First 6 weeks

I can hardly believe it is the last day of September! I didn't realize it, but I just made the cut off for a September post. Sheesh.

School for 7th and 4th grade started over 6 weeks ago now and it started off quite well! My girl was familiar w/ her school and the new middle school scheduling. My son seemed happy to head back to school and we quickly got into our rhythm. We'd wake around 7:00, my son's school starts first so he gets ready--mostly on his own. I don't have to nag much, just more reminders about brushing teeth. He's a big eater in the morning so I know he'll find himself something to eat, cereal, peanut butter toast, etc.. We leave for the bus at 7:35 AM (School starts at 8:10AM). It's kind of ridiculous, but I don't care that I drive him to the bus stop. I don't like the heat, bugs, and humidity....so we wait for the bus in the air conditioned car. So much better. Once he's off on the bus I'll head back home. My girl usually wakes up before we leave for the bus so I'll come back and find her laying on the sofa watching cartoons. She'll relax until 8-ish, then get herself ready. My only job is to make sure she's eaten something (not a morning eater), brushed her teeth, and fill her water bottle/snack if she wants one. Then, she was taking the bus in the morning too....her bus is supposed to come at 8:29AM, but it's consistently late. She no longer wants mom to go to the bus stop w her....apparently there is a bunch of kids there. So, I have her wear the apple watch and she leaves the house about 8:20AM. Once she's on the bus she scans her badge and I get a notice. Then it's just me.

For the first week I used that time to just decompress after the whirlwind summer. I started to think through what projects I want to do, and really how I want to spend my time. Do I want to go back to work? Do I want to finally do whatever renovation I had in mind?

So.............after the new windows got installed week of August 12th, I realized that paying a large sum of money wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. Once I wrote the checks and credit card swipes, the money left my account, and that was that. I didn't regret it. I didn't stew over it. My mom ALWAYS said growing up you can't take your money with you when you go. She was a very generous person, always donating to church, to the people ringing the bells at christmas time outside of stores, she always chose a child's name from a tree to donate a gift, etc.. She was much more generous than I am. It's the truth. I have always saved and saved, and I am quite frugal--because to me, money = freedom. It gives me choices, which gives me a lot of peace. And that's why I'm in the excellent financial situation I am in. I worked in corporate america for almost 20 years, I maxed out saving to my 401k from the get go every company I was with. I did several corporate relocations which are lucrative, I also had a side hustle (which at the time didn't realize that was the term) of real estate rentals and investment properties. I'm really proud of myself and always said my goal was to have enough to stop working when my son was going to kinder to be a stay at home mom if I wanted to. Goal accomplished. I'm really proud. 

I've digressed here.

Anyway, all that to say it's hard for me to spend money. Small amounts, no problem, but large amounts brings me a lot of anxiety. So, after doing the windows and realizing it wasn't that bad........

I can't believe it but after two years of thinking and planning, I'm actually going to do the kitchen renovation! I stressed and hemmed and hawed and finally signed the contract early September.

You might think demo has already started but here's where I've surprised even myself.  After talking w/ contractor and designer, I mentioned that I've always wanted more space i.e. turn the attic into a bonus room. In this phase of our lives, I feel like we just need more space. And, I don't want to move....I've come to that conclusion because I looked again a few months ago at real estate in Wisconsin where our extended family lives and got excited, thought about the possibilities of getting out of this heat, and then researched schooling. That's where it kind of crashed and burned. It's not the academics itself, it's the complete lack of diversity. And I mean complete. I looked through all the pictures at the middle and high school current staff. Maybe all but 2 appeared Caucasian. I have a huge problem with this. I love how much of a melting pot we live in. My son's best friend Aarav is Indian, Ata is Turkish, James is Japanese, my girl's good friend Selina is Asian/Brazilian. There's such a benefit, almost indescribable, to me about living in a place where you are surrounded by differences. There's learning in that, in and of itself. It's hard for me to imagine living somewhere that is 90+% white. It bothered me to my core.

So, I put thinking about moving on the backshelf....again.

Having said that, if we are going to stay in this house.....then I just want to make it functional for this stage of our lives. So, after discussions w/ contractor/designer....if I'm going to do a bonus room, it doesn't make sense to finish a complete kitchen/flooring/painting reno, then disturb everything we just did to make a bonus room. I agree. The current thinking after last week is to do it all at the same time. The architect and designer are discussing a new drawing/plan to include the bonus room, so the contractor can then get me a cost estimate.  It will be outrageously expensive, I think. But man would I love to be able to let the kids go upstairs when their friends come over (which is all the time), have more storage, etc, etc..

I went from doing nothing for a few years, to now wanting to do everything. I'm excited, actually...from a real estate perspective you can't go wrong (usually) w/ adding square footage......and then sometimes think what the heck am I doing. I'll wait to see the numbers about the bonus room and go from there.  I've already signed the contract to do the kitchen, etc. so I know I will at least do that part. Once we decide on bonus room, then everything will get started.

Our nice school schedule was going well for the first week and then.....the head PE coach at the middle school had a group of 7th grade girls together and "encouraged" them if they were going to try out for basketball, then they really should sign up for cross country now. WHAT? My daughter texted me from school that day, with the coach standing there, asking if she could sign up. What was I going to say? I asked if she really wanted to, and she said yes. So, I said yes. She talked about maybe doing it before school started, then decided no. Well, when you have an adult saying you should do it, pressuring you into it....the coach was there telling kids what to text their parents....of course she'd bend to the coach. Really disappointed in how the coach handled it. So, we started cross country's 7 week season on August 19th.

It was a shock to all of our systems....getting up at 6AM Monday-Friday leaving at 6:30AM. Traveling to the school, practice starting at 7AM, then her going to school after that-School starts at 8:55 for her, and not getting home from the bus until almost 5PM. My girl's friend Selina was in that group also and her mom texted me if we could carpool, YES! So I end up driving the girls Mon/Tue, she drives Thurs/Fri and we trade wednesdays. The first meet was on Sept 5th at 5:30 pm, thankfully they do not have practice on the days of meets. The meets are once a week for 5 weeks at different schools and are all designed for the kids to run in grades/genders...7th grade girls go first, then 7th boys, etc..and are a mile and a half long. We were SO lucky the first meet it rained because....well, we live in the south. It is SO unbearably hot still. The next meet the feels like temp was in 90's-100's. By the third meet it was in the 100's, and after running my girl just about collapsed afterwards....we can leave as soon as her group is done, but riding home she took a half an hour to calm down, restore her breathing, and cool off. Once we got home she just laid out on the floor under the ceiling fan for another half an hour. It was brutal. She decided not to run the 4th meet last week due to such high temps, but it's not like she just came home, she just went to theater rehearsal instead (theater has started up or her too and a few days every week she gets up at 6, practices, school, then theater 4-6, I pick her up and home at 6:30. And theater on Saturdays from 10-4 or 10-1 also.) That's more than a 12 hour day for a 12 year old--It's just too much.

I can't be more proud of her, though, because she's stuck with it. She's exhausted but has kept pushing and didn't quit. I wouldn't have been upset if she did. But, this week is the last week for practices (today/tomorrow, then districts 5th meet on Wednesday). That will finish out the season.  How did she do? With her long legs, I thought running would be a breeze for her, but it's not. It's hard....distance running is tough. She was so upset after the first meet with her time because she was one of the last to finish from our school of 7th grade girls. But, the next meet her time improved a ton and she was thrilled, and then the third meet it was brutally hot and she had to walk some during, which slowed her down. It's been challenging for her. She's hard on herself about how she performs but I have to keep reminding her, this is her FIRST time doing the sport, her FIRST time ever running distance.....she's competing against kids where this is what they do. I've done my best to pump her up this season because she didn't give up, she's worked incredibly hard....and I'm amazed at her resilience. Yes girl. I tell her I'm proud all the time to make sure she hears it. She's really gotten fit w/ building muscle, etc. which means I've been doing lots of muscle massage. Since an early age she's liked muscle massage, I used to do it to help calm her a lot....She'd have me do her legs/calves and shoulders every night if I would.

I was initially worried about how all of the extra curricular activities would affect her academics. It started off a bit rough in math as they are now doing algebra. She came home just devastated about her first math test and failing it. I'm thankful that her friend Parker's mom is a math whiz and offered to tutor her a bit. Well, something 'clicked' after that first session and she's done so much better....for the first 6 weeks she got all A's, even in Math.  This kid has really shined. I keep using the word resilient. It's a heavy load for such a young kid and she's managed. And thrived.  Just YES! And she's physically growing as well....she's getting close to 5'5" already....and just beautiful.

All that to say, I've done a ton of driving around since school started. My son also started soccer with practices on Tuesdays and Fridays, and games on Saturdays. Thankfully there are 2 other boys on the team we carpool with so that is helpful. He then decided he needed to work on his endurance/stamina for running, so joined the school's running club which is Thursdays AM at 7:30.

So, I'm either running TO or FROM somewhere....taking/dropping off/picking up/going in circles. My calendar is full with all of their activities, not to mention my girl likes going to church w/ Parker, the sleep overs, the play dates. This is full time mom stuff!

My son's 4th soccer game this past Saturday was extra special. I mentioned in the past that we've loved his coaches Aaron and Michael. They've been his soccer coaches for 4-5 seasons 2-3 years, and they are just solid men. Patient, positive, encouraging, smart. We got so lucky. Anyway, their two boys have now moved to club, but Aaron/Michael reached out about when my son's games are so they can come watch. Sure enough, Aaron, his wife, and son that now plays club came this past Saturday to watch the boys....there are 4 of them on my son's current team that used to play together for Aaron/Michael. Our team won the game and my son even scored a goal. It was just awesome to see that after the game when my son came over to the audience and finally saw coach Aaron---he got this massive smile on his face and went and hugged him. OMG that was just so cool.

Something else I remembered that I don't think I wrote about is how much emotion my son can have. When my kiddos went to Amy's this summer we planned for about max 2 weeks. I had a feeling 14 days would be too long and I think it ended up being about 10 days.  We usually each drive and meet in the middle about 3 hours and then the kids switch cars/stuff. This time when we were driving to pick each other up I really became emotional. I missed them and my heart just was sad......I got to the pick up location first and was just waiting for them. When I saw Amy's car come over the hill I just bursted with emotion and started crying. I'm waving frantically at them when I see them and couldn't wait to get out of the car.

Once they pulled up, it was like in a movie.......I jumped out of the car and as soon as my son stopped he got out of the car and we both had tears streaming down our faces.....running towards each other.....arms stretched out.....and finally embraced in the deepest hug possible. Later on he said "Mom, as soon as I saw your car I just started crying and couldn't stop"......I literally have tears now remembering it.  It was so special, so touching, so soul-filling.....I just love them so much. We both were embraced saying how much we missed each other.  I'll never forget it.

It took a pretty funny turn as well because.....as my son and I were bawling/hugging....my daughter walks up straight-faced and says, "uhhhh, am I supposed to be crying too?"

LOL. 

Along with the intense happy emotions, he also has intense irritable/temper emotions. Lately it's been a struggle when he gets tired, sick, irritable, he lashes out by shouting a lot at me or his sister. This is obviously not ok, but I've been at a loss as to how to manage.  He learned that from me, unfortunately. I can stay calm for quite awhile, but when I'm pushed past, I do yell. Now, to be fair it takes a lot for me to get there..... and he's getting there almost every night, and it's really been a lot lately. I've had several conversations with him to say it's okay to have emotions and be angry, it's not ok to yell at someone. I for sure don't want his sister being yelled at nightly. I tell him she does not deserve that. On the flip side, I've had to talk w/ her about recognizing when he's at the edge to not provoke him. She'll see it and still do one more thing, say one more comment and he just explodes. It happening almost nightly lately.  I've researched what to do about kids with tempers, shouting, etc and some of the advice is terrible....tell them to go do cartwheels, or draw. Ummm, when I'm angry that's the last thing I want to do. So, I try the--hey, take some time by yourself, breathe, etc..and come back when you are ready. I have to be firm that emotions are ok....yelling is not. And work on modeling that myself. Maybe it's just a phase he's in...he's about to be 10. He has to somehow get those emotions out, but in a more constructive way. Sigh.

So, lots going on...my kids are busy which means I am busy....I am about to embark on a remodel of some scope...big, or bigger, we shall see.

I turned around in the shower the other day and saw this.  Even when my kids aren't here, they are still with me. My son had taken a shower earlier that morning. HA

And just like that....

And just like that…..The kids started school today!  I now have a 7^th grader and a 4^th grader.  There was such a flurry of activity over the last few weeks that even though I knew it was coming, it snuck up on me in a hurry.  We’ve been so busy with endless Dr. appts, ortho appts, allergy shot appts, a birthday, windows started to get installed on Monday, and my daughter’s last year teacher Mrs. Jackson (her absolute favorite teacher-English) asked if she could help for 2 days-2 hour windows, meet the elementary teacher Monday night. I’ve been driving around like a maniac.

 So last night it was like omg, let’s get outfits ready, let’s get the tag on the backpack for my son—my daughter has had hers packed for a few weeks now. We were smart this year and did school supply shopping about a month ago, so no last minute crazy. They were super silly before bed last night.

 I, myself, was much less anxious starting this school year compared to last year. Mostly because the big change happened last year when my girl moved up to the middle school for 6^th so it was an all new building/location/teachers/schedule, etc.. I was very nervous for her, as was she. However, I am most impressed and happy with how her school year went. She maintained mostly A’s, and B’s in Math, had a social life, got involved in theater and found a new passion….she just blossomed.  The kid I have now is definitely a different version than the one I sent off in 6^th grade. Even comparing last year’s school photo to this one, both of them stretched again. We just had my girl’s 12 year well visit and she is already 5’4” and weighs about 106lbs. She’s got legs for days and is very lean. However, with the growth mentally, there are new things we are discussing like body image (she asks mom, am I fat?, does my hair look okay?). I’m very sensitive to how she views herself and self-image.  It’s of course natural for her to start to look around, notice others, compare herself, etc.. but I want to be sure we talk about distorted thinking i..e she isn’t even close to fat.  I’ve said listen, what you are going through is normal….it’s normal to look at others and then see yourself and question. Everyone has those thoughts like am I good enough? Someone will always be smarter, faster, better nose, etc.. but it’s about how you feel about yourself that is important.  This is an area we definitely need to keep talking.  I think back and I never had these types of conversations w/ my mom.  She was a care-taker, and an amazing one at that….but we just didn’t discuss puberty, boys, self-image, etc. and I feel like it’s important to open that discussion up. Let her share her worries/fears so she’s at least talking about them versus internalizing.  Funny enough, we went to go see the new movie inside out two for her birthday. She took 3 of her friends and we did dinner and a movie.  It was just the perfect theme for where they are in their adolescence and after the movie she says, welcome to my brain.  She definitely has struggled with anxieties in the past and this summer was pretty good….but with the upcoming school year and real stressers starting, we noticed she wasn’t feeling as good as she could. We’ve been working w/ her doctor and also he recommended therapy, which we are going to start. The two of us have had our struggles with our personalities being very different—me sports-minded, her creative. But the older she’s getting we are communicating better…and she’s still not too big to crawl in my lap in the recliner and we just connect. That touch is so important—for both of us. She’s pretty witty/funny without trying. I’ll laugh at something she said and she’s like, how is that funny? For example this morning I drove her to school and this year they have police directing traffic vs. a teacher. We slowly pulled up to the entrance….she looked and saw pretty heavy-set guy and says, “wow, lay off the donuts”.  Now I’m not a fan of making fun of someone’s weight (including mine), but she somehow knew the concept of police and donuts.  Made me giggle. I am very optimistic about this school year. I think the biggest challenge will be the continued growth of self-image and self-esteem. Academically and socially I’m not super worried.

 That leads me to my son. Hooo-boy.  He’s had his ups and downs this summer. He’s spent the last few weeks constantly provoking his sister (to be fair, she did a lot as well)…and for whatever reason, for him it’s a constant battle over stuff like when they were toddlers. If she has it, he wants it. This silly grey yoga ball has become a “hey, it’s MY turn”….”No, you already had it”….I’m about to pop it and throw it away. Not sure if that’s just where he is developmentally, but it hasn’t been easy.  He’s also still struggled w/ his irritability. He doesn’t have the most patience, and he’s certainly quick to let you know if he doesn’t like something.  I am starting to get the sneaky suspicion he is starting to have anxieties like I did when I was a kid…..at night he worries about something bad happening to me, etc. , and during the day he tends to follow me around the house.  I was just like that as a kid. I used to cry at night thinking something would happen to my mom and get up, go check on her to make sure she was ok. That started really young. He’s starting that same pattern where he comes out sometimes several times a night, finds me, then either sleeps next to me in my bed, or goes to the bathroom and I send him back to his. That worries me because I’m thinking that his irritability is just how his anxiety comes out.  Mental health is such a hard issue to deal with in adults, let alone kids. I wish I could wipe it away for both of them……I wish it was something easier to “fix”….just something I could fix.  For now, I’m just watching and waiting to see how he does. I do think therapy might be good for him, so I’m going to see how the therapist for my daughter is, and perhaps start him as well depending.

That’s not to say all is hard/bad…..he had a ton of fun this summer with all his camps, and I did end up scheduling him for an additional week long soccer camp in August which went over mostly great. He’s so much happier when he’s active and busy….he’s all boy, and I’ve said that from the get-go. Likes to be busy, struggles to entertain himself—wants a playmate at all times, loves sports, loves competition. We probably played hundreds of card games over the summer, as well as banana grams. When we were bored we’d head into my bedroom on the king size bed and all of us play cards together—crazy 8, war, slap jack, old maid, etc..just good wholesome fun. I think we all enjoyed that. I was surprised when we were getting closer to school starting that he seemed excited. When we went to meet the teacher he actually wasn’t irritable and genuinely smiled and talked to some of his friends. That was nice to see.

When both kids woke up this morning they were in good moods to start the year. That’s one thing I’m super thankful for….my kids do a great job of getting themselves up and ready for school. I don’t have to nag, etc. but I still have to remind: brush teeth, etc.. My son is the early bird and his normal wake up time is 6:30-7:00am so getting up this morning was not hard at all.

 As for me? I’m going to decompress these next few weeks, then decide what’s next for me……I do think my brain is ready for something. The windows are currently being installed and should be done next day or two….then I’ve got a guy coming to help choose new trim paint and front door.  I still stay busy w/ my projects, helping my sister w/ her work—she just had an abdominal surgery and is off for now. That’s been a challenge because I’m here and can’t do much for her. The surgery was right during our birthday/back to school preparation and while I technically could have made it there, she wanted me to, I wasn’t in the best place myself when we discussed me going….so for the first time I chose not to be there for her. It was hard, but I’m glad I prioritized me. She just doesn’t have much support or a large friend group, so my brother helped her and I’ve called her 1-2 times a day for last few weeks……wait a minute, I said I was going to talk about me, and there I go discussing my sister and what she’s going through.

I think I’m still a work in progress when it comes to focusing on myself. It’s so much easier to see what others are doing, help them, versus get my sh*& together. I’m not sure what that looks like for me. I think it would be helpful to spend my new alone time since kids back in school thinking about that!

I love A/C

Over the last several weeks things have been crazy. We had a hurricane pass through and it was rough. Thankfully no damage, just a lot of debris. We lost power on Monday morning around 7:30 AM. It was out for millions of people--I was one of the lucky ones where it came back on on Tuesday around 3:30pm. Even today some are still out. I will tell you the time from no power to when it came back on--misery.

We are in the south. It's hot. Heat advisory hot. It's not feasible to be without power and air conditioning.  After I lost power on early Monday morning I checked in with my neighbor who has a generator and they let me put all of my refrigerator items in their spare fridge. It's the first hurricane season where they've had the generator, so for some reason I didn't feel comfortable asking if I could stay over there. And they didn't offer.  So, I drove around in my car trying to decide what to do and also just to stay cool. I happened to find a little cafe open so I could eat an omelet and charge my phone--my car charger decided right now was the time to quit working. Then throughout the day just kept going in/out of my house hoping we'd get power. At around 9:30 pm I found myself parked in front of lo.we's just sitting. I called as many hotels as I could bring up on my map and not a single one answered, so I gave up. Ended up driving home and sleeping at the house on the couch. It's eerily quiet when not a single thing is on. Of course it was just so hot so I found a squirt bottle and just laid on the sofa willing myself to sleep after squirting myself every 10 minutes or so. The silver living in this is the kids have been with Amy since July 2nd where we drove 1/2 way so they could vacation with her.  They've been so busy with waterparks, swimming, bowling, etc. and I couldn't have been more thankful they were well taken care of and I just had to worry about myself.

I've had a lot of thoughts over the last several days and I'm just going to summarize here. Some about storms, some about parenting.

--I have never been so thankful for power as when it came back on late Tuesday afternoon. For air conditioning and fans. And at night just being able to turn on a light.  It's a stark reminder how much we take for granted in America that we have power, we are cool, we have food to eat, tv to watch, and internet to use. We have an older lady Mary in our circle who lives by herself and her daughter lives around the corner....the daughter/family was out of town so on Tuesday when I found a place that was open for salads I called Mary and brought her one. I was at her house fanning myself with a paper plate when we heard the beep of her oven coming on and both of us shouted out loud. Then the sweet sweet feeling of cool air coming from the vents again.

--I'm thankful for sunlight. In the morning when I could finally see in my house without turning on my cell phone flashlight I was grateful.

--I spend a lot of time watching tv and reading articles on the internet. Without the ability to do so, I felt itchy like--what do I do? My brain kept wanting to occupy itself, but I had nothing. I suppose I could have pulled out a book, or organize bins, etc. but without power? Uh, no. I just wanted to watch TV and track the storm and aftermath. I was just reflecting on the fact that I occupy more of my time than I realized on mindless tv/internet. Not sure I like that...but also not sure what I'm going to change about it.

--Storms are so stressful. When they are happening you just sit and watch. Hope and pray you don't have severe damage. No tornados come, no flooding comes. We've had our fair share of storms over the years and some really bad ones. I'm kinda over it. Going through storms with small children by yourself is even harder. When the power came back on it was this huge release, like a huge exhale...and I could finally relax. I didn't realize how much I kind of 'hold my breath' in a way until everything passes and things go back to normal.

--I feel so happy when things are clean. On Tuesday when the power came back on I spent 2 hours dismantling and scrubbing down every part of the refrigerator. I'm not sure I had ever taken every bin/shelf, storage drawer out since I've had it for 9 years. It was a ton of work. But every time I open the refrigerator now I feel calm and good. It's amazing how having something clean and organized can just make you feel better.

--I had no idea how much mental energy I spend parenting every day.  I'm consumed all day with--what time is it, what are we having for lunch/dinner, did you brush your teeth, stop arguing w/ your sister, go find something to do, do you want to play a game? Time to take a bath....it's not until I had the absence of it that I realized holy moly, I use most of my brain power during the day keeping the kids and the household going.  

--With just taking care of myself these last 10 days--it is so easy. It is so simple. I don't have to cook if I don't want to. No one wakes me up during the night. I can have the TV turned up as loud as I want because no one will wake up. It definitely is much less stressful. Being a parent really IS stressful and a LOT of work. No surprise there, but you don't realize how much you do until you aren't doing it. That doesn't take away from the fact that I wouldn't trade it for nothin....I miss having them here. Dearly. I only cried once, so that's good. But I think it's important to acknowledge yes, it is hard. It is very hard at times.

--My kids are messy. With just me in the house I realize how much I pick up on a daily basis. Dishes and laundry galore.

--I enjoy hanging out with my kids. I love their energy, I like living with them. I like our conversations, I like hugging every day. I like our jokes and laughing together. I think I've built a good family unit where being kind, positive, and supportive are priorities to me. I also sing a lot when they are here. They will say a word and my brain will automatically recall a song w /that word and I belt it out. I get so many eye rolls (I'm really not a good singer), but it's fun for me. I didn't realize how much I do it on a daily basis. No wonder they roll their eyes.

To end this post, yes I do love my A/C.  I'm about to love my new windows that should be coming in a few weeks. I haven't decided on the remodel...I can't wrap my mind around the cost yet. So, maybe I'll just paint for now and think about it for later. Not sure on that one.  One thing at a time!

Summer is going to end before I know it.  Kids go back to school August 14th and my daughter has a lot going on before then....she still has her strength and conditioning camp at the highschool from 12-2 Mon-Thurs until August 1st. Then her junior high starts its own conditioning camp. Then she has Dr. appoints/ortho visit/class schedule pick up, etc.. Pretty soon it's all going to start. I'm not sure what my son is going to do for the next few weeks...I may end up finding a soccer camp for him or something as he really needs structured activity.

I'm picking them up tomorrow and they are both ready to come home. I've talked to them every day at least twice a day....so after 10 days, time to come home. We are all ready for that, and to finish the out the summer strong!

YAY!!

After a year and a half of looking and researching and getting bids....I FINALLY ordered new windows for the house! We live in a one story, 2400 sq ft 4 bedroom house (with no usable attic and no basement). There are about 27 windows--which is also crazy, and why our house is so not energy efficient. It's a classic brick ranch style and was built in early 90's. It has the old school, builder-grade, single pane aluminum windows and we've just been living with them since 2015. In the summer you can just feel the heat come through, and in the winter the cold. It's almost like having no windows. Well, in the back kitchen there is not a full window because it's still broken in two places from soccer balls. I just put up cardboard and duck tape until I could decide what to do. I did put on solar screens several years ago, but it truly does not make much of a difference. I am always hot in the house during the summer and because we have no energy efficiency, we can't keep the AC lower than 74 or it will run all the time. Can't tell you the number of times my kids have found me laid out on the living room floor with the fan on 3 dots power to cool me down. Another fact--my son and I took a thermometer into my bedroom--with a wall of 5 windows and the furthest away from the AC unit.  It registered over 80 degrees when the sun was setting. And that's with the thermostat at 74.

So, it was time.  I was just tired of being hot all the time...since living in the south, that's just how it is most of the year with the summer being unbearable. Total bill with installation is 27 thousand dollars.  Yes, it hurts to even type that out. The bids came back from the cheapest type windows at 20 thousand, to some triple pane premium windows at 34 thousand.  I ended up right in the middle. Down payment made and they should come in about a month.

Part of why it took me so long is a) I really struggle making decisions and b) it involved a lot of money. The more money something costs, the harder of a decision it is for me.  Also, I've been in real estate long enough to know that there is no return on investment w/ windows i.e.  I could list the house for sale today at the same price with or without new windows. So, it became a decision of--are we going to stay in this house longer term?? I've struggled with that question on and off since coming to live here in 2015--hard to believe it's been 9 years now. My son learned to walk in this house and my daughter was just 2 when we moved in. This is the home they will first remember. 

If I'm honest, it wasn't what I pictured for me raising kids--the suburbs of a major city. There is a lot of traffic, the interstates are16 lanes in some places, etc..and I guess I thought I would raise them similar to how I grew up--small-er town, a bit more of a community where most people know each other. Over the years I've looked at real estate back in the midwest both in my home state, and where my cousins/aunt/uncle live....and it never really felt "right". I would get itchy about moving, then it sort of waned w/ all that's happened over the last 9 years--hurricanes, covid, school, etc.. We live in a cul de sac where we do all know each other and over time it's become welcoming. In addition to that, and maybe most importantly, my kids are happy. They have friends in school, we live where they can walk or bike to friends' houses. I'm in no rush to disrupt that at all. I don't have a big enough reason to--even the heat and wanting more space isn't really enough.

So, the longer we stay put, the longer this is just home for us. Although none of us like the extreme heat, we've settled into life here pretty well. All that to say, I decided there is no big push for us to move anywhere else, which means its time to invest in making things more comfortable while we live here. That's also the reason why I've considered the kitchen renovation project. We currently have a huge fireplace separating the kitchen from living. We never use it--it makes the kitchen tight/very hard to maneuver when there is more that one person in there. Over the last year I've gotten structural plans/talked to several contractors....and am now at a point where I need to either do it, or not. It's a big project and of course, very pricey. The pros are that we would be able to build a massive island and actually use it--plus have more space in the kitchen. The walls also need repainting because while I did a lot of cosmetic work before moving in 9 years ago, tastes have changed and I realized back then I liked the 90's more than I thought--me and my spice orange kitchen and beige/gold walls. I also need to refurnish the house because our current set up is falling apart. Literally stuffing coming out of the sofa. But, it makes no sense to replace all the furniture if we are repainting/renovating. I'm almost there....and I've decided since I'm staying at home now, there is no better time. My thoughts keep revolving around doing the house projects while I can, then think about going back to corporate america or something else after all of it is done. Way too much to do when trying to work also so it truly is the best time to do it. Time will tell if I can get over the hump and just do it.

Until then, I'll be a full time taxi driver for my kids going to camps. They finished up the outdoor learning center camp--it was only 1.5 hours for each of them but of course one's was at 9:30-11:00 (it filled up before I could register my second one), so my son went at 11:00-12:30. Then last week on top of that my daughter started a strength and conditioning camp at the highschool from 12-2 just for jr high kids who are going to play sports in the fall. She's oh so sore, but is really liking it.  This week she can't go due to the stem camp from 8-3. Today was the first day, so I do hope she liked it. I'm about to pick her up, and it's 20 minutes from here. That 6:50am alarm came awfully early this morning. She wanted to be up early so she could take her time getting ready. sigh. My son started vacation bible school from 9-12 all this week...he was able to get in the same class as James, so I was glad about that. We will share pick up duties, which helps both of us.

So far it's been a good summer....they both liked the the first outdoor learning camp that was two weeks, today is the first day of the next camps, and next week basketball camp. Of course not at the same time my son 8:30-11:00 and my girl from 1-4 Mon-Wed. I'd much rather we all stay busy because idle team means much more arguing. Not interested in that!

Summer 2024!

Wow. It's been two months again and summer break has already started. I've come to realize that if I'm not feeling that great, I just can't muster it to put a post together. But, it bothers me and I think about it often, tell myself I'm glad that i've posted after I do....but alas. Here we are.

Kids got out of school last Thursday May 23 and it already feels like weeks....maybe it's just having them home 24/7, maybe it's the fact that we've been so busy....we went to a hotel as a staycation to kick off the summer from Sunday to Monday holiday. It really was nice with an indoor pool, kids behaved-not much bickering, and the nice cold air conditioning. Since the temps have already reached 'feels like' over 100 here in the south, it's miserable already. The humidity just...it's just so much. I'm finding the older I'm getting the less heat tolerant I am. When I go to the grocery store I come back drenched in sweat and literally feel like I worked out. It's not fun.

The end of 6th grade and 3rd grade wrapped up fast and furious. I was SO SO proud of both of them. My girl was invited to a special awards ceremony at school where several honors were given out. She was selected for the honors theater award. Her theater teacher really has taken to her and it's been great to watch her love of theater grow. We also had a theater banquet to honor those who were graduating 8th and new members of the thespian society. She wanted to dress up for both, so our friend Amy had given us the cutest denim dress that we thought if we put a belt with it, it would look great. However, it was still a bit boxy, so we decided to get it tailored into an A line. She had never been to a tailors before so the experience was super fun. Standing in the mirror, getting it pinned, trying on the final result a few days later, and watching her look in the mirror and seeing her whole body smile--she felt pretty. Those are the moments. My girl has this fabulous mane of long brown spiral-y curly hair. She's never worn it down to school for anything. Well, I talked her into doing it for the banquet AND the awards ceremony....and she looked stunning. Like a totally different kid--sandals, denim dress, gorgeous curls, and a little belt to boot.  When she went to school for both events her friends who had never seen her like that were just So surprised/screamed and told her how beautiful she was. Even her teachers did as well--her favorite Mrs. Jackson told her she wishes she had hair like that. (Me too, I always wanted a big beautiful head of hair, but mine is thin and doesn't grow out long very well).  What was the most touching was to see my child not just look beautiful but FEEL beautiful. She ended the last quarter with all A's (even in Math, her toughest subject). She's really blossomed over this year...her confidence, her personality is coming out more--she is very witty. She's a one liner kind of kid and a find myself cracking up, even though she doesn't know why I'm laughing--she's not trying to be funny, but just is. On a random note today we just went to get her eyebrows threaded...and it looks really good. If she doesn't groom them they are dark, the complete opposite of mine. Mine are white. Even though I have brown-ish hair which I highlight blonde, you still can't see my eyebrows! Although I haven't had my hair colored in about 6 months and I'm noticing how much more grey is growing in. Sigh.

My son also had several end of year events....he had a basketball team celebration, I'm not sure I mentioned but he played in Jan/Feb on this team and they started out really rough. Some kids not super focused, dancing on the court. BUT, after weeks of play they ended up winning the championship! The thrill of watching those last two games was so. Much. fun. I've got the end of the game on video--me screaming. The coach wasn't able to have the party right after the season, so we just had it recently. We also celebrated end of season of soccer--this one didn't go so well. A lot of the boys who have been on this team for a few years have peeled off and are starting to play club.  That's a whole other subject about youth sports here. It's NUTS. Like, kids start specializing in a sport in 3-4th grade and play all year long in clubs when not playing in school. And these clubs are like 2k+ a year. Our smaller league we've been so fortunate to play in for the last several years is like $130/season. We've been SO lucky to have coach Michael and coach Aaron (two dads of the kids on his team) they are the best--very positive, knowledgeable and have taught the boys a ton. Sadly, both of their boys are going to play club in the Fall so our team and coaches are now disbanded. I knew it would happen at some point, but I had hope coach Michael would do one more season as his son just isn't that great at soccer. I was surprised to see them move him to club, but hey, to each his own. Coach Michael really took a liking to my son and spent a lot of time working with him.  I ended up sending a text to the coaching letting them know how much I appreciated them over the years and that while my son doesn't have a Dad, they've been such good role models for him. Those guys really were great. 

My son also had an end of year party at school, a celebration of learning. I've learned that for some reason, my son doesn't like these parties and tends to be irritable and grumpy. I think he's got a bit of social anxiety and feels embarrassed a lot, etc.. Well, he was extra grumpy at this one and didn't even come over to talk to me--and yes, he did ask if I could come. My son has really struggled with his attitude/irritability lately and it seems to be getting worse.  He's gotten into arguments with Ata quite a bit and so much so that his mom texted me yesterday after they were playing saying my son wasn't being kind. And he wasn't. It's starting to affect his relationships. I'm not sure if he's going through a phase, or what, but it's noticeable. He verbally lashes out and is quick to anger.

As for me, I'm feeling a bit better. I changed medication and we increased dosage a few weeks ago. I do think it is helping. I was able to scramble and get camps set up mostly for the month of June and July perhaps trip to Amy's for the kids. It was competitive getting into one outdoor camp in that it filled up in minutes. So crazy. They are also going to do basketball camp, vacation bible school for my son, and my girl is going to do a stem camp. I think it will go well. I've picked back up on my house projects and am "this" close to ordering windows after over a year. I'm also pretty close to saying we are going to do the house remodel this summer. Seems I've gotten some energy back in order to keep things moving along. I'm still not sleeping that well, so I'd like for that to improve. I still need to buy a new bed. My tenants at the rental house are moving out after a year and a half so going to get that sorted this week to relist.

Well, we are off to the orthodontist for both kids. My girl in braces, my son his retainer. He's lost one of them so need a new one.

Here's to a great summer! Albeit hot and sweaty!

Option 3

I take my kids to school every morning, well...my son to the bus stop at 7:35am.  His stop is not far at all from the house but far enough where I don't want to get dressed, deal with rain, mosquitos, cold, fog...any kind of element, I'm not having it at 7 in the morning. So, I drive him to the stop. I enjoy those times in the morning because it's just him and I. He's not arguing with his sister, provoking her relentlessly....we just get to chat without distraction.

We have very similar personalities where we find the same kind of things funny...are quite silly together, love sports, are competitive, and I think we enjoy being around each other. And sometimes kids say the darndest things. Yesterday when I drove my son to the bus stop we were sitting there, he starts in the back seat, and when we park he jumps up to the front seat, usually turns the seat heater on. Well, he looks at me and says, "Mom, I don't think you are going to do anything today". I'm not sure if it's because sometimes I say I did nothing that day regularly, or just how I tired I looked...not sure. But, he was so right.  I slept most of the day yesterday.

Picking up from last post I ended up going with Option 3 and seeing my old Dr. to tell him how awful things have been for the last 3 months...really just not good at all.  We talked through a variety of options and decided to transition to a new primary medication. I've started that for the last few weeks and while I think I feel slightly better, I do not feel any better or different with being tired all the time and having no motivation. I don't think we are on the right track.  I'm holding out because I did end up making a new patient appointment with an in network dr. that had something end of March, and here we are....so will see how that goes and what he suggests.  We've had some nice spring weather here so I couldn't justify staying in the recliner all day today so I did just go and take a 30 minute walk and then 15 minute stretch, then shower. It's at least something.

I find that when mom is struggling a bit, the kiddos aren't too far behind.  My girl has been struggling w/ her anxieties again over the last couple of months. She's really hard to read sometimes because she internalizes things and has a hard time verbalizing how she's feeling. I think talking about anxiety in and of itself makes her anxious. I am looking at going to a therapist again with her, but she has to be able to talk, that's the whole point. She also got physically sick for about a week with a stomach bug after spring break and that was absolutely miserable for her.  Started last weekend with fever, aches, etc.. and then the stomach issues. However, she can't stand the thought of missing school so she pushes herself to go, even when she should stay home. I did keep her home one day last Monday, but by Tuesday she said she was well enough to go. I let her, and had her wear her watch so she could text me if things got worse...by the time she got home I could see all over her face it was rough. Good thing is a she did finally get better after about a week.

We've had a few issues at her school I'm sad to say. In January my girl took her new b and b works spray to her gym locker. She forgot to lock it and the very next day it was gone. Well, fast forward a month ago she asked if she could buy with her own money a S.T.A.nley cup. It's all the rage and I had no idea what they were. Apparently "everyone" has one. I thought why not, so she picked it out, it's a beautiful tie dye blueish color and she couldn't wait for it to come. I'm sure you can see where this is going...once it came she was SO excited and thrilled--I have to say even I was impressed. Very cute. She had only taken it to school about a week and one day forgot it at the lunch table. She went back to look after she remembered and it was gone. She came home after school in tears when she told me the story. I told her to not give up, perhaps someone turned it in, and I would call the school the next day.  I have to hand it to the school, I called and reported it at about 9:30am and by 11:30 I had a voicemail by the assistant principal telling me they found it, were getting it back to her, and the student was being assigned discipline. Turns out a kid did steal it. The thing is, her name is on the bottom so they knew. And now the cup sits nicely on our counter everyday because she's too worried to take it to school. I get it. It's violating when someone takes your stuff. I just hope she'll eventually feel better and take it again. UGH! She's got about 800 kids grade 6-8 at her school so it's not a big school, not small....but we never had any issues in elementary. Guess this is the type of stuff you start to deal with when they get older. Sigh.

Her brother can be so sweet (when he chooses to) ...when he heard his sister say her cup was stolen he went to our grocery list and wrote in big letters "MUST S.T.A.Nley". I asked him what that was about he and said we absolutely needed to get her another cup and he would even spend his own money to buy her one. Such a sweet soul. Thankfully she did get it back. He stayed home last week a few days too because it was after spring break and I think he was just worn out. The time changed messed with us all, as well. He's in 3rd grade and I don't much worry about what he'll miss. Anyway, I had brought him a requested sprite and as soon as I brought it to him he jumped up and poured half of it in a cup and ran it into his sister who was laid out on my bed. He also notices if she's cold and without a word will get up and wrap her in a blanket.

He can also be very not sweet. I think he's going through some phase, or something, but he's been very irritable again and sometimes downright not nice. He can be very negative, focusing on what he didn't like about practice, or who did something at school he was mad at. He also likes to complain a lot and whine a lot. It can be a bit much to be around when I'm the opposite and try to focus on what did go well, what's something he did like at school. Yesterday when he came home from practice he was in a massive mood. I was supposed to make chicken noodle soup but ended up having tamales. He was so distraught because of this change and unleashed by yelling.  He struggles to find an outlet for his anger sometimes. It was not fun. To be fair, after I told him I was upset by his outburst he went to the table and drew me a picture and apologized for hollering. I thanked him, and it was over. I find that he very much writes his feelings and thoughts--it's much easier for him than talking.  I'm constantly finding notes and pictures and letters. If that helps him, I'm all for it.

We had a busy spring break (week of March 11) the weekend prior the kids stayed at a hotel with Amy who was in town preparing for her sister's surgery, then all week we had dentist appointments, my son went to a movie with Aarav, my girl went golfing w/ Parker, I took a group of girls and my son roller skating, my son had an allergy appointment, I took the kids mini golfing, my girl had a dr. appt, she went to a birthday party (likely where she picked up a bug--those jumpy/bouncy places are the worst), and a sleep over at Parker's, and my son had an ortho appointment because his wire broke. Then the kids got sick after all that.

So, overall we are hanging in there. I'm just realizing that the kids are only in school another 2 months and they'll be home for the summer! AGH I need to look into some camps, etc. to keep them busy. Last summer went quite well with balancing some structured camps, with some downtime. My girl has requested basketball camp as many as she can....next year in 7th grade she's decided she wants to try out for the school team, so good on her. I haven't pushed it at all because she really likes to make up her own mind and learn her own lessons. I was the same way so I get it.  I have to say I'm also impressed with how well she adjusted to middle school. I was very much worried at the beginning of the year about how will she stay organized--I tried to encourage a planner but she just didn't take to it. To her credit, she has gotten all her assignments turned in and stays on top of her work. She does homework at school so I hardly see her do it at home. I can access her assignments and grades online so I know she's putting in the work. I asked her how she keeps it all organized and she said she just remembers what to do and when it's due. Been a long time since my brain was that clear to have that good of a memory. She's taking all AP classes and is getting A's in everything except B's in math. That's totally fine with me. She's very on top of her grades because she wants to be sure she stays eligible to do theater. She's also pretty hard on herself--at times she doesn't do well on math tests or some of the work and gets discouraged easily.  I even thought about getting her a tutor, but her teacher didn't think she needed it. She struggles a bit more with tests in general, but because she does great on her other work, it is balancing out. I'm very proud of her and have told her often. The first few months were a learning curve, but I'd say she's picked it up and is thriving.  That is about all I could ask for this year.

As for me, I'm still hoping I feel better soon. I've got a lot of things in my head I'd like to do like organize the kids' papers they brought home from school for several years that line my bedroom. Boxes I'd like to empty, house projects I'd like to do....but in due time. I need to allow myself the time to just be and not pressure to be good. It's ok. I'm also in my feelings about the kids growing before my eyes. My girl is now 5'2" if not taller by now and weighs about 100 lbs--she's very lean and has legs for days like a colt. Her brother is not far behind in that he's put on some weight and is at 93lbs and about 4'8". He's just a solid boy. Very thick. I looked at him this morning and he just grew. Some days are like that where they just look older. Taller. Different. I'm believing now that yes, indeed, it sure goes fast. My kids are not littles and we are past that stage. I do like many things about them being older, conversations, a bit more independence, etc.....but it just doesn't stop. One phase turns into the next and in a few years  I won't even have an elementary kid anymore. Yikes.  I don't know how to embrace these changes without the sadness and feeling like I'm losing something that I will never get back. There's so much to look forward to, but there's also so much that's happened already. I don't think about these changes all the time, but when I look at pictures, old videos, etc.. it's hard not to shake my head and how much has changed these last 12 years. Perhaps I'm also thinking forward to a milestone birthday of 50 next year. What the heck, how did I get this "old"?

MIA

Wow it's been over 2 months since I've written a post. I think about it all the time, but just don't have it in me to write one. It's been a really tough go over the last several months, for me in particular. 

I'm not sure I mentioned, but after I spent time going to a personal trainer last year and still struggling to feel better, I realized it was time to try changing up my primary medication. I think I've spent a long time being mildly depressed with anxiety and not really realizing it because I wasn't sad. My symptoms showed up as being tired all the time, even after a lot of sleeping, and having no motivation do much of anything other than what I had to do. I had been seeing the same psychiatrist for years (on/off since 2003 whenever I lived here) and I think over time, he hasn't been a good fit for me anymore. I don't think he was really listening to me with my continued symptoms and his approach for the last 3 years was to change things around the primary medication--try adding more, add in this one, add in that one. It wasn't until I changed a lot of behavioral things last year that it dawned on me that no, I'm not doing as well as I could be and something more substantial needs to change.

I started down that path with the Dr. last year and he suggested a new primary medication, but then rather than continue with him because of my unhappiness with him over time, I decided I wanted to try a new Dr. in network with my insurance. So, with new Dr. (nurse practioner NP) we attempted to make the change to the new primary one my Dr. recommended. That started in November last year and continued up until a few weeks ago.

In summary, it was not good at all. Well, the first two weeks was actually great! I started to see I had more energy, things just felt "lighter", I was so excited because I got out the exterior Christmas lights for the bushes that I hadn't used in a few years...it was the beginning of just feeling much better.  However, things took a turn when I started to decrease the primary medication (which I've taken the brand of since 2015)--no matter how fast or slow we went, I had a lot of side effects...a lot of dizziness, vertigo, headaches, flu like symptoms....so we'd make progress in decreasing, then due to feeling terrible, we'd have to increase to feel better, then try decreasing again. It took a few months and I still hadn't completely stopped. At the same time, we increased the new medication from its introductory dose and it just wasn't working i.e. wasn't picking up where the old one left off. It was very finicky in terms of you needed to take w/ food, and literally at the same time otherwise you'd start to feel sick. On top of the other symptoms it became miserable. In addition, I felt extremely irritable and out of sorts....for many weeks. Even my skin was breaking out and I got rashes, etc..  It's been awful. I'm not sure I've ever felt worse. In addition to that, a month ago my "new" NP said she's leaving the practice and I need to find a new provider. Big. Fat. Sigh.

The thing that's challenging is in network providers take months to get into. Their only advice was pick a new provider and they'll send the referral. The earliest any new provider could take me was end of March.  WTF. So I've felt a little stuck, to say the least. I decided to go back up on my old primary medication and hopefully feel good enough until I can figure out my next steps. My options are to 1) just wait until new appt end of March 2) Go to an out of network provider and pay hundreds for each visit, and no one I found had an appointment until last week of March anyway or 3) go back to old Dr. and tell him we tried new rx and things aren't working.

My plan was to stay w/ option 1, but this last week has just been awful.  I'm barely functioning, all I want to do is sleep, and sleeping makes me feel that much worse. I've also gained more weight considering all the inactivity and eating I've been doing. That doesn't help either because I've also been suffering from plantar's fasciitis in my left heel for over a year but over the last few months it's progressed from hurting just while walking to hurting a lot of the time. It feels like someone is stabbing you with a hot knife. 

Chronic pain, extra weight, skin issues, mental health challenges....it's a lot to handle. It really is. At this point, hard to tolerate so I decided to at least check back in with my old Dr. this Friday. I could easily get an appointment and honestly, it's not even about the money because he's hundreds as well. It's at least something and maybe he'll have some suggestions on what we can do.

It's not easy to share about these issues...it feels very vulnerable. that's why I haven't written about them. I know this is an anonymous blog but I think a few people know me in IRL. 

I didn't even write about the holidays, but suffice to say they were fine. My sister came down as usual. They were a bit less exciting this year as my girl is in 6th grade now and things changed for her about Santa and the holiday. She didn't even want to go get Santa pictures, so we've stopped that tradition.  It was a bit crazy for me tracking gifts so I started a spreadsheet. I know I know. Our friend Amy normally comes at New years but that was a bit of an issue this year. She could have come, but she's not the best at being up front and made up a few reasons why she couldn't. It's fine. She's got a lot on her plate her sister was diagnosed with esophageal cancer late last year so she's started up with a cancer center here in town and they've traveled back and forth for treatment. She's about to have surgery next week.

Things have been absolutely crazy with the kids and their schedules...they both are in braces (my girl started phase 2 in December) so there is ortho, my girl decided to do another theater production a musical Flapper so she was in that (instead of playing basketball)--it was intense with more rehearsals, more weekends, more evenings...these last two weeks before the show it was nuts with after school until 7, the shows all weekend. On top of that my son has been playing basketball so he's got practice twice a week and games on Saturday...last week soccer started so it's overlapped with basketball and theater. I feel very much like an uber driver as I take the kids every morning, picking them up for any appointments (my girl had ortho yesterday because a lollipop broke 2 of her brackets), then picking up my girl after school every day due to theater schedule. And of course the kids are quite worn out and tired themselves so attitudes haven't been great at all.

I also had been looking at a job that was close by, I really liked my discussions w/ them...but decided to withdraw because it would entail too much travel. I just couldn't see myself being able to manage work life with the travel and decided it really does need to be the right thing for me to go back to work. It's a lot of pressure to manage a job and a household. And frankly, now is just not the time until I can start to physically and mentally feel better. I've turned my attention to some projects in the house like new windows and removing the fireplace, but even those projects take a lot of decision making and leg work....both of which I don't want to do much of right now. On hold as well.

I'm just really hopeful I can start to feel better soon....

At least something on the humorous side: last week I overheard my son talking to his fried Aarav while they were playing soccer in the cul-de-sac. He told Aarav that two girls like him. He said, "One is Tessa and she wants to marry me. She keeps saying all these love things like: Are you the climate because you are so hot". Omg. 3rd graders. To be fair, my son is handsome and will likely have girl problems. At least at this age it's just cute. Let's keep it at cute.