloween....in the recliner, in the living room, wondering what I'm going to do w/ myself for the next few hours. I just dropped both my kiddos off at separate boy and girl friend parties where they are group trick or treating. They are still not too old for it at 11 and 13. Given how much my girl likes candy, she'll still be out there as an adult. I scored on my son's costume this year he wanted to be a devil, no idea why....so we found one over 50% off and was 20 bucks. Not bad at all! My girl went as an F.B. I agent, I guess the group of them were going as a movie bunch. All she wanted was a white t-shirt, and made her own badge, had her own sun glasses. Easy peasy.

On one hand I'm excited I don't have to corral them, at high anxiety because of all the cars/people (safety is very anxiety provoking for me)...having to walk them all through the neighborhood letting them get candy I don't really want them to eat....but then it's like....here I sit.  I 'could' walk with the group of boys, they are in our neighborhood, but maybe I'm feeing a bit anti-social. I'm just coming off being sick w/ respiratory bug and not 100%.....so, I'll let it be. Maybe I'll meet up w/ the group later, I did that last year. My son's got the watch so that always eases my stress of wondering where they are. A few adults are already walking with them....they definitely still need supervision at 11. Some boys in his group, well, one in particular, is a bit of a punk. Matias.....3rd child, smart mouthed, argumentative, etc.. they don't play a lot together, which is good, because my son is always telling me about "Guess what Matias did today?"

The other thing on my mind is that I've just been in a stressful time....my kitchen is still ripped apart, my apartment was listed for rent, got a new tenant within a day (yay), and for the last month have been preparing the apartment. Needed all new blinds, touch up paint, the ceiling drywall was cracking so had to have contractor bid and fix it, etc.. so total to turn it around this time is about $1500 plus one month rent to the realtor. I also had no idea how bad the windows were...it is an apartment above a 2 car garage, built in 1950 or 60 and a few window have holes, major cracks, etc. Have not been operable since I owned it....so got a quote to get new windows. It's been a LOT of stuff. I was there yesterday because the paint didn't match on the ceiling so got myself up and down the ladder rolling it on. So sore today. I will for sure hire that out next time, the contractor offered a week ago but I thought it would be easier/cheaper to do myself. It wasn't. My mistake. Another mistake is the new tenant asked for a countertop dishwasher. Never even knew they existed....and I said I would provide one. Why???? In my head it was because I was hoping to make her love the place and want to stay longer than a year....at the time I saw in her history she stayed at her last place for 6 years....I would love a tenant to stay more than 1 year. I've had yearly turnover for a few years now and it really is a lot of work when they move out. Not to mention very costly. Driving over there a second time last night to deliver the blinds was the first time in all of owning the bungalow w/ the garage apartment I thought...is this worth it? Do I really want to keep doing this? Can I physically keep doing this? As an example, yesterday I was going to lug up the very heavy box w/ the dishwasher to the second floor and thankfully my re-key locksmith who I've used for years was nice enough to do it for me. Of course.....I know I'll keep it for now....I really do love the place....but it really is a lot of work when someone moves out. And honestly if I sell it a builder will come, knock it down, and build a monster. I don't want it! Save the bungalows!

Also, lately things have been challenging w/ my girl. She doesn't communicate very much. Also, when she's exhausted she turns inward and that's what I think is happening. This theater gig she does for school is starting to be outrageous. The amount of hours the director has them do is like adding a part time job on top of the regular school day. It's too much! She's only 13! We had a four day weekend this month and Friday 9-4, Saturday 9-4, and Monday 9-4 they had to go to school/theater. Are you serious?  Thankfully the show ended this past weekend so she/we finally get a break. But, I totally get she's just burned out, but I feel like we only talk in the, "hey did you brush your teeth?"....."any homework due tomorrow".....like I haven't had a real conversation with her in a long time. We've been butting heads about a lot of things too. For example, she finally had a day in a few months that she could go biking w/ her friends. Great. However, I called and told her when she needed to come home. She said ok. Then didn't.....so when she got home I was frustrated with her. She just couldn't understand the ONE day she got to hang w/ her friends why I was upset with her. I don't think she got that of course the biking wasn't the issue....it was her still having to follow the rules. Also, she's been backtalking a lot. Now, I know she's a new teenager, so that just may be how it is.....but I think my issue is I feel disconnected. We live together, but pass by each other with all of her activities and her tendency to not verbalize very much. I try starting conversations, especially in the car when taking her/picking her up like asking how's school: Fine. Hey babe, how was theater: Fine. How was your day?: Good. One word answers is the usual these days. So, I decided that we should go to the therapist I went to with my son. I think it's important to make sure we find commonality when there's so much going on and changing for her. I sent an email to therapist and waiting for when we can go.

Then.....my sister. About a year ago we had an issue come up where no one could get ahold of her for days and when that happens, it usually isn't good. Last year my brother ended up going to her house and breaking in her basement to see if she was ok. Turns out she was on a several day, self-medicated binge and just was not with it. My brother found her laying there, she didn't even know what day it was. SO, it was a big deal....she and I went to therapy with her counselor to lay out some guidelines, how better to communicate, etc..and we got back on track.

Well, it happened again last week. I got a text from her last Wednesday that said "I fell and hit my head. I am resting. I will talk to you later". I said ok, call me later. Then..... she didn't call, didn't call.....I finally reached out to my brother that evening (he lives 1.5 hours from her) and asked what we should do. He ended up calling her and calling her until she actually answered the phone. He couldn't get much out of her except that she was 'ok'. After that she called me, which I missed, and she left me a voicemail. I could tell right away she definitely was not in her right mind. I then called her back and asked what the heck happened and she proceeds to say that she fell on Sunday (uh, what?! 3 days ago!) and had just been laying on the couch since then. She said her cat twisted between her and she fell, had a lump on her head, and it was bleeding. Now, she's 6 ft tall so a fall to hit her head is a ways down. And she just laid at her house for days??. Making up all kinds of excuses as to why she couldn't.didn't go to the ER. Concussion maybe? She was then crying hysterically saying she just doesn't care, etc..I told her I'm worried I'm going to find her one of these times not alive. She said she knows.

That's heavy. And infuriating. And sad. And heartbreaking....all rolled into one. I know she's been suffering again with her mental health for a few months now.....but you can not just call me 18 hours away, drop a bomb like hey, I hit my head, then ghost me. What am I supposed to do? And we've been through this before......the thing is, she doesn't have many friends. She has one friend w/in 30 minutes of her she's known for years, but they are on/off. And only one other friend about 45 min away that I've never met. I don't want to kick her while she's down, but I also can't condone that she's not taking care of herself. I told her it may be at a point where she needs to go inpatient. She said absolutely not. She also is in denial about her misuse of prescription medication. The worst rx is the one she gets from her neurologist for migraines that is a central nervous system depressant. That's what she uses to 'check out'.

The thing is....I feel angry. And I feel bad about feeling angry. The only close family member to me from my immediate family has so many problems.....I'm frustrated that she refuses the help she really needs, and doesn't have the capacity to be there for me, doesn't have the capacity to be there for herself, has so many health and mental issues. And....I'm just heartbroken for her. She's wounded. She's suffering physically and mentally. She really has no one. I do care about her and feel so helpless.....I think the downfall started about 2 months ago after she had a surgery to repair something that failed from a surgery a year ago. It was very noticeable since then. I did the only thing I could think to do---some action--- which was call her therapist and leave a detailed voicemail about how bad she is doing right now. Of course they can't talk to you due to privacy, but I at least needed to let her know. I also called her nurse practitioner who prescribes her mental health meds. The assistant did finally call me back and I also described to her the events of the past week and just needed them to know she's struggling so bad. I have no idea what she tells them, if she's honest about all the medication she's taking, and I don't feel bad for calling both of them. I would feel bad if something happened and I didn't.

Now that I look back, it has been pretty heavy in my mind....worrying so much about my sister, feeling the tension of us not talking right now, feeling distant from my girl, and living in a wreck of a house, and trying to put together the apartment....all while being sick.

At least w/ my girl we have a path forward.....I really think the therapist will be helpful....w/ my sister I think I just need to call her as a start.

This is all a bit much so I do want to share some happy news...I'm so excited my son just had his well visit today and he's doing great! weighs 104, is currently 5ft 1/2 inch and is on track to be likely 6ft or more. And.....he still likes mama to "lay with him" at bedtime. Sometimes I do still go in there for a few minutes and the other night he said, "I feel safer when I'm next to you. It gives me a sense of security". That was so sweet.....and I know exactly how he feels.